January 07, 2016: Thursday ONAIRprep

***RADIO ISN’T DEAD – From RadioIsntDead.com

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160107

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

It’s so weird. Robin did a little shopping last night and came home with a ton of Christmas stuff that was on sale.  Why?  Because all the junk that nobody wanted before Christmas is now half-price. So everybody wants it.  In fact, so many people are buying it that tomorrow there’ll be a shortage of half-price junk.  So they’ll mark the price back up and make a fortune.

 

I do my best to stay positive each morning – but today, even the temperatures are negative!

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”  — Hebrews 13:5

 

The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told. — Luke 2:20

 

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. — 2 Corinthians 4:18

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. — Matthew 5:14

 

Thought: For Christians, there is no playing hide and seek with the world. Having been rescued from darkness, we have to let our light shine. That sometimes means that others see God’s light reflected in us and learn to glorify God through us. At other times, however, it means that we stand out in a world of darkness and become targets because of our faith. Either way, there is no place to hide. We are light in a world of darkness; we cannot help but shine!

 

Prayer: O Holy God, please strengthen me so that with undaunted courage and with the compassion of Jesus I might display your light to the lost world around me. In the name of Jesus, the Light of the world, I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

2 Timothy 1:7 NIV = For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

 

 

TODAY IS THURSDAY – JANUARY 07, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 354 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is OLD ROCK DAY.  ***MARLAR: Whether you’re referring to the Stones or to your pet rock, either way the word “old” still applies.

 

Today is I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE DAY, a day to stand up for your rights.  ***MARLAR: Or to watch the movie “Network.” (audio clip)

 

Today is MILLARD FILLMORE DAY, marking the birth of the 13th U.S. president on Jan. 7, 1800. The Millard Fillmore Society, a group of proud under-achievers, calls its members “Fillmorons.” Fillmorons often use this day as an occasion to have a party when there’s no other good reason.  ***MARLAR: They may call themselves under-achievers, but they apparently over-achieve when it comes to finding excuses to party.

 

Today is CHRISTMAS DAY (Orthodox Christmas) in Russia, a national holiday.  ***MARLAR: Apparently their clocks are a few hours behind ours.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Harlem Globetrotters Day

International Programmers’ Day

National Bobblehead Day

National Tempura Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

FRIDAY, JANUARY 08

Argyle Day

Bubble Bath Day

Earth’s Rotation Day

National English Toffee Day

Midwife’s Day

Women’s Day

National Bubble Bath Day

National Joy Germ Day

Show And Tell Day at Work

War on Poverty Day

 

SATURDAY, JANUARY 09

Balloon Ascension Day

National Cassoulet Day

National Static Electricity Day

Panama’s Martyr Day

 

SUNDAY, JANUARY 10

League of Nations Day

National Cut Your Energy Costs Day

No Pants Subway Ride Day

Stephen Foster Day

 

MONDAY, JANUARY 11

Cigarettes Are Hazardous To Your Health Day

Learn Your Name In Morse Code Day

National Clean Off Your Desk Day

National Human Traffic Awareness Day

 

TUESDAY, JANUARY 12

Bean Day

Kiss a Ginger Day (You can begin my kissing my profile pic!)

National Poetry at Work Day

 

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 13

Make Your Dream Come True Day

National Sticker Day

Public Radio Broadcasting Day

Rubber Ducky Day

 

THURSDAY, JANUARY 14

Caesarean Section Day

International Kite Day

Dress Up Your Pet Day

Organize Your Home Day

Ratification Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1789: In the first U.S. presidential election, Americans voted for electors who, a month later, chose George Washington to be the nation’s first president.  ***MARLAR: I’m sure having his face on the dollar bill was a big help.

 

1882: The cowboy helmet was patented. It was a steel hat with attached face mask to protect bronc riders, cow branders, and blacksmiths. It was probably the forerunner of the motorcycle helmet.

 

1948: Air Force Capt. Thomas Mantell crashed his P51 airplane in Kentucky while chasing a U-F-O.

 

1959: The U.S. recognized Fidel Castro’s new government in Cuba.

 

1962: Chubby Checker twisted his way to the top of Billboard’s Hot 100 for the second time in two years. In 1960 “The Twist” was #1 for seven weeks. This time the song stayed at #1 for 21 weeks.

 

1966: With their #1 draft pick, the New York Mets chose pitcher Steve Chilcott, an impressive college pitcher who never made it to the major leagues. With the #2 pick, Kansas City chose Arizona State outfielder Reggie Jackson.

 

1989: It was learned that Cuban Premier Fidel Castro had suffered a small lung cancer and had stopped smoking cigars.

 

1992: AT&T released its video telephone. The price: $1,499.

 

1996: The 3-ton killer whale Keiko flew from his cramped quarters in Mexico City to an aquarium in Newport, Oregon. Keiko became a whale star in the movie Free Willy. In 1998 he flew home to Iceland.

 

1998: Former White House intern Monica Lewinsky signed an affidavit denying she had an affair with President Bill Clinton.

 

1998: Brian Memorial Hospital in Lincoln, Nebraska, reported five sets of twins born in 48 hours. Obstetrics Clinic Manager Jan Lucas said, “You’d think we were having a special.”

 

1999: U.S. Senators signed a pledge to impartially judge President Bill Clinton’s impeachment trial. Instead of “United States Senator,” imprinted on the pens they used to sign the pledge was the typo “Untied States Senator.”  Clinton was acquitted.

 

2002: A 40-year-old Romanian woman stopped hiccuping for the first time in 14 years following surgery in Bucharest. Doctors said the hiccups were caused by a lymphatic cyst which grew after an earlier operation.

 

2004: U.S. President George Bush unveiled an immigration reform program that would allow millions of undocumented workers the opportunity to obtain temporary guest worker status.

 

2005: Mississippi authorities arrested an 80-year-old man for the 1964 killings of three civil rights workers.

 

2005: Actor Brad Pitt and actress Jennifer Aniston announced they were separating after four years of marriage.

 

2006: Freelance journalist Jill Carroll, on assignment for the Christian Science Monitor, was abducted in Baghdad. Her interpreter was killed.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1715: Death of Francois Fenelon, the mild and holy archbishop who befriended Madame Guyon and fell afoul of Roman Catholic authorities and of King Louis XIV for stands he took. He is widely respected among evangelicals.

 

1856: In London, famed English Baptist preacher Charles H. Spurgeon, 22, married Susannah Thompson, one of the parishioners at the New Park Street Baptist Chapel, where he was pastoring.

 

1865: Death of William Bradbury, composer of the tune to “Jesus Loves Me,” and many others. He discovered Fanny Crosby for Christian music.

 

1868: Moody’s Farwell Hall, which had just opened the previous September, burns down.

 

1934: Converted major league baseball player Billy Sunday, at age 72, began a two-week revival at Calvary Baptist Church in NY City. (Sunday was an evangelist from 1893 until his death in 1935.)

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (Screech on “Saved by the Bell”) Dustin Diamond, 38 (audio clip)
  • actor Kevin Rahm (“Judging Amy”) 44 (
    )
  • Actor (National Treasure, Leaving Las Vegas, Gone in 60 Seconds, Ghost Rider) Nicolas Cage, 51
  • Actress (Crocodile Dundee) Linda Kozlowski, 57
  • Newscaster Katie Couric, 58
  • actor (“NYPD Blue,” “CSI: Miami”) David Caruso 59 (
    )
  • actress (“Silver Spoons,” “Port Charles,” “Buck Rogers in the 25th Century”) Erin Gray 66 (
    )

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1899 : Francis Poulenc

1930 : Jack Greene

1936 : Eldee Young (Young/Holt Unlimited, The Ramsey Lewis Trio)

1937 : Paul Revere (Paul Revere and the Raiders)

1938 : Rory Storm (The Hurricanes)

1939 : Lefty Baker (Spanky & Our Gang)

1941 : James West (The Innocents)

1942 : Danny Williams

1943 : Leona Williams

1944 : Mike McGear (Scaffold)

1945 : Dave Cousins (The Strawbs)

1946 : Andy Brown (The Fortunes)

1946 : Jann Wenner

1948 : Kenny Loggins

1959 : Kathy Valentine (Go-Go’s)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How did we get the word “spam” for unwanted email – and when did we begin using the word?

On April 12, 1994, Laurence Canter, a lawyer in Phoenix, Arizona, sent out an unsolicited e-mail touting his firm to thousands of readers of online message boards. One anonymous Usenet user posted this suggested response: “Send coconuts and cans of Spam to Canter and Company.” “Spam” apparently resonated more than coconuts, and the term has been used ever since. (UPI)

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Building 429’s Jesse Garcia has been dealing with a cold. He tweeted: My nose has been running a lot more than I have here lately.

 

You’ve seen Jamie Grace on stage playing a variety of instruments including the banjo and the guitar. But this past Sunday she was trying something new. Jamie says she played drums for worship at her local church. She added: When You’re A Preachers Kid You Get Called To Do Random Stuff. However, it sounds like she’ll need some more time before really feeling comfortable with the drums. She added: My whole body hurts.

 

Derek Webb this week opened up about his divorce from Sandra McCracken one year ago. The former Caedmon’s Call vocalist has released a lengthy statement apologizing for his moral failures and urging other believers to seek help if they, too, are struggling with infidelity. According to the Gospel Herald, Webb said ‘I Betrayed the Trust of My Wife’. The couple announced last April that their marriage of over 13 years was ending due to Webb’s engaging in an extramarital affair. In a candid Facebook post shared on January 1, Webb, age 41, opened up about the split for the first time, explaining that after a year of “personal health and growth,” he believes it is time to addressed publicly.” Read the entire article here: http://bit.ly/1SvhDni

 

A fan recently asked Jamie Grace if she was getting married like Colton Dixon. Her reply was: nope, I’m presently eatin chicken and watchin netflix by my lonesome; ain’t even mad.

 

Blanca shared this week: This is my biggest New Years resolution… To make it a point to feed my soul with all the right things: Faith, truth, prayer, God’s Word, encouragement, positivity, and Vision! It’s time to let insecurity, doubt, worry and negativity STARVE. Who’s with me?!

 

Robbie Seay shared his New Years resolution this week. He tweeted: I’m taking a month off social media to start 2016.

 

Tenth Avenue North’s Mike Donehey started a new resolution this year. He explained: Only looking at social media every other day. Highly recommend it. Making space for joy. Feeling good.

 

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard was watching this weekends Seahawks game from a Mexican restaurant near his home. He tweeted: To those wondering why I’m watching from a restaurant – I locked myself out of my apartment!

 

Question of the day from Colton Dixon: Getting married soon. Have any advice for me?  (PHONER PHUN: Get your listeners to call in with their advice for a great marriage – maybe gather them all up and send them to Colton Dixon!)

 

Natalie Grant is finally back home. She reported over the holidays that her daughter Gracie was in ICU with pneumonia, a collapsed lung, and issues with her asthma. In fact, doctors said she was at an 11 out of 12, with 12 being the absolute worst it can get on the respiratory scale. Yet, after 5 days in the ICU, Natalie said Gracie is back home. She is still not 100%, and will be fighting pneumonia for awhile. But Natalie says they are praising God that she is back home. Natalie added: Thank you again for all of your prayers and concern.

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.  Audio clips are only valid for a few days before being removed from our servers.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

In the future, the Lyft car that picks you up could have an empty driver’s seat, thanks to a $500 million investment from GM. The “long-term strategic alliance” between the two companies was announced on Monday, with a particular focus on self-driving cars. Currently, the Lyft app alerts drivers when a passenger requests a ride. But Lyft, along with Google, Uber, Tesla and other companies, is interested in autonomous vehicles that could navigate roads without someone behind the wheel.  ***You think it’s tough getting through the thick accents of cab drivers already – just wait until you get into a Johnny Cab and something goes wrong where you have to call for tech support.

http://nbcnews.to/1PG6FZw

 

A teller at a Detroit bank activated electronic locks Monday, trapping a 15-year-old bank robber between a set of doors on his way out. He was arrested when officers arrived.  ***The boy, who was apparently high on marijuana at the time, would’ve tried to throw himself through the glass to escape, but we all know that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stoners.

 

A device unveiled at the Consumer Electronics Show lets you check on the food in your refrigerator when you’re not home. Fridge Cam mounts to the inside of your fridge using a suction mount. Using an app, you can take a quick snapshot of what’s inside you fridge and see what you might need to stock up on.  ***When have those suction mounts every been reliable though?  Two days after sticking it in your fridge it’s going to pop off and fall into the leftover pork and beans.

 

The world’s first “smart” bra is being unveiled at this week’s Consumer Electronics Show. The bra’s creator claims the bra measures the wearer’s heart rate and steps.  *** Guys keep staring at the chests of women wearing the bra claiming, “I’m just checking your pulse.”

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

What’s your favorite holiday ritual?  One woman’s yearly holiday ritual is coming up!

Attorney Colleen Gorman of Chicago has an annual holiday season ritual that doesn’t involve buying presents or counting down to midnight: She goes online to look for new hangover remedies she hasn’t tried.  She already has scratched off those big “prevention” pills, vitamins and chugging sports drinks, along with more quirky folk remedies including peanut butter sandwiches.  “My fiancé says I should probably just drink less,” said Gorman.  Experts say that’s good advice for everyone.  “The only way to prevent a hangover is to not get drunk,” said Boston University researcher Jonathan Howland.  That might be too radical a remedy for many revelers, but it’s the only one proven to work.  ***MARLAR: This report brought to you by the Council For Reporting The Obvious.

 

A study out of Oregon State University found that women are far less likely to exercise for 30 minutes every day than men. While men got 30 minutes, women averaged 18. ***MARLAR: Well duh.  She’s too busy ironing my clothes, packing my lunch, cleaning the house, grocery shopping, making dinner, taking out the trash, mowing the lawn… how is she going to have time to work out each day?  Sheesh.

 

A study finds that tattoos still reduce your chances of getting hired. ***Especially if your tattoo says “Miley Cyrus Forever”.

 

Do you get sad or depressed when you can’t check your Facebook status?  You’re not alone.  Research shows many people feel upset and lonely when they are deprived of access to the Internet. The study revealed that 53% feel upset when denied access and 40% feel lonely if they are unable to go online.  ***MARLAR: It’s in moments like these that you need to talk to a friend.  Unfortunately, all of mine are online.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Zero Location on Phone”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Sally Boeke, “Satan at the Door”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, all of the animals were trying to sell all of their belongings to move out of the jungle and get away from a giant-footed monster, but they all bought other people’s belongings… all except Racquet the Skunk.  He’s just giving stuff away!  For FREE!  Why do you think that is?

 

CLOSE: Could that be it?  Could the giant-footed creature really just be a huge practical joke?  Is there really no danger at all?  Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JANUARY 09/10

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, Louis the lion, a very young lion, was having a hard time dealing with his new responsibilities of being king of the jungle.  In fact, he couldn’t make any decisions at all for the animals – but they were counting on him to make decisions on just about everything!

 

CLOSE: If Louis sneaks off to find someone else to be king, who will he find?  And what will the animals do in the meantime?  Tune in again to find out, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Wendy’s restaurant accidentally gives away $12,000 in today’s Moment of Duh!

Where’s the beef? One of Wendy’s customers will never ask this question again after receiving $12,000 accidentally from the fast-food restaurant. In Sacramento, California one Wendy’s was, for some inexplicable reason, storing $12,000 of the restaurant’s money in a regular food paper bag, along with food orders being made. That bag was accidentally given to a customer instead of their hamburger order. The customer has disappeared with money.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU ARE A COFFEE ADDICT

 

  1. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

 

  1. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

 

  1. You don’t even wait for the water to boil any more.

 

  1. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

 

  1. You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.

 

  1. You don’t get mad, you get steamed.

 

  1. You can’t even remember your second cup.

 

  1. You help your dog chase its tail.

 

  1. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

 

  1. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A robber is foiled by cornflakes! 

 

FILE #1: 31-year-old Amber McCarthy was arrested in Bexhill, England and her cornflakes are to blame! She allegedly stole cash register money and flowers from a florist, and during the early morning crime was apparently munching away on a box of Corn Flakes for breakfast. She left a trail of those Corn Flakes for 300 yards — all the way back to her hotel room where police found her with the money and the flowers. Turns out she had stolen the Corn Flakes as well — from the hotel restaurant.

 

FILE #2: Police in Fullerton, California arrested 52-year-old Warren John Wilson who apparently had a bone to pick with bikers. Warren admitted he had nearly been run down by a cyclist so to seek revenge dug nearly 50 one to two-foot holes along a bike trail. He even attempted to hide some of the holes. Some riders went over their handlebars after hitting the holes but none reported major injuries. Warren now faces a single felony count of vandalism.

 

FILE #3: Police escorted a woman home after she was shopping, eating, and sleeping in a Georgia Walmart for three days straight. She blended in with the general Christmas madness and sustained herself by eating at the on-site Blimpie.  When asked by employees at the end why she stayed for so long, she said, “I’m shopping.”

 

STRANGE LAW: In Maine, after January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

You can call it a case of creative drug-dealing.

Athens, Alaska police have a 38-year-old man in custody for allegedly accepting gift cards for payment for crack cocaine and prescription drugs. Police Captain Marty Bruce, a spokesman, said the man was arrested and charged with possession of a controlled substance. Bruce said officers executed a search warrant at the man’s house and seized crack cocaine, Xanax pills, $899 cash and $175 in gift cards.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

How long can you leave your Christmas decorations up before it’s considered tacky?  Who leaves their decorations up the longest?  Anyone leave them up on the house all-year-round?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who was allowed to bake bread with a fire fueled with cow manure?
ANSWER: Ezekiel (Ezekiel 4:9-17)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: The Hurst Co. estimates that this tool has saved some 800,000 lives during the past 30 years.  What?

ANSWER: The Jaws of Life

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. Mt. St. Helens is now taller than it was before the volcano erupted several years ago. (True… lava deposits built it up even higher after the eruption!)

 

  1. The Catholic Church actually has a patron saint exclusively for bricklayers. (True, it’s St. Stephen)

 

  1. The famous Walt Disney logo is actually Walt Disney’s autograph. (False, his autograph bears no resemblance whatsoever)

 

  1. There are actually 12 books in the bible where the word God is never used. (False, there are only two: Song of Solomon and Esther)

 

  1. If you don’t show up for a football game and have to forfeit the game, it means the record books will say you lost 2-0. (True)

 

  1. Shirley Temple always had exactly 56 curls in her hair. (True)

 

  1. The horse who played Mr. Ed was really named Mrs. G in real life. (False, he was named “Bamboo Harverster.”)

 

  1. It takes 200 muscles just to lift your leg and move it forward. (False… it actually takes only about 40 to do that)

 

  1. Ostriches can run faster than horses! (True)

 

  1. There are about two hundred different varieties of rice. (False… there are more than 15 thousand different varieties)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

WOMAN MARRIES CAN OF ________ (MR. PIBB)

LIVINGSTON, Mont. — “I now pronounce you, Can and Wife.”

Residents of a small Montana town were shocked today to see the public marriage of local resident Kim Parrot and a can of Mr. Pibb.

Understandably, the first response many had, was wondering why an attractive, 20-something woman would make this decision. For others, the question was something more pointed: “Didn’t they stop calling it Mr. Pibb years ago?”

“Yes, you could call my husband ‘a little vintage,’” Parrot said, her arm wrapped around her newly announced husband. “He has some years on him — and even a little rust — but trust me when I tell you that Mr. Pibb is Mr. Right.”

Parrot is hardly the first to try to marry an object instead of a human being, but what makes the case unique is that Livingston is the only city in the U.S. to allow marriages to beverages. A law established shortly before Prohibition, the national ban of alcohol from the 1920s, gave officials in the town the ability to wed their distilleries. This protected their operations from being shut down, thus giving them the ability to keep producing illegal drinks. Decades later, many are ignorant of the law — but not Parrot.

“It’s a carbonation abomination!” said Gus ‘Bumpy’ Bumperton, a Livingston grocery store owner. “Who ever heard of such a thing? This needs to be fixed now.”

Until officials take action, Parrot plans to move on with her marriage to the soda can as the two are heading out to a honeymoon to Las Vegas.

“We plan to shake things up a bit,” Parrot said, pointing to the Mr. Pibb can. “But not too much!”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

When Bill introduced his friend Wes to the proprietor of his favorite Chinese restaurant, the owner greeted him enthusiastically, saying, “Welcome, West.”
Wes shook his hand and smiled despite the mispronounced name.
All through the meal, the proprietor checked to make sure “West” was pleased. Finally, Wes corrected him, “It’s Wes, not West.”
“West, not West?” asked the confused man.
Wes smiled patiently and nodded. “Yes,” he said, “Wes, no ‘t’.”
“Ah,” said the proprietor and walked away with their teapot.

 

JOKE #2

A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner. 

One turned to the other and said, “You know why I’m going to win this election? Because of my ‘personal touch.’ For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me.”

“Oh, is that so?” replied the other. “I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you.”

 

JOKE #3

Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test.

Both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: “Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant.”

“How did you answer that last one?” asked Robert.  “I thought it was tough at first….  then I thought of *Superintendent*.”

“I think I got it right too,” Pete said.  “But I wrote down Horticulturist.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

Experts at Johns Hopkins Medical School say the meters on treadmills that say how many calories you’re burning could be off by as much as 15% because they calculate based on the average person’s body type.  ***MARLAR: And most of us are on the treadmill because we need to lose 15% of our body mass just to become average.

 

An Australian university study found that DVD screens in cars are dangerous because they distract drivers behind you. ***MARLAR: Especially when playing movies with subtitles.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

THE LETTER

A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: “FOOL.”
The next Sunday he announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

PROFESSOR OF SHOPPING

What are the three “R’s” in school again? Reading, ‘Riting and RETAIL?

Glasgow Caledonian University in Scotland is offering a new class to its students: Shopping 101! They even have a “Professor of Retailing” – Professor Christopher Moore. He says the department will examine how consumers select products and how they interact with each other and with staff. “Shopping is not just about going into a store; it’s about the whole gamut of human nature. What you buy says a lot about who you are and who you want to be,” Professor Moore said. ***MARLAR: I want to be Professor Moore when I grow up.  All the shopping you want, and you get the school to pay for it as a class project!  That man is genius!

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

SOMEDAY

By Les Parrott III

One of the greatest saboteurs of our dreams and goals begins with one word: “someday.”

This word denotes idle thinking that’s rarely backed up by action. And most good-intentioned people utter it on a regular basis. It’s an easy way to invoke an excuse for putting off what would bring us closer to our goals.

Zig Ziglar, known worldwide for his upbeat motivational messages, tells the story of the fellow who went next door to borrow his neighbor’s lawnmower. The neighbor explained that he couldn’t let him use the mower because all the flights had been canceled from New York to Los Angeles. The borrower asked him what canceled flights from New York to Los Angeles had to do with him borrowing his lawnmower.

“It doesn’t have anything to do with it,” the neighbor replied. “But if I don’t want to let you use my lawnmower, one excuse is as good as another.”

The same is true for anyone looking to put off the work that brings them closer to reaching their goals.

“Someday, when I have the time or money.”

“Someday I’ll study up on that.”

“Someday after the kids have moved out.”

“Someday…”

Some people go through life, day after day, piling one excuse on top of another. They’re looking for any reason at all to avoid working at their goals. If you catch yourself at the same place you were last year, pay attention to how well you manufacture excuses and how often you utter the word “someday.” And maybe today is the day that someday leaves your vocabulary.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

THE GREAT POTTER

Read: Jeremiah 18:1-6

As the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are you in My hand. —Jeremiah 18:6

One definition of the word attitude is “the angle of approach” that an aircraft takes when landing. Author Chris Spicer writes: “Attitudes are to life as the angle of approach is to flying.” He adds, “Attitude is the way we choose to think about things; attitudes will cause us to react and behave in a certain way.” He also says that attitudes are not inborn or accidental. They are learned and absorbed reactions; therefore they can be changed.

During my thirties, the Lord began convicting me of my wrong thinking toward myself, others, and life—negative, self-pitying, and bitter thinking. With the help of God’s Word, I recognized my need for change in three main areas: my attitudes, actions, and reactions. But I feared I couldn’t change. One day I read in Jeremiah 18 how the potter refashioned some marred clay (which is what I felt like) into a different vessel, as it pleased the potter. What I couldn’t do, my great Potter could! I only needed to be cooperative clay.

Today this vessel is far from finished. But as I put myself in the Potter’s hands, He keeps working on me and shaping my attitudes and actions. I call them Christ-attitudes, Christ-actions, and Christ-reactions.

The great Potter can do the same for you. —Joanie Yoder

 

Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Thou art the Potter, I am the clay;
Mold me and make me after Thy will,
While I am waiting, yielded and still. —Pollard
© 1935 Hope Publishing Co.

 

A change in the heart brings a change in behavior.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

LASSIE, OH LASSIE!

With all of the weird ways 911 operators get calls, the last thing they were expecting was a dog to call them – and mean it!

Man’s best friend turns out to be a woman’s best friend too – as well as her life-saver! An 8-year-old Irish setter named Lyric called 911 because her owner was in trouble. Her owner, Judi Bayly, had suffered an asthma attack and couldn’t wake up. After licking her owner’s face failed to revive her, Lyric got worried and called for help. “It’s amazing,” said Charlene Hall, a dispatcher at Nashua Fire and Rescue in New Hampshire. “The dog is trained to go over and hit that phone three times to get 911 and she barks into the receiver.” Lyric is a specially trained medical assistance dog and emergency workers say that day she saved a life.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

NO TIME TO LOSE

If you wanted to make a New Year’s resolution to lose weight, but didn’t think you had enough time to exercise, there’s good news.

Actually, it may be bad news if you were just looking for an excuse to get out of it. Experts say it’s easy to sneak exercise into your routine and you don’t need to spend hours at the gym. It’s as easy as squeezing in five minutes of calisthenics, such as sit-ups or push-ups, in the morning, taking a 10-minute walk at lunch, pacing when talking on the phone and even marching in place while watching TV. Melina Jampolis wrote the book “The No Time to Lose Diet,” and she says even doing volunteer activity like coaching a Little League team, packing boxes at a food bank or cleaning up the neighborhood, can help you shed the pounds.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

GIVE THIS TO YOUR HUSBAND AND TELL HIM IT’S REAL

Type this up in the form of a letter from a local store and give it to your husband.  There’s a good chance half of it’s true.

Dear Mrs. ____,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us again unless your husband stops his antics while you are shopping.  Below is a list of offences over the past few months, all verified by our surveillance cameras.

  • July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in house wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
  • July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3 in house wares”.
  • August 4: Went to the service desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s on lay away.
  • September 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
  • September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’d bring pillows from the bedding department.
  • September 23: When our clerks ask whether they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
  • October 4: Looked right into the security camera, used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
  • November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knew where the antidepressants were.
  • December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
  • December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, “PICK ME! PICK ME!”
  • December 21: When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams, “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”

There probably are more.

 

 

FUN LIST

THINGS THAT WE KNOW, THANKS TO THE MOVIES

  1. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
  2. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
  3. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  4. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
  5. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
  6. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
  7. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
  8. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

It’s called “fever phobia” – and if you’re a parent you’re going to want to know about it.

When parents notice their child has flushed cheeks and is hot to the touch they often anxiously reach for the thermometer to check for a fever and a pain reliever to bring it down. But “fever phobia” may be getting in the way of properly treating children, according to a study in the medical journal Pediatrics.  “Fever is the body’s normal response to an illness, so it doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. It’s how your body fights the infection,” explains study author Dr. Janice Sullivan, professor of pediatric critical care medicine at the University of Louisville in Kentucky.  About a third of all visits to the pediatrician are due to fever, usually caused by a bacterial or viral infection. Most fevers go away fairly quickly, are benign, and may actually protect the child. So pain relievers are primarily recommended to help alleviate some of the discomfort, not necessarily to bring the fever down to a certain level.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

China is bracing for baby boom under their new two-child rule. According to NBC News, the new law allowing couples to have two babies went into affect at midnight on January 1. The country is expected to welcome as many as eight million extra new babies each year after the abolition of the controversial one-child policy, ushering in a new era of brothers and sisters for Chinese families.

http://nbcnews.to/1OvguKE

 

According to Amazon, a turntable was the best-selling audio device this Christmas. Those large devices invented decades ago that play music off of expensive vinyl records sold more than any other piece of audio equipment this Christmas.

http://relm.ag/RGOunFY

 

Continuing a 50-plus year streak, Billy Graham was again named one of the top 10 most admired men in the world this year. According to Billy Graham.org, the results of the annual Gallup poll were released Monday, answering the question, “What man or woman that you have heard or read about, living today in any part of the world, do you admire most?” Billy Graham has finished in the top 10 overall more than anyone else—a record 59 times. This year, President Barack Obama topped the list of most admired men. Hillary Clinton was named the most admired woman.

http://bit.ly/1Z2zBmc

 

When your baby cries – do you know why they are crying?  An app that can differentiate between a variety of crying sounds made by babies has been developed by Taiwanese researchers. According to Yahoo news, The Infant Cries Translator was developed at the National Taiwan University Hospital Yunlin and can differentiate between four separate crying sounds by recording the sounds of babies and comparing them against a vast database. Over a two year period researchers collected around 200,000 crying sounds from approximately 100 new–born babies, and uploaded them to an online database. The resulting app shows analysis of a baby’s cries on the user’s phone within 15 seconds. Researchers say the app has an accuracy of 92 percent for infants under two weeks old, helping inform parents when their child is hungry, sleepy, in pain, or has a wet diaper. The analysis becomes less accurate the older the baby is.

http://yhoo.it/1OZsL6h

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“I joined a health spa recently. They had a sign for ‘Free Weights’. So I took a couple.” — Scott Wood

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available.  The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

 

STAR WARS OVER LOOKS

 

My wife and I watched the Star Wars movie over the holidays. Along with a gazillion other people. Movie prices can kill you. We survived by doing the later afternoon show for roughly $6 each, getting a free popcorn (buttered, of course), and sharing a large drink. A mere $5.75 at the concession stand.

 

As shocking as some food item prices can be, we had a somewhat similar wake up call in seeing the original Star Wars heroes Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, and Carrie Fisher in the film. Imagine this…they’ve all AGED!!! How can it be?

 

The bigger surprises were Hamill and Fisher, or Luke and Leia if you prefer. That stands to reason since we’ve seen Harrison Ford in a number of films since his hang-around-with-Wookie days. Actually, Chewbacca looked pretty good after 38 years. Must be his stylist.

 

For those who weren’t around to see the original three Star Wars productions, no need to dwell on this age thing. Except to say…spoiler alert…you too will get wrinkled and gray! And probably wider.

 

Of course, I’m not the only one who noticed these physical changes. Apparently, LOTS of moviegoers have commented, and some quite rudely. You see, unlike life for most of us, Hollywood stars are not allowed to show this aging process. And if they have the audacity to show up on film in a way that makeup cannot overcome, well….OOFTA, as the Scandinavians would say.

 

Princess Leia has taken the brunt of fans’ criticism. Here’s the way it showed up in the Washington Post recently:  “…Yet some longtime fans were stuck on a detail that shouldn’t have come as a surprise to anyone: The actors have aged.  Or, to zone in on the preoccupation, Fisher has aged — and allegedly “not well.” Ouch. https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2015/12/30/carrie-fisher-strikes-back-at-haters-youthbeautyrnot-accomplishments/

 

Her original role as a princess had her on screen in a gold bikini. Producers decided not to do that outfit again. Since she is now a General, she must dress more appropriately. And she does.

 

But it’s her weight that drew criticism, even though she lost 35 pounds for her film role. Responding to some critics, Carrie tweeted, “My body is my brain bag, it hauls me around to those places and in front of faces where there’s something to say or see.” She’s made mention of weight in other tweets as well.

 

But the larger issue to Carrie Fisher (if you’ll excuse the pun) is that Hollywood isn’t made for the unattractive woman. In early December, she complained that an actress over 40 finds it difficult to get work. According to the Post, Fisher told Good Housekeeping magazine, “They don’t want to hire all of me – only about three-quarters…Nothing changes, it’s an appearance-driven thing. I’m in a business where the only thing that matters is weight and appearance. That is so messed up. They might as well say ‘get younger,’ because that’s how easy it is.”

 

Female actresses are not alone. Quite coincidentally, as I was preparing this blog, a New York Times piece appeared this week on females over 50 and jobless. As it’s stated, “… many of these older women now earn far less and use many fewer skills than they did before. Others have been left stranded without any job for months or even years. Some have given up the search altogether.”  http://www.nytimes.com/2016/01/02/business/economy/over-50-female-and-jobless-even-as-others-return-to-work.html?emc=edit_th_20160102&nl=todaysheadlines&nlid=68618012

 

If the statistics are correct, here’s how it looks. A Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis study found job prospects shifted significantly for women after the so-called Great Recession, which began in 2007. Up to that point, women over 50 comprised about one quarter of the unemployed. Just seven years later, that same category has grown to around half the unemployed.

 

If our culture has become insensitive to the experience, wisdom, and insight of women in the workplace, value is lost. My heart especially goes out to women who are compelled to work outside the home due to life’s circumstances. My own mother was in that situation. Fortunately, employers considered her valuable even into her later years.

 

The Bible speaks about the value of the hard working woman in Proverbs 31, albeit a married one. It says, “When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: ‘There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!’  Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.  Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.” (Proverbs 31:26-31, NLT)

 

That one line is worth its weight in gold: Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.

 

Yes, that woman is to be celebrated. Even to a galaxy far, far away.

 

That’s The Way WE Work. Click on the link to the right to connect via Facebook.

 

Catch “Let’s Talk with Mark Elfstrand” weekday afternoons from 4-6pm on AM 1160 Hope for Your Life. To listen to the live broadcast or a podcast of previous shows click here.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

DECEMBER 23-31, 2015…

 

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip—Here come the singing animated Chipmunks and their fan club awaits (you know who you are).  This story concerns their manager (Jason Lee) and the guy wants to get married…but will he leave the group? Hmm. “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip” is rated PG. No rating.

 

Concussion—Will Smith stars as Dr. Bennet Omalu, who was one of the first medical people to study the effects of concussions on football players.  He is a pathologist. David Morse steals the film as a football player whose mind is going and he doesn’t know why. The NFL tries to suppress the doctor’s findings. “Concussion” is rated R. Rating of 3.

 

Daddy’s House—Will Ferrell has married and now has step-children he is quite fond of. However, here comes their vagrant father, Mark Wahlberg, and the contest between the men begins with the kids in the middle. “Daddy’s House” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2.

 

Joy—Jennifer Lawrence leaves “The Hunger Games” behind to take on the role of the woman, Joy Mancuso, who invited the Miracle Mop. This is done here as a comedy in which on one believes in her. Robert DeNiro as her father, steals his scenes. “Joy” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans of the stars.

 

Point Break—The first film of this title starred Patrick Swayze as the villain who leads a group of thieves in a daring robbery.  Now, in this remake Luke Bracey is the hero and Edgar Ramirez, the villain, with plenty of airborne stunts as the team plans the big heist. “Point Break” is rated R. Rating of 2.

 

Snowden (opening in select cities)—Based on the life of Edward Snowden who leaked U.S. government secrets to “The Guardian” newspaper, it is directed by Oliver Stone. Joseph Gordon-Levitt stars as Snowden.  Others in the cast include Zachary Quinto and Shailene Woodley. “Snowden” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

Macbeth (opening in select cities)—Michael Fassbinder takes on the role of this king, who, with his wife Lady Macbeth (Marion Cottaild) uses murder to gain the throne of Scotland. This Shakespeare play is always a popular one and it uses the theme, of  “is it worth it?” Well photographed. “Macbeth” is rated R. Rating of 2.

 

The Big Short—A look at the banking situation in 2008 with a humorous take on greed. Brad Pitt, Steve Carell (steals the film) and Ryan Gosling are part of a group that decides to go with the man who figured out how to bet on failing mortgages. Christian Bale plays Dr. Michael Burry, the Pied Piper who leads everyone down the path. “The Big Short” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Youth—A beautifully photographed film with quite a catch at the end.  Michael Caine and Harvey Kietel are in their 80’s in this film, and looking back at their lives with it’s good things and bad things. Rachel Weicz is Caine’s daughter. Lovely soundtrack. “Youth” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Legend—Supposedly this film is finally being released and stars Tom Hardy as twin brothers, Ron and Reggie Kray, who ruled London gangland in the 1980’s. Quite a performance for Hardy who also shines in “The Revenant” as the villain there. In “Legend,” the East Side of London stays with its own. “Legend” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Revenant—A brutally photographed film of one man’s survival in winter, in the northland about 1830. Leonardo DiCaprio is this man, who was mauled by a bear and left for dead by his traveling companions. One of which, knew he was still alive. A study in the brutality of man. “Revenant” means someone who comes back.  The film “Revenant” is rated a strong R. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

The Hateful Eight—Quentin Tarentino’s film of eight people, in the 19th century, who wait out a blizzard.  One is a sheriff, another the prisoner, and so on. The eight personalities begin to get on each others nerves.  Stars include Jennifer Jason Leigh, Kurt Russell, Samuel L. Jackson and Tom Roth. “The Hateful Eight” is rated R. No rating.

 

Where To Invade Next (opening in select cities)—This is a tongue-in-cheek documentary by Michael Moore in which he visits countries around the world and tries to learn something that he could bring back to America.  These include a different view of the prison system and free college education, also more paid vacation time. “Where To Invade Next” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2.

 

DECMEBER 30, 2015…

 

Anomalisa (opening in select cities)—From the director who did “Being John Malkovich” (Charlie Kaufman) is a new film starring Jennifer Jason Leigh and David Thewlis.  The premise is about a guy who is somewhat sad and meets the girl of his dreams. Story told with animation, also. “Anomalisa” is rated R. No rating. And this ends the year.

 

# # # # #

 

 

 

WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.