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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160108 (Edited!)
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
People talk about the miracle of Christmas. The after-Christmas miracle is when the Christmas lights fit back into the same box you got them out of. –HaLife
My new diet suggests lots of complex carbs, so now I only eat Cheeze-Its in multiplications of Pi.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. — Psalm 3:3
Be imitators of God as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. —Ephesians 5:1-2
O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. — Psalm 130:7
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
Among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. — Ephesians 5:3
Thought: “Not even a hint!” Hmmmm! Don’t you wish it were true? The church I attend and the person I see most often in the mirror don’t quite measure up to this directive. If sexual temptation doesn’t get us, greed often does. In a culture of conspicuous consumption, greed concerns me more than the immorality and impurity. Not because I am unconcerned with impurity, but because we have become so calloused to our own greed. In this season of giving, let’s honestly examine our hearts about our “wanting,” “getting,” and “possessing.”
Prayer: Forgive me, generous LORD, for my selfishness and greed. Please give me a heart like yours. You demonstrated that heart when you shared your most precious gift with sinners like me. Now I am a child at your table and an heir of your inheritance. Thank you for your grace! Please, dear Lord, bless me with your Spirit who seeks to bring about a generous and gracious heart within me. In the name of the greatest gift of all, Jesus of Bethlehem, I pray. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
1 Corinthians 1:8 NIV = He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ.
TODAY IS FRIDAY – JANUARY 08, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 353 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is JOYGERM DAY. ***That’s what we need, happy little anthrax spores.
Today is SHOW AND TELL DAY at work. ***“Hi, everybody, I’m here to show you my jar of joygerms.”
Today is BUBBLE BATH DAY. ***A great way to get rid of those pesky joygerms.
Today is NATIONAL EAT SOMETHING RAW DAY. ***And here’s where we end the joygerm comments.
Today is NATIONAL CLEAN OFF YOUR DESK DAY.
Today is NATIONAL ORGANIZE YOUR HOME DAY. ***Are they kidding? It’s going to take me all day to clean off my desk!
Today is WOMEN’S DAY IN GREECE. ***Three cheers for Sandy, Rizzo and Frenchie! (audio clip)
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Earth’s Rotation Day
National English Toffee Day
National Bubble Bath Day
National Joy Germ Day
Show And Tell Day at Work
War on Poverty Day
COMING UP NEXT
SATURDAY, JANUARY 09
Balloon Ascension Day
National Cassoulet Day
SUNDAY, JANUARY 10
League of Nations Day
National Cut Your Energy Costs Day
Stephen Foster Day
MONDAY, JANUARY 11
Cigarettes Are Hazardous To Your Health Day
National Clean Off Your Desk Day
National Human Traffic Awareness Day
TUESDAY, JANUARY 12
National Poetry at Work Day
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 13
Public Radio Broadcasting Day
Rubber Ducky Day
THURSDAY, JANUARY 14
Caesarean Section Day
International Kite Day
Dress Up Your Pet Day
FRIDAY, JANUARY 15
International Fetish Day
SATURDAY, JANUARY 16
Appreciate a Dragon Day
Civil Service Day
Soup Swap Day
SUNDAY, JANUARY 17
Cable Car Day
Hot Heads Chili Days
Kid Inventors’ Day
World Religion Day
MONDAY, JANUARY 18
Hot Heads Chili Days
National Crowd Feed Day
National Day of Service
Pooh (Winnie The) Day
National Sanctity of Human Life Day (Pro-Life Day)
Martin Luther King Day
Robert E. Lee Day
ON THIS DAY
1889: Dr. Herman Hollerith of New York patented the first electric computer to process data. The company he founded to market the invention evolved into IBM.
1935: Elvis Presley was born in Tupelo, Mississippi.
1946: For his 11th birthday, Elvis Presley asked for a bicycle. Instead, his father bought him a guitar. ***MARLAR: Elvis could’ve been “The King of BMX!”
1964: President Lyndon Johnson declared a “War on Poverty.”
1973: Carly Simon received a gold record for the single, “You’re So Vain.”
1982: AT&T settled a Justice Department lawsuit by agreeing to divest itself of the 22 Bell System companies.
1991: Sweden’s King Carl-14th-Gustaf decided not to install a satellite dish on the roof of his castle because local cultural experts said it just wouldn’t look right.
1993: Elvis Presley postage stamps went on sale honoring the “King of Rock ‘n’ Roll.” In earlier voting, fans had chosen the younger, slimmer Elvis image for the stamp, rejecting an older, fatter image. Thousands gathered at Graceland mansion in Memphis to purchase the first issue of the stamp on what would have been his Elvis’ 58th birthday.
1994: Health authorities in New Hope, Minnesota, condemned the home of a 44-year-old woman after removing 454 live rats from it and estimating another 500 rats were hiding in the walls. Originally, the woman said she purchased three white rats to save them from being fed to snakes.
1992: President Bush collapsed during a state dinner in Tokyo, and threw up on Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa.
1994: Skater Tonya Harding won her second national championship. Her major competitor Nancy Kerrigan could not compete after an attacker had injured her knee two days earlier. Harding’s ex-husband was convicted of arranging the attack.
1996: Singer John Michael Montgomery married Kentucky coed Crystal White aboard the Nordic Empress docked in Miami.
1997: Police said pandemonium reigned in a poor Miami neighborhood after a Brinks armored car crashed into a guardrail and dumped a fortune in cash on the street. Brinks refused to tell police how much was lost, but estimates ranged as high as $500-thousand.
2001: A Japanese man choking on a sticky rice cake was saved when his daughter sucked the glob out with a vacuum cleaner. Family members first tried to remove the food with their fingers. Then the man’s 46-year-old daughter grabbed a vacuum cleaner, took out his dentures and stuck the hose into his mouth with the switch turned to high. The 70-year-old man had fully recovered by the time paramedics arrived.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1438: In an attempt to forge an alliance that would save Constantinople from the Turks, the Orthodox and Roman Catholic churches meet at the Council of Ferrara-Florence. A temporary union was reached, but Constantinople fell anyway in 1453, ending the Byzantine Empire.
1438: Mathematician, physicist, astronomer, and devout Roman Catholic Galileo Galilei dies in Arcetri, Italy, under house arrest by the Inquisition.
1800: In London, the first soup kitchens were opened for the relief of the poor.
1815: Andrew Jackson wins the battle of New Orleans and gives credit to Lord.
1945: New Tribes Mission holds its first training boot camp.
1954: The State Convention of Baptists in Ohio was formed, representing 39 Southern Baptist churches in that state.
1956: Missionaries Jim Elliot, Nate Saint, Roger Youderian, Ed McCully, and Pete Fleming are killed by Ecuadorean Indians they sought to evangelize. The story of the missionaries and their deaths along the Curaray River was publicized by Elliot’s widow, Elizabeth, in Through Gates of Splendor, published the following year.
1979: American Presbyterian apologist Francis Schaeffer wrote in a letter: ‘A Christian is a person who has the possibility of innumerable new starts.’
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
actress Ami Dolenz (Sloan Peterson on the “Ferris Bueller” TV show) 44 (
actress (“True Blood”, “Durham County”, “In Treatment”, “Wonderland”, “Prison Break”, “24”, “Homicide: Life On The Street”, she played ensign Ro on “Star Trek: The Next Generation”) Michelle Forbes 46
actress (The Black Hole, The Time Machine) Yvette Mimieux 70
TV host Bob Eubanks 75
journalist Charles Osgood 80
Elvis Presley would’ve been 81 today. Here are a few things you may or may not have known about The King…
“THE KING” FACTS…
- He was very polite. “He was always taught manners,” Sam Phillips says. “His mother thought there was no reason to treat people except with great respect. If you didn’t say ‘yessir’ and ‘nosir’ that was a cardinal sin.”
- Polite, yes – but you wouldn’t like him when he was angry. “He was real slow to anger,” Phillips says. “But once he was angered pound for pound I don’t know of a person who was stronger. I remember one time at the gas station out the back of the Peabody Hotel. This one person who didn’t like his long sideburns wouldn’t leave him alone. Elvis had him down on the concrete in no time flat.”
- Colonel Tom Parker really was a colonel. Sort of. Presley’s legendary manager was given an honorary colonel’s commission in October 1948 by Louisiana governor Jimmie Davis. Parker did serve in the U.S. Army in 1930 and 1931, but he didn’t attain the rank of colonel. (Parker wasn’t his real name, either.)
- Elvis’s gold suit was the genuine article. The colonel had it designed for him for the opening date of a 10-city tour in 1957. It was made by famous Hollywood tailor Nudie Cohen and cost $2,500. During the show, Elvis fell to his knees and left a pile of gold leaf on the stage. Afterward, a distraught Parker begged him never to do such a move again.
- He really loved his mother, Gladys. At her funeral in 1958, he tried to jump into her grave. For days afterward, he carried her nightgown around with him.
- He made 31 movies over 13 years. “Elvis hated most of those later films,” says friend and bodyguard Red West. “I mean, in Stay Away, Joe they had him singing to a bull.”
- He never sold more records in a year than in 1956. That’s when the single “Hound Dog” and its B-side, “Don’t Be Cruel,” sold 4.6 million copies in the United States.
- And never fewer than he sold in 1967. That year was the nadir of his Hollywood period. “The Easy Come, Easy Go EP never charted,” Jorgensen says. “That’s when Presley’s management realized something had to change. The movie was horrible. The songs were poor and poorly recorded, with bad arrangements. And Elvis didn’t sing them particularly well. I’m told the Cokes and burgers during the sessions were OK.”
- Elvis was an officer of the Memphis police force. Shelby County sheriff Roy Nixon made the King a chief deputy in 1970. He had legal authority, and could have made arrests if he’d wanted to, though he never did.
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1935 : Elvis Aaron Presley
1937 : Shirley Bassey
1940 : Little Anthony (The Imperials)
1943 : Lee Jackson (The Nice)
1943 : Marcus Hutson (The Whispers)
1946 : Robby Krieger (The Doors)
1947 : David Bowie in London. Singer
1947 : Terry Sylvester (The Hollies)
1948 : Paul King (Mungo Jerry)
1955 : Mike Reno (Loverboy)
1968 : R. Kelly
1969 : Jeff Abercrombie (Fuel)
1975 : Sean Paul
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Why do dogs spin around a few times before lying down?
Canine culture is peculiar. There is the doggy bone-burying ceremony, we are only just now developing a lexicon of tail-wagging signifiers. And cultural theorists have only begun to deconstruct dog-meet-dog sniffing. But when it comes to the old spin-around-before-lying-down routine, there’s an awfully simple explanation. Fido’s ancestors did not have the benefit of spacious suburban backyards or a nice, cushy pillow in a box in which to nap. After all, God didn’t create the world that way. So before they could lie down they had to clear a space in which to do it. That meant flattening out the surrounding underbrush by trampling on it. Do that for a few thousand years and it becomes a habit. Did you ever try to break a habit?
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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A word of warning from Jamie Grace this week: Whatever guy I marry…I need him to know that I sing ALL of the time. And I usually only sing at a normal volume and on key when I’m on stage.
A thought from worship leader Paul Baloche this week: Sometimes I think it’d be fun to start or play in a Zeppelin or Beatles cover band.
Casting Crowns Megan Garrett says things have changed over the years. She tweeted: I remember the time when I cared about how I looked when I got off the bus. Not anymore, friends. I may wear these huge sweat pants all day.
Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo says living with girls in the house creates some unique circumstances. He tweeted: “There’s hair in/on the sink/shower/toothbrush/mirror/TV remote/table/lint trap/my mouth/ceiling/hatchback/”
Casting Crowns’ Mark Hall commented on the irony of a recent purchase. He tweeted: I bought a wallet with insulated panels that keep thieves from scanning my information. And then gave it freely to the pizza guy over the phone.
Casting Crown’s Megan Garrett: When the female kitten you’ve had for a month turns out to be a male kitten…. I guess “Kenzie” is now “Ken Z.”
Switchfoot says there is a similarity between music and surfing. The members of the band pointed out: both area places of expression where you can go to lose yourself and find yourself all at once.
Kutless front man Jon Micah Sumrall was hanging out on the island Maui this week watching the surfers. Jon Micah says he even saw Bethany Hamilton get a couple really great rides in.
Citizenway’s Ben Blascoe says Germans are amazing. He said…they even engineer kissing. Ben posted a picture of some lip balm made in Germany. The directions said: apply to lips to make kisses better.
(No news on the weekends. Audio clips are only valid for a few days before being removed from our servers.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
A new app is available that lets owners find out if a house they’re thinking of buying has ever been a meth lab. *** Although finding beakers, propane, and breathing masks strewn all over the kitchen is probably a good indicator.
Thirty-eight percent of workers admit to occasionally calling in sick when they’re not actually sick. *** Sick of working… that’s honest though, right?
Stormy weather in the North Atlantic is set to bring balmy weather to the North Pole. Temperatures could hit 40 degrees, which would be about 50 degrees higher than average for this time of year. Fluctuations in temperature are actually not uncommon in the Arctic region, but a 50 to 60 degree shift would be very notable. *** Don’t worry though, we hear Santa does have red and white fur-lined swimming trunks. http://ti.me/1QYzp2V
Value is key to restaurant chains’ success in the new year — and Pizza Hut is no exception. This week Pizza Hut is debuting the new $5 Flavor Menu. The seven-item value menu will include one-topping pizzas, boneless wings, pasta, breadsticks, a chocolate chip cookie pizza, brownies, and four Pepsi beverages. Each item will be $5 each — when you order two or more. The new menu is part of a wider effort by the company to boost value options at the chain. *** So now you can do one job on Fiverr.com and order a pizza with it!
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
The Japanese have invented a bullet-proof iPhone. ***MARLAR: The trick is convincing muggers to not shoot you in the head but to aim for your belt clip instead.
You have to wonder about the reason for this study. In a Macquarie University study in Australia, new moms were asked to sniff unlabeled soiled diapers, and it was found that they preferred the smell of their own babies’ diaper-messes. ***MARLAR: Fathers who were asked to sniff the soiled diapers preferred to punch out the researchers.
Officials in Florida are testing using unmanned aerial vehicles to track down and take out mosquitoes. ***I’ve seen Florida mosquitoes. Those drones better have Hellfire missiles or they don’t stand a chance.
You know all of those “studies” that say you should be drinking eight glasses of water a day? I’ve been saying since the beginning that they were balderdash – designed to make money for those who sell water. Turns out I was right.
A new study shows drinking a lot of water isn’t as beneficial as you’ve heard, and drinking too much could actually be harmful. An article published in a British medical journal says there’s no evidence drinking water will improve your health. It also points out drinking water when you’re not thirsty can impair your concentration. Health experts have said drinking eight glasses a day can help you lose weight and prevent kidney damage, but the article’s author says those benefits are often exaggerated by groups which stand to profit from it. ***MARLAR: The next time someone says you should be drinking eight glasses of water a day, tell them they’re all wet and to go jump in a lake.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Wrong Numbers Never Busy”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Cecile Kaiser, “Phone On The Throne”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were selling all of their possessions and packing up to move out of the jungle as fast as possible because they were all terrified of a giant, disgusting, loud, smelly, awful giant-footed monster! But just before everyone moved, Sully the Aardvark thought about something…
CLOSE: Oh great… so maybe the monster IS real! Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JANUARY 09/10
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Louis the lion, a very young lion, was having a hard time dealing with his new responsibilities of being king of the jungle. In fact, he couldn’t make any decisions at all for the animals – but they were counting on him to make decisions on just about everything!
CLOSE: If Louis sneaks off to find someone else to be king, who will he find? And what will the animals do in the meantime? Tune in again to find out, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
A man tries to pay his traffic ticket – but the town’s mayor refuses it? That’s the making of a Moment of Duh!
After motorist T. Allen Morgan got a speeding ticket in Coopertown, Tennessee — a town known for its heavy-handed traffic enforcement — he tried to pay his ticket like a good citizen. But he added a little note on his check which angered Mayor Danny Crosby. The mayor refused to accept the check, sparking the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation to launch an investigation. Mayor Crosby told Morgan that he had to either write another check that didn’t have the words “for speed trap” written in bold letters or face the charges in traffic court. At the request of the District Attorney General John Carney, the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation is investigating if Mayor Crosby acted illegally by denying Morgan’s payment. The Mayor responded by saying, “As mayor of this city, if I accept that check from that gentleman, I’m admitting we run a speed trap, and that’s a bald-faced lie.” By the way, recently AAA officials said the automobile association was considering adding Coopertown to its list of national “strict enforcement areas,” an honor shared by only seven other cities.
TOP TEN iPOD ACCESSORIES
- The “hey! you’re about to run me through the washing machine” alarm
- Mr. Microphone attachment. If you’re going to sing along you may as well be heard by one and all.
- Museum-quality display case for last year’s model
- Battery charger for the battery powered iPod battery charger
- iPod Decoy: Throw this dispensable iPod look-a-like at any on comming, unwanted nerd to remove all attention from yourself, guarenteed!
- iCredit Card slot
- iShoes: Download n dance
- iPod Digital Forehead Banner: Includes 3 messages including, “I can’t hear you but this tune ROCKS.”
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Here’s something new — a very low speed police chase.
FILE #1: In Lake Crystal, Minnesota, 42-year-old Douglas Lee Meanne was finally captured by police and arrested for driving under the influence. But not before taking police on an extensive chase that reached top speeds of 25-mile-per-hour! This was mainly due to Douglas’ mode of transportation — a five-horse-power mini-motor cycle! Police initially talked Doug into pulling into a parking lot where he paused briefly, but then re-started the bike and zipped out the other side of the lot. The chase continued but slowed to 10-miles-per hour when one officer pulled alongside Doug and fired his Taser from his squad car window. The effort hindered Doug enough for the officer to get out of his car and push him off the bike. It took the help of another deputy to make the arrest.
FILE #2: Police in Sydney, Australia, are looking to track down their prized police dog Jed. Jed apparently broke out of his police yard home on New Year’s Eve when he was frightened by a big New Year’s fireworks show. Ironically, he’s trained to detect explosives. Explaining why a dog trained to sniff out bombs would get scared of fireworks, a police spokesperson said, “They are trained to find explosives, but they do not all like the sound of them.”
FILE #3: Some people just don’t know how to take no for an answer. In a Vancouver, Washington courtroom, John Flora was defending himself against charges that he stalked a woman for years. Claiming he was innocent, he destroyed his case when the alleged victim walked into the courtroom. At that moment, he leaped up thrust a $5,000 ring in her face and asked her to marry him. He was chained to his chair for the rest of the trial.
STRANGE LAW: At one time, Louisiana lawmakers must have thought that all women were potentially bad drivers. They passed a law making it mandatory for a husband to wave a flag in front of any car being driven by his wife. ***MARLAR: If lawmakers thought women were dangerous drivers, what were they thinking when they required the husband to wave the flag while standing in FRONT of the car?
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Calling the cops after a robbery lands the VICTIM in jail!
A 23-year-old woman reported being robbed by three men who came into her south Wichita home. She was a brave gal and apparently put up a fight, as she was treated for a cut to her head at a local hospital. Wichita police said the woman told them that three men came into her home shortly after 1 a.m., hit her in the head and took cash, stereo equipment, credit cards and a cell phone. The thieves didn’t make off with everything of value though – they overlooked her drug paraphernalia collection. It wasn’t overlooked by Wichita Police.
For his 11th birthday, Elvis Presley asked for a bicycle. Instead, his father bought him a guitar. What about you? What did you always want as a kid but never received?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who was the first woman to tell Jesus she believed he was the Messiah?
ANSWER: Martha. (John 11:24-27)
QUESTION: According to a poll by Progressive insurance, 63% of people say they do this with their cars. What?
ANSWER: Talk to it!
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- The largest Great White Shark ever caught measured 62 feet long. (False… it was big, but not THAT big! It was 37 feet long and weighed 12 tons! It was captured off the shores of New Brunswick in 1930)
- Three out of four people suffer from hemorrhoids! (False… it’s even worse! It’s 2 out of 3!)
- You burn more calories chewing and digesting a bite of celery than the celery has in it. (True)
- A dog sweats by panting. (False… they sweat through the pads of their feet.)
- The 8-hour day, minimum wages, and the 5-day work week were all established by President Gerald Ford. (False… it was Henry Ford – the car maker – that did all of that.)
- In Britain, a cookie is called a “biscuit” (True… I wonder what happens when you ask for a dog biscuit?)
- President Woodrow Wilson couldn’t read until he was 11 years old. (True)
- The twin popsicle was created so that a child would think he was getting more. (False… it was created during the Great Depression so that two children could share a single treat. It saved money.)
- Kellogg’s once ran a promotion that if a woman winked at a grocer, she would get a free box of their cereal. (True… nowadays you get arrested for harassment if you do that… welcome to the 21st century.)
- The bones of a pigeon weigh less than its feathers. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
ALIEN _______ FALLING ON U.S. (BALLS)
Large metallic balls dropping across the U.S. (and Africa). NASA and the U.N. confirmed the alien balls are from Planet Zeeba.
The hollow balls with a circumference of between 4 an 10 feet have been found all across the U.S. in the last forty-eight hours, according to authorities with NASA and the United Nations Panel on Extraterrestrials.
With a diameter of 3 to 6 feet, the balls have a rough surface and appear to consist of “two halves welded together”.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor and not to look in the envelope. As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: “You’re our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office.”
An angry motorist went back to a garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for his car just six months earlier. ”Listen”, the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, “when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!”
“Sorry”, apologized the garage owner. ”I didn’t think your car would last longer than that.”
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Murray was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker – “Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men’s tee, please!”
Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement – “Would the MAN on the WOMEN’S tee kindly back up to the men’s tee!”
Murray had enough. He straightens up and shouts, “Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?”
With new research, it’s been found that in the average lifetime 2 weeks are spent kissing and a whopping 9 years are spent watching TV. ***MARLAR: Which is essentially time spent watching people kissing.
Italian researchers say coffee appears to protect against an eyelid spasm that can lead to a type of blindness. ***MARLAR: The side-effect is dealing with the burn scars on your cornea.
An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade. “I can’t stop!” she shrilled. “What should I do?”
“Brace yourself,” advised her husband, “and try to hit something cheap!”
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
A bird lover ends up taking a flight of his own… straight down.
Phil Harrison of West Yorks, England, climbed a mill chimney to rescue a hawk that escaped from a friend’s aviary, but after grabbing it, he slipped and fell 30 feet. Miraculously, his life was saved when he landed in six inches of pigeon poop. He didn’t even let go of the hawk. He did break his neck and had to be hospitalized, but he’s expected to make a full recovery, thanks to landing in the pigeon droppings. ***MARLAR: And of course underneath that was his car. (audio clip)
HOW TO BE HAPPY
Love and trust God with all your soul, mind, and heart. Love your neighbor. Divorce your heart from hatred. Trust God to handle your worries. Simplify life. Help those whom God sends your way.
No one can go back and make a brand new start. Start from now and make a brand new ending. Don’t be easily discouraged — never quit — occupy yourself with a dream that both you and God can be proud of. Remember God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without sweat. He does give light for the way and
walks beside us.
Disappointments are part of life but need not be permanent. Move on! Sometimes God has thought of something better to give you. When bad or unpleasant things happen, deal with them in faith and keep going. God works through every trial to bring out something good and precious in the end.
Finding the right life’s partner is worth enduring the broken shallow relationships that cost you heartache to find. Persist and keep on. There is either a Mr. or Mrs. “Right” in your future, or God has some more intimate relationship with Himself to see you through. Don’t allow personal eccentricities spoil a marriage. Always give as much of yourself as you wish to be given. Be more willing to be thought at fault than to be proving yourself right at anther’s expense.
If you were going to die soon and had one person to share those last moments with, who would you call? Why not start now?
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
This is the Age of Options. And nothing points that out as clearly as the Internet. For instance, I punched in the word Camaro on Lycos.com and guess what? I was told there are 96,335 sites that I can look through. Do we really need that many choices? That’s like saying, “Hey, I found that thing you’re looking for… it’s somewhere on planet, Earth!”
Beyond the Internet, consider your options. 150 channels on your TV (unless you’re still using rabbit ears for your antenna). Dozens of radio stations. Forty kinds of shampoo. All those majors at your college. And of course, my ultimate dilemma, the numerous choices for the Extra Value Meal. No wonder it’s so hard to make decisions – we’re drowning in options!
And no wonder it’s harder and harder for you to keep your Christian life going on what Scripture calls “the narrow road” (Matthew 7:14). Every day you face hundreds of options, many of which run dead against what God calls you to do in life. In previous generations–your grandparents’ generation, for example–the difference between right and wrong was more obvious. In that culture, everyone would agree that if you honored your parents, loved God, avoided certain sins, and lived respectfully you were doing what was right. Now, however, our society questions all of those things and gives you the option of engaging in sin, not being respectful, ignoring God and still being considered a “good” person. In today’s society–with good and evil being relative terms, the sky is the limit on acceptable lifestyle options.
But consider this: These societal changes do not alter God’s view of right and wrong. If we want to please God, godly living is still our only option.
A California man used to have two pets… a pit bull terrier and a Burmese python. Now he only has ONE pet. Can you guess why?
A man in northern California loved his pets. He had a pit bulll terrier puppy – that was incredibly cute and loveable, and then (and I’ll never understand why) he also had a Burmese python. The man USED to have two pets. Now he has only one… a 200-pound python with a pit-bull-sized bulge in its stomach. The man called police immediately when he found that his snake had gotten loose and finally found it under his house… but then he realized that his 30-pound pit bull was also missing. Of course, that mystery was easily solved. It took three hours for the owner and a friend to corral the snake as police officers stood by for safety reasons. Officials are now investigating whether the python should be considered a wild animal and in violation of the city code. (audio clip)
LIFE… LIVE IT
EXCUSE ME DEAR
Do you think that your husband “really” listens to you when you speak? Rest assured that he does – it just doesn’t “look like he is”.
…Research has proven that when women listen to other women speak, they use an average of six expressions within 10 seconds to reflect and feed back the feelings of the person talking to them – basically mirroring the emotions being expressed by the speaker. On the other hand, men remain impassive while listening, so as not to betray emotions. And that typically answers why a woman will frequently accuse a man of not listening.
JUST FOR FUN
BUNCH OF DUMMIES
Cincinnati police are using dummy police officers to reduce speeding.
By placing mannequins dressed in police uniforms in cars alongside the highway, traffic accidents are down and so are speeding violations. You see, by the time drivers realize the characters are not real, drivers have already slowed down. But for those drivers that think they’ve learned the routine and decide to buzz by the dummy officers anyway, they’re still going to get nabbed, because the dummy has an automatically activated radar system to nail offenders. To keep commuters on their toes, officers plan to keep drivers guessing by occasionally swapping the dummies for real live policemen. ***MARLAR: So, again, it’s the speeders that end up being the real dummies.
- The Macy’s One Day Sale Flu.
- The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.
- The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.
- The My Husband/Wife’s Got the Week Off So Suddenly I’m Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.
- The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn’t Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.
- The There’s No Federal Holidays for Two Months, and I Want a Day Off Sickness.
- The It’s Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I’m a Teenager Again General Ailment.
- The I’ve Screwed Up Royally, and I Won’t Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.
- The I Really Am Sick and I’ve Got The Doctor’s Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.
- And, my personal favorite… the I’m Looking for a New Job and I Don’t Know How Long It’s Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
JET PROPULSION OF THE ELDERLY
Written by Elsa Prahl
When she rises from her seat
My grandma makes a little heat
To lift her bottom from the chair
A little jet fires up down there
And up she goes! Up on her feet!
Light as a feather, smooth and fleet!
If only all of us could fly
And tell the solid ground goodbye
With little jets from in our jeans
Fueled by broccoli and beans
With fire coming from the rear
We’d shoot up to the stratosphere!
But, alas, for gravity
Prevents this fun depravity
And no amount of oats or cheese
Will lift you up much past the trees
But it does help, or so I’m told,
To raise the bottoms of the old.
Here’s a bit of the background to this from the author: My 91 year old mom enjoys being naughty. She is equally amused and annoyed by her inability to control her gas. She loves to write poetry and our 23 year old Elsa has occasionally illustrates Mom’s poems, which Mom LOVES. Mom asked me if Elsa would illustrate something about the ‘jet propulsion’ of the elderly. I hated even asking Elsa, but she was game and last night created a very interesting collage with pictures from popular science and AARP magazine. Then she sent me this poem this afternoon to see what I thought. ‘The Gift’ has clearly been passed to the next generation.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
A report is sharing good news about marriage by debunking some of the myths about marriage and divorce. A recent report in Christianity Today offers the opinion that divorce rates aren’t as high as previously thought. It also looks at myths about marriage in the church and second marriages. http://ow.ly/GY7Fe
The news website Vox has found evidence that providing houses for the homeless is far cheaper than simply leaving them on the street. According to a report in Relevant Magazine, their findings are centered on the amount that local jurisdictions spend on law enforcement and medical issues related to homelessness compared to how much it actually costs to provide them with housing. They found that in some cases, it’s more than three times cheaper to actually give them a place to live.
Did you know that making out with your spouse is not only fun, it is also good for you. According to the web site Family Minute, Physicians from WebMD report that kissing gives some great medical benefits, including reduced blood pressure, a boosted immune system, and increased cardiovascular health. Kissing also has emotional benefits including lower stress and increased happiness. Thirdly, the report says kissing has relational benefits. It helps with bonding and also increases acceptance.
If you are thinking about popping the big question soon, you might want to read Tim Kimmels blog on public marriage proposals. In the Family Matters blog section, Tim suggests you might want to think twice before making your marriage proposal a public event. In his blog Tim points out several issues that a public proposal creates. He says he’s never seen anyone else speak out about this so he thought it was important to at least give you something to consider. So before you make your proposal complete with a flash mob or you ask the love of your life to marry you over the jumbo-tron, you might want to at least read Tim’s thoughts and see if you agree or disagree. http://goo.gl/fb/ehnd9Y
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
The boss finally confronted our receptionist for chewing her nails in public and told her to stop. In fact, she’s out there right now putting her shoes back on. –HaLife
THE WAY WE WORK
(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)
STAR WARS OVER LOOKS
My wife and I watched the Star Wars movie over the holidays. Along with a gazillion other people. Movie prices can kill you. We survived by doing the later afternoon show for roughly $6 each, getting a free popcorn (buttered, of course), and sharing a large drink. A mere $5.75 at the concession stand.
As shocking as some food item prices can be, we had a somewhat similar wake up call in seeing the original Star Wars heroes Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, and Carrie Fisher in the film. Imagine this…they’ve all AGED!!! How can it be?
The bigger surprises were Hamill and Fisher, or Luke and Leia if you prefer. That stands to reason since we’ve seen Harrison Ford in a number of films since his hang-around-with-Wookie days. Actually, Chewbacca looked pretty good after 38 years. Must be his stylist.
For those who weren’t around to see the original three Star Wars productions, no need to dwell on this age thing. Except to say…spoiler alert…you too will get wrinkled and gray! And probably wider.
Of course, I’m not the only one who noticed these physical changes. Apparently, LOTS of moviegoers have commented, and some quite rudely. You see, unlike life for most of us, Hollywood stars are not allowed to show this aging process. And if they have the audacity to show up on film in a way that makeup cannot overcome, well….OOFTA, as the Scandinavians would say.
Princess Leia has taken the brunt of fans’ criticism. Here’s the way it showed up in the Washington Post recently: “…Yet some longtime fans were stuck on a detail that shouldn’t have come as a surprise to anyone: The actors have aged. Or, to zone in on the preoccupation, Fisher has aged — and allegedly “not well.” Ouch. https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2015/12/30/carrie-fisher-strikes-back-at-haters-youthbeautyrnot-accomplishments/
Her original role as a princess had her on screen in a gold bikini. Producers decided not to do that outfit again. Since she is now a General, she must dress more appropriately. And she does.
But it’s her weight that drew criticism, even though she lost 35 pounds for her film role. Responding to some critics, Carrie tweeted, “My body is my brain bag, it hauls me around to those places and in front of faces where there’s something to say or see.” She’s made mention of weight in other tweets as well.
But the larger issue to Carrie Fisher (if you’ll excuse the pun) is that Hollywood isn’t made for the unattractive woman. In early December, she complained that an actress over 40 finds it difficult to get work. According to the Post, Fisher told Good Housekeeping magazine, “They don’t want to hire all of me – only about three-quarters…Nothing changes, it’s an appearance-driven thing. I’m in a business where the only thing that matters is weight and appearance. That is so messed up. They might as well say ‘get younger,’ because that’s how easy it is.”
Female actresses are not alone. Quite coincidentally, as I was preparing this blog, a New York Times piece appeared this week on females over 50 and jobless. As it’s stated, “… many of these older women now earn far less and use many fewer skills than they did before. Others have been left stranded without any job for months or even years. Some have given up the search altogether.” http://www.nytimes.com/2016/01/02/business/economy/over-50-female-and-jobless-even-as-others-return-to-work.html?emc=edit_th_20160102&nl=todaysheadlines&nlid=68618012
If the statistics are correct, here’s how it looks. A Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis study found job prospects shifted significantly for women after the so-called Great Recession, which began in 2007. Up to that point, women over 50 comprised about one quarter of the unemployed. Just seven years later, that same category has grown to around half the unemployed.
If our culture has become insensitive to the experience, wisdom, and insight of women in the workplace, value is lost. My heart especially goes out to women who are compelled to work outside the home due to life’s circumstances. My own mother was in that situation. Fortunately, employers considered her valuable even into her later years.
The Bible speaks about the value of the hard working woman in Proverbs 31, albeit a married one. It says, “When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: ‘There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!’ Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.” (Proverbs 31:26-31, NLT)
That one line is worth its weight in gold: Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
Yes, that woman is to be celebrated. Even to a galaxy far, far away.
That’s The Way WE Work. Click on the link to the right to connect via Facebook.
Catch “Let’s Talk with Mark Elfstrand” weekday afternoons from 4-6pm on AM 1160 Hope for Your Life. To listen to the live broadcast or a podcast of previous shows click here.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
Marie Asner’s Ten Best and Worst Films of 2015 In Alphabetical Order (Get the full list on Phantom Toolbooth here!)
Beasts Of No Nation (rated R)
How not to start a war.
99 Homes (rated R)
No second mortgages
Sicario (rated R) and “sicario” means “hitman
Revenge takes a lifetime
Spotlight (rated R)
How to write a news story
Suffragette (rated R)
It took this long for women to get the right to vote?
The Danish Girl (rated R)
A life of sadness
The Revenant (rated R)
Beware of your friends.
Trumbo (rated R)
Revisiting the Cold War
Truth (rated R)
Always check your facts
Youth (rated R)
The past is sometimes not pleasant.
Black Mass (rated R)
Murders in Boston
Brooklyn (PG 13)
Concussion (rated R)
The hard facts of sports
Jurassic World (PG 13)
Star Wars: The Force Awakens (PG-13)
Sunshine Superman (no rating)
Don’t try this at home
Legend (rated R)
Crime in London
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (rated PG)
Horns (rated R)
Don’t look in your mirror
Whatever is a horror sequel
Pan (PG 13)
Read the book
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (rated PG 13)
Ideas needed in a hurry
Rock The Kasbah (rated R)
Film in need of a story
San Andreas (rated PG-13)
Too many endings
The Big Short (rated R)
How not to invest
Vacation (rated PG 13)
How not to travel
Victor Frankenstein (rated R)
Not again? again? again?
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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)
Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.