February 16, 2017: Thursday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20170216
PDF: 20170216

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Teenager (noun) – a person who is well prepared for a zombie apocalypse, but not prepared for tomorrow’s math test.

When I die I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep… not screaming like all the passengers in her car.

Why are there never any good side-effects? Just once I’d like to read a label on a bottle that says “May cause extreme sexiness.”

I’m running a bit of a fever this morning. But it’s okay. It’s the first time all winter I’ve been warm.

I was in a car wreck and my lawyer said he’d work to get damages for my car. Um, why would I want MORE damages to my car? I fired him.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. –1 Timothy 6:12

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. — John 3:16

[Jesus said,] “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.” — John 15:5,8

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense — Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. — 1 John 2:1-2

Thought: John wants to prevent even one sinful event in the lives of those he loves. He is concerned because he knows that even one sinful event can be used by Satan to discourage and defeat us. We need to know that we have a Savior and a defender. He paid the price to redeem us, he sent his Spirit to help us overcome sin’s power, and he will speak to the Father and claim that right to forgive us.

Prayer: Father, I’m embarrassed by my weakness and vulnerability when I sin. Even in those moments of shame, I’m thankful that Jesus provided me the way back into your holy presence. Jesus, I thank you for coming to my rescue and my defense. I will not let Satan discourage me when I fall. Instead, I re-commit myself to live with your character and for your glory. In your name, Lord Jesus, my defender, I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

2 Thessalonians 2:16 NIV = May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope

TODAY IS THURSDAY – FEBRUARY 16, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
311 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL STICKY BUNS DAY.  ***Nothing special about it… I just like saying “Sticky Buns”.

Today is NATIONAL DO A GROUCH A FAVOR DAY.  ***Buy him a sticky bun!

Today is NATIONAL SPIT DAY.  ***Kinda sounds like something you’d like to do to a grouch if it weren’t already Do A Grouch A Favor Day.  Doesn’t it?

TODAY IS ALSO…

Kyoto Protocol Day Link
National Almond Day  Link

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 17

Champion Crab Races Day Link
My Way Day
National PTA Founders Day Link
World Information Architecture Day Link  Link
World Human Spirit Day

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 18

Battery Day (Volta’s birthday)
Cow Milked While Flying In An Airplane Day
Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast Day Link
National Drink Wine Day Link
National Hate Florida Day: 18 Link
Pluto  Day (Discovered by Clyde Tombaugh)
World Whale Day Link

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 19

Best Friends Day Link  (SpongeBob Squarepants)
Chocolate Mint Day Link
Introduce A Girl to Engineering Day
National Lashes Day Link
Iwo Jima Day (Landing)

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 20

Bean Day  Link
Love Your Pet Day Link Link
Northern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day
Presidents Day
World Day for Social Justice

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 21

International Mother Language Day
Travel Africa Day

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 22

National Margarita Day
Pink Shirt Day Link
Woolworth’s Day
World Thinking Day Link
George Washington’s Birthday
Tex Avery Day Link
Inconvenience Yourself Day

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 23

Curling is Cool Day
Digital Learning Day Link
Diesel Engine Day
Discover Girl Day
The Great American Spit Out Link
Iwo Jima Day (flag raised)
National Dog Biscuit Day Link
National Chili Day  Link
Single Tasking Day

ON THIS DAY

1868: The Jolly Corks organization in New York City changed its name to the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks.

1937: Du Pont research chemist Wallace Carothers received a patent for nylon.

1959: Fidel Castro became premier of Cuba after overthrowing Fulgencio Batista.

1963: The Beatles moved to the top of the British rock charts with “Please, Please Me” one month after the record was released.

1968: The first 911 emergency telephone system in the U.S. was operational in Haleyville, Alabama. (audio clip)

1972: Los Angeles Lakers great Wilt Chamberlain topped the 30,000-point mark in his career during a game against the Phoenix Suns.

1980: At the Winter Olympics in Lake Placid, New York, American speed skater Eric Heiden captured the second of five gold medals, while the U.S. hockey team defeated Norway 5-1.

1990: The National Museum of Wales displayed the largest dead leatherback turtle ever washed ashore. Nose to tail, it measured 9 feet 5 inches and weighed 2,016 pounds. Most museums won’t exhibit large dead turtles because they can drip oil for 50 years.

1993: A Norwegian bandit escaped with $5,000 from an Oslo bank, only to be arrested two hours later when he returned and tried to deposit the money in a new account at the same bank. He told police he was afraid of being robbed and wanted to put the money someplace safe.

1994: Reporter Dianne Sawyer signed a contract with ABC News that would pay her $7-million a year.

1994: Police patrolman Douglas Skinner stopped a motorist in Fort Dodge, Iowa, for running a red light. The driver’s registration and insurance documents turned out to be Skinner’s, stolen five months earlier.

1997: A 25-year-old Cuban man was rescued from a well he had fallen down in Las Tunas nine days earlier. Argelio Cabrera suffered a broken leg from the fall. His screams finally were heard by a group of passing fishermen.

1998: A driver ticketed in Great Falls, Montana, for doing 104 miles an hour in a 45 zone told police he had washed his truck and was just trying to dry it off. He was cited for reckless drying.

2002: A Whitewater, Wisconsin, couple told the Associated Press they had to keep their bathroom doors closed or their cats Boots and Bandit, would flush the toilets all night. Russ and Sandy Asbury said they had no idea how the cats learned to flush, but obviously they enjoy it. He said the cats also were proficient at turning the bathroom lights on and off and unrolling the toilet paper.

2004: The Walt Disney Company rejected a takeover bid by Comcast Corporation.

2006: The U.N. Commission on Human Rights called on the U.S. government to “close immediately the detention center in Guantanamo Bay.”

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1497: German scholar and reformer Philipp Melanchthon is born in Bretten, Baden. He and Luther were at times allies (he defended Luther against Johann van Eck and Emperor Charles V) and at other times enemies (Luther thrashed him for his views on the Sacrament, but apologized on his deathbed). Melanchthon’s argument for justification by faith alone, known as the Augsburg Confession, is now the basic statement of Lutheran doctrine.

1801: The African Methodist Episcopal Zion Church receives its charter. Five years earlier, black members of New York City’s John’s Street Methodist Episcopal Zion Church left the church over racist limitations imposed on them. They had not been allowed to preach or vote until Bishop Francis Asbury allowed them to hold their own meetings apart from the John’s Street church.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • tennis pro John McEnroe is 58

  • Actor (“Law & Order: SVU”) Ice-T (Tracy Morrow) 59

  • actress (Tuesday from the original “Addams Family” TV show) Lisa Loring 59 (audio clip)

  • actor (Jordie LaForge on “Star Trek: the Next Generation”) LeVar Burton 60 (audio clip)

  • actor (“Greatest American Hero”) William Katt 66 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1904 : Ted Mack

1914 : Tex Beneke

1915 : Lorne Greene

1923 : Mel Powell

1935 : Gene McDaniels

1939 : Ray Manzarek (The Doors)

1944 : Moe Bandy

1948 : Joe Schermie (Three Dog Night)

1949 : Stanley Knight (Black Oak Arkansas)

1950 : Steve Hackett (Genesis)

1952 : Michael McDonald (The Doobie Brothers, Steely Dan)

1959 : Omar Hakim (Weather Report)

1968 : Chynna Phillips

1970 : Jim Creeggan (Barenaked Ladies)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do we say that the person receiving the largest share of something has gotten the lion’s share?

Do you think it’s always desirable to get the lion’s share? Suppose you are the one who receives the lion’s share. How do you think the lion feels about it? Would you want him to share his feelings with you? Most people probably assume that the expression stems from the idea of the lion being king of the beasts, the most ferocious and powerful individual in the jungle. Like the 800-pound gorilla, he always sits where he wants and takes as much as he chooses. That’s the right spirit, but the phrase’s origin is more specific. In an Aesop fable a lion, a cow, a sheep and a goat form a hunting party. They kill a deer and the lion divides it into four equal parts. He takes three of the parts – the lion’s share — and lets the others divide one. Then again, he’s a lion… would YOU question his arithmetic?

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Lecrae: The less time you spend with Truth, the easier it is to believe lies. 

 

 Matt Hammitt: I can think of few things as rewarding as sowing what little talent I have for God’s great glory. He grows bigs things from little people.

Hawk Nelson front man Jon Steingard: You haven’t seen sorrow until you’ve seen a white girl having her coconut oil confiscated at airport security.

Derek Minor has a problem. He posted this week: Was trying to get in tour shape for the The Roadshow and then the Girl Scouts came to my door with this crack. Attached was a picture of the five boxes of Samoas and Thin Mints that Derek had just purchased. 
https://twitter.com/thederekminor/status/829121597537648644/photo/1

How do you celebrate Valentine’s Day when you’re separated from your fiance? For Sidewalk Prophets frontman Dave Frey it was technology to the rescue. He posted: Valentine’s Day date over FaceTime. So grateful technology allows me to spend time with my love.

Just how good is producer Bernie Herms? Natalie Grant says her husband is so good that even the Prime Minister of Canada is taking notice. She shared a tweet sent out by the Prime minister after Bernie’s Grammy win on Sunday. It said: Congratulations to Canadian songwriter Bernie Herms on winning best contemporary Christian music performance or song.   https://twitter.com/JustinTrudeau/status/831126979852238848

Aaron Shust was especially excited to be mentioned in the latest edition of CCM Magazine. Aaron says: CCM was my first subscription to any magazine when I was just a kid. Cutting out pictures of my heroes, loving the stories behind the songs and the artists. Inspired by their hearts for God. So I am beyond honored to be mentioned among friends. May God use our words and music to inspire the Next batch to follow hard after the heart of God!   https://www.instagram.com/p/BQdRCiCBuIj/

Crowder shared his own Valentines story this week. He says it all started at their high-school valentines banquet. Crowder says: I borrowed my friend’s car so she would think I was cool and so I didn’t have to take her in my mom’s station wagon. There were those candy hearts scattered on the white plastic tablecloths to make the dinner look festive and themed. I picked the one that said, “be mine,” and gave it to her. Since that first date, I’ve loved her for over half my life now.   https://www.instagram.com/p/BQf0wraDdYp/

Mandisa spent her day off this week resting her voice and her face. She posted: “It’s my day off and I’m on vocal rest today because my voice is very tired, and I have to be able to sing for the rest of the concerts this week. My face is also tired, so I needed to put on a face mask to clear it up. So it’s my day off, and this is how I plan to spend it.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BQduiHulMU6/

Jamie Grace is issuing a casting call for the Jamie Grace show. She posted this week: Auditioning tween and teen LA based actors and actresses. All nationalities. Both lead and supporting roles for scripted and unscripted segments of The Jamie Grace Show. Jamie says auditions will be held from February to April.  http://fb.me/8sMgEjlc3

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Austrian police arrested an Adolf Hitler lookalike after he was seen wandering around the Nazi dictator’s hometown of Braunau, sporting his infamous moustache, hair style and uniform. The man, who reportedly called himself “Harald Hitler”, was arrested under a 1947 Austrian law which made it illegal to promote Nazi ideology. ***They knew they had the right man when authorities yelled, “Heil, Hitler!” and Harald called back, “Well, hello to you too!”

If you think Burger King isn’t a romantic enough destination for a Valentine’s Day date, think again – well that is if you live in Israel. For some reason, Burger King restaurants, only in Israel, had a special deal for adults going on Tuesday – but only after 6pm. Burger King Israel was selling “Adults Meal” that came with two Whoppers and two orders of fries, along with two beers and a special “adult toy!” The company wouldn’t specifically say what the adult toys were though an ad posted on Facebook shows a satin mask, a scalp massager, and a feather duster.  ***Wow – all of that AND a sesame seed bun? Now THAT is romance!

Tom Brady is going to charge up to $1200 per autograph at an upcoming show.  ***Because apparently you just don’t get paid well enough as a Super Bowl winning quarterback.

Harrison Ford, who famously crash-landed his small plane on a Santa Monica-area golf course in 2015, is under investigation for mistakenly landing on a taxiway instead of a runway at John Wayne Airport on Monday.  ***Hey, it’s the Milenium Falcon – he can park it wherever he dang well wants!

A company in China is keeping track of employees on business trips by requiring them to send selfies holding the day’s local newspaper. After taking a selfie that clearly shows the newspaper’s date, employees send the photo to a company chat group as proof that they’ve started their workday.  ***This has proven much more difficult for teenaged employees, as it takes hundreds of poses, photos, hair flips, and filters to get the exact right one to post to begin the workday.

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer’s recent troubles continued on Tuesday when he referred to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau as “Joe.”  ***We’re not even a month into this, folks!

Get ready for the videos you scroll past in your Facebook feed to play with the sound on. After initially muting videos by default, Facebook announced on Tuesday that videos on its social network will now play with the sound enabled. Facebook said it’s making the change after getting “positive feedback” from users it has already tested the experience with.  ***Surfing the web under your boss’ nose just got one step harder.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Driving is becoming so last century.  Since the end of World War II, getting a driver’s license has been a rite of passage for teens, but that’s less and less the case. The share of people in their teens, 20s and 30s with driver’s licenses has dropped significantly over the past three decades, not only the United States, but also in some other wealthy nations with a high proportion of Internet users, transportation researchers have found.  ***Well, duh.  How can you get a driver’s license when you’re busy texting and playing “Candy Crush”?

(PART ONE) Coffee is good to the last drop at slashing the risk of cardiovascular diseases, Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. American women who drank one to three cups of java a day reduced their odds of getting the diseases by 20 to 25 percent, according to Norwegian researchers. Says co-author of the study, Lene Frost Andersen: “The findings suggest antioxidants could be a factor in reducing the risks of contracting a number of ailments.” However, drinking more than five cups of coffee a day can negate the good effects.  ***I was excited there for a while up until that “five cups negate the good effects” line.  Dang it.

(PART TWO) If you want to boost your brainpower, all you have to do is drink tea, a new study proves. Any kind of tea will do the trick — black, green, hot, iced — as long as you drink lots of it, say scientists at the Douglas Hospital Research Center at McGill University in Montreal, Canada. Not only will it make you smarter, tea will also fend off Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of age related dementia.  ***Yeah, well they said the same thing about coffee – and then stripped the joy away by saying we could only have five cups a day (see story above).

Move over, FOMO, and make room for FOBO: A study by culture experts (Crowd DNA) found that fear of being offline is the new fear of missing out, as 70 percent of respondents 13 through 24 said they have to be connected, no matter where they are.  ***I would make fun of these people – but I did discover this story online, I’m doing my show online, and you’re probably listening online… so….

A Newcastle University professor said it’s “unnecessary” for kids to learn spelling and grammar because smartphones will handle it for them.  ***MARLAR: Really?  How about we try spelling your name wrong on your paycheck a couple of times.  THEN how important is spelling?

A study discovered that up to 35% of us have had a text conversation while still sleeping. The conversation, which is mostly gibberish, starts when our phones start beeping or buzzing, prompting our brains to go into auto-pilot and return the text. It’s not always gibberish, though. The study found men usually text about food while women tend to get romantic.  ***Or in my case, getting romantic about food.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the jungle animals were lost in the jungle because they all went out to look for Racquet, who was also lost. Racquet went out into the jungle because his crayons were lost and he promised to do a portrait for the Rabbit Family. We now find all of the animals wondering what to do next.

CLOSE: Tune in next time as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A town’s message of congratulations to one of its citizens ends up as a big Moment of Duh.

14-year-old Caitlin Campbell couldn’t spell collyrium, and lost in the recent national spelling bee. However, she was good enough to place eighth and that was good enough for someone to put up a congratulatory billboard honoring her in her hometown of Amarillo, Texas. Too bad that well-intentioned son-of-a-gun couldn’t spell her name. The billboard read “Congratulations! Caitlin Cambell for making Amarillo proud.” Unfortunately they botched the last name – leaving the “p” out of Campbell. Lamar Outdoor Advertising, which donated the space, said it plans to replace the downtown sign with the correct spelling. And by the way, because we know it’s killing you, collyrium is a term for eye lotion.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REASONS YOU SHOULD TITHE

10. Your church started a new stewardship drive — every time you give, your chances of winning increase!

9. The choir has started wearing their bathrobes during the service.

8. The last few Sunday’s the Treasurer has gotten up half way through the service and turned the heat off.

7. The Preacher has worn the same suit every Sunday for the past three years.

6. The Deacons are starting to drool and growl as they collect the offering!

5. The offering plates have been sold and replaced with ice cream buckets.

4. The Treasurer has started wearing sackcloth and ashes!

3. You tried to call the Church Office last week but found that the phone’s been disconnected!

2. Parking meters had to be installed in the church parking lot.

1. As a Christian you understand the privilege it is to have a partnership in the Gospel!

(Be expecting your pastor to be using these in an upcoming sermon!)

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

There’s a big difference between being sick of the food and being sick in order to get it.

FILE #1: A 54-year-old man who routinely complained of fake chest pains to avoid paying the tab for restaurant meals may have gotten his just desserts. A judge in Maine sentenced Elias I. Elias on Friday to 90 days in jail after he pleaded guilty to theft of services. The sentence followed the recommendation of the district attorney, who said the August 5 incident at the Townhouse Restaurant marked the 13th time that Elias tried to skip out on the check by pretending he had trouble breathing and was having a heart attack. Authorities said Elias would order dinner and drinks, eat and enjoy, then fake his need for medical assistance when the check arrived. He would be taken to a local hospital but usually left before police arrived.

FILE #2: Some guys will do anything to meet the girl of their dreams. A British man was willing to get in trouble with the law to meet an attractive police woman. For three months Colin O’Neill kept parking his car illegally to get a date with traffic officer Doris Lemon. Finally the two connected when Lemon finally fined him for his traffic violation. Colin said, “When Doris booked me I didn’t mind because I thought she looked wonderful in her uniform.” Doris, who at first thought he was stalking her, obviously has similar feelings to Colin, because the two are getting married this December.

FILE #3: It was quite the predicament for an Oklahoma car salesman recently. Here’s the story: 27 year old Ryan Miller was sentenced to 5 weekends in jail on a misdemeanor charge but to avoid foreclosure on his home, he had to work over the weekend. So he called 30 year old Russell Maurer to see if he would go to jail for him – and he agreed. What Miller didn’t realize is that the guards remembered what he looked like from the previous week and now Miller could face life in prison. Meantime, Maurer could also face prison time if convicted of impersonation.

STRANGE LAW: In England it is illegal to leave baggage unattended. And picking up abandoned baggage is as act of terrorism.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Sometimes you’re so desperate for a drink you could hold up someone at gunpoint to get one.

A robber in Hamburg, Germany told a store clerk he was having a bad day. Then he took out a 44-caliber pistol and made his demand… a single can of beer. The man was arrested a block away from the store. In his hands was a still cold — but now empty — beer can. When asked why he would commit armed robbery and only steal one can of beer, the man said “Well, since I had the gun, I only had one free hand.”

PHONER PHUN

What’s the strangest thing that someone has ever stolen from you?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: In the parable of the Good Samaritan, who were the first to see the wounded man on the roadside, and what did they do?
ANSWER: A priest and a Levite both saw the man, but gave him no assistance and passed by him on the other side of the road. (Luke 10: 30-37)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?
ANSWER: Honey

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The largest body of fresh water in the world is Lake Michigan. (False, Lake Superior)

2. The Pantheon is the largest building from ancient Rome that survives intact. (True)

3. The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just 1.75 square miles. (True)

4. The tallest monument built in the United States is the Jefferson Memorial. (False, it’s the Gateway Arch, in St. Louis, Missouri, at 630 feet tall.)

5. The Vatican’s Swiss Guard still wears a uniform designed by Michelangelo. (True, the design of the uniforms dates back to the 16th century)

6. The water in the Great Salt Lake of Utah is twice as salty as any ocean. (False – it’s actually FOUR TIMES as salty!)

7. The wettest spot in the world is located on the island of Kauai. (True – Mt. Waialeale consistently records rainfall at the rate of nearly 500 inches per year.)

8. The world’s longest railway is in Peru. (True. The Central Railway climbs to 15,694 feet in the Galera tunnel, 108 miles from Lima. Tourists take it to get to the ruins of Machu Picchu.)

9. The world’s tallest mountains, the Himalayas, are also the fastest growing. (True – their growth – about half an inch a year – is caused by the pressure exerted by two of Earth’s continental plates <the Eurasian plate and the Indo-Australian plate> pushing against one another.)

10. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. (True.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

HITLER _______ (WINE)

VIENNA –   Sales of wine and schnapps with Adolf Hitler on the label are increasing all over Austria.

An Austrian website was selling bottles with portraits of Hitler and the swastika. The site offered sales of spirits in “nostalgic bottles of former historical greats.”

The man selling the wine and schnapps was identified only as Roland M.  Legal officials say he was motivated by profit, not ideology.

The prosecutor’s office said Thursday the man stopped sales when legal action against him started.

When German Justice Minister Brigitte Zypries recently called a line of Italian wines “tasteless,” she wasn’t referring to the grapes.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

“I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied.

“The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”

“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”

“The guy is your doctor.”

JOKE #2

The coach for the little league team had not yet learned the names of all the players, so he called them by the numbers on their uniforms. He yelled, “Number 5, your time to bat,” and Jeff came to the plate to hit.

He yelled, “Number 7,” and Steve jumped up.

Then he yelled, “Number 1,” but no one got up.

Again he called out, “Number 1.” Still no one emerged from the dugout.

The umpire was getting annoyed at the delay, so the coach yelled out, “Who’s number 1?”

The entire team responded, “We are, coach. We are!”

JOKE #3

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. “Here is the situation,” she said. “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?”

A girl raised her hand and asked, “To draw out all his savings?”

USELESS FACTS

The University of Chicago’s Center on Aging studied people who lived to 100 and made a list of their most common traits to help others live a long time. Things that most likely help you live to 100 are – to be trim but not too thin, to have more than four children by age 30, and to be a farmer.  ***And to continue breathing.

A retired British priest has written a book called “The 100-Minute Bible” that teaches you all the “really essential” parts of the Bible in just over an hour and a half.  ***There are non-essential parts of the Bible?  What’s that – the concordance and the maps?

FEATURED FUNNIES

HEALTHY CHRISTIANS

Two Christians have lived very good, and also very healthy lives. They die, and go to heaven. As they are walking along, marveling at the paradise around them, one turns to the other and says “Wow. I never knew heaven was going to be as good as this !”

“Yeah”, says the other. “And just think, if we hadn’t eaten all that oat bran we could have got here ten years sooner.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

GREATEST COLLEGE PRANKS OF ALL TIME (According to K-State)

  • Louisiana Tech University: Students programmed the campus clock tower to play “Dueling Banjos.”

  • Harvard University (1933): The staff of the school’s comedy magazine stole the “sacred cod,” a pine fish that hangs above the Massachusetts House of Representatives.

  • Ohio State University (1993): Students sent out a press release for a new charity known as “Arm the Homeless,” that would provide homeless people with guns for protection.

  • MIT: Students started an Internet hoax that claimed one could grow a “Bonsai Kitten” in a container.

  • Cornell University (1980s): Students invited numerous politicians to pay homage to Hugo N. Frye, founder of New York’s Republican Party, and most of them wrote back, despite Frye being a fictitious character.

  • Caltech (1975): A student used his computer to print out a million pre-filled entry forms to a McDonald’s contest that one could enter “as often as you wish.” They changed the rules shortly after.

  • Sydney University (1956): During the Olympics, a student posed as the Olympic flame runner and ran through the streets with a torch of burning underwear.

  • University of Wisconsin-Madison (1979): The student body presidents promised to buy the Statue of Liberty and bring it to Wisconsin – their replica lasted three weeks before it was burned down.

  • MIT (2005): Students turned an entire building into a life-size first level of Super Mario Bros. that you could actually play.

  • Caltech (1961): During the Rose Bowl, Caltech students switched the Washington Huskies’ cheerleader-directed flip cards to show a goofy version of their mascot, the word HUSKIES spelled backwards, and CALTECH.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids
on a merry-go-round
Or listened to the rain
slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly’s erratic flight
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down
Don’t dance so fast
Time is short
The music won’t last

Do you run through each day on the fly
When you ask “How are you?”
do you hear the reply?

When the day is done,
do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
running through your head?

You’d better slow down
Don’t dance so fast
Time is short
The music won’t last

Ever told your child,
We’ll do it tomorrow
And in your haste,
not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
‘Cause you never had time
to call and say “Hi”?

You’d better slow down
Don’t dance so fast
Time is short
The music won’t last

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift….
Thrown away…

Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music

Before the song is over.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

OUT OF YOUR MIND?

Read: Deuteronomy 6:1-12

Beware, lest you forget the Lord who brought you out of the land of Egypt. –Deuteronomy 6:12

After stopping in Montgomery, Alabama, for gas, Sam drove more than 5 hours before noticing he had left someone behind–his wife. So at the next town he asked police to help him get in touch with her. He admitted with great embarrassment that he just hadn’t noticed her absence.

It’s hard to understand how Sam could forget his wife, but we’re not much different in our relationship with God. We actually fail to remember the One who created us and redeemed us.

We’re no different from Israel in the Old Testament. Speaking to His people, God gave these instructions:

Focus on life’s purpose, and keep your priorities straight (Dt. 6:4-5).

Become so familiar with the Bible that it is a part of what you think and feel and do (v.6).

Talk about God to your children, and look for opportunities to tell them of His love (v.7).

Write reminders to yourself and put them where they can be easily seen (vv.8-9).

Realize that your need for God is not limited to times of obvious stress or danger. Enjoy with gratitude whatever health and happiness you have (vv.10-11).

The only way to keep God in mind is to acknowledge and fellowship with Him throughout each day.

LEFTOVERS

SILLY SILLY SAMSON

According to some psychologists, Samson from the Bible might have had a mental disease.

Remember the story of Samson? He seemed like a pretty dysfunctional guy by today’s standards, didn’t he? He killed 1,000 Philistines once and then went around gloating about it! His girlfriend, Delilah, tried to have him killed three times – yet Samson stuck around and continued to play Mr. Macho! Even as a kid, Samson was a terror… getting in fights all of the time and starting fires. Why would Samson be like that? Well, according to some California psychologists, Samson may be the first case in recorded history of antisocial personality disorder. The symptoms of the condition are set out in a 900-page manual from the American Psychiatric Association which doctors use to diagnose mental illnesses. ***MARLAR: It comes as no surprise to me that some pseudo-intellectuals would give a biblical character a psychological disorder. Next we’ll hear that Jesus Christ had a “god complex.”

LIFE… LIVE IT

Mind your manners and you can lose weight.

…Dutch researchers recently found that big bites and fast chewing can lead to overeating. In the study, people who chewed large bites of food for 3 seconds consumed 52% more food before feeling full than those who chewed small bites for 9 seconds. The reason: Tasting food for a longer period of time, no matter how much of it you bite off, signals your brain to make you feel full sooner, say the scientists. (Men’s Health)

JUST FOR FUN

COULD IT BE THE HAMBURGLER?

Police in Canada are looking for a stolen hamburger — a really big hamburger.

…Crooks have stolen a giant inflatable Burger King Whopper from the roof of a Burger King restaurant. The Calgary franchise owner says the thieves went to a lot of trouble to steal the six-foot tall burger because it was securely fastened to the roof. They would have had to climb onto the roof, deflate the giant burger and then untie it before climbing down with it. The burger is valued at $2,600. ***MARLAR: But you can get it as part of a combo meal with giant inflatable fries and a Coke for just two hundred bucks more.

FUN LIST

WHERE I WENT WRONG ON VALENTINE’S DAY

  • Shoulda checked the spelling of her name on that card.

  • Roses need water if you’re going to buy them a week early to save money.

  • Chocolates are good, but Mars bars don’t count.

  • Those blinking roses at the convenience store are nice. A dozen blinking roses is stupid.

  • “Freebird” doesn’t make a good love song.

  • 24k gold usually isn’t sold out of a car trunk.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

GENERATION JONES

Are you a Baby Boomer, a Gen-Xer, or something in-between?

If you were born between 1954 and 1965, you’re part of a generation that contains one of every four adults in America – Generation Jones. They’re the generation between the Baby Boomers and Generation X that consists of 53 million people. The term was invented by a lawyer, Jonathan Pontell who says he chose that name because it’s so common and anonymous, like the people it attempts to define. In an Omni poll of 1200 adults born in 1954 through 1965, 87% said they didn’t feel like baby boomers or Generation Xers, but like a generation in between. Here is a list to help you know who is a Joneser:

Boomers… Drive-ins

Jonesers… Drive-thrus

Gen-Xers… Drive-bys

Boomers… “The $64,000 Question”

Jonesers… “The Hollywood Squares”

Gen-Xers… the Remote Control

Boomers… “Purple Haze
Jonesers… “Purple Rain”

Gen-Xers… blue M&Ms

Boomers… the Cleavers

Jonesers… the Brady Bunch

Gen-Xers… the Simpsons

Boomers… JFK

Jonesers… Jimmy Carter

Gen-Xers.. Jesse Ventura

Boomers… telephone

Jonesers… CB radio

Gen-Xers… chat rooms

Boomers… Coke

Jonesers… New Coke

Gen-Xers… Classic Coke

Boomers… Peace Symbols

Jonesers… Mood Rings

Gen-Xers… Nose Rings

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

A ranking by frequent flier booking site RewardExpert shows which U.S. airlines are most—and least—likely to get your bags safely to your destination. The study found that, among major U.S. airlines, Delta is least likely to lose your luggage—only 0.21 percent of the time. United Airlines came in second with a 0.32 percent rate for missing baggage.  Bottom of the list… American Airlines.  http://peoplem.ag/RghI7UV

A Siberian man has built an Orthodox Church out of snow so his village will have a place to worship.
 http://dlvr.it/NHDD4Z

What color of ink is in the pen you are using?  The pen color you use may affect your thinking.  According to research from the University of British Columbia in Vancouver, red ink sharpens focus, making it good for detail work; blue enhances creativity, which is ideal for brainstorming.  I guess that just means black is boring.

W. Christopher Winter, M.D., medical director of the Martha Jefferson Hospital Sleep Medicine Center says schedules are important for your mind and body. A recent study suggests that if you eat meals at the same time every day, your body prepares for them. So if you have a daily sugary treat at the same time, your body might actually diminish the negative effects. Similarly, you sleep best if you keep a consistent schedule. Dr. Winter suggest setting a timer on your TV to make sure you stay on schedule. (Men’s Health)

While some scientists attempt to solve the mysteries of the universe, others are busy finding out what’s up with cats and their love of boxes. Cat lovers across the country will know the feeling of dejection after being shunned by their pet for a snug shoebox or cardboard container. Exactly why curious cats love to squeeze themselves into tight spaces has remained one of life’s great unanswered questions-until now. As well as being a great place to sleep up to 18 hours a day, our feline friends are attracted to boxes as they offer protection and shelter from predators. Researchers at the Utrecht University found that cats find comfort and security from chilling out in a cardboard box.

Your morning coffee might slow down aging!  A new study published in the journal Nature found that older people with low levels of inflammation — which drives many, if not most, major diseases — had something surprising in common: they were all caffeine drinkers.  Read more about it at http://ti.me/2kZKGDc

Whether you’re trying to write the great American novel or just a cleverly-worded e-mail to your boss, inspiration can fail. If you need a boost of creativity, take a walk. Or ride a bike. Or hit the gym. Exercise can help alleviate writer’s block and improve creativity, the London Telegraph reports of research from Leiden University in The Netherlands. Those who exercised regularly notably outperformed the couch potatoes on the tests administered.

Last week the NBA released new rules preventing teams from “mocking and/or ridiculing” each other on social media. It didn’t take long for teams to poke fun at the regulations with a little sarcasm by being obnoxiously nice to each other.  And then some hockey teams got involved in the tweeting.  It’s hilarious stuff if you want to read it.  http://on.mash.to/2kpIsM8

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Where there’s a will…I want to be in it.

So it appears I talk in my sleep now. I hope I haven’t revealed any military secrets. That would be really scary, especially since I’ve never been in the military.

God had a purpose for your life even before you were born. Don’t let your current circumstances distract you from what you are called to do!

Many of life’s failures are experienced by people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. –Thomas A Edison

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

FEBRUARY 10, 2017…

The Lego Batman Movie—It had to happen. Legos are so popular that now “Batman” has gotten into the craze and done a Lego movie.  What next? “Gone With The Wind” with Lego’s? Not out of the realm of possibility.  In this “Batman” film, he has to learn to work together with others (no longer the lone Caped Crusader”). Voices of Will Arnett, Michael Cera and Rosario Dawson. “The Lego Batman Movie” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans.

John Wick: Chapter Two—Who would have thought the character of John Wick would become popular, too.  Such is the case of this Keanu Reeves film in which he comes out of retirement to foil a secret plot. Aren’t they all. “John Wick: Chapter Two” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Fifty Shades Darker—The books were best sellers, but are the films continuing so? At least, another one has been made with the same characters starring Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dorman. In this episode, they have a new “arrangement?” Read between the lines. “Fifty Shades Darker” is rated R and is an adult movie. No rating.

FEBRUARY 17, 2017…

Fist Fight stars Ice Cube and Charlie Day as two teachers with a grudge.

Toni Erdmann is a foreign film in which the father disguises himself as a woman to spy on his teenage daughter

The Great Wall is an action film about China’s Great Wall and stars Matt Damon.

A Cure For Wellness is a thriller about a mysterious spa. Stars Dane DeHaan.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.