ONAIRprep is a paid subscription service from MarlarHouse.com. Visit ONAIRprep.com for information.
Looking for the customized tag for “Daily Dose of Weird News” for your show or station? Email me directly at email@example.com to get started – it’s free with your ONAIRprep subscription!
PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
If I sound a little weird it’s because I mistakenly took two Alka-Seltzers … in club soda. And I have sounds in my body that I have never heard before!
PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)
(None on the weekends or holidays.)
“The cost of freedom is always high, but Americans have always paid it. And one path we shall never choose, and that is the path of surrender, or submission.” – John F. Kennedy
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
[Spoken by Jesus] “…whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.” — Matthew 16:25
We love because [God] first loved us. — 1 John 4:19
Sing to the LORD a new song, for he has done marvelous things; his right hand and his holy arm have worked salvation for him. — Psalm 98:1
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you. — Proverbs 2:11
Thought: My greatest mistakes have been made in haste, when I didn’t allow a little prayer time to consider what I was going to do or say. While discretion and understanding are acquired through learning and experience, they are also a gift from God. But this gift doesn’t come on demand. It comes from patiently seeking, trusting, and waiting on the Lord’s guidance and from longing to live for him as a person of character.
Prayer: Forgive me Father, for I fear that I am more often a “character” than I am a person of character. Forgive my selfish desire to play to the crowd. I confess that I sometimes try to be witty and popular, rather than being a person of discretion, understanding, and integrity. Help me please, dear LORD, to see through the temptation of haste and find your path to integrity. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
Acts 2:26 NIV = Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest in hope…
TODAY IS MONDAY – FEBRUARY 26, 2018
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 301 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.
Today is NATIONAL PISTACHIO DAY. ***Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.
Today is SPAY DAY USA. ***Today’s the day to get something fixed – and we’re not talking about the garbage disposal.
Today is NATIONAL BACON DAY. ***As if you need an excuse!
TODAY IS ALSO…
National Personal Chef’s Day
For Pete’s Sake Day
Levi Strauss Day
Museum Advocacy Day
National Cupcake Day
World Pistachio Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 27
Anosomia Awareness Day
IHOP International Pancake Day
International Polar Bear Day
Travel Africa Day
Spay Day USA
World NGO Day
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 28
Pink Shirt Day
Floral Design Day
Inconvenience Yourself Day
National Tooth Fairy Day
Rare Disease Day
THURSDAY, MARCH 01
Asiatic Fleet Memorial Day
Baby Sleep Day
Dadgum That’s Good Day
National Black Women in Jazz & The Arts Day
Endometriosis Day or Wear Yellow Day
National Horse Protection Day
National Peanut Lovers Day
Peace Corps Day
Plan a Solo Vacation Day
Refired, Not Retired Day
Saint David’s Day
Self-injury Awareness Day
World Book Day
World Compliment Day
Zero Discrimination Day
FRIDAY, MARCH 02
Dress in Blue Day
Dr. Seuss Day
Employee Appreciation Day
National Salesperson Day
National Speech and Debate Education Day
NEA’s Read Across America Day
World Day of Prayer
National Day of Action
SATURDAY, MARCH 03
I Want You To Be Happy Day
International Ear Care Day
National Frozen Food Day
National Mulled Wine Day
National Anthem Day
Simplify Your Life Day
Sock Monkey Day
Soup It Forward Day
What If Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs? Day
World Birth Defects Day
World Wildlife Day
SUNDAY, MARCH 04
Academy Awards (Oscars)
*Benjamin Harrison Day
Courageous Follower Day
Daughters’ and Sons’ Day
Finisher’s Medal Day
Holy Experiment Day
Hug A G.I. Day
International Scrapbooking Industry Day
March Forth-Do Something Day
Marching Music Day
National Grammar Day
Old Inauguration Day
Toy Soldier Day
MONDAY, MARCH 05
Casimir Pulaski Day
Fun Facts About Names Day
National Absinthe Day
National Poutine Day
Saint Piran’s Day
World Tennis Day
ON THIS DAY
1846: American Baptist music evangelist George Stebbins was born. He wrote, “I’ve Found A Friend,” “Take Time to Be Holy,” “Have Thine Own Way, Lord,” and “Jesus Is Tenderly Calling Thee Home.”
1907: Congress voted itself a pay raise, bringing salaries for both senators and representatives to $7,500 a year.
1919: Congress established Grand Canyon National Park in Arizona.
1936: At a Nebraska Civilian Conservation Corps camp the Harlem Globetrotters beat the Hebron Hoboes 30-20. The ticket price was 10¢.
1951: The 22nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was ratified, limiting a president to two terms of office.
1958: 16-year-old Cassius Clay lost an amateur boxing match in Louisville to Kent Green. It was the only bout he ever lost while fighting under the name Cassius Clay.
1970: The Beatles album “Beatles Again” was released in the U.S., containing the song “Hey Jude.”
1983: Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” hit #1 in the U.S. The album spent a total of 37 weeks at number one.
1990: 53-year-old Cornell Gunter was shot to death in his car at a Las Vegas intersection. He was the lead singer in the 1950s group, The Coasters. Police found no clues.
1991: The U.S. issued a patent (#4,995,374) to William Black of Margate, Florida, for his Automatic Throw and Fetch Doggie Toy. The device will throw a ball, which a dog can fetch, return, drop into the funnel on top, and the machine will throw it again. And again and again.
1996: A 38-year-old Muncie, Indiana, woman tried to remove a callus from her foot by shooting it off with .410-gauge shotgun. She told police later at the hospital she had been drinking heavily and it seemed like a good idea. It wasn’t.
1997: It took three people to wrestle a pet python named Squeezer into a sack after it broke out of its aquarium and went on a rampage in the owner’s home in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Animal control officials said 2-year-old pythons can become very aggressive.
1998: An Amarillo, Texas, jury rejected an $11 million lawsuit by Texas cattlemen who blamed Oprah Winfrey’s talk show for a price fall after a segment on mad-cow disease.
2002: German police pulled over a suspected drunk driver only to find he had a snake in his pants. The 21-year-old man was spotted zig-zagging along a road in Goettingen. He was on his way to the vet when his 5-foot pet adder escaped from its cage and crawled up his pants leg. Police helped the man free the harmless snake from his pants and released both without charge.
2005: Bank of America acknowledged it lost computer tapes containing account information on 1.2 million federal employee credit cards, including those of some U.S. senators.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
398: John Chrysostom, the greatest preacher of the early church, becomes bishop of Constantinople. So well-regarded was his preaching that he earned the name Chrysostom: “golden-mouth.” He was exiled in 403 for his outspoken criticism of his congregation, including Empress Eudoxia. After the church recalled him, he again offended Eudoxia, who exiled him again. He died three years later.
1816: The rules and constitution of the New York Sunday School Union Society were perfected this day. The Rev. Dr. John Mason presents a powerful and eloquent appeal upon the purpose of the society.
1819: John Philip, Scottish missionary lands in Cape Town to begin a renowned work in South Africa, chiefly as a champion for African peoples. His work earned him the nickname “Wilberforce of Africa.”
1857: American Congregational clergyman Charles Sheldon, author of more than 50 books and editor of the Christian Herald, is born in Wellsville, New York. His most famous work, In His Steps (1896), sold more than 23 million copies and spawned the recent “What Would Jesus Do?” phenomenon.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
actress (“Movie Stars”, My Engagement Party, Erasable You) Jennifer Grant 51
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1928 : Fats Domino (Antoine Dominique Domino)
1932 : Johnny Cash (J.R. Cash)
1943 : Paul Cotton (Poco)
1945 : Mitch Ryder
1945 : Bob “Bear” Hite (Canned Heat)
1947 : Sandie Shaw
1950 : Jonathan Cain (Journey)
1953 : Michael Bolton
1961 : John Jon (The Bronski Beat)
1971 : Erykah Badu
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
Does it pay to pretend to be someone else… or something else?
Two species of butterflies have evolved a clever way to survive. Birds avoid the monarch butterfly because they know it has a bitter taste. The viceroy butterfly takes advantage of the monarch’s reputation and mimics its appearance (pretending to be a Monarch), fooling the birds.
(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Paramedics in the UK took a man to the hospital after he called 911 for a stroke. When they arrived he leapt up and thanked paramedics for the lift — he only wanted a ride to the hospital to visit a friend. ***He’s going to NEED a hospital though once he gets the bill from the ambulance company, and the fine for abusing 911.
Snapchat’s stock dropped almost 8% Thursday after a tweet from Kylie Jenner, who said she doesn’t open the app anymore. ***Really? I’d think less Kylie Jenner for anything would be a positive thing.
Uber has rolled out an Express Pool service that rivals taking the bus. ***But then, doesn’t EVERYTHING rival taking the bus?
Toys R Us is said to be getting close to shutting down more stores. ***Toys R Us… the 2018 version of Radio Shack!
At the Brit Awards on Wednesdays, performers carried white flowers to show their support for the Time’s Up movement. ***Because, as we all know, sexual predators are repelled by white flowers like vampires are to garlic. No? Okay then, you explain why they did it.
Krispy Kreme has introduced its latest limited-edition doughnut: the Hershey’s Gold Doughnut. ***I don’t do any food advertised as “limited edition”. Why get addicted to something new and tasty with the foreknowledge that it’s going to be taken away from me shortly thereafter? That’s psychological torment – and there should be a law against it. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, McRIB?!?!
A Tennessee inmate has escaped for the sixth time. ***Perhaps it’s time to stop giving him car-washing and key-polishing duties.
A new survey says that 1 in every 3 Americans has more credit card debt than savings. ***Because APPEARING to have a lot of money is much more important than actually having that money. That’s the American way!
Venezuelans lost an average of 24-pounds last year because of their food shortage. ***Vogue Magazine is now searching for their next supermodels in the country.
The much Oscar nominated movie “The Shape of Water” is being accused of ripping off a 1969 play. The late author’s son claims there are 60 similarities between his father’s play and the movie. ***He might have a point. Both the play and film both use words like “a”… and “the”… and “and”… and “or”… and…
While driving across NY’s Tappan Zee Bridge, Chevy Chase was shoved to the ground during a road rage incident, after he followed a driver and confronted him. ***Fortunately, he wasn’t hurt due to all of the practice he had falling all those years on “Saturday Night Live”.
Amazon is going to open more cashier-less stores in Seattle and Los Angeles later this year. ***Can you still use the smiley face on your logo if you’re going to create grumpy faces on your customers by not offering customer service?
Congresswoman Claudia Tenney from upstate New York, claimed in a radio interview that most mass shooters are Democrats. ***So the ones wanting to ban guns are the ones using guns badly?
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Researches now say it’s healthier to walk along a busy road and breathe in exhaust fumes than it is to sit inside your air-conditioned car. Blame it on unfiltered air from exhaust fumes and chemicals from car seats, audio equipment and air fresheners. It’s bad news for those with a long commute as they say the bad interior air can cause cancer and respiratory diseases. They recommend opening your car’s windows, but only along country roads. ***I’ve been down country roads – and those smells can also make you sick.
New research shows that the reason people keep shoving money into slot machines is because slot machines are designed to make so much noise, in a sense begging for more money. ***Like teenagers!
There’s a new date for the end of the world. It’s now the year 2,000,002,018. A Scottish researcher (Jack O’Malley-James) says too little carbon dioxide will cause the death of animals and plants. In a billion years, he believes animals and plants will die-off. Then, another billion years after, with the loss of our oceans, Earth becomes even too desolate for even tiny microbes. ***Doggone it – so why did I agree to buy the extended warranty on my home’s solar panels?
A study by Bankrate.com finds that 76% of Americans do not have enough money set aside to survive a six-month emergency such as a job loss. ***Poor souls. I’m totally prepared for six months without a job – I have access to my neighbor’s wi-fi signal, a prepaid Netflix account, and a list of pizza delivery phone numbers.
Before you post your profile on Match.com, have someone check your grammar. According to the Wall Street Journal, many singles are picky about the grammar gaffes they’re seeing on dating sites. ***You don’t want to be in a situation where you have to explain why you like “Loves moonlicked walks on the breach.”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the jungle animals were looking for a new king – because Louis the lion didn’t want to be king anymore. It was too hard for such a little lion. But in their searching they found another, older and wiser lion. Maybe he’ll be the new king!
CLOSE: Well, it looks like even grown-up kings still have a hard time with those day-to-day decisions. So will Louis step up and take his kingship? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
How far would you be willing to go to get out of a speeding ticket?
Doug Stead should take a refresher math class. The Canadian has fought a $117 speeding ticket for several years spending thousands of dollars every months in legal fees. Stead was caught speeding in 1996 by photo radar. He doesn’t deny that he was speeding but he thinks the photo radar is unfair and wants the law allowing it struck down. Stead likes his lawyer, though. “He was one of the few lawyers I actually got to talk to that didn’t laugh at me for saying, ‘I am going to take this all the way.’ ” ***MARLAR: Of course his lawyer is supportive! He’s been paid thousands of dollars a months since 1996 by an inDUHvidual who doesn’t realize he can just pay $177 for a speeding ticket and be done with it!
TOP TEN “NOTES TO SELF”
10. Signs that say “RADIOACTIVITY” apparently do not mean there’s some sort of concert ticket giveaway inside.
9. When your wife asks “Does this dress make me look fat?” Keep your mouth shut!
8. Grenadine and grenades are two completely different things.
7. Do not send your husband to the store without a list.
6. It’s still fun and games when someone else loses an eye.
5. Wish yourself Happy Birthday 2moro!
4. Remember to pay more attention to the road when you are driv — GOSH! that was close.
3. A vacuum cleaner does not make a suitable anniversary gift.
2. Do not hit reply to all when sending a coworker an email making fun of the boss’s bald head.
1. “Note to self: please run all future notes by me first. We need to cut down on the inefficiency around here”
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A man is arrested for stealing a laptop – just so he could check his Facebook account!
FILE #1: Sheriff’s officers in Bradenton, Florida said a 19-year-old man snatched a Starbucks customers laptop after being told he could not use it to check his Facebook account. According to officers, the man then grabbed the customer’s laptop and ran out of the coffee shop, located in an outlet mall. Two people in the parking lot tackled the man and held him there until a mall security guard arrived. The victim got his laptop back and the man was charged Saturday with robbery by sudden snatching, a felony.
FILE #2: It almost makes a guy want to turn to a life of crime. Prisoners at a maximum security jail in Mexico recently pooled their resources and took out an ad in a major newspaper, complaining of their inhumane treatment. It seems that prison authorities recently took away a number of privileges including take out pizzas, flat screen TVs and mobile phones. They appealed to the Mexican president to restore their old benefits and complained of the “inhumane way” they were being treated.
FILE #3: What do you do when you attempt to rob a person with no cash on them? If you’re Jeremy Estrada, you apparently do not use common sense. The 19-year-old from Albuquerque, New Mexico, found that his victim had no cash, so he demanded that she write him a check for $200! He then proceeded to give her his real name and even spelling it for her as she wrote the check.
STRANGE LAW: It is illegal in Vermont to deny the existence of God.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
If the flight crew on your plane tells you that you’ve had too much to drink, the last thing you want to do is argue with them.
Russel Krebs, a 6’3″ 200 pound passenger was on his way to Cincinnati from Northern Kentucky International airport on a Comair flight when the crew decided that he’d had enough to drink. At that point the real trouble started. An off-duty pilot and one of the flight attendants were unable to get him in plastic cuffs until the plane landed. The guy threw a few punches and was very proud. Krebs is currently locked away, and the FBI is investigating whether to press federal chargers. In that case, a few drinks and a couple of punches could mean he’ll be locked away for a pretty long time.
Are you giving anything up for Lent? If so, what is it?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who is the first daughter mentioned by name in the Bible?
ANSWER: Naamah (daughter of Lamech)
QUESTION: 97% of Americans say they do what better than other people?
ANSWER: Drive (Not surprising, is it? Of course, I’m a better driver than others – but c’mon, the rest of you are maniacs behind the wheel!)
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. The world’s longest hot dog was just over 500 feet long. (False – it was almost four times that long! It was a 1,996-foot wiener made by the Sara Lee Corp. for the 1996 Olympics.)
2. Octopus and squid are thought to be the most intelligent of all invertebrates. (True)
3. There is such a thing as poisonous birds. (True – the only poisonous birds in the world are the three species of Pitohui. The Hooded Pitohui from Papua New Guinea is the most deadliest out of the three.)
4. In one minute, the heart of a giraffe can pump 60 gallons of blood. (False – it’s 160 gallons!)
5. Leo Hirshfield introduced the “Tootsie Roll” candy in 1796. (False – it was a hundred years later, in 1896. The idea of the name came from Hirshfield’s daughter nickname Tootsie.)
6. The youngest U.S. president was John F. Kennedy. (False, it was Theodore Roosevelt, who became president at the age of 42.)
7. Manicures have been done by people for more than 4,000 years. (True)
8. In 1938, Dr. Pepper was the first soft drink to be canned. (False, it was Cliquot Club ginger ale.)
9. Cranberries is the only major fruit native to North America. (False, there are three major fruits native to North America: cranberries, blueberries and Concord grapes.)
10. Eggplant is a member of the thistle family. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
INBREEDING TURNS APPALACHIANS ________ (BLUE)
Inbreeding in eastern Kentucky has been turning offspring blue since the early 1880s.
Dating back to the early 1800s, an isolated family in eastern Kentucky – who can trace their roots back to a French orphan – started producing children who were blue.
As a result of a coincidental meeting of recessive genes, intermarriage and inbreeding, members of the Fugate family were born with a rare condition that made them visibly discolored.
The mystery behind the astonishing picture of the Fugates, which has been baffling people for years, appears to have finally been solved.
It began when Martin Fugate, a French orphan, settled on the banks of eastern Kentucky’s Troublesome Creek to claim a land grant in the early 19th century.
He married a red-haired American named Elizabeth Smith – who had a very pale complexion – and their union formed a genetic mutation that resulted in their descendants being born with blue skin.
Called methaemoglobinaemia (commonly known as met-H), the condition reduces the individual’s ability to carry oxygen in their blood. As a result, their blood is darker than the color typically found running through people’s veins.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
An irritated father complained to his golf buddy. “When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own color TV, telephone, computer, every computer game and CD player in his room!”
“So how do you handle it?” his friend asked.
“I send him to MY room!”
Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, “I’d move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course.”
“Try heaven,” said the caddy. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”
Fisherman: “Hey, pal! You’ve been standing there watching me fish for three hours! Why don’t you get a rod and reel and do some fishing yourself?”
Onlooker: “No, thanks. I don’t have the patience for it.”
Older men who have big biceps and a smaller waist circumference will likely live a lot longer than their more portly friends. British researchers have concluded that the size of a man’s belly and the bulk of his biceps provide a far more accurate forecast of his mortality than body mass index (BMI) alone. ***Looking at my gut, my challenge now is apparently to find a way to make my biceps three feet wide.
According to Allure, 25% of employees have taken a day off from work to cope with stress. ***That news is so stressful, I think I need to take tomorrow off.
The featured guest on the local radio talk show was a woman who owned a home-cleaning service. After she described what her clients could expect, the program’s telephone lines were opened to the audience. The first caller struck to the heart of every woman who had ever contemplated employing such a service.
Her question: “How much cleaning do I have to do before your people come?”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
NEED FOR SPEED
What’s the most you’ve ever been fined for speeding? $50? $75? Jaakko Rytsola of Finland was fined $71,400 for speeding!
… Rytsola said that police pulled him over when he was doing about 40 mph in a 25 mph zone late one night. So why the big fine for just 15 mph over the limit? Traffic fines in Finland are linked to an offender’s income. The higher the income, the higher the fine, and there’s no limit. Rytsola just so happens to be an Internet mogul millionaire. This isn’t the first time he’s received a big fine either. In August, police stopped Rytsola in his Ferrari in downtown Helsinki and fined him $44,100 for zigzagging dangerously, but not speeding. ***MARLAR: I like that sliding scale idea for offenders. My paycheck is so bad, if I were pulled over for speeding the cops would have to pay me.
IT’S ONLY A QUARTER
Several years ago a preacher moved to Houston, Texas. Some weeks after he arrived, he had occasion to ride the bus from his home to the downtown area. When he sat down, he discovered that the driver had accidentally given him a quarter too much change. As he considered what to do, he thought to himself, you better give the quarter back. It would be wrong to keep it. Then he thought, “Oh, forget it, it’s only a quarter. Who would worry about this little amount? Anyway the bus company already gets too much fare; they will never miss it. Accept it as a gift from God and keep quiet.”
When his stop came, he paused momentarily at the door, then he handed the quarter to the driver and said, “Here, you gave me too much change.”
The driver with a smile, replied, “Aren’t you the new preacher in town? I have been thinking lately about going to worship somewhere. I just wanted to see what you would do if I gave you too much change.”
When my friend stepped off the bus, he literally grabbed the nearest light pole, and held on, and said, “O God, I almost sold your Son for a quarter.”
Our lives are the only Bible some people will ever read.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Ever had a glitch? No, not an itch. A glitch. Here’s a couple of examples. You type your whole English paper into the computer, then it crashes and eats all your work. You run out the door late for work and your car has a flat tire. Your plan for the perfect date collapses when you spill coffee on yourself. A glitch is something that throws a monkey wrench into your well-ordered world. Activities must be delayed, plans remade, tempers can flair. Think about the last glitch you encountered. Annoying, wasn’t it? Everybody has glitches. Even businesses and churches have them. Phone systems collapse, computers break down, the power goes out, somebody goofs up.
There is one Person, though, who’s never had a glitch and that’s God. Everything He plans happens without a hitch. Everything He has planned for His followers has come about without a glitch. The apostle Paul encountered more than a few glitches during his missionary journeys. He was jailed in Jerusalem, stoned at Lystra, had a disagreement with Barnabas over John Mark (Acts 15:37), and was kept by God from preaching in Asia and Bithynia (Acts 16:7). In each of these cases recorded in the book of Acts, God had other, better plans for Paul.
God does the same thing in your life. He’s got plans for you, and He will accomplish them. What you see as troubles or setbacks are all part of what God has in store for you. Take a new look at some of the things you consider glitches. Perhaps the college you wanted to attend turned you down. Instead, you ended up at a smaller Christian school where you are really growing spiritually. Your car breaking down on the way to a job interview gave you the opportunity to witness to the person who came to your rescue. That girl or guy you thought was so special turned out to be a total loser who would only have dragged you into trouble.
The plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations. –Psalm 33:11
It’s now illegal to wear aluminum pants in Colorado!
Laws like this really make you wonder “why”… don’t they? Here’s the scoop… Senator Stephanie Takis (she’s the one who sponsored the bill), said “We have laws against using crowbars as theft devices, but if you were lining your underwear with aluminum foil as a shoplifting device, that was not a crime.” So this means that people have been using aluminum pants to sneak things past security scanners at the stores doors. Not only is it illegal to wear aluminum pants now, but store security officers are now allowed to detain people who “crackle when they walk.” ***MARLAR: I don’t know about aluminum, but more than once the boss has told me to get the lead out of my pants.
LIFE… LIVE IT
KIDDIE SECTION ON PLANES
An airfarewatchdog.com poll reveals the frustration that most passengers feel when seated next to an active child or crying baby while flying. When asked: “Should airlines have a section of the plane reserved for parents with babies and smaller children?” 58% of respondents answered “Yes, they should have done this long ago,” while 27% answered “Yes, but they never will and it’ll never work.” Only 15% answered, “No, this is a bad idea.”
JUST FOR FUN
THAT’LL COST YA
To volunteer usually means you’re working for free, right? Not if you want to volunteer at the US Women’s Open! To volunteer there you actually have to fork out some of your own money just for the privilege of volunteering!
Try explaining this one. You are actually charged a fee to be a volunteer at the US Women’s Open. Did you catch that? You PAY to be a VOLUNTEER! Officials say they’ve had more than 2,100 people sign up to work during the golf championship. Adult volunteers have to pay a fee of $95 for the privilege of doing chores like emptying the trash and cleaning golf balls. Kids pay $25. Are you getting this? If you’re the one emptying the garbage, YOU have to pay THEM for the privilege to do it! You end up losing money in order to work for free! Organizers say the volunteer fees go toward uniforms, meals and construction of a temporary building where the volunteers will take their breaks. ***MARLAR: Yikes. I hope our boss doesn’t get any ideas from this.
FINISH THIS SENTENCE, BILLY…
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
As you shall make your bed so shall you… mess it up.
Better be safe than… punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the … bug is close.
It’s always darkest before… daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but… how?
Don’t bite the hand that… looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a… mister.
You can’t teach an old dog new… math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you’ll… stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the… pigs.
An idle mind is… the best way to relax.
Where there’s smoke, there’s… pollution.
Happy the bride who… gets all the presents.
A penny saved is… not much.
Two’s company, three’s… the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and… you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not… spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind… get out of the way.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Hey Guys — Wash Your Hands Already!
A new study that appears in the American Journal of Public Health says while hand washing is the cheapest way to prevent many illnesses, most guys just don’t do it! Ewww! The study also suggests that people are more likely to wash their hands if they are shamed into it. The researchers analyzed the behavior of about 250,000 people and found that only 32% of men washed their hands with soap. Women were far better, with almost 64% using soap when washing their hands. The study noted that a million people die every year from diarrheal disease and respiratory infections that could be prevented just by using soap and water.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Here’s a great reason to listen to the radio. An hour of TV shortens your life by 22 minutes. Yes, we bet you never thought your TV could kill you but a recent study concludes that for every hour you watch, your life span is shortened by 22 minutes. That means gluing your eyes to the tube is about as dangerous as smoking or obesity, say the study scientists. “But while smoking rates are declining, watching TV is not,” says Lennert Veerman, a researcher in the Australian study. Of course, the real danger from TV is that it creates chubby, junk food snacking couch potatoes, whose only exercise is walking to the kitchen for more high fat treats or the bathroom. And experts agree that a sedentary lifestyle is linked to heart disease, obesity, diabetes and other health woes. The good news is that while watching TV for an hour knocks off 22 minutes of life, experts also say working out for 15 minutes a day adds on a whopping three years.
All it takes is one co-worker to be rude, foul-mouthed and boorish to ruin not only your work day, but also your home life. The stress created by incivility in the office can be so intense that you take it home with you — impacting the well-being of your partner, who in turn takes the stress to his or her workplace, according to researchers from Baylor University in Waco, TX. It’s a vicious cycle. According to study author Merideth J. Ferguson, an assistant professor of management and entrepreneurship at Baylor, when someone arrives on the front step that distracted and upset, it’s more likely the partner will take on more of the family’s responsibilities, and those demands — if inflicted frequently enough — may interfere with the partner’s life and marital satisfaction.
It’s nice to crack open a cold beer after an intense gym session but that brew may undo all the hard, muscle building work you just did. In a new study in the Journal of Strength and Conditioning Research, ten male and nine female lifters did six sets of ten heavy squats. Afterward, some drank water and the rest drank enough vodka diluted with water to equal downing four to eight drinks depending on weight in ten minutes. Muscle biopsies showed that alcohol did interfere with the chemical pathways that stimulate muscle growth, and recovery, but get this only in men. Scientists suspect this may have something to do with the testosterone in our bodies, which not only spikes with intense exercise but also uses the same muscle pathways affected by alcohol. So, cool it with the hootch after the gym, and maximize muscle mass. (Men’s Fitness)
Reading has an unexpected benefit: It helps you to be a better person. But there is just one catch: To get this benefit, you have to read literary fiction. Popular fiction and nonfiction won’t do it. So, how does it work? Immersing yourself in the trials and tribulations of a fictional character helps you to infer someone else’s thoughts and feelings. The ability to do this is called “theory of mind,” a complex social skill of “mindreading” to understand the mental state of those around you. Those who read literary fiction performed significantly better on the theory of mind tests than did those who read either popular fiction or nonfiction.
If you donate blood, you’ll get healthier. A day after giving blood, donors had significantly lower levels of harmful oxidants and higher levels of helpful antioxidants flowing in their blood vessels. Scientists in the United States and Turkey say that when you donate, you lose small amounts of iron and hemoglobin, which may trigger the changes. (Men’s Health)
(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Sometimes the best therapy is the kind only friends can provide – especially four-legged friends. One Florida patient found that out when she got a surprise visit from her horse. According to a Florida Hospital spokesperson, Christine Carbonneau has been fighting through a long illness and is trying to wean off a ventilator. Her longtime partner Gary thought she seemed a little down, and suggested she might benefit from a visit with her horse, Ireland. That staff at the Connerton Long Term Acute Care Facility in Land O’Lakes helped set up the surprise and they were able to get the 68-year-old off her ventilator long enough to go and outside and be eye to eye with her beloved Ireland. Hospital spokesperson Richelle Hoenes-Ahearn said, “It was a touching moment and it is safe to say there was not a dry eye.” (FOX 13)
(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
In Florida, DeLand High School was put on lockdown over what turned out to be a cellphone case. Granted, it was a cellphone case that looked just like a gun. A 14-year-old student was initially suspected of carrying a handgun to school and taken into custody without incident. Police Chief Jason Umberger said, “Just boggles my mind when I think about these cell phone companies manufacturing look-a-like guns. It’s just shame on them, when you think about it. What is the purpose of making something like that?” (Click Orlando)
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
So much of what we worry about is caused by calculating without God.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
FEBRUARY 23, 2018…
Annihilation has Natalie Portman in a science fiction film about discovering new life forms.
Every Day is a drama/romance about falling in love with someone who changes bodies every day. Stars Maria Bello.
Game Night with Jason Bateman and a group who meet weekly for games.
War With Grandpa is now opening with Robert De Niro trying to live peacefully with his grandson. It is a comedy.
# # # # #
WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)
Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.