January 07, 2017: Saturday ONAIRprep


***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! It’s part of your subscription now! Email me to get FTP access and your free customized tag!)



It’s so weird. Robin did a little shopping last night and came home with a ton of Christmas stuff that was on sale. Why? Because all the junk that nobody wanted before Christmas is now half-price. So everybody wants it. In fact, so many people are buying it that tomorrow there will be a shortage of half-price junk. So they’ll mark the price back up and make a fortune.

I do my best to stay positive each morning – but today, even the temperatures are negative!


Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” — Hebrews 13:5

The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told. — Luke 2:20

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. — 2 Corinthians 4:18


(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. — Matthew 5:14

Thought: For Christians, there is no playing hide and seek with the world. Having been rescued from darkness, we have to let our light shine. That sometimes means that others see God’s light reflected in us and learn to glorify God through us. At other times, however, it means that we stand out in a world of darkness and become targets because of our faith. Either way, there is no place to hide. We are light in a world of darkness; we cannot help but shine!

Prayer: O Holy God, please strengthen me so that with undaunted courage and with the compassion of Jesus I might display your light to the lost world around me. In the name of Jesus, the Light of the world, I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the mo

2 Timothy 1:7 NIV = For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.


(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)

Today is OLD ROCK DAY. ***Whether you’re referring to the Stones or to your pet rock, either way the word “old” still applies.

Today is I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE DAY, a day to stand up for your rights. ***Or to watch the movie “Network.” (audio clip)

Today is MILLARD FILLMORE DAY, marking the birth of the 13th U.S. president on Jan. 7, 1800. The Millard Fillmore Society, a group of proud under-achievers, calls its members “Fillmorons.” Fillmorons often use this day as an occasion to have a party when there’s no other good reason. ***They may call themselves under-achievers, but they apparently over-achieve when it comes to finding excuses to party.

Today is CHRISTMAS DAY (Orthodox Christmas) in Russia, a national holiday. ***Apparently their clocks are a few hours behind ours.

Fruitcake Toss Day Link (First Saturday)
Harlem Globetrotter’s Day
I’m Not Going To Take It Anymore Day
International Programmers’ Day Link
National Bobblehead Day Link
National Tempura Day Link

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)


Argyle Day
Asarah B’Tevet
Bubble Bath Day Link
Earth’s Rotation Day
National English Toffee Day  Link
Midwife’s Day or Women’s Day
National Joy Germ Day
National Sunday Supper Day Link (2nd Sunday)
No Pants Subway Ride Day Link
Show and Tell Day at Work
War on Poverty Day


Balloon Ascension Day Link
Law Enforcement Appreciation Day Link  Link
National Cassoulet Day
National Clean Off Your Desk Day (2nd Monday)
National Static Electricity Day Link
Panama’s Martyr Day Link


League of Nations Day
National Cut Your Energy Costs Day
National Poetry at Work Day (2nd Tuesday)
Stephen Foster Day


Cigarettes Are Hazardous To Your Health Day
Learn Your Name in Morse Code Day Link
National Human Trafficking Awareness Day Link


I Am A Mentor Link
Kiss A Ginger Day Link (Red Heads)
National Hot Tea Day


Friday the 13th

Blame Someone Else Day
Make Your Dream Come True Day Link
National Sticker Day Link
Public Radio Broadcasting Day


Caesarean Section Day
Eagle Day
International Kite Day
Dress Up Your Pet Day Link
National Vision Board Day (2nd Saturday)
Organize Your Home Day Link
Ratification Day


Alpha Kappa Alpha Day

Annoy Squidward Day (aka Your Boss) Link  (SpongeBob Squarepants)
Humanitarian Day
National Sanctity of Human Life Day (or Pro-Life Day): Link
World Religion Day Link


Appreciate A Dragon Day
Civil Service Day
Fig Newton Day Link  Link
Martin Luther King Day
National Crowd Feed Day
National Day of Service Link
Nothing Day
Religious Freedom Day Link
Without A Scalpel Day Link  Link


1789: In the first U.S. presidential election, Americans voted for electors who, a month later, chose George Washington to be the nation’s first president. ***MARLAR: I’m sure having his face on the dollar bill was a big help.

1882: The cowboy helmet was patented. It was a steel hat with attached face mask to protect bronc riders, cow branders, and blacksmiths. It was probably the forerunner of the motorcycle helmet.

1948: Air Force Capt. Thomas Mantell crashed his P51 airplane in Kentucky while chasing a U-F-O.

1959: The U.S. recognized Fidel Castro’s new government in Cuba.

1962: Chubby Checker twisted his way to the top of Billboard’s Hot 100 for the second time in two years. In 1960 “The Twist” was #1 for seven weeks. This time the song stayed at #1 for 21 weeks.

1966: With their #1 draft pick, the New York Mets chose pitcher Steve Chilcott, an impressive college pitcher who never made it to the major leagues. With the #2 pick, Kansas City chose Arizona State outfielder Reggie Jackson.

1989: It was learned that Cuban Premier Fidel Castro had suffered a small lung cancer and had stopped smoking cigars.

1992: AT&T released its video telephone. The price: $1,499.

1996: The 3-ton killer whale Keiko flew from his cramped quarters in Mexico City to an aquarium in Newport, Oregon. Keiko became a whale star in the movie Free Willy. In 1998 he flew home to Iceland.

1998: Former White House intern Monica Lewinsky signed an affidavit denying she had an affair with President Bill Clinton.

1998: Brian Memorial Hospital in Lincoln, Nebraska, reported five sets of twins born in 48 hours. Obstetrics Clinic Manager Jan Lucas said, “You’d think we were having a special.”

1999: U.S. Senators signed a pledge to impartially judge President Bill Clinton’s impeachment trial. Instead of “United States Senator,” imprinted on the pens they used to sign the pledge was the typo “Untied States Senator.” Clinton was acquitted.

2002: A 40-year-old Romanian woman stopped hiccuping for the first time in 14 years following surgery in Bucharest. Doctors said the hiccups were caused by a lymphatic cyst which grew after an earlier operation.

2004: U.S. President George Bush unveiled an immigration reform program that would allow millions of undocumented workers the opportunity to obtain temporary guest worker status.

2005: Mississippi authorities arrested an 80-year-old man for the 1964 killings of three civil rights workers.

2005: Actor Brad Pitt and actress Jennifer Aniston announced they were separating after four years of marriage.

2006: Freelance journalist Jill Carroll, on assignment for the Christian Science Monitor, was abducted in Baghdad. Her interpreter was killed.


1715: Death of Francois Fenelon, the mild and holy archbishop who befriended Madame Guyon and fell afoul of Roman Catholic authorities and of King Louis XIV for stands he took. He is widely respected among evangelicals.

1856: In London, famed English Baptist preacher Charles H. Spurgeon, 22, married Susannah Thompson, one of the parishioners at the New Park Street Baptist Chapel, where he was pastoring.

1865: Death of William Bradbury, composer of the tune to “Jesus Loves Me,” and many others. He discovered Fanny Crosby for Christian music.

1868: Moody’s Farwell Hall, which had just opened the previous September, burns down.

1934: Converted major league baseball player Billy Sunday, at age 72, began a two-week revival at Calvary Baptist Church in NY City. (Sunday was an evangelist from 1893 until his death in 1935.)


  • Actor (Screech on “Saved by the Bell”) Dustin Diamond, 39 (audio clip)

  • actor Kevin Rahm (“Judging Amy”) 45 (audio clip)

  • Actor (National Treasure, Leaving Las Vegas, Gone in 60 Seconds, Ghost Rider) Nicolas Cage, 52

  • Actress (Crocodile Dundee) Linda Kozlowski, 58

  • Newscaster Katie Couric, 59

  • actor (“NYPD Blue,” “CSI: Miami”) David Caruso 60 (audio clip)

  • actress (“Silver Spoons,” “Port Charles,” “Buck Rogers in the 25th Century”) Erin Gray 67 (audio clip)


(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1899 : Francis Poulenc

1930 : Jack Greene

1936 : Eldee Young (Young/Holt Unlimited, The Ramsey Lewis Trio)

1937 : Paul Revere (Paul Revere and the Raiders)

1938 : Rory Storm (The Hurricanes)

1939 : Lefty Baker (Spanky & Our Gang)

1941 : James West (The Innocents)

1942 : Danny Williams

1943 : Leona Williams

1944 : Mike McGear (Scaffold)

1945 : Dave Cousins (The Strawbs)

1946 : Andy Brown (The Fortunes)

1946 : Jann Wenner

1948 : Kenny Loggins

1959 : Kathy Valentine (Go-Go’s)


How did we get the word spam for unwanted email – and when did we begin using the word?

On April 12, 1994, Laurence Canter, a lawyer in Phoenix, Arizona, sent out an unsolicited e-mail touting his firm to thousands of readers of online message boards. One anonymous Usenet user posted this suggested response: “Send coconuts and cans of Spam to Canter and Company.” “Spam” apparently resonated more than coconuts, and the term has been used ever since. (UPI)


This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Traveling should be much easier for Jordan Feliz in 2017. In his first decade of touring, Jordan says he’s gone through two Ford vans and 2 bands, spending over 200 days away from home in 2016 alone. But all that is about to change. For the first time Jordan has been able to lease a tour bus of his own. He posted: this is seriously a life changing thing for 2017 and the future, not just for my band and I because we actually get to sleep, but also because my wife and daughter, Jamie and Jolie, get to start to travel more with me! Jordan added: I have been walking on the bus yelling Thank you Jesus all day! Can’t begin tell you how thankful I am for this new season. 


Mandisa wants to know your list of favorite romantic comedies. Her list is: 1. Sleepless in Seattle 2. You’ve Got Mail 3. Hitch


A suggestion from Plumb: Today, think of 5 things you appreciate about your spouse and tell them. Just do it. Her top 5 include: 1. He loves our kids like crazy 2. He is great at problem solving 3. He is a resource for so many about so much 4. He almost always has a good attitude 5. He tolerates me on a long car ride after I ate deviled eggs.



Brandon Heath says 2017 is a milestone year. He posted a picture with some of his high school friends and added: 2017 is 20 years since I graduated. 



A life changing gift this week for Third Day’s Mark Lee. He posted: Moving forward my life will be divided into two distinct eras: before I got the Bacon Express, and after I got the Bacon Express. Who knew that a device designed to cook bacon would have that much of an impact?


Where would you choose to go for your birthday dinner? For Third Day front man Mac Powell the restaurant of choice was the Waffle House.


An interesting word picture from Casting Crowns Megan Garrett; she posted: Ever experienced a 140 lb English Mastiff with diarrhea? Hint: Imagine an indoor cow pasture (my house)…and an angry farmer (me). Not something any of us want to experience!


More on the next album from Jamie Grace. She announced this week that her latest project will be titled: The Happy Song. It will release on February 24.


The members of Tenth Avenue North now have their own official TENTH AVENUE NORTH TRADING CARDS!! You can collect all 5 at their merch table on the Winterjam Tour and get a FREE gift from the band. As an added bonus, if you find the Golden Followers card, you will win a private meet and greet with the band backstage, that day. 



MercyMe front man Bart Millard is doing his best to look at the glass as half-full. He posted: at least when you get a cold it makes you sound like Barry White.


(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )





OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational inspiration in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

CLOSE: Taking a windy day and making the best of it – that sounds like a great plan! Maybe this time everything will go smoothly with our jungle friends getting together, no one will get upset, and everyone will have a fun day! Yeah right… you know better than that! Tune in next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.


Wendy’s restaurant accidentally gives away $12,000 in today’s Moment of Duh!

Where’s the beef? One of Wendy’s customers will never ask this question again after receiving $12,000 accidentally from the fast-food restaurant. In Sacramento, California one Wendy’s was, for some inexplicable reason, storing $12,000 of the restaurant’s money in a regular food paper bag, along with food orders being made. That bag was accidentally given to a customer instead of their hamburger order. The customer has disappeared with money.



10. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

9. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

8. You don’t even wait for the water to boil any more.

7. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

6. You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.

5. You don’t get mad, you get steamed.

4. You can’t even remember your second cup.

3. You help your dog chase its tail.

2. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

1. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.


A robber is foiled by cornflakes!

FILE #1: 31-year-old Amber McCarthy was arrested in Bexhill, England and her cornflakes are to blame! She allegedly stole cash register money and flowers from a florist, and during the early morning crime was apparently munching away on a box of Corn Flakes for breakfast. She left a trail of those Corn Flakes for 300 yards — all the way back to her hotel room where police found her with the money and the flowers. Turns out she had stolen the Corn Flakes as well — from the hotel restaurant.

FILE #2: Police in Fullerton, California arrested 52-year-old Warren John Wilson who apparently had a bone to pick with bikers. Warren admitted he had nearly been run down by a cyclist so to seek revenge dug nearly 50 one to two-foot holes along a bike trail. He even attempted to hide some of the holes. Some riders went over their handlebars after hitting the holes but none reported major injuries. Warren now faces a single felony count of vandalism.

FILE #3: Police escorted a woman home after she was shopping, eating, and sleeping in a Georgia Walmart for three days straight. She blended in with the general Christmas madness and sustained herself by eating at the on-site Blimpie. When asked by employees at the end why she stayed for so long, she said, “I’m shopping.”

STRANGE LAW: In Maine, after January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up.


You can call it a case of creative drug-dealing.

Athens, Alaska police have a 38-year-old man in custody for allegedly accepting gift cards for payment for crack cocaine and prescription drugs. Police Captain Marty Bruce, a spokesman, said the man was arrested and charged with possession of a controlled substance. Bruce said officers executed a search warrant at the man’s house and seized crack cocaine, Xanax pills, $899 cash and $175 in gift cards.


How long can you leave your Christmas decorations up before it’s considered tacky? Who leaves their decorations up the longest? Anyone leave them up on the house all-year-round?


QUESTION: Who was allowed to bake bread with a fire fueled with cow manure?
ANSWER: Ezekiel (Ezekiel 4:9-17)


QUESTION: The Hurst Co. estimates that this tool has saved some 800,000 lives during the past 30 years. What?

ANSWER: The Jaws of Life


Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Mt. St. Helens is now taller than it was before the volcano erupted several years ago. (True… lava deposits built it up even higher after the eruption!)

2. The Catholic Church actually has a patron saint exclusively for bricklayers. (True, it’s St. Stephen)

3. The famous Walt Disney logo is actually Walt Disney’s autograph. (False, his autograph bears no resemblance whatsoever)

4. There are actually 12 books in the bible where the word God is never used. (False, there are only two: Song of Solomon and Esther)

5. If you don’t show up for a football game and have to forfeit the game, it means the record books will say you lost 2-0. (True)

6. Shirley Temple always had exactly 56 curls in her hair. (True)

7. The horse who played Mr. Ed was really named Mrs. G in real life. (False, he was named “Bamboo Harverster.”)

8. It takes 200 muscles just to lift your leg and move it forward. (False… it actually takes only about 40 to do that)

9. Ostriches can run faster than horses! (True)

10. There are about two hundred different varieties of rice. (False… there are more than 15 thousand different varieties)


You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!


LIVINGSTON, Mont. — “I now pronounce you, Can and Wife.”

Residents of a small Montana town were shocked today to see the public marriage of local resident Kim Parrot and a can of Mr. Pibb.

Understandably, the first response many had, was wondering why an attractive, 20-something woman would make this decision. For others, the question was something more pointed: “Didn’t they stop calling it Mr. Pibb years ago?”

“Yes, you could call my husband ‘a little vintage,’” Parrot said, her arm wrapped around her newly announced husband. “He has some years on him — and even a little rust — but trust me when I tell you that Mr. Pibb is Mr. Right.”

Parrot is hardly the first to try to marry an object instead of a human being, but what makes the case unique is that Livingston is the only city in the U.S. to allow marriages to beverages. A law established shortly before Prohibition, the national ban of alcohol from the 1920s, gave officials in the town the ability to wed their distilleries. This protected their operations from being shut down, thus giving them the ability to keep producing illegal drinks. Decades later, many are ignorant of the law — but not Parrot.

“It’s a carbonation abomination!” said Gus ‘Bumpy’ Bumperton, a Livingston grocery store owner. “Who ever heard of such a thing? This needs to be fixed now.”

Until officials take action, Parrot plans to move on with her marriage to the soda can as the two are heading out to a honeymoon to Las Vegas.

We plan to shake things up a bit,” Parrot said, pointing to the Mr. Pibb can. “But not too much!”



When Bill introduced his friend Wes to the proprietor of his favorite Chinese restaurant, the owner greeted him enthusiastically, saying, “Welcome, West.”
Wes shook his hand and smiled despite the mispronounced name.
All through the meal, the proprietor checked to make sure “West” was pleased. Finally, Wes corrected him, “It’s Wes, not West.”
“West, not West?” asked the confused man.
Wes smiled patiently and nodded. “Yes,” he said, “Wes, no ‘t’.”
“Ah,” said the proprietor and walked away with their teapot.


A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner. 

One turned to the other and said, “You know why I’m going to win this election? Because of my ‘personal touch.’ For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me.”

“Oh, is that so?” replied the other. “I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you.”


Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test.

Both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: “Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant.”

“How did you answer that last one?” asked Robert.  “I thought it was tough at first….  then I thought of *Superintendent*.”

“I think I got it right too,” Pete said.  “But I wrote down Horticulturist.”


Experts at Johns Hopkins Medical School say the meters on treadmills that say how many calories you’re burning could be off by as much as 15% because they calculate based on the average person’s body type.  ***And most of us are on the treadmill because we need to lose 15% of our body mass just to become average.

An Australian university study found that DVD screens in cars are dangerous because they distract drivers behind you. ***Especially when playing movies with subtitles.



A minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: “FOOL.”
The next Sunday he announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter.”



What are the three “R’s” in school again? Reading, ‘Riting and RETAIL?

Glasgow Caledonian University in Scotland is offering a new class to its students: Shopping 101! They even have a “Professor of Retailing” – Professor Christopher Moore. He says the department will examine how consumers select products and how they interact with each other and with staff. “Shopping is not just about going into a store; it’s about the whole gamut of human nature. What you buy says a lot about who you are and who you want to be,” Professor Moore said. ***MARLAR: I want to be Professor Moore when I grow up.  All the shopping you want, and you get the school to pay for it as a class project! That man is genius!



By Les Parrott III

One of the greatest saboteurs of our dreams and goals begins with one word: “someday.”

This word denotes idle thinking that’s rarely backed up by action. And most good-intentioned people utter it on a regular basis. It’s an easy way to invoke an excuse for putting off what would bring us closer to our goals.

Zig Ziglar, known worldwide for his upbeat motivational messages, tells the story of the fellow who went next door to borrow his neighbor’s lawnmower. The neighbor explained that he couldn’t let him use the mower because all the flights had been canceled from New York to Los Angeles. The borrower asked him what canceled flights from New York to Los Angeles had to do with him borrowing his lawnmower.

“It doesn’t have anything to do with it,” the neighbor replied. “But if I don’t want to let you use my lawnmower, one excuse is as good as another.”

The same is true for anyone looking to put off the work that brings them closer to reaching their goals.

“Someday, when I have the time or money.”

“Someday I’ll study up on that.”

“Someday after the kids have moved out.”


Some people go through life, day after day, piling one excuse on top of another. They’re looking for any reason at all to avoid working at their goals. If you catch yourself at the same place you were last year, pay attention to how well you manufacture excuses and how often you utter the word “someday.” And maybe today is the day that someday leaves your vocabulary.



Read: Jeremiah 18:1-6

As the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are you in My hand. —Jeremiah 18:6

One definition of the word attitude is “the angle of approach” that an aircraft takes when landing. Author Chris Spicer writes: “Attitudes are to life as the angle of approach is to flying.” He adds, “Attitude is the way we choose to think about things; attitudes will cause us to react and behave in a certain way.” He also says that attitudes are not inborn or accidental. They are learned and absorbed reactions; therefore they can be changed.

During my thirties, the Lord began convicting me of my wrong thinking toward myself, others, and life—negative, self-pitying, and bitter thinking. With the help of God’s Word, I recognized my need for change in three main areas: my attitudes, actions, and reactions. But I feared I couldn’t change. One day I read in Jeremiah 18 how the potter refashioned some marred clay (which is what I felt like) into a different vessel, as it pleased the potter. What I couldn’t do, my great Potter could! I only needed to be cooperative clay.

Today this vessel is far from finished. But as I put myself in the Potter’s hands, He keeps working on me and shaping my attitudes and actions. I call them Christ-attitudes, Christ-actions, and Christ-reactions.

The great Potter can do the same for you. —Joanie Yoder

Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Thou art the Potter, I am the clay;
Mold me and make me after Thy will,
While I am waiting, yielded and still. —Pollard
© 1935 Hope Publishing Co.

A change in the heart brings a change in behavior.



With all of the weird ways 911 operators get calls, the last thing they were expecting was a dog to call them – and mean it!

Man’s best friend turns out to be a woman’s best friend too – as well as her life-saver! An 8-year-old Irish setter named Lyric called 911 because her owner was in trouble. Her owner, Judi Bayly, had suffered an asthma attack and couldn’t wake up. After licking her owner’s face failed to revive her, Lyric got worried and called for help. “It’s amazing,” said Charlene Hall, a dispatcher at Nashua Fire and Rescue in New Hampshire. “The dog is trained to go over and hit that phone three times to get 911 and she barks into the receiver.” Lyric is a specially trained medical assistance dog and emergency workers say that day she saved a life.



If you wanted to make a New Year’s resolution to lose weight, but didn’t think you had enough time to exercise, there’s good news.

Actually, it may be bad news if you were just looking for an excuse to get out of it. Experts say it’s easy to sneak exercise into your routine and you don’t need to spend hours at the gym. It’s as easy as squeezing in five minutes of calisthenics, such as sit-ups or push-ups, in the morning, taking a 10-minute walk at lunch, pacing when talking on the phone and even marching in place while watching TV. Melina Jampolis wrote the book “The No Time to Lose Diet,” and she says even doing volunteer activity like coaching a Little League team, packing boxes at a food bank or cleaning up the neighborhood, can help you shed the pounds.



Type this up in the form of a letter from a local store and give it to your husband.  There’s a good chance half of it’s true.

Dear Mrs. ____,

    Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us again unless your husband stops his antics while you are shopping.  Below is a list of offences over the past few months, all verified by our surveillance cameras.

  • July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in house wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

  • July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3 in house wares”.

  • August 4: Went to the service desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s on lay away.

  • September 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.

  • September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’d bring pillows from the bedding department.

  • September 23: When our clerks ask whether they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

  • October 4: Looked right into the security camera, used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

  • November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knew where the antidepressants were.

  • December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

  • December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

  • December 21: When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams, “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”

There probably are more.



  • All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
  • Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
  • A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  • If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
  • When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
  • It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
  • A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
  • Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.


It’s called “fever phobia” – and if you’re a parent you’re going to want to know about it.

When parents notice their child has flushed cheeks and is hot to the touch they often anxiously reach for the thermometer to check for a fever and a pain reliever to bring it down. But “fever phobia” may be getting in the way of properly treating children, according to a study in the medical journal Pediatrics.  “Fever is the body’s normal response to an illness, so it doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. It’s how your body fights the infection,” explains study author Dr. Janice Sullivan, professor of pediatric critical care medicine at the University of Louisville in Kentucky.  About a third of all visits to the pediatrician are due to fever, usually caused by a bacterial or viral infection. Most fevers go away fairly quickly, are benign, and may actually protect the child. So pain relievers are primarily recommended to help alleviate some of the discomfort, not necessarily to bring the fever down to a certain level.


Regular attendance at religious services could have an added benefit: a longer life. That’s the word from Harvard researchers, who found that women who went to church at least twice a week were 33 percent less likely to die over the 20-year study period, compared with those who never attended. It’s believed the benefits come with being part of a community of faith and the communal practice of worship. The study found that women who attended worship at least once a week had a 27 percent lower risk of dying from heart disease and a 21 percent lower risk of dying from cancer, compared with those who never attended. Overall, the risk for dying dropped by 26 percent for those who attended worship weekly, while those who went less frequently saw their risk drop by 13 percent, compared with those who never attended. Meanwhile, women who attended church more than once a week had a 33 percent lower risk of death, compared with those who never attended.

When a police officer in Menomonie, Wisconsin, pulled over a young man for speeding, he considered giving him a ticket, not a lesson in dress for success. Officer Martin Folczyk pulled the car over and found Trevor Keeney, a clearly agitated University of Wisconsin-Stout student. Keeney said, “I have to get a tie tied! I have a presentation and I thought my buddy was home but he’s not, and I’m running behind.” Officer Folczyk then asked for the necktie and immediately started multitasking, putting the tie around his own neck, and tying it, while making sure Keeney’s license and insurance checked out. But the nice gesture wasn’t without slight complications. When he handed the tie back, it was too short for Keeney. So Folczyk re-tied it and then let Keeney go with just a warning. Now properly dressed, Keeney went on to get a 92 on his presentation for an outside sales class!

Folks may dread turning 50, but cheer up. The half-century mark appears to be the perfect age, according to a Harris Poll. When asked what age you would most like to stay if you could stop time and live forever in good health, 50 was the resounding response from young and old. Why is 50 so special? While those fine lines and streaks of silver do seem more prominent at this time of life, there also tends to be more life stability. Most people earn the highest paychecks of their career in their 50s. In addition, children are growing up or even on their own by the time their parents hit their 50s, which allows more freedom to do just about everything — from spending a lazy Saturday morning in bed to traveling on exotic vacations.  ***My opinion?  You’ll have to ask me in (2) years once I hit the mid-century mark!

You may delay retiring because you can’t afford to stop working, but there appears to be a positive health effect of this. It could lower your risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease, HealthDay News reports of research from France in what is the largest study of its kind. For each extra year that retirement was delayed, the research found that there was a 3 percent reduction in dementia risk. Specifically, someone who retired at age 65 had about a 15 percent lower risk of developing dementia, compared with someone retiring at 60, after other factors that affect those odds were taken into account, Dufouil said.


“I joined a health spa recently. They had a sign for ‘Free Weights’. So I took a couple.” — Scott Wood


Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JANUARY 06, 2017…

TEN BEST & WORST FILMS OF 2016 (Compiled by Marie Asner, celebrating 35 Years As Am Entertainment Reviewer)


  • A Monster Calls—Child dealing with grief. (PG 13)

  • Arrival— Science fiction with a heart. (PG 13)

  • Captain America: Civil War—The cost of friendship.(PG 13)

  • Certain Women—Life in Montana (rated R)

  • Eagle Huntress (documentary)—Great camera work. (PG)

  • Fences—Life in the 1950’s. (rated  R)

  • Jackie—Where were you on that day? (rated R)

  • La La Land—Dancing feet. (Rated PG 13).

  • Lion—Finding birth mother. Bring hanky.(rated R)

  • Manchester By The Sea—Dealing with old family wounds. (rated R)


  • Dark Horse (documentary)—A winning horse. (Rated PG).

  • Dough—Working at a bakery with humor. (PG 13)

  • Hidden Figures—New faces in the early space program. (PG 13)

  • Midnight Special—Humanity meets the unusual. (PG 13)

  • Rogue One: A Star Wars Story—Star Wars with a heart. Rated (PG 13).

  • Star Trek Beyond—Film three and we haven‘t gotten enough of James T. Kirk, yet. (PG 13)

  • Sully—Survival is possible with the right pilot.(PG 13)

  • 20th Century Women—Three generations of women try to cope with life.(Rated R)



  • Basic Plot Horror Films— Lights Out: don’t turn out the lights (no kidding and all rated R.) Before I Wake: don’t fall asleep (no kidding). Blair Witch—still in the woods (no kidding). Shut In—where is the sun when you need it?

  • Bridget Jones’s Baby— What’s next for Bridget, Middle School Parenting? (Rated R)

  • Ghostbusters— A sequel that should not have been made. (Rated PG 13)

  • Gross-Out Comedy Films Including the following, and all rated R.

  • Sausage Party (animated)—Just when you thought you have seen everything.

  • Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates—no kidding? Who would have thought…..

  • Bad Moms—would you want your kids to see this one?

  • Masterminds—Mindless comedy. (Rated PG 13).

  • Mechanic Resurrection—Going in the wrong direction. Straight down. (Rated R).

  • Neon Demon (rated R)–This one was gone in a flash. (Rated R).

  • Mr. Church—Eddie Murphy in a film that moves at a snail’s pace. (Rated PG 13).

  • Swiss Army Man—let the dead R.I.P. (Rated R).

  • Through The Looking Glass—Again? Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter? (Rated PG 13).


  • The Handmaiden (foreign film, subtitles)—Sexual content. (Rated a strong R).

  • The Hollars—Dysfunctional family by John Krasinski. (Rated R).

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.