January 10, 2016: Sunday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160110

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to be exposed to (THE JOCK SHOW). Please be prepared to take the usual precautions.

 

I’ve forgotten – what’s the rule regarding wearing the same clothes? Is it five days in a row, or only when you know the next day you’ll see someone that saw you in the clothes the previous day?

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Blessed are they who maintain justice, who constantly do what is right.”  –Psalm 106:3

 

Prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. — 1 Peter 1:13

 

Serve the LORD with fear and rejoice with trembling. … Blessed are all who take refuge in him. — Psalm 2:11-12

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man. — Psalm 112:4

 

Thought: What a powerful promise! Just as night passes into dawn, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous, dawn comes even in the worst nights of deep spiritual darkness. The Holy Spirit is reminding us that even in those worst times of cultural decay and decadence, Satan’s darkness will not rule forever. His darkness cannot stay where Jesus’ disciples reflect the character of the Light of the world.

 

Prayer: Holy and loving God, help me to shine your light of holiness and Jesus’ light of hope to those trapped in darkness. O God, please forgive my sinful failures. Please cleanse me and create a pure heart in me. I don’t want to dim or to diminish your light as it shines through me. Help me so that I can more perfectly shine your light to those around me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Colossians 1:10 NIV = And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God.

 

 

TODAY IS SUNDAY – JANUARY 10, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 351 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is NATIONAL PECULIAR PEOPLE DAY.  *** And if you’re listening to the show – welcome!

 

Today is NATIONAL STURDY FLAT-HEELED SHOES APPRECIATION DAY.  *** I’ll never understand why ladies put themselves through such pain and torture wearing high heels – you’re just as beautiful without them, ladies… and you’re feet will be a lot happier!

 

WORLD WELCOME DAY.  On this day in 1990 the San Jose, California, library attempted to display a 30-foot banner which was supposed to say “Welcome” in 27 languages. Unfortunately, there was a mistake on the banner. In 26 languages it said “welcome,” and in native Filipino it said “circumcision.” They took down the sign.

 

Today is BITTERSWEET CHOCOLATE DAY. *** Isn’t “bittersweet” an oxymoron? I buy chocolate because I want something sweet.  If I want something bitter I’ll call my mother-in-law.

 

Today is LEAGUE OF NATIONS DAY.  *** Similar to the Justice League, but instead of superheroes, it’s populated by politicians… a.k.a. super villains.

 

Today is NATIONAL CUT YOUR ENERGY COSTS DAY.  *** They’ve demanded that we do our own energy cost cutting here at the station as well, and first to go is my micropho <click>

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

No Pants Subway Ride Day

Stephen Foster Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

MONDAY, JANUARY 11

Cigarettes Are Hazardous To Your Health Day

Learn Your Name In Morse Code Day

National Clean Off Your Desk Day

National Human Traffic Awareness Day

 

TUESDAY, JANUARY 12

Bean Day

Kiss a Ginger Day (You can begin my kissing my profile pic!)

National Poetry at Work Day

 

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 13

Make Your Dream Come True Day

National Sticker Day

Public Radio Broadcasting Day

Rubber Ducky Day

 

THURSDAY, JANUARY 14

Caesarean Section Day

International Kite Day

Dress Up Your Pet Day

Organize Your Home Day

Ratification Day

 

FRIDAY, JANUARY 15

International Fetish Day

 

SATURDAY, JANUARY 16

Appreciate a Dragon Day

Civil Service Day

Fig Newton Day

Nothing Day

Religious Freedom Day

Soup Swap Day

Without a Scalpel Day

 

SUNDAY, JANUARY 17

Cable Car Day

Hot Heads Chili Days

Judgment Day

Kid Inventors’ Day

National Bootleggers Day

Popeye Day

World Religion Day

 

MONDAY, JANUARY 18

Hot Heads Chili Days

National Crowd Feed Day

National Day of Service

Pooh (Winnie The) Day

Thesaurus Day

National Sanctity of Human Life Day (Pro-Life Day)

Martin Luther King Day

Robert E. Lee Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1838: The London Stock Market burned. ***MARLAR: Times haven’t changed much. Play the stock market today and you still get burned.

 

1858: The 21-year-old English poet Francis Ridley Havergal, while visiting in Germany, wrote her first hymn, “I Gave My Life For Thee.”

 

1917: “Buffalo Bill” Cody died in Denver at age 70. Some 25,000 viewed the body, and the Colorado National Guard marched in the funeral procession.

 

1946: The first General Assembly of the United Nations convened in London.

 

1948: 13-year-old Loretta Webb of Butcher Holler, Kentucky, married Oliver V. “Mooney” Lynn Jr. They had six children: Betty Sue, Jack Benny, Clara, Ernest Ray, Peggy, and Patsy. “Mooney” died in 1996.

 

1955: Both the star, Jane Russell, and the audience showed up for the Silver Springs, Florida, premiere of the film “Underwater” in swim suits, scuba tanks, and swim fins for the first (and probably only) movie ever to debut underwater.

 

1956: At his first recording session for RCA in Nashville, Elvis Presley recorded “I Got A Woman” and “Heartbreak Hotel.”

 

1990: The San Jose, California, library displayed a 30-foot banner which was supposed to say “Welcome” in 27 languages. It didn’t. In 26 languages it said “welcome,” and in native Filipino it said “circumcision.” They took down the sign.

 

1997: The Godfather of Soul, James Brown, got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

 

1999: Warring tribes in a remote Indonesian forest suspended hostilities to watch a road being built. The Jakarta Post said it was the first time the people had seen helicopters, motorcycles, and construction vehicles. ***MARLAR: But they never did any construction though – just orange barrels and men leaning on shovels.

 

2002: A barber in Bhopal, India, set a record by completing 108 hours of continuous hair cutting. Jaynarayan Bhati cut the hair of 899 men and 552 women to break the old record by six hours.

 

2003: Singer George Strait was inducted into the Texas Cowboy Hall of Fame in Fort Worth.

 

2003: Police in Glasgow, Scotland, reported a woman who parked illegally in the city center nearly every day had paid $19,300 in parking fines over the previous three years and was still racking up violations. The woman still owed $25,700 in parking fines, but was paying new $80 fines immediately.

 

2004: Michelle Kwan won her seventh straight title and eighth overall at the U.S. Figure Skating Championships in Atlanta; Johnny Weir skated to his first men’s title.

 

2005: CBS News announced it had fired four employees for producing a flawed report on U.S. President George Bush’s military record.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

236: Fabian is elected pope. He served until 250, when he became the first martyr under Decius, the emperor who initiated Empire wide persecution of Christians. After Fabian’s death, Decius is reported to have said, “I would far rather receive news of a rival to the throne than of another bishop of Rome.”

 

1514: The first section of the Complutensian Polyglot (the world’s first multi-language Bible) was printed at Alcala, Spain. (The complete translation was published in 6 volumes in 1517.)

 

1538: Regarding the doctrine of purgatory, German Reformer Martin Luther reported in a “Table Talk”: ‘God has placed two ways before us in His Word: salvation by faith, damnation by unbelief (Mark 16:16). He does not mention purgatory at all. Nor is purgatory to be admitted, for it obscures the benefits and grace of Christ.’

 

1645: The controversial archbishop of Canterbury and leader of the Church of England, William Laud, is beheaded. An enemy and persecutor of the Puritans and a staunch defender of the “divine right of kings”, he found himself on the wrong side of history when the Puritan revolution began in the 1640s.

 

1739: George Whitefield, the preacher who sparked America’s first Great Awakening, is ordained to the Anglican ministry. Whitefield took to open-air preaching after jealous ministers denied him the use of their pulpits, and he was perfectly suited to it—his booming voice, it was reported, could be heard a mile away.

 

1858: Francis Havergal writes the hymn “I Gave my Life for Thee.”

 

1863: Death of Lyman Beecher, famed anti-unitarian preacher and father of Harriet Beecher Stowe (who wrote Uncle Tom’s Cabin).

 

1878: The George Müllers meet President and Mrs. Hayes at the White House and are given a private tour by Mrs. Hayes. The President himself spoke with prayer-warrior and orphanage keeper Müller for half an hour.

 

1915: Missionary Mary Slessor holds her last church service. Three days later she dies in Nigeria, having done much to end age-old cruelties such as the exposure of twins in the jungle.

 

1946: Death of John R. Clements who wrote 2000 hymns, including “No Night There,” and “Lord, Send Us Forth.”

 

1947: U.S. Senate Chaplain Peter Marshall prayed: ‘May we resolve, God helping us, to be part of the answer, and not part of the problem.’

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (Ransom, The Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer, TV’s “One Life to Live”, and the TV movie “The Three Stooges” playing Curly) Evan Handler 55
  • boxing champ and grill master George Foreman 67

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1910 : Jean Martinon

1912 : Buddy Johnson

1917 : Jerry Wexler

1925 : Max Roach

1927 : Gisele MacKenzie

1927 : Johnnie Ray

1935 : Ronnie Hawkins

1939 : Scott McKenzie

1939 : Sal Mineo

1943 : James Joseph Croce (Jim Croce) in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

1944 : Frank Sinatra Jr.

1945 : Rod Stewart

1945 : Martin Turner (Wishbone Ash)

1945 : Ronny Light

1946 : Aynsley Dunbar (Journey, Whitesnake, Jefferson Airplane)

1946 : Bob Lang (Wayne Fontana and the Mindbenders)

1948 : Cyrill Neville (Neville Brothers)

1948 : Donald Fagen (Steely Dan)

1953 : Patricia Andrzejewski (Pat Benatar) in Lindenhurst, Long Island, New York.

1953 : Pat Benatar

1955 : Michael Schenker (Scorpions, UFO)

1958 : Shawn Colvin

1964 : Brad Roberts (Crash Test Dummies)

1973 : Aerle Taree (Arrested Development)

1979 : Chris Smith (Kris Kross)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why is something done at the last minute considered “done at the 11th hour?”

It can’t refer to 11 AM, which comes just before noon. Why would noon be the absolutely final time for anything? So the expression must refer to 11 PM, just before midnight, when the day ends. Right? Wrong, wrong, wrong! The reference is to the 11th hour on the original clock devised by the Babylonians for use with their sundial. The period from dawn to sundown — when a sundial was usable — was divided into 12 hours, so the 11th hour came just before sunset. In other words, if you did something at the 11th hour, it was just before you ran out of daylight. You’ll find this notion used metaphorically in Matthew 20: 1-16, in which we learn that even a sinner can find salvation at the last minute — even someone who procrastinates, who doesn’t do what he has to do until, well, the 11th hour.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

A word of warning from Jamie Grace this week: Whatever guy I marry…I need him to know that I sing ALL of the time. And I usually only sing at a normal volume and on key when I’m on stage.

 

A thought from worship leader Paul Baloche this week: Sometimes I think it’d be fun to start or play in a Zeppelin or Beatles cover band.

 

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett says things have changed over the years. She tweeted: I remember the time when I cared about how I looked when I got off the bus. Not anymore, friends. I may wear these huge sweat pants all day.

 

Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo says living with girls in the house creates some unique circumstances. He tweeted: “There’s hair in/on the sink/shower/toothbrush/mirror/TV remote/table/lint trap/my mouth/ceiling/hatchback/”

 

Casting Crowns’ Mark Hall commented on the irony of a recent purchase. He tweeted: I bought a wallet with insulated panels that keep thieves from scanning my information. And then gave it freely to the pizza guy over the phone.

 

Casting Crown’s Megan Garrett: When the female kitten you’ve had for a month turns out to be a male kitten…. I guess “Kenzie” is now “Ken Z.”

 

Switchfoot says there is a similarity between music and surfing. The members of the band pointed out: both area places of expression where you can go to lose yourself and find yourself all at once.

 

Kutless front man Jon Micah Sumrall was hanging out on the island Maui this week watching the surfers. Jon Micah says he even saw Bethany Hamilton get a couple really great rides in.

 

Citizenway’s Ben Blascoe says Germans are amazing. He said…they even engineer kissing. Ben posted a picture of some lip balm made in Germany. The directions said: apply to lips to make kisses better.

http://twitter.com/benblascoe/status/684066946208247808/photo/1

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.  Audio clips are only valid for a few days before being removed from our servers.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Australia Up-n-Over”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Joey I.L.O., “Dad Compliments”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, all of the animals were scared senseless – to the point of selling all of their possessions and wanting to move – all because of a mysterious giant-footed monster that’s been leaving footprints in the jungle!  But Sully had an idea… maybe it’s all a big joke!

 

CLOSE: If this keeps up, we’re never going to find out where those giant footprints came from!  I can’t believe all of the jungle animals are such cowards!  But then, I don’t have to deal with mysterious, giant footprints suddenly appearing in my yard!  Tune in for more of our story next time… As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JANUARY 09/10

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, Louis the lion, a very young lion, was having a hard time dealing with his new responsibilities of being king of the jungle.  In fact, he couldn’t make any decisions at all for the animals – but they were counting on him to make decisions on just about everything!

 

CLOSE: If Louis sneaks off to find someone else to be king, who will he find?  And what will the animals do in the meantime?  Tune in again to find out, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

How do you make getting a tattoo even more painful?

A new way to make getting a tattoo an even more painful experience has been discovered by Chaparral, New Mexico, 22-year-olds Robert Glasser and Joey Acosta. They thought it would be cool to get a life-sized tattoo of a gun on their persons. Apparently not trusting a tattoo artist to get it right, they tried to trace the outline of a .357-caliber Magnum on themselves to use as a guide. Yes, it was a loaded .357-caliber Magnum and it went off, striking Glasser in the hand and Acosta in the left arm. Their injuries were not life-threatening, but embarrassing.

 

 

TOP TEN

 

JOHN MADDEN’S TOP TEN PET PEEVES

 

  1. Tall skinny cross-country runners

 

  1. When the players refuse to stop the game until he is finished explaining the last play.

 

  1. Quacks calling to help cure his fear of flying.

 

  1. People yelling “Boom!” every time he sits down.

 

  1. People’s whose jowels challenge the might of his own.

 

  1. People who can’t speak concisely, that ramble on too much, those people that go into longwinded stories about things the average viewer would never care about. I remember back when I was coaching the…

 

  1. When his secretary replaces his computer pen with a permanent marker

 

  1. The players always move out of those electronic chalk circles he draws for them.

 

  1. When the field reporter steals his thunder by stating the obvious before he can

 

  1. Emeril ripping him off with his knock-off “Bam!”

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Word to the wise: If you steal a car in the snow, cover your tracks!

 

FILE #1: …A couple of suspected carjackers in Memphis, Tennessee failed to do so recently and police in had no trouble following their footprints in the snow. Officers say they spotted a stolen car over the weekend, and followed the tracks to a nearby apartment. The victim was with police and identified the 19-year-old who answered the door as one of his attackers. Another 19-year-old was found hiding under some blankets in a bedroom. According to police, the bandits called the victim a “sucker” when they took his car.

 

FILE #2: Michael Stone of Prescott, Arizona, was arrested for breaking into a closed Wal-Mart on Christmas day. He didn’t steal anything though.  He was just upset that Wal-Mart wasn’t open because he wanted to exchange some poor-fitting underwear he bought there! So he broke into the store and exchanged the underwear. He’s not being charged with theft or burglary because he made an even exchange. But he faces a criminal charge for breaking a glass door to enter the store.

 

FILE #3: Two men broke into the Irrigon, Oregon, City Hall, stealing a Polaroid camera and other items. But for these two, that just wasn’t enough. They also decided to spray-paint the walls, break desks and doors, trash filing cabinets, and soil carpets. They then took pictures of each other inside and outside the building using the stolen camera… leaving one picture behind for the police who recognized them, visited them, discovered their meth lab and other stolen items, and arrested them.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Ohio, you are required to buy a hunting license to catch mice.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Beer and boats – not a great combination.

John Hardy and Kevin Traylor tried to steal a boat. It was a nice one, too, 44 feet long and worth about $110,000. Unfortunately, it sounds like neither one of them qualified for a captain’s license. They managed to catch the engine on fire before getting the boat stuck in shallow water. Then, in their beer-induced frenzy, instead of trying to get away, they set off flares in hopes of being rescued, even though they were only 30 feet from shore. They were rescued, all right, by the cops.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Today is National Cut Your Energy Costs Day.  What do you do at your home or office to cut down energy expenses?  Any unique ideas we may not be familiar with?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What prophet’s word caused the Syrian soldiers to be struck blind?
ANSWER: Elisha’s (2Kings 6:18-23)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What was the first film to be shown to airline passengers?

ANSWER: A silent version of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s “The Lost World.” It was screened during an Imperial Airways flight from London in April 1925

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. There are no turkeys in Turkey. (True)

 

  1. Lincoln spoke for only two minutes at Gettysburg. (True – have you seen the speech?)

 

  1. Fish can get seasick. (True)

 

  1. Richard III was a hunchback. (False… Shakespeare was wrong about that)

 

  1. Baseball is three times more popular than football. (True… as boring as baseball is, that’s hard for me to believe too!)

 

  1. Humans are the only creatures that wage war. (False… ants also do so—and they even take slaves in some species.)

 

  1. Shrek was the first move to win an Oscar for Best Animated Film. (True)

 

  1. In the title of the John Ritter show, there were six simple rules for dating his daughter. (False, Eight)

 

  1. Shirley Temple said, “Sometimes I’m so sweet even I can’t stand it.” (False, Julie Andrews)

 

  1. Kane is the name of the evil spirit in “Poltergeist.” (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

COPS’ ____ MILES PER HOUR CHASE (THREE)

It’s the most famous low-speed chase since the O.J. Simpson case!  The Washington State Police switchboard lit up like a Roman candle when folks spotted a state trooper pursuing an elderly woman on a handicap scooter – at 3.5 mph!  “You can’t make this stuff up!” said Andrea Ruth, who taped the incident from her office.  The 85-year-old driver had hopped on her scooter and headed out for a cup of coffee.  But she wound up four miles out of her way on Route 246 – a heavily traveled highway near the Canadian border.  That’s when State Trooper Dave Hintz roared into action, and pulled her over.  “There’s no license plate. She’s in a little cart,” recalled the 24-year veteran, who quickly determined the driver wasn’t a “Grandma of Anarchy.”  “I just treated her the way I would’ve wanted somebody to treat my mom,” he added. After that, the pair started the long crawl home, which took more than an hour!  “When he got her to her block, she told him she could take it from there,” said Trooper Mark Francis, who said the woman didn’t want her identity released.  Dave added: “Our motto with the State Patrol is service with humility. This particular case took a little more patience and humility.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.

As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” St. Peter replied, “this is Heaven.” Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, “What are the green fees?” St. Peter replied, “This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the World laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man. “Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, “That’s the best part – you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.” With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly.

St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here years ago!”

 

JOKE #2

I overheard my optometrist telling another customer that a 90 year-old friend of his was getting married.

“Really?” said the customer. “Is his future wife pretty?”

“Not really,” said the optometrist.

“Well, can she cook?”

“Er….no.”

“What’s her personality like?”

“She’s kind of cold.”

“So why is he marrying her?”

“Because…. she can drive at night.”

 

JOKE #3

While stationed in Washington, D.C., a man used Arlington National Cemetery as a shortcut on his way to give a briefing at Fort Myer.

To his surprise, he encountered a roadblock manned by the military police. An MP approached him and asked in a stern voice, “Are you supposed to be here?”

Unsure of what to say, he replied, “Not yet.” The MP held back a smile and waved him on.

 

 

USELESS FACTS

A Chinese teenager was tackled by a railroad policeman just in the nick of time as he stood on the tracks, waiting to see if a kung-fu move he saw in the movies would stop an oncoming train.  ***MARLAR: It obviously wouldn’t.  It wouldn’t even stop a railroad cop.

 

A British university study discovered that men can suffer from post-natal depression.  ***MARLAR: It usually starts when the hospital bill arrives.

 

Theodore Geisel (Dr. Seuss) was caught drinking gin in his dorm room during prohibition, so he adopted the pen name Seuss to cover it up.  ***MARLAR: The amount of drinking he did might also explain his writing.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

THE 23RD POUND

My appetite is my shepherd; I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously,
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me all the days of my life
And I shall be “pleasingly plump” forever.

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

KIDDIE LITTER BOX

A busy mom from California is introducing a controversial new method of potty training: the kiddie litter box.

Mia Douglen’s system uses the latest technology in cat litter boxes (the three box system) and Mia says the kids just seem to love using it. Critics say the concept of children using litter boxes in inhumane, but Mia disagrees. She says it’s a big help for harried parents, and gets kids on the right track for potty training in the future.  ***MARLAR: Even if this idea worked, you could never again let your kids loose to play in the school sandbox.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

IS THERE A PLACE WITHOUT SORROW?
There is an old Chinese tale about a woman whose only son died. In her grief, she went to the holy man and said, “What prayers, what magical incantations do you have to bring my son back to life?”
Instead of sending her away or reasoning with her, he said to her, “Fetch me a mustard seed from a home that has never known sorrow. We will use it to drive the sorrow out of your life.” The woman went off at once in search of that magical mustard seed.
She came first to a splendid mansion, knocked at the door, and said, “I am looking for a home that has never known sorrow. Is this such a place? It is very important to me.”

They told her, “You’ve certainly come to the wrong place,” and began to describe all the tragic things that recently had befallen them.
The woman said to herself, “Who is better able to help these poor, unfortunate people that I, who have had misfortune of my own?” She stayed to comfort them, then went on in search of a home that had never known sorrow. But wherever she turned, in hovels and in other places, she found one tale after another of sadness and misfortune. She became so involved in ministering to other people’s grief that ultimately she forgot about her quest for the magical mustard seed, never realizing that it had, in fact, driven the sorrow out of her life.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

PANIC PRAYERS

Read: Psalm 37:1-8

Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. —Psalm 37:5

In her book Beyond Our Selves, Catherine Marshall wrote about learning to surrender her entire life to God through a “prayer of relinquishment.” When she encountered situations she feared, she often panicked and exhibited a demanding spirit in prayer: “God, I must have thus and so.” God seemed remote. But when she surrendered the dreaded situation to Him to do with it exactly as He pleased, fear left and peace returned. From that moment on, God began working things out.

In Psalm 37, David talked about both commitment and surrender: “Commit your way to the Lord,” he said, “trust also in Him” (v.5). Committed believers are those who sincerely follow and serve the Lord, and it’s appropriate to urge people to have greater commitment. But committing ourselves to God and trusting Him imply surrendering every area of our lives to His wise control, especially when fear and panic overtake us.

The promised result of such wholehearted commitment and trust is that God will do what is best for us.

Instead of trying to quell your fears with panic prayers, surrender yourself to God through a prayer of relinquishment, and see what He will do. —Joanie Yoder

 

Lord, take my life and make it wholly Thine;
Fill my poor heart with Thy great love divine.
Take all my will, my passion, self, and pride;
I now surrender, Lord—in me abide. —Orr

 

Prayer is the bridge between panic and peace.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

THAT’S THE SPIRIT!

A Muslim man that came here from the Middle East to make a life for himself has an interesting way of telling people that he loves America.

An American restaurant owner from the Middle East is mixing his Muslim faith and his love for the United States at the same time. How? By wearing a red, white and blue turban sent by his mother in India. Narendra Singh Kloty, the restaurant owner, says, “the turban represents something not American, but Middle Eastern. I’m trying to tell people, ‘No, this is very American. Red, white and blue.’ That’s what I’m trying to do without saying anything.” And it seems to be working. Before he received the new turban, he was getting nasty looks from those that saw him as simply a foreigner… now he can honestly say, “This is a great nation where I’ve seen so much love. There are people on this planet who cannot love their fellow man because they’re fighting for their next meal.”

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

SNEAKY WAYS TO READ YOUR BOSS

(Men’s Health) Marc Salem is a mentalist by trade. That is, he makes a living toiling in minds. We know what you’re thinking: “Cool, I’d love to be able to read thoughts.” Who wouldn’t? Then you’d know what your boss really thinks of you. Then you’d have advance warning that your girlfriend is going to dump you — so you could beat her to the punch. Well, it can be done based on a sound principle of nature: The subconscious always rats out the conscious. By understanding how the brain and body react in certain situations, you can train yourself to decode the nonverbal messages people unwittingly transmit. As Yogi Berra once said, “You can observe a lot just by watching.” Look for…

  • Mismatched gestures — If your boss’s hand motions don’t match what he’s saying, he could be trying to cover something. For example, he says, “I think you’re doing a good job,” but he points at you after he says it.
  • Tone shifts — Most people speak steadily. Pitch changes quickly corrected signal truth-stretching. Same goes for voice cracks or changes in rhythm.
  • Avoidance or overfriendliness — You know your boss… that’s the baseline. If he becomes uncharacteristically aloof or buddy-buddy. You can bet that changes are afoot.
  • False smiles — These are easy to spot: Remember, the insincere smile vanishes quickly; the legitimate one appears and fades slowly.
  • Eye darts — Separate parts of the brain control real memories and fabrications. How his eyes move will clue you in.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

FOUND WALLET

A man’s wallet is returned to him 34 years after he loses it!

A man who dropped his wallet at a fair has it back, 34 years later. Gary Schooley lost the wallet on the roller coaster at the Great Jones County Fair in Arkansas over three decades ago.  Police traced Schooley after the wallet was found in a fairground toilet which was being demolished. The $80 it contained when lost was missing. Although the cash was missing, the other contents such as photographs, a driver’s license and check stubs seem undisturbed. ***MARLAR: Which is a great relief to Gary – he can now finally retrieve the information he wrote down on where he parked his car.

 

 

FUN LIST

EXCERPTS FROM REAL LETTERS SENT TO LANDLORDS

  • The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
  • This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
  • Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
  • Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
  • Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
  • Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

NOT GOOD MOOD FOOD

If a bad day at the office has you ripping open a bag of potato chips and plopping on the couch with an ice cold soda, you may want to rethink that strategy. These foods can destroy your mood, taking you from good to bad – or even bad to worse.

  1. Potato chips-Potato chips are potatoes fried in oils rich in omega-6 fatty acids that can block mood-enhancing omega-3 fatty acids. If you really want that crunch, try substituting almonds, which have been shown to deliver a calming sensation.
  2. Soda-It’s no secret that soda is bad for you, but if you run to this beverage for comfort, you may experience a little less than happiness. The initial sugar rush will give you a quick “high,” but soon after, your mood will plummet as your blood sugar levels come crashing down. If you crave that soda sensation, try flavored carbonated water or add a squeeze of your favorite citrus fruit to a glass of club soda.
  3. Margarine-Margarines are made of inflammation-promoting, industrial fats that are harmful.  Much like fried potato chips, the high levels of omega-6 fatty acids could tamper with your mood and healthy insulin levels.
  4. Bagels-bagels gained a reputation for being a healthy food. Many people still believe this misconception and start their morning with a plump bagel smothered in cream cheese or butter. With or without the spreads, bagels are not a healthy choice and will virtually guarantee an energy crash long before lunch time.  Bagels are a stealthy source of refined carbohydrates, and even the average 4-ounce whole wheat bagel racks up nearly 400 calories without butter or cream cheese. For a powerful, mood-boosting breakfast, choose half a whole-wheat English muffin with egg, which will deliver fiber, B vitamins and zinc.
  5. Peanuts–Packaged, salted peanuts are high in sodium and contain processed food additives, including monosodium glutamate(MSG) – an artificial flavoring linked to migraines, weakness, burning sensations, wheezing and difficulty breathing in some individuals. Symptoms like these can definitely cost you a good mood. Instead of peanuts, make a mix of nuts that are rich in antioxidants, nutritious minerals and omega-3s, such as walnuts, almonds and Brazil nuts.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

A report is sharing good news about marriage by debunking some of the myths about marriage and divorce. A recent report in Christianity Today offers the opinion that divorce rates aren’t as high as previously thought. It also looks at myths about marriage in the church and second marriages.  http://ow.ly/GY7Fe

 

It turns out that providing houses for the homeless is far cheaper than simply leaving them on the street. The findings are centered on the amount that local jurisdictions spend on law enforcement and medical issues related to homelessness compared to how much it actually costs to provide them with housing. They found that in some cases, it’s more than three times cheaper to actually give them a place to live.

http://relm.ag/1CebMXw

 

Did you know that making out with your spouse is not only fun, it is also good for you?  Physicians from WebMD report that kissing gives some great medical benefits, including reduced blood pressure, a boosted immune system, and increased cardiovascular health. Kissing also has emotional benefits including lower stress and increased happiness. Thirdly, the report says kissing has relational benefits. It helps with bonding and also increases acceptance.

http://bit.ly/1AUrjAs

 

If you are thinking about popping the big question soon, you might want to read Tim Kimmels blog on public marriage proposals.  Tim suggests you might want to think twice before making your marriage proposal a public event.  Tim points out several issues that a public proposal creates. He says he’s never seen anyone else speak out about this so he thought it was important to at least give you something to consider.  Before you make your proposal complete with a flash mob or you ask the love of your life to marry you over the jumbo-tron, you might want to at least read Tim’s thoughts and see if you agree or disagree. http://goo.gl/fb/ehnd9Y

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Real friends are those who, when you feel you’ve made a fool of yourself, don’t feel you’ve done a thorough job of it.

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available.  The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

 

STAR WARS OVER LOOKS

 

My wife and I watched the Star Wars movie over the holidays. Along with a gazillion other people. Movie prices can kill you. We survived by doing the later afternoon show for roughly $6 each, getting a free popcorn (buttered, of course), and sharing a large drink. A mere $5.75 at the concession stand.

 

As shocking as some food item prices can be, we had a somewhat similar wake up call in seeing the original Star Wars heroes Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, and Carrie Fisher in the film. Imagine this…they’ve all AGED!!! How can it be?

 

The bigger surprises were Hamill and Fisher, or Luke and Leia if you prefer. That stands to reason since we’ve seen Harrison Ford in a number of films since his hang-around-with-Wookie days. Actually, Chewbacca looked pretty good after 38 years. Must be his stylist.

 

For those who weren’t around to see the original three Star Wars productions, no need to dwell on this age thing. Except to say…spoiler alert…you too will get wrinkled and gray! And probably wider.

 

Of course, I’m not the only one who noticed these physical changes. Apparently, LOTS of moviegoers have commented, and some quite rudely. You see, unlike life for most of us, Hollywood stars are not allowed to show this aging process. And if they have the audacity to show up on film in a way that makeup cannot overcome, well….OOFTA, as the Scandinavians would say.

 

Princess Leia has taken the brunt of fans’ criticism. Here’s the way it showed up in the Washington Post recently:  “…Yet some longtime fans were stuck on a detail that shouldn’t have come as a surprise to anyone: The actors have aged.  Or, to zone in on the preoccupation, Fisher has aged — and allegedly “not well.” Ouch. https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2015/12/30/carrie-fisher-strikes-back-at-haters-youthbeautyrnot-accomplishments/

 

Her original role as a princess had her on screen in a gold bikini. Producers decided not to do that outfit again. Since she is now a General, she must dress more appropriately. And she does.

 

But it’s her weight that drew criticism, even though she lost 35 pounds for her film role. Responding to some critics, Carrie tweeted, “My body is my brain bag, it hauls me around to those places and in front of faces where there’s something to say or see.” She’s made mention of weight in other tweets as well.

 

But the larger issue to Carrie Fisher (if you’ll excuse the pun) is that Hollywood isn’t made for the unattractive woman. In early December, she complained that an actress over 40 finds it difficult to get work. According to the Post, Fisher told Good Housekeeping magazine, “They don’t want to hire all of me – only about three-quarters…Nothing changes, it’s an appearance-driven thing. I’m in a business where the only thing that matters is weight and appearance. That is so messed up. They might as well say ‘get younger,’ because that’s how easy it is.”

 

Female actresses are not alone. Quite coincidentally, as I was preparing this blog, a New York Times piece appeared this week on females over 50 and jobless. As it’s stated, “… many of these older women now earn far less and use many fewer skills than they did before. Others have been left stranded without any job for months or even years. Some have given up the search altogether.”  http://www.nytimes.com/2016/01/02/business/economy/over-50-female-and-jobless-even-as-others-return-to-work.html?emc=edit_th_20160102&nl=todaysheadlines&nlid=68618012

 

If the statistics are correct, here’s how it looks. A Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis study found job prospects shifted significantly for women after the so-called Great Recession, which began in 2007. Up to that point, women over 50 comprised about one quarter of the unemployed. Just seven years later, that same category has grown to around half the unemployed.

 

If our culture has become insensitive to the experience, wisdom, and insight of women in the workplace, value is lost. My heart especially goes out to women who are compelled to work outside the home due to life’s circumstances. My own mother was in that situation. Fortunately, employers considered her valuable even into her later years.

 

The Bible speaks about the value of the hard working woman in Proverbs 31, albeit a married one. It says, “When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: ‘There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!’  Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.  Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.” (Proverbs 31:26-31, NLT)

 

That one line is worth its weight in gold: Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.

 

Yes, that woman is to be celebrated. Even to a galaxy far, far away.

 

That’s The Way WE Work. Click on the link to the right to connect via Facebook.

 

Catch “Let’s Talk with Mark Elfstrand” weekday afternoons from 4-6pm on AM 1160 Hope for Your Life. To listen to the live broadcast or a podcast of previous shows click here.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

Marie Asner’s Ten Best and Worst Films of 2015 In Alphabetical Order (Get the full list on Phantom Toolbooth here!)

 

BEST FILMS…

 

Beasts Of No Nation (rated R)

How not to start a war.

 

99 Homes (rated R)

No second mortgages

 

Sicario (rated R) and “sicario” means “hitman

Revenge takes a lifetime

 

Spotlight (rated R) 

How to write a news story

 

Suffragette (rated R)

It took this long for women to get the right to vote?

 

The Danish Girl (rated R)

A life of sadness

 

The Revenant (rated R)

Beware of your friends.

 

Trumbo (rated R)

Revisiting the Cold War

 

Truth (rated R)

Always check your facts

 

Youth (rated R)

The past is sometimes not pleasant.

 

 

Also Ran:

Black Mass (rated R)

Murders in Boston

 

Brooklyn (PG 13)

Romance

 

Concussion (rated R)

The hard facts of sports

 

Jurassic World (PG 13)

What if?

 

Star Wars: The Force Awakens (PG-13)

At last!

 

Sunshine Superman (no rating)

Don’t try this at home

 

Legend (rated R)

Crime in London

 

****************************************

 

WORST FILMS…

 

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (rated PG)

Yawn

 

Horns (rated R)

Don’t look in your mirror

 

Horror Films

Whatever is a horror sequel

 

Pan (PG 13)

Read the book

 

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (rated PG 13)

Ideas needed in a hurry

 

Rock The Kasbah (rated R)

Film in need of a story

 

San Andreas (rated PG-13)

Too many endings

 

The Big Short (rated R)

How not to invest

 

Vacation (rated PG 13)

How not to travel

 

Victor Frankenstein (rated R)

Not again? again? again?

 

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WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.