January 05, 2017: Thursday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170105

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…..

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I think I figured out my problem in 2016. I thought the saying was “I have a wonderful plan for God’s life.”

A new year… 2017. (Sigh.) And just when I finally got used to writing 2012 on my checks.

Today’s (JOCK SHOW) is brought to you by the same sponsor who brought you the show yesterday. But I’ve already forgotten which sponsor that was. And considering how yesterday’s show went–that may be a good thing. —Toms Lake Humor Company

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“For if you tell others with your own mouth that Jesus Christ is your Lord, and believe in your own heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is by believing in his heart that a man becomes right with God; and with his mouth he tells others of his faith, confirming his salvation.” –Romans 10:9-10

If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! — 2 Corinthians 5:17

In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now… — Philippians 1:4-5

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” — Hebrews 13:5

Thought: We have two choices for our lives. Either we can live by faith or by sight. We can trust in God’s abiding presence and power or we can depend upon our own resources. But wealth, like health, status, and reputation are all subject to decay and disappearance. Only one Source is always there for us and we know we can depend upon him, because he has been there for so many who have come before us. Never is forever and this particular “never” we should cherish: “Never will I forsake you!”

Prayer: Holy Father, the Great I Am, thank you for being there tomorrow before I arrive there. Thank you for being there in my past when all others forsook me. Thank you for being there when I was unaware of your presence until I looked back and saw the evidences of your grace. Please give me courage to truly believe your promises, especially this one about always being there. Your promise has made “never” a very important word for me today! Thank you. In the name of your loving Son, Jesus, I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the mo

Jeremiah 1:5 NIV = Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – JANUARY 05, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
354 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is TAKE THE CAKE DAY.  ***MARLAR: Which I would do if I knew where it was.

Today is REVIEW YOUR WRESTLING HOLDS DAY.  ***MARLAR: Today’s the day to try to get someone to let you practice all the wrestling holds you learned as a child: the hammerlock, half-nelson, flying scissors – don’t try the sleeper though, unless you’ve got an extended lunch break.

Today is NATIONAL SECONDHAND WARDROBES DAY. ***MARLAR: Which doctors have confirmed are just as dangerous as first-hand wardrobes. Actually, this is a day to encourage thrift store donations – which is a great idea! (AUDIO CLIP: Eli, “Second Hand Clothing – Part 2”)

TODAY IS ALSO…
Bird Day Link

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

FRIDAY, JANUARY 06

Epiphany or Twelfth Night
National Technology Day Link
Three Kings Day

SATURDAY, JANUARY 07

Fruitcake Toss Day Link (First Saturday)
Harlem Globetrotter’s Day
I’m Not Going To Take It Anymore Day
International Programmers’ Day Link
Orthodox Christmas
National Bobblehead Day Link
National Tempura Day Link

SUNDAY, JANUARY 08

Argyle Day
Asarah B’Tevet
Bubble Bath Day Link
Earth’s Rotation Day
National English Toffee Day  Link
Midwife’s Day or Women’s Day
National Joy Germ Day
National Sunday Supper Day Link (2nd Sunday)
No Pants Subway Ride Day Link
Show and Tell Day at Work
War on Poverty Day

MONDAY, JANUARY 09

Balloon Ascension Day Link
Law Enforcement Appreciation Day Link  Link
National Cassoulet Day
National Clean Off Your Desk Day (2nd Monday)
National Static Electricity Day Link
Panama’s Martyr Day Link

TUESDAY, JANUARY 10

League of Nations Day
National Cut Your Energy Costs Day
National Poetry at Work Day (2nd Tuesday)
Stephen Foster Day

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 11

Cigarettes Are Hazardous To Your Health Day
Learn Your Name in Morse Code Day Link
National Human Trafficking Awareness Day Link

THURSDAY, JANUARY 12

I Am A Mentor Link
Kiss A Ginger Day Link (Red Heads)
National Hot Tea Day

ON THIS DAY

1643: In the first legal divorce in the American colonies, Anne Clarke of the Massachusetts Bay Colony was granted a divorce from Denis Clarke. She accused her husband of adultery.

1925: Nellie T. Ross succeeded her late husband as governor of Wyoming, becoming the first female governor in U.S. history.

1948: Warner Brothers released the first color newsreel to be shown to movie audiences. It included pictures of the Tournament of Roses Parade and the Rose Bowl game.

1961: The TV comedy Mr. Ed, starring a talking horse, debuted in syndication. In the fall it moved to CBS. Alan Young starred as Wilbur Post, Connie Hines as his wife, Carol. Allan “Rocky” Lane was the voice of Mr. Ed. (audio clip)

1971: The New Jersey Reds defeated the Harlem Globetrotters 100-99, raising the Reds’ career record against the Globetrotters to 1 win and 2,495 losses. It was the Globetrotters’ first loss in nine years.

1972: President Richard Nixon ordered development of the space shuttle.

1975: The world’s oldest parrot, Jimmy, died in England at the age of 104.

1990: TV Guide gave its Phoney Baloney Award to the impostor who duped ABC’s 20-20 by claiming to be Buckwheat from the Our Gang comedies. The real Buckwheat, Billy Thomas, died in 1980.

1997: Transplant surgeons in Zhengzhou, China, reported that Babu, the elephant, was well on the road to recovery three months after a complicated 17-hour surgery during which they reattached his severed trunk. Babu had pulled off his trunk after it became caught in a metal window grating. The reattached snout was 16 inches shorter, but Babu was rehabbing nicely.

1998: Sonny Bono, the 1960’s pop star-turned-politician, was killed when he struck a tree while skiing in South Lake Tahoe, California. He was 62.

1998: Vandals decapitated Copenhagen’s Little Mermaid statue.

1999: A clockmaker bequeathed a fortune to the poor in his hometown of Haarlem, Netherlands, almost two centuries after his death. In 1805 Johannes Coelombie left his estate to his housekeeper, a Lutheran orphanage, and two other religious institutions with instructions that would allow an investment fund to be given to help the poor in 1999. The fund had grown to $4.9 million.

2000: The Immigration & Naturalization Service ruled that 6-year-old Elian Gonzalez belonged with his father and must be returned to Cuba.

2003: A young Colombian thief hid in a box delivered to a wealthy home but his planned burglary went wrong when suspicious security guards called in the bomb squad. Police unpacked the parcel to find a 24-year-old burglar, along with a gun, ropes, and a ski mask.

2004: After 14 years of denials, Pete Rose admitted publicly he had bet on baseball games involving his own team.

2007: Momofuku Ando, also known as “Mr. Noodle,” died at age 96 in Osaka, Japan. In 1958 Ando invented ramen noodles, still big with college students and astronauts. Ando’s “Space Ram” noodles can be eaten in zero gravity. More than 6,500 people attended his funeral.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

459: Simeon Stylites, who lived at the top of a 60-foot pillar nonstop for 36 years, dies on it “dripping with vermin.”

1066: Edward the Confessor, the only English king ever canonized a saint by the Roman Catholic Church, dies. Builder of Westminster Abbey, he was buried there January 6.

1527: Swiss Anabaptist reformer Felix Manz is drowned in punishment for preaching adult baptism, becoming the first Protestant martyred by other Protestants.

1964: Roman Catholic Pope Paul VI and Greek Orthodox Patriarch Athenagoras meet in Jerusalem, the first meeting of the two offices since 1439, more than half a millennium before .

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Margaret ‘Maddie’ Keller on “Stark Raving Mad”, Lydia DeLucca on “That’s Life”) Heather Paige Kent 47

  • Actress (“Dynasty”, “The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries”) Pamela Sue Martin, 63 (audio clip)

  • Actor (Isaac the bartender on “The Love Boat”) Ted Lange, 69 (audio clip)

  • Actress (Golden Globe for Something’s Gotta Give, Oscar for Annie Hall) Diane Keaton, 70

  • Actor (Open Range, The Godfather) Robert Duvall, 85 — Robert is an avid Tango dancer!

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1923 : Sam Phillips

1929 : Wilbert Harrison

1932 : Johnny Adams

1949 : George “Funky” Brown (Kool and the Gang)

1950 : Chris Stein (Blondie)

1964 : Grant Young (Soul Asylum)

1966 : Kate Schellenbach (Luscious Jackson)

1969 : Marilyn Manson

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why would Cinderella choose to wear glass slippers? Wouldn’t’ that be uncomfortable?

YES, very uncomfortable! In fact, today she would most likely wear sneakers. Cinderella is one of our most beloved children’s stories. Who can forget the mistreated girl who ends up with the Prince and the glass slipper? Here’s the truth though… there ain’t no glass slipper. This error came about because the most well known version of the old legend – the one from the Mother Goose stories – contains a mistranslation. The fellow who got it from the old French mistook a specific phrase (“pantouffles en vair,”) which means slippers lined with white squirrel fur, for a different but similar phrase (“pantouffles en verre,”) which translates to “slippers of glass”. White squirrel fur? Not only does she really believe that she has a fairy godmother, she’s also got squirrel boots! And you wonder why her step-sisters picked on her all of the time.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Jamie Grace was back on stage on New Years eve after a major battle with illness. She posted: tonight I’ll be singing for the first time since three ER visits, doctor visits and being treated for a severe ear infection turned bone infection. However, Jamie says her recovery is still ongoing. She added: I’ll have to sit down and won’t get to sing as much, but I’m grateful the Lord sent such great doctors, I’ve had my family to take care of me and I’m so thankful for your amazing prayers & support.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BOstos5FUqb/

Just minutes into the new year Jamie Grace posted: I haven’t showered all year.

Bill Vaughn: “Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.”

 Mercyme’s Bart Millard was taking special precautions at the end of 2016. He posted a picture in a heavy down coat while wearing a helmet and added: Due to 2016 being a tragic year for artists, this will be my attire until 2017.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BOsV2llD5sI/

New music will be available from Mandisa in 2017. She posted over the weekend: I’ll be finishing up in January for a spring 2017 release! https://twitter.com/jsboftheking70/status/814851205277028353

Tenth Avenue North front man Mike Donehey posted as he enters 2017: Every year, I search for a simple phrase to take with me every day. A sort of yearly mantra, if you will. Last year’s was “Work From Rest.” In 2017, I’m calling to mind when Jesus said, “No one will take your joy from you.” For too much of my life, I’ve figured out ways to compare myself and complain my way out of joy. Praying this would be the year His grace talks some sense into me. I pray I would daily surrender to joy.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BOu67Coje3o/

Chris August says 2016 was an incredible year. He posted: Started the year off getting married to my best friend! That’s been awesome! Got to travel around and play a ton of music. Always love that. The Dallas Cowboys are awesome. That’s been fun to watch. As far as resolutions, I want to keep pursuing after Christ, treat my wife awesome and probably workout more. The last one more than likely won’t happen too much, but the first two will be on point!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BOu8eXTgpvD/

Building 429 is praying that Isaiah 43:18 inspires you for 2017. It says “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!”

Matthew West celebrated the beginning of the new year with a live rendition of his song Day 1. He posted: It’s Day 1 of the rest of my life… a little new year serenade for all my friends! Wishing you a blessed 2017! The future has begun. Check out Matthews New Year’s Day version of the song at https://www.instagram.com/p/BOvo0yKDMUj/

Jamie Grace and her family have started a go fund me page to help fund their move to California as well as the medical expenses for her mom, Mona Harper. Mona has a rare medical condition that has caused her substantial pain much of her life. Recently Jamie announced that the entire family was moving back to California to seek better medical for her mom. The go fund me page hopes to raise $40,000 to cover the costs of the move and medical costs.

https://www.gofundme.com/mamamona&rcid=00a1c9e4225d48cab22a871e9c918421

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Police in England are praising a student driver who gave them a ride to an emergency call during a lesson. The woman was driving with her instructor in southwest London one recent evening when she noticed officers trying to flag down passing cars for help. She pulled over, picked up the cops and drove them to assist their colleagues who were struggling to detain a suspect who had run off.  ***But the cops still were too late to the scene because the woman insisted on showing them her parallel parking skills.

The New York Post is reporting that Disney took out an insurance policy just in case Carrie Fisher couldn’t complete her contract for Star Wars episodes VII, VIII, and IX.  While she did finish filming on VII and VIII, filming had not yet begun on IX.  If the insurance company does indeed pay out its $50 million value, it will be the largest single personal accident insurance claim of all time. ***Maybe it’s just me, but that sounds like a deal penned by the Dark Side.

You know those few seconds of panic when you can’t recall exactly where in the lot you parked the car? Multiply it by a couple million and you’ll know how one man in the UK felt. Back in June, our friend borrowed a buddy’s BMW in Scotland and drove south to Manchester, England to catch a concert. He parked the vehicle in one of the area’s parking garages and promptly forgot which one. After the concert, he searched for five days trying to find his friend’s vehicle before giving up. Now officers say they happened upon an abandoned car in one of the area lots just before midnight Friday and contacted the owner.  ***Great news for the car’s owner – or maybe not.  Someone has to first pay the parking fee which comes to $6,150.

The state of Michigan is putting a stop to the banning of plastic bags, saying it’s bad for business. ***So they’re not banning plastic bags… they are banning the banning of plastic bags.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Many of us – especially after washing down the last of the holiday sugar cookies with yet another cup of eggnog – resolve to revamp our exercise routines in the New Year.  Unfortunately, as earnest as the plans may be, the odds of following through are pretty dismal. A yearlong study of 3,000 people with New Year’s resolutions found that only 12 percent reached their goals.  Researchers do speculate though that any given exercise routine may be easier to stick to if it fits your personality.  ***For me, the difficult part will be finding a way to create a personal exercise routine that involves fudge and NetFlix.

One of the most enduring mysteries in history may have finally been solved. It turns out that Neil Armstrong may have actually said “One small step for a man” after all. New research indicates that people raised in central Ohio tend to blend “between words” like “for” and “a”. They say that Armstrong would have pronounced it “frrr(uh),” which combined with the less than broadcast-quality nature of the radio feed would have made sense.  ***We’re also pretty sure he said, “one giant leap for a mannequin.”  He was always a bit odd.

If you’re stressed about possibly being diagnosed with breast cancer, keep it up! According to a new British study, women with high levels of stress in their everyday lives are at less risk than others of developing breast cancer for the first time.  However, they pointed out that this theory is only speculation and needs a more thorough investigation.  ***Which is really stressing them out – and they couldn’t be more excited about that.

If you’ve tried to learn a new language before you head out on a foreign vacation and find it more difficult as you get older, scientists now say they know why. Instead of language skills deteriorating with age, as was once thought, they say the brain becomes better at filtering out sounds that we don’t use in our native language. That means we don’t recognize sounds that may be common in other languages. They say it explains why children are better at picking up languages, since their brains have yet to learn how to tune out the unneeded sounds. They say the study could lead to new ways of teaching adults foreign languages that would make them easier to learn.  ***So the older we get, the less we listen to others?  Show of hands – how many marriages does THAT explain?

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Rita the Skunk received an “A” on the first day of turning in her Accelerated Math homework. And on her second day she received a gold star! But the truth is that Rita doesn’t deserve either of those things – because she’s been manipulating her Uncle Racquet to do her homework for her… and it’s getting harder!

CLOSE: Well now, look who suddenly has in interest in learning! And look who’s having difficulty doing so! Will Rita be able to learn addition, subtraction, multiplication and long-division before school? That’s some major cramming! We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk… but one friend committed a Moment of Duh when doing so!

A man who reportedly told police he was trying to deter a friend from driving drunk by blasting the friend’s windshield with paintballs wound up in jail. In the words of Kennewick, Wash., police Sgt. Ken Lattin: “This is a very creative way to prevent someone from drinking and driving, but not legal or safe.” Responding to a nearby resident’s report of a man shooting paintballs at a car, police found the 41-year-old man, who explained his rationale. The Tri-City Herald reported the man was arrested and booked into the Benton County jail for investigation of unlawfully discharging a weapon and an unrelated misdemeanor warrant. Lattin suggested a designated driver would be a better approach.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN MEN VERSUS WOMEN SITUATIONS

10. If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a night, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

9. When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

8. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.

7. A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337… most of which a man would not be able to identify.

6. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

5. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

4. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

3. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

2. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

1. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Can the government make it illegal for you to die?  It can if you live in Brazil!

FILE #1: The mayor of a Brazilian town is trying to pass a law making it illegal for residents to die.  Mayor Roberto Pereira da Silva came up with the idea because the town’s (Biritiba-Mirim) only cemetery is full.  He wants to pass a law that would force relatives of people who die in the town face fines or even jail.  The law would make it an offense for the town’s 28,000 citizens to not look after their health properly.  ***MARLAR: I’m going to take a wild guess and say the mayor moonlights as a Fitness Center owner.

FILE #2: A Michigan woman ran in to all kinds of problems recently while attempting to rip off a Family Dollar Store. Apparently, the woman swiped an anti-theft alarm as she fled the store, and was being chased in the parking lot. In the middle of the pursuit, she dropped her purse, but she did get away. Until she called the police to claim her bag. She told them where she lost it and even agreed to go by the station to pick it up. When she did, she was promptly arrested.

FILE #3: Police said Christopher Kurtz entered the Sunset Carry Out in Toledo Ohio, and asked clerk Megan Ochmanek for two $20 bills. A nervous Ochmanek handed him one $20 bill and he grabbed three $10 bills ($50) from the cash register. Kurtz counted the money before he left and said, “I only wanted $40.” He gave her back $10. Kurtz was later caught and charged with robbery.

STRANGE LAW: In Scotland it is illegal to be a drunk in possession of a cow.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Joe Amash, a 34-year-old Albany roofer was quickly indicted on charges of criminal possession of stolen property and petit larceny.  “So what?” you might be saying.  “A thousand guys are indicted for that crime every day!”  And you’d be correct.  So why are we targeting THIS GUY? 

…What makes him so special that he’s landed a slot on my radio show? Was it because he used an allegedly stolen debit card to buy $500 worth of groceries at a Central Avenue Price Chopper?  Yes.  Was it that he was using his own Advantage card to get deeper discounts?  Yes.  How about the fact of his getting caught on the store’s videotape arguing with a checkout clerk about being overcharged – is that also part of this “Brain on Drugs” story?  Yes.  Could it have been his alibi that he got the stolen KeyBank Mastercard in a trade with a one-legged man in a bar for a bag of illegal drugs?  ABSOLUTELY.

PHONER PHUN

What tactics do you use to stay awake when driving long distances? Turn up the radio? Roll down the windows?

A Santa Fe man should have used some sort of tactic when he attempted to rob a vehicle. 18-year-old Miguel Velasquez recently used a large rock to break out glass of a 1983 Camaro that he intended to steal. Unfortunately the car wouldn’t start right away and, for reasons that no one can come up with; Miguel then fell asleep at the wheel. Police woke him up and arrested him.

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What did Naomi call herself after suffering great tragedy?
ANSWER: Mara (Ruth 1:20)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: According to Pendulum.com, 44% of people reuse this. What?

ANSWER: Tinfoil.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The Crayola crayon color “Flesh” was renamed “Peach” back in 1962. (True)

2. Robin Williams made his Hollywood lead-role debut in the movie “Hook”. (False, it was “Popeye”)

3. Hillary Clinton won a Grammy for the spoken-word version of It Takes a Village. (True)

4. 80 planets in our Solar System have rings surrounding them. (False, there are only four)

5. Philadelphia Cream Cheese wasn’t first made in the City of Brotherly Love, but rather in New York. (True)

6. Martina Navritalova was the first female to appear on a box of Wheaties cereal. (False, it was Mary Lou Retton)

7. Tweety Pie, the poor creature constantly chased by a cat named Sylvester, is a Finch. (False, he’s a canary)

8. The razor maker that used the classic slogan: “Look sharp! Feel sharp! Be sharp!” was Gillette. (True)

9. Potporri is the active ingredient in smelling salts. (False, it’s Ammonia)

10. According to the commercials, there are 7 herbs and spices in Colonel Sanders’ original recipe chicken. (False, there are eleven)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

Restaurant Offering My Little Pony ____ (BURGER)
 It’s a Dutch restaurant and yep, it’s made of horse meat. Yum, yum.

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage and requested – “I’m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?”

The marriage officer said, “Your requirements, please.”

“Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don’t go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”

The officer listened carefully and replied, “Hmmmm, I think I understand. You need a television.”

JOKE #2

Martin has just received his brand new driver’s license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says the beaming boy to his father.

“Nope,” comes Dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years.”

JOKE #3

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, “Who’s this guy on the beach with you, with all the muscles and curly hair?”

“That’s your father,” said the mother.

The boy seemed astonished as he said to his mom, “Then who’s that old baldheaded fat man that lives with us now?”

USELESS FACTS

A student sued the University of Massachusetts for giving him a “C,” but his case was thrown out of court.  ***I’m betting it was a “C” in Law 101.

Did you know:  Just as some people talk in their sleep, sign language speakers have been known to sign in their sleep.  ***If you sleep with a deaf person, if they talk in their sleep they might poke your eye out.

FEATURED FUNNIES

HAIRCUT
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.  After the man received the full treatment – shave, manicure, haircut, etc. – he placed the boy in the chair.
“I’m goin’ to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
When the boy’s haircut was done and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “It looks like your daddy forgot all about you.”
“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. “He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, ‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!'”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

YES DEAR

Think you have a bossy wife? Wait till you hear about this one!

…A group of men in New Delhi, India met to discuss the fact that their bossy wives were turning them into a bunch of wimps. Sadly, the meeting broke up and the men fled in terror when their wives showed up and pelted them with rotten tomatoes.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

I REFUSE

I refuse to be discouraged, To be sad, or to cry;
I refuse to be downhearted, and here’s the reason why:
I have a God who’s mighty, Who’s sovereign and supreme;
I have a God who loves me, and I am on His team.
He is all-wise and powerful. Jesus is His name;
Though everything is changeable, My God remains the same.
My God knows all that’s happening; Beginning to the end;
His presence is my comfort; He is my dearest Friend.
When sickness comes to weaken me, To bring my head down low,
I call upon my mighty God; Into His arms I go.
When circumstances threaten to rob me of my peace;
He draws me close unto His breast, Where all my strivings cease.
When my heart melts within me, and weakness takes control;
He gathers me into His arms, He soothes my heart and soul.
The great “I AM” is with me. My life is in His hand.
The “Son of the Lord” is my hope. It’s in His strength I stand.
I refuse to be defeated. My eyes are on my God;
He has promised to be with me, As through this life I trod.
I’m looking past all my circumstances, To Heaven’s throne above;
My prayers have reached the heart of God I’m resting in His love.
I give God thanks in everything. My eyes are on His face;
The battle’s His, the victory mine; He’ll help me win the race.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”—Philippians 4:13

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

I found a site on the Internet that made me laugh. It had a long list of songs someone had not heard correctly. The words made no sense. Here’s a sample:

The real lyrics: O beautiful for spacious skies, Misheard as: O beautiful, for spaceship guys . .

The real lyrics: through the night with the light from above. Misheard as: through the night with the light from a bulb.

The real lyrics: Love lifted me. Misheard as: Love Lipton tea.

The real lyrics: From the earth to the cross, my debt to pay. Misheard as: From the earth to the cross, my dead toupee.

The real lyrics: The cattle are lowing, the baby awakes. Misheard as: The cattle are blowing the baby away.

Some of these are hilarious. But some of them are kinda sad, especially when the lyrics are part of a song of praise to God. The Lord doesn’t want us to sing words mindlessly as if they have no meaning for us. He desires our thoughtful worship and our sincere praise, and He loves our singing (Psalm 47:6-7).

When you sing your songs of praise and worship next Sunday, remember to whom you are singing, and why you came to His house. Take the time to think about each phrase, each word. You may find even more reason to sing than you ever dreamed! –CK

LEFTOVERS

THE OTHER WHITE MEAT

Ukrainians are going crazy over the latest craze in confectionery – a bar of pure pork fat covered in chocolate.

…The finger-sized stick of the dark chocolate bar includes a vein of white fat where most candies would have butterscotch, caramel or other traditional sweets. The candies are called “Fat in Chocolate.” Oddly enough, the bars were intended to be a joke. The product pokes fun at the traditional Ukrainian snack of salo, or salted pork fat. A spokesman for the confectionery company, AO Odessa, says the “Fat in Chocolate” bars are being made as a lighthearted and self-deprecating joke for Ukrainians. While edible, they are not really meant to be eaten, the official said. ***MARLAR: Chocolate covered pork — would that be considered white or dark meat now?

LIFE… LIVE IT

Planning on interviewing for a new job in this new year? Practice up on your handshake.

A firm, solid handshake is an important part of a successful job interview, according to University of Iowa business professor Greg Stewart. Your handshake is a trigger that sets off an interviewer’s overall impression of you. In the study, students who scored high with “handshake raters” were also considered to be the most hireable by “interviewers.” Generally, students who scored high on the handshake were seen as having more extroverted personalities, so they scored better with the interviewers because of greater ease with small talk, eye contact and other social skills. But those whose handshakes were weak and wimpy generally seemed to have less gregarious personalities and were less impressive to the interviewers. This is the first study to quantify the importance of a good handshake in the job interview process.

JUST FOR FUN

HOW POLITE ARE YOU QUIZ

(Sun) Several national studies have noted that bad behavior is becoming the norm in America and courtesy is all but forgotten. Find out if you need a refresher course in proper manners by taking this short quiz:

You are late for appointments…

  • half the time
  • constantly
  • never
  • rarely

Your friend keeps answering her cell phone at the movies, and you…

  • whisper that she’s a jerk
  • grab her cell and turn it off in mid-call
  • ignore her and focus on the flick
  • suggest she go outside to talk

Someone pushes in front of you in line, and you…

  • sarcastically tell them to take a hike
  • shout for security
  • let them
  • quietly say they need to get to the back of the line

The message on your voice mail is…

  • full of street slang
  • short and abrupt
  • apologetic and begs for the caller to leave a number
  • friendly and promises a return call ASAP

Analysis:

Mostly A: You’re attitude is adding to the level of uncivil behavior. It’s time to clean up your act.

Mostly B: Your furious reaction to the rudeness of others makes you just as bad. Get a grip.

Mostly C: You’re so polite you’re a doormat. You can be gracious while standing up for your rights.

Mostly D: You strike just the right chord of being courteous to others without being overly solicitous.

FUN LIST

THE TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU’RE EATING GENETICALLY MODIFIED FOOD

  • Your Spam now has a 5-digit expiration date.
  • Family of seven, one turkey — yet everyone gets a drumstick.
  • You use the leftover chicken as a nightlight for your kid’s room.
  • “Flawlessly-Schooled-In-Etiquette Joe” was more fun when it was sloppy.
  • A SWAT team is ordering the Chalupa to drop YOU!

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

EGG-CELLENT

A team of scientists has worked out the best way to crack an egg after carrying out hundreds of experiments. The Glasgow University research team says cooks should use a medium-sized free range or barn egg and slice it with a slim, flat, blunt-edged knife with a heavy handle before gently pulling it apart. The scientists objective was to see how chefs can prevent egg shell dropping into whatever it is you are cooking. They carried out various test on eggs of all shapes and sizes and used numerous types of knives and kitchen gadgets. The team also discovered that using a dentist’s drill was the best, if not the most convenient, way of cracking eggs.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Want to live longer? Get a woman doctor. That’s the conclusion of a new Harvard study that found elderly patients are less likely to die if they are treated by a woman. In fact, if all doctors performed as well as women doctors, some 32,000 lives would be saved each year. And female docs are pulling this off while being paid less and promoted less often than men! So why is this? Study lead author Dr. Ashish Jha said, “The data out there says that women physicians tend to be a little bit better at sticking to the evidence and doing the things that we know work better.” Previous research has shown “female physicians have a more patient-centered communication style, are more encouraging and reassuring, and have longer visits than male physicians.” (NBC News)

Getting food delivered sure is convenient but it is also a surefire way to gain weight. According to a study in the journal Management Science, if you place an order on the phone or online and have it delivered, you are likely to buy about 100 calories more food than if you order it in person. It is the anonymity of not having to face a potentially judgmental server that frees customers up to pile on the extra food, researchers concluded. “Alone in your home, you do not face the same judgment about food choices you would when you are out,” says study head Ryan McDevitt, Ph.D. but if you must call it in, he says, “Avoid overindulging by placing the order while around family members.” (Men’s Fitness)

A fun suggestion from Bible Meets Life for learning scripture with your family in 2017. They suggest: Play a game as a family – at every red light on your next car ride say the verse out loud together. Pick a new verse each week or month throughout the year.

Want to be kinder in 2017? Focus on the Family is encouraging you to join their 30-day Kindness Challenge! The challenge focus’ on targeted kindness to improve a specific relationship or make a good one great. Simply pick a person for whom you want to do the Challenge for thirty days.

http://www.jointhekindnesschallenge.com/focus

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I refuse to eat any more Thanksgiving leftovers. I made up my mind I’m quitting cold turkey.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

DECEMBER 16, 2016 thru JANUARY 01, 2017…

 Why Him?—James Franco takes on the role of the son-in-law from Hades. Who would want him?  The daughter of Bryan Cranston, that’s who. The daughter is played by Zoey Deutch. Franco has lots of money, but acts and dresses like a scarecrow. “Why Him?” is rated R. No rating.

A Monster Calls—(now opening from an earlier date) A young boy (Lewis MacDougall) finds that his mother is quite ill.  He doesn’t know how to cope and it doesn’t help that his grandmother (Sigourney Weaver) is not a sympathetic person. What to do? Here comes a “monster” in the shape of a large tree (voice of Liam Neeson) to help the boy. “A Monster Calls” is rated PG. Rating of 3 and bring hanky. 

Manchester By The Sea—A story of grief, several times over, loss and trying to cope are all in this film that suits actor Casey Affleck fine. He plays Lee, who suddenly finds himself guardian to a teenage nephew when Lee’s brother (Kyle Chandler) and the boy’s father dies. What to do? Face up to life or keep trudging along. “Manchester By The Sea” is rated R. Rating of 3. Bring hanky.

Neruda—Luis Gnecco stars as the famed Spanish poet who finds his past membership in the early Communist party comes back to haunt him.  Also in the cast are Gael Garcia Bernal, Alfredo Castro and Mercedes Morau. “Neruda” is rated R. Subtitles. No rating.

Passengers—A science fiction film of trying to help humanity…in a big way. Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Pratt star as two people, among many, who are traveling in deep sleep to another planet.  When something awakens the two, they realize something is very wrong and they have to help…and fight. “Passengers” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Sing—This animated film concerns a singing contest…with animals.  Yes, there is a mother pig (voice of Reese Witherspoon), the theater owner, a koala bear (voice of Matthew McConaughey) and a rockin’ porcupine (Scarlett Johansson). You can imagine what happens during the contest. Also lending their voices are Seth MacFarlane, Tori Kelly, Taron Egerton and Nick Kroll.  “Sing” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for fans.

(Opening moved ahead from an earlier date) The Space Between Us—On a colonization voyage to Mars, it is discovered that one of the female astronauts is pregnant.  This results in the first child, a boy, being born on Mars, but in that atmosphere, gravity, etc. Fast forward to teen years, and the kid (Asa Butterfield) knows about Earth and even has a girl friend, Britt Robertson (Skype) he communes with.  However, something happens and Asa ends up on Earth. “The Space Between Us” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Gold—Try, just try to recognize Matthew McConaughey in the role of Kenny Wells who goes to Borneo to find gold. You read that right.  His girlfriend, Bryce Dallas Howard, faithfully follows him.  People will do just about anything to get rich in a hurry.  Also in the cast are Edgar Ramirez and Corey Stoll. “Gold” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Hidden Figures—This is an unusual title for a film and another might have better explained the film’s content.  It is about three black women who are top mathematicians and work to put the first space flights and astronauts into earth orbit and beyond. Prejudice is prevalent here. Stars include Taraji P. Henson, Octavia Spencer and Janelle Monae. “Hidden Figures” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3.

Paterson—Adam Driver (“Star Wars”) is a bus driver whose name is Paterson and he lives in Paterson, N. J. The film concerns a week in his life and how he and his wife (Golshiften Farahani) handle problems. “Paterson” is rated R. No rating.

Jackie—Now opening from an earlier date, Natalie Portman stars as Jackie Kennedy in the few days before the funeral of President Kennedy. Portman takes the role and goes with it to bring you into that era of assassination of a  president and the aftermath in the country and his family. Also in the cast are Peter Sarsgaard and Billy Crudup. “Jackie” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans. Bring hanky.

Live By Night—Ben Affleck stars and directs this movie about gangsters and their rise to the top in Boston.  Based on a Dennis Lehane novel and set in the 1920’s. There is back-stabbing, love and the rest of crimes included. Also starring in the film are Sienna Miller, Elle Fanning and Zoe Saldana. “Live By Night” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

20th Century Women—Annette Bening shines in this film of three generations of women in the mid-1970’s and how they cope with changing times. The cast includes Elle Fanning (great work), and Greta Gerwig. Wonderful soundtrack, too.  “20th Century Women” is rated R for sexual content. Rating of 2.

A Kind Of Murder—Here is another adaptation of a Patricia Highsmith novel. The film stars Patrick Wilson and Jessica Biel who are not happy in their marriage. Along comes Eddie Marsan, whose wife has passed away and they become friends.  However, suspicion lurks here.  “A Kind Of Murder” is rated R. No rating.

Julieta—This is a Spanish language film directed by Pedro Almodovar. It concerns a mother’s (Emma Svarez)  search for a missing daughter. Also in the cast are Daniel Grao and Adriana Ugarte. “Julieta” is rated R. No rating.

Collateral Beauty—Will Smith plays a man who has suffered a tragedy in his life. His friends worry about him and decide to help, though in unconventional ways. Also in the cast are Helen Mirren and Edward Norton. “Collateral Beauty” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Fences—The stars of this film, Denzel Washington and Viola Davis, already have Tony’s for their roles in the Broadway version.  Now, Washington stars and directs this film that is set in the middle 1960’s and tells how working class African-Americans cope with problems. August Wilson wrote the play. “Fences” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

The Founder—Ray Kroc made McDonalds a global name with unique marketing. However, the real founders were the McDonald brothers (played by Nick Offerman and John Carroll).  Kroc is played by Michael Keaton. This is a study in how to build a business, ruthless though it may be. “The Founder” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story—Felicity Jones is the female lead in this “stand alone” story in the “Star Wars” saga. The story is about when the Death Star was being built and the Rebels were trying to get the plans. Also in the cast are Ben Mendelssohn and Riz Ahmed. Get your light sabers ready. “Rogue One: A Star Wars Story” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

Assassins Creed—This film is yet another adaptation of a game board.  Here, Michael Fassbinder takes on the role of a man in the 15th century Aguilar) and at the same time, in this century (Callum). Those fighting outfits are reminiscent of “The Arrow.” Also in the cast are Marion Cotilliard and Jeremy Irons. “Assassins Creed” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Note: ”Patriots’s Day” and “Silence” are now set to open the middle of January, 2017.

Happy New Year 2017. – Marie Asner

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