February 26, 2016: Friday ONAIRprep

***RADIO ISN’T DEAD – From RadioIsntDead.com

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160226

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

If I sound a little weird it’s because I mistakenly took two Alka-Seltzers … in club soda. And I have sounds in my body that I have never heard before!

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

[Spoken by Jesus] “…whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.”  — Matthew 16:25

 

We love because [God] first loved us. — 1 John 4:19

 

Sing to the LORD a new song, for he has done marvelous things; his right hand and his holy arm have worked salvation for him. — Psalm 98:1

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you. — Proverbs 2:11

 

Thought: My greatest mistakes have been made in haste, when I didn’t allow a little prayer time to consider what I was going to do or say. While discretion and understanding are acquired through learning and experience, they are also a gift from God. But this gift doesn’t come on demand. It comes from patiently seeking, trusting, and waiting on the Lord’s guidance and from longing to live for him as a person of character.

 

Prayer: Forgive me Father, for I fear that I am more often a “character” than I am a person of character. Forgive my selfish desire to play to the crowd. I confess that I sometimes try to be witty and popular, rather than being a person of discretion, understanding, and integrity. Help me please, dear LORD, to see through the temptation of haste and find your path to integrity. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Acts 2:26 NIV = Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest in hope…

 

 

TODAY IS FRIDAY – FEBRUARY 26, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 302 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is NATIONAL PISTACHIO DAY. *** Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.

 

Today is SPAY DAY USA. *** Today’s the day to get something fixed – and we’re not talking about the garbage disposal.

 

Today is NATIONAL BACON DAY.  ***As if you need an excuse!

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

National Personal Chef Day

For Pete’s Sake Day

Levi Strauss Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 27

Anosomia Awareness Day

International Polar Bear Day

International Sword Swallowers Day

Open That Bottle Night

U.S. Snow Shoe Days

 

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 28

Floral Design Day

National Tooth Fairy Day

Rare Disease Day

 

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 29

Bachelor’s Day

International Underlings Day

Leap Year Day

Rare Disease Day

 

TUESDAY, MARCH 01

Asiatic Fleet Memorial Day

Dadgum That’s Good Day

Peace Corps Day

Endometriosis Day (Wear Yellow Day)

National Horse Protection Day

National Peanut Lovers Day

Pig Day

Plan a Solo Vacation Day

Refired, Not Retired Day

Saint David’s Day

World Compliment Day

Zero Discrimination Day

 

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 02

Dr. Seuss Day

NEA’s Read Across America Day

 

THURSDAY, MARCH 03

I Want To Be Happy Day

International Ear Care Day

World Book Day

World Wildlife Day

National Anthem Day

Princess Day

What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs? Day

 

FRIDAY, MARCH 04

Benjamin Harrison Day

Courageous Follower Day

Dress in Blue Day

Employee Appreciation Day

National Day of Unplugging

World Day of Prayer

Shabbat Across America/Canada

Holy Experiment Day

International Scrapbooking Industry Day

March Forth / Do Something Day

National Grammar Day

Old Inauguration Day

Toy Soldier Day

 

SATURDAY, MARCH 05

National Day of Unplugging

National Frozen Food Day

Sock Monkey Day

National Absinthe Day

National Maple Syrup Days

Saint Piran’s Day

Iditarod Begins (5-20)

 

SUNDAY, MARCH 06

National Maple Syrup Days

Sofia Kovalevskaya Math Day

Day of the Dude

Daughters and Sons Day

Namesake Day

Oreo Cookie Day

Girl Scout Sunday

Mothering Sunday

 

MONDAY, MARCH 07

Casimir Pulaski Day

Cereal Day

Fun Facts About Names Day

National Be Heard Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1846: American Baptist music evangelist George Stebbins was born. He wrote, “I’ve Found A Friend,” “Take Time to Be Holy,” “Have Thine Own Way, Lord,” and “Jesus Is Tenderly Calling Thee Home.”

 

1907: Congress voted itself a pay raise, bringing salaries for both senators and representatives to $7,500 a year.

 

1919: Congress established Grand Canyon National Park in Arizona.

 

1936: At a Nebraska Civilian Conservation Corps camp the Harlem Globetrotters beat the Hebron Hoboes 30-20. The ticket price was 10¢.

 

1951: The 22nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was ratified, limiting a president to two terms of office.

 

1958: 16-year-old Cassius Clay lost an amateur boxing match in Louisville to Kent Green. It was the only bout he ever lost while fighting under the name Cassius Clay.

 

1970: The Beatles album “Beatles Again” was released in the U.S., containing the song “Hey Jude.”

 

1983: Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” hit #1 in the U.S. The album spent a total of 37 weeks at number one.

 

1990: 53-year-old Cornell Gunter was shot to death in his car at a Las Vegas intersection. He was the lead singer in the 1950s group, The Coasters. Police found no clues.

 

1991: The U.S. issued a patent (#4,995,374) to William Black of Margate, Florida, for his Automatic Throw and Fetch Doggie Toy. The device will throw a ball, which a dog can fetch, return, drop into the funnel on top, and the machine will throw it again. And again and again.

 

1996: A 38-year-old Muncie, Indiana, woman tried to remove a callus from her foot by shooting it off with .410-gauge shotgun. She told police later at the hospital she had been drinking heavily and it seemed like a good idea. It wasn’t.

 

1997: It took three people to wrestle a pet python named Squeezer into a sack after it broke out of its aquarium and went on a rampage in the owner’s home in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Animal control officials said 2-year-old pythons can become very aggressive.

 

1998: An Amarillo, Texas, jury rejected an $11 million lawsuit by Texas cattlemen who blamed Oprah Winfrey’s talk show for a price fall after a segment on mad-cow disease.

 

2002: German police pulled over a suspected drunk driver only to find he had a snake in his pants. The 21-year-old man was spotted zig-zagging along a road in Goettingen. He was on his way to the vet when his 5-foot pet adder escaped from its cage and crawled up his pants leg. Police helped the man free the harmless snake from his pants and released both without charge.

 

2005: Bank of America acknowledged it lost computer tapes containing account information on 1.2 million federal employee credit cards, including those of some U.S. senators.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

398: John Chrysostom, the greatest preacher of the early church, becomes bishop of Constantinople. So well-regarded was his preaching that he earned the name Chrysostom: “golden-mouth.” He was exiled in 403 for his outspoken criticism of his congregation, including Empress Eudoxia. After the church recalled him, he again offended Eudoxia, who exiled him again. He died three years later.

 

1816: The rules and constitution of the New York Sunday School Union Society were perfected this day. The Rev. Dr. John Mason presents a powerful and eloquent appeal upon the purpose of the society.

 

1819: John Philip, Scottish missionary lands in Cape Town to begin a renowned work in South Africa, chiefly as a champion for African peoples. His work earned him the nickname “Wilberforce of Africa.”

 

1857: American Congregational clergyman Charles Sheldon, author of more than 50 books and editor of the Christian Herald, is born in Wellsville, New York. His most famous work, In His Steps (1896), sold more than 23 million copies and spawned the recent “What Would Jesus Do?” phenomenon.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

actress (“Movie Stars”, My Engagement Party, Erasable You) Jennifer Grant 49

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1928 : Fats Domino (Antoine Dominique Domino)

1932 : Johnny Cash (J.R. Cash)

1943 : Paul Cotton (Poco)

1945 : Mitch Ryder

1945 : Bob “Bear” Hite (Canned Heat)

1947 : Sandie Shaw

1950 : Jonathan Cain (Journey)

1953 : Michael Bolton

1961 : John Jon (The Bronski Beat)

1971 : Erykah Badu

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Does it pay to pretend to be someone else… or something else?

Two species of butterflies have evolved a clever way to survive. Birds avoid the monarch butterfly because they know it has a bitter taste. The viceroy butterfly takes advantage of the monarch’s reputation and mimics its appearance (pretending to be a Monarch), fooling the birds.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Jamie Grace is calling out public schoolers. The home school grad tweeted: I’m with some public schoolers who say y’all never learn about Fahrenheit or Celsius. For real?! This former homeschooler is blown away.

 

How far would you travel to attend a free concert with Chris Tomlin, Lecrae, Mercyme, and Switchfoot. All four will be joining Greg Laurie on March 6 for the Harvest America simulcast at AT&T Stadium, the home of the Dallas Cowboys. Can’t make the trip? The free event will be simulcast across the nation as well.  https://cards.twitter.com/cards/8tksnj/1giho

 

Chris Tomlin: Like a true Texan, he learned how to play guitar by listening and playing along with Willie Nelson and Merle Haggard records. He has yet to record a country or bluegrass album, but maybe if he hangs out with Crowder long enough…

 

Dan Bremnes has had quite an experience in Colombia this week. Dan is in Bogota for several events, including playing for over 18,000 people at a G12 event in that country.   http://twitter.com/danbremnes/status/701831019306098688/photo/1

 

Casting Crowns want to hear from you. They want you to tell your story of how God held you. And they even have an example to share. Check out the story of their good friends Jay and Abby and then record a video telling your own story. Check out the video then post your own video using the hash tag #JustBeHeld.  https://www.instagram.com/p/BCIOtc4nvbz/

 

A suggestion from Jamie Grace: I still think there needs to be American Idol: All-Stars. Bring back Top 24 contestants who aren’t in music to compete for one last season.

 

How would you choose to spend your album release weekend? Meredith Andrews recently released a new project called Deeper and her release weekend took place in Hickory, NC. She attended the event with all of her children and also her parents in tow so, of course, she had to bring them all on stage! Meredith posted: This was the sweetest moment…singing Lord I Need You with my boys, Jacob playing keys, my mom holding Frankie, and my precious dad praying over us. Meredith added: In the fullness and craziness of this weekend, this is what I will remember and hold onto forever.   https://www.instagram.com/p/BCEhhEeJuoF/

 

Jason Gray says a sign posted at the entrance to one of this weeks venues was a humbling reminder. The sign said: It is a privilege to be on this platform. Thank you God for choosing me.   https://www.instagram.com/p/BCG1HJ5k-bC/

 

An interesting insight from Kutless guitarist James Mead: My dog’s favorite commercials are those new Subaru commercials that have the dogs driving the cars. Gets her attention every time.

 

Jamie Grace needs to make a life change. She tweeted: I have to stop waiting for my phone to get to 1% to realize it needs to be charged…

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

The first Bernie Sanders action figure is in development and you can back it on Kickstarter.  ***Which is totally against what Bernie stands for, because he wants everything to be free.

 

An Australian man who plans to eat nothing but potatoes for an entire year said this week that despite his strange diet he was not only feeling better, but surprisingly enjoying his meals. 35-year-old Andrew Taylor made a deliberate decision to eat only the starchy staple for 12 months, to break what he termed his “food addiction.” So far in 2016 he’s lost over 30 pounds.  ***So a french fries and potato chip diet?  Where do I sign up?!?

 

There are lots of things Jeb Bush will be remembered for now that he’s dropped out of the 2016 race: the gratuitous exclamation point in his campaign logo; the hoodie he wore to prove he’s cool with the tech kids; the way his shoulders slumped when, crestfallen, and he begged a New Hampshire crowd to “please clap” after they failed to respond to a planned applause line. ***But perhaps the most important legacy Jeb! will leave behind is the fact that his campaign taught us all an important lesson about television ads in modern day politics—namely, the fact that they don’t really work.

 

Beyoncé, continuing to slay the music scene one surprise drop at a time, might be releasing not one, but two albums this year. Rumor is one of them might be released as early as April. HitsDailyDouble reports that Queen Bey is gearing up to close “a new worldwide, multi-album deal with Sony Music, and the final release under the current deal is now set for April.” They also note that there are other rumors of another album, a collaboration album with her rapper hubby Jay Z.  ***Let’s just hope she doesn’t need any police protection at her album release parties.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Psychiatrists say this miserably cold, snowy winter is bringing on a “tremendous amount of Seasonal Affective Disorder” depression.  ***Hardest hit: Global warming enthusiasts.

 

A growing number of college students are refusing to be identified by either gender.  ***MARLAR: Seeing the way kids dress nowadays, I can understand their confusion.

 

Today’s kids can’t keep up with their parents. An analysis of studies on millions of children around the world finds they don’t run as fast or as far as their parents did when they were young.  On average, it takes children 90 seconds longer to run a mile than their counterparts did 30 years ago.  ***MARLAR: Which, of course, does not bode well for us at the zombie apocalypse.

 

If you are a current or former musician, your brain might be in luck.  A study published in the Journal of Neuroscience shows playing an instrument at a young age might make you healthier later in life.  “What we see in an older adult who has made music is a biologically younger brain,” said Dr. Nina Kraus, professor of neurobiology at Northwestern University. “The fact that your cognitive sensory reward system is so engaged in the process of playing music seems to strengthen those circuits that are worked for music…and those functions that are important for language.”  ***MARLAR: Although, you have to wonder about the quality of that language from listening to today’s youth-culture music.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Low Walmart Prices”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Paul Aldrich, “TV Themes”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: When last we left the jungle, Rita the Skunk, was in jail for sabotaging a badminton racquet.  Gruffy was jailed for giving her that racquet.  Then Racquet the Skunk was arrested for making the defective racquet, and Sully and Nozzles were arrested just for knowing the jailbirds.  Racquet has apologized to everyone, but they are all still in jail… and working on a plan to break out!

 

CLOSE:  Tune in again next time as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF FEBRUARY 27/28

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, Louis the lion and all of the jungle animals went out looking for a new king, because Louis didn’t want to be king anymore.  After searching long and hard, they finally came across a big throne… and a big crown… and a big lion too!  Could he be the new king they’re looking for?

 

CLOSE: So now, after all of this time looking for a new king, do we have to start all over again?  We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

How far would you be willing to go to get out of a speeding ticket? 

Doug Stead should take a refresher math class. The Canadian has fought a $117 speeding ticket for several years spending thousands of dollars every months in legal fees. Stead was caught speeding in 1996 by photo radar. He doesn’t deny that he was speeding but he thinks the photo radar is unfair and wants the law allowing it struck down. Stead likes his lawyer, though. “He was one of the few lawyers I actually got to talk to that didn’t laugh at me for saying, ‘I am going to take this all the way.’ ” ***MARLAR: Of course his lawyer is supportive!  He’s been paid thousands of dollars a months since 1996 by an inDUHvidual who doesn’t realize he can just pay $177 for a speeding ticket and be done with it!

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN “NOTES TO SELF”

 

  1. Signs that say “RADIOACTIVITY” apparently do not mean there’s some sort of concert ticket giveaway inside.

 

  1. When your wife asks “Does this dress make me look fat?” Keep your mouth shut!

 

  1. Grenadine and grenades are two completely different things.

 

  1. Do not send your husband to the store without a list.

 

  1. It’s still fun and games when someone else loses an eye.

 

  1. Wish yourself Happy Birthday 2moro!

 

  1. Remember to pay more attention to the road when you are driv — GOSH! that was close.

 

  1. A vacuum cleaner does not make a suitable anniversary gift.

 

  1. Do not hit reply to all when sending a coworker an email making fun of the boss’s bald head.

 

  1. “Note to self: please run all future notes by me first. We need to cut down on the inefficiency around here”

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A man is arrested for stealing a laptop – just so he could check his Facebook account!

 

FILE #1: Sheriff’s officers in Bradenton, Florida said a 19-year-old man snatched a Starbucks customers laptop after being told he could not use it to check his Facebook account. According to officers, the man then grabbed the customer’s laptop and ran out of the coffee shop, located in an outlet mall. Two people in the parking lot tackled the man and held him there until a mall security guard arrived. The victim got his laptop back and the man was charged Saturday with robbery by sudden snatching, a felony.

 

FILE #2: It almost makes a guy want to turn to a life of crime. Prisoners at a maximum security jail in Mexico recently pooled their resources and took out an ad in a major newspaper, complaining of their inhumane treatment. It seems that prison authorities recently took away a number of privileges including take out pizzas, flat screen TVs and mobile phones. They appealed to the Mexican president to restore their old benefits and complained of the “inhumane way” they were being treated.

 

FILE #3: What do you do when you attempt to rob a person with no cash on them? If you’re Jeremy Estrada, you apparently do not use common sense. The 19-year-old from Albuquerque, New Mexico, found that his victim had no cash, so he demanded that she write him a check for $200!  He then proceeded to give her his real name and even spelling it for her as she wrote the check.

 

STRANGE LAW: It is illegal in Vermont to deny the existence of God.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

If the flight crew on your plane tells you that you’ve had too much to drink, the last thing you want to do is argue with them.

Russel Krebs, a 6’3″ 200 pound passenger was on his way to Cincinnati from Northern Kentucky International airport on a Comair flight when the crew decided that he’d had enough to drink. At that point the real trouble started. An off-duty pilot and one of the flight attendants were unable to get him in plastic cuffs until the plane landed. The guy threw a few punches and was very proud. Krebs is currently locked away, and the FBI is investigating whether to press federal chargers. In that case, a few drinks and a couple of punches could mean he’ll be locked away for a pretty long time.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Are you giving anything up for Lent?  If so, what is it?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who is the first daughter mentioned by name in the Bible?

ANSWER: Naamah (daughter of Lamech)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: 97% of Americans say they do what better than other people?

ANSWER: Drive (Not surprising, is it?  Of course, I’m a better driver than others – but c’mon, the rest of you are maniacs behind the wheel!)

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. The world’s longest hot dog was just over 500 feet long. (False – it was almost four times that long! It was a 1,996-foot wiener made by the Sara Lee Corp. for the 1996 Olympics.)

 

  1. Octopus and squid are thought to be the most intelligent of all invertebrates. (True)

 

  1. There is such a thing as poisonous birds. (True – the only poisonous birds in the world are the three species of Pitohui. The Hooded Pitohui from Papua New Guinea is the most deadliest out of the three.)

 

  1. In one minute, the heart of a giraffe can pump 60 gallons of blood. (False – it’s 160 gallons!)

 

  1. Leo Hirshfield introduced the “Tootsie Roll” candy in 1796. (False – it was a hundred years later, in 1896. The idea of the name came from Hirshfield’s daughter nickname Tootsie.)

 

  1. The youngest U.S. president was John F. Kennedy. (False, it was Theodore Roosevelt, who became president at the age of 42.)

 

  1. Manicures have been done by people for more than 4,000 years. (True)

 

  1. In 1938, Dr. Pepper was the first soft drink to be canned. (False, it was Cliquot Club ginger ale.)

 

  1. Cranberries is the only major fruit native to North America. (False, there are three major fruits native to North America: cranberries, blueberries and Concord grapes.)

 

  1. Eggplant is a member of the thistle family. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

INBREEDING TURNS APPALACHIANS ________ (BLUE)

Inbreeding in eastern Kentucky has been turning offspring blue since the early 1880s.

Dating back to the early 1800s, an isolated family in eastern Kentucky – who can trace their roots back to a French orphan – started producing children who were blue.

As a result of a coincidental meeting of recessive genes, intermarriage and inbreeding, members of the Fugate family were born with a rare condition that made them visibly discolored.

The mystery behind the astonishing picture of the Fugates, which has been baffling people for years, appears to have finally been solved.

It began when Martin Fugate, a French orphan, settled on the banks of eastern Kentucky’s Troublesome Creek to claim a land grant in the early 19th century.

He married a red-haired American named Elizabeth Smith – who had a very pale complexion – and their union formed a genetic mutation that resulted in their descendants being born with blue skin.

Called methaemoglobinaemia (commonly known as met-H), the condition reduces the individual’s ability to carry oxygen in their blood. As a result, their blood is darker than the color typically found running through people’s veins.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

An irritated father complained to his golf buddy. “When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own color TV, telephone, computer, every computer game and CD player in his room!”

“So how do you handle it?” his friend asked.

“I send him to MY room!”

 

JOKE #2

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, “I’d move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course.”

“Try heaven,” said the caddy. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”

 

JOKE #3

Fisherman: “Hey, pal! You’ve been standing there watching me fish for three hours!  Why don’t you get a rod and reel and do some fishing yourself?”

Onlooker: “No, thanks. I don’t have the patience for it.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Older men who have big biceps and a smaller waist circumference will likely live a lot longer than their more portly friends. British researchers have concluded that the size of a man’s belly and the bulk of his biceps provide a far more accurate forecast of his mortality than body mass index (BMI) alone.  ***MARLAR: Looking at my gut, my challenge now is apparently to find a way to make my biceps three feet wide.

 

According to Allure, 25% of employees have taken a day off from work to cope with stress.  ***MARLAR: That news is so stressful, I think I need to take tomorrow off.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

CLEANING SERVICE

The featured guest on the local radio talk show was a woman who owned a home-cleaning service. After she described what her clients could expect, the program’s telephone lines were opened to the audience. The first caller struck to the heart of every woman who had ever contemplated employing such a service.

Her question: “How much cleaning do I have to do before your people come?”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

NEED FOR SPEED

What’s the most you’ve ever been fined for speeding? $50? $75? Jaakko Rytsola of Finland was fined $71,400 for speeding!

… Rytsola said that police pulled him over when he was doing about 40 mph in a 25 mph zone late one night. So why the big fine for just 15 mph over the limit? Traffic fines in Finland are linked to an offender’s income. The higher the income, the higher the fine, and there’s no limit. Rytsola just so happens to be an Internet mogul millionaire. This isn’t the first time he’s received a big fine either. In August, police stopped Rytsola in his Ferrari in downtown Helsinki and fined him $44,100 for zigzagging dangerously, but not speeding. ***MARLAR: I like that sliding scale idea for offenders.  My paycheck is so bad, if I were pulled over for speeding the cops would have to pay me.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

IT’S ONLY A QUARTER

Several years ago a preacher moved to Houston, Texas. Some weeks after he arrived, he had occasion to ride the bus from his home to the downtown area. When he sat down, he discovered that the driver had accidentally given him a quarter too much change. As he considered what to do, he thought to himself, you better give the quarter back. It would be wrong to keep it. Then he thought, “Oh, forget it, it’s only a quarter. Who would worry about this little amount? Anyway the bus company already gets too much fare; they will never miss it. Accept it as a gift from God and keep quiet.”

When his stop came, he paused momentarily at the door, then he handed the quarter to the driver and said, “Here, you gave me too much change.”

The driver with a smile, replied, “Aren’t you the new preacher in town? I have been thinking lately about going to worship somewhere. I just wanted to see what you would do if I gave you too much change.”

When my friend stepped off the bus, he literally grabbed the nearest light pole, and held on, and said, “O God, I almost sold your Son for a quarter.”

Our lives are the only Bible some people will ever read.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Ever had a glitch? No, not an itch. A glitch. Here’s a couple of examples. You type your whole English paper into the computer, then it crashes and eats all your work. You run out the door late for work and your car has a flat tire. Your plan for the perfect date collapses when you spill coffee on yourself. A glitch is something that throws a monkey wrench into your well-ordered world. Activities must be delayed, plans remade, tempers can flair. Think about the last glitch you encountered. Annoying, wasn’t it? Everybody has glitches. Even businesses and churches have them. Phone systems collapse, computers break down, the power goes out, somebody goofs up.

There is one Person, though, who’s never had a glitch and that’s God. Everything He plans happens without a hitch. Everything He has planned for His followers has come about without a glitch. The apostle Paul encountered more than a few glitches during his missionary journeys. He was jailed in Jerusalem, stoned at Lystra, had a disagreement with Barnabas over John Mark (Acts 15:37), and was kept by God from preaching in Asia and Bithynia (Acts 16:7). In each of these cases recorded in the book of Acts, God had other, better plans for Paul.

God does the same thing in your life. He’s got plans for you, and He will accomplish them. What you see as troubles or setbacks are all part of what God has in store for you. Take a new look at some of the things you consider glitches. Perhaps the college you wanted to attend turned you down. Instead, you ended up at a smaller Christian school where you are really growing spiritually. Your car breaking down on the way to a job interview gave you the opportunity to witness to the person who came to your rescue. That girl or guy you thought was so special turned out to be a total loser who would only have dragged you into trouble.

The plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations. –Psalm 33:11

 

 

LEFTOVERS

TIN MAN

It’s now illegal to wear aluminum pants in Colorado!

Laws like this really make you wonder “why”… don’t they? Here’s the scoop… Senator Stephanie Takis (she’s the one who sponsored the bill), said “We have laws against using crowbars as theft devices, but if you were lining your underwear with aluminum foil as a shoplifting device, that was not a crime.” So this means that people have been using aluminum pants to sneak things past security scanners at the stores doors. Not only is it illegal to wear aluminum pants now, but store security officers are now allowed to detain people who “crackle when they walk.” ***MARLAR: I don’t know about aluminum, but more than once the boss has told me to get the lead out of my pants.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

KIDDIE SECTION ON PLANES

An airfarewatchdog.com poll reveals the frustration that most passengers feel when seated next to an active child or crying baby while flying. When asked: “Should airlines have a section of the plane reserved for parents with babies and smaller children?” 58% of respondents answered “Yes, they should have done this long ago,” while 27% answered “Yes, but they never will and it’ll never work.” Only 15% answered, “No, this is a bad idea.”

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

THAT’LL COST YA

To volunteer usually means you’re working for free, right? Not if you want to volunteer at the US Women’s Open! To volunteer there you actually have to fork out some of your own money just for the privilege of volunteering!

Try explaining this one. You are actually charged a fee to be a volunteer at the US Women’s Open. Did you catch that? You PAY to be a VOLUNTEER! Officials say they’ve had more than 2,100 people sign up to work during the golf championship. Adult volunteers have to pay a fee of $95 for the privilege of doing chores like emptying the trash and cleaning golf balls. Kids pay $25. Are you getting this? If you’re the one emptying the garbage, YOU have to pay THEM for the privilege to do it! You end up losing money in order to work for free! Organizers say the volunteer fees go toward uniforms, meals and construction of a temporary building where the volunteers will take their breaks.  ***MARLAR: Yikes.  I hope our boss doesn’t get any ideas from this.

 

 

FUN LIST

FINISH THIS SENTENCE, BILLY…

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

  • As you shall make your bed so shall you… mess it up.
  • Better be safe than… punch a 5th grader.
  • Strike while the … bug is close.
  • It’s always darkest before… daylight savings time.
  • You can lead a horse to water but… how?
  • Don’t bite the hand that… looks dirty.
  • A miss is as good as a… mister.
  • You can’t teach an old dog new… math.
  • If you lie down with the dogs, you’ll… stink in the morning.
  • The pen is mightier than the… pigs.
  • An idle mind is… the best way to relax.
  • Where there’s smoke, there’s… pollution.
  • Happy the bride who… gets all the presents.
  • A penny saved is… not much.
  • Two’s company, three’s… the musketeers.
  • Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and… you have to blow your nose.
  • Children should be seen and not… spanked or grounded.
  • When the blind leadeth the blind… get out of the way.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Hey Guys — Wash Your Hands Already!


A new study that appears in the American Journal of Public Health says while hand washing is the cheapest way to prevent many illnesses, most guys just don’t do it! Ewww! The study also suggests that people are more likely to wash their hands if they are shamed into it. The researchers analyzed the behavior of about 250,000 people and found that only 32% of men washed their hands with soap. Women were far better, with almost 64% using soap when washing their hands. The study noted that a million people die every year from diarrheal disease and respiratory infections that could be prevented just by using soap and water.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

So are you up for a No Complaining Challenge? The web site iMom is challenging readers to not complain for seven full days. They say to think about who you complain about most and then see if you can you go 7 days without complaining? Give it a try and let us know how it goes.  http://ow.ly/JzJmk

 

Ever heard of Nagaland?? It’s so dangerous that Myanmar’s government doesn’t allow anybody to visit the area. Yet, there are many Christians in Nagaland. Hundreds of hungry pastors and church planters braved epic floods just to get there, coming from Tibet, Bhutan, Burma, and Bangladesh. Global Advance recently hosted a Frontline Shepherd’s Conference in Nagaland. They were told by one pastor: “We have the opportunity to plant 500 new churches among unreached villages!” “We just need the training and support.”  http://ift.tt/1Tvr3At

 

Last spring, Joni and Friends launched a ground-breaking new Wheels for the World initiative called Hope Overflowing 100,000 by 2020. The initiative goal is to send 100,000 wheelchairs by the year 2020 through Wheels for the World. Now the ministry is a year into the initiative and they are asking for continued support. According to Joni and Friends, with every wheelchair, a Bible is given and the Gospel message is shared.  http://ow.ly/YuB1L

 

 

MOTIVATION

So much of what we worry about is caused by calculating without God.

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

This just in. Medical researchers discovered early today what an unborn baby does when it’s hungry. It calls womb service.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

FEBRUARY 26, 2016…

 

Eddie The Eagle—This is a true story about a ski jumper named Eddie Edwards, who worked his way to the top (couldn’t resist that) to become a ski jumper for Great Britain in the 1988 Calgary Winter Olympics. Taron Egerton plays Edwards while Hugh Jackman is his coach, and Christopher Walken is there, too.  “Eddie The Eagle” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for sports fans.

 

Gods of Egypt—Yes, they do fight and don’t get along, especially Set and Hours and doesn’t that sound like Greek or Roman mythology?  Anyway,  Set wants to turn the world into darkness while Horis doesn’t like that.  A girl is taken captive and a young man wants to rescue her. The cast includes Gerard Butler, Abbey Lee, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Rufus Sewell and Geoffrey Rush.

 

Triple 9—This is the code for “Officer Down.” In this action thriller, a police officer is shot as a distraction for a huge robbery.  Police are blackmailed (by a Russian woman) into helping with the robbery and then things go wrong.  The cast includes Casey Affleck, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Anthony Mackie, Kate Winslet and Teresa Palmer.

 

The Witch—Back in Old Salem, there was always trouble in the woods and here it is again, when a family moves into the wilderness to live. The cast includes Anya Taylor-Jay, Ralph Ineson and Kate Dickie. “The Witch” is rated R. No rating.

 

Crouching Tiger: Sword of Destiny (opening in select cities)—Finally, here comes the sequel for this film that was a visual feast of color and activity.  It’s opening date has been changed and changed again. The plot is a carefully kept secret, but concerns lost love, special sword and redemption. The cast includes Michelle Yeoh, Donny Wen,  and Jason Scott Lee. “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: Sword of Destiny” is rated R. Rating of PG 13 for fans.

 

MARCH 04, 2016…

 

Desierto stars Gael Garcia Bernal and Jeffrey Dean Morgan in a thriller about people trying to cross the Mexican border.

 

London Has Fallen with Gerard Butler discovering an assassination plot.

 

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot has Margot Robbie and Tina Fey as past journalists in Afghanistan. It’s a comedy.

 

Zootopia is an animated film about different animal species living together in a sophisticated society.  Voices of Idris Elba and Jason Bateman.

 

Knight of Cups is a fantasy romance starring Christian Bale.

 

The Wave (subtitled) is a Norwegian thriller about what would happen if a tsunami hit that country. Seriously, if one of the fjord walls collapsed.

 

# # # # #

 

 

WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.