***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! IT’S PART OF YOUR SUBSCRIPTION! Email me to get more information, FTP access and your free customized tag!)
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW)! You might enjoy what you are about to hear a lot more if you do so from a safe distance.
They should make No-Doze Coffee Creamer.
Nothing messes up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Thursday.
If it first you don’t succeed, maybe you should do it the way I told you to in the beginning.
Dear Facebook: They are not “suggested friends”; they are “people I’m intentionally trying to avoid.”
Toilet paper and your smart phone have a lot in common – both are essential when going to the bathroom.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. –2 Chronicles 7:14
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. — 1 Corinthians 13:6-7
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Stop trusting in man, who has but a breath in his nostrils. Of what account is he? — Isaiah 2:22
Thought: How many times have you been disappointed by someone for whom you voted, betrayed by a friend, been abandoned by a loved one, or let down by a church leader? While we love others and care about them, every other person in our world is just like us — a flawed human being who breathes the same air and walks the same ground as we do. Only One is worthy of our ultimate trust. He showed us by sacrificing what was most precious to him so we could know his love. Let’s not put our hope in other mere mortals; only God can safeguard our trust. Let’s put our hope in him!
Prayer: Father, you know the broken places in my heart that were caused by the failure of people in my life. I confess that I have sometimes become disillusioned with your way because of the failures and inconsistencies in your people. Deep down I know, dear Father, that their failures do not mean your failure, but it is hard for it not to feel that way. Call me close to you. Give me a more gracious heart toward those who fail me. Establish my faith, strong and firm in you, O LORD. In you I put my trust. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
Acts 2:28 NIV = You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence.’
TODAY IS TUESDAY – FEBRUARY 28, 2017
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 299 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is NATIONAL TOOTH FAIRY DAY.
Today is GOD, YOU MAY BE A WINNER DAY. On this date in 1997, God was given a chance to win a sweepstakes. American Family Publishers’ Sweepstakes mailed a letter to the Bushnell Assembly of God in Florida, which read “God, you may already be a sweepstakes winner.”
Today is NATIONAL PUBLIC SLEEPING DAY. ***Join the professional sleepers – grab a shovel, find an orange barrel, and lean.
TODAY IS ALSO…
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 01
Asiatic Fleet Memorial Day Link
Dadgum That’s Good Day
Endometriosis Day or Wear Yellow Day
National Horse Protection Day
National Peanut Lovers Day Link
Plan a Solo Vacation Day
Refired, Not Retired Day
Saint David’s Day Link
World Compliment Day
Zero Discrimination Day Link
THURSDAY, MARCH 02
Dr. Seuss Day
NEA’s Read Across America Day
World Book Day Link
FRIDAY, MARCH 03
I Want You To Be Happy Day
International Ear Care Day
National Day of Action (Peace Corps): Link
National Mulled Wine Day Link
National Anthem Day
Princess Day Link
Shabbat Across America/Canada Link
What If Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs? Day
Dress in Blue Day
Employee Appreciation Day Link
National Day of Unplugging Link Link
World Day of Prayer
World Wildlife Day
SATURDAY, MARCH 04
National Day of Unplugging Link Link
Benjamin Harrison Day
Courageous Follower Day
Holy Experiment Day Link Link
International Scrapbooking Industry Day
March Forth-Do Something Day
National Grammar Day
Old Inauguration Day
Toy Soldier Day Link
Free Dentistry Day Link Link
National Frozen Food Day Link
Sock Monkey Day
SUNDAY, MARCH 05
Daughters’ and Sons’ Day
National Absinthe Day Link
Saint Piran’s Day
MONDAY, MARCH 06
TUESDAY, MARCH 07
ON THIS DAY
1836: At the Alamo, Davy Crockett on fiddle and John McGregor on bagpipes tried to drown out the Mexican troops’ song of death.
1953: Scientists James Watson and Francis Crick discovered the structure of DNA, the molecule that contains the human genes.
1966: Liverpool’s Cavern Club, made famous by The Beatles, closed with debts of $17,000. The stage was sawed into small pieces and sold.
1977: Comedian Eddie Anderson died at age 71. He had appeared almost 20 years on radio and 15 years on television as Jack Benny’s personal valet, Rochester.
1983: The concluding episode of the long-running television series “M*A*S*H” drew what was then the largest TV audience in U.S. history. (audio clip)
1984: Michael Jackson won eight Grammy Awards and his first Pepsi commercial premiered.
1989: The world’s largest litter bin was placed in London’s Covent Gardens. The sponsor was Kentucky Fried Chicken.
1990: England’s richest man, the Duke of Westminster, pleaded guilty to speeding, was fined $200, and was banned from driving for two weeks.
1993: A gun battle erupted at a compound near Waco, Texas, when ATF agents tried to serve warrants on the Branch Davidians. Four federal agents and six Davidians were killed as a 51-day standoff began.
1996: Britain’s Princess Diana agreed to a divorce from Prince Charles, ending a marriage that began in 1981. She said it was “the saddest day of her life.”
2000: A woman in Mozambique gave birth to a baby girl in a treetop where she had living above raging flood waters for four days. An hour later, Sophia Pedro and her daughter were rescued after a medic swung down from a helicopter to cut the newborn’s umbilical cord. Floods had forced about 1 million people from their homes.
2003: The Food and Drug Administration announced the drug ephedra would soon bear warnings the popular herb could cause heart attacks or strokes and death.
2005: The animal welfare group Compassion in World Farming released results of a studies showing cows bear grudges, nurture friendships and become excited by intellectual challenges. The research found cows were capable of strong emotions like pain, fear and even anxiety about the future. But if farmers provide the right conditions, cows could also feel great happiness. The studies found similar traits in pigs, goats and chickens.
2007: Finally, 15-year-old Jennifer Mee of St. Petersburg, Florida, stopped hiccupping for the first time in more than a month. Jennifer’s hiccups began Jan. 23 during her first period science class, and did not stop until late on Feb 28. No one could explain or cure the problem. At times, she hiccuped as many as 50 times aminute.
2007: While washing potatoes from a bag purchased at a market near Naples, Italy, a 74-year-old woman discovered one of the potatoes was a U.S, made, world War II grenade. Police, who detonated the grenade, said it could have exploded if she had dumped it into the pot on the stove. Police said the grenade was covered with so much dirt potato pickers may not have noticed it.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
398: John Chrysostom, the greatest preacher of the early church, becomes bishop of Constantinople. So well-regarded was his preaching that he earned the name Chrysostom: “golden-mouth.” He was exiled in 403 for his outspoken criticism of his congregation, including Empress Eudoxia. After the church recalled him, he again offended Eudoxia, who exiled him again. He died three years later.
1857: American Congregational clergyman Charles Sheldon, author of more than 50 books and editor of the Christian Herald, is born in Wellsville, New York. His most famous work, In His Steps (1896), sold more than 23 million copies and spawned the recent “What Would Jesus Do?” phenomenon.
1784: Wesley signs the deed of declarations establishing the Methodist Conference. At first he had tried to work within the Church of England.
1877: Decree makes Chinese Christians equal to other citizens.
1909: Pastor Zamora announces the formation of La Iglesia Evangelica Metodista las Islas Filipinas, an independent national Filipino church which becomes very successful.
1958: Dave Wilkerson tries to speak to a judge in behalf of gang members and gets ridiculed. He went on to begin a work with New York gangs.
HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
actress (“Saturday Night Live,” Pennies from Heaven, The Jerk) Bernadette Peters 69 (audio clip)
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1904 : Jimmy Dorsey
1916 : Dinah Shore
1940 : Joe South
1940 : Gretchen Christopher (The Fleetwoods)
1942 : Brian Jones (Rolling Stones founding member)
1944 : Barbara Acklin
1957 : Cindy Wilson (The B-52’s)
1957 : Phillip Gould (Level 42)
1957 : Ian Stanley (Tears For Fears)
1969 : Pat Monahan (Train)
1976 : Ja Rule
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Is there really such a thing as being tone deaf?
It’s real. The aural equivalent of being color blind, tone deafness means that everything sounds as if it’s in a monotone. You can’t tell one note from another. You can’t appreciate your spouse singing in the shower, listen to the latest Christian CD, or tell the difference between TV commercial jingles. Hmmm… I guess it has at least ONE redeeming side-effect!
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
Hawk Nelson Front man Jon Steingard: There is no harder adulting than doing your taxes.
Jamie Grace: I hope my future husband is in support of our kid’s first word being supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
Switchfoot is giving away a 7-Day Trip to San Diego. The SWITCHFOOT Summer Getaway takes place June 19-24 and includes the bands Bro-am event, a beach day with the band, and a private tour of their recording studio.
Mandisa is being hit by a dose of reality. She posted: I First Noticed I Was Old When people started telling me I looked good FOR MY AGE!
Newsboys Drummer Duncan Phillips idea of fun is a little different than mine. He posted over the weekend: Always fun to be had on the road. He added: We blew up the turbo unit last night and had a 5′ flame jetting out the exhaust! https://www.instagram.com/p/BQ8ih1mDvyj/
Jamie Grace says her next album is once again on hold. Jamie had planned to release her next album, The Happy Song, on February 24. Instead she announced that the project will again be delayed. When asked: Do you know the delayed date that your album will be released? Jamie replied: I don’t know. Putting my moms health first, moving forward from there. Will share as soon as I know. https://twitter.com/rainfrost56/status/834945559169544194
A reminder from Matthew West: Life can constantly pull families and marriages in different directions. Family pictures might give the image of closeness when, in reality, everyone is off doing their own thing except for the moment when that pic was taken. So, while these pictures today might represent my wife and I resting at the beach, it’s actually indicating a choice. A choice to press the pause button even though we have a million things on our family’s to-do list. A choice to re-connect. A choice to remember that a strong marriage is more important than a strong career.
A song by Stars Go Dim played a big part in encouraging astronaut Shane Kimbrough. Members of the band posted: Big shout out to Shane Kimbrough for completing 100 days on his mission in space today! We are humbled that our song, You Are Loved, was used to send him love and support from here on Earth! It’s crazy! We hope and pray the rest of the mission is safe and successful. https://www.instagram.com/p/BQ4SGCOBskO/
Several Christian artists were celebrating the return of Major League Baseball over the weekend. Spring training games began and Third Day’s Mark Lee posted: Praise the Lord, baseball’s back! Mercyme’s Mike Scheuchzer added: Let’s Go Rangers.
Jimmy Needham was in south Dallas over the weekend for a very specific purpose: to pray. He posted: Out here at the 2nd largest planned parenthood in Texas. Time to end abortion now. Join us some time! https://www.instagram.com/p/BQ8SjLHgB-u/
(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
According to Reader’s Digest, reading to kids at bedtime in American homes has decreased by over 80% since 1960. ***Probably because today’s new parents don’t know how to read.
President Trump is skipping the White House Correspondents’ Dinner set for April. It’s the first time a sitting president has missed the dinner since 1981, when President Reagan couldn’t be there because he was recovering after being shot in an assassination attempt. ***Ronnie couldn’t make it due to being shot by a bullet. Donnie can’t make it due to being shot by criticism.
A fear of being sued has led many cities to ban sledding. ***And lawyers won’t stop until all joy in life has been removed entirely.
YouTube took down a video feed of a giraffe about to give birth because of “nudity” issues. ***Meanwhile, Donald Duck continues to waddle around without pants and nobody seems to notice.
A report says UFO sightings are at an all-time high. ***But then, you see a lot of space-cases around Oscars time.
Over the weekend, a group of witches said they began casting spells and will continue to do so until President Trump is gone. ***This seems counterproductive to me. What’s the point of chanting words like “Double double toil and trouble” when that’s what you already claim is in the White House?
CBS has canceled the new drama “Doubt” after only after 2 episodes. ***With a name like “Doubt” it sounds like that didn’t have a lot of confidence in it to begin with.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
A British safari park is asking visitors to stop wearing animal prints. It confuses the animals. ***For five hours a woman was stalked by a zebra trying to get her cell phone number.
Stanford University reports that child-like reasoning is how fish determine their social pecking order. ***They reached this conclusion after observing which fish sat at the “cool table” in the cafeteria.
Can singing take away your pain? Doctors in Australia hope so. As part of a new pain-management program, doctors at Royal North Shore Hospital in Sydney have been prescribing three half-hour singing sessions a week for three weeks. The program involves patients suffering from long-term and incurable pain such as back injuries and arthritis. So far, doctors claim that singing made people fell less tense, less tired and more vigorous for a week after one half-hour session. ***And if after that time it still doesn’t work, the doctors stop singing and ask you to do so instead. (Soon you’ll be hearing your doctor, “Sing four show tunes and call me in the morning”.)
The hottest new wedding activity is to trash the wedding dress after the ceremony. Yes, that dress that likely cost several hundred dollars. The most popular way so far to “trash the dress” is for the groom to use it as a paintball target with the bride still in it. ***That’s good, let’s just kick off the marriage with a good ole round of domestic violence.
A poll by Harris Online found that Americans have a wide range of religious beliefs. Not surprisingly, 90 percent believe in God, while 84 percent believe in miracles. Over 70 percent believe in angels, 69 percent believe in Hell and 68 percent believe in the devil. 51 percent believe in ghosts, about 33 percent believe in UFOs and witches, 31 percent believe in astrology, 27 percent believe in reincarnation, and somehow, despite 90 percent believing in God, 42 percent also believe in Darwin’s theory of evolution. ***What I think is strange is that 90 percent believe in God, but only 84 percent believe in miracles. So does that mean six percent believe God is a slacker?
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: Last time on As the Jungle Turns, the jungle animals were conducing anti-clunking and pro-clunking rallies trying to win the argument over whether or not clunking should be banned in the jungle. Clunking is hitting yourself on the head with a coconut over and over again. Sully the Aardvark says it’s dumb, Millard the Monkey thinks it’s okay. But what about second-hand clunking?
CLOSE: What’s causing the hiccups? Does it have something to do with clunking, or is Millard just vying for attention? Tune in again next time to see what happens, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
A Valentine’s Day disappointment is today’s Moment of Duh!
An Oklahoma City woman was disappointed when, on Valentine’s Day, she did not receive a marriage proposal from her boyfriend. How disappointed was she? She stabbed her boyfriend below the ear; he was treated for a minor wound and released. ***MARLAR: I’m guessing she won’t be seeing a marriage proposal for Easter either.
TOP TEN LEAST-AMAZING INVENTIONS
10. “High-Definition Pants”
9. “The Surface-to-Air Banjo”
8. “Tivo for Kitties”
7. “Exxon Mobil Low-Carb gasoline”
6. “Nose muffs”
5. “Shower head with built-in GPS”
4. “The Rusty Schick Quattro”
3. “Windex Glass Cleaner/Mouthwash”
2. “Walk-in iPod”
1. “Baby’s First Tanning Booth”
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Two teenagers are caught with their pants down at a bank robbery!
FILE #1: A couple of young bank robbers were done in by, of all things, their pants! The two teenagers who robbed a bank in Bloomington, Illinois were unable to get away because they wore their pants too low and loose. Apparently, they had to keep stopping to pull up their pants and police ended up catching up with them.
FILE #2: A Dallas police officer got himself in trouble for eating on the job. Raymond Dethloff Jr. was suspended for eating a McDonald’s chicken sandwich he took from a crashed car at an accident scene. The 16-year-old girl to whom the sandwich belonged had been taken away in an ambulance with minor injuries.
FILE #3: Thieves broke into the home of Ivan and Oscar Lim and made off with a DVD player, video camera, movies and cash but they didn’t know that they were being watched by a webcam! The two Australian brothers set up a “wanted” Web site to display the photos in the hopes of catching the thieves. The brothers’ site contains information about the case, several photos of the alleged burglars and information on how to set up a webcam.
STRANGE LAW: In Maryland it is illegal to flip a coin to determine who buys coffee and who buys ice cream on Sunday.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Sadly, an Inverness, Florida, man didn’t operate his brain as fast as he did his car.
…23-year-old Jerry McKay was spotted zooming down a street at 71 mph. Needless to say driving like this tends to attract the attention of police. This is especially bad if you happen to be cooking meth in your car, which Jerry was doing at the time. In addition to drug charges, Jerry was also charged with driving with a suspended license and speeding.
The other day my wife was going through the fridge and found a bottle of salad dressing that expired four years ago! What’s the oldest thing in your fridge or pantry?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who slept at David’s door while he was home on furlough?
ANSWER: Uriah (2 Samuel 11:9)
QUESTION: What percentage of Americans admit to “re-gifting”?
ANSWER: Approximately 50%.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. Due to precipitation, for a few weeks, K2 is taller than Mt. Everest. (True)
2. A galactic year is 250 thousand Earth-years. (False – it’s 250 MILLION Earth-years. This is the time it takes for our solar system to make one revolution around the Milky Way Galaxy.)
3. Ferdinand Porsche, who later went on to build sports cars bearing his own name, also designed the original Volkswagen. (True – in 1936)
4. Amish people do not believe in the use of aerosal air fresheners. (True)
5. Water is American’s favorite beverage. (False – water ranks #2, and milk is #3. Soda is #1. The average American drinks about 52 gallons of soft drinks per year.)
6. Being unmarried can shorten a man’s life by ten years. (True)
7. DC-10, the name of an airplane stands for “Douglas Commercial.” (True)
8. Every U.S. bill regardless of denomination costs just 4 cents to make. (True)
9. Fires onland generally move faster downhill than uphill. (False)
10. If someone was to fly once around the surface of the moon, it would be equal to a round trip from New York to London. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
TITANIC _______ FOUND (VIOLIN)
The violin played by Wallace Hartley when his band defiantly played as the doomed Titanic sank – was recently found.
Tests have proven that the instrument band leader Wallace used when he and his seven fellow musicians drowned in the disaster over 100 years ago is authentic.
Author Steve Turner, who wrote a book about the Titanic band, said: “I was suspicious at first but when I looked closely I could only conclude that this was the real thing or the result of an extremely elaborate, and well informed, hoax. I am convinced it is genuine.
When Wallace’s body was found in the Atlantic, his violin was reportedly strapped to his chest. But its whereabouts have been a mystery ever since.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A burglar broke into a radio personality’s house and told the DJ, “One move and you’re dead. I’m looking for money.”
The DJ replied, “Hang on – I’ll get a light and help you look.”
One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents. “Was that all you wanted?” Tim replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I’ve got in my shoe!”
A math teacher was carrying a compass, protractor and calculator as he tried to board an airplane and set off the metal detector. He was immediately taken into custody. The guards explained, “We suspect he belongs to the Al-gebra group and he was carrying tools of math instruction.”
Scientists in the Netherlands have found a way of training wasps to detect drugs and bombs. ***How’s that for giving new meaning to “sting operation”?
Someone who suffers from “anatidaephobia” believes that somewhere, somehow a duck or goose is constantly watching them. ***Wait… is it still a phobia if you know for positive that it’s true?
Jimmy: ‘Hey, Mike! How’s your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.
Mike: ‘To tell the truth, I’m really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.
Jimmy: ‘What? Let me get this straight… You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?’
Mike: ‘Well, yeah. After all, you know, he’s a parrot fish.’
Jimmy: ‘Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you’re never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.
Mike: ‘That’s what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he’s terribly off-key and it’s driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?’
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
If you are a parent and are looking for a unique way to reward your son or daughter for being good – let me tell you what one father did that got him into a whole mess of trouble!
Barry Colvert really loves his son. In fact, he loves his son so much that he looks for ways to reward him. Not long ago, Barry noticed that his son ate everything on his plate, did all of his homework, and even cleaned his room without asking! So, as a reward, Barry let his son drive the car for a while with dad in the passenger seat. That’s a great father-son picture, isn’t it? Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you – it was at night. The headlights were still off. They ran a stop sign. They smashed into another car. And, oh yeah – Barry’s son is only seven years old. Police couldn’t believe what had happened, and when they questioned Barry, he insisted that it was that other car’s fault, not his. “I’m certainly not responsible,” he said. “I just had a few beers.” ***MARLAR: I have to agree with him on that. A story like this sure doesn’t happen with a responsible adult in charge.
I AM THANKFUL FOR…
….the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.
….the taxes I pay because it means I am employed.
….the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.
….a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.
….my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.
….the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.
….all the complaining about our government because it means we have freedom of speech.
….my large heating bill because it means I am warm.
….the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.
….the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means I am alive.
….the piles of laundry and ironing because it means my loved ones are nearby.
….weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive.
….and your friendship.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
(audio clip) Shows like, “American Idol”, “America’s Got Talent” and “The Voice” draw millions to watch people trying to make it to the top. Every week, it seems, a new entertainment awards show appears (albeit with the same old list of guests performing at each). Every sports season seems to have two parts: getting ready for the playoffs, then the race to the championship. Even political coverage always seems to center on who is winning, rather than more complex issues of government and policy.
Everybody loves a winner; we don’t even bother considering losers enough to hate them. The pressure to win pervades every aspect of our lives. So at this juncture, it might be wise to remember the ultimate champion, the one who exceeds even Don King-zone hype: Jesus Christ.
The church in Colosse needed a reminder. Its members faced false teaching about what was necessary for salvation. For some first-century losers, Christ alone did not seem enough. So before Paul began teaching the Colossians, he did a quick review session on the One whose name we carry as believers. Colossians 1:9-14 sets it up; the next 6 verses deliver the knockout punch.
The passage answers the question “Who’s No. 1?” with an undeniable choice: Christ Himself. Run down the list: He created all things, is before all things, holds all things together. . . . By the time you reach the end, Jesus has taken an insurmountable lead.
Our society will always worship its “winners,” and we can appreciate their accomplishments. But we should never lose sight of the ultimate champion: our Savior, Jesus Christ. When you’re obsessed with who’s winning and losing, reflect on the One who has won. Trust in Him.
One day every knee will bow, and everyone will agree that Christ is the undisputed winner. Why wait until then? Once we answer the “Who’s No. 1?” question, we have a good start at settling other issues.
When do you wear socks on your head? When you need… eyebrows…?
Down in Sheffield, Louisiana, 27-year-old Steve Simpson either has the funniest or cruelest friends of all time — we’re not sure which. Steve was about to be married when his buddies shaved off his eyebrows during his bachelor party the night before. But clever Steve got downright creative and picked off threads from his black socks and then glued them to his face. His bride Alison Ward had no idea what happened until she saw him at the church and noticed his eyebrows moved when he spoke. Allison said, “I could have killed him! He looked like Groucho Marx. But I see the funny side now.” You’ll be happy to know Steve’s eyebrows did grow back during the honeymoon.
Are you drinking enough water each day? You might be surprised what it could do for you.
75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated (this likely applies to half the world’s population).
In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
Even MILD dehydration will slow down one’s metabolism by as much as 3%.
One glass of water shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.
Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.
Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
***MARLAR: Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day? I’m not. And none of this is probably going to change that.
JUST FOR FUN
Zoos in Japan really take things seriously… like training their staff in the unlikely event that a polar bear escapes – but how they train for this is a real bear in itself!
Want to go to one of the safest zoos in the world? Then you’ll likely have to travel to Japan. They are so safety-conscious at Tokyo’s Ueno Zoo that they actually hold drills to practice catching a polar bear on the off-chance that one escaped. The concern is that, if an earthquake were to happen, the walls of the polar bear pit would fall and the bears would escape. But how do you train for something like this? Easy; you get some guy to wear a bear suit, run around the zoo, and then chase him down. Oh yeah – and not only did they net the guy in the bear suit, but they tranquilized him too! ***MARLAR: How’s that for a career decision! “I’ve got 12 years of public school behind me, I’ve graduated with a bachelor’s degree in business, and now it’s time to go get a job where I can get shot at while wearing a bear suit!”
NEED A CHEAP SECURITY SYSTEM? POST A NOTE!
Can’t afford a full-blown security system for your home? Then just stick a note on the door! If you don’t think that will work, well, it really depends on what you write on the note!
Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. – Any sign of that book we sent for, “The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats”?
Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!
To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck.
Selma, don’t come in! The boa constrictor got loose again.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
With gas prices to continue going up, it’s a good time for a few tips on how to get more miles per tank:
Use cruise control. This feature will boost gas mileage by about 15%.
Idle as little as possible. If you’re going to be stuck in one place for more than a couple of minutes, like a long drive through line, turn off your engine, it’ll save about 20% in fuel costs.
Don’t buy high-test. The notion that premium fuel improves mileage is a myth.
Chill first, drive second. Driving aggressively, with jack rabbit starts and slamming your foot on the brake to stop, wastes more gasoline than any other motoring flaw more than 30%, in fact.
Don’t sweat the AC. Word is that turning on the air conditioner is more fuel efficient than rolling down the windows. Truth is, it makes very little difference, so do what makes you comfy.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
You really can get up on the right or wrong side of the bed… the right side is wrong and the left side is best. People who sleep on the lift side, says a recent poll, report that they are more cheerful, more positive and more confident than the folks who sleep on the right side. The lefties also report that they out do righties because they are calmer in a crisis, better able to handle stress and because they are more likely to have a full-time job. Furthermore, lefties are 70% more likely to have a positive outlook on life and nearly 60% more likely to love their jobs. But, on the other side, when righties are working, they tend to make more money than lefties. A spokesman for Premier Inn, which sponsored the study, says: “So it seems the age-old adage about getting up on the wrong side of the bed is true.” And that wrong side of the bed… is the right side.
Got a grumpy bunch at a meeting? Make them sing. Here is a weird but proven team builder for your group: Sing. Research reveals that group singing is a great way to build bonds. The magic is in the common goal, physical exertion, and synchronous effort. In a recent study in Royal Society Open Science, people stood in a circle without sheet music (better for eye contact) and sang everything from tribal chants to pop songs. If the grumps balk, just start belting; it’s hard to resist a chorus of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing”.
When Keri Young found out her unborn child didn’t have a brain, she made an unthinkably selfless decision. She decided to carry Eva to term to donate the organs to other babies in need. http://cnn.it/2lJcmwT
Kristin Milchuck is still hitting the CrossFit gym at 37 weeks pregnant, and her husband Blake wanted to see just how challenging her workout would be with a pregnant belly. To find out, Blake strapped a 14-lb. medicine ball to his stomach and went through some of his wife’s CrossFit training moves. http://peoplem.ag/4quZ0av
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
“The people who oppose your ideas the most are those who represent the establishment that your ideas will upset.” –Anthony J. D’Angelo, The College Blue Book
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
FEBRUARY 24, 2017…
Rock Dog—An animated film concerning a Tibetan Mastiff who accidentally finds a radio and begins to like the music. A career? Anything can happen in Hollywood. Voices of Luke Wilson, Eddie Izzard, J. K. Simmons and Lewis Black. “Rock Dog” is rated PG. No rating.
Get Out—It is horror film time again and this one concerns an African-American young man who is invited by his Caucasian girlfriend to meet her parents. So far, so good, but within the family estate strange things begin to happen. Hmm. Stars Allison Williams, Daniel Kaluyya and Bradley Whitford. “Get Out” is rated R. No rating.
Red Turtle–A beautiful anime film that is filled with wondrous creatures from the sea, plus one castaway boy. This film was nominated for an Academy Award and Oscar Night is February 26. It could be a winner. Another thing—this movie has no dialogue. That’s right. Just sit back, relax and watch the show (“The Red Turtle,” that is). “Red Turtle” is rated PG. Rating of 3.
A United Kingdom—Based on a true story, this film centers on the love and marriage of two people. The man is Seretse Khama (David Oyelowo) who is the king of Bechuanaland (Botswana) and his wife, Ruth (Rosamund Pike) who is Caucasian. In 1948, this does not go over well, especially with South Africa next door. “A United Kingdom” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2.
MARCH 03, 2017…
Logan is a prequel to the X-Men series and stars Hugh Jackman.
The Shack has Octavia Spencer (“Hidden Figures”) in a film of finding information on an absent woman.
Before I Fall concerns a young woman who is between life and death. Stars Zoey Deutch.
The Last Word has Shirley MacLaine as a businesswoman writing her own obituary.
Table 19 is a comedy with Lisa Kudrow and not wanting to go to a wedding.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.