January 06, 2017: Friday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170106

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Warning. Parts of today’s (JOCK SHOW) have been recalled by the manufacturer–due to a tendency to veer off course, lose control, and leak vital fluids.

The first battle of the day is this… mind over mattress.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Anyone who calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved.” –Romans 10:13

No one has ever seen God, but God the One and Only, who is at the Father’s side, has made him known. — John 1:18

But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. — Psalm 3:3

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

My soul yearns for you in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for you. Isaiah 26:9

Thought: When a young couple in love is apart, they long to be with each other again. When a parent is separated from his or her child, the parent misses the child intensely. When a spouse can no longer be with a long time marriage partner because of disease, death, or divorce, that person’s soul can ache to be reunited to the one they have loved. Do you recognize your spirit aching to be with God? Do you end each day and begin the next longing to be in the presence of God? Let’s recognize our God-hunger and not only satisfy it by spending time in his presence, but let’s also communicate our desire, affection, and need for the presence of our heavenly Father in our lives.

Prayer: Holy and righteous Father, I do ache to be in your presence. I know the piece of my soul that sometimes I feel is missing can only be found in you. Please, dear Father, be very real and present to me in my life today. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the mo

Philippians 1:6 NIV = being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – JANUARY 06, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
353 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL SHORTBREAD DAY.  ***Which is all well and fine, but why do the vertically challenged breads get their own holiday?

Today is NATIONAL CUDDLE UP DAY.  ***And with the weather as it is, you might want to consider Cuddle Up Day just to stay warm!

Tonight is TWELFTH NIGHT, the evening before Epiphany, marking the end of medieval Christmas festivities.  ***Yep, this is the night you give to your true love those twelve drummers drumming.

Today is SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK DAY. In 1973, the animated lesson series “Schoolhouse Rock” premiered on ABC-TV.  ***I almost failed my 9th grade Social Studies class – but Schoolhouse Rock saved me.  We were required to recite aloud, in front of the entire class, the Preamble to the U.S. Constitution.  I am TERRIBLE with memorization (not to mention a terrible procrastinator as well), so when I walked in on the last day of the oral presentations I almost freaked… until I remembered the Schoolhouse Rock ditty with the words to the Preamble!  (Whew!)  Downside… I couldn’t recite it.  The only way I could remember it was to sing it out loud in front of the entire class.  I got an “A” on the test… but only a “C-” for my vocal ability. (audio clip)

TODAY IS ALSO…
National Technology Day Link
Three Kings Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

SATURDAY, JANUARY 07

Fruitcake Toss Day Link (First Saturday)
Harlem Globetrotter’s Day
I’m Not Going To Take It Anymore Day
International Programmers’ Day Link
Orthodox Christmas
National Bobblehead Day Link
National Tempura Day Link

SUNDAY, JANUARY 08

Argyle Day
Asarah B’Tevet
Bubble Bath Day Link
Earth’s Rotation Day
National English Toffee Day  Link
Midwife’s Day or Women’s Day
National Joy Germ Day
National Sunday Supper Day Link (2nd Sunday)
No Pants Subway Ride Day Link
Show and Tell Day at Work
War on Poverty Day

MONDAY, JANUARY 09

Balloon Ascension Day Link
Law Enforcement Appreciation Day Link  Link
National Cassoulet Day
National Clean Off Your Desk Day (2nd Monday)
National Static Electricity Day Link
Panama’s Martyr Day Link

TUESDAY, JANUARY 10

League of Nations Day
National Cut Your Energy Costs Day
National Poetry at Work Day (2nd Tuesday)
Stephen Foster Day

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 11

Cigarettes Are Hazardous To Your Health Day
Learn Your Name in Morse Code Day Link
National Human Trafficking Awareness Day Link

THURSDAY, JANUARY 12

I Am A Mentor Link
Kiss A Ginger Day Link (Red Heads)
National Hot Tea Day

FRIDAY, JANUARY 13

Friday the 13th

Blame Someone Else Day
Make Your Dream Come True Day Link
National Sticker Day Link
Public Radio Broadcasting Day

SATURDAY, JANUARY 14

Caesarean Section Day
Eagle Day
International Kite Day
Dress Up Your Pet Day Link
National Vision Board Day (2nd Saturday)
Organize Your Home Day Link
Ratification Day

SUNDAY, JANUARY 15

Alpha Kappa Alpha Day

Annoy Squidward Day (aka Your Boss) Link  (SpongeBob Squarepants)
Humanitarian Day
National Sanctity of Human Life Day (or Pro-Life Day): Link
World Religion Day Link

MONDAY, JANUARY 16

Appreciate A Dragon Day
Civil Service Day
Fig Newton Day Link  Link
Martin Luther King Day
National Crowd Feed Day
National Day of Service Link
Nothing Day
Religious Freedom Day Link
Without A Scalpel Day Link  Link

ON THIS DAY

548: The Church in Jerusalem observed the birth of Jesus for the last time on this date. Celebrating Christmas on December 25th began in the late 300s in the Western Church.

1412: According to tradition, Joan of Arc was born in Domremy, France.

1759: George Washington married widow Martha Dandridge Custis.

1936: Barbara Hanley became major of Webbwood, Ontario–Canada’s first woman mayor.

1945: Future president George H.W. Bush married Barbara Pierce in Rye, New York.

1975: The TV game show “Wheel of Fortune” debuted on NBC. The host was Chuck Woolery; the letter-turner was Susan Stafford.

1976: Ted Turner purchased the Atlanta Braves for a reported $12-million.

1988: Father Alvaro Fernandez died in Spain at age 108. He had retired at Santiago Abres less than a year earlier after serving 68 years as parish priest.

1989: Singer Madonna and actor Sean Penn announced they were getting a divorce.

1991: Bakers at the Hyatt Regency Hotel in Guadalajara, Mexico, set a world record by baking a Rosca 3,491 feet 9 inches long. A Rosca de Reyes is a twisted bread loaf.

1992: Farmer Derek Allen of Rampisham, England, reported the tin roof of his pigsty was picking up BBC Radio, and that his pigs seemed to pay special attention to the news bulletins.

1993: A Grapevine, Texas, man was arrested for stealing a TV set from a home. He would have made a clean getaway, but he went back to get the remote control.

1994: Figure skater Nancy Kerrigan was clubbed on the right leg by an assailant at Cobo Arena in Detroit. Four men, including the ex-husband of Kerrigan’s rival, Tonya Harding, were sentenced to prison for the attack.

1996: San Francisco police recaptured an escaped prisoner when he dialed 911 by mistake instead of 411 for directory assistance. Officers responding to the 911 call said they were suspicious when they noticed the man’s shirt said “Property of the San Mateo County Jail.”

1999: Bob Newhart received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

2001: Vice President Al Gore presided as Congress formally certified George W. Bush the winner of the closely contested 2000 presidential election.

2003: A 20-ounce hamburger debuted New York City’s Old Homestead restaurant, the first burger ever on the menu at the 135-year-old steakhouse. At $41, it was the most expensive hamburger in the city. It came with fries.

2004: A London newspaper said Princess Diana claimed in a letter written 10 months before her 1997 death that Prince Charles was plotting to kill her.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

548: This was the last year the Church in Jerusalem observed the birth of Jesus on this date. (Celebrating Christmas on December 25th began in the late 300s in the Western Church.)

1494: The first mass in America was celebrated in the Roman Catholic church on Isabella Island in Haiti. This was the first church established in the New World, founded by Christopher Columbus.

1850: Future renowned English Baptist preacher, Charles H. Spurgeon was converted to a living faith at age 16, in a Methodist chapel.

1924: In England, the first worship service heard over over radio was aired by the BBC. The service was conducted by H. R. L. Sheppard at St. Martin-in-the-Fields Church, in London.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (The Program, “Mallrats”, Bio-Dome, Big Daddy) Joey Lauren Adams 46

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1838 : Max Bruch

1924 : Earl Scruggs (The Bluegrass Boys, The Foggy Mountain Boys)

1929 : Wilbert Harrison (Canned Heat)

1934 : Bobby Lord

1935 : Nino Tempo

1937 : Doris Troy

1944 : Van McCoy

1946 : Syd Barrett (Pink Floyd)

1947 : Sandy Denny (Fairport Convention)

1951 : Kim Wilson (Fabulous Thunderbirds)

1953 : Malcolm Mitchell Young (AC/DC) in Glasgow, Scotland. Guitarist

1959 : Kathie Sledge (Sister Sledge)

1959 : Neil Simpson (The Climax Blues Band)

1963 : Jazzie B (Soul II Soul)

1964 : Mark O’Toole (Frankie Goes To Hollywood)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do so many military uniforms have a stripe down the side of each pant leg?

At one time, military trousers were made to fit so tightly that buttons down the sides of legs were needed to enable the wearer to get his feet through. To hide these buttons, tailors began putting strips of cloth, usually of a different color, over them. This led to the idea of stripes on military trousers.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Traveling should be much easier for Jordan Feliz in 2017. In his first decade of touring, Jordan says he’s gone through two Ford vans and 2 bands, spending over 200 days away from home in 2016 alone. But all that is about to change. For the first time Jordan has been able to lease a tour bus of his own. He posted: this is seriously a life changing thing for 2017 and the future, not just for my band and I because we actually get to sleep, but also because my wife and daughter, Jamie and Jolie, get to start to travel more with me! Jordan added: I have been walking on the bus yelling Thank you Jesus all day! Can’t begin tell you how thankful I am for this new season. 

 

Mandisa wants to know your list of favorite romantic comedies. Her list is: 1. Sleepless in Seattle 2. You’ve Got Mail 3. Hitch

 

A suggestion from Plumb: Today, think of 5 things you appreciate about your spouse and tell them. Just do it. Her top 5 include: 1. He loves our kids like crazy 2. He is great at problem solving 3. He is a resource for so many about so much 4. He almost always has a good attitude 5. He tolerates me on a long car ride after I ate deviled eggs.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BOmvF3QDRlm/

 

Brandon Heath says 2017 is a milestone year. He posted a picture with some of his high school friends and added: 2017 is 20 years since I graduated. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BOkaFoiBV5E/

 

A life changing gift this week for Third Day’s Mark Lee. He posted: Moving forward my life will be divided into two distinct eras: before I got the Bacon Express, and after I got the Bacon Express. Who knew that a device designed to cook bacon would have that much of an impact?

 

Where would you choose to go for your birthday dinner? For Third Day front man Mac Powell the restaurant of choice was the Waffle House.

 

An interesting word picture from Casting Crowns Megan Garrett; she posted: Ever experienced a 140 lb English Mastiff with diarrhea? Hint: Imagine an indoor cow pasture (my house)…and an angry farmer (me). Not something any of us want to experience!

 

More on the next album from Jamie Grace. She announced this week that her latest project will be titled: The Happy Song. It will release on February 24.

 

The members of Tenth Avenue North now have their own official TENTH AVENUE NORTH TRADING CARDS!! You can collect all 5 at their merch table on the Winterjam Tour and get a FREE gift from the band. As an added bonus, if you find the Golden Followers card, you will win a private meet and greet with the band backstage, that day. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BO0bFJRlmVw/

 

MercyMe front man Bart Millard is doing his best to look at the glass as half-full. He posted: at least when you get a cold it makes you sound like Barry White.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Amanda Nunes, who took out Ronda Rousey in 48 seconds at UFC 207, says Rousey has always been overrated and that she doesn’t understand how Rousey ever won a fight. ***It’s a good thing Ronda Rousey also has an acting career.  In fact, this summer she stars in the remake of “Gone in 60 Seconds.”

Janet Jackson gave birth to a baby boy on Tuesday: Eissa Al Mana.  ***Eee-eye-suh, all manna… Eye-say, al mayna… oh, for cryin’ out loud.

Megyn Kelly is leaving the Fox News Channel to join NBC News.  ***I heard about directly from Donald Trump’s Twitter account.

George Michael’s music sales have gone up 2,678% since his death. ***Do you hear that, Rick Springfield?  The key to your career comeback is to kick the bucket!

A guy named Bo Williams was just elected sheriff of Roane County, West Virginia, but his victory celebration may be very short lived. Williams is already facing removal from office after being arrested just three days into the job for stealing methamphetamine from the evidence locker. He is accused of stealing more than $1,000 in evidence, the majority of which was meth, at his previous job as an officer in Spencer, West Virginia. Evidence bags with case numbers matching the missing evidence were found in his desk and car. The Roane County Commission voted Tuesday to remove their new sheriff, citing a law that allows them to do so for drunkenness or drug addiction. Williams left jail on $50,000 bond ahead of a court appearance next week, and faces up to 10 years in prison. ***There’s a new sheriff in town… AND IT’S NOT YOU ANYMORE!

Finland launched a two-year experiment this week to provide its citizens with a basic income, regardless of their employment status. ***So even if you never contribute a thing to society, you still get paid. It’s like being a Kardashian.

Wall Street is expecting the value of Starbucks to surpass the value of McDonald’s this year. ***Not in my eyes.  Starbucks will not be more valuable than McDonald’s until they come out with a $1 menu.

A California company is building doomsday shelters in South Dakota for the wealthy to survive apocalyptic events like nuclear war. ***Or the Trump presidency.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

If you’re one of the 44% of people who made a New Year’s resolution, don’t feel bad if you’re already stumbling. Experts that by January 14 over a third of resolution-makers will have quit. By February 1st about 6 in 10 will still be at it.  ***January 14th?  I’ve already given up.  On January 1st I resolved to lose weight… by January 4th I was the couch with a big bag of Baby Ruth candy bars.

For decades, health officials have battled malaria with insecticides, bed nets and drugs. Now, scientists say there might be a potent new tool to fight the deadly mosquito-borne disease: the stench of human feet.  In a laboratory study, researchers found that mosquitoes infected with the tropical disease were more attracted to human odors from a dirty sock than those that didn’t carry malaria. Insects carrying malaria parasites were three times more likely to be drawn to the stinky stockings.  ***That’s why people in those countries go barefoot.  They’re not necessarily poor – they’re just avoiding bug bites.

Decades of studies show the long-term cost benefits of dollar coins over paper money, but the U.S. still hasn’t switched. ***It’s mostly churchgoing folks that have an issue with this.  They want to look good by placing folding money into the offering plate when it passes in front of them to appear generous – and making dollar coins would ruin that.

Tattoos seem to becoming more and more popular… with everyone except employers.  With the job market recovering but still shaky, people with tattoos are finding it even harder to get hired, prompting them to reconsider their body art.  According to The Patient’s Guide, a website comprised of 25 niche publications dedicated to skin care, laser tattoo removal has increased 32 percent over the past year, with many citing employment as a main reason for the treatment.  ***In fact, if you plan on getting a neck tattoo, you might as well just have it say “I’m not getting the job, am I?”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Racquet the Skunk’s niece, Rita, had been manipulating her uncle Racquet to do her Accelerated Math homework for her. But now she’s in a bind, because tomorrow, in front of the entire class, she has to show long division on the black board… but she doesn’t even know addition or subtraction yet!

CLOSE: Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Acting out today’s Moment of DUH could get you labeled a Grinch – and possibly kicked out of your church!

Four teens in Sayerville, NJ stole 27 baby Jesus statues from nativity scenes outside churches and homes and planned to burn them.  Like most of our Moment of Duh subjects, the reasons are usually multi-layered.  Stealing one baby Jesus isn’t enough, apparently – but an obscure number like 27 puts you at the top of the list of inDUHviduals.  Then you get to the subject of “layers” of DUH.  Usually that can be found in the “why” of an event.  In this one, for example, “why” they did it would place them in DUH territory by itself:  “We just wanted to see their heads burning,” one of them said.  And you can see what I mean – that statement is just plain brilliant.  Genius doesn’t fall very far from the tree either.  Robert Olsen, father of Christopher, one of the thief-geniuses, said of his unemployed/high school dropout/already-on-probation-for-a-disorderly-persons-offense-for-a-“disagreement-with-a-neighbor”-son, “Chris is sometimes misguided”.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN LESSONS OF NOAH

10. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.

9. Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

8. Don’t listen to critics — do what has to be done.

7. Build on high ground.

6. For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.

5. Two heads are better than one.

4. Speed isn’t always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.

3. If you can’t fight or flee — float!

2. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

1. Don’t forget that we’re all in the same boat.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Guns bad… tight jeans, even worse! 

FILE #1: Blame it on the tight jeans.  That’s Sean Eldon Duvall’s response to charges he pointed a loaded pistol at a Southwest Pennsylvania Regional police detective. According to court documents, the officer asked Duvall if he needed help. Duvall says he was just stopping at friend’s house to play chess. Duvall told the officer he had a concealed carry permit for his gun, which was lying on the seat of his car. Duvall says he couldn’t carry the gun as required, because his jeans were too tight. The detective charges the gun was hidden under papers and aimed at him. Duvall says he didn’t purposely point the gun at the officer. Duvall will tell his story to a judge in a couple of weeks.

FILE #2: Police found what they thought was Neil Beaton’s body in an Anchorage, Alaska alley. His wallet was found on the dead man so police told Mr. Beaton’s family he had died. The problem was Beaton wasn’t dead. Apparently the dead man had stolen Beaton’s wallet. Unfortunately this information was not found out until after his grieving relatives planned Beaton’s funeral. The family only found out he was alive when they phoned Beaton’s girlfriend. She informed them that not only he was alive, but he was out playing bingo.

FILE #3: Reading is a good way to pass the time while traveling — like on a plane or train, but probably not while you are driving. 37-year-old Bettina Smallman was seen driving erratically down a street in Brockville, Ontario. Police, believing she might be intoxicated, attempted to pull her over. When she finally did, police found that she wasn’t drunk, just extremely engrossed in a book she was reading — while driving!! Not only was she distracted from driving but it took her awhile before she noticed the officer signaling to her to pull over.

STRANGE LAW: In France, pet owners may not name their pigs Napoleon.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

How drunk must you be to ask a 12-year-old to drive you home?

A New Zealand man persuaded a 12-year-old boy to drive him home because he was too drunk. Wilfred Waihape told the youngster to get behind the wheel because he was too inebriated to drive himself. Wilfred was arrested, fined $1,300 and disqualified from driving for six months. Police had spotted the car, and its young driver, and began to follow it. Wilfred was stopped, breathalyzed and was over the limit. He said he was just letting the boy drive his car. Judge Noel Walsh said the defendant had forced the boy to drive because he himself was too drunk. The judge added he was seriously concerned about the boy’s future if Wilfred was his role model.

PHONER PHUN

The worst date you’ve ever been on – what was it for you? Mine was when I was about 23 years old. A co-worker at the bank I was working for finally convinced me to go out with his 20-year-old daughter, and halfway through the date the girl starts complaining loudly about our black waiter saying she doesn’t trust “those people” and insists the manager find us a new waiter. My co-worker had neglected to inform me that his daughter was a hot -headed, verbally-abusive racist. The date ended ten minutes later.

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: In what two books of the Bible do we find the phrase, “Be not weary in well doing”?

ANSWER: 2 Thessalonians and Galatians

  • 2 Thessalonians 3:13 = But ye, brethren, be not weary in well doing.
  • Galatians 6:9 = And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Early prototypes for this machine used an automobile air conditioning unit. What?

ANSWER: The Slurpee machine! (Source: Slurpee.com)

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Approximately 5-million pounds of De Beer diamonds went down with the Titanic in 1912. (True)

2. Michaelangelo’s painting of spaghetti, wine, fruit, and bread was a shopping list for his cook, who was unable to read. (True!)

3. If a frog keeps its mouth open too long, it will suffocate. (True)

4. Former President Andrew Jackson married his wife while she was still legally married to a different man. (True)

5. The human liver can regenerate itself even if portions of it are removed. (True)

6. There are 190 squares on a Scrabble board. (False, there are 225)

7. If you smell fresh-cut cucumbers in the forest, you should run away. (True… the poisonous copperhead snake smells like fresh-cut cucumbers! Weird!)

8. Lipstick is made with fish scales. (True… wanna go to the powder room now?)

9. Chickens can fly for up to one-minute but rarely do. (False – the record is only 13 seconds)

10. Texas is the only state that flies its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag. (Truth)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_______ CLOUDS MOVE ACROSS RUSSIA (ALIEN)

RUSSIA – Alien spaceships, disguised as clouds, are moving across Russia and England – and parts of Asia.

Several Russian has captured an unexplained phenomenon streaking rapidly across the sky.  Several videos were posted on YouTube on Christmas Eve.

There have been over a hundred sightings of the cloudy orbs moving quickly across the Russian skies.  In one film the UFO is seen against a blue sky as it hovers above a metal structure.

Later it is spotted during the evening as it moves over a block of flats.  The spaceships seem to change shape and often appear to be much larger than the buildings they are hovering above.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”
The guard replies, “They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.”
“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”
The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”

JOKE #2

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral.



“Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls Royce,” the man said.

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000. 

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.

“That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest,” the loan officer said.

The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. 



“Wait sir,” the loan officer said, “while you were gone I learned that you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?” 



The man smiled. “Where else could I park my Rolls Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?”

JOKE #3

“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. 



“Keep it,” the cop said, “when you collect four of them you get a bicycle.”

USELESS FACTS

A Danish clinic that offers treatment for people suffering from pathological gambling and Internet addiction has now also begun helping people addicted to text messaging.  ***I wonder if I can take my first session over the cell phone.

Falling in love can act as a potent painkiller. ***So I’m hoping that falling in love with this candy bar will take the pain away from my toothache.

FEATURED FUNNIES

TOP SCIENTIFIC THEORIES

An American magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to submit new scientific theories on ANY subject. Below are the winners:
5th place (Subject: Probability Theory) If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare in Braille.
4th place (Subject: Bio-Mechanics) Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your head unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.
3rd place (Subject: Symbolic Logic) The Chinese are technologically underdeveloped because each of their alphabetical characters represents a whole word or phrase, rather than a single letter. Thus they cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.
2nd place (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics) Deforestation may cause earthquakes, tidal waves, or even the total destruction of our planet. Just as a figure-skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting down of tall trees may cause the Earth to spin dangerously fast on its axis with disastrous results.
Winner (Subject: Perpetual Motion) When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat’s back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

CHAINED BY LOVE

Can you find that special someone behind bars – when you are also behind bars?

You know it’s true love when a pair of convicted murderers, who exchanged wedding vows at the Guam Department of Corrections, will spend the rest of their lives in separate living quarters – and they got married anyway! Although it is not uncommon for inmates to marry people from outside the prison, this was the first time inmates had married each other, according to the prison chaplain. Vincent Palomo and Marianne Dulana were married in the prison chapel, after they met during an inmate education course. Before exchanging vows, both had to undergo eight months of psychological testing.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

PRISON

I read of a man who was involved in a tragic accident. He lost both legs and his left arm and only a finger and thumb remained on the right hand. There was only enough left of the man that had been to suffer and remember.

But he still possessed a brilliant mind, enriched with a good education and broadened with world travel. At first he thought there was nothing he could do but remain a helpless sufferer.

A thought came to him. It was always nice to receive letters, but why not write them he could still use his right hand with some difficulty. But whom could he write to? Was there anyone shut in and incapacitated like he was who could be encouraged by his letters. He thought of men in prison they did have some hope of release whereas he had none but it was worth a try.

He wrote to a Christian organization concerned with prison ministry. He was told that his letters could not be answered it was against prison rules, but he commenced this one sided correspondence.

He wrote twice a week and it taxed his strength to the limit. But into those letters he put his whole soul, all his experience, all his faith, all his wit, and all his Christian optimism. It must have been hard writing those letters, often in pain, and particularly when there was no reply.

Frequently he felt discouraged and was tempted to give it up. But it was his one remaining activity and he resolved to continue as long as he could.

At last he got a letter. It was very short, written on prison stationery by the officer whose duty it was to censor the mail. All it said was: “Please write on the best paper you can afford. Your letters are passed from cell to cell till they literally fall to pieces.”

No matter what our personal situation is, we still have God-given gifts and talents, experience, and encouragement that we can share with others.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

THE SCAR STUDY

A scientific researcher gathered 10 volunteers for a special psychological study called the Scar Experiment. Separating the volunteers into 10 different cubicles without mirrors, she explained that the purpose of the study was to examine how other people would respond to a stranger with a physical deformity, such as a facial scar. Using makeup tricks straight out of Hollywood, the scientist put bloody and gruesome scars on each volunteer’s left cheek. She showed each volunteer the new “scar” with a small hand-held mirror and then put the mirror away. The researcher’s final step in each cubicle was to tell each volunteer that she needed to put some finishing powder on his or her scar to prevent it from smearing. In reality, she used a tissue to wipe off the scar. The volunteers, however, believed they still had scars on their faces. Each volunteer was then sent out into the waiting rooms of different medical offices with instructions to notice how strangers in the office responded to the scar. After the appointed time, all 10 volunteers returned with the same report. They noticed that strangers were more rude to them, less kind to them, and stared at their “scar.”
Preoccupied with our personal flaws (physical or otherwise), we often assume that other people consider our flaws as repulsive as we do. In reality, most people hardly notice the things we think are wrong with us. Because our flaws consume us, we may act toward others as if they disapproved of us. That makes it hard to form friendships.
On the other hand, having a healthy self-image or taking a positive view of ourselves frees us to enjoy healthier relationships.

Ultimately, of course, a healthy self-image comes from knowing that God thinks highly of you. He created you and loves you as his child. When you take time to listen to God’s voice telling you who you really are, you will be less likely to worry about what others think of you.

Edited from Still More Hot Illustrations for Youth Talks by Wayne Rice.

LEFTOVERS

DUCK ROYALE

Think only babies like rubber duckies? Think again – the Queen of England bathes with one!

Sales of rubber ducks have shot up after it was revealed the Queen of England has one in her bathtub during bathtime.  Asda (the manufacturers of the rubber ducks), rushed an extra 80,000 yellow ducks out to their stores after a flood of inquiries. It had been reported a decorator had seen a rubber duck sporting an inflatable crown in the Queen’s bathroom. Shoppers are apparently following Her Majesty’s lead. Asda’s customer services department has had scores of people asking if they sell rubber ducks, and the store is putting in extra orders for ducks to meet the demand. The toys are being displayed on shelves bearing a crown and the words: “As seen in all the best baths.”  (audio clip)

LIFE… LIVE IT

Want an easy way to lose weight, ladies? Just avoid the impulse items!

According to a recent study from IHL, the average American woman could lose up to 4.1 pounds in a year by not purchasing impulse items, such as chocolate candies, chips and soda, once they are in the checkout line. Men could lose an average of 3.1 pounds doing the same thing. While women have an overall higher average, men under 25 are the heaviest consumers of caloric impulse items, consuming enough each year for an additional eight pounds.

JUST FOR FUN

UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT

Ever receive a speeding ticket and your parents found out about it?  What did they do?  I guarantee you they didn’t do what one father did to his son!
What did your dad do when you went home and told him that you got a speeding ticket? Make you pay it? Ground you? Hang your car up on a tree? When 16 year old Stephen Cost of Alabaster, Alabama received his third ticket in a month, his dad suspended his pickup truck in the air! Alan Cost used a backhoe to lift the truck’s back end several feet into the air and chained it to a tree to keep it there. He also put a sign in the window that read, “May be for sale!”  ***MARLAR: So your son breaks the law and it’s the truck that gets the gallows.

FUN LIST

CALLING IN SICK

Whether it’s personal errands, catching up on sleep or simply relaxing, Americans are using sick time for more than just the common cold.  More than one-third of U.S. workers say they played hooky from work over the last twelve months in the recent CareerBuilder.com survey.  35 percent of workers admit to calling in sick when they felt well at least once during the last year. One-in-ten said they did so three or more times.  And, employees are becoming more crafty with their excuses. Employers told CareerBuilder some of the most unusual excuses they have heard. They include:

  • “I was sprayed by a skunk.”
  • “I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.”
  • “I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.”
  • “I forgot to come back to work after lunch.”
  • “I couldn’t find my shoes.”
  • “I hurt myself bowling.”
  • “I was spit on by a venomous snake.”
  • “I totaled my wife’s jeep in a collision with a cow.”
  • “My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.”
  • “I eloped.”
  • “My cat unplugged my alarm clock.”
  • “I had to be there for my husband’s grand jury trial.”

***MARLAR: And a few more I’d like to personally add to the list…

  • I won’t be in today. My fish is sick and I need to take it to the vet.
  • Can’t make it in. I have a chance of filling in for someone on jury duty.
  • I can’t come into work today because of eye trouble…. I can’t see myself working today.
  • I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
  • I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.
  • I’m not coming to work today because my computer has got a virus. And my computer means more to me then this job.
  • When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t leave the bathroom, but I feel good about it.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

DONKEY AT THE MOVIES

A New Zealand farmer has been banned from a drive-in movie theater for watching movies on the back of a donkey. Cinema bosses say Geoff Roder blocks the view for other viewers while on the back of the animal. The 35-year-old bachelor argues that he doesn’t have a car and has no other means of transportation. He’s threatening to sue the theater chain. ***MARLAR: The man’s only transportation is a donkey — is it any wonder he can’t get a date to the movies!?

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Regular attendance at religious services could have an added benefit: a longer life. That’s the word from Harvard researchers, who found that women who went to church at least twice a week were 33 percent less likely to die over the 20-year study period, compared with those who never attended. It’s believed the benefits come with being part of a community of faith and the communal practice of worship. The study found that women who attended worship at least once a week had a 27 percent lower risk of dying from heart disease and a 21 percent lower risk of dying from cancer, compared with those who never attended. Overall, the risk for dying dropped by 26 percent for those who attended worship weekly, while those who went less frequently saw their risk drop by 13 percent, compared with those who never attended. Meanwhile, women who attended church more than once a week had a 33 percent lower risk of death, compared with those who never attended.

When a police officer in Menomonie, Wisconsin, pulled over a young man for speeding, he considered giving him a ticket, not a lesson in dress for success. Officer Martin Folczyk pulled the car over and found Trevor Keeney, a clearly agitated University of Wisconsin-Stout student. Keeney said, “I have to get a tie tied! I have a presentation and I thought my buddy was home but he’s not, and I’m running behind.” Officer Folczyk then asked for the necktie and immediately started multitasking, putting the tie around his own neck, and tying it, while making sure Keeney’s license and insurance checked out. But the nice gesture wasn’t without slight complications. When he handed the tie back, it was too short for Keeney. So Folczyk re-tied it and then let Keeney go with just a warning. Now properly dressed, Keeney went on to get a 92 on his presentation for an outside sales class!

Folks may dread turning 50, but cheer up. The half-century mark appears to be the perfect age, according to a Harris Poll. When asked what age you would most like to stay if you could stop time and live forever in good health, 50 was the resounding response from young and old. Why is 50 so special? While those fine lines and streaks of silver do seem more prominent at this time of life, there also tends to be more life stability. Most people earn the highest paychecks of their career in their 50s. In addition, children are growing up or even on their own by the time their parents hit their 50s, which allows more freedom to do just about everything — from spending a lazy Saturday morning in bed to traveling on exotic vacations.  ***My opinion?  You’ll have to ask me in (2) years once I hit the mid-century mark!

You may delay retiring because you can’t afford to stop working, but there appears to be a positive health effect of this. It could lower your risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease, HealthDay News reports of research from France in what is the largest study of its kind. For each extra year that retirement was delayed, the research found that there was a 3 percent reduction in dementia risk. Specifically, someone who retired at age 65 had about a 15 percent lower risk of developing dementia, compared with someone retiring at 60, after other factors that affect those odds were taken into account, Dufouil said.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I’m in no hurry to retire. I mean, gee, who wants to sit around all day long doing nothing but listening to music? Wait….

I bought a wallet with insulated panels that keep thieves from scanning my information. And then gave it freely to the pizza guy over the phone. – Mark Hall

I’m not sick but I am practicing for when I am. – John Branyan

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JANUARY 06, 2017…

TEN BEST & WORST FILMS OF 2016 (Compiled by Marie Asner, celebrating 35 Years As Am Entertainment Reviewer)

BEST FILMS, LISTED IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER…

  • A Monster Calls—Child dealing with grief. (PG 13)

  • Arrival— Science fiction with a heart. (PG 13)

  • Captain America: Civil War—The cost of friendship.(PG 13)

  • Certain Women—Life in Montana (rated R)

  • Eagle Huntress (documentary)—Great camera work. (PG)

  • Fences—Life in the 1950’s. (rated  R)

  • Jackie—Where were you on that day? (rated R)

  • La La Land—Dancing feet. (Rated PG 13).

  • Lion—Finding birth mother. Bring hanky.(rated R)

  • Manchester By The Sea—Dealing with old family wounds. (rated R)

BEST FILMS, RUNNERS UP…

  • Dark Horse (documentary)—A winning horse. (Rated PG).

  • Dough—Working at a bakery with humor. (PG 13)

  • Hidden Figures—New faces in the early space program. (PG 13)

  • Midnight Special—Humanity meets the unusual. (PG 13)

  • Rogue One: A Star Wars Story—Star Wars with a heart. Rated (PG 13).

  • Star Trek Beyond—Film three and we haven‘t gotten enough of James T. Kirk, yet. (PG 13)

  • Sully—Survival is possible with the right pilot.(PG 13)

  • 20th Century Women—Three generations of women try to cope with life.(Rated R)

***************************************************

WORST FILMS, LISTED IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER…

  • Basic Plot Horror Films— Lights Out: don’t turn out the lights (no kidding and all rated R.) Before I Wake: don’t fall asleep (no kidding). Blair Witch—still in the woods (no kidding). Shut In—where is the sun when you need it?

  • Bridget Jones’s Baby— What’s next for Bridget, Middle School Parenting? (Rated R)

  • Ghostbusters— A sequel that should not have been made. (Rated PG 13)

  • Gross-Out Comedy Films Including the following, and all rated R.

  • Sausage Party (animated)—Just when you thought you have seen everything.

  • Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates—no kidding? Who would have thought…..

  • Bad Moms—would you want your kids to see this one?

  • Masterminds—Mindless comedy. (Rated PG 13).

  • Mechanic Resurrection—Going in the wrong direction. Straight down. (Rated R).

  • Neon Demon (rated R)–This one was gone in a flash. (Rated R).

  • Mr. Church—Eddie Murphy in a film that moves at a snail’s pace. (Rated PG 13).

  • Swiss Army Man—let the dead R.I.P. (Rated R).

  • Through The Looking Glass—Again? Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter? (Rated PG 13).

WORST FILMS, RUNNERS UP…

  • The Handmaiden (foreign film, subtitles)—Sexual content. (Rated a strong R).

  • The Hollars—Dysfunctional family by John Krasinski. (Rated R).

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.