How else do you explain the conversation I had this morning on the phone with my wife Robin? She calls me just after six o’clock this morning as my radio show is just getting started and almost before I can say, “Good morning, Baby” she jumps in with, “have you ‘gone to the bathroom’ – gone to the bathroom today?”
I’m sure you’ve already guessed that when she says “gone to the bathroom” twice like that, it doesn’t mean “did you use both bathing facilities before leaving our lovely home today.” No… she wants to know if I’ve had a bowel movement yet. Gee, what a lovely first conversation of the morning to have with the woman I agreed to spend the rest of my life with.
“Uh… no,” I answered.
“Oh good,” she replied. “Because when you do I don’t want you to panic.”
Ironically, that is the exact thing to say if you want someone to suddenly be thrust into a state of panic. Fortunately she doesn’t pause long and explains I should not panic if I have an “incident” when I do finally visit a commode, because asparagus (which we had for dinner last night) is a natural laxative and things might be stringy.
Really, what else was I going to say at that point? Not only had she come completely out of left field with this maternalistic thing, but in the room with me is my radio co-host, Cindy Swanson. Anything I say more than “Uh” could very well give Cindy a clue as to what this conversation is about – and let’s face it, this isn’t a conversation I want to have with my own wife, so why share it with someone I don’t live with?
“Okay, I just wanted to let you know,” she said. “I love you!” And then she hung up.
I halfway expect to see my clothes laid out for me tomorrow morning with a sack lunch built, complete with Twinkies and thermos of milk.