I Love a Captive Audience, But…

I was talking to my agent recently, and I asked her to see if there might be some opportunities to have me perform my stand up comedy for our men and women in uniform. I think we should support them as best we can, don’t you think? Well, she just informed me that I have a show next month at Leavenworth Federal Prison.

My agent is so fired.

How am I supposed to take the stage at that show? “Hey, folks, thanks for being here!” Or maybe, “Thanks a bunch for being arrested and processed in time for my comedy show! By the way, I will be selling my CDs afterwards… they’re only ten cigarettes each… they make great prison escape gifts…”

Hallmark should make a card for that. Something like, “Congratulations on your escape from Leavenworth prison without serious injury… signed, Inmate #40128.” (Awww, he was always such a softy!)

Actually, I have been to Leavenworth before – not the prison, but the town. I’m surprised the residents don’t try to escape. There is absolutely nothing to do in Leavenworth, Kansas. Want proof? Go to their website. I went to the Leavenworth website the other day, and the biggest news they could come up with for their website’s front page was, “TRASH BAG DELIVERY BEGINS THIS WEEKEND!”

Apparently that’s the big draw for people according to the Leavenworth Tourism Bureau. I’m sure visitors stampede into Leavenworth once they know trash bags are available. People must be sitting in their porch swings, sipping lemonade with a clothespin over their nose thinking, “Gee, this garbage is really piling up. If only I had some sort of container…”

Leavenworth can house human trash behind bars, with no problem whatsoever, yet it’s a conundrum what to do with empty Pop Tart boxes and used Kleenex? I read somewhere recently that there’s a lady in Kansas making greeting cards for prisoners. Her first card reads, “Great to hear from you – now where is the money!”

The card is eight bucks. Eight bucks! To send a greeting card to a prisoner? Is there at least a mini hacksaw between the pages?

Eight bucks… you’d have to crack a safe just to buy the card! Of course, that lands you into prison. But the good news is that you might get greeting card!

And with good behavior, they might let you pass out trash bags.

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