February 23, 2018: Friday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180223
PDF: 20180223

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

This is a dangerous job because it screws up your reflexes. Yesterday my car almost hit tree, and instead of slamming on the breaks, I tried to go to a commercial.

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“America is best described by one word, freedom.” – Dwight D. Eisenhower

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and will not be faint. — Isaiah 40:31

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. — 1 John 4:11-12

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. — Ephesians 5:21

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith — and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God — not by works, so that no one can boast. — Ephesians 2:8-9

Thought: As a child, I loved to receive gifts. In such a simple time of life, a gift meant I was loved. I didn’t worry about the significance or hidden message in a gift. I wasn’t concerned about the “strings attached” to the gift. It was just a gift — a free expression of love I didn’t deserve, given to me by someone who truly cared for me. Isn’t it great to get to be God’s child and receive his gift and know we can receive it as a child?!

Prayer: Thank you, generous Father, for the gift of grace, the gift of faith, the gift of salvation, and most of all, the gift of Jesus. I know I can never repay these gifts, but I look forward to saying “Thank you!” through my lifestyle now and I look forward to continuing to say “Thank you!” through all eternity. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 John 2:23 NIV = No one who denies the Son has the Father; whoever acknowledges the Son has the Father also.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – FEBRUARY 23, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
304 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is EASY DIVORCE DAY. On February 23, 1915, Nevada passed a divorce law that made divorce possible after only six months of residency. It was the first easy divorce law in the United States. ***Even if you do call it that, there’s nothing “easy” about divorce. Personally, I think divorces should be decided upon even more cautiously and require by law more counseling than what is usually received before marriage.

Today is INTERNATIONAL DOG BISCUIT APPRECIATION DAY.  ***I don’t know much about this topic, but you might call (OTHER JOCK / MY BOSS) and ask him what HIS favorite flavor is.

Today is PEBBLES’ DAY, marking the birth of a cartoon daughter to Fred and Wilma Flintstone on this date in 10-thousand B.C. ***That makes her over 12,000 years old. And yet she’s STILL a looker! (audio clip)

TODAY IS ALSO…

Curling is Cool Day
Digital Learning Day
Diesel Engine Day: 23
Girl Scout Cookie Weekend
Iwo Jima Day (flag raised)
National Dog Biscuit Day
National Tile Day
Single Tasking Day
Skip The Straw Day
Tootsie Roll Day
Women in Blue Jeans Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 24

Forget Me Not Day
International Sword Swallowers Day

National Dance Day
Open That Bottle Night

World Bartender Day

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 25

(NONE TODAY)

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 26

National Personal Chef’s Day
For Pete’s Sake Day
Levi Strauss Day
Museum Advocacy Day
National Cupcake Day
World Pistachio Day

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 27

Anosomia Awareness Day
IHOP International Pancake Day
International Polar Bear Day
Travel Africa Day
Spay Day USA
World NGO Day

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 28

Pink Shirt Day
Floral Design Day
Inconvenience Yourself Day
National Tooth Fairy Day
Rare Disease Day

THURSDAY, MARCH 01

Asiatic Fleet Memorial Day
Baby Sleep Day
Dadgum That’s Good Day
National Black Women in Jazz & The Arts Day
Endometriosis Day or Wear Yellow Day
National Horse Protection Day
National Peanut Lovers Day
Peace Corps Day
Pig Day
Plan a Solo Vacation Day
Purim
Refired, Not Retired Day
Saint David’s Day
Self-injury Awareness Day
World Book Day
World Compliment Day
Zero Discrimination Day

FRIDAY, MARCH 02

Dress in Blue Day
Dr. Seuss Day
Employee Appreciation Day
National Salesperson Day
National Speech and Debate Education Day
NEA’s Read Across America Day
World Day of Prayer

ON THIS DAY

1836: General Santa Anna’s Mexican army attacked the Alamo in San Antonio, Texas. ***I’ll stop there so I won’t spoil it for you in case you don’t know how it ended.

1927: President Coolidge signed a bill that created the Federal Communications Commission. ***In case they’re listening: “Yay!”

1939: At the Biltmore Hotel in Los Angeles, Walt Disney received eight Academy Awards for Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: one regular-size Oscar and seven miniature ones. (audio clip)

1965: Comedian Stan Laurel died in Santa Monica, California. He was 74.

1990: Singer Reba McEntire gave birth to a baby boy; named him Shelby.

1992: Residents of Auckland, New Zealand, completed history’s tallest tower made entirely of Lego blocks. It stood 65 feet 2 inches tall.

1995: Fort Lauderdale police arrested two teenage boys in a stolen car on their way home from court where they had just been charged with 25 other car thefts. They said they didn’t have bus fare to get home.

1995: While prison guards in Calaya, Mexico, apparently weren’t paying attention, six inmates escaped from an exercise yard by bouncing over the wall from a trampoline.

1997: Scientists in Scotland announced they had succeeded in cloning an adult mammal, producing a lamb named Dolly.

1998: Officials were forced to shut down the entire 750-student school district in Spokane, Missouri, after skunks opened the mating season under the middle school. After turning on all the fans and calling in a skunk trapper, the smell was gone the following day.

2000: Carlos Santana won eight Grammy awards for his album ”Supernatural,” tying the record set in 1983 by Michael Jackson.

2002: The first McDonald’s drive-through for snowmobiles opened Pitea, Sweden, about 80 miles south of the Arctic Circle. There were 6,000 snowmobiles registered in Pitea. Snowmobiles in Sweden must follow specially marked tracks and their owners can be fined if they drive off the track.

2002: Penn State pole vaulter Kevin Dare died after landing on his head during the Big 10 indoor championships in Minneapolis.

2003: Norah Jones won five Grammy Awards, including album and record of the year.

2004: The U.S. Army canceled its Comanche helicopter program after sinking $6.9 billion into it over 21 years.

2005: Official efforts to identify victims from the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks in New York ended, leaving more than 1,000 bodies unidentified.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

155 (traditional date): Polycarp, the bishop of Smyrna, is martyred. Reportedly a disciple of the Apostle John, at age 86 he was taken to be burned at the stake. “You try to frighten me with fire that burns for an hour and forget the fire of hell that never burns out,” he said. The flames, legend says, would not touch him, and when he was run through with a sword, his blood put the fire out.

303: Diocletian begins his “Great Persecution,” issuing edicts that call for church buildings to be destroyed, sacred writings burned, Christians to lose civil rights, and clergy to be imprisoned and forced to sacrifice. The following year he went even further, ordering all people to sacrifice on pain of death.

455 (traditional date): Johannes Gutenberg publishes the Bible, the first book ever printed on a press with movable type.

1685: George Frederick Handel, composer of the oratorio “Messiah,” is born. He died in 1741, having spent the last six years of his life in total blindness.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (Hide and Seek, War of the Worlds) Dakota Fanning, 24

  • Actor (Skippy on “Family Ties”) Mark Price, 50

  • actress (The Adventures of Sharkboy & Lava Girl in 3:D, The Shaggy Dog, ”Melrose Place,” “Sex & The City”) Kristin Davis 52 (audio clip)

  • actress (“The Guiding Light”) Sophie Hayden 63

  • Spokesman (“Motel 6” – we’ll leave the light on for you.) Tom Bodette, 63

  • Actress (Jill Taylor on “Home Improvement”) Patricia Richardson, 67 (audio clip)

  • Actor (Easy Rider) Peter Fonda, 77

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1944 : Johnny Winter

1946 : Rusty Young (Poco, Buffalo Springfield)

1950 : Steve Priest (Sweet)

1952 : Brad Whitford (Aerosmith)

1955 : Howard Jones

1962 : Michael Wilton (Queensryche)

1971 : Jeff Beres (Sister Hazel)

1973 : Lasse Johansson (the Cardigans)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Has the Leaning Tower of Pisa EVER been straight?

Soon after building started in 1173, the foundation of the Pisa tower settled unevenly. Construction was stopped, and was continued only a 100 year later. It then became visibly clear that the Tower of Pisa is leaning, tilting to the south. Since regular measuring of the tower began in 1911, the top of the tower has moved 1,2 millimeters (0,05 inch) per year. Today the top of the Tower of Pisa is some 5,3m (17,4 ft) off-centre. After the bell tower of the Cathedral of Pavia collapsed in 1989, the Consorzio Progetto Torre di Pisa (Tower of Pisa Project Consortium) commissioned engineers to stabilize the Leaning Tower. Because the Tower tilted in different directions in its first years, it is slightly curved, like a banana. Engineers are working on the footing of the Tower rather than the structure, hoping to ease the top back about 20 cm (about 8 inches). But it means that the 800-year old tower will remain leaning.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos has invested $42 million into building a giant clock in Texas that should run for 10,000 years.  ***I had no idea Jeff Bezos had entered politics, did you?  I mean, only a politician is this efficient at wasting money.

In Florida (Marion County) a 35-year-old guy unleashed a barrage of hot dog related attacks after the clerk at a convenience store wouldn’t sell him beer. ***And with what we know about the makings of hot dogs – he’ll probably be charged with assault using chemical weapons!

Wild weather in Denver this week, where the temperature dropped 72 degrees in just 40 hours.  ***Coloradans are now stocking up on ton-tons so they can have one at all times in case they need to climb inside for warmth.

George Clooney Is making political noises. Like, someday, he might run for something.  ***Although he already promised to run… to the border if Trump got elected.  And he still hasn’t kept that campaign promise.

Authorities say the guy found skunks in the crawl space of his suburban Detroit home. He thought he’d try a smoke bomb to get them to leave. He ended up burning down his house. Ferndale Fire Chief Kevin Sullivan says the house was a complete loss and the blaze quickly spread from the crawlspace to the first floor. The fire eventually spread through the walls and attic of the rental property. Sullivan says the department advises that people hire pest control professionals, but if someone is “an absolute die-hard do-it-yourselfer,” he should at least read warning labels. The kicker: No skunk carcasses were found.

Fallen evangelist Jim Bakker is back, preaching that the apocalypse is near.  ***Notice how he waited until Billy Graham was taken home to the pearly gates before coming out with this nonsense – something Billy would’ve called him on the carpet for.

Now “Black Panther” is being criticized because, while it features lots of African Americans — there are no gays in the film.  ***For crying out loud – must the social justice warriors ruin absolutely everything that is supposed to be fun?  Rather than immediately looking to be offended – being ultra-critical to find something to complain about – how about we all just sit back and enjoy the movie for its intended purpose – to entertain! Are we just not capable of that anymore?

In Great Britain, all of their KFC’s have run out of chicken. That would be like, here in the states, all of the McDonald’s running out of meat-like substance.

“Walking Dead” actress Lauren Cohan has joined the cast of a new TV show on ABC.  ***So guess which character I’m voting will be the next main course for a zombie all-you-can-eat buffet!

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Staying off Facebook could make you happier. The study out of Denmark used 1,095 participants — with half being asked to dump Facebook for a week. The results showed that those who left Facebook reported significantly higher ‘life satisfaction’.  ***Which I have a hard time believing.  I mean, how can you possibly be happy without the ability to comment with vile, hateful political opinions about gun rights, religion, gender, or liberal college snowflakes in other people’s comments sections?

30% of women in a recent survey say they won’t marry a man who has a bad credit score. ***Meanwhile, 70% of men won’t continue to date a woman who does a credit check before the first date.

Nearly half of all American workers gripe about being burned out even though they didn’t use up all their vacation days. According to a survey by Yahoo Hot Jobs, 45% didn’t take all their time off, while 39% say they were too exhausted to go on a “real” vacation. Another 36% claim to be too busy to take time off, 34% say the high cost of going somewhere keeps them going to the office, while 32% want to save vacation days for real emergencies.  ***I know exactly how frustrating that can be, working too hard and not taking time off… so here’s my plan for you.  Work hard, and give ME your vacation time.  I’m willing to make the sacrifice for you.

While few people enjoy a trip to the dentist, it’s particularly bad for redheads, scientists have discovered. Carrot tops are twice as likely as blondes or brunettes to avoid the dentist because of fear related anxiety, says a report in the Journal of the American Dental Association. Researchers believe it’s because the gene melanocortin-1 receptor, which causes red hair, may be present in redheads’ brains, making them more susceptible to pain.  ***So lay off – it’s not my fault I’m a wussy-man.

An extensive study finds that American parents have stopped spanking their kids as much as they once did. ***Yeah, all the kids got smart and lawyered up.

A recent study finds that blotting pizza with a napkin to remove excess grease can remove around 40 calories per slice.  ***Plus you then have a pizza-flavored napkin which is a great source of fiber.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Louis the lion and all of the jungle animals went out looking for a new king, because Louis didn’t want to be king anymore. After searching long and hard, they finally came across a big throne… and a big crown… and a big lion too! Could he be the new king they’re looking for?

CLOSE: So now, after all of this time looking for a new king, do we have to start all over again? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
Alcohol and lawn equipment don’t mix.

In St. Cloud, Minnesota, a 24-year-old man was arrested for DWI — for riding on his lawn mower while drunk! Police found him passed out on the mower and said his blood alcohol concentration level was nearly three times the legal limit– .23!! Neighbors watched as the idiot plowed through yards, climbed over curbs and even did some donuts in a front yard around 11 p.m. Police Sergeant Jerry Edblad said, “I think people find it humorous, but in all reality it is serious that he was operating this thing that late at night. And you hear all the time about people injured on lawnmowers. The fact that he was operating this thing at a .23 BAC, yeah, we’re going to take it seriously.”

TOP TEN

TOP TEN LINES CHRISTIANS USE TO DUMP THEIR DATES

10. “I’m Sorry, but I just took a Nazarene vow and have to wash my hair every night for the rest of my life!”

9. “I’m sorry, but we differ too much over the charismatic issue . . . you don’t have any!”

8. “I’m sorry, but the Lord is leading me into the mission field as of today!”

7. “I’m sorry, but we can’t be together because I’m pre-trib and your post-trib and I’m not waiting a millennium for anyone!”

6. “I’m sorry, but we can’t date because the temptation would be too great!”

5. “Call me after the tribulation and we’ll see!”

4. ‘I’m sorry, but God’s Word does say that we’re supposed to mate after our own “kind!”

3. “I’m waiting for a sign from God before we go out again . . . when the moon turns to blood, give me a call!”

2. “I’m sorry, but in the potluck of love, you’re a tuna casserole.”

1. I’m non-denominational, religion is not a relationship.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

If you need to call someone to come and bail you out of jail, be sure to call someone that isn’t going to get arrested themselves on the way!

FILE #1: From Weymouth, Massachusetts comes the story of Rebecca Harvey who was arrested on drunken driving charges. So she called her friend Danielle Nix to come down and bail her out. Danielle was headed to the police station when she decided to stop at a drug store and pick up a few items. Three bags full of stuff… that she decided not to pay for but took anyway. The cops were called and they chased Danielle, with flashing lights on, all the way to her destination. The police station. She was arrested and joined her friend in jail.

FILE #2: In Austin, Texas, Paul Greer walked into a bank and demanded money from a teller. He got his cash and on his way out a magazine in the lobby caught his interest. Instead of stealing it, he sat down on one of the bank’s comfy sofas and began reading it. He continued to read while bank employees called the cops. He was still engrossed in the magazine when police arrived.

FILE #3: Oh, thank heaven. The manager of a 7-11 store in Japan became angry with a 70-year-old who came to the store every day only to read the magazines. Finally getting tired of him loitering without buying anything, the manager kicked the guy out. The man left, but returned a short time later with a chainsaw, which he cranked up and shouted, “I’ll cut you to pieces.” He then put the chainsaw down and resumed reading until police arrived and arrested him.

STRANGE LAW: In Kansas, it is illegal to serve ice cream on cherry pie.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

A Valentine’s Day visit to his sweetheart’s house has landed a northern New Mexico man in jail.

…State police said the man was arrested on St. Valentine’s night for allegedly driving while intoxicated. It was his eighth DWI offense. A state police sergeant noticed a vehicle with no headlights coming his direction on a state road near Cleveland. The vehicle turned out to be a four-wheeler, so the sergeant yelled at the driver to stop but he kept going. The sergeant followed the man to a nearby home and approached him. There was a strong odor of alcohol. The sergeant asked the man what he was doing. He said he was going to see his “sweetheart.” The man was booked into the San Miguel County jail after he failed field sobriety tests. Police found 14 cans of beer in one of the saddle bags on his four-wheeler.

PHONER PHUN

How does your spouse act like your parent rather than your helpmate? Do they cut up your steak for you? Do they pack a lunch for you each day and leave a note in the lunchbox? Do they lay out the clothes you’ll wear each day?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: The flood began on the 17th day of the 2nd month; on what day and month did God tell Noah and his family to leave the ark?

ANSWER: 27th day of 2nd (Genesis 8: 14 – 15)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What number is the only number that, if spelled out, has all of its letters in alphabetical order?

ANSWER: Forty. (A big thanks to my mom for sending this one to me – great one, Ma!)

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Alabama has an official Bible. (True. The official Alabama State Bible is used to swear in the governor. Purchased in 1853, it was also used in 1861 to swear in Jefferson Davis as President of the Confederacy.)

2. Airborne bacteria can survive at an altitude of 25 miles. (True)

3. In the 1950s Tokyo banned the miniskirt after it caused several traffic accidents. (False, but they did ban the hoola hoop for that very reason.)

4. An average elephant weighs less than the average blue whale’s tongue. (True)

5. Samuel Morse, creator of the telegraph, was also a painter. (True. He was one of America’s most successful portrait painters and founded the National Academy of Design.)

6. Of the 89 films made by Charlie Chaplin, 13 of them were made in his first year in front of the screen, 1914. (False – he made 35 films in that one year!)

7. T-shirts were originally developed for use in the U.S. Army. (False, U.S. Navy)

8. When baby Opossums are born, they are so small that an entire litter can fit in a tablespoon. (True. They live inside their mother’s pouch for three months before climbing out and riding on her back.)

9. Actress Judy Garland was 16 years old when she filmed “The Wizard of Oz” in 1939. (True)

10. Several years ago the Ford Motor Company had two doctors named Dr. Kar And Dr. Goodyear. (True – at the Oakville Ontario Windstar Plant)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

GOOGLE EARTH FINDS _________ (ATLANTIS)

Google Earth map has been updated and you can now see a gridlike pattern proving the underwater city of Atlantis had been found.

The exciting discovery was originally made in 2009 when eagle-eyed internet users spotted a large grid on the seafloor that looked strikingly like the fabled city. Google, at the time, explained, that the misrepresentation was caused by overlapping datasets, and Atlantis had not been found, but the map remained.

This week, mapping experts from around the world announced that the Google view of Earth’s subterranean landscape has proved conclusively the location of Atlantis.

“That’s Atlantis.  We’re a hundred percent positive,” said Dr. Wallace Toomer of Cambridge University in the U.K.

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), the US Navy, NGA and GEBCO also concurred.  Google has the “most accurate view of the seafloor”  ever made.  They are all “excited” to go the location and explore Atlantis.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump.

“I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy.

“Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy handed the first guy the money.

“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”

“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”

JOKE #2

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: “The parrot on the left costs 500 dollars.”

“Why, does the parrot cost so much?” asks the man. The owner says, “Well the parrot knows how to use a computer”.

The man then asks about the next parrot and is told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, “What can it do?”

To which the owner replies, “To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!”

JOKE #3

Bill was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”

“Really?” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Bill says, “Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?”

The clerk replies, “Canned or frozen?”

USELESS FACTS

A Chicago mail carrier was shot in the thigh for delivering the mail too late.  He will be okay according to doctors.  ***And I’m sure the person who shot him will be much happier knowing that shooting a man in the leg actually slows the mail down rather than speeding it up.

An Australian National University study found that people think more creatively when they’re lying down.  ***Which means that some of the best thinkers in America are guys after Thanksgiving dinner snoozing away in La-Z-Boys.

FEATURED FUNNIES

The key to success? Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail.

…People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want you to DO work for THEM.
That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during the lunch hour. That way, you’re regarded as hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you.
The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is “Ignore my last message. I took care of it.” If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, “Sorry, this mailbox is full” a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

BOVINE WATER BED

You think you’ve got it made with your own water bed? You’re not that special any more… because cows have their own water beds now!

It’s the ultimate in cow comfort… a bovine water bed. That’s right… it’s a water bed for cows. And they’re really popular – especially with the cows! The idea is based on the belief that comfortable cows produce more milk. Whether that’s true or not has yet to be seen… but the cows love the new comfortable beds. John Marshman has installed 75 water beds in his barn. “Cows are just like everybody else.” he says. “When they figure out something is more comfortable, that’s where they’ll go.” Apparently, when a cow gets up from a water bed, another cow immediately gets in and lies down. ***MARLAR: Whether it’s effective or not, the cows are milking it for all it’s worth.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

TODAY

TODAY I WILL NOT STRIKE BACK: If someone is rude, if someone is impatient, if someone is unkind….I will not respond in a like manner.

TODAY I WILL ASK GOD TO BLESS MY “ENEMY”: If I come across someone who treats me harshly or unfairly, I will quietly ask GOD to bless that individual. I understand the “enemy” could be a family member, neighbor,  co-worker or stranger.

TODAY I WILL BE CAREFUL ABOUT WHAT I SAY: I will carefully choose and guard my words being certain that I do not spread gossip.

TODAY I WILL GO THE EXTRA MILE: I will find ways to help share the burden of another person.

TODAY I WILL FORGIVE: I will forgive any hurts or injuries that come my way.

TODAY I WILL DO SOMETHING NICE FOR SOMEONE, BUT I WILL DO IT SECRETLY: I will reach out anonymously and bless the life of another.

TODAY I WILL TREAT OTHERS THE WAY I WISH TO BE TREATED: I will practice the golden rule- do unto others as I would have them do unto you-with  everyone I encounter.

TODAY I WILL RAISE THE SPIRITS OF SOMEONE WHO IS DISCOURAGED: My smile, my words, my expression of support, can make the difference to someone who is wrestling with life.

TODAY I WILL NURTURE MY BODY: I will eat less;  I will eat only healthy foods.  I will thank GOD for my body.

TODAY I WILL GROW SPIRITUALLY: I will spend a little more time in prayer today:  I will begin reading something spiritual or inspirational today; I will find a quiet place (at some point during this day) and listen to GOD’s voice.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

DOES YOUR ROOF LEAK?

Read: Psalm 66:8-16

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; . . . they shall not overflow you. –Isaiah 43:2

In a book written in 1696, I found these statements: “Sharp afflictions are to the soul as a soaking rain to the house. We know not there are such holes in the roof till the shower comes, and then we see it drop down here and there. Perhaps we did not know that there were such unmortified cuts in our soul till the storms of affliction came, then we found unbelief, impatience, and fear dropping down in many places.”

How true! Affliction tests us and proves what sort of Christians we are. If there are defects in our spiritual armor, they will show up under the strain and pressure of trouble.

When the floodgates of distress are opened, it is then we echo with understanding the words of the psalmist, who exclaimed, “Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck” (Ps. 69:1). Yet we need not fear, for it is our loving Father who allows the waters to come, not to drown us but to cleanse us and help us to see where our life needs repairing.

Have you been through a storm? Have you been disturbed, irritated, faithless, fearful, or rebellious? Consider that God may have put you through this difficulty to reveal your spiritual needs. By prayer, faith, and yielding to the Holy Spirit, repair the “leaky roof.”

LEFTOVERS

WHISPER TO ME

Do you like to whisper in your sweetheart’s ear? If so, make sure you do it in their LEFT ear!

It’s nice to hear nice things whispered to you, isn’t it? But if you’re planning on doing the whispering, be sure you whisper into your sweetheart’s LEFT ear. Why? Well, according to a man at Sam Houston State University, emotional words get through better to people when spoken through the left ear, not the right. And if you think about it, it makes sense. Your left brain controls the right side of your body – and vice versa. Your right brain is the side that processes your emotions, and since that side controls the left ear, that’s the ear you should whisper sweet nothings into… it’ll be more meaningful to the recipient! Scientists have also found a left-ear advantage for stimuli including musical chords and melodies. ***MARLAR: So please take a moment and crank your stereo’s balance control all the way to the left.  That way I’ll be much more pleasing to you in the future.

LIFE… LIVE IT

PLEASANT DREAMS

What you smell before you go to sleep at night could affect your dreams.

…Specifically, sniffing something that smells good, such as fresh flowers or a fragrance you especially like, could make for pleasant dreams, according to a study from the Central Institute of Mental Health in Mannheim, Germany. In the study, those who were exposed to the scent of roses reported having more pleasant dreams than those who were exposed to the scent of rotten eggs or no scent at all. ***MARLAR: And you gotta feel reeeeal sorry for those people who at Mexican food before going to bed.

JUST FOR FUN

MOURNING CONSTITUTION

Planning on spending some time in Denver? Be careful… the Constitution has been banned there!

(From 2003) Rick Stanley was a candidate for U.S. Senate in Colorado in 2003, and one of his political stands was that (gasp) the Constitution of the United States actually means what it says (double gasp). To prove his point, he decided to conduct a little experiment. In late 2002 Mr. Stanley took a stroll down a Denver street with his .380 Beretta proudly strapped to his hip in full and plain view. While the U.S. Constitution gives him the right to bear arms, a Denver ordinance says it’s a no-no… so his little experiment landed him in a little jail cell… and the court battle began! The trial began on May 15th before municipal court Judge Robert L. Patterson. Mr. Stanley’s attorney, Paul Grant, asked a potential juror, “If the judge were to instruct you that the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution guarantees the defendant a right to keep and bear arms, do you think you could follow his instructions?” At that point the judge in the case went ballistic, telling Stanley’s lawyer that he was “not to reference the Constitution in these proceedings. You will not address it in… your opening remarks, you will not ask any questions about the Constitution when you summon your witnesses, and you will not talk about the Constitution when you give your closing arguments.” So apparently, in the matters of law, Denver, Colorado has banned the U.S. Constitution. Interesting.

FUN LIST

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
Nicknames

  • If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

  • If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

Eating Out

  • When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

  • When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money

  • A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

  • A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

Bathrooms

  • A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Wal-Mart.

  • The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

Arguments

  • A woman has the last word in any argument.

  • Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats

  • Women love cats.

  • Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

Future

  • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

  • A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success

  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

  • A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage

  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

  • A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

Dressing Up

  • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

  • A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural

  • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

  • Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring

  • Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

  • A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Not only is debt bad for your wallet – it could be bad for your health!

The Cleveland Clinic reports one of the biggest risk to your overall health could be your credit card balance and other debts you’re carrying. People who are in debt are much more likely to suffer from stomach ulcers, depression and even heart attacks, than those who live within their means. Find out where your money is going by keeping a record of every penny you spend for a month or two. Then look for ways to cut your expenditures.  If you’re spending too much, don’t keep it to yourself.  Confide in your spouse or a close friend, and enlist that person’s help in getting your finances under control.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Telecommuting one day a week (working from home) has been shown not only to be a huge boost to employee morale, but also to lower work-related stress. Employees who telecommute are said to be more productive and tend to get higher job performance ratings than those who work solely in the office. However, the #1 problem with working from home is the effect it has on the people who are left behind in the office, according to a study by researchers from Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute. Those who are not able to telecommute, while others in the office are allowed to, are more likely to be dissatisfied with their job.

When you say, “Good boy!” or “Go get my hairbrush!” to your dog, he really does understand you. Hungarian researchers have proven scientifically what every dog owner already knows: pups understand what we say to them. To be clear, it’s not as if dogs have a full vocabulary, but they are able to comprehend some of what their humans say. A study found that just like humans do, the dogs used both sides of their brain to understand speech. They processed words with the left hemisphere and used the right hemisphere to process intonation. That’s important. Dogs registered praise based not only on what was said, but also how it was said. And it goes even further. When meaningless words were said in an encouraging, positive voice or meaningful words were spoken in a neutral voice, the dogs didn’t have the same understanding. What does this mean? The mental ability to process language evolved earlier than has been previously thought. What sets humans apart from dogs — and other species — is the invention of words and our ability to speak them. Does this mean other species can understand human speech? Probably. The catch is that other species aren’t interested in human speech and have not been socialized with humans, making it difficult to test.

So how old is old? It’s not 50. It’s not 60. It’s 70. Or maybe even 80. That’s the word from an Associated Press-LifeGoesStrong.com poll of baby boomers, who are not only not particularly concerned about dying, but also insist they aren’t even old. Yet. According to the poll, 75 percent of baby boomers who are between the ages of 57 and 65 consider themselves to be middle-aged or younger. While young adults say 60 is the beginning of old age, baby boomers are pushing that number back. The median age they cite is 70, but 25 percent of boomers say old age doesn’t start until 80 candles are on the birthday cake. So what do they think about growing old?

  • Overall, they are upbeat about the future.

  • They are more likely to be excited about the positive aspects of aging, such as retirement, rather than being worried about the negatives, such as declining health.

  • One-third of boomers say they feel confident about growing older, which is almost twice as many who say they find it frustrating or sad.

  • Sixteen percent are actually happy to age, which is about equal to the number who admit they are afraid to grow old.

  • Most baby boomers expect to live longer than their parents with a better quality of life in old age.

When it comes to aging, what worries the boomers?

  • 45 percent are deeply worried about physical ailments that will take away their independence.

  • 44 percent are worried about losing their memory.

  • 43 percent worry about being unable to pay medical bills.

  • 41 percent are worried about losing financial self-sufficiency.

  • 18 percent worry about dying.

Will the good news about chocolate ever end? A Spanish study reports that cocoa may help ward off colon cancer. After being fed a cocoa rich diet for eight weeks, rats with cancerous colon lesions had fewer colon tumors than similar rats on a cocoa free diet. Cocoa’s antioxidant polyphenois may shut off the communication among cancerous cells that allows them to grow, the study authors say. Future research may prove a similar effect in humans.

We dearly love our furry friends, but too often we show them our love with food — too much of it. And they’re turning into porky pets. “Just as obesity has become a serious problem in people, it’s also a growing problem in pets, one that can seriously harm your pet’s health,” says Carmela Stamper, a veterinarian in the Center for Veterinary Medicine at the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA). According to a recent survey by the Association for Pet Obesity Prevention, an estimated 58 percent of cats and 54 percent of dogs in the United States are overweight. “The diseases we see in our overweight pets are strikingly similar to those seen in overweight people,” Stamper says, naming as examples diabetes mellitus (also known as type 2 diabetes, in which the body does not use insulin properly), osteoarthritis, high blood pressure, heart and respiratory disease and kidney disease. “We want our pets to live happy lives, but we also want them to live long ones,” Stamper says. Obesity in your pet can significantly shorten the animal’s life span. How can you tell if your pet is TOO fat? In pets, 20 percent over ideal body weight is considered obese. Here are some basic signs to help you determine whether or not your pet is at a healthy weight:

  • Look at your animal from above. Does your pet have a definite waist? If not, and the animal’s back is broad and flat like a footstool, he is likely overweight.

  • Run your hands along your pet’s side. Can you easily feel the ribs or do you have to push hard to feel them?

  • Does your animal have a “tucked” abdomen or a sagging stomach? If you can easily grab a handful of fat, that’s a sign your pet is overweight.

  • The real expert on the ideal weight for your animal is your vet, who marks changes over time in a way that you — who sees your animal every day — may not.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

The son of a Japanese IT billionaire reportedly wanted a big family and set out to make it happen via surrogate mothers. Now, 28-year-old Mitsutoki Shigeta is about to gain custody of all 16 kids he is known to have fathered. Shigeta grabbed headlines in 2014 when his Bangkok apartment was raided, turning up a “baby factory” – nine babies, a pregnant surrogate, and 24-hour nannies – over fears of a human trafficking operation. The truth, argued his lawyer, was just that Shigeta wanted plenty of kids and had the means to do so. He reportedly earns at least $3 million a year from his stock holdings. He sued for custody and a Thai court agreed with that premise, after hearing from Thai officials who traveled abroad to verify he had sufficient resources to raise the 13 children. Shigeta secured custody of the three other kids in 2015, and media reports say it’s possible he has fathered even more children in other locations. The Thai surrogate mothers gave up any rights to the children. The children, most around age 4, will not immediately enter his custody but will be transferred gradually out of foster care. (BBC)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Build a man a fire, and he’s warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’s warm for the rest of his life.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush — but makes it hard to eat chips and operate the TV remote.

The problem with class reunions is that everybody knows how old you are.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Atheism: a non-prophet organization.

He who looks down on his neighbors is usually living on a bluff.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


FEBRUARY 23, 2018…

Annihilation has Natalie Portman in a science fiction film about discovering new life forms.

Every Day is a drama/romance about falling in love with someone who changes bodies every day. Stars Maria Bello.

Game Night with Jason Bateman and a group who meet weekly for games.

War With Grandpa is now opening with Robert De Niro trying to live peacefully with his grandson. It is a comedy.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.