February 27, 2016: Saturday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160227

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I was almost late. I had to stop and get a quart of gasoline.  It was all I could afford.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“And He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed.” – 1 Peter 2:24

 

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. — Matthew 22:37-39

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Come, let us sing for joy to the LORD; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation. — Psalm 95:1

 

Thought: Having a loving God who is Eternal, a Rock of stability in a “topsy turvy” world, is really something to shout about. So much of what we get excited about in our world today is just a fleeting victory, a vicarious sporting thrill, or personality worship. But in God, we have something to truly sing about with joy. He has known us since our conception, he has loved us from before the foundation of the world, he has sent his Son to save us, and he will bring us home to himself! No quiet song will do today. Let’s sing with joy and shout out loud to the LORD!

 

Prayer: Hallelujah, LORD God, you have brought your salvation down to me! You have blessed me with your grace, comforted me with your love, and renewed me with your Spirit. My life overflows with the abundance of your many rich blessings. I praise you with my heart. I praise you with my thoughts. I praise you with my words. I praise you with my hands. I praise you with all that I am. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

1 John 2:27 NIV = As for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit—just as it has taught you, remain in him.

 

 

TODAY IS SATURDAY – FEBRUARY 27, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 301 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is RUN YOUR BELT THROUGH THE LOOPS BACKWARDS DAY.  *** Try it – it’s harder than it sounds!

 

FIFTEENTH AMENDMENT DAY.  The Fifteenth Amendment, which guaranteed citizens the right to vote, passed Congress on this day in 1869.  *** While we are guaranteed the right to vote, we are not guaranteed, however, a good candidate to vote FOR.

 

READ ME WEEK begins today, a time for school volunteers to wear readable clothing.  *** Unless you wear Christian t-shirts, because those are banned.  You can, however, wear your TOOL, Marilyn Manson, or Flying Spaghetti Monster shirt without any issues.

 

Speaking of reading, today is READ FIVE PAGES IN THE DICTIONARY DAY.  *** I’m reading five pages every day already.  Don’t tell me the end though… I want it to be a surprise.

 

This is NO MORE SIT DOWN STRIKES DAY.  The U.S. Supreme Court outlawed sit-down strikes on this day in 1939. *** It was an unpopular decision and most people wouldn’t stand for it.

 

Today is BUN DAY IN ICELAND.  *** Where everybody has COLD buns.

 

Today is INTERNATIONAL POLAR BEAR DAY.  *** This is for the actual bear – not the insane “Polar Bear Club” swimmers that like to dive into ice-covered lakes.  Interesting that it’s INTERNATIONAL Polar Bear Day – when they only live in places that aren’t actually nations, like the South Pole, zoos, and islands funded by the Dharma Initiative.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Anosomia Awareness Day

International Polar Bear Day

International Sword Swallowers Day

Open That Bottle Night

U.S. Snow Shoe Days

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 28

Floral Design Day

National Tooth Fairy Day

Rare Disease Day

 

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 29

Bachelor’s Day

International Underlings Day

Leap Year Day

Rare Disease Day

 

TUESDAY, MARCH 01

Asiatic Fleet Memorial Day

Dadgum That’s Good Day

Peace Corps Day

Endometriosis Day (Wear Yellow Day)

National Horse Protection Day

National Peanut Lovers Day

Pig Day

Plan a Solo Vacation Day

Refired, Not Retired Day

Saint David’s Day

World Compliment Day

Zero Discrimination Day

 

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 02

Dr. Seuss Day

NEA’s Read Across America Day

 

THURSDAY, MARCH 03

I Want To Be Happy Day

International Ear Care Day

World Book Day

World Wildlife Day

National Anthem Day

Princess Day

What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs? Day

 

FRIDAY, MARCH 04

Benjamin Harrison Day

Courageous Follower Day

Dress in Blue Day

Employee Appreciation Day

National Day of Unplugging

World Day of Prayer

Shabbat Across America/Canada

Holy Experiment Day

International Scrapbooking Industry Day

March Forth / Do Something Day

National Grammar Day

Old Inauguration Day

Toy Soldier Day

 

SATURDAY, MARCH 05

National Day of Unplugging

National Frozen Food Day

Sock Monkey Day

National Absinthe Day

National Maple Syrup Days

Saint Piran’s Day

Iditarod Begins (5-20)

 

SUNDAY, MARCH 06

National Maple Syrup Days

Sofia Kovalevskaya Math Day

Day of the Dude

Daughters and Sons Day

Namesake Day

Oreo Cookie Day

Girl Scout Sunday

Mothering Sunday

 

MONDAY, MARCH 07

Casimir Pulaski Day

Cereal Day

Fun Facts About Names Day

National Be Heard Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1879: The artificial sweetener Saccharin was discovered at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore.

 

1891: Robert Dyrenforth was hired by the U.S. Department of Agriculture as a special agent pluviculturist. That’s a rainmaker. He used noise: loud ammunition explosions to blast the skies. Reportedly, he made it rain once in Texas but, apparently, that’s the only time it worked.

 

1955: Billboard magazine reported that for the first time 45 rpm records were outselling the larger, heavier 78 rpm platters.

 

1963: Mickey Mantle agreed to play another year for the New York Yankees for $100,000, making him the highest-paid player in baseball history. In 1949 he played for $1,100.

 

1964: The city of Pisa asked the Italian government to straighten its 184-foot Leaning Tower. At last report, the Tower was still leaning.

 

1987: A team of 90 elementary school students in Kumamoto, Japan, skipped a rope together 160 times without missing, for a Guinness world record.

 

1992: Elizabeth Taylor celebrated her 60th birthday by leasing Disneyland for an elaborate private party.

 

1995: The movie “Forrest Gump” won six Academy Awards, including Best Picture and a Best Actor Oscar for Tom Hanks. (audio clip)

 

1996: Kurt Wait became the first man ever to win the Pillsbury Bake-Off with his Macadamia Fudge Torte. First prize awarded in Dallas: $1-million! One slice: 460 calories.

 

1996: Britain passed the Wild Mammals Act to give wild animals like hedgehogs, foxes and squirrels the same legal protection from cruelty as domestic animals.

 

1997: Legislation banning most handguns became effective in Britain.

 

1997: Divorce became legal in Ireland.

 

1997: Singer James Brown asked talk show hostess Rolanda White to marry him during the taping of one of her shows. She declined.

 

1997: God received an American Family Publisher’s Sweepstakes entry mailed to Florida’s Bushnell Assembly of God Church which began, “God, you may already be a winner.”

 

2003: Armed robbers escaped with $396,000 worth of candy and chewing gum in a raid on a Milan, Italy warehouse. The gang of six wore masks and carried handguns during the raid. Police said the gang drove away in three trucks loaded with sweets.

 

2003: Fred Rogers, the host of TV’s ”Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood” died at age 74. (audio clip)

 

2005: The United Nations took a first step aimed at curtailing worldwide smoking by announcing its tough tobacco control treaty was in effect.

 

2007:  A Fayetteville, North  Carolina, man charged with robbing a Wachovia branch bank for the second time since 2005, tried to show police the loot in his motel room, but discovered he had been robbed.  Police later charged a motel maintenance man with breaking into the room and taking the cash.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

280: Constantine, the first Roman emperor converted to Christianity, is born. Though some scholars question the authenticity of Constantine’s conversion (which came after he saw a vision on the battlefield), the emperor did seek to settle church controversies by calling the Council of Nicea in 325.

 

380: Roman emperor Theodosius makes Christianity the official law of the land. “It is our will,” he decreed, “that all the peoples we rule shall practice that religion that Peter the Apostle transmitted to the Romans”.

 

1773: Christ Church in Alexandria, Virginia, is completed after six years of construction at a cost of about $4,070. George Washington purchased a pew for himself and his family for $100.

 

1871: Lewis Sperry Chafer, founder and first president of Dallas Theological Seminary, is born. His eight-volume Systematic Theology (1947) is one of the most detailed analyses of dispensational pre-millennial Protestant theology.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Daughter of Bill and Hillary… Chelsea Clinton is 36
  • actor (“One Day at a Time,” “Head of the Class,” and Dr. Johnny Fever in “WKRP in Cincinnati) Howard Hesseman 76 (audio clip)
  • actress (Mr & Mrs Bridge, A Kiss Before Dying) Joanne Woodward 86

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1927 : Guy Mitchell

1954 : Neal Schon (Santana, Journey)

1959 : Johnny Van Zant (Lynyrd Skynyrd)

1959 : Jerry Lee Lewis‘ son, Steve Allen Lewis (named after the TV host)

1960 : Paul Humphreys (OMD)

1971 : Chilli (TLC)

1972 : Jeremy Dean (Nine Days)

1981 : Josh Groban

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How does a thermos bottle know when to keep hot things hot and cold things cold?

When I was a kid my mother warned about dropping the thermos bottle she packed in my lunch box. She feared broken glass, a nuclear chain reaction, who knows? One day I smashed open my thermos to find out – in the interest of science, of course. I lived to tell the tale: There is a double glass bottle inside the container. Glass conducts heat poorly, as does the cork that seals the thermos. These materials help to keep what’s inside at a constant temperature. There is a near vacuum between the inner and outer bottles because heat can be transferred through the movement of air molecules — convection. With little or no air, there is little or no change of temperature. Heat also radiates between surfaces, even in a vacuum. That’s why the bottles are given a silvery coat, to reflect, not absorb heat. Don’t believe me? Break open your own thermos bottle and see for yourself. Just know that if you blame me, I have no intention of taking the heat for it. So remain cool.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Jamie Grace is calling out public schoolers. The home school grad tweeted: I’m with some public schoolers who say y’all never learn about Fahrenheit or Celsius. For real?! This former homeschooler is blown away.

 

How far would you travel to attend a free concert with Chris Tomlin, Lecrae, Mercyme, and Switchfoot. All four will be joining Greg Laurie on March 6 for the Harvest America simulcast at AT&T Stadium, the home of the Dallas Cowboys. Can’t make the trip? The free event will be simulcast across the nation as well.  https://cards.twitter.com/cards/8tksnj/1giho

 

Chris Tomlin: Like a true Texan, he learned how to play guitar by listening and playing along with Willie Nelson and Merle Haggard records. He has yet to record a country or bluegrass album, but maybe if he hangs out with Crowder long enough…

 

Dan Bremnes has had quite an experience in Colombia this week. Dan is in Bogota for several events, including playing for over 18,000 people at a G12 event in that country.   http://twitter.com/danbremnes/status/701831019306098688/photo/1

 

Casting Crowns want to hear from you. They want you to tell your story of how God held you. And they even have an example to share. Check out the story of their good friends Jay and Abby and then record a video telling your own story. Check out the video then post your own video using the hash tag #JustBeHeld.  https://www.instagram.com/p/BCIOtc4nvbz/

 

A suggestion from Jamie Grace: I still think there needs to be American Idol: All-Stars. Bring back Top 24 contestants who aren’t in music to compete for one last season.

 

How would you choose to spend your album release weekend? Meredith Andrews recently released a new project called Deeper and her release weekend took place in Hickory, NC. She attended the event with all of her children and also her parents in tow so, of course, she had to bring them all on stage! Meredith posted: This was the sweetest moment…singing Lord I Need You with my boys, Jacob playing keys, my mom holding Frankie, and my precious dad praying over us. Meredith added: In the fullness and craziness of this weekend, this is what I will remember and hold onto forever.   https://www.instagram.com/p/BCEhhEeJuoF/

 

Jason Gray says a sign posted at the entrance to one of this weeks venues was a humbling reminder. The sign said: It is a privilege to be on this platform. Thank you God for choosing me.   https://www.instagram.com/p/BCG1HJ5k-bC/

 

An interesting insight from Kutless guitarist James Mead: My dog’s favorite commercials are those new Subaru commercials that have the dogs driving the cars. Gets her attention every time.

 

Jamie Grace needs to make a life change. She tweeted: I have to stop waiting for my phone to get to 1% to realize it needs to be charged…

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Horizontally Gifted”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Mike Williams, “Bumper Sticker”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational inspiration in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

 

CLOSE: Wow… that’s strange.  What are the odds that someone else would be writing the exact same song that Millard is just now composing?  And, is it just me, or does Millard’s new song sound really, uh… familiar?  Get more of the story next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF FEBRUARY 27/28

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, Louis the lion and all of the jungle animals went out looking for a new king, because Louis didn’t want to be king anymore.  After searching long and hard, they finally came across a big throne… and a big crown… and a big lion too!  Could he be the new king they’re looking for?

 

CLOSE: So now, after all of this time looking for a new king, do we have to start all over again?  We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

A school library in California is the setting for today’s Moment of Duh.  Shhhh.

A Los Angeles, California school district official, Jim Konantz, decided to do the right thing when he pulled a book off of the library shelves that described Jews as “illiterates who reject knowledge.” If he had stopped there, the entire country would have been impressed with him. But no, this is our Moment of Duh so you know he did something DUHmb.  In an attempt to look cerebral, he announced that the books may be back after he determines whether there is research to support that Jews are “illiterates who reject knowledge.” ***MARLAR: Sounds like rejecting knowledge is something he knows far too well.

 

 

TOP TEN

[NOTE: The punchline for this is to go through the Marine rules, then be sure and immediately add the Navy rules.]

 

TOP TEN MARINE CORPS RULES FOR GUN FIGHTING

 

  1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.

 

  1. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.

 

  1. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.

 

  1. If your shooting stance is good, you’re probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.

 

  1. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.

 

  1. Have a plan.

 

  1. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won’t work.

 

  1. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.

 

  1. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.

 

  1. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which     does not start with a “4.”

NAVY RULES FOR GUN FIGHTING

  1. Go to Sea.

 

  1. Send the Marines.

 

  1. Drink Coffee… watch the action on CNN

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Love blossoms during a bank robbery!

 

FILE #1: Behold the power of love! In Genoa, Italy, Bruno Perez carried out his carefully planned robbery of the local post office. Unfortunately one thing Bruno didn’t count on was 21-year-old clerk Lucia Marcelo. After forcing her to hand over the loot at gunpoint he couldn’t stop thinking of her. Using some of his ill-gotten gain, Bruno bought a large bouquet of flowers and went back to the post office the next day to apologize and ask her for a date. Lucia was happy to see Bruno again and enjoyed a lovely conversation with him that lasted from the time she triggered a silent alarm until the time police arrived to arrest him.

 

FILE #2: Note to self: Never throw slippers in India – unless you want to spend the rest of your life behind bars! In India, 19-year-old Rajkumar Sharma was appearing before Judge C. D. Gongale for robbing a rickshaw driver of $8.00 bucks. Frustrated at the charges, Rajkumar hurled his slipper at the judge who did manage to duck in time but then became outraged! So he sentenced the teenager to life in prison! Senior lawyer Mahesh Jethmalani said, “The punishment is excessive but the accused’s conduct is unpardonable.”

 

FILE #3: Police in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, recognized 18-year-old Felipe M. Medina as the man seen stealing a jacket on a Kohl’s department store surveillance tape and invited him down to the station for a little chat. Not only was Medina agreeable to the interview, he was nice enough to wear the stolen jacket to model for the officers. He faces up to nine months in jail if convicted, which seems pretty likely.

 

STRANGE LAW: Did you know that in Chicago you could get arrested (if you survive) for dining in a burning building?

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

It surprises me that drugs are still a problem in this country. I keep hearing story, after story, after story about drug users and dealers that are complete morons. I guess there must be an unlimited supply of idiocy when it comes to drug users.

Take this story for example. A few days ago a man knocked on the apartment door of Officer Tony Aaron and asked if anyone in the apartment would be interested in buying some Valium. No one had called the guy for a delivery, this was not a sting operation, this drug dealer just came out of nowhere and started knocking on doors like a vacuum cleaner salesman asking people if they wanted to buy drugs. What makes this story even more unbelievable is that Officer Aaron was in full police uniform when he answered the door and was asked to buy the drugs. He negotiated a price with the dealer and then, of course, arrested him.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Do a 10-second commercial for your favorite product.  Whatever that product or service is – even if you don’t own the product or service, even if you don’t own a business but you really like some food item or cleaning product or TV show or whatever.  You get ten seconds to pitch it to the world… but we’re cutting you off after ten seconds, so make it good!

 

In England, a woman had to be rescued by firefighters after getting her finger trapped in her fold-up bed. She had gotten caught in the mechanism as she went to fold up the bed. The woman did not require hospital treatment. Have you ever gotten a body part stuck somewhere?  Call and tell us your story!

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who could not sleep on the night after Haman built a gallows for hanging Mordecai?

ANSWER: King Ahasuerus (Esther 6:1)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?

ANSWER: Honey

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Tobacco used to be prescribed by doctors to cure bad breath. (True. From the 1500’s to the 1700’s, tobacco was prescribed by doctors to treat a variety of ailments including headaches, toothaches, arthritis and bad breath.)

 

  1. Ginger root works twice as well as Dramamine to fight motion sickness. (True – and it has no side effects.)

 

  1. Hydroponics is the technique by which plants are grown without water. (False – quite the opposite. Plants are grown in water without soil.)

 

  1. Pope Urban VIII threatened to excommunicate snuff users. (True – in 1924.)

 

  1. A patent was once issued to a man for a tree. (True. In 1932 James Markham obtained the 1st patent issued for a tree. The patent was for a peach tree.)

 

  1. Only about 3 million movie tickets are sold in India every year. (False, it’s almost 3 billion!)

 

  1. The tallest woman in the world is American Sandy Allen who is 10 feet, 3 inches tall. (False – 7 feet 7 inches.)

 

  1. England has the most post offices in the world. (False, India.)

 

  1. There is a medical doctor in Texas named Dr. Pain. (True – Atascocita, Texas)

 

  1. The country of Andorra has a zero percent unemployment rate. (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

TEST TUBE _________ (HAMBURGERS)

The world’s first test-tube burgers are ready to go to market!

They look, feel and taste, like a regular quarter-pounder – its creator Mark Post told the world’s premier science conference.  And, WWN has learned, they will be on the shelves of grocery stores in the U.S. by mid-March.

The ‘ethical meat’ will would be kinder to the environment than the real thing, reduce animal suffering and help feed the world’s burgeoning population.  The new meat will be an ethical alternative to beef. PETA is a big supporter of test tube hamburgers – as long as cows are not hurt when their stems cells are extracted.

Another interesting fact about the test tube burgers is that they are made from test tube cows!

The burgers aren’t cheap though and the prototype burger cost $420,000 to produce.

Professor Post says that “everyone” will want to eat the burgers, which, despite their vast initial cost could eventually be priced to match that of real meat.

However, it remains to be seen whether a public that likes to think of its chops, steaks and sausages as having their roots in nature will take to meat made in test-tubes.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”

“Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?” the manager asked.

“That’s the one!”

“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?”

“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me.”

 

JOKE #2

A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.

”That customer’s going to come back here pretty mad,” he said to his boss. “Should I give him his money back?”

“Money back? Are you crazy?” roared the boss. “What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat!”

 

JOKE #3

Jill’s car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls.

”What happened this time?” he asked.

“My brakes went out,” Jill said. “Can you come to get me?”

“Where are you?” John asked.

“I’m in the drugstore,” Jill responded.

“And where’s the car?” John asked.

Jill replied, “It’s in here with me.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Scientists found 900 year old knives in a Peruvian dig in South America.  ***MARLAR: Yep, even the Incas were annoyed by Ginsu salesmen.

 

97% of the world’s water is in the ocean. ***MARLAR: The other 3% is in my basement.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

EASY OPERATION?

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.  A nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry. I’m sure it will be all right.'”
“She was just trying to comfort you. What’s so frightening about that?”
“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS

A penny poll is allowing Americans to get their two-cents in on the future of the copper coin. About a-quarter of those asked say the penny is just a nuisance. But two-thirds say Uncle Sam should keep the likeness of Honest Abe in circulation. And most of us would pick up a found penny. The survey finds 84 percent of women and 74 percent of men say they would bother to pocket a penny spotted on the ground. The poll is from Coinstar, the Washington-state based company that makes coin counting machines.  ***MARLAR: They CAN’T get rid of the penny!  Society would crumble!

  • What about penny loafers?  They’d cease to exist!
  • Penny arcades are already gone!
  • You could never get a “Penny for your thoughts.”
  • You could never “give your two cents” on an issue.
  • People would have no need for a savings account, because “a penny saved is a penny earned” would be completely meaningless.
  • You’d spend money without thinking about it because “penny-pinchers” would no longer exist!
  • What about “See a penny, pick it up, all the day you’ll have good luck”?  You’d have to move it up to a nickel – meaning good luck is suddenly five times more expensive!
  • Speaking of inflation and luck, making a wish in a fountain would suddenly become five times more expensive too!
  • And how do you tell a waitress that she gave you lousy service if you don’t have a penny to put on the table face down?

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

WE THE PEOPLE

Do you know the Preamble for your state?  After reviewing acknowledgments of God from all 50 state constitutions, one is faced with the prospect that maybe the ACLU and the out-of-control federal courts are completely wrong about the constitutionality of God.

  1. Alabama 1901, Preamble . We the people of the State of Alabama , invoking  the favor and guidance of Almighty God, do ordain and establish the  following Constitution.
  2. Alaska 1956, Preamble. We, the people of Alaska , grateful  to God and to those who founded our nation and pioneered this great land.
  3. Arizona 1911, Preamble. We, the people of the State of Arizona, grateful  to Almighty God for our liberties, do ordain this Constitution…
  4. Arkansas 1874, Preamble.  We, the people of the State of Arkansas, grateful  to Almighty God for the privilege of choosing our own form of government…
  5. California 1879, Preamble . We, the  People of the State of California , grateful  to Almighty God for our freedom.
  6. Colorado 1876, Preamble . We, the  people of Colorado , with  profound reverence for the Supreme Ruler of Universe.
  7. Connecticut 1818, Preamble. The People  of Connecticut, acknowledging with gratitude the good Providence of God  in permitting them to enjoy.
  8. Delaware 1897, Preamble . Through  Divine Goodness all men have, by nature, the rights of worshipping and  serving their Creator according to the dictates of their consciences.
  9. Florida 1885, Preamble . We, the  people of the State of Florida , grateful  to Almighty God for our constitutional liberty, establish this  Constitution…
  10. Georgia 1777, Preamble . We, the  people of Georgia , relying  upon protection and guidance of Almighty God, do ordain and establish this Constitution…
  11. Hawaii 1959, Preamble . We , the  people of Hawaii , Grateful  for Divine Guidance .. Establish this Constitution.
  12. Idaho 1889, Preamble . We, the  people of the State of Idaho , grateful  to Almighty God for our freedom, to secure its blessings.
  13. Illinois 1870, Preamble . We, the  people of the State of Illinois, grateful to Almighty God for the civil  l, political and religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to  enjoy and looking to Him for a blessing on our endeavors.
  14. Indiana 1851, Preamble . We, the  People of the State of Indiana , grateful  to Almighty God for the free exercise of the right to choose our form of  government.
  15. Iowa 1857, Preamble We, the  People of the State of Iowa , grateful  to the Supreme Being for the blessings hitherto enjoyed, and feeling our  dependence on Him for a continuation of these blessings ! establish this  Constitution.
  16. Kansas 1859, Preamble . We, the  people of Kansas , grateful  to Almighty God for our civil and religious privileges establish this  Constitution.
  17. Kentucky 1891, Preamble. We, the  people of the Commonwealth are grateful to Almighty God for the civil,  political and religious liberties…
  18. Louisiana 1921, Preamble We, the  people of the State of Louisiana , grateful  to Almighty God for the civil, political and religious liberties we  enjoy.
  19. Maine  1820, Preamble. We the  People of Maine acknowledging with grateful hearts the goodness of the  Sovereign Ruler of the Universe in affording us an opportunity … And  imploring His aid and direction.
  20. Maryland 1776, Preamble  We, the  people of the state of Maryland , grateful  to Almighty God for our civil and religious liberty…
  21. Massachusetts 1780, Preamble . We…the  people of Massachusetts ,  acknowledging with grateful hearts, the goodness of the Great Legislator  of the Universe .. In the course of His Provi! dence, an opportunity and  devoutly imploring His direction ..
  22. Michigan 1908, Preamble. We, the  people of the State of Michigan , grateful  to Almighty God for the blessings of freedom establish this Constitution.
  23. Minnesota, 1857, Preamble . We, the  people of the State of Minnesota , grateful  to God for our civil and religious liberty, and desiring to perpetuate  its blessings:
  24. Mississippi 1890, Preamble . We, the  people of Mississippi in  convention assembled, grateful to Al mighty God, and invoking His  blessing on our work.
  25. Missouri 1845, Preamble . We, the  people of Missouri , with  profound reverence for the Supreme Ruler of the Universe, and grateful for His goodness .. Establish this Constitution .
  26. Montana 1889, Preamble. We, the  people of Montana , grateful  to Almighty God for the
    blessings of  liberty establish this Constitution
  27. Nebraska 1875, Preamble . We, the  people, grateful to Almighty God for our freedom Establish this  Constitution.
  28. Nevada 1864, Preamble . We the  people of the State of Nevada , grateful  to Almighty God for our freedom establish this Constitution
  29. New Hampshire 1792, Part  I. Art. I. Sec. V . Every  individual has a natural and unalienable right to worship God according  to the dictates of his own conscience.
  30. New Jersey 1844, Preamble . We, the  people of the State of New Jersey, grateful to Almighty God for civil  and religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy, and  looking to Him for a blessing on our endeavors.
  31. New Mexico 1911, Preamble . We, the  People of New Mexico, grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of  liberty
  32. New York 1846, Preamble . We, the  people of the State of New  York , grateful  to Almighty God for our freedom, in order to secure its blessings.
  33. North Carolina 1868, Preamble . We the  people of the State of North Carolina, grateful to Almighty God, the  Sovereign Ruler of Nations, for our civil, political, and religious  liberties, and acknowledging our dependence upon Him for the continuance  of those
  34. North Dakota 1889, Preamble . We , the  people of North Dakota , grateful  to Almighty God for the blessings of civil and religious liberty, do  ordain…
  35. Ohio 1852, Preamble . We the people of the state of Ohio , grateful  to Almighty God for our freedom, to secure its blessings and to promote  our common…
  36. Oklahoma 1907, Preamble . Invoking  the guidance of Almighty God, in order to secure and perpetuate the  blessings of liberty ….. establish this…
  37. Oregon 1857, Bill of Rights,  Article  I.  Section 2. All men  shall be secure in the Natural right, to worship Almighty God according  to the dictates of their consciences..
  38. Pennsylvania  1776, Preamble We, the  people of Pennsylvania , grateful to Almighty God for the blessings of  civil and religious liberty, and humbly invoking His  guidance
  39. Rhode Island 1842, Preamble. We the  People of the State of Rhode Island grateful to Almighty God for the  civil and religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy,  and looking to Him for a blessing
  40. South Carolina, 1778, Preamble . We, the  people of he State of South  Carolina grateful to  God for our liberties, do ordain and establish this Constitution.
  41. South Dakota 1889, Preamble . We, the  people of South Dakota , grateful  to Almighty God for our civil and religious liberties
  42. Tennessee  1796, Art. XI.III. That all  men have a natural and indefeasible right to worship Almighty God  according to the dictates of their conscience…
  43. Texas  1845, Preamble . We the  People of the Republic of   Texas ,  acknowledging, with gratitude, the grace and beneficence of God.
  44. Utah  1896, Preamble . Grateful  to Almighty God for life and liberty, we establish this  Constitution.
  45. Vermont  1777, Preamble . Whereas  all government ought to enable the individuals who compose it to enjoy  their natural rights, and other blessings which the Author of Existence  has bestowed on man
  46. Virginia  1776, Bill of Rights, XVI Religion,  or the Duty which we owe our Creator can be directed only by Reason and  that it is the mutual duty of all to practice Christian Forbearance,  Love and Charity towards each other
  47. Washington  1889, Preamble . We the  People of the State of Washington , grateful  to the Supreme Ruler of the Universe for our liberties, do ordain this  Constitution
  48. West Virginia  1872, Preamble . Since  through Divine Providence we enjoy the blessings of civil, political and  religious liberty, we, the people of   West  Virginia reaffirm  our fait! h in and constant reliance upon God ..
  49. Wisconsin  1848, Preamble We, the  people of Wisconsin , grateful  to Almighty God for our freedom, domestic tranquility
  50. Wyoming  1890, Preamble . We, the  people of the State of Wyoming , grateful  to God for our civil, political, and religious liberties… establish  this Constitution.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

I remember back in my high school days when I was in the library and came across an interesting new book, with full color illustrations, that was dedicated to gross body functions. Acne was given a prominent chapter. Eeeewww!

It seems there are three kinds of zits: blackheads and whiteheads and acne cysts. Pores are supposed to deliver sebum (oil) to the skin surface to lubricate and protect it. When dirt blocks the pores, the sebum backs up and a pimple forms. Whiteheads are the body’s defense mechanism to bacteria that get through the skin’s outer defenses. Millions of white blood cells sacrifice themselves to kill and contain the intruders, causing an inflammation. Acne cysts are like whiteheads, except that the infection occurs deeper beneath the skin’s surface.

Whatever type of pimple occurs, the book makes it clear that a person should never, never pop a zit. Popping zits can cause bleeding, underlying tissue damage, permanent scarring and in a few rare cases can force the bacteria inwards instead of outwards. The bacteria is then carried along by the blood, and if not killed quickly enough, can lodge in the heart and cause a fatal infection. Besides keeping the skin clean and using proper medications, the best thing a person can do is to just let the body heal itself.
Yet breathes there a soul who hasn’t tried to hurry the demise of a pimple by popping it? There is something almost satisfying at getting that crud out of one’s system. Unfortunately, it isn’t a permanent solution. The zits keep coming back.

Just because we surrender to Christ, it doesn’t mean that all the crud in our lives is instantly eliminated. Sometimes an attack of the enemy gets beneath our skin. The Holy Spirit responds with conviction and grace to fight it. But the fight can get messy and painful. Other times, we block the working of Jesus in our lives and everything backs up until we submit to His correction. Often in the midst of these situations we try to rely on our own strength and abilities hurry a resolution. That’s when it really gets messy. Jesus has given us the regimen and “medications” we need to clear up our souls: confession, repentance, obedience and trusting Him both “to work and to will” in the transforming work in our lives.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

WHILE YOUR COMPUTER’S MEMORY INCREASES, DOES YOUR MEMORY DECREASE?

Researchers in Japan say that people’s memories could be failing because they depend on computers too much. Researchers from the school of medicine at Japan’s Hokkaido University say as many as one in 10 people under age 35 are suffering from memory loss, simply because they depend too much on computers, electronic organizers, and other helpful devices. According to Professor Toshiyuki Sawaguchi, people are losing the ability to remember new things, and distinguish between important and unimportant information. ***MARLAR: As far as he remembers, anyway.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

Is your dog overweight? What are you doing to help them drop a few pounds?

Up to 40 percent, or 17 million dogs, are carrying excess weight which could cause future health problems, and many of their owners are not even aware of it. While an extra 10 pounds on a man or woman can be a bit uncomfortable and mean loosening the belt or a bigger dress size, for a normal 40-pound dog the excess could put it 25 percent over its ideal weight.  About 30 percent of dog owners may not even know their dogs are overweight.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

MINI-CROCODILE DUNDEE

What would you do if you found yourself within the jaws of a 14-ft crocodile? If you’re 12-year-old Sam West, you bite the animal in the nose!

The attack happened while Sam was snorkeling in Australia. After its first attack the crocodile let go when Sam punched it, but it then attacked again. Having both his arms clenched in the grip of the crocodile’s mouth, Sam did the only thing he thought he could do — bite him on the nose. When the crocodile released its grip, Sam poked him in the eyes and swam to safety. The young man says he learned about the biting and poking eye move from a scene in the movie “Deep Blue Sea”. ***MARLAR: Either that or the Three Stooges.

 

 

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE READING YOUR BIBLE ENOUGH:

  • You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60’s.
  • You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
  • Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
  • You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn’t listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.
  • Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: “Who gave you this filthy book?”
  • You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
  • You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums.
  • The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: “Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors.”

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Researchers from DePauw University in Indiana have concluded that you can guess the chances your marriage will last based on what you and your spouse looked like in old photographs…

…People who are pictured smiling in old photos are more likely to be in a successful marriage than the grim and sour-faced. The researchers examined the college yearbook photos of a group of people and rated their smile intensity from one to 10. To judge this, they looked specifically at the stretch of two muscles: the one that pulls up on the mouth and the one that creates wrinkles around the eyes. Of this group, no one who fell in the top 10 percent of smile intensity had divorced, while almost 25 percent of those in the bottom 10 percent of smile intensity had ended their marriage.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

If we were still living under Old Testament law, how many animal sacrifices would’ve had to have been made in your name up to this point in your life? The Bulls & Goats Calculator can let you know.  (Thanks be to GOD we are under a new covenant, covered by GRACE!) http://crossward.org/bullsandgoats

 

So are you up for a No Complaining Challenge? The web site iMom is challenging readers to not complain for seven full days. They say to think about who you complain about most and then see if you can you go 7 days without complaining? Give it a try and let us know how it goes.  http://ow.ly/JzJmk

 

Ever heard of Nagaland?? It’s so dangerous that Myanmar’s government doesn’t allow anybody to visit the area. Yet, there are many Christians in Nagaland. Hundreds of hungry pastors and church planters braved epic floods just to get there, coming from Tibet, Bhutan, Burma, and Bangladesh. Global Advance recently hosted a Frontline Shepherd’s Conference in Nagaland. They were told by one pastor: “We have the opportunity to plant 500 new churches among unreached villages!” “We just need the training and support.”  http://ift.tt/1Tvr3At

 

Last spring, Joni and Friends launched a ground-breaking new Wheels for the World initiative called Hope Overflowing 100,000 by 2020. The initiative goal is to send 100,000 wheelchairs by the year 2020 through Wheels for the World. Now the ministry is a year into the initiative and they are asking for continued support. According to Joni and Friends, with every wheelchair, a Bible is given and the Gospel message is shared.  http://ow.ly/YuB1L

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

If you hit a man over the head with a fish, he’ll have a headache for a day. If you teach a man to hit himself over the head with a fish, he’ll have a headache for the rest of his life.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

FEBRUARY 26, 2016…

 

Eddie The Eagle—This is a true story about a ski jumper named Eddie Edwards, who worked his way to the top (couldn’t resist that) to become a ski jumper for Great Britain in the 1988 Calgary Winter Olympics. Taron Egerton plays Edwards while Hugh Jackman is his coach, and Christopher Walken is there, too.  “Eddie The Eagle” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for sports fans.

 

Gods of Egypt—Yes, they do fight and don’t get along, especially Set and Hours and doesn’t that sound like Greek or Roman mythology?  Anyway,  Set wants to turn the world into darkness while Horis doesn’t like that.  A girl is taken captive and a young man wants to rescue her. The cast includes Gerard Butler, Abbey Lee, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Rufus Sewell and Geoffrey Rush.

 

Triple 9—This is the code for “Officer Down.” In this action thriller, a police officer is shot as a distraction for a huge robbery.  Police are blackmailed (by a Russian woman) into helping with the robbery and then things go wrong.  The cast includes Casey Affleck, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Anthony Mackie, Kate Winslet and Teresa Palmer.

 

The Witch—Back in Old Salem, there was always trouble in the woods and here it is again, when a family moves into the wilderness to live. The cast includes Anya Taylor-Jay, Ralph Ineson and Kate Dickie. “The Witch” is rated R. No rating.

 

Crouching Tiger: Sword of Destiny (opening in select cities)—Finally, here comes the sequel for this film that was a visual feast of color and activity.  It’s opening date has been changed and changed again. The plot is a carefully kept secret, but concerns lost love, special sword and redemption. The cast includes Michelle Yeoh, Donny Wen,  and Jason Scott Lee. “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: Sword of Destiny” is rated R. Rating of PG 13 for fans.

 

MARCH 04, 2016…

 

Desierto stars Gael Garcia Bernal and Jeffrey Dean Morgan in a thriller about people trying to cross the Mexican border.

 

London Has Fallen with Gerard Butler discovering an assassination plot.

 

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot has Margot Robbie and Tina Fey as past journalists in Afghanistan. It’s a comedy.

 

Zootopia is an animated film about different animal species living together in a sophisticated society.  Voices of Idris Elba and Jason Bateman.

 

Knight of Cups is a fantasy romance starring Christian Bale.

 

The Wave (subtitled) is a Norwegian thriller about what would happen if a tsunami hit that country. Seriously, if one of the fjord walls collapsed.

 

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WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.