January 09, 2017: Monday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170109

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! It’s part of your subscription now! Email me to get FTP access and your free customized tag!)

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

It’s (THE JOCK SHOW), the #1 show in (CITY) among serious radio buffs — and even among some of you who don’t do any buffing at all.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. — Joshua 1:9

Seek good, not evil, that you may live. Then the Lord God Almighty will be with you, just as you say he is. Hate evil, love good; maintain justice in the courts. —Amos 5:14-15

[Joshua said] “The LORD your God did to the Jordan just what he had done to the For the LORD your God dried up the Jordan before you until you had crossed over. The LORD your God did to the Jordan what he had done to the Red Sea when he dried it up before us until we had crossed over. He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the LORD is powerful and so that you might always fear the LORD your God.” — Joshua 4:23-24

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. — Lamentations 3:22-23

Thought: What sustained you through the night? What will get you through today? What will enable you to achieve, even thrive, in the days that lie ahead? The LORD’s mercies. These incredible resources never really run out! Each new day brings a fresh supply of them. God is faithful to make sure we have them each day. Praise be to God for making our world new and clean each new day.

Prayer: Thank you, holy God and loving Father, for sustaining me through the night and promising me endless day at the end of my life’s journey. May you, my Father in heaven, find love and praise on my lips and in my heart at all times. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the mo

Joshua 1:9 NIV = …Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

TODAY IS SUNDAY – JANUARY 08, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
351 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL STATIC CLING DAY.  *** Not sure about the “cling” part – but we are purposely adding static to our on-air signal this morning out of respect for the holiday.

PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN DAY. On this day in 1993, responding to a sensor alarm, Mission Control at Cape Canaveral scolded space shuttle Endeavor astronauts to please remember and put the toilet seat down. ***How can you ladies expect us everyday guys to remember to put the seat down if even NASA astronauts forget to do it?

Today is NATIONAL STUFFED ANIMAL LAUNDRY DAY.  ***I would never allow my mother to wash my Winnie the Pooh bear when I was growing up.  I watched her try it the first time, and as soon as Pooh was under water and she shut the lid, I was scared he was going to drown.

Today is NATIONAL MILK SHAKE DAY. ***Just be sure the cap is on the milk jug before you begin shaking.

Today is MUFFIN DAY. *** Or at my house – “Stud-Muffin Day.” (audio clip)

TODAY IS ALSO…
Balloon Ascension Day Link
Law Enforcement Appreciation Day Link  Link
National Cassoulet Day
National Clean Off Your Desk Day (2nd Monday)
National Static Electricity Day Link
Panama’s Martyr Day Link

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

TUESDAY, JANUARY 10

League of Nations Day
National Cut Your Energy Costs Day
National Poetry at Work Day (2nd Tuesday)
Stephen Foster Day

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 11

Cigarettes Are Hazardous To Your Health Day
Learn Your Name in Morse Code Day Link
National Human Trafficking Awareness Day Link

THURSDAY, JANUARY 12

I Am A Mentor Link
Kiss A Ginger Day Link (Red Heads)
National Hot Tea Day

FRIDAY, JANUARY 13

Friday the 13th

Blame Someone Else Day
Make Your Dream Come True Day Link
National Sticker Day Link
Public Radio Broadcasting Day

SATURDAY, JANUARY 14

Caesarean Section Day
Eagle Day
International Kite Day
Dress Up Your Pet Day Link
National Vision Board Day (2nd Saturday)
Organize Your Home Day Link
Ratification Day

SUNDAY, JANUARY 15

Alpha Kappa Alpha Day

Annoy Squidward Day (aka Your Boss) Link  (SpongeBob Squarepants)
Humanitarian Day
National Sanctity of Human Life Day (or Pro-Life Day): Link
World Religion Day Link

MONDAY, JANUARY 16

Appreciate A Dragon Day
Civil Service Day
Fig Newton Day Link  Link
Martin Luther King Day
National Crowd Feed Day
National Day of Service Link
Nothing Day
Religious Freedom Day Link
Without A Scalpel Day Link  Link

ON THIS DAY

1902: New York State introduced a bill to outlaw flirting in public.

1913: Richard Milhous Nixon, the 37th U.S. president, was born in Yorba Linda, California. Today is a public holiday in Yorba Linda.

1940: Singer/actor Jimmy Boyd was born in McComb, Missouri. From 1957 until 1961 he played Howard Meechim on TV’s “Bachelor Father.” His biggest song was 1952’s Christmas hit, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.”

1959: CBS-TV premiered Rawhide, starring newcomer Clint Eastwood as Rowdy Yates, Eric Fleming as Gil Favor, Sheb Wooley as Pete Nolan, and Paul Bringar as Wishbone. The western lasted 7½ seasons.

1975: The longest continuous yodel was recorded, lasting five hours and three minutes.

1979: Olivia Newton-John, Rita Coolidge, the Bee Gees, Rod Stewart, Donna Summer, John Denver, Kris Kristofferson, Abba and Earth, Wind & Fire led “A Gift of Song,” a benefit concert at the United Nations General Assembly in New York..

1982: The Johnny Cash Parkway was opened in Hendersonville, Tennessee.

1987: Actor Arthur Lake died at age 81. He starred as Dagwood Bumstead in 27 Blondie movies. Although Penny Singleton played Blondie in the films, Lake’s wife Patricia Van Cleve was one of three Blondies on radio. Lake also played Dagwood in the 1957 Blondie TV series.

1993: Responding to a sensor alarm, Mission Control at Cape Canaveral scolded space shuttle Endeavor astronauts to please remember and put the toilet seat down.

1993: When German bank robber Rolf Gorlach called to complain that the newspaper had made a mistake in reporting his robbery, reporters taped the conversation. Police recognized Rolf’s voice and arrested him immediately.

1994: Following a speech to NATO leaders in Belgium, U.S. President Bill Clinton was given a saxophone from Dinant, Belgium, the home town of the instrument’s inventor, Adolphe Sax.

2003: A 20-ounce burger fashioned from ultra-tender Kobe beef debuted at New York’s landmark Old Homestead restaurant. At $41, it was the most expensive hamburger in the city and the first time the 135-year-old steakhouse ever sold a burger. It came with garlic shoestring fries.

2004: Archaeologists announced they’d found five more chambers in the tomb of Qin Shihuang, China’s first emperor. The rooms were believed to cover 750,000 square feet.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1569: Philip of Moscow, primate of the Russian Orthodox Church, is murdered by Czar Ivan IV, also called Ivan the Terrible.

1765: Samuel Stillman is installed at First Baptist Church, Boston. He had great influence on winning separation of church and state in the US.

1777: Pioneer American Methodist bishop Francis Asbury wrote in his journal: ‘My soul lives constantly as in the presence of God, and enjoys much of His divine favor. His love is better than life!’

1836: The first Roman Catholic college to be founded in the Deep South, Spring Hill College was established in Spring Hill, Arkansas.

1895: First missionaries from the Gospel Missionary Union land in Tangier, Morocco.

1944: A convict on the Virginia chain gang was converted to faith in Christ! The one time Edward Martin had escaped from the chain gang, a reward of $10 was posted for his capture. That is all he was considered worth, dead or alive. His conversion came about when his sister’s roomate began writing him letters with scripture. Ed answered every letter, reading the only Bible in camp. His transformation was so complete that one of the guards recommended him from parole. After parole, he married the letter writer, Miss Alfreda Enders. Eventually he was issued a full pardon, but not before he had served as a foreign missionary and founded Hope Aglow ministries to serve other convicts like himself.

1947: Japan’s Christian Layman’s Association formed under Dr. S. Uzawa former president of the Japanese bar association and Dr. T. Yamamoto, a prominent scientist.

1953: S. Hugh Paine, Christian businessman and leader of the Gideons dies.

1970: After 140 years of unofficial racial discrimination, the Mormons issued an official statement declaring that blacks were not yet to receive the priesthood “for reasons which we believe are known to God, but which He has not made fully known to man.”

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

Kate Middleton (Duchess of Cambridge); 35

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1839 : John Knowles Paine

1941 : Joan Baez

1943 : Dick Yount (Harpers Bizarre)

1943 : Kenneth Kelly (The Manhattans)

1944 : James Patrick “Jimmy” Page (Led Zeppelin, The Yardbirds, The Honeydrippers, The Firm)

1948 : Cassie Gaines (Lynyrd Skynyrd)

1948 : Paul King (Mungo Jerry)

1950 : Steve McRay (.38 Special)

1951 : Crystal Gayle

1953 : David Johansen (New York Dolls)

1963 : Eric Erlandson (Hole)

1967 : Carl Bell (Fuel)

1967 : Steve Harwell (Smash Mouth)

1967 : Dave Matthews (The Dave Matthews Band)

1978 : A.J. McLean (Backstreet Boys)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How did Thousand Island dressing get its name?

It was developed by Sophia LaLonde of Clayton, New York, USA. Actor May Irwin “discovered” it in the early 1900s when served it at the Lalonde’s home. She named it after the Thousand Islands area of the St. Lawrence Seaway and popularized it by introducing it to the owner of the Waldorf Astoria Hotel in New York City.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Jimmy Needham says there are 3 things he will never fully understand: My God. My wife. Professional Wrestling.

 

A bit of Trivia about NeedtoBreathe front man Bear Rinehart: He was named after after the famous football coach Bear Bryant.

 

What do you do when it snows in Tennessee? You cook hamburgers outside. Mercyme guitarist Mike Scheuchzer posted this week: who me? Just grilling burgers in the snow.  https://www.instagram.com/p/BO5yj7VjGQM/

 

Good news on Jay Weaver’s continued recovery. The bass player for Big Daddy Weave had both feet amputated last summer after a very serious infection so the family was concerned late in the year when a spot of infection showed up on his right ankle. However, Jay’s family recently reported that the infection has cleared up and doctors say both ankles have healed well. In fact, they have been given the all clear to call and set up an appointment to begin preparing for prosthetics.

 

Jamie Grace earlier announced plans to move with her family from Atlanta to California. She said this week that the reality of the move is getting real. On her job list this week: returned my cable box, canceled my local gym membership, got rid of 20 sweaters.

Building 429 guitarist Jesse Garcia was in court last week. Early in the day he posted: Guess what I get to do today? Report for jury duty. However, it looks like his actual time in the jury box will be delayed. Following today’s meeting Jesse shared an update. He said: I was selected for jury duty after all…but not until May. Gonna see if the judge will let me get some practice with the gavel.

 

NASA used the Hawk Nelson song Diamonds as their backdrop as they wrapped up the diamond anniversary year of the John H. Glenn Research Center in Cleveland, Ohio. The 75 second video is a look back at the entire years celebration, sharing the best of the 2016 events. 

https://twitter.com/nasaglenn/status/815256358287196160

 

Casting Crowns Josh Mix shared a picture of his family at the table as he celebrated his anniversary last week. He posted: Three years ago I couldn’t imagine waking up to this. It’s messy in here and far from perfect, but so are we. I see Gods grace and love in her everyday towards me and the boys. I’m so happy I get to see God reveal so much to me in this marriage and family.  https://www.instagram.com/p/BO2SRIkB_h6/

 

Question for the day from Audio Adrenaline front man Adam Agee: Should we take down the Christmas tree or nah.

 

Kerrie Roberts: Between family and friends, we celebrated four Christmases. It’s nice to sit down now in the quiet enjoying simple little new things that warm my soul and heart…or at least I think it would be…baby just started crying.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Mattel is introducing an Amazon Echo style toy for kids. ***Because what this world truly needed was an easier way to play “The Wheels On The Bus Go Round and Round.”

Jennifer Lopez has obtained a temporary restraining order against a man who’s accused of harassing the singer and actress and trespassing at her home. ***It’s not too restrictive though, because she likes the fact that she’s finally getting some attention again.

A new app called “Hi from the Other Side” hopes to bridge that divide between Trump and Clinton supporters. Started by 29-year-old Henry Tsai, a student at Harvard Business School, the app brings together Clinton supporters and Trump voters to do the thing they want to do least — talk to each other. Interested users are paired up with someone who voted for the other candidate. The site encourages users to not just email, but to actually speak to each other, whether over the phone, on video or in person.  ***So it’s an app that connects you with people you don’t want to talk to?  Don’t we already have enough of that on Facebook?

How far would you go to hide your drunk driving arrest?  A New York man who was arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated in Wayne County, New York, unsuccessfully attempted to keep his name out of the news by removing the news source altogether. Joseph Talbot bought 900 newspapers, at $1.25 a pop, in an effort to keep others from seeing his DUI arrest and mugshot. ***Apparently Joe is too old to understand how technology works.

Omarosa Manigault, the Apprentice contestant fired three times by Donald Trump, has been hired for a job as a public liaison in the Trump White House. ***I wouldn’t expect her to last long though, since Donald is already in the habit of telling her she’s fired.

A McDonald’s has opened in the pope’s neighborhood in Vatican City.  ***They still offer free water, but it’s blessed before each serving.

South Korea is ramping up plans to create a “decapitation unit” whose chief mission is to paralyze North Korea by wiping out its top officials – including Kim Jong Un. The program, formally known as the “Korea Massive Punishment and Retaliation” system, was originally slated for 2019, but South Korea moved it up two years ahead of schedule as a result of Kim’s constant threats to attack his neighbors with nuclear bombs.  ***Hey guys, while you’re stupidly telegraphing this to the entire world so everyone can hear your plans, can we also get a day and time for this punishment you’re planning?  You know, so we can all watch TV as it happens and see you fail miserably now that you’ve told everyone – including Kim Jong Un?

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

More than half of Americans who regularly go to the gym said they dread the month of January because resolution-makers move in and take over.  ***Wait a minute – aren’t these the very same people that have been pestering us all year that we need to get to the gym in the first place? So shut up!

What’s the number one time-waster at work? Meetings. That’s the word from 32% of the people in 200 countries who were surveyed by Microsoft when they were asked to name the top time-wasters at work that interfere with their ability to get the job done.  On average, each participant spends 5.6 hours a week in meetings, and 69% of that time with colleagues is considered pointless.  Lack of team communication and unclear objectives were also named by 32 percent at the top time-wasters. Coming in right after these were unclear priorities, chosen by 31%, followed by procrastination at 29%.  In totally, 17 hours of an average 45-hour work week are unproductive due to these “productivity pitfalls.” That’s more than one-third of the work week!  ***Our boss has scheduled a meeting for us after the show to address this very issue.

The average woman will spend the equivalent of 41.5 months of her life chatting on the phone to her mom. Research revealed most women make at least one call a day to their mom with the conversation lasting 21 minutes. One in ten women call their mother at least three times a day, spending a total of 63 minutes chatting.  ***Sadly, 62 of those minutes are spent complaining about men.

America, you suck at using the turn signal. In a study (by the Society of Automotive Engineers) we’ve learned that 25% of U.S. drivers “improperly use their turn signals” while out on the road. In the same study nearly half of all drivers don’t use their signal to switch lanes.  ***And according to (CHICAGO) traffic, the other half of drivers don’t know their car has a turn signal at all.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational inspiration in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

CLOSE: Taking a windy day and making the best of it – that sounds like a great plan! Maybe this time everything will go smoothly with our jungle friends getting together, no one will get upset, and everyone will have a fun day! Yeah right… you know better than that! Tune in next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

How can it be illegal to get a great bargain at the supermarket?

There’s at least one place in the world that you don’t have to worry about paying high prices for groceries. The Malaysian government is cracking down on shop owners that are inflating their prices. Get this? They’re also cracking down on shoppers who pay too much for their food. Customers as well as shopkeepers face fines or two years in jail if they are found guilty of ignoring price controls on a designated thirteen food items, which include potatoes, cabbage, fish and red chili. Over 700 enforcement officers have been deployed to check on prices. A spokesman for the Federation of Malaysian Consumers’ Associations called the move “crazy and ridiculous”.  We call it a Moment of Duh.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN TIPS FOR STAYING YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. “An idle mind is the devil’s workshop;” the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.

4. Enjoy the simple things. When the children are young, that is all that you can afford. When they are in college, that is all that you can afford. When you are on retirement, that is all that you can afford!

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be alive while you are alive, don’t put out a mailbox on the highway of death and just wait in residence for your mail.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don’t take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a foreign country, but not to guilt country.

10. Tell the people you love, that you love them, at every opportunity.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

The words “Taste the Rainbow” might be appropriate for today’s files of Law & Disorder!

FILE #1: A trail of Skittles candy wrappers led police to three children whom they charged with breaking into a vending machine and robbing a coin-operated laundry. Police were called to Angel’s Coin Laundry to investigate a smashed window, $10 in missing quarters and stolen candy from a vending machine. Officer Tom Wright noticed the empty candy bags and followed them to a nearby boy on his bike. The boy admitted that he broke into the store with his brother and a friend. (Not the greatest criminal masterminds here. Not only does the boy readily admit that he did it, but he didn’t even have the common sense to ride his bike away from the scene of the crime!) The three boys, ages 9, 12 and 14, were taken to the Gainesville Juvenile Assessment Center.

FILE #2: A Springfield, OH, crook thought he’d chosen the perfect target for a parking lot robbery, a man in a wheelchair. The robber approached Robert J. Anway from behind, grabbed him, and demanded money. What he didn’t know was, Anway is a former Navy Seal who had been a karate instructor before becoming disabled. When the attacker reached for the money, Anway grabbed him by the wrist and broke his arm. The attacker’s screams of pain led an onlooker to call 911. When police arrived, they found Anway still holding on to the broken arm of the man, who pleaded with the cops to make the wheelchaired-man turn him loose.

FILE #3: Verba Wilson confessed to police it was not the first time she and the young girl had stolen from the Wal-Mart where they were detained. But, according to Verba, at least they only steal stuff that’s age appropriate. The great granddaughter had about $120 worth of Pokemon cards. And the great grandmother (great being a relative term here), she had taken a $4 bottle of Maalox.  ***MARLAR: So, according to the grandmother, the lesson here for the granddaughter is simply this, “Stealing is bad, but only when you steal stuff you don’t want.”  Sure, that makes sense.

STRANGE LAW: In Montana, sheep placed in the cab of a truck must be accompanied by a chaperone.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A man robs a bank, and then catches a bus as a getaway vehicle!

Mike Monroe held up a local bank, getting away with $800. After observing him make his getaway on a city bus, bank employees called the cops. Portland police stopped the bus and, working on the description from the bank teller, quickly grabbed Mr. Monroe. The cop found all the money and asked Mike to explain why he was in possession of so much cash. Mike answered, “I’m a drug dealer. And a good one.” The officer then replies, “Well, if it’s drug money, I’ll have to seize it.” To which Mike said, “Whoa, wait a minute. $200 of that is my money. It doesn’t all belong to the bank.” Busted!

PHONER PHUN

Today is PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN DAY. What little things do people in your house do that drive you nuts? Leave the toilet seat up? Squeeze the toothpaste from the middle? Toilet paper rolling the wrong direction? Leaving underwear in the living room? They might be small things, but they annoy the tar out of you – what are they?

(On this day in 1993, responding to a sensor alarm, Mission Control at Cape Canaveral scolded space shuttle Endeavor astronauts to please remember and put the toilet seat down.)

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: How many stones did David gather from the brook before his attack on Goliath?

ANSWER: Five (1 Samuel 17:40)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What do experts recommend using as a cleaning solution for diamond jewelry?

ANSWER: Vodka

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Charles Ginsburg led the team that invented the Hot Air Balloon. (False, The VCR)

2. Little League baseball had its birthplace in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. (True)

3. Although the Little League baseball museum is actually in Evansville, Indiana. (False, it’s still in PA)

4. The largest Chinatown outside Asia is in Miami Florida. (False, San Francisco)

5. Reindeer now run wild in the Arizona ghost town of Oatman. (False, but Donkeys do – or, to use the local word, burros)

6. The yellow brick road in Las Vegas’ MGM Grand Hotel is actually green. (False, it’s the Yellow Brick Road from The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, so it’s yellow!)

7. Block Island is a summer resort in Virginia. (False, Rhode Island)

8. Patty, Maxene, and LaVerne were the Pointer Sisters. (False, The Andrews Sisters)

9. Fess Parker played Davy Crockett in a 1955 Disney film. (True)

10. Much like we throw rice at newlywed couples in America to wish them luck, the Japanese throw deep fried potatoes that are kind of like potato chips at their brides and groom. (False, of course!)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

__________ DROPPING FROM ARKANSAS SKY (BLACKBIRDS)

ARKANSAS – Once again, hundreds of dead blackbirds are falling from the Arkansas sky – two years in a row.

The town of Beebe, Arkansas has seen this before, and citizens are wondering why this is happening to them again.  Well, it’s not just them this time.  Blackbirds are dropping all across Arkansas.

ABC Arkansas affiliate KATV reported that a radar image showed a large mass over Beebe a few hours before midnight on New Year’s Eve. Then the birds began falling from the sky, just like last year.  Similar reports came from across Arkansas.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

It was a sweltering August day when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker, “Mr. Ford,” announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. “We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry.” Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. “We would like to demonstrate it to you in person.”
After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black automobile parked in front of the building. Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. “Please step inside, Mr. Ford.”
“What!” shouted the tycoon, “Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!”
“It is,” smiled the youngest brother, Max, “but sit down Mr. Ford and push the white button.” Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool.
“This is amazing!” exclaimed Ford. “How much do you want for the patent?”
Norman spoke up, “The price is one million dollars.” Then he paused. And there is something else. The name ‘Cohen Brothers Air-conditioning’ must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!”
“Money is no problem,” retorted Ford, “but no way will I have another name next to my logo on my cars!’ They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohens’ name would be left off. However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.
And that is why, even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel: NORM, HI and MAX.

JOKE #2

A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day.  “Doc, there’s something wrong with me. Every time I stand in a baby’s high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum
foil that’s wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?”

“Sure!” The doctor said.  “You have way too much time on your hands!”

JOKE #3

A pastor was assigned to a new church. He was worried how he would be received. At a reception for the pastor, he was given a nametag. Under his name was written, “Hog caller”.

The pastor responded by saying, “I usually am called ‘shepherd of the sheep’, but you know your congregation better than I do!”

USELESS FACTS

Britain’s Independent newspaper reports that first, disco and ’70s fashions made a comeback, and now, the scents of the ’70s are back. Sales are rising, especially among young consumers, of so-called “heritage scents”: fragrances such as Charlie, Brut and Old Spice.  ***So if you’ve ever wanted to smell like afros and bell-bottom jeans…

Tyson Foods is working with a company to design a fuel made out of animal fat.  ***But not trans-fats, because that’s bad for your car’s bloodstream.

Singing when tense helps you avoid anxiety and depression. ***Although it very well could cause anxiety and depression in those who have to hear you.

FEATURED FUNNIES

MATH PROBLEMS
Mrs. Johnson the elementary school math teacher was having children do problems on the blackboard that day.  “Who would like to do the first problem, addition?”
No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and with some help he finally got it right.
“Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?”  Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem but there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him.
“Who would like to do the third problem, division?”  Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at nothing in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right.
“Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?”  Johnny’s hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room. Mrs. Johnson finally gained her composure in the stunned silence. “Why the enthusiasm, Johnny?”
“The Bible says to go forth and multiply!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

THAT, UH, BIG FOOTBALL GAME THINGY…

Did you know that you can’t say the words “Super Bowl” to advertise the Super Bowl? 

If your station or restaurant or place of business is having a party on the day of the final game of the NFL season in which one team will be the acknowledged champion for the next year, you can’t call it a “Super Bowl” party.  Only the NFL can do that.  You can get sued.  And you don’t want that, do you?  So, as a public service, here are some euphemisms you can use for your “you-know-what” party.

  • The Halftime Show Party in the middle of a really big Football Game.

  • A Soup or Bowl Party

  • A Celebration with Over-The-Hill Lip Synching Celebrities

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

GOD IS GOOD

There was an old man at our church who had loved God all of his life. The man, John, walked around saying “God is Good”. He said it all the time, whenever and wherever he was. When John got married he said, “God is Good”.

When John lost his job he said, “God is Good”.

When John’s father died he said, “God is Good”.

When John’s wallet got stolen he said, “God is Good”.

Well, you get the idea, no matter what John did, or what happened to him, we would always hear him say, “God is Good”.

A few months ago, John was diagnosed with cancer. The disease had spread rapidly and he was told by his doctor he’d have only a few weeks to live. Still, even on his death bed, John could be heard by everyone in the hospital repeating his famous line, “God is Good”.

Our pastor Charles was John’s best friend. Charles went everyday to visit John in the hospital. And every night before Charles left John would tell him, “God is Good”.

Finally after weeks of watching his best friend get worse and worse from his terminal disease, Charles just could not stand it any longer and asked John, ” John you are my best friend and I love you. I love the Lord as much as you do, too. I have listened to you say that God is Good your whole life. Through the good times, maybe I can understand you saying how good God is. Maybe even through the hard times, to help yourself cope. But now, laying here on your death bed, how can you be so optimistic? How can you say God is good every day when you know he is letting you die?”

John just looked at Charles and smiled.

“Dear friend, don’t you see all of those times I was saying God was Good, it was my way of praising him in the little way I could. And look what my reward is for remaining faithful, I am dying. You say God is letting me die as if that is a bad thing. Charles, have you forgotten that is our goal. To live our life for Him, and join him one day in heaven. See, GOD IS GOOD! He has finally called me home and in a few hours I will be with Him. I can’t imagine anything greater than that.”

John died that night in his sleep. Charles stood up and said only two things at John’s funeral: “I will miss my friend but I know I will see him again one day soon…and GOD IS GOOD.”

–Ruth Benson

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

A superior court judge in Indianapolis made news when she paid $1 of her own money to post bail for a burglary suspect. The judge let herself become personally involved for several reasons: The suspect did not have a dime. He had no prior record. The jail was already overcrowded. And a minimal bond had to be set so that a deputy could be assigned to escort the suspect to a work-release center to wait for trial. So the judge posted the bail herself just to keep the process moving.

It may seem that this judge did a kindhearted, practical, beneficial thing, and she may well have. But her actions got her in a pile of trouble. She was accused of losing her objectivity because she posted a defendant’s bond. She faced so much pressure that eventually she had to remove herself from the case.

Jesus also is a Judge who becomes personally involved in the lives of those who are scheduled to stand before His court. He gives a lot more than a token dollar bill, however. He already has sacrificed His own life when He shed His blood on the cross as payment for the sins of the world.

But His actions cannot be criticized.

Instead, He deserves the highest honor. Praise for Christ will someday resound around the throne of God because He willingly paid our debt of sin. The halls of eternal justice will ring with the voices of millions of angels praising the one Judge who is worthy to judge the world–because of the personal price He paid on the cross.

Jesus did not compromise justice. He fulfilled it when He paid the penalty for our sin with His life. Because He did, our Savior and Judge deserves our endless praise.

With Your blood You purchased men for God.” –Revelation 5:9

LEFTOVERS

YOU’LL BE COUGHIN’ IN YOUR COFFIN IF YOU SMOKE (audio clip)

Danish scientists report that at least one in four heavy, long-term smokers who do not quit will develop the deadly lung disease chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. That includes chronic bronchitis and emphysema and is a leading cause of death worldwide.  As the lungs are destroyed, signs will begin to show like fatigue, shortness of breath and difficulty breathing.

LIFE… LIVE IT

Do you think you’re ugly? Are you depressed about that? Do you think cosmetic surgery is the answer? You might want to think about that again…

New research has shown that people who spend thousands on a nip and a tuck aren’t actually any happier as a result. Medical researchers in Australia surveyed the patients of a cosmetic clinic, and about 50-percent of them had symptoms of “imagined ugliness” disorder. So even after the surgery, they still felt ugly. Up to half the women who have cosmetic surgery suffer from depression and unhappiness afterward. The researchers suggest they would benefit more from psychological help instead.

JUST FOR FUN

PIPE DREAMS

College students can get a bachelor’s degree in a great many subjects… and now you can add one more to the list… Bachelor of Bagpipes. Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama in Glasgow has openings for ten students, and have already received over 50 applications since the advertisement first came out. To receive a Bachelor’s degree in Bagpipes you’ll have to study piping technology, the physics of sound and musical transcripts. You’ll have to be placed in a teacher training college.  ***MARLAR: I might also suggest a couple of other classes to add to the curriculum… “How to Wear a Kilt” and “Dealing With Others Who Don’t Like Annoying Instruments.”

FUN LIST

NEW YEAR AFFIRMATIONS

At the end of one year and the start of another, many of us will renew our commitment to living with daily affirmations. I know the power of affirming my truth, over and over, everyday! While these may not suit everyone’s taste, here are some “possible” affirmations to consider!

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

4. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

5. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.

6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

7. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.

8. I am at one with my duality.

9. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.

10. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

11. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so!”

13. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

14. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

15. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future?

16. The complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that the conspiracy is working.

17. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he’s a mile away and barefoot .

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

TECH-CENTRIC NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

Between your new regimen of daily workouts, volunteering, painting or whatever else you’ve resolved to do more of in the New Year, make time for a few tech-centric resolutions. They’re low impact and will keep your memories and online identity safer, your mind sharper and your friendships healthier.

  • Back up your stuff–Back up your files. Do it now, do it often, do not put it off until your hard drive suddenly and unexpectedly perishes or until your laptop is stolen from a cafe when you run to the bathroom.

  • Turn on 2-factor authentication–Hopefully by now you know and follow all the best practices for protecting your passwords: Avoid dictionary words; use multiword pass phrases; don’t use the same password across multiple sites; keep it memorable but not obvious. But strong passwords aren’t enough to keep you completely secure. When it comes to your important online accounts, one of the most effective security measures you can take is turning on two-factor authentication. Two-factor authentication requires you to confirm your identity with two separate things. Typically it’s something you know, like a password, and something you have, like your cell phone or a key fob. For example, when you try to log in to a Gmail account from an unrecognized location, Google will text you a code you need to enter.

  • Scan old photos–We all have them. The stacks of old photos hidden in boxes under the bed or collecting dust in basements. If you don’t have digital copies of these gems, stop stalling and start scanning. Natural disasters, floods and fires can wipe out film memories in an instant.

  • Step away from the smartphone–If you spend most of the day with your nose buried in a smartphone, tablet or computer, make an effort to break out of the digital world and interact more with the humans around you in the next year. Don’t habitually check your online social networks while hanging out with your flesh-and-blood friends.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

We joke and call them “senior moments,” but it’s not funny when you can’t remember a word, a person’s name or where you put your keys. The solution? Go take a walk. When seniors regularly took brisk walks for one year, an amazing thing happened: The hippocampus, the section of the brain that is involved in memory, actually grew in size, according to researchers from the University of Pittsburgh and University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Typically, the hippocampus shrinks as we age.

Julie survived a shooting at a Kansas cell phone store, but doctors had to amputate her arms and legs. According to KWCH TV, she hoped to be fitted with myoelectric hands, at a cost of $130,000 each, but her insurance would only pay for mechanical hooks. Then a Wichita couple stepped in. After a chance meeting with Koch Industries VP and attorney Mark Holden, Holden and his wife surprised Julie with a Christmas present, her brand new hands. Holden did not want any attention for his generosity. He says her story is simply a reminder to be grateful for what we have and pay it forward any chance you get.

http://www.kwch.com/content/news/Koch-VP-buys-hands-for-Julie-Dombo–407690935.html

It takes 15 to 20 seconds of hand washing to kill disease-causing germs, but most people only wash their hands for about 6 seconds, including restaurant workers. Improper hand washing contributes to nearly 50 percent of all foodborne illness outbreaks. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, you should wash your hands under running water and with soap for at least 20 seconds. An easy way to time it is to wash your hands as long as it takes you to sing the “Happy Birthday” song two times. Then, leaving the water running, dry your hands with a paper towel and use the towel to turn off the faucet and open the door, before tossing it into the trash.

When your mom used to nag you to “Sit up straight” turns out it was for your own good. A recent study finds that sitting or standing straight with the shoulders pushed back lengthens the spine and actually makes you able to handle pain better. Also taking a “dominate” posture by sitting or standing up straight tells your brain that you are in control of a situation, say researchers at the University of Southern California and Canada’s University of Toronto. That means poor posture hunching over and curling up in a submissive pose not only makes you look weaker, but it makes you feel weaker, too.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

If you don’t know what to do, call the media and at least give the appearance of doing something.—David Peterson

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. –Noel Coward

Be careful about health books. You may die of a misprint. –Mark Twain

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JANUARY 06, 2017…

TEN BEST & WORST FILMS OF 2016 (Compiled by Marie Asner, celebrating 35 Years As Am Entertainment Reviewer)

BEST FILMS, LISTED IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER…

  • A Monster Calls—Child dealing with grief. (PG 13)

  • Arrival— Science fiction with a heart. (PG 13)

  • Captain America: Civil War—The cost of friendship.(PG 13)

  • Certain Women—Life in Montana (rated R)

  • Eagle Huntress (documentary)—Great camera work. (PG)

  • Fences—Life in the 1950’s. (rated  R)

  • Jackie—Where were you on that day? (rated R)

  • La La Land—Dancing feet. (Rated PG 13).

  • Lion—Finding birth mother. Bring hanky.(rated R)

  • Manchester By The Sea—Dealing with old family wounds. (rated R)

BEST FILMS, RUNNERS UP…

  • Dark Horse (documentary)—A winning horse. (Rated PG).

  • Dough—Working at a bakery with humor. (PG 13)

  • Hidden Figures—New faces in the early space program. (PG 13)

  • Midnight Special—Humanity meets the unusual. (PG 13)

  • Rogue One: A Star Wars Story—Star Wars with a heart. Rated (PG 13).

  • Star Trek Beyond—Film three and we haven‘t gotten enough of James T. Kirk, yet. (PG 13)

  • Sully—Survival is possible with the right pilot.(PG 13)

  • 20th Century Women—Three generations of women try to cope with life.(Rated R)

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WORST FILMS, LISTED IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER…

  • Basic Plot Horror Films— Lights Out: don’t turn out the lights (no kidding and all rated R.) Before I Wake: don’t fall asleep (no kidding). Blair Witch—still in the woods (no kidding). Shut In—where is the sun when you need it?

  • Bridget Jones’s Baby— What’s next for Bridget, Middle School Parenting? (Rated R)

  • Ghostbusters— A sequel that should not have been made. (Rated PG 13)

  • Gross-Out Comedy Films Including the following, and all rated R.

  • Sausage Party (animated)—Just when you thought you have seen everything.

  • Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates—no kidding? Who would have thought…..

  • Bad Moms—would you want your kids to see this one?

  • Masterminds—Mindless comedy. (Rated PG 13).

  • Mechanic Resurrection—Going in the wrong direction. Straight down. (Rated R).

  • Neon Demon (rated R)–This one was gone in a flash. (Rated R).

  • Mr. Church—Eddie Murphy in a film that moves at a snail’s pace. (Rated PG 13).

  • Swiss Army Man—let the dead R.I.P. (Rated R).

  • Through The Looking Glass—Again? Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter? (Rated PG 13).

WORST FILMS, RUNNERS UP…

  • The Handmaiden (foreign film, subtitles)—Sexual content. (Rated a strong R).

  • The Hollars—Dysfunctional family by John Krasinski. (Rated R).

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.