February 18, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160218

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Hi, it’s (THE JOCK SHOW)!  Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” –Matthew 5:43-45 NIV

 

This is love: not that we loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. — 1 John 4:10

 

Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority, because they keep watch over you as those who must give an account. Do this so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no benefit to you. — Hebrews 13:17

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. — Philippians 2:3

 

Thought: Humility is recognizing who God has made us to be and using that recognition to serve and redeem others. Living in humility as Jesus did, we don’t just practice the golden rule, but we go one step better — we treat others better than we would treat ourselves. Are we instructed to do this because we’re unworthy or unfit? No! Jesus was worthy and glorious, but he chose to treat others better than himself when he sacrificially gave himself to redeem them. It’s a high standard. It’s a hard standard. It is not for wimps. But it is ultimately glorious. (Hint: Read down through verse 10 and remember that the same type of reward will be given to the faithful!)

 

Prayer: Almighty God, thank you for adopting me as your child and making me holy and precious to you. Please help me to see myself as you do, and then, as one of your precious children, empower me to serve others in ways that help them see your glory. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Hebrews 2:18 NIV = Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.

 

 

TODAY IS THURSDAY – FEBRUARY 18, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 310 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

This is HEALTH EDUCATION WEEK, and it’s always on the third week of February.

 

This is PLUTO DAY.  In 1930 the planet Pluto was discovered by astronomer Clyde Tombaugh. *** Well, it used to be a planet.  Now it’s not a planet – unless you talk to the public at large of which 86% believe it should be a planet.  The remaining 14% wonder what space exploration has to do with an orange cartoon dog.

 

Today is NATIONAL BATTERY DAY. *** And for those of you planning on celebrating it, just remember that it’s assault and THEN battery.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Cow Milked While Flying In An Airplane Day

Eat Ice Cream For Breakfast Day

The Great American Spit Out

National Drink Wine Day

National Hate Florida Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 19

Best Friends Day (Spongebob Squarepants)

Chocolate Mint Day

National Lashes Day

Women in Blue Jeans Days

Iwo Jima Day

 

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 20

Love Your Pet Day

Northern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day

World Day for Social Justice

 

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 21

International Mother Language Day

World Information Architecture Day

Daytona 500

 

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 22

87th Academy Awards Ceremony

Museum Advocacy Day

National Margarita Day

Woolworth’s Day

World Thinking Day

George Washington’s Birthday

Tex Avery Day

 

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 23

Curling is Cool Day

Diesel Engine Day

Iwo Jima Day (flags should be raised)

National Dog Biscuit Day

 

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 24

World Bartender Day

Inconvenience Yourself Day

 

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 25

Introduce a Girl to Engineering Day

National Chili Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1885: Mark Twain’s ”Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” was published.

 

1953: The first three-dimensional movie, Bwana Devil, opened at Loew’s State Theater in New York City, kicking off a short-lived fad in which 3-D fans had to wear special eyeglasses to the movies. Bwana Devil starred Robert Stack and Barbara Britton.

 

1953: Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz signed an $8-million contract with CBS to continue the “I Love Lucy” TV show through 195, the richest contract in television at the time.

 

1959: Ray Charles recorded “What’d I Say” in New York. Ray had made up the song a few months earlier when the band came up 10 minutes short for a contract show. Ray simply started playing, motioning the Raelettes and the band to follow his lead. The 10-minute song brought the house down and became a regular part of the show.

 

1960: The Everly Brothers recorded “When Will I Be Loved?”

 

1972: John and Yoko concluded a week of co-hosting The Mike Douglas Show.

 

1988: At a Crewkerne auction in England, a British bookseller paid $10,035 for a lock of naval hero Lord Nelson’s hair, history’s most expensive hair.

 

1992: The U.S. issued a patent (#D324,117) to Celess Antoine of Forestville, Maryland, for the Dog Umbrella, a transparent, ventilated body cover that fastened to a dog’s back to keep him dry in rainy weather.

 

1993: After a train hit a baby elephant near Dhaka, Bangladesh, the mother elephant blocked the tracks so the next train had to stop, then she beat her head against the engine for 15 minutes. The train was so damaged, 200 passengers were stranded for five hours.

 

1997: Kimberly and Joel Frisby of Okarche, Oklahoma, became proud parents of a son. A big son. Hunter Joel Samuel Frisby weighed 13 pounds, 9 ounces. Mom said her doctor told her, “Congratulations, you’ve just given birth to a toddler.”

 

1997: Trinity Broadcasting, a U.S. Christian TV network, cancelled Pat Boone’s weekly gospel music show after he appeared in black leather and fake tattoos on the American Music Awards show.

 

2001: Auto racer Dale Earnhardt Sr. died at age 49 from injuries suffered in a crash at the Daytona 500.

 

2003: A Romanian teenager who won the $1.2 million lottery jackpot could not collect his winnings for two weeks because he couldn’t afford the $32 train fare to Bucharest. The unemployed 17-year-old, from Baia village in Suceava county, had to wait for his benefit money to arrive. Neighbors refused to loan him or his father the money.

 

2006: American Shani Davis won the men’s 1,000-meter speed-skating in Turin, becoming the first black athlete to win an individual gold medal in Winter Olympic history.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1229: Jerusalem surrenders to Crusaders.

 

1546: German reformer Martin Luther dies in Eisleben. In one of his pockets he had placed the beginning of a projected manuscript against Roman Catholics. In another pocket was a slip of paper reminding him, “We are beggars, that’s the truth”.

 

1564: Michelangelo Buonarroti, the Italian Renaissance artist whose works include the frescoes in the Sistine Chapel, dies.

 

1678: Puritan preacher John Bunyan publishes The Pilgrim’s Progress, the best-selling book (apart from the Bible) in history. The allegorical tale, which describes Bunyan’s own conversion process, begins, “I saw a man clothed with rags… a book in his hand and a great burden upon his back”.

 

1688: Quakers in Germantown, Pennsylvania, issue America’s first formal protest of slavery.

 

1885: The Cambridge Seven, upper class young men dedicated to God, reach China.

 

1863: John Paton, having survived desperate dangers and terrible family losses in the Hebrides, visits Australia’s

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“The Parent Hood”) Tyrone Burton 37
  • actress (“The Secret Life of the American Teenager”, “Townies”, Sixteen Candles, For Keeps, The Breakfast Club, “The Facts of Life”) Molly Ringwald is 48
  • actor (Something About Mary, Mr. Wonderful, The Outsiders, My Bodyguard) Matt Dillon 52
  • TV hostess (“Wheel of Fortune”) Vanna White 59
  • actor (Grease, The General’s Daughter, Phenomenon, Pulp Fiction, “Welcome Back Kotter”) John Travolta 62 (
    )
  • actress (“The L Word”, “Psych”, “Martha Stewart Behind Bars”, “Cybill”, “Moonlighting”) Cybill Shepherd 66

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1914 : Pee Wee King

1933 : Yoko Ono

1941 : Herman Santiago (Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers)

1941 : Irma Thomas

1947 : Dennis DeYoung (Styx)

1948 : Keith Knudsen (The Doobie Brothers)

1952 : Juice Newton

1953 : Robbie Bachman (Bachman-Turner Overdrive)

1953 : Derek Pellicci (Little River Band)

1954 : John Travolta

1965 : Dr. Dre

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Is man the only species on Earth that has teenagers?

First let’s acknowledge that the application of such expressions as slothful and piggish to teenagers in no way implies that these metaphorically abused animals have themselves nothing better to do on a Saturday night than drive around aimlessly, dripping pizza sauce on their jeans. That doesn’t mean, though, that we are necessarily the only species designated by nature to suffer adolescent antics. While we have no record of rhesus monkeys asking for the car keys or maxing out their parents’ plastic at the mall, they do seem to experience a teenager-like period. At least the males do. Upon attaining puberty, they leave their troop to hang with other young males and, oh, do they party! Then, after sowing their wild oats, they rejoin a troop and settle down, ready to enter adult monkey society. And get on with monkey business… sound familiar?

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

The Sidewalk Prophets recently honored Greenville County Sheriff’s Deputy Matt Holman with a surprise concert. Matt gave his personal Bible to a homeless man, an act of kindness that changed the man’s life forever. Before the man passed away he got his life back on track and he credited Deputy Holman’s generosity for the starting the process. As a way of honoring Matt and all of the others in law enforcement who tirelessly serve our communities and our great God the Sidewalk Prophets played the bands song Save My Life at a special event just for Matt and the rest of his team.

 

Francesca Battistelli was at her in-laws in her pjs waiting on baby number 3 when she received word that she had received a Grammy award. Francesca received an award for the Best Contemporary Christian Music Performance or Song for her song Holy Spirit. In response, Francesca posted: I’m so grateful for Bryan and Katie Torwalt. They wrote an incredible song and the Lord is honoring it! I’m thankful to get to sing it! Francesca added: absolutely floored by the news…a Grammy! Is this real life?

 

Francesca Battistelli may be a little behind. She tweeted this week: Knocking out emails from SEPTEMBER today.

 

Adoption advocate Show Hope says more people have been impacted by adoption than you might think. The organization started by Steven Curtis Chapman recently posted a list of 30 famous people were impacted by adoption.  http://sho.pe/1LpGUcf

 

Jordan Feliz was pulling the late shift this week. No, he hasn’t taken a side job. Jordan posted: Sometimes your baby just decides not to sleep at all throughout the night. He had the 3am to 6am shift and said he was very tired.

 

Citizenway’s Ben Calhoun recently had a proud daddy moment. He posted a picture as his two daughters sang with him on stage over the weekend.  https://www.instagram.com/p/BBqChtFFunl/

 

A promise from Chris Tomlin; he tweeted: We’ve got something coming your way on Friday! Be on the lookout…

 

Josh Wilson’s tour kicks off this weekend with a unique hash tag. The tour features Josh, Jason Gray, and JJ Heller, prompting Josh to hash tag it the #JandJandJJ tour. Josh said tour rehearsals are underway right now as they prepare for the kickoff in Wisconsin on the 19th.  https://www.instagram.com/p/BB3H7R6BkVV/

 

Citizenway’s Ben Blascoe is celebrating. He posted: pitchers and catchers report to camp friday. Go Cubs Go.

 

Matt Maher didn’t receive a Grammy award this week but he was celebrating anyway. Matt was distracted from his Grammy nomination by the birth of his baby boy Callum. He posted the news using the hashtag Grammy baby. Callum weighed in at 8 pounds, 7 ounces. Matt said: Boy and momma are doing great.

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

From Spokane, Washington, comes word that an argument about garbage between neighbors escalated until one neighbor began threatening another with a swordlike weapon from “Star Trek.” Carlo Cerutti, who’s 50, has been charged with assault after allegedly swinging a Klingon bat’leth with multiple blades at the victim.  *** 50-year-old Carlo has been sentenced to house arrest in his mother’s basement.

 

A small town in Canada’s Northwest Territories is finally getting a cut of the hairdressing trade. The town of Norman Wells is home to nearly 800 people, but the closest hairdresser is a 17-hour drive away. A hairdresser in Edmonton, Alberta — located more than 930 miles southeast of Norman Wells — has finally reached out and offered his services. He plans to start taking appointments in the town later this month.  ***He’s even bringing his own scissors and bowl.

 

Australian authorities this week seized $890.5-million worth of liquid methamphetamine, AKA “ice,” in their largest haul of illicit drugs in two years. Four Chinese nationals have been charged in the importation and manufacture of the drug which were hidden inside art supplies and gel bra inserts.  ***The suspects are keeping their stories close to the chest.

 

Police say two pedestrians were hit by blow darts while walking across the Golden Gate Bridge last week.  ***This is what happens when you ban guns – criminals reenact scenes from “Raiders of the Lost Ark”.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A new study shows that more and more Americans are taking laptop computers on vacation with them in order to get ahead on work-related projects.  ***MARLAR: But they make up the difference by goofing off more at work.

 

If you are thinking of quitting smoking, it is probably Monday. Researchers monitored Google searches for five years and almost every week, searches about kicking the habit peaked on Mondays.  ***Of course, Mondays are also the most stressful day of the week, which is exactly when you feel you need a cigarette.

 

Children aged four and under who get less than 10 hours of sleep a night are nearly twice as likely to be overweight or obese five years later, according to researchers from the University of California and University of Washington in Seattle.  According to the National Sleep Foundation, toddlers aged 1 to 3 years old should sleep for 12 to 14 hours a night; preschoolers, aged 3 to 5 years old, should sleep 11 to 13 hours, and 5- to 10-year-olds should get 10 to 11 hours. Teens should get 8.5 to 9.25 hours of sleep nightly.  ***MARLAR: In other words, sloth is good for you.

 

Looks like calling in sick when you’re not is NOT just an American thing.  A recent survey finds that 71% of Chinese workers admit to calling in sick when they weren’t. The survey found that about half of all Americans have taken a fake sick day — on par with countries like Canada and Australia.  On the other hand, only 16% of French workers say they have taken a fake sick day.  *** Which only proves that the French are dirty rotten liars who won’t admit to being dirty rotten liars.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Swimming Is Good For Your Shape”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Bob Smiley, “This Is My Real Voice”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, the badminton racquets made for Gruffy, Sully, and Nozzles all broke during their first use.  When they went back to Racquet to complain, he convinced them to buy new racquets – but these will be even more flimsy than the first racquets, and he’s even got them to buy defective birdies too!

 

CLOSE: Well, it looks like Racquets bad badminton racquet racket might backfire on Racquet and the racquet of Racquet’s niece, Rita… all because Racquet tried to cheat his friends.  But his solution isn’t to make it right – it’s just to make a new racquet for Rita.  This is not looking good.  Find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF FEBRUARY 20/21

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, Louis the lion – currently the king of the jungle – decided he didn’t want to be king.  So all of the animals went out to find a new king… and they’ve found a really big throne – and a really big crown!  Then the animals asked Louis to try the crown on…

 

CLOSE: The searching has finally paid off!  The animals have finally found a new king!  Or have they?  This older lion seems to like to nap a lot.  What kind of king would he be?  Tune in again next time, for As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

The fastest way to fill a swimming pool?

In Orange County, Florida, a firefighter is under investigation for using a county tanker truck to fill up someone’s swimming pool. Tanker 82 pulled the truck up to the fence, and used a hose to fill a pool. The home’s owner, William Vazquez, also works for the county Fire Department. A hearing will decide exactly what discipline, if any, the firefighter and his lieutenant will face.  ***MARLAR: Personally, I think they should make the guy pay the fire department’s water bill for the month.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR WORSHIP SERVICE IS A LITTLE TOO RELAXED

 

  1. The choir wears bath robes and bunny slippers!

 

  1. Every prayer ends with “Yeah, God, You be the Man!”

 

  1. The church just replaced their old pew bibles with the ABV (Authorized Barney Version)!

 

  1. The last time the word “sin” was heard in the sanctuary, it was in reference to the hardness of the pews!

 

  1. The most conservative member of the congregation is the Youth Minister!

 

  1. The Preacher refuses to preach without his pipe and slippers!

 

  1. The last time an Altar Call was made, the congregation was encouraged to use their cell phones!

 

  1. The baptistery was replaced with a Jacuzzi!

 

  1. 60% of the mission budget was funneled into purchasing reclining pews!

 

  1. No one in the congregation has ever heard these words of Jesus, “Pick up your cross and follow me!”

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

It’s the cops against the backhoe – who will win?

 

FILE #1: It was anything but a high speed chase when a Toronto man stole a backhoe to break down the wall of a car wash to get at the coin machine. However, plucking the coin machine out of the carwash didn’t go unnoticed by one snowplow driver and the chase was on. The police were called in and the crook soon abandoned his slow-moving backhoe and attempted to make a speedier getaway on foot. That getaway might have been more successful had he not left his footprints behind in the snow, leading police straight to him.

 

FILE #2: New Zealand’s Mark Leslie Payne was on his way to court to defend himself on charges of driving with a suspended license. Unfortunately, Mark was late for his hearing because he was pulled over for speeding. Knowing he was about to be again caught driving with a suspended license, Mark came up with a plan. He pulled over and jumped into the passenger seat. Mark told the officer he wasn’t the driver, which might have worked better had there been someone else in the car.

 

FILE #3: A man from Ecuador returned from a business trip to find his house had been burglarized. And when we say his house was robbed, we’re not just not talking about the stuff inside — we’re talking the actual house! Fulton Porozo Quinonez told police in that he found a vacant space where his house used to stand. Quinonez said his neighbors confirmed that four men had taken his home apart and carried the pieces away. He has been staying in a hotel while the investigation continues. Not to minimize what happened to the poor guy, but if four guys can take apart your “house” and cart it away, it might not really be a “house”!

 

STRANGE LAW: Comic book lovers Beware! In Oklahoma, it’s a violation to read a comic book while driving. Which sounds fine, except that the law applies only to comic books. If you want to read “War and Peace” while driving, there’s no law against that, at least not specifically.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

One fun thing about being a drug dealer – you can afford pets that no one has even heard of before!

Drug agents have seen just about everything.  But nothing like the strange beast in a suspect’s home.  Narcotics investigators in Riverside County, California, came across an animal that was later identified as a coatimundi (KOH’-ah-tay-mun-dee).  It’s a creature with a long snout, bear-like claws and a tail like a raccoon.  The tough cops admit it scared the heck out of them.   ***MARLAR: Turns out, “coatimundi” is a South American term which, roughly translated, means “(NAME OF OTHER JOCK).”

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Anyone get engaged on Valentine’s Day?  How did he/she propose to you?

 

Anything funny happen to your or your date on Valentine’s Day?

 

How romantic was he on Valentine’s Day?  Did he go over-the-top in his shopping?  How?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: In the Millennium, after Jesus’ second coming, what will be written on everything, including the bells on the horses’ harnesses?
ANSWER: “HOLY TO THE LORD” (Zechariah 14:20,21)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: If you suffer from Pentheraphobia, what is your fear of?

ANSWER: Your mother-in-law

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (True)

 

  1. John Lennon’s first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles. (True)

 

  1. The average person falls asleep in seventeen minutes. (False – seven minutes)

 

  1. There are 313 dimples on a regulation golf ball. (False, 336)

 

  1. “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”. (True)

 

  1. All 50 U.S. states are listed across the top of the $100 bill. (False – they are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.)

 

  1. Almonds are members of the peach family. (True)

 

  1. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. (True)

 

  1. The longest place-name still in use is: Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamatea-turipukakapikimaungahoronukupo- kaiwenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill. (True)

 

  1. After chocolate and vanilla, strawberry is considered the world’s most favorite flavor. (False, orange)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

WOOLY _________ SPOTTED IN RUSSIA (MAMMOTH)

SIBERIA –  A wooly mammoth has been spotted roaming the tundra of Siberia!

The beast was spotted trudging across icy waters in a sighting that proves woolly mammoths are not extinct after all.

The animal – thought to have mostly died out roughly 4,000 years ago – was apparently filmed wading through a river in the freezing wilds of Siberia.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A duck went into a store and said: “Have you got any strawberries?”

The storekeeper said “No.”

A while later the duck went into the same store and said: “Have you got any strawberries?”

The storekeeper said “No.”

A third time, the duck went into the store and said: “Have you got any strawberries?”

The storekeeper said “No, and if you ask me again, I’m going to nail your web feet to the floor!”

A few hours later, the duck went back into that same store and said: “Have you got any nails?”

The storekeeper said: “No.”

The duck said : “Have you got any strawberries?”

 

JOKE #2

Coming out of church Sunday morning, Mom commented, “The choir was awful this morning.”

Dad agreed, and added, “The sermon was too long.”

Their daughter added, “It was a pretty good show for a quarter!”

 

JOKE #3

A golfer, who was known for his bad temper, walked into the Pro Shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of woods.

The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time – more than half expecting he’d come in and demand his money back.

But the next time he came in, he was all smiles.

“They’re the best clubs I’ve ever had,” he said. “In fact, I’ve discovered I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could my last ones.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Resistance training not only makes you feel and look better, but also it can reverse aging, making muscles younger through regular workouts, according to researchers from the Buck Institute for Age Research in Novato, CA, and McMaster University Medical School in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada.  ***MARLAR: Resistance – please.  I can’t even resist going to the refrigerator during a commercial break.

 

A plan to drive teenage thugs away from a park in Sydney, Australia, by blasting them with loud Barry Manilow music is backfiring as neighbors are now complaining.   ***MARLAR: Just lower the volume: trust me, it doesn’t have to be that loud.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

QUESTIONS IN HEAVEN

A man was standing at the gates of Heaven, and St. Peter told him that he could not come in. The man asked if he could do anything to change St. Peter’s mind. St. Peter said, “Answer any one of three questions that I will ask you.”

The man said, “All right.”

The first question was a two part question. The first part was “How many days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”

The man said “two.” St. Peter said “that’s right.”

“Now, what days are they?”

The man said “Today and tomorrow.”

St. Peter said, “That’s not exactly the answer that I wanted.”  So, St. Peter asked the second question, which was also a two part question: “How many seconds are there in a minute?”

The man said “60.”

St. Peter said, “That’s right, now how many seconds are there in a year?”

The man thought for a long time and then finally said “I’ve got it!” And then, he said “12.”

St. Peter said “That’s not the answer that I had in mind, how do you get it?”

He said, “The second of January, second of February, second of March, and so on.”

So, with two of the answers wrong, St. Peter asked the third and last question, which was: “What is God’s name?”

The man thought for a while, and finally said “That’s easy, I know, it’s ‘Howard.’”

St. Peter said, “Why did you say that?”

The man said, well I say it every day when I say the Lord’s Prayer: “Our Father, who art in heaven Howard be thy name.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A world record nobody wants to break!
29-year-old Matthew McKnight of Connellsville, Pennsylvania, finds himself in the enviable position of being a world record holder in the Guinness Book of World Records. And he may be there for a while as chances are no one is going to rush out to break his record — the record for “Greatest Distance Thrown in a Car Accident”! Matthew managed to survive being thrown 118 feet by a car that hit him while traveling about 70 mph. He was struck on Oct. 26, 2001, while trying to help accident victims along Interstate 376 in Monroeville, about 15 miles east of Pittsburgh. The end result was two dislocated shoulders plus a broken shoulder, pelvis, leg and tailbone. He spent two weeks in the hospital and 80 days in rehab before returning to work in April 2002. But hey — he got in the Guinness Book!

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

TAKING RISKS
To Laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach for another is to risk involvement.
To expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To believe is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, live, love. Chained by their attitudes they are slaves; they have forfeited their freedom.  Only a person who risks is free.

–Anonymous

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

How would you like to have your every thought for the past 6 months flashed on a screen for all your acquaintances, neighbors, and church friends to see? You would probably want to leave town! It is sobering to realize that even though we can hide our thoughts from others, God knows what we’re thinking (Ps. 94:11).

We need to give careful attention to our thoughts not only because God knows them but also because our thoughts determine our character. Jesus said that our words and actions spring from our heart (Mt. 15:18-19).

While visiting Mammoth Cave in Kentucky, one can see enormous pillars that have been formed by the steady dropping of water. A single drop finds its way from the surface down through the ceiling of the cavern to deposit its minute sediment on the floor of the cave. Another drop follows it, and still another, until the “icicle of stone” forms a pillar of rock.

A similar process is going on in each of our hearts. Every thought that sinks into the soul makes its contribution, producing the pillars in our character. The ideas you hold in your mind help to form the facets of your personality that make up the real “you.”

So, how is your thought-life?

 

 

LEFTOVERS

YOU NEED A TIC-TAC OR SOMETHING

What exactly causes bad breath? 

Do you know someone with bad breath at the office? School? You might want to drop this list of tips off on their desk. Here are reasons why someone may have “Dragon Breath!”

  • Poor dental hygiene (insufficient brushing and flossing)
  • Periodontal (gum) disease, caused by bacteria that forms on the teeth (plaque)
  • Improperly fitting or poorly cleaned dentures
  • A foreign body in the nose, such as a piece of old tissue (more common in children)
  • Dry mouth or xerostomia (may be caused by certain medications or medical conditions that decrease the production of saliva, as well as continuous mouth breathing, especially during sleep)
  • Tobacco products
  • Drinks such as coffee or alcohol
  • Foods containing volatile oils (onions, garlic, others) that are absorbed into the bloodstream
  • Illness (diabetes, kidney disease, post-nasal drip, sinusitis, gastro-esophageal reflux disease, etc.)
  • High protein or extreme calorie-restricting diets that may trigger the body into a state of ketosis and cause a “fruity breath” odor.

(audio clip)

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

BAD HABITS TO AVOID AT THE OFFICE

Do you know anyone with really bad habits at the office? Here is a list of bad habits from CareerBuilder.com that can harm your career, and suggestions on how to break some of these bad habits!  If you’re guilty of one (or more), it’s time to get them under control!

  • Bad Habit: Missing deadlines. What you think: “If it’s only a little late, it doesn’t mean anything.” What it really says: Your colleagues and boss can’t count on you. What to do: Don’t view deadlines as negotiable. Remind yourself that people are counting on you to do your job well, which includes completing tasks on time. Even if you just barely missed the deadline and everything turned out OK, you probably caused your teammates a lot of anxiety and extra work, which they won’t forget.
  • Bad Habit: Dressing unprofessionally. What you think: “I’m the office free spirit with a quirky sense of style!” What it really says: You don’t take the job seriously. What to do: You don’t have to be a boring dresser to be professional, but you shouldn’t look like you’re about to go clubbing or strutting down a runway. Take a cue from your co-workers to see what’s considered acceptable in the office.
  • Bad Habit: Not being punctual. What you think: “As long as I get all my work in, nobody cares.” What it really says: You think your time is more important than everybody else’s. What to do: Stick to the schedule. Everyone in your office would like to sleep in a little or leave early, but they don’t because people rely on them to be on time.
  • Bad Habit: Checking your e-mail, playing games, shopping. What you think: “I’m discreet.” What it really says: You’re not doing your job. What to do: Keep the fun stuff to a minimum. Most employers don’t mind if you check your e-mail every once in awhile or read your favorite blog for a few minutes in the morning. They begin to care when you minimize that game of Scrabulous every time they walk by your desk. You’re being paid to work, not play.
  • Bad Habit: Gossiping. What you think: “I’m just saying what I heard.” What it really says: You can’t be trusted. What to do: Sure, everybody gossips a little here and there, but it shouldn’t be your livelihood. Eventually you’ll gain a reputation for not keeping anything confidential –whether it’s a personal matter or work-related. Plus, your chattering could end up hurting somebody’s feelings or reputation.
  • Bad Habit: Being negative. What you think: “Everybody complains.” What it really says: You’re the person to avoid. What to do: It’s natural to grumble about work once in awhile. If you gripe and moan when you’re asked to do anything, however, people will not only get annoyed, they’ll wonder why you don’t just quit. Keep in mind that work isn’t always fun; keep the complaints to a minimum.
  • Bad Habit: Trying to be everybody’s best friend. What you think: “I’m just sociable.” What it really says: You don’t know how to set boundaries. What to do: It’s not uncommon for friendships to develop at work, but don’t expect it to happen with everybody. Unless you have reason to do otherwise, treat your superiors, colleagues and subordinates like professionals, not like school buddies.

 

PHONER: What do your coworkers at the office do that annoys you?  (Totally open to interpretation!)

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

HELP IS ON THE WAY

Women, are you wishing your men would help you out more around the house? Are you afraid that even if he offered to help he wouldn’t know how to do anything right, anyway? Send him to school!

A school in Vienna is offering classes for men who lack basic domestic skills like ironing, doing laundry and cooking. For just 200 schillings (about sixteen dollars), the Hietzing Volkshochschule in Austria will introduce novices to the delights of housework in classes that vary from 90 minutes to two-hours and conclude with a diploma. For 1,700 schillings, women can buy vouchers entitling their men to a complete package that includes ironing, sorting washing, basic cooking and dress sense.  ***MARLAR: So if the guys pass the class their reward is doing housework?  Gee, sign me up.

 

 

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT HOLLYWOOD IS NOT CALLING YOU

  • People boo you when they see you in home movies
  • People want to put your entire feet in cement, not just footprints
  • Director walks up to you and says you’d be perfect… if you would just leave
  • You’re told you have the face of a model — a discontinued model
  • The MGM lion just tried to eat you

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Taller people are happier than shorter people.

…That’s the word from the Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index that found each extra inch in height gives us as much satisfaction as a 4% increase in income. The study found that taller people are not only more satisfied with their lives in general, but also they are more likely to report positive emotions like enjoyment and happiness and less likely to report emotions like anger, sadness and stress. According to the Gallup study, it would take a 29% increase in income to have the same effect on men’s life satisfaction as moving from below-average to above-average height.  ***MARLAR: So instead of asking for a raise in pay, ask for a raise in height!

  • PHONER: How about it?  We want to hear from you if you’re under 5ft tall – are you miserable, or happy?  What about being short do you like/not like?  How about the folks over 6’6”?  Being tall, do you think you enjoy life more, or is this study complete balderdash?  What do you like or dislike about being tall?

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Focus on the Family is giving away a free Marriage Assessment. Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley have spent years studying why marriages thrive. They’ve found there are 12 behaviors that consistently make up great marriages. Based on that research and experience from the Smalleys, Focus on the Family has created valid and reliable questions that evaluate the strength of 12 essential traits of your marriage— areas such as communication, conflict, and commitment. Now married couples can take the assessment for free on the Focus web site. http://ow.ly/Ya6vv

 

Former NFL quarterback and outspoken Christian Tim Tebow and his foundation held more than 200 proms for people with special needs in 48 states and seven countries last week. According to the Huffington Post, the event was called “Night to Shine” and encouraged people with physical and mental disabilities to enjoy a night of music, dancing and all-around fun. According to Tebow’s foundation, 32,000 people formally attended the event and a combined 70,000 volunteered to help make the night happen. Tebow, now a SEC Network analyst, surprised some of the attendees by personally showing up to their prom.  http://huff.to/1POLqCU

 

Patrick was one of Fort Worth’s most wanted criminals. He was a drug addict who had been to prison, had a heart attack, and had a gun held to his head. When he finally reached his low point, when he’d had enough, he called out to God for help. God brought in the salvation Army who gave Patrick another chance and some survival tools. Now Patrick has a job and he says his future is beautiful and he loves his life. To watch Patrick’s story go to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GqmRQlKYu0

 

A milestone for the Kingman Arizona prison. Inmates who participate in Joni and Friend’s Wheels for the World program shipped out their 5,000th restored wheelchair to people who live in Third World countries. 29 inmates at the prison currently work in the program.  http://ow.ly/Ya6fT

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“I’ve just heard that photons have mass. I didn’t even know they were Catholic.” — Don Geddis

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

FEBRUARY 12, 2016…

 

Where To Invade—Michael Moore (and I bet he’s working on a documentary now on the water situation in Flint, Michigan) travels the world in his documentary “Where To Invade” trying to find information (tongue-in-cheek) to help the U.S. He goes to Finland and other countries looking for answers to prison crowding (in one country, the prisoners have free roaming of the prison and it is better inside than outside.) “Where To Invade” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3.

 

Deadpool—Comic book fans, here comes “Deadpool,” the former special forces/mercenary guy who underwent an experiment (again?) and comes out fighting crime with language to boot. Ryan Reynolds plays the hero, and others in the cast include Morena Baccarin (“Gotham”), Ed Skrein (“Transporter”) and Stan Lee (you read that right.) “Deadpool” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

How To Be Single—The gals gather: Dakota Johnson, Alison Bree, Rebel Wilson and Leslie Mann—to learn how to live without men. Look out guys, here they come. “How To Be Single” is rated R. No rating.

 

Zoolander 2-–The first film was a fan favorite and now Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson reprise their roles as models Derek and Hansel. Guess who else is in the cast? Benedict Cumberbatch (“Sherlock Holmes”), Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell. This story has devious people trying to get Derek and Hansel out of the business. “Zoolander 2” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

The Bad Hurt—All families have problems, hurts and secrets and in this particular one, they try to work through everything. The cast includes Ashley Williams, Karen Allen and Johnny Whitworth. “The Bad Hurt” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

FEBRUARY 19, 2016…

 

Race is the story of Jesse Owens, the African-American athlete who was in the 1936 Olympics against all odds. Stars Stephan James.

 

Viral has a virus running amok around the country and one family trying to avoid getting it. Stars Analeigh Tipton and Michael Kelly.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.