January 10, 2017: Tuesday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170110

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to be exposed to (THE JOCK SHOW). Please be prepared to take the usual precautions.

I’ve forgotten – what’s the rule regarding wearing the same clothes? Is it five days in a row, or only when you know the next day you’ll see someone that saw you in the clothes the previous day?

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Blessed are they who maintain justice, who constantly do what is right.” –Psalm 106:3

Prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. — 1 Peter 1:13

Serve the LORD with fear and rejoice with trembling. … Blessed are all who take refuge in him. — Psalm 2:11-12

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

Stop trusting in man, who has but a breath in his nostrils. Of what account is he? — Isaiah 2:22

Thought: “If only I had a friend.” “If only my father hadn’t left.” “If only she was more supportive.” “If only…” People can fail us, but we still pin so many of our hopes on them. They are fallible and mortal just like we are. So while we are involved in the lives of other people, let’s also remember to keep our hopes connected to the Son of God, who “defeated death and brought immortality and life to light” and who will “never leave or forsake” us.

Prayer: Forgive, dear Father, when I have pinned my well-being and happiness on being accepted by a certain group or loved by a certain person. I know my only lasting hope is found in Jesus, in whose name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the mo

Colossians 1:10 NIV = And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – JANUARY 10, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
349 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL PECULIAR PEOPLE DAY.  ***And if you’re listening to the show – welcome!

Today is NATIONAL STURDY FLAT-HEELED SHOES APPRECIATION DAY.  ***I’ll never understand why ladies put themselves through such pain and torture wearing high heels – you’re just as beautiful without them, ladies… and you’re feet will be a lot happier!

WORLD WELCOME DAY. On this day in 1990 the San Jose, California, library attempted to display a 30-foot banner which was supposed to say “Welcome” in 27 languages. Unfortunately, there was a mistake on the banner. In 26 languages it said “welcome,” and in native Filipino it said “circumcision.” They took down the sign.

Today is BITTERSWEET CHOCOLATE DAY. ***Isn’t “bittersweet” an oxymoron? I buy chocolate because I want something sweet. If I want something bitter I’ll call my mother-in-law.

Today is LEAGUE OF NATIONS DAY. ***Similar to the Justice League, but instead of superheroes, it’s populated by politicians… a.k.a. super villains.

Today is NATIONAL CUT YOUR ENERGY COSTS DAY.  ***They’ve demanded that we do our own energy cost cutting here at the station as well, and first to go is my micropho <click>

TODAY IS ALSO…
League of Nations Day
National Cut Your Energy Costs Day
National Poetry at Work Day (2nd Tuesday)
Stephen Foster Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 11

Cigarettes Are Hazardous To Your Health Day
Learn Your Name in Morse Code Day Link
National Human Trafficking Awareness Day Link

THURSDAY, JANUARY 12

I Am A Mentor Link
Kiss A Ginger Day Link (Red Heads)
National Hot Tea Day

FRIDAY, JANUARY 13

Friday the 13th

Blame Someone Else Day
Make Your Dream Come True Day Link
National Sticker Day Link
Public Radio Broadcasting Day

SATURDAY, JANUARY 14

Caesarean Section Day
Eagle Day
International Kite Day
Dress Up Your Pet Day Link
National Vision Board Day (2nd Saturday)
Organize Your Home Day Link
Ratification Day

SUNDAY, JANUARY 15

Alpha Kappa Alpha Day

Annoy Squidward Day (aka Your Boss) Link  (SpongeBob Squarepants)
Humanitarian Day
National Sanctity of Human Life Day (or Pro-Life Day): Link
World Religion Day Link

MONDAY, JANUARY 16

Appreciate A Dragon Day
Civil Service Day
Fig Newton Day Link  Link
Martin Luther King Day
National Crowd Feed Day
National Day of Service Link
Nothing Day
Religious Freedom Day Link
Without A Scalpel Day Link  Link

TUESDAY, JANUARY 17

Cable Car Day
Hot Heads Chili Days
International Mentoring Day  Link
Judgment Day
Kid Inventors’ Day
National Bootleggers Day Link
Popeye Day
Rid The World of Fad Diets and Gimmicks Day

ON THIS DAY

1838: The London Stock Market burned. ***Times haven’t changed much. Play the stock market today and you still get burned.

1858: The 21-year-old English poet Francis Ridley Havergal, while visiting in Germany, wrote her first hymn, “I Gave My Life For Thee.”

1917: “Buffalo Bill” Cody died in Denver at age 70. Some 25,000 viewed the body, and the Colorado National Guard marched in the funeral procession.

1946: The first General Assembly of the United Nations convened in London.

1948: 13-year-old Loretta Webb of Butcher Holler, Kentucky, married Oliver V. “Mooney” Lynn Jr. They had six children: Betty Sue, Jack Benny, Clara, Ernest Ray, Peggy, and Patsy. “Mooney” died in 1996.

1955: Both the star, Jane Russell, and the audience showed up for the Silver Springs, Florida, premiere of the film “Underwater” in swim suits, scuba tanks, and swim fins for the first (and probably only) movie ever to debut underwater.

1956: At his first recording session for RCA in Nashville, Elvis Presley recorded “I Got A Woman” and “Heartbreak Hotel.”

1990: The San Jose, California, library displayed a 30-foot banner which was supposed to say “Welcome” in 27 languages. It didn’t. In 26 languages it said “welcome,” and in native Filipino it said “circumcision.” They took down the sign.

1997: The Godfather of Soul, James Brown, got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

1999: Warring tribes in a remote Indonesian forest suspended hostilities to watch a road being built. The Jakarta Post said it was the first time the people had seen helicopters, motorcycles, and construction vehicles. ***But they never did any construction though – just orange barrels and men leaning on shovels.

2002: A barber in Bhopal, India, set a record by completing 108 hours of continuous hair cutting. Jaynarayan Bhati cut the hair of 899 men and 552 women to break the old record by six hours.

2003: Singer George Strait was inducted into the Texas Cowboy Hall of Fame in Fort Worth.

2003: Police in Glasgow, Scotland, reported a woman who parked illegally in the city center nearly every day had paid $19,300 in parking fines over the previous three years and was still racking up violations. The woman still owed $25,700 in parking fines, but was paying new $80 fines immediately.

2004: Michelle Kwan won her seventh straight title and eighth overall at the U.S. Figure Skating Championships in Atlanta; Johnny Weir skated to his first men’s title.

2005: CBS News announced it had fired four employees for producing a flawed report on U.S. President George Bush’s military record.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

236: Fabian is elected pope. He served until 250, when he became the first martyr under Decius, the emperor who initiated Empire wide persecution of Christians. After Fabian’s death, Decius is reported to have said, “I would far rather receive news of a rival to the throne than of another bishop of Rome.”

1514: The first section of the Complutensian Polyglot (the world’s first multi-language Bible) was printed at Alcala, Spain. (The complete translation was published in 6 volumes in 1517.)

1538: Regarding the doctrine of purgatory, German Reformer Martin Luther reported in a “Table Talk”: ‘God has placed two ways before us in His Word: salvation by faith, damnation by unbelief (Mark 16:16). He does not mention purgatory at all. Nor is purgatory to be admitted, for it obscures the benefits and grace of Christ.’

1645: The controversial archbishop of Canterbury and leader of the Church of England, William Laud, is beheaded. An enemy and persecutor of the Puritans and a staunch defender of the “divine right of kings”, he found himself on the wrong side of history when the Puritan revolution began in the 1640s.

1739: George Whitefield, the preacher who sparked America’s first Great Awakening, is ordained to the Anglican ministry. Whitefield took to open-air preaching after jealous ministers denied him the use of their pulpits, and he was perfectly suited to it—his booming voice, it was reported, could be heard a mile away.

1858: Francis Havergal writes the hymn “I Gave my Life for Thee.”

1863: Death of Lyman Beecher, famed anti-unitarian preacher and father of Harriet Beecher Stowe (who wrote Uncle Tom’s Cabin).

1878: The George Müllers meet President and Mrs. Hayes at the White House and are given a private tour by Mrs. Hayes. The President himself spoke with prayer-warrior and orphanage keeper Müller for half an hour.

1915: Missionary Mary Slessor holds her last church service. Three days later she dies in Nigeria, having done much to end age-old cruelties such as the exposure of twins in the jungle.

1946: Death of John R. Clements who wrote 2000 hymns, including “No Night There,” and “Lord, Send Us Forth.”

1947: U.S. Senate Chaplain Peter Marshall prayed: ‘May we resolve, God helping us, to be part of the answer, and not part of the problem.’

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (Ransom, The Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer, TV’s “One Life to Live”, and the TV movie “The Three Stooges” playing Curly) Evan Handler 56

  • boxing champ and grill master George Foreman 68

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1910 : Jean Martinon

1912 : Buddy Johnson

1917 : Jerry Wexler

1925 : Max Roach

1927 : Gisele MacKenzie

1927 : Johnnie Ray

1935 : Ronnie Hawkins

1939 : Scott McKenzie

1939 : Sal Mineo

1943 : James Joseph Croce (Jim Croce) in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

1944 : Frank Sinatra Jr.

1945 : Rod Stewart

1945 : Martin Turner (Wishbone Ash)

1945 : Ronny Light

1946 : Aynsley Dunbar (Journey, Whitesnake, Jefferson Airplane)

1946 : Bob Lang (Wayne Fontana and the Mindbenders)

1948 : Cyrill Neville (Neville Brothers)

1948 : Donald Fagen (Steely Dan)

1953 : Patricia Andrzejewski (Pat Benatar) in Lindenhurst, Long Island, New York.

1953 : Pat Benatar

1955 : Michael Schenker (Scorpions, UFO)

1958 : Shawn Colvin

1964 : Brad Roberts (Crash Test Dummies)

1973 : Aerle Taree (Arrested Development)

1979 : Chris Smith (Kris Kross)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why is something done at the last minute considered “done at the 11th hour?”

It can’t refer to 11 AM, which comes just before noon. Why would noon be the absolutely final time for anything? So the expression must refer to 11 PM, just before midnight, when the day ends. Right? Wrong, wrong, wrong! The reference is to the 11th hour on the original clock devised by the Babylonians for use with their sundial. The period from dawn to sundown — when a sundial was usable — was divided into 12 hours, so the 11th hour came just before sunset. In other words, if you did something at the 11th hour, it was just before you ran out of daylight. You’ll find this notion used metaphorically in Matthew 20: 1-16, in which we learn that even a sinner can find salvation at the last minute — even someone who procrastinates, who doesn’t do what he has to do until, well, the 11th hour.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

The Sidewalk Prophets have reached a new pinnacle of success. They posted this week: After all these years Jeremy Camp is officially following us. It’s an honor and a privilege kind sir.

Unspoken guitarist Mike Gomez has a side job when he’s not on stage with the band. Band members shared this week: when not on the road, Mike is a successful realtor.

Mercyme front man Bart Millard is the feature of a movie in the works. He posted over the weekend: years ago I was approached about making a movie about my childhood and how it inspired the song “I Can Only Imagine”. He says filming is now underway. Dennis Quaid is playing his dad and Madeline Carroll plays his wife.

This is Dennis Quaid, who plays my dad. CRAZY!!!!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BO6BVG9jY_f/

Plumb was dealing with colon issues this week. She posted a picture of the Waffle house is week and said: It may be from an unusual number of visits to this yummy place the past month but if you’re awake… so am I… but with my old faithful colon issues. I’m in more discomfort than usual… I welcome anyone’s prayers that have a second.

Hawk Nelson frontman Jon Steingard started 2017 out on a pretty nerdy note. He posted: Been learning about RAID hard drives, CFAST cards, and data transfer rates.

It looks like Brandon Heath New Year’s resolution may be in trouble. He posted a picture of a great-looking desert over the weekend and added: How’s my New Year’s diet going you ask?  https://www.instagram.com/p/BO58YuNBxt-/

Mona Harper, mom to Jamie Grace and Morgan Harper Nichols, on leaving a legacy: What will my children remember the most about my life: the valleys the victories or that I lived thru them both?

Something new from Tenth Avenue North. They posted over the weekend: excited to announce the OFFICIAL Tenth Avenue North Coloring Book! It’s available on the band’s web site.  https://www.instagram.com/p/BO-3jOMlePC/

Casting Crowns Mark Hall was prepared for snow but the resident of Atlanta says it was all a false alarm. He posted: Well here I am in Atlanta with three extra gallons of milk and not a lick of snow on the ground. Snowmageddon? NOMAGGEDON!

The airport shooting in Fort Lauderdale hit especially close to home for Christian artist Kerrie Roberts: I’ve flown in and out of this airport hundreds of times. I’m praying for the victims’ families. My heart is broken.  http://fb.me/1P3epWYZs

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Perched just off the North Sea coast, the German island of Langeoog found itself buffeted this week by an invasion of multicolored plastic eggs — much to the delight of local children, because the eggs contained toys.  Der Spiegel reports that police suspect the eggs came from a freighter that lost part of its cargo during an intense storm.  The local mayor, Uwe Garrels, soon allowed the town’s local kindergartners to go pick up the toys.  There was just one problem for the German children who received them: They were written in Russian.  ***Also, once they opened up the eggs Pinhead showed up and scolded them on opening things they didn’t understand.

Maybelline has it’s first-ever male model for its mascara, Danny Gutierrez.  ***Because… that’s the world we live in.

Among the more unique things seen at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas over the weekend: shoes with a built-in vacuum.   ***Wow… talk about an idea that sucks…

The CEO of T-Mobile says a merger with Sprint is still a possibility. ***Doesn’t that just figure.  I moved to T-Mobile because I wanted to get away from Sprint… and now T-Mobile might become Sprint?!?!  (Sigh.)  Who has the phone number for CRICKET?

A 59-year-old homeless man faces arson charges after police say he lit his underwear on fire in the bathroom of a busy Starbucks in Florida. ***Okay… how does that help?  Now you’re both homeless… and boxerless.  Or briefsless.  And what’s a homeless guy doing in Starbucks?  He can’t afford their coffee!  This story is all kinds of wrong.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

According to researchers at Rush University Medical Center, middle-aged people with high abdominal fat are 3.6 times as likely to suffer from memory loss and dementia later on in life.  ***And in a related story, researchers at Rush University Medical Center have found that middle-aged people with high abdominal fat are 3.6 times as likely to suffer from memory loss and dementia later on in life.

Ask anyone coming down from the high of one too many cups of coffee, and they’ll tell you that the headaches from caffeine withdrawal can drive you crazy. So much so, that psychiatry’s bible, DSM-5, has named caffeine withdrawal as an actual mental disorder.  So what exactly qualifies caffeine withdrawal as a mental disorder? It’s more than just the splitting headaches and irritability — caffeine withdrawal becomes a mental illness when it gets to the point that it actually interferes with your daily life.  ***Of course, the next step will be making coffee an actual medication – meaning you’ll need a prescription to get it, meaning more people can’t afford it, meaning more people will suffer from caffeine withdrawal, meaning more people will need a prescription for coffee, etc.  Be prepared soon to show your insurance card to the barista at Starbucks.

The more that parents watch violent or sexual content, the more likely they are to allow their children to watch risqué content at a younger age. Researchers were surprised at how quickly parents became desensitized to violence and sex after watching only a few scenes from PG-13 and R-rated films.  ***On the flip side, watching Sesame Street videos five hours a day makes parents want to lash out violently.

At a conference in Vienna, European scientists said reductions in air pollution are allowing more sunlight through and increasing global warming.  ***Let’s recap, shall we?  INCREASING air pollution causes global warming; yet DECREASING air pollution causes global warming.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Nozzles the Elephant, Sully the Aardvark, and some of the other jungle animals decided to all get together and take advantage of a rare occurrence in the jungle… a heavy wind. Nozzles suggested getting together at the beach to go sailing, but he had to stop by the bookstore first…

CLOSE: That is a letdown… kinda hard to go sailing with your friends if you don’t have any wind for the sails! But everyone is on their way to Nozzles sailboat! So far our story is kinda boring… maybe the wind will pick up some next time, As the Jungle Turns.

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

How do you make getting a tattoo even more painful?

A new way to make getting a tattoo an even more painful experience has been discovered by Chaparral, New Mexico, 22-year-olds Robert Glasser and Joey Acosta. They thought it would be cool to get a life-sized tattoo of a gun on their persons. Apparently not trusting a tattoo artist to get it right, they tried to trace the outline of a .357-caliber Magnum on themselves to use as a guide. Yes, it was a loaded .357-caliber Magnum and it went off, striking Glasser in the hand and Acosta in the left arm. Their injuries were not life-threatening, but embarrassing.

TOP TEN

JOHN MADDEN’S TOP TEN PET PEEVES

10. Tall skinny cross-country runners

9. When the players refuse to stop the game until he is finished explaining the last play.

8. Quacks calling to help cure his fear of flying.

7. People yelling “Boom!” every time he sits down.

6. People’s whose jowels challenge the might of his own.

5. People who can’t speak concisely, that ramble on too much, those people that go into longwinded stories about things the average viewer would never care about. I remember back when I was coaching the…

4. When his secretary replaces his computer pen with a permanent marker

3. The players always move out of those electronic chalk circles he draws for them.

2. When the field reporter steals his thunder by stating the obvious before he can

1. Emeril ripping him off with his knock-off “Bam!”

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Word to the wise: If you steal a car in the snow, cover your tracks!

FILE #1: …A couple of suspected carjackers in Memphis, Tennessee failed to do so recently and police in had no trouble following their footprints in the snow. Officers say they spotted a stolen car over the weekend, and followed the tracks to a nearby apartment. The victim was with police and identified the 19-year-old who answered the door as one of his attackers. Another 19-year-old was found hiding under some blankets in a bedroom. According to police, the bandits called the victim a “sucker” when they took his car.

FILE #2: Michael Stone of Prescott, Arizona, was arrested for breaking into a closed Wal-Mart on Christmas day. He didn’t steal anything though. He was just upset that Wal-Mart wasn’t open because he wanted to exchange some poor-fitting underwear he bought there! So he broke into the store and exchanged the underwear. He’s not being charged with theft or burglary because he made an even exchange. But he faces a criminal charge for breaking a glass door to enter the store.

FILE #3: Two men broke into the Irrigon, Oregon, City Hall, stealing a Polaroid camera and other items. But for these two, that just wasn’t enough. They also decided to spray-paint the walls, break desks and doors, trash filing cabinets, and soil carpets. They then took pictures of each other inside and outside the building using the stolen camera… leaving one picture behind for the police who recognized them, visited them, discovered their meth lab and other stolen items, and arrested them.

STRANGE LAW: In Ohio, you are required to buy a hunting license to catch mice.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Beer and boats – not a great combination.

John Hardy and Kevin Traylor tried to steal a boat. It was a nice one, too, 44 feet long and worth about $110,000. Unfortunately, it sounds like neither one of them qualified for a captain’s license. They managed to catch the engine on fire before getting the boat stuck in shallow water. Then, in their beer-induced frenzy, instead of trying to get away, they set off flares in hopes of being rescued, even though they were only 30 feet from shore. They were rescued, all right, by the cops.

PHONER PHUN

Today is National Cut Your Energy Costs Day. What do you do at your home or office to cut down energy expenses? Any unique ideas we may not be familiar with?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What prophet’s word caused the Syrian soldiers to be struck blind?
ANSWER: Elisha’s (2Kings 6:18-23)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What was the first film to be shown to airline passengers?

ANSWER: A silent version of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s “The Lost World.” It was screened during an Imperial Airways flight from London in April 1925

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. There are no turkeys in Turkey. (True)

2. Lincoln spoke for only two minutes at Gettysburg. (True – have you seen the speech?)

3. Fish can get seasick. (True)

4. Richard III was a hunchback. (False… Shakespeare was wrong about that)

5. Baseball is three times more popular than football. (True… as boring as baseball is, that’s hard for me to believe too!)

6. Humans are the only creatures that wage war. (False… ants also do so—and they even take slaves in some species.)

7. Shrek was the first move to win an Oscar for Best Animated Film. (True)

8. In the title of the John Ritter show, there were six simple rules for dating his daughter. (False, Eight)

9. Shirley Temple said, “Sometimes I’m so sweet even I can’t stand it.” (False, Julie Andrews)

10. Kane is the name of the evil spirit in “Poltergeist.” (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

COPS’ ____ MILES PER HOUR CHASE (THREE)

It’s the most famous low-speed chase since the O.J. Simpson case!  The Washington State Police switchboard lit up like a Roman candle when folks spotted a state trooper pursuing an elderly woman on a handicap scooter – at 3.5 mph!  “You can’t make this stuff up!” said Andrea Ruth, who taped the incident from her office.  The 85-year-old driver had hopped on her scooter and headed out for a cup of coffee.  But she wound up four miles out of her way on Route 246 – a heavily traveled highway near the Canadian border.  That’s when State Trooper Dave Hintz roared into action, and pulled her over.  “There’s no license plate. She’s in a little cart,” recalled the 24-year veteran, who quickly determined the driver wasn’t a “Grandma of Anarchy.”  “I just treated her the way I would’ve wanted somebody to treat my mom,” he added. After that, the pair started the long crawl home, which took more than an hour!  “When he got her to her block, she told him she could take it from there,” said Trooper Mark Francis, who said the woman didn’t want her identity released.  Dave added: “Our motto with the State Patrol is service with humility. This particular case took a little more patience and humility.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.

As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” St. Peter replied, “this is Heaven.” Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, “What are the green fees?” St. Peter replied, “This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the World laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man. “Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, “That’s the best part – you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.” With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly.

St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here years ago!”

JOKE #2

I overheard my optometrist telling another customer that a 90 year-old friend of his was getting married.

“Really?” said the customer. “Is his future wife pretty?”

“Not really,” said the optometrist.

“Well, can she cook?”

“Er….no.”

“What’s her personality like?”

“She’s kind of cold.”

“So why is he marrying her?”

“Because…. she can drive at night.”

JOKE #3

While stationed in Washington, D.C., a man used Arlington National Cemetery as a shortcut on his way to give a briefing at Fort Myer.

To his surprise, he encountered a roadblock manned by the military police. An MP approached him and asked in a stern voice, “Are you supposed to be here?”

Unsure of what to say, he replied, “Not yet.” The MP held back a smile and waved him on.

USELESS FACTS

A British university study discovered that men can suffer from post-natal depression.  ***It usually starts when the hospital bill arrives.

Theodore Geisel (Dr. Seuss) was caught drinking gin in his dorm room during prohibition, so he adopted the pen name Seuss to cover it up. ***Reading his books, I’m thinking he might’ve been doing a little LSD with his drinking as well.

FEATURED FUNNIES

THE 23RD POUND

My appetite is my shepherd; I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously,
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me all the days of my life
And I shall be “pleasingly plump” forever.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

KIDDIE LITTER BOX

A busy mom from California is introducing a controversial new method of potty training: the kiddie litter box.

Mia Douglen’s system uses the latest technology in cat litter boxes (the three box system) and Mia says the kids just seem to love using it. Critics say the concept of children using litter boxes in inhumane, but Mia disagrees. She says it’s a big help for harried parents, and gets kids on the right track for potty training in the future. ***MARLAR: Even if this idea worked, you could never again let your kids loose to play in the school sandbox.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

IS THERE A PLACE WITHOUT SORROW?
There is an old Chinese tale about a woman whose only son died. In her grief, she went to the holy man and said, “What prayers, what magical incantations do you have to bring my son back to life?”
Instead of sending her away or reasoning with her, he said to her, “Fetch me a mustard seed from a home that has never known sorrow. We will use it to drive the sorrow out of your life.” The woman went off at once in search of that magical mustard seed.
She came first to a splendid mansion, knocked at the door, and said, “I am looking for a home that has never known sorrow. Is this such a place? It is very important to me.”

They told her, “You’ve certainly come to the wrong place,” and began to describe all the tragic things that recently had befallen them.
The woman said to herself, “Who is better able to help these poor, unfortunate people that I, who have had misfortune of my own?” She stayed to comfort them, then went on in search of a home that had never known sorrow. But wherever she turned, in hovels and in other places, she found one tale after another of sadness and misfortune. She became so involved in ministering to other people’s grief that ultimately she forgot about her quest for the magical mustard seed, never realizing that it had, in fact, driven the sorrow out of her life.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

PANIC PRAYERS

Read: Psalm 37:1-8

Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. —Psalm 37:5

In her book Beyond Our Selves, Catherine Marshall wrote about learning to surrender her entire life to God through a “prayer of relinquishment.” When she encountered situations she feared, she often panicked and exhibited a demanding spirit in prayer: “God, I must have thus and so.” God seemed remote. But when she surrendered the dreaded situation to Him to do with it exactly as He pleased, fear left and peace returned. From that moment on, God began working things out.

In Psalm 37, David talked about both commitment and surrender: “Commit your way to the Lord,” he said, “trust also in Him” (v.5). Committed believers are those who sincerely follow and serve the Lord, and it’s appropriate to urge people to have greater commitment. But committing ourselves to God and trusting Him imply surrendering every area of our lives to His wise control, especially when fear and panic overtake us.

The promised result of such wholehearted commitment and trust is that God will do what is best for us.

Instead of trying to quell your fears with panic prayers, surrender yourself to God through a prayer of relinquishment, and see what He will do. —Joanie Yoder

Lord, take my life and make it wholly Thine;
Fill my poor heart with Thy great love divine.
Take all my will, my passion, self, and pride;
I now surrender, Lord—in me abide. —Orr

Prayer is the bridge between panic and peace.

LEFTOVERS

THAT’S THE SPIRIT!

A Muslim man that came here from the Middle East to make a life for himself has an interesting way of telling people that he loves America.

An American restaurant owner from the Middle East is mixing his Muslim faith and his love for the United States at the same time. How? By wearing a red, white and blue turban sent by his mother in India. Narendra Singh Kloty, the restaurant owner, says, “the turban represents something not American, but Middle Eastern. I’m trying to tell people, ‘No, this is very American. Red, white and blue.’ That’s what I’m trying to do without saying anything.” And it seems to be working. Before he received the new turban, he was getting nasty looks from those that saw him as simply a foreigner… now he can honestly say, “This is a great nation where I’ve seen so much love. There are people on this planet who cannot love their fellow man because they’re fighting for their next meal.”

LIFE… LIVE IT

SNEAKY WAYS TO READ YOUR BOSS

(Men’s Health) Marc Salem is a mentalist by trade. That is, he makes a living toiling in minds. We know what you’re thinking: “Cool, I’d love to be able to read thoughts.” Who wouldn’t? Then you’d know what your boss really thinks of you. Then you’d have advance warning that your girlfriend is going to dump you — so you could beat her to the punch. Well, it can be done based on a sound principle of nature: The subconscious always rats out the conscious. By understanding how the brain and body react in certain situations, you can train yourself to decode the nonverbal messages people unwittingly transmit. As Yogi Berra once said, “You can observe a lot just by watching.” Look for…

  • Mismatched gestures — If your boss’s hand motions don’t match what he’s saying, he could be trying to cover something. For example, he says, “I think you’re doing a good job,” but he points at you after he says it.

  • Tone shifts — Most people speak steadily. Pitch changes quickly corrected signal truth-stretching. Same goes for voice cracks or changes in rhythm.

  • Avoidance or overfriendliness — You know your boss… that’s the baseline. If he becomes uncharacteristically aloof or buddy-buddy. You can bet that changes are afoot.

  • False smiles — These are easy to spot: Remember, the insincere smile vanishes quickly; the legitimate one appears and fades slowly.

  • Eye darts — Separate parts of the brain control real memories and fabrications. How his eyes move will clue you in.

JUST FOR FUN

FOUND WALLET

A man’s wallet is returned to him 34 years after he loses it!

A man who dropped his wallet at a fair has it back, 34 years later. Gary Schooley lost the wallet on the roller coaster at the Great Jones County Fair in Arkansas over three decades ago.  Police traced Schooley after the wallet was found in a fairground toilet which was being demolished. The $80 it contained when lost was missing. Although the cash was missing, the other contents such as photographs, a driver’s license and check stubs seem undisturbed. ***MARLAR: Which is a great relief to Gary – he can now finally retrieve the information he wrote down on where he parked his car.

FUN LIST

EXCERPTS FROM REAL LETTERS SENT TO LANDLORDS

  • The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

  • This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

  • Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

  • Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

  • Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

  • Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

NOT GOOD MOOD FOOD

If a bad day at the office has you ripping open a bag of potato chips and plopping on the couch with an ice cold soda, you may want to rethink that strategy. These foods can destroy your mood, taking you from good to bad – or even bad to worse.

1. Potato chips-Potato chips are potatoes fried in oils rich in omega-6 fatty acids that can block mood-enhancing omega-3 fatty acids. If you really want that crunch, try substituting almonds, which have been shown to deliver a calming sensation.

2. Soda-It’s no secret that soda is bad for you, but if you run to this beverage for comfort, you may experience a little less than happiness. The initial sugar rush will give you a quick “high,” but soon after, your mood will plummet as your blood sugar levels come crashing down. If you crave that soda sensation, try flavored carbonated water or add a squeeze of your favorite citrus fruit to a glass of club soda.

3. Margarine-Margarines are made of inflammation-promoting, industrial fats that are harmful.  Much like fried potato chips, the high levels of omega-6 fatty acids could tamper with your mood and healthy insulin levels.

4. Bagels-bagels gained a reputation for being a healthy food. Many people still believe this misconception and start their morning with a plump bagel smothered in cream cheese or butter. With or without the spreads, bagels are not a healthy choice and will virtually guarantee an energy crash long before lunch time.  Bagels are a stealthy source of refined carbohydrates, and even the average 4-ounce whole wheat bagel racks up nearly 400 calories without butter or cream cheese. For a powerful, mood-boosting breakfast, choose half a whole-wheat English muffin with egg, which will deliver fiber, B vitamins and zinc.

5. Peanuts–Packaged, salted peanuts are high in sodium and contain processed food additives, including monosodium glutamate(MSG) – an artificial flavoring linked to migraines, weakness, burning sensations, wheezing and difficulty breathing in some individuals. Symptoms like these can definitely cost you a good mood. Instead of peanuts, make a mix of nuts that are rich in antioxidants, nutritious minerals and omega-3s, such as walnuts, almonds and Brazil nuts.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

The health benefits of walking are well known for the body, but what about the brain. A daily dose of 30 minutes of brisk walking is good for your heart, lungs, muscles, blood pressure, bones and now the brain. Researchers from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign have shown that walking not only builds up your muscles, but also builds up the connectivity between brain circuits. This is important because as we age, the connectivity between those circuits diminishes. But aerobic exercise, such as brisk walking, helps revive those flagging brain circuits.

Ever wondered where your lost luggage ends up? According to MSN, there is a good chance that it’s now in Alabama. Scottsboro, Alabama is home to the Unclaimed Baggage Center, a 40,000 square-foot warehouse filled with items gleaned from luggage lost all over the country. The store got its start in 1970, when an entrepreneurial-minded part-time insurance salesman had the idea of selling luggage that was left behind at a bus station in DC. The 40,000 square-foot warehouse gets stocked with 7,000 new items daily. After a 90-day search, your bag legally belongs to the airline. That’s when the UBC, which has exclusive agreements with various airlines, swoops in and buys the bags. The store has found it’s share of unique items. A camera from a space shuttle was promptly returned to NASA, while a missile guidance system for a fighter jet was quickly given back to the Air Force.

http://go.fly.com/2iddHMM

Those who carry an entire Bible around in their pocket might be interested in a new app designed to help you fast. According to Relevant Magazine, Zero was created by a man named Kevin Rose. On his blog, he wrote: “I started with a protocol of fasting for 16 hours (water only) followed by an 8-hour eating window.

http://relm.ag/0o5Nrdh

Skimping on sleep may help you to be more productive — or finish that book you just can’t put down — but the long-term effect of sleep deprivation is daunting: It could put you at a greater risk of developing Alzheimer’s disease. HealthDay News reports that the body appears to use the brain’s downtime during sleep to sweep away disease-related material. But if you’re not sleeping enough, it can derail this process. Researchers from Washington University in St. Louis note that while their finding is preliminary, it could suggest a link between sleep deprivation and the risk of developing the fatal, brain-robbing disease.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Real friends are those who, when you feel you’ve made a fool of yourself, don’t feel you’ve done a thorough job of it.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JANUARY 06, 2017…

TEN BEST & WORST FILMS OF 2016 (Compiled by Marie Asner, celebrating 35 Years As Am Entertainment Reviewer)

BEST FILMS, LISTED IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER…

  • A Monster Calls—Child dealing with grief. (PG 13)

  • Arrival— Science fiction with a heart. (PG 13)

  • Captain America: Civil War—The cost of friendship.(PG 13)

  • Certain Women—Life in Montana (rated R)

  • Eagle Huntress (documentary)—Great camera work. (PG)

  • Fences—Life in the 1950’s. (rated  R)

  • Jackie—Where were you on that day? (rated R)

  • La La Land—Dancing feet. (Rated PG 13).

  • Lion—Finding birth mother. Bring hanky.(rated R)

  • Manchester By The Sea—Dealing with old family wounds. (rated R)

BEST FILMS, RUNNERS UP…

  • Dark Horse (documentary)—A winning horse. (Rated PG).

  • Dough—Working at a bakery with humor. (PG 13)

  • Hidden Figures—New faces in the early space program. (PG 13)

  • Midnight Special—Humanity meets the unusual. (PG 13)

  • Rogue One: A Star Wars Story—Star Wars with a heart. Rated (PG 13).

  • Star Trek Beyond—Film three and we haven‘t gotten enough of James T. Kirk, yet. (PG 13)

  • Sully—Survival is possible with the right pilot.(PG 13)

  • 20th Century Women—Three generations of women try to cope with life.(Rated R)

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WORST FILMS, LISTED IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER…

  • Basic Plot Horror Films— Lights Out: don’t turn out the lights (no kidding and all rated R.) Before I Wake: don’t fall asleep (no kidding). Blair Witch—still in the woods (no kidding). Shut In—where is the sun when you need it?

  • Bridget Jones’s Baby— What’s next for Bridget, Middle School Parenting? (Rated R)

  • Ghostbusters— A sequel that should not have been made. (Rated PG 13)

  • Gross-Out Comedy Films Including the following, and all rated R.

  • Sausage Party (animated)—Just when you thought you have seen everything.

  • Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates—no kidding? Who would have thought…..

  • Bad Moms—would you want your kids to see this one?

  • Masterminds—Mindless comedy. (Rated PG 13).

  • Mechanic Resurrection—Going in the wrong direction. Straight down. (Rated R).

  • Neon Demon (rated R)–This one was gone in a flash. (Rated R).

  • Mr. Church—Eddie Murphy in a film that moves at a snail’s pace. (Rated PG 13).

  • Swiss Army Man—let the dead R.I.P. (Rated R).

  • Through The Looking Glass—Again? Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter? (Rated PG 13).

WORST FILMS, RUNNERS UP…

  • The Handmaiden (foreign film, subtitles)—Sexual content. (Rated a strong R).

  • The Hollars—Dysfunctional family by John Krasinski. (Rated R).

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.