Thursday, November 22, 2012
ONLY 33 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!
Today is NATIONAL STOP THE VIOLENCE DAY, when many radio and TV stations call for a one-day cease-fire on America’s streets. ***MARLAR: Ironically, this is Fall Sweeps, when the television networks will be airing more shocking and violent programming for ratings. Good timing, huh?
This is BETTER CONVERSATIONS WEEK. ***MARLAR: How are we supposed to do that if we won’t have violent TV programming to talk about?
Today is START YOUR OWN COUNTRY DAY. You just can’t pass up an opportunity like this, can you? My new country will be known as MARLARON. I thought about calling it MARLARIA – but that obviously has some problems, so I’m going with MARLARON. Anyway, I (of course) will be King. “Marlaron” will not be a Republic or a Democracy… because I want to change my mind about anything I want at any time, including the name of my country. Of course, if you’re going to start your own country you have to have a few rules, right? Feel free to send your own ideas for new laws if you’d like, but it’s my country and I get final say as to what gets drafted into laws. Here’s the current list of laws…
THE LAWS OF MARLARON
- We will borrow from the U.S. the First Amendment – freedom of speech and freedom of religion. However, we will specify that “freedom of religion” does not mean “freedom FROM religion”. So if you don’t like our money saying “In God We Trust,” if you’re offended by the Ten Commandments being displayed in government buildings, or if you don’t like prayers before a football game, before meetings of government leaders, or in the classroom – tough. Go live somewhere else.
- License plate numbers on all vehicles will be the phone number to the cell phone of the person driving the vehicle. That way you can call him and tell him to stop driving like a maniac. License plates will be required on front and back of all vehicles so you can also bawl-out the guy who’s tailgating you too. Due to this law, we will also have the law that all vehicles will be equipped with hands-free cell phone use. We don’t mind you cursing out the other guy on the road – but we want you to be a responsible driver while doing so.
- No personal property taxes… period. Continuing to pay money to the government just so you have the right to continue ownership of something you’ve already paid for is immoral.
- The National Food will be Chocolate… and it must be available in some form at every evening meal.
- The Pledge of Allegiance to the flag of Marlaron (very similar to the American pledge) will not only be used in the classroom, but will be required at the beginning of each school day, including the words, “Under God” – and I’ll also be adding words to the pledge to enforce that we are a “sovereign” nation.
- Government buildings and schools are required to display the Ten Commandments and will also be required to live by them. Not only is this a moral decision, but also entertaining as we try to watch politicians survive while obeying commandments such as “Thou Shalt Not Lie” and “Thou Shalt Not Covet”.
- Except for rare parody instances, all Christmas songs recorded or played in MARLARON will be required to keep their original lyrics rather than replacing them with politically correct terms. Songs such as “Oh Turkey Dear” (instead of “Oh Christmas Tree”) or “We Wish You a Happy Season” (rather than “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”) will be banned – and teachers attempting to introduce such songs into the classroom with the intention of replacing the originals will be suspended until after Christmas without pay and be required to act in a live nativity scene on school grounds for students, teachers, and passers-by to see — so all may reflect on the true meaning of the holiday.
Marlaron’s main exports will be:
- Uneducated Teens to work at Fast Food restaurants.
Humane Society Day
Thanksgiving Day (USA)
National Day of Mourning (Native Americans)