In case you haven’t heard, beginning this May, Yours Truly will be a humor columnist for TheChristianPulse.com. (Humbly bows and accepts the waves of accolades and applause.)
I’ve always wanted to be a syndicated humor columnist, and now it looks like I’m finally going to get the opportunity. If you read my blog or spend any time watching me on Facebook or Twitter, you know that I’m always coming up with something funny to say. After all, I’m a comedian – that’s my job.
At least, I hope you think I’m funny. Otherwise my posts might come across as downright creepy – at which point my articles will probably be the the last thing you’ll want to read, particularly if it’s near your bedtime, or if you are pregnant or have a history of heart problems. (By the way, you must be at least this tall in order to read my articles.)
Now I finally get to make the change I’ve always wanted to make in my life: to just be a full time columnist and drop everything else.
First, I’ll drop the radio job. Why spend hours upon hours preparing for a morning radio show, perform it the next day, then immediately afterwards begin the whole time-consuming process all over again? It’s like making the bed; why bother with it if you have to do it again later anyway? (Come to think of it, you can say the same thing about personal hygiene. Brushing teeth day after day, showering day after day…)
I love being a standup comedian – but maybe I’ll just pitch that gig out the window too. I mean really, why should I spend weeks writing and rewriting a single joke in the hopes it will get a laugh – and then spend four hundred bucks on air fare, a rental car, and a hotel room just to stand in front of an audience and find out the joke stinks? Clinically, isn’t that considered masochism? I believe so… and I don’t have time to see a therapist twice a week.
As a humor columnist I can sleep in as long as I’d like and stay in bed as long as I can stand the bladder pressure. I can walk around my home office wearing only my five-year-old, extra-breezy, tighty-whities; and no boss is going to ask why I decided not to wear a tie to work. Actually, I’ll probably dress up a little more than that. Perhaps I’ll wear my Spider-Man footsie pajamas and do the undies-only thing on ‘Casual Fridays”.
I can lay back in my recliner, in front of my big-screen TV in the living room, sip my 32-ounce mug of coffee, and wait for inspiration to hit me… all the while catching up on the episodes I’ve missed of “Law & Order”, “House”, and “Spongebob Squarepants”. Maybe I’ll watch “Dora the Explorer” (I’ve always wanted to learn to speak Spanish). After all, I’m a big time columnist now and I can make my own hours.
When I’m sick of hanging around the house drinking coffee, I’ll go hang out at a coffee house drinking someone else’s coffee. I’ll take my laptop and unshaven face to Starbucks and simultaneously suck up a venti mocha latte and their free wireless internet. I’ll look around and feel inspired (to catch up with my friends on ShoutLife or MySpace). Not to worry, I have the whole day to await the big idea for my next humorous masterpiece. After all, I’m a syndicated writer now, and this is the charmed life one lives in that position.
I’ll spend time on YouTube for a short while, soaking in the creativity and letting the ideas melt into my subconsience. I’ll catch a movie at the local theatre, visit the park and feed the ducks, swear my loyalty (and to secrecy) at the local Moose Lodge… but I’ll have my laptop with me at all times, because a professional writer such as myself would never be without his tools. Inspiration could come from anywhere, and you have to be ready.
My only hiccup with this plan is that I won’t be paid for my contributions to The Christian Pulse. So paying bills will be a bit tough once I quit my radio job and standup comedy career. Fortunately, my wife isn’t working right now – so she has time to go and earn a living for us. She’ll understand, I’m sure. In fact, she’ll be excited and anxious to go fill out job applications and submit resumes to work in our nation’s fast-food industry.
After all, she’s married to me… a famous writer . And shouldn’t that be joy enough for anyone? Now I just have to find the inspiration to inform her of my plans. I’ll begin looking for that inspiration tomorrow… when I go back to work at the radio station.