January 08, 2017: Sunday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170108

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

People talk about the miracle of Christmas. The after-Christmas miracle is when the Christmas lights fit back into the same box you got them out of. –HaLife

My new diet suggests lots of complex carbs, so now I only eat Cheez-Its in multiplications of Pi.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. — Psalm 3:3

Be imitators of God as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. —Ephesians 5:1-2

O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. — Psalm 130:7

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

Among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. — Ephesians 5:3

Thought: “Not even a hint!” Hmmmm! Don’t you wish it were true? The church I attend and the person I see most often in the mirror don’t quite measure up to this directive. If sexual temptation doesn’t get us, greed often does. In a culture of conspicuous consumption, greed concerns me more than the immorality and impurity. Not because I am unconcerned with impurity, but because we have become so calloused to our own greed. In this season of giving, let’s honestly examine our hearts about our “wanting,” “getting,” and “possessing.”

Prayer: Forgive me, generous LORD, for my selfishness and greed. Please give me a heart like yours. You demonstrated that heart when you shared your most precious gift with sinners like me. Now I am a child at your table and an heir of your inheritance. Thank you for your grace! Please, dear Lord, bless me with your Spirit who seeks to bring about a generous and gracious heart within me. In the name of the greatest gift of all, Jesus of Bethlehem, I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the mo

1 Corinthians 1:8 NIV = He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ.

TODAY IS SUNDAY – JANUARY 08, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
351 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is JOYGERM DAY. ***That’s what we need, happy little anthrax spores.

Today is SHOW AND TELL DAY at work. ***“Hi, everybody, I’m here to show you my jar of joygerms.”

Today is BUBBLE BATH DAY. ***A great way to get rid of those pesky joygerms.

Today is NATIONAL EAT SOMETHING RAW DAY. ***And here’s where we end the joygerm comments.

Today is NATIONAL CLEAN OFF YOUR DESK DAY.

Today is NATIONAL ORGANIZE YOUR HOME DAY. ***Are they kidding? It’s going to take me all day to clean off my desk!

Today is WOMEN’S DAY IN GREECE. ***Three cheers for Sandy, Rizzo and Frenchie! (audio clip)

TODAY IS ALSO…
Argyle Day
Asarah B’Tevet
Bubble Bath Day Link
Earth’s Rotation Day
National English Toffee Day  Link
Midwife’s Day or Women’s Day
National Joy Germ Day
National Sunday Supper Day Link (2nd Sunday)
No Pants Subway Ride Day Link
Show and Tell Day at Work
War on Poverty Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

MONDAY, JANUARY 09

Balloon Ascension Day Link
Law Enforcement Appreciation Day Link  Link
National Cassoulet Day
National Clean Off Your Desk Day (2nd Monday)
National Static Electricity Day Link
Panama’s Martyr Day Link

TUESDAY, JANUARY 10

League of Nations Day
National Cut Your Energy Costs Day
National Poetry at Work Day (2nd Tuesday)
Stephen Foster Day

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 11

Cigarettes Are Hazardous To Your Health Day
Learn Your Name in Morse Code Day Link
National Human Trafficking Awareness Day Link

THURSDAY, JANUARY 12

I Am A Mentor Link
Kiss A Ginger Day Link (Red Heads)
National Hot Tea Day

FRIDAY, JANUARY 13

Friday the 13th

Blame Someone Else Day
Make Your Dream Come True Day Link
National Sticker Day Link
Public Radio Broadcasting Day

SATURDAY, JANUARY 14

Caesarean Section Day
Eagle Day
International Kite Day
Dress Up Your Pet Day Link
National Vision Board Day (2nd Saturday)
Organize Your Home Day Link
Ratification Day

SUNDAY, JANUARY 15

Alpha Kappa Alpha Day

Annoy Squidward Day (aka Your Boss) Link  (SpongeBob Squarepants)
Humanitarian Day
National Sanctity of Human Life Day (or Pro-Life Day): Link
World Religion Day Link

MONDAY, JANUARY 16

Appreciate A Dragon Day
Civil Service Day
Fig Newton Day Link  Link
Martin Luther King Day
National Crowd Feed Day
National Day of Service Link
Nothing Day
Religious Freedom Day Link
Without A Scalpel Day Link  Link

ON THIS DAY

1889: Dr. Herman Hollerith of New York patented the first electric computer to process data. The company he founded to market the invention evolved into IBM.

1935: Elvis Presley was born in Tupelo, Mississippi.

1946: For his 11th birthday, Elvis Presley asked for a bicycle. Instead, his father bought him a guitar. ***Elvis could’ve been “The King of BMX!”

1964: President Lyndon Johnson declared a “War on Poverty.”

1973: Carly Simon received a gold record for the single, “You’re So Vain.”

1982: AT&T settled a Justice Department lawsuit by agreeing to divest itself of the 22 Bell System companies.

1991: Sweden’s King Carl-14th-Gustaf decided not to install a satellite dish on the roof of his castle because local cultural experts said it just wouldn’t look right.

1993: Elvis Presley postage stamps went on sale honoring the “King of Rock ‘n’ Roll.” In earlier voting, fans had chosen the younger, slimmer Elvis image for the stamp, rejecting an older, fatter image. Thousands gathered at Graceland mansion in Memphis to purchase the first issue of the stamp on what would have been his Elvis’ 58th birthday.

1994: Health authorities in New Hope, Minnesota, condemned the home of a 44-year-old woman after removing 454 live rats from it and estimating another 500 rats were hiding in the walls. Originally, the woman said she purchased three white rats to save them from being fed to snakes.

1992: President Bush collapsed during a state dinner in Tokyo, and threw up on Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa.

1994: Skater Tonya Harding won her second national championship. Her major competitor Nancy Kerrigan could not compete after an attacker had injured her knee two days earlier. Harding’s ex-husband was convicted of arranging the attack.

1996: Singer John Michael Montgomery married Kentucky coed Crystal White aboard the Nordic Empress docked in Miami.

1997: Police said pandemonium reigned in a poor Miami neighborhood after a Brinks armored car crashed into a guardrail and dumped a fortune in cash on the street. Brinks refused to tell police how much was lost, but estimates ranged as high as $500-thousand.

2001: A Japanese man choking on a sticky rice cake was saved when his daughter sucked the glob out with a vacuum cleaner. Family members first tried to remove the food with their fingers. Then the man’s 46-year-old daughter grabbed a vacuum cleaner, took out his dentures and stuck the hose into his mouth with the switch turned to high. The 70-year-old man had fully recovered by the time paramedics arrived.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1438: In an attempt to forge an alliance that would save Constantinople from the Turks, the Orthodox and Roman Catholic churches meet at the Council of Ferrara-Florence. A temporary union was reached, but Constantinople fell anyway in 1453, ending the Byzantine Empire.

1438: Mathematician, physicist, astronomer, and devout Roman Catholic Galileo Galilei dies in Arcetri, Italy, under house arrest by the Inquisition.

1800: In London, the first soup kitchens were opened for the relief of the poor.

1815: Andrew Jackson wins the battle of New Orleans and gives credit to Lord.

1945: New Tribes Mission holds its first training boot camp.

1954: The State Convention of Baptists in Ohio was formed, representing 39 Southern Baptist churches in that state.

1956: Missionaries Jim Elliot, Nate Saint, Roger Youderian, Ed McCully, and Pete Fleming are killed by Ecuadorean Indians they sought to evangelize. The story of the missionaries and their deaths along the Curaray River was publicized by Elliot’s widow, Elizabeth, in Through Gates of Splendor, published the following year.

1979: American Presbyterian apologist Francis Schaeffer wrote in a letter: ‘A Christian is a person who has the possibility of innumerable new starts.’

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

actress Ami Dolenz (Sloan Peterson on the “Ferris Bueller” TV show, Can’t Buy Me Love, “General Hospital) 45 (audio clip)

actress (“True Blood”, “Durham County”, “In Treatment”, “Wonderland”, “Prison Break”, “24”, “Homicide: Life On The Street”, she played ensign Ro on “Star Trek: The Next Generation”) Michelle Forbes 47

actress (The Black Hole, The Time Machine) Yvette Mimieux 71

TV host Bob Eubanks 76

journalist Charles Osgood 81

Elvis Presley would’ve been 82 today. Here are a few things you may or may not have known about The King…

THE KING” FACTS…

  • He was very polite. “He was always taught manners,” Sam Phillips says. “His mother thought there was no reason to treat people except with great respect. If you didn’t say ‘yessir’ and ‘nosir’ that was a cardinal sin.”

  • Polite, yes – but you wouldn’t like him when he was angry. “He was real slow to anger,” Phillips says. “But once he was angered pound for pound I don’t know of a person who was stronger. I remember one time at the gas station out the back of the Peabody Hotel. This one person who didn’t like his long sideburns wouldn’t leave him alone. Elvis had him down on the concrete in no time flat.”

  • Colonel Tom Parker really was a colonel. Sort of. Presley’s legendary manager was given an honorary colonel’s commission in October 1948 by Louisiana governor Jimmie Davis. Parker did serve in the U.S. Army in 1930 and 1931, but he didn’t attain the rank of colonel. (Parker wasn’t his real name, either.)

  • Elvis’s gold suit was the genuine article. The colonel had it designed for him for the opening date of a 10-city tour in 1957. It was made by famous Hollywood tailor Nudie Cohen and cost $2,500. During the show, Elvis fell to his knees and left a pile of gold leaf on the stage. Afterward, a distraught Parker begged him never to do such a move again.

  • He really loved his mother, Gladys. At her funeral in 1958, he tried to jump into her grave. For days afterward, he carried her nightgown around with him.

  • He made 31 movies over 13 years. “Elvis hated most of those later films,” says friend and bodyguard Red West. “I mean, in Stay Away, Joe they had him singing to a bull.”

  • He never sold more records in a year than in 1956. That’s when the single “Hound Dog” and its B-side, “Don’t Be Cruel,” sold 4.6 million copies in the United States.

  • And never fewer than he sold in 1967. That year was the nadir of his Hollywood period. “The Easy Come, Easy Go EP never charted,” Jorgensen says. “That’s when Presley’s management realized something had to change. The movie was horrible. The songs were poor and poorly recorded, with bad arrangements. And Elvis didn’t sing them particularly well. I’m told the Cokes and burgers during the sessions were OK.”

  • Elvis was an officer of the Memphis police force. Shelby County sheriff Roy Nixon made the King a chief deputy in 1970. He had legal authority, and could have made arrests if he’d wanted to, though he never did.

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1935 : Elvis Aaron Presley

1937 : Shirley Bassey

1940 : Little Anthony (The Imperials)

1943 : Lee Jackson (The Nice)

1943 : Marcus Hutson (The Whispers)

1946 : Robby Krieger (The Doors)

1947 : David Bowie in London. Singer

1947 : Terry Sylvester (The Hollies)

1948 : Paul King (Mungo Jerry)

1955 : Mike Reno (Loverboy)

1968 : R. Kelly

1969 : Jeff Abercrombie (Fuel)

1975 : Sean Paul

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do dogs spin around a few times before lying down?

Canine culture is peculiar. There is the doggy bone-burying ceremony, we are only just now developing a lexicon of tail-wagging signifiers. And cultural theorists have only begun to deconstruct dog-meet-dog sniffing. But when it comes to the old spin-around-before-lying-down routine, there’s an awfully simple explanation. Fido’s ancestors did not have the benefit of spacious suburban backyards or a nice, cushy pillow in a box in which to nap. After all, God didn’t create the world that way. So before they could lie down they had to clear a space in which to do it. That meant flattening out the surrounding underbrush by trampling on it. Do that for a few thousand years and it becomes a habit. Did you ever try to break a habit?

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Traveling should be much easier for Jordan Feliz in 2017. In his first decade of touring, Jordan says he’s gone through two Ford vans and 2 bands, spending over 200 days away from home in 2016 alone. But all that is about to change. For the first time Jordan has been able to lease a tour bus of his own. He posted: this is seriously a life changing thing for 2017 and the future, not just for my band and I because we actually get to sleep, but also because my wife and daughter, Jamie and Jolie, get to start to travel more with me! Jordan added: I have been walking on the bus yelling Thank you Jesus all day! Can’t begin tell you how thankful I am for this new season. 

 

Mandisa wants to know your list of favorite romantic comedies. Her list is: 1. Sleepless in Seattle 2. You’ve Got Mail 3. Hitch

 

A suggestion from Plumb: Today, think of 5 things you appreciate about your spouse and tell them. Just do it. Her top 5 include: 1. He loves our kids like crazy 2. He is great at problem solving 3. He is a resource for so many about so much 4. He almost always has a good attitude 5. He tolerates me on a long car ride after I ate deviled eggs.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BOmvF3QDRlm/

 

Brandon Heath says 2017 is a milestone year. He posted a picture with some of his high school friends and added: 2017 is 20 years since I graduated. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BOkaFoiBV5E/

 

A life changing gift this week for Third Day’s Mark Lee. He posted: Moving forward my life will be divided into two distinct eras: before I got the Bacon Express, and after I got the Bacon Express. Who knew that a device designed to cook bacon would have that much of an impact?

 

Where would you choose to go for your birthday dinner? For Third Day front man Mac Powell the restaurant of choice was the Waffle House.

 

An interesting word picture from Casting Crowns Megan Garrett; she posted: Ever experienced a 140 lb English Mastiff with diarrhea? Hint: Imagine an indoor cow pasture (my house)…and an angry farmer (me). Not something any of us want to experience!

 

More on the next album from Jamie Grace. She announced this week that her latest project will be titled: The Happy Song. It will release on February 24.

 

The members of Tenth Avenue North now have their own official TENTH AVENUE NORTH TRADING CARDS!! You can collect all 5 at their merch table on the Winterjam Tour and get a FREE gift from the band. As an added bonus, if you find the Golden Followers card, you will win a private meet and greet with the band backstage, that day. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BO0bFJRlmVw/

 

MercyMe front man Bart Millard is doing his best to look at the glass as half-full. He posted: at least when you get a cold it makes you sound like Barry White.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational inspiration in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

CLOSE: Taking a windy day and making the best of it – that sounds like a great plan! Maybe this time everything will go smoothly with our jungle friends getting together, no one will get upset, and everyone will have a fun day! Yeah right… you know better than that! Tune in next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A man tries to pay his traffic ticket – but the town’s mayor refuses it?  That’s the making of a Moment of Duh!

After motorist T. Allen Morgan got a speeding ticket in Coopertown, Tennessee — a town known for its heavy-handed traffic enforcement — he tried to pay his ticket like a good citizen. But he added a little note on his check which angered Mayor Danny Crosby. The mayor refused to accept the check, sparking the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation to launch an investigation. Mayor Crosby told Morgan that he had to either write another check that didn’t have the words “for speed trap” written in bold letters or face the charges in traffic court. At the request of the District Attorney General John Carney, the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation is investigating if Mayor Crosby acted illegally by denying Morgan’s payment. The Mayor responded by saying, “As mayor of this city, if I accept that check from that gentleman, I’m admitting we run a speed trap, and that’s a bald-faced lie.” By the way, recently AAA officials said the automobile association was considering adding Coopertown to its list of national “strict enforcement areas,” an honor shared by only seven other cities.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN iPOD ACCESSORIES

10. The “hey! you’re about to run me through the washing machine” alarm

9. iGirlfriend

8. Mr. Microphone attachment. If you’re going to sing along you may as well be heard by one and all.

7. iCupHolder

6. Museum-quality display case for last year’s model

5. Battery charger for the battery powered iPod battery charger

4. iPod Decoy: Throw this dispensable iPod look-a-like at any oncoming, unwanted nerd to remove all attention from yourself, guaranteed!

3. iCredit Card slot

2. iShoes: Download n dance

1. iPod Digital Forehead Banner: Includes 3 messages including, “I can’t hear you but this tune ROCKS.”

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Here’s something new — a very low speed police chase.

FILE #1: In Lake Crystal, Minnesota, 42-year-old Douglas Lee Meanne was finally captured by police and arrested for driving under the influence. But not before taking police on an extensive chase that reached top speeds of 25-mile-per-hour! This was mainly due to Douglas’ mode of transportation — a five-horse-power mini-motor cycle! Police initially talked Doug into pulling into a parking lot where he paused briefly, but then re-started the bike and zipped out the other side of the lot. The chase continued but slowed to 10-miles-per hour when one officer pulled alongside Doug and fired his Taser from his squad car window. The effort hindered Doug enough for the officer to get out of his car and push him off the bike. It took the help of another deputy to make the arrest.

FILE #2: Police in Sydney, Australia, are looking to track down their prized police dog Jed. Jed apparently broke out of his police yard home on New Year’s Eve when he was frightened by a big New Year’s fireworks show. Ironically, he’s trained to detect explosives. Explaining why a dog trained to sniff out bombs would get scared of fireworks, a police spokesperson said, “They are trained to find explosives, but they do not all like the sound of them.”

FILE #3: Some people just don’t know how to take no for an answer. In a Vancouver, Washington courtroom, John Flora was defending himself against charges that he stalked a woman for years. Claiming he was innocent, he destroyed his case when the alleged victim walked into the courtroom. At that moment, he leaped up thrust a $5,000 ring in her face and asked her to marry him. He was chained to his chair for the rest of the trial.

STRANGE LAW: At one time, Louisiana lawmakers must have thought that all women were potentially bad drivers. They passed a law making it mandatory for a husband to wave a flag in front of any car being driven by his wife. ***If lawmakers thought women were dangerous drivers, what were they thinking when they required the husband to wave the flag while standing in FRONT of the car?

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Calling the cops after a robbery lands the VICTIM in jail!

A 23-year-old woman reported being robbed by three men who came into her south Wichita home.  She was a brave gal and apparently put up a fight, as she was treated for a cut to her head at a local hospital.  Wichita police said the woman told them that three men came into her home shortly after 1 a.m., hit her in the head and took cash, stereo equipment, credit cards and a cell phone.  The thieves didn’t make off with everything of value though – they overlooked her drug paraphernalia collection.  It wasn’t overlooked by Wichita Police.

PHONER PHUN

For his 11th birthday, Elvis Presley asked for a bicycle. Instead, his father bought him a guitar. What about you? What did you always want as a kid but never received?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who was the first woman to tell Jesus she believed he was the Messiah?

ANSWER: Martha. (John 11:24-27)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: According to a poll by Progressive insurance, 63% of people say they do this with their cars. What?

ANSWER: Talk to it!

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The largest Great White Shark ever caught measured 62 feet long. (False… it was big, but not THAT big! It was 37 feet long and weighed 12 tons! It was captured off the shores of New Brunswick in 1930)

2. Three out of four people suffer from hemorrhoids! (False… it’s even worse! It’s 2 out of 3!)

3. You burn more calories chewing and digesting a bite of celery than the celery has in it. (True)

4. A dog sweats by panting. (False… they sweat through the pads of their feet.)

5. The 8-hour day, minimum wages, and the 5-day work week were all established by President Gerald Ford. (False… it was Henry Ford – the car maker – that did all of that.)

6. In Britain, a cookie is called a “biscuit” (True… I wonder what happens when you ask for a dog biscuit?)

7. President Woodrow Wilson couldn’t read until he was 11 years old. (True)

8. The twin popsicle was created so that a child would think he was getting more. (False… it was created during the Great Depression so that two children could share a single treat. It saved money.)

9. Kellogg’s once ran a promotion that if a woman winked at a grocer, she would get a free box of their cereal. (True… nowadays you get arrested for harassment if you do that… welcome to the 21st century.)

10. The bones of a pigeon weigh less than its feathers. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

ALIEN _______ FALLING ON U.S. (BALLS)

Large metallic balls dropping across the U.S. (and Africa).  NASA and the U.N. confirmed the alien balls are from Planet Zeeba.

The hollow balls with a circumference of between 4 an 10 feet have been found all across the U.S. in the last forty-eight hours, according to authorities with NASA and the United Nations Panel on Extraterrestrials.

With a diameter of 3 to 6 feet, the balls have a rough surface and appear to consist of “two halves welded together”.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor and not to look in the envelope.  As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read:  “You’re our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office.”

JOKE #2

An angry motorist went back to a garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for his car just six months earlier.
”Listen”, the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, “when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!”

“Sorry”, apologized the garage owner.

”I didn’t think your car would last longer than that.”

JOKE #3

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Murray was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker – “Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men’s tee, please!”

Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. 
Again the announcement – “Would the MAN on the WOMEN’S tee kindly back up to the men’s tee!”

Murray had enough. He straightens up and shouts, “Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?”

USELESS FACTS

With new research, it’s been found that in the average lifetime 2 weeks are spent kissing and a whopping 9 years are spent watching TV.  ***Which is essentially time spent watching people kissing.

Italian researchers say coffee appears to protect against an eyelid spasm that can lead to a type of blindness.  ***The side-effect is dealing with the burn scars on your cornea.

FEATURED FUNNIES

BROKEN BRAKES
An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade.  “I can’t stop!” she shrilled. “What should I do?”
“Brace yourself,” advised her husband, “and try to hit something cheap!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A bird lover ends up taking a flight of his own… straight down.

Phil Harrison of West Yorks, England, climbed a mill chimney to rescue a hawk that escaped from a friend’s aviary, but after grabbing it, he slipped and fell 30 feet. Miraculously, his life was saved when he landed in six inches of pigeon poop. He didn’t even let go of the hawk. He did break his neck and had to be hospitalized, but he’s expected to make a full recovery, thanks to landing in the pigeon droppings.  ***MARLAR: And of course underneath that was his car. (audio clip)

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

HOW TO BE HAPPY
Love and trust God with all your soul, mind, and heart. Love your neighbor.  Divorce your heart from hatred. Trust God to handle your worries. Simplify life. Help those whom God sends your way.
No one can go back and make a brand new start. Start from now and make a brand new ending. Don’t be easily discouraged — never quit — occupy yourself with a dream that both you and God can be proud of. Remember God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without sweat. He does give light for the way and

walks beside us.
Disappointments are part of life but need not be permanent. Move on! Sometimes God has thought of something better to give you. When bad or unpleasant things happen, deal with them in faith and keep going. God works through every trial to bring out something good and precious in the end.
Finding the right life’s partner is worth enduring the broken shallow relationships that cost you heartache to find. Persist and keep on. There is either a Mr. or Mrs. “Right” in your future, or God has some more intimate relationship with Himself to see you through. Don’t allow personal eccentricities spoil a marriage. Always give as much of yourself as you wish to be given. Be more willing to be thought at fault than to be proving yourself right at anther’s expense.
If you were going to die soon and had one person to share those last moments with, who would you call? Why not start now?

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

OPTIONS

This is the Age of Options. And nothing points that out as clearly as the Internet. For instance, I punched in the word Camaro on Lycos.com and guess what? I was told there are 96,335 sites that I can look through. Do we really need that many choices?  That’s like saying, “Hey, I found that thing you’re looking for… it’s somewhere on planet, Earth!”

Beyond the Internet, consider your options. 150 channels on your TV (unless you’re still using rabbit ears for your antenna). Dozens of radio stations. Forty kinds of shampoo. All those majors at your college. And of course, my ultimate dilemma, the numerous choices for the Extra Value Meal. No wonder it’s so hard to make decisions – we’re drowning in options!

And no wonder it’s harder and harder for you to keep your Christian life going on what Scripture calls “the narrow road” (Matthew 7:14). Every day you face hundreds of options, many of which run dead against what God calls you to do in life. In previous generations–your grandparents’ generation, for example–the difference between right and wrong was more obvious. In that culture, everyone would agree that if you honored your parents, loved God, avoided certain sins, and lived respectfully you were doing what was right. Now, however, our society questions all of those things and gives you the option of engaging in sin, not being respectful, ignoring God and still being considered a “good” person. In today’s society–with good and evil being relative terms, the sky is the limit on acceptable lifestyle options.

But consider this: These societal changes do not alter God’s view of right and wrong. If we want to please God, godly living is still our only option.

LEFTOVERS

PET PROBLEM

A California man used to have two pets… a pit bull terrier and a Burmese python. Now he only has ONE pet.  Can you guess why?

A man in northern California loved his pets. He had a pit bulll terrier puppy – that was incredibly cute and loveable, and then (and I’ll never understand why) he also had a Burmese python. The man USED to have two pets. Now he has only one… a 200-pound python with a pit-bull-sized bulge in its stomach. The man called police immediately when he found that his snake had gotten loose and finally found it under his house… but then he realized that his 30-pound pit bull was also missing. Of course, that mystery was easily solved. It took three hours for the owner and a friend to corral the snake as police officers stood by for safety reasons.  Officials are now investigating whether the python should be considered a wild animal and in violation of the city code. (audio clip)

LIFE… LIVE IT

EXCUSE ME DEAR

Do you think that your husband “really” listens to you when you speak? Rest assured that he does – it just doesn’t “look like he is”.

…Research has proven that when women listen to other women speak, they use an average of six expressions within 10 seconds to reflect and feed back the feelings of the person talking to them – basically mirroring the emotions being expressed by the speaker. On the other hand, men remain impassive while listening, so as not to betray emotions. And that typically answers why a woman will frequently accuse a man of not listening.

JUST FOR FUN

BUNCH OF DUMMIES

Cincinnati police are using dummy police officers to reduce speeding.

By placing mannequins dressed in police uniforms in cars alongside the highway, traffic accidents are down and so are speeding violations. You see, by the time drivers realize the characters are not real, drivers have already slowed down. But for those drivers that think they’ve learned the routine and decide to buzz by the dummy officers anyway, they’re still going to get nabbed, because the dummy has an automatically activated radar system to nail offenders. To keep commuters on their toes, officers plan to keep drivers guessing by occasionally swapping the dummies for real live policemen.  ***MARLAR: So, again, it’s the speeders that end up being the real dummies.

FUN LIST

OFFICE ILLNESSES

  1. The Macy’s One Day Sale Flu.
  2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.
  3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.
  4. The My Husband/Wife’s Got the Week Off So Suddenly I’m Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.
  5. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn’t Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.
  6. The There’s No Federal Holidays for Two Months, and I Want a Day Off Sickness.
  7. The It’s Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I’m a Teenager Again General Ailment.
  8. The I’ve Screwed Up Royally, and I Won’t Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.
  9. The I Really Am Sick and I’ve Got The Doctor’s Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.
  10. And, my personal favorite… the I’m Looking for a New Job and I Don’t Know How Long It’s Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

JET PROPULSION OF THE ELDERLY

Written by Elsa Prahl

When she rises from her seat

My grandma makes a little heat

To lift her bottom from the chair

A little jet fires up down there

And up she goes! Up on her feet!

Light as a feather, smooth and fleet!

If only all of us could fly

And tell the solid ground goodbye

With little jets from in our jeans

Fueled by broccoli and beans

With fire coming from the rear

We’d shoot up to the stratosphere!

But, alas, for gravity

Prevents this fun depravity

And no amount of oats or cheese

Will lift you up much past the trees

But it does help, or so I’m told,

To raise the bottoms of the old.

[Here’s a bit of the background to this from the author: My 91 year old mom enjoys being naughty.  She is equally amused and annoyed by her inability to control her gas. She loves to write poetry and our 23 year old Elsa has occasionally illustrates Mom’s poems, which Mom LOVES.  Mom asked me if Elsa would illustrate something about the ‘jet propulsion’ of the elderly.  I hated even asking Elsa, but she was game and last night created a very interesting collage with pictures from popular science and AARP magazine. Then she sent me this poem this afternoon to see what I thought.  ‘The Gift’ has clearly been passed to the next generation.]

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Regular attendance at religious services could have an added benefit: a longer life. That’s the word from Harvard researchers, who found that women who went to church at least twice a week were 33 percent less likely to die over the 20-year study period, compared with those who never attended. It’s believed the benefits come with being part of a community of faith and the communal practice of worship. The study found that women who attended worship at least once a week had a 27 percent lower risk of dying from heart disease and a 21 percent lower risk of dying from cancer, compared with those who never attended. Overall, the risk for dying dropped by 26 percent for those who attended worship weekly, while those who went less frequently saw their risk drop by 13 percent, compared with those who never attended. Meanwhile, women who attended church more than once a week had a 33 percent lower risk of death, compared with those who never attended.

When a police officer in Menomonie, Wisconsin, pulled over a young man for speeding, he considered giving him a ticket, not a lesson in dress for success. Officer Martin Folczyk pulled the car over and found Trevor Keeney, a clearly agitated University of Wisconsin-Stout student. Keeney said, “I have to get a tie tied! I have a presentation and I thought my buddy was home but he’s not, and I’m running behind.” Officer Folczyk then asked for the necktie and immediately started multitasking, putting the tie around his own neck, and tying it, while making sure Keeney’s license and insurance checked out. But the nice gesture wasn’t without slight complications. When he handed the tie back, it was too short for Keeney. So Folczyk re-tied it and then let Keeney go with just a warning. Now properly dressed, Keeney went on to get a 92 on his presentation for an outside sales class!

Folks may dread turning 50, but cheer up. The half-century mark appears to be the perfect age, according to a Harris Poll. When asked what age you would most like to stay if you could stop time and live forever in good health, 50 was the resounding response from young and old. Why is 50 so special? While those fine lines and streaks of silver do seem more prominent at this time of life, there also tends to be more life stability. Most people earn the highest paychecks of their career in their 50s. In addition, children are growing up or even on their own by the time their parents hit their 50s, which allows more freedom to do just about everything — from spending a lazy Saturday morning in bed to traveling on exotic vacations.  ***My opinion?  You’ll have to ask me in (2) years once I hit the mid-century mark!

You may delay retiring because you can’t afford to stop working, but there appears to be a positive health effect of this. It could lower your risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease, HealthDay News reports of research from France in what is the largest study of its kind. For each extra year that retirement was delayed, the research found that there was a 3 percent reduction in dementia risk. Specifically, someone who retired at age 65 had about a 15 percent lower risk of developing dementia, compared with someone retiring at 60, after other factors that affect those odds were taken into account, Dufouil said.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

The boss finally confronted our receptionist for chewing her nails in public and told her to stop. In fact, she’s out there right now putting her shoes back on. –HaLife

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JANUARY 06, 2017…

TEN BEST & WORST FILMS OF 2016 (Compiled by Marie Asner, celebrating 35 Years As Am Entertainment Reviewer)

BEST FILMS, LISTED IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER…

  • A Monster Calls—Child dealing with grief. (PG 13)

  • Arrival— Science fiction with a heart. (PG 13)

  • Captain America: Civil War—The cost of friendship.(PG 13)

  • Certain Women—Life in Montana (rated R)

  • Eagle Huntress (documentary)—Great camera work. (PG)

  • Fences—Life in the 1950’s. (rated  R)

  • Jackie—Where were you on that day? (rated R)

  • La La Land—Dancing feet. (Rated PG 13).

  • Lion—Finding birth mother. Bring hanky.(rated R)

  • Manchester By The Sea—Dealing with old family wounds. (rated R)

BEST FILMS, RUNNERS UP…

  • Dark Horse (documentary)—A winning horse. (Rated PG).

  • Dough—Working at a bakery with humor. (PG 13)

  • Hidden Figures—New faces in the early space program. (PG 13)

  • Midnight Special—Humanity meets the unusual. (PG 13)

  • Rogue One: A Star Wars Story—Star Wars with a heart. Rated (PG 13).

  • Star Trek Beyond—Film three and we haven‘t gotten enough of James T. Kirk, yet. (PG 13)

  • Sully—Survival is possible with the right pilot.(PG 13)

  • 20th Century Women—Three generations of women try to cope with life.(Rated R)

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WORST FILMS, LISTED IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER…

  • Basic Plot Horror Films— Lights Out: don’t turn out the lights (no kidding and all rated R.) Before I Wake: don’t fall asleep (no kidding). Blair Witch—still in the woods (no kidding). Shut In—where is the sun when you need it?

  • Bridget Jones’s Baby— What’s next for Bridget, Middle School Parenting? (Rated R)

  • Ghostbusters— A sequel that should not have been made. (Rated PG 13)

  • Gross-Out Comedy Films Including the following, and all rated R.

  • Sausage Party (animated)—Just when you thought you have seen everything.

  • Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates—no kidding? Who would have thought…..

  • Bad Moms—would you want your kids to see this one?

  • Masterminds—Mindless comedy. (Rated PG 13).

  • Mechanic Resurrection—Going in the wrong direction. Straight down. (Rated R).

  • Neon Demon (rated R)–This one was gone in a flash. (Rated R).

  • Mr. Church—Eddie Murphy in a film that moves at a snail’s pace. (Rated PG 13).

  • Swiss Army Man—let the dead R.I.P. (Rated R).

  • Through The Looking Glass—Again? Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter? (Rated PG 13).

WORST FILMS, RUNNERS UP…

  • The Handmaiden (foreign film, subtitles)—Sexual content. (Rated a strong R).

  • The Hollars—Dysfunctional family by John Krasinski. (Rated R).

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.