ONAIRprep is a paid subscription service from MarlarHouse.com. Visit ONAIRprep.com for information.
Looking for the customized tag for “Daily Dose of Weird News” for your show or station? Email me directly at firstname.lastname@example.org to get started – it’s free with your ONAIRprep subscription!
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Got some bad news yesterday here at the radio station. After a random check, the AMA and the FDA have designated the coffee around here “unfit for human consumption.”
Old people used to point at me at weddings at say “you’re next.” So I started doing the same thing to them… at funerals.
Has anyone ever REALLY solved a mystery by connecting dozens of strings across a room and a corkboard?
I can rise and shine… just not at the same time.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like finding a gift to me – from me.
PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)
(None on the weekends or holidays.)
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. “I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. –Mark 11:22-24 NIV
This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another. — 1 John 3:11
Anyone who receives instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor. — Galatians 6:6
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother. — 1 John 4:21
Thought: John reminds again that we must love our brothers and sisters in Christ. This reminder, however, is the clincher. If we love God, then we must love his children and our brothers and sisters in Christ. Notice that the word isn’t “should” or “will try” or “want to.” No, we MUST. The Bible is careful not to put too many “must do” or “thou shalt” commands in Scripture. So God’s point is clear. Love of each other is not optional, negotiable, or even something to be delayed. God sent Jesus to die for the sins of all of God’s children. How can we not love those for whom Christ gave so much? As Paul will say to the Corinthians, “God’s love compels us!” We MUST love.
Prayer: Sovereign LORD, forgive my sometimes selective practice of loving your children. I ask you now to bless, to nourish, and to sustain my brothers and sisters in Christ. I want to pray in particular for several of your children who have great trials and burdens… (please list some of those you know who need God’s help). In addition, dear Father, please use me to minister to them in tangible ways. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to email@example.com.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
1 John 2:17 NIV = The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.
TODAY IS SATURDAY – FEBRUARY 17, 2018
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 310 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.
Today is PRACTICE YOUR FREE THROWS DAY. ***I need the practice – I haven’t hit the wastebasket once this morning.
Today is NATIONAL SNOW ICE CREAM DAY (A little milk, sugar, vanilla, and a lot of snow). ***Just watch out for that yellow snow ice cream…
TODAY IS ALSO…
Champion Crab Races Day
My Way Day
National PTA Founders Day
Random Acts of Kindness Day
World Human Spirit Day
World Whale Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 18
Cow Milked While Flying In An Airplane Day
Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast Day
National Drink Wine Day
National Hate Florida Day
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 19
Best Friends Day
Chocolate Mint Day
National Lashes Day
Iwo Jima Day (Landing)
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 20
Love Your Pet Day
Northern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day
World Day for Social Justice
World Pangolin Day
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 21
International Mother Language Day
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 22
Discover Girl Day
George Washington’s Birthday
Introduce A Girl to Engineering Day
National Chili Day
National Margarita Day
Tex Avery Day
The Great American Spit Out
World Thinking Day
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 23
Curling is Cool Day
Digital Learning Day
Diesel Engine Day: 23
Girl Scout Cookie Weekend
Iwo Jima Day (flag raised)
National Dog Biscuit Day
National Tile Day
Single Tasking Day
Skip The Straw Day
Tootsie Roll Day
Women in Blue Jeans Day
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 24
Forget Me Not Day
International Sword Swallowers Day
National Dance Day
Open That Bottle Night
World Bartender Day
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 25
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 26
ON THIS DAY
1801: The U.S. House of Representatives broke an electoral tie between Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr, and elected Jefferson president. Burr became Vice-President.
1897: The National Congress of Mothers was founded in Washington, D.C. Later, it became the National PTA.
1965: Tennessee adopted “The Tennessee Waltz” as it’s official state song. Between 1948 and 1951 the song had been a hit four times: by Cowboy Copas, Pee Wee King, Roy Acuff, and Patti Page.
1969: Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash recorded together in Nashville, but only two songs were released: “Girl From the North Country” on a Dillon album and “One Too Many Mornings” in a Cash film documentary.
1988: Two former executives of the Beech-Nut Nutrition Corporation were found guilty of violating federal law and selling phony apple juice.
1990: Students at Lawrence University in Appleton, Wisconsin, completed history’s largest ice lollipop. It weighed 7,080 pounds.
1993: Kenichi Hori arrived in Naha, Okinawa, after pedaling 4,660 miles from Honolulu in 3½ months for a new world pedal-boating record.
1996: World chess champion Garry Kasparov beat IBM supercomputer ”Deep Blue,” to win a six-game match in Philadelphia.
1998: Brahma Beer introduced the world’s first talking beer cans in Caracas, Venezuela. When opened the cans told drinkers whether or not they’d won prizes ranging from $50 to $2,000.
1999: A cleaning products survey proclaimed Britons had the smelliest homes in Europe. Britain won because more homes had pets and smokers, 98% had carpeted floors to retain odor, and only 46% ever did a spring cleaning.
2002: Chilean doctors in Santiago said a 266-pound man who was shot in the stomach was saved by his rolls of fat. They said the bullet lodged in the man’s fat and did not damage any vital organs. A thinner person would have been killed instantly.
2003: A Tauranga, New Zealand, man was sentenced to 200 hours of community service for speeding semi-naked on a motorized barstool with his backside on fire — while intoxicated — without a license and registration. The flames involved a rolled up newspaper and a cigarette lighter.
2003: Some 40 million viewers tuned in to the finale of Fox’s reality show “Joe Millionaire,” in which Evan Marriott chose Zora Andrich.
2008: Police in Midland, Michigan arrested a 32-year-old man for stealing 217 cases of Pepperidge Farm stuffing: street value $8,749. Police said the suspect worked for a distributor and had access to a trailer where the stuffing was stored. Police recovered 157 cases of stuffing at the man’s home.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
661: Finan, bishop of Lindisfarne (an island off the eastern coast of England) who throughout his life sought to preserve Celtic customs against Roman influence, dies. Three years later, at the Synod of Whitby, Celtic Christians agreed to abide by Roman traditions. “Peter is guardian of the gates of heaven, and I shall not contradict him,” said the Celtic King, Oswy.
1858: Waldensians, ancient “Protestants” from the Italian Alps who survived through persecution for 800 years, are finally guaranteed civil and religious rights. They began with the teaching of a wealthy merchant named Peter Waldo in the late 1100s; thus they are considered “the oldest evangelical Church”.
1889: Former White Stockings baseball player Billy Sunday preaches his first evangelistic sermon in Chicago. By the time he died in 1935, he had preached to an estimated 100 million people, and about 1 million “walked the sawdust trail” to become Christians at his invitation.
1898: Francis Willard, crusader for prohibition and women’s suffrage, dies. She served as dean of Northwestern Women’s College before becoming president of the Women’s Christian Temperence Union.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- Actor (“Crossing Jordan”, Sliders, Veronica Mars) Jerry O’Connell, 44
- Actress (Scary Movie 3, Wild Things, The World Is Not Enough, Starship Troopers) Denise Richards, 47
- NBA great Michael Jordan, 55
- Actor (Young Guns, La Bamba) Lou Diamond Phillips, 56
- Actress (Lethal Weapon III & IV, Tin Cup, Ransom, The Thomas Crown Affair) Rene Russo, 64
- Actor (“Evening Shade”, “Designing Women”, The Firm) Hal Holbrook, 93 (audio clip)
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1653 : Arcangelo Corelli
1922 : Tommy Edwards
1933 : Bobby Lewis
1935 : Johnny Bush
1940 : Gene Pitney
1946 : Dodie Stevens
1969 : Jon Randall
1970 : Timothy Mahoney (311)
1972 : Billie Joe Armstrong (Green Day)
1974 : Bryan White
1991 : Ed Sheeran
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
Why does February typically have only 28 days?
January and February both date from about the time of Rome’s founding. They were added to a calendar that had been divided into ten month-like periods whose lengths varied from 20 to 35 or more days. A winter season was not included, so those period lengths are believed to have been intended to reflect growth stages of crops and cattle. When introduced, January was given 29 days and put at the beginning of the calendar year. February was given 23 days and put at the end. Then, for an undetermined period shortly after Rome’s founding, months were said to have begun when a new moon was first sighted. At some later time, month lengths were separated from lunations and again became fixed. At that time, February’s original length was extended by five days which gave it a total of 28.
(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
(PERENNIAL) According to research data, of the thousands of people who just got engaged across the U.S. on Valentine’s Day, only 54% will actually make it to the altar. ***The remaining 46% were those who had Valentine’s Dinner at White Castle and Waffle House.
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals followed Louis the lion into the jungle to look for a new king. A king who would be wise, and noble, and brave! But right now, Louis and all of the other jungle animals are in a deep, dark, and scary part of the jungle… and Louis is afraid of the dark!
CLOSE: Not only is real life decisions scary for Louis, but now even his dreams are making him nervous! Will the animals ever find the right person to be king of the jungle? Tune in again next time to find out, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
What IS an acceptable gift to bring to a loved one in prison?
A woman (Sicuta Radelescu of Focsani) in Romania got a judge to order her boyfriend to give her better gifts. The woman is serving four years in prison for theft, and she says he brings her gifts such as photos of him and their friends at pubs or cookbooks that she not only can’t use, but they make her feel as if he’s mocking her, and it’s making her prison time unbearable. The judge ordered the boyfriend to agree with her on a list of acceptable presents to bring when he visits her in jail. ***MARLAR: Heaven forbid prison becomes unbearable for the inmates.
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU ARE BROKE
1. American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!”
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. Long distance companies don’t call you to switch.
5. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
6. Your rob Peter…and then rob Paul.
7. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
8. Your bologna has no first name.
9. You give blood everyday…just for the orange juice.
10. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Having power does not mean you can have anything you want… even if you’re a judge!
FILE #1: In Munich, Germany, a 63-year-old judge identified only as Wolfgang W, was romantically interested in the 30-year-old girlfriend of the defendant in a case he was presiding over. (Yikes – 33 years difference!) The judge took the woman to dinner and sent her text messages professing his love. He also sent her a message saying he could lock her boyfriend up for a long time, so that she could get some peace. She may be much younger – but she’s smarter than the judge. She showed the messages to her boyfriend’s lawyer and now both judge and defendant may both go to jail.
FILE #2: Authorities in the Ukraine want to know: who’s trying to get the staff at a bank drunk? For six weeks a case of beer has been waiting for the bank staff when they arrive for work. No note is attached and tests show the beer has not been tampered with. One theory is that someone is planning a heist at the bank and is hoping the beer will be consumed by employees over their lunch hour, hopefully helping to make the robbery go more smoothly.
FILE #3: Authorities didn’t have to go looking for the third suspect in the robbery of a Buffalo cabdriver. He came to them. Antonio Jones and two friends robbed the cabby, but somehow Jones managed to elude the police. During a City Court hearing for the two other suspects already in custody, an assistant district attorney was questioning the cabby to firmly establish the identities of the men who robbed him at gunpoint. At some point the cab driver spotted a familiar face in the courtroom. Besides the two sitting at the defendants’ table, he also pointed out the gunman in the case, who was sitting in the back of the courtroom. It was Antonio Jones — wearing the same jacket he had on the night of the robbery. He quickly went from spectator to suspect number three.
STRANGE LAW: By law, the Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock, Arkansas.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
A man is cited for drunk driving… on a horse!
A man has been cited for public intoxication while riding a white horse during a snowstorm in the northern Wyoming town of Cody. Police said they cited 28-year-old Benjamin Daniels, of Cody, after they received a call from a motorist who was concerned that a man was creating a road hazard by riding his horse on a street in conditions with poor visibility. Officers noticed that Daniels was intoxicated after they stopped him to explain that drivers were having difficulty spotting his slow-moving white horse. Daniels was detained and released the following day. A friend of Daniels’ picked up the horse.
Have you noticed, businesses and organizations are increasingly posting signs asking people to stop using cell phones during transactions — at order counters, and in banks, doctor’s offices, coffee shops and other places where crowds gather? While grocery shopping the other day there was a guy in front of me checking out – and he was on his cell phone. He was tying up the line because he was on the phone, slowing him down. I was not happy. What times and places in our lives and in this world should we not be using the cell phone?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Near what city was Jacob’s well located?
ANSWER: Sychar (John 4:5-6)
QUESTION: What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
ANSWER: Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. Being married has been reported to shorten a man’s life by ten years. (False, being unmarried shortens a man’s life.)
2. Every U.S. bill regardless of denomination costs just 4 cents to make. (True)
3. Fires on land generally move faster uphill than downhill. (True)
4. If someone was to fly once around the surface of the moon, it would be equal to a round trip from New York to Los Angeles. (False – it’s equal to a round trip of New York to London.)
5. In 1958, the Crayola crayon color “Prussian Blue” was changed to “Midnight Blue”. (True – by the request of teachers as kids could not relate to Prussian history.)
6. Approximately 1 million stamps are produced in Australia annually. (False – one billion.)
7. Airports that are at lower altitudes require a longer airstrip. (False – airports at higher altitude need the longer airstrips due to lower air density.)
8. Amish people do not believe in the use of aerosal air fresheners. (True)
9. Annually 17 tons of gold is used to make wedding rings around the world. (False – that much is used just in the United States.)
10. The name for Oz in the “Wizard of Oz” was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence “Oz.” (True.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
TIM TEBOW RUNNING FOR ____________ (SENATE)
Tim Tebow announced last night that he is running for Senate in his home state of Florida.
When asked about running for office, Tim Tebow told golf commentator Dave Feherty, “I don’t know — it could be something in my future. If it’s something I care about, possibly.”
But last night, Tebow announced that he will running for the U.S. Senate seat in Florida currently occupied by Bob Nelson. “I know I can beat him. And I am running as a Republican.”
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”
A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, “I don’t know… Why don’t you play your age?”
He walks away. Moments later, he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”
The operator replies, “I don’t know, buddy…. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up, then she just fainted!”
In church one Sunday, Communion was being celebrated and during the “children’s sermon,” the minister was talking about Communion and what it is all about.
“The Bible talks of Holy Communion being a ‘joyful feast’. What does that mean? Well, ‘joyful’ means happy, right? And a feast is a meal. So a ‘joyful feast’ is a happy meal. And what are the three things we need for a happy meal?”
One of the children answered, “Hamburger, fries, and a regular soft drink?”
In the deep, deep, back woods Ol’ Zeek decided to do a little hang-gliding. He saved his money for months to finally get his hang-glider. When he finally got it, he took it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he got ready to take flight. He took off running and reached the edge–into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin’ on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! ” Look at the size of that bird, Paw!” she exclaims.
Paw raises up,” Git my gun, Maw.”
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG…BANG…..BANG…..BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
“I think ya missed him, Paw,” she says.
“Yeah,” he replies, “but at least he let go of ol’ Zeek!”
A new study finds that today’s teenagers depend on instant messaging and texting to avoid uncomfortable face-to-face confrontations. Some 43 percent of teenagers surveyed said they used texting to say things they didn’t have the nerve to say in person. For example, 22 percent said they use texts to ask people out on dates or accept them, and 13 percent use them to break up. ***Boy, things have changed! In my day you had to walk ten miles in the snow, barefoot, uphill both ways just to break up with a girl!
Experts at Johns Hopkins Medical School say the meters on treadmills that say how many calories you’re burning could be off by as much as 15% because they calculate based on the average person’s body type. ***And let’s face it – most of us are on the treadmill because we need to lose 50 pounds in order to become average.
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, “Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a po-lice roadblock! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!”
“Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.”
“What fer?” asked Bubba.
“Just let me do the talkin’, OK?” said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinkin’?”
“No sir,” Earl said. “We’re on the patch.” (audio clip)
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
A 5-year-old girl calls 911 to save someone she loves… her yo-yo!
Often times we hear stories of young people calling 9-1-1 to save the day during an emergency. 5-year-old Emily Barg of Lombard, Illinois did just that. Her emergency — a broken yo-yo! When Lombard fire engines rolled up to Emily’s home, they found the only fire in the house was in the fireplace, where it belonged. Emily soon admitted calling 911 because she was curious to see what would happen. Emily baked chocolate chip cookies for the firefighters, wrote them a note of apology and delivered both personally a few hours later. “I am very, very sorry,” she wrote. “I baked these cookies for you. I hope you like them and you can forgive me.” She never did get her yo-yo fixed.
IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded. I would have eaten the popcorn in the “GOOD” living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage. I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren’t there for the day.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn’t show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished every moment realizing that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, “Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.” There would have been more “I love you’s” but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute…..look at it and really see it … live it … and never give it back.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
While driving on the interstate, you see those little mile markers. They seem to fly by. So do birthdays. They are like mile markers. Perhaps you are like me when it comes time for your birthday, you look back at where you have been and set goals for the future, sort of like at New Years. When we think of the number of birthdays we have had, we are reminded of how far we have come. No one knows how far we have yet to go. In a few days I will have another birthday. It is not one of those big ones that you have every ten years that make it so hard for you to believe that you are really that old, but it is getting very close. I don’t go into depression as some people do at that time, but birthdays really are a time to take stock of your life. It can depress you if you are not sure of your destination, and that your past mistakes have been reconciled. I used to get depressed myself for those reasons, but no more. Again, it is like being on a journey, for we truly are. The beginning of my own journey was good; I had a healthy start. One of my favorite photos is a picture of me in my father’s arms, taken on my first birthday. But by the middle, I was on a collision course with disaster. And it took the disaster to set me on the right road. Sometimes, when we get off course, it takes disasters to have our vision adjusted so we can see reality. We seem to get under this delusion that things are alright when they are not. What about you? Are you sure of your destination? The number of birthdays you have had are not always in indicator of how much time you have left before you reach your destination, but one thing you know for sure, it is closer than it was this time last year. Let me tell you that it brings great peace to know that whether I go today or if I have many years left, I can truly smile when my birthday comes and know that I have come to another mile marker that tells me I’m that much closer to being in my heavenly Father’s arms.
“…For I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day” –2 Timothy 1:12b.
Contributed by Daphne Harrington.
Planning on taking a long vacation this summer? DON’T DO IT!! It could make you stupid!
According to a German psychologist, summer vacations are terrible for your IQ. Three weeks of laying around doing nothing on the beach shrinks your IQ an average of 20 points. Twenty points might not sound like a lot but it is roughly the difference between a college graduate and someone who never went to a university. ***MARLAR: Or, in my case (being a radio DJ), I can never take a vacation, because losing twenty IQ points would bring me down to the level of tofu.
LIFE… LIVE IT
DO NOT TEXT AND DRIVE
Nearly half of drivers between 18 and 24 admit sending a text message, instant message or e-mail while driving, according to a new survey by FindLaw.com. Here’s a breakdown of the results by age:
- 18-24 = 48%
- 25-34 = 27%
- 35-44 = 19%
- 45-54 = 11%
- 55-64 = 2%
- 65+ = 1%
Several states have either enacted laws or are considering enacting laws that ban sending text messages while driving. ***MARLAR: I’ve actually created a bumper sticker for this issue. It says, “Honk If You Love Jesus… Text While Driving If You’d Like To Meet Him.”
JUST FOR FUN
THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE, PART ONE…
An Iowa man has discovered a novel approach to achieving wedded bliss – kidnap your wife and force her to sign a zany “Contract of Wifely Expectations”!
…One particular line from the contract states, “You will shave every third day.” The man may wind up behind bars for his actions. ***MARLAR: I don’t think kidnapping your wife and forcing her to sign a contract is totally a bad thing. Let’s not throw out the idea ENTIRELY now. Here are a few things I’d like to stick in a contract and make Robin sign…
- I don’t care how often you shave your legs and armpits, just so long as you don’t use my razor.
- As a man, I demand a prompt, well-cooked meal after I get home from work… so you will have dinner phoned into the pizza shop no later than 5:30 pm.
- I will leave the seat down. You will leave the seat up. We will alternate turns.
- “But I got them because I thought you’d like them!” is no longer a valid excuse for buying shoes.
THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE, PART TWO…
Okay, my wife just called… and now she wants to add a few things to the contract that she wants ME to sign…
- While I agree not to use your razor for shaving, I reserve the right to store my hair remover in your shampoo bottle without your knowledge or consent.
- As a man, I understand that you expect a well-cooked meal after you get home from work, so you will have dinner no later than 5:30 pm… but with the arsenic provided free of charge.
- You will leave the seat up. I will superglue the seat down. Alternate turns may be tricky.
- “I had something in my eye!” is no longer a valid excuse for hiding your tears during a romantic movie.
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES…
- If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
- Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
- A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Men who marry a well-educated women boost their chances of living a long life.
…The higher a woman’s education, the better the chance both she and her partner will have a long life, according to research from the Swedish Institute for Social Research in Stockholm. Oddly, the level of a wife’s education was a stronger factor in lowering her husband’s risk of dying over the next 10 years than the man’s own level of education. Both men and women with less education and who made less money had a higher rate of death than those with more education and higher earnings. ***MARLAR: In other words, if you’re looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right, stop looking in night clubs, start looking in chess clubs.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Well, so much for the dress rehearsal. Be sure to join us tomorrow for the real thing.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
FEBRUARY 16, 2018…
Black Panther—Marvel Comics has another action hero who is getting his own film. That is the Black Panther and starring is Chadwick Boseman. In the story, Boseman is King T’Challa, the ruler of an African country named Wakunda. This country has a rare element called vibranium, which is part of the Black Panther’s suit. What other comic book hero has something made of *vibranium? (See below for the answer.) The Black Panther is the King’s secret identity, and just about everyone in the country has some other identity, too. When it is time for the King to really lead his people and fight the enemy, he finds he needs the help of a Secret Service man , Everett Ross, played by Martin Freeman. (What? No Sherlock Holmes?) “Black Panther” is going to be known for its’ costumes designed by Ruth E. Carter. Also in the cast are Michael B. Jordan, Andy Serkis, Forest Whitaker and Angela Bassett as the King‘s mother. “Black Panther” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.
Early Man—This animated film delves into early times of dinosaurs and Neanderthal man. There are mammoths and life is OK except when the Bronze Age King decides to rule everyone’s territory. What to do then” You will recognize the voices of Tom Hiddleston, Maisie Williams, Eddie Redmayne and Timothy Spall. “Early Man” is rated PG. Rating of 2 for fans, especially voice fans.
Samson—Here comes a Biblical story from the Old Testament about the famous Samson, who was loyal to his faith and never supposed to cut his hair. His strength was in the hair. Well, we know what happened then, when he fell in love with Delilah, who was a Philistine and the Hebrews and Philistines were at war. The word “betrayal” takes new meaning. The last movie to tell Samson’s story was in 1949 with Cecil B. De Mille at the helm and the film starred Victor Mature as Samson with Hedy Lamarr as Delilah. Angela Lansbury was also in the movie. Here, Jason Rathbone stars as Samson, and Rutger Hauer, Billy Zane, Taylor James and Lindsey Wagner are in the cast. This film version has Samson losing his girlfriend to an evil Philistine prince. Revenge in on his mind and from there on, Samson’s story unfolds. There is hatred between the Hebrews and the Philistines and it starts to get nasty. “Samson” is rated PG 13. No rating.
FEBRUARY 23, 2018…
Annihilation has Natalie Portman in a science fiction film about discovering new life forms.
Every Day is a drama/romance about falling in love with someone who changes bodies every day. Stars Maria Bello.
Game Night with Jason Bateman and a group who meet weekly for games.
War With Grandpa is now opening with Robert De Niro trying to live peacefully with his grandson. It is a comedy.
* ANSWER FROM QUESTION ABOVE IN THE BLACK PANTHER REVIEW: What other comic book hero has something made of *vibranium? Captain America – his shield is made from the same metal alloy.
# # # # #
WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)
Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.