January 12, 2017: Thursday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170112

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! It’s part of your subscription now! Email me to get FTP access and your free customized tag!)

…..

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Hi, I’m (JOCK) – voted Most Likely to Be Voted Off Several Islands!

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. — James 1:19

And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. … With many other words he warned them; and he pleaded with them, “Save yourselves from this corrupt generation.” Those who accepted his message were baptized, and about three thousand were added to their number that day. — Acts 2:21, 40-41

Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits. — Psalm 103:1-3

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. — John 12:24

Thought: Jesus announced this truth, recognizing that God was calling him to lay down his life so his followers could join him in glory. Sacrifice is never easy, but despite his disciples’ lack of courage and faithfulness during his last hours, Jesus truly believed that his sacrifice would bring the best out in them, and then also lead them to share his grace and glory with many others. (It should do the same for us!) The very fact that we are thinking of Jesus today is proof that he was correct about his powerful impact on them and others that came after them.

Prayer: Thank you, Lord Jesus, for all that you did to ransom me from sin and death. Thank you for leaving heaven and living here among us. Thank you for being a person of compassion and character. Thank you for loving your own even though they abandoned you. Thank you for enduring the cross and entering death for me. I look forward to seeing you when you return with glory in the company of the angels. To you be all honor, glory, power, love, and praise. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the mo

James 1:12 NIV = Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – JANUARY 13, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
346 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is EAT CRACKERS AND TRY TO WHISTLE DAY, just to see if it’s still as much fun as it was when you were a kid. ***That’s assuming you know how to whistle in the first placel.

Today is MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE DAY.  ***Unless you’re like me where last night I had a disturbing dream of working out with Richard Simmons.

Today is HAL’S BIRTHDAY. According to Arthur C. Clarke’s book and movie, “2001: A Space Odyssey,” the HAL 9000 computer was brought to consciousness on January 12, 1997, in Urbana, Illinois. HAL stands for a heuristically-programmed algorithmic computer.  Conspiracy theorists speculate that the name HAL was a way to slam on the computer giant IBM, as the letters H-A-L precede the letters I-B-M in the alphabet.  (audio clip)

Today is BATMAN DAY, marking Batman’s TV debut on this date in 1966. The campy series starred Adam West as Bruce Wayne and Batman and Burt Ward is Dick Grayson and Robin. Some 120 episodes are still in syndication.  The first episode was “Hi Diddle Riddle,” followed the next day by “Smack In The Middle” and starred Frank Gorshin as The Riddler. The series ran from 1966-1968. (audio clip)

NATIONAL HANDWRITING DAY — a day celebrate the importance of handwriting, in conjunction with John Hancock’s birthday (1-12-1737). Hancock was the first to sign the Declaration of Independence and is famous for his large, bold signature — Here are some clues to people’s character according to their handwriting:

  • If your letters slant to the left: Indicates introspection and a lot of emotional control.

  • If letters slant to the right: Reveals a person who’s more impulsive, outgoing, friendly, and emotionally open.

  • If letters are straight up and down: The sign of someone who’s ruled by the head, not the heart.

  • Letters that slant in more than one direction: indicates versatility and adaptability.

  • An erratic slant usually means a lack of flexibility.

  • Heavy pressure writing (like you can feel the rib made on the back of the paper) means the writer is agitated.

  • Moderate pressure (the writing is dark, but you can’t feel the rib on the other side of the paper) shows ability to deal with stress.

  • Light pressure indicates someone who seems to take life in stride.

  • Tiny Letters: indicate the writer is somewhat low on self esteem but quite high on brain power.

  • Small Letters are the hallmark of quiet, introspective types. They’re generally detail-oriented and have good powers of concentration.

  • Large Letters: are usually the sign of a confident, easygoing individual.

  • Huge Letters: denote someone who’s loud, theatrical and needs to be the center of attention at all times.

  • Wide Letters (their width and height are about the same): The mark of someone who’s open and friendly.

  • Narrow Letters: Show someone who’s kind of shy and inhibited but also very self-disciplined.

  • Letters that don’t touch: are the sign on an impulsive, artistic, sometimes impractical free thinker.

  • Some letters connecting: Means the writer’s personality blends logic and intuition.

  • All letters making contact: The calling card of someone who’s highly cautious.

  • A curved first mark: Shows a person who’s traditional and plays by the rules.

  • A straight beginning stroke: Reveals someone who’s rigid and doesn’t like being told what to do.

  • A final stroke straight across: is a clue that the writer is cautious.

  • An end mark that curves up: shows generosity.

  • Perfect penmanship: is the hallmark of a communicative person.

  • An indecipherable scrawl: indicates a person who’s secretive, closed-up and likes to keep his thoughts to himself.

TODAY IS ALSO…
I Am A Mentor Link
Kiss A Ginger Day Link (Red Heads)
National Hot Tea Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

FRIDAY, JANUARY 13

Friday the 13th

Blame Someone Else Day
Make Your Dream Come True Day Link
National Sticker Day Link
Public Radio Broadcasting Day

SATURDAY, JANUARY 14

Caesarean Section Day
Eagle Day
International Kite Day
Dress Up Your Pet Day Link
National Vision Board Day (2nd Saturday)
Organize Your Home Day Link
Ratification Day

SUNDAY, JANUARY 15

Alpha Kappa Alpha Day

Annoy Squidward Day (aka Your Boss) Link  (SpongeBob Squarepants)
Humanitarian Day
National Sanctity of Human Life Day (or Pro-Life Day): Link
World Religion Day Link

MONDAY, JANUARY 16

Appreciate A Dragon Day
Civil Service Day
Fig Newton Day Link  Link
Martin Luther King Day
National Crowd Feed Day
National Day of Service Link
Nothing Day
Religious Freedom Day Link
Without A Scalpel Day Link  Link

TUESDAY, JANUARY 17

Cable Car Day
Hot Heads Chili Days
International Mentoring Day  Link
Judgment Day
Kid Inventors’ Day
National Bootleggers Day Link
Popeye Day
Rid The World of Fad Diets and Gimmicks Day

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 18

Pooh (Winnie The) Day
Thesaurus Day Link

THURSDAY, JANUARY 19

Popcorn Day Link  (Alternate date: Super Bowl Sunday)
Robert E. Lee Day   Link
Thank Your Mentor Day  Link
Tin Can Day
World Day of Migrants and Refugees Link

ON THIS DAY

1915: The U.S. House of Representatives rejected a proposal to give women the right to vote.

1932: Hattie Caraway, a Democrat from Arkansas, became the first woman elected to the U.S. Senate.

1957: Elvis Presley recorded “All Shook Up.”

1965: History’s oldest porcupine died at the National Zoo in Washington. The Sumatran crested porcupine was 27 years 3 months old.

1967: “Dragnet” returned to NBC-TV after an eight-year vacation. In the new series, Harry Morgan, as officer Bill Gannon, was Jack Webb’s sidekick. In the original “Dragnet,” from 1952-59, Ben Alexander had played officer Frank Smith. Webb was always Sgt. Joe Friday. The second “Dragnet” lasted four seasons. (audio clip)

1970: The Boeing 747 jetliner made its maiden voyage.

1971: The first episode of “All In The Family” aired on CBS-TV, featuring the first toilet flush on network television. The series starred Carroll O’Connor, Jean Stapleton, Sally Struthers, Rob Reiner, Mike Evans, Isabel Sanford, Sherman Hemsley, and Danielle Brisebois. (audio clip)

1985: After a record 24 weeks as the #1 album in the nation, Prince’s “Purple Rain” was knocked off by Bruce Springsteen’s “Born In the USA.”

1992: A third child, Georgia May Ayeesha, was born to model Jerry Hall and Rolling Stone Mick Jagger.

1994: Burglars tore through a wall at Anducci’s Pasta Bar in Vancouver and made off with 500 servings of lasagna and cannelloni. No cash was missing.

1995: The televised murder trial of football superstar O.J. Simpson began in Los Angeles. He was acquitted of murdering his ex-wife Nicol Brown and her friend Ronald Goldman.

1997: Reuters news service reported that since Siberians had no cash to spare, theaters had begun accepting empty bottles as payment for movie tickets. They had been accepting eggs as payment, but during winter months, chickens were becoming less productive.

1999: Mark McGwire’s 70th home run ball was sold at auction in New York for $3 million to an anonymous bidder.

2001: A Missouri man was arrested for dropping his pants and taking a picture of his buttocks on a photocopier — in the crowded lobby of a St. Louis courthouse. The man told police he wanted the copies of his backside as a practical joke for his girlfriend. He was still making copies when police arrived.

2005: Britain’s Prince Harry apologized after a newspaper published a photograph of him wearing a Nazi uniform to a costume party.

2006: Mehmet Ali Agca was released from an Istanbul prison after serving more than 25 years in Italy and Turkey for shooting Pope John Paul II in 1981 and killing a Turkish journalist.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1167: Aelred, the Anglo-Saxon abbot who became one of the Middle Ages’ best-known devotional writers, dies.

1588: John Winthrop, a lawyer who became the first governor of the Puritans in Massachusetts, is born in Suffolk, England.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Musician (The band Jars of Clay) Dan Haseltine, 44

  • Actor (Diggstown, Porthos in The Three Muskateers, Don’t Say a Word, Casanova) Oliver Platt 57

  • Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh, 66

  • Actress (“Cheers”, “Veronica’s Closet”, “Fat Actress”, Look Who’s Talking movies) Kirstie Alley 66

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1904 : Mississippi Fred McDowell

1905 : Tex Ritter

1926 : Ray Price

1928 : Ruth Brown

1930 : Glenn Yarbrough (The Limeliters)

1939 : William Lee Golden (The Oak Ridge Boys)

1941 : Long John Baldry

1945 : Maggie Bell (Stone the Crows)

1946 : Cynthia Robinson (Sly and the Family Stone)
1951 : Chris Bell (Big Star)

1954 : Felipe Rose (Village People)

1956 : George Duke

1957 : Tommy Ardolino (NRBQ)

1959 : Per Gessle (Roxette)

1960 : Charlie Gillingham (Counting Crows)

1966 : Rob Zombie (White Zombie)

1968 : Raekwon (Wu-Tang Clan)

1974 : Melanie Chisholm (The Spice Girls)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How do they get buildings to be perfectly vertical?

Shhh. Can you keep a secret? Tall buildings aren’t perfectly vertical! They don’t have to be. Flexibility is built into their construction — valuable in itself on a windy day or in an earthquake zone. Remember, it’s a secret… so don’t tell anyone. You got that straight?

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

A bit of trivia about Mercyme front man Bart Millard: his wife Shannon was also his first girlfriend. They started dating in the 8th grade.

 

Britt Nicole on why she sings: “My ultimate goal in making music is to see broken people’s hearts healed.”

 

Question for the day from Megan Garrett of Casting Crowns: What would YOU do if your cat jumped right into the big plate of sausage at the dinner table?

 

Comedian Bob Smiley: If I lose my ticket the cleaners should still give me my clothes! So I forgot to pick up my tux after my high school prom. Cut me some slack!

Lauren Daigle admonition for the new year: GO LOVE ON PEOPLE!!!!!!! MAKE NEW FRIENDS. HUG PEOPLE. TELL STORIES. PLAY GAMES. LAUGH TOGETHER. CRY TOGETHER. SIT TOGETHER. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BPCQ_sWjKBO/

 

Sidewalk Prophets front man Dave Frey says: Next Stop-wedding day. He posted a picture with his fiancee while enjoying their wedding shower in Indiana. 

https://www.instagram.com/p/BPB3K_4AP-c/

 

Jamie Grace has announced her goal for the new year. She posted: 2017 is the year I pursue acting. She said: I’m an agentless dreamer wondering if maybe, just maybe, acting is something I could do more often. My goals are to learn, work hard, grow from my weaknesses, become confident in my strengths but most of all – have fun. landing a role or two would simply be the icing on the cake.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BPDQ9FplZ_K/

 

Switchfoot Lead singer Jon Foreman this week released what he called: “An Open Letter to the American Church”. In the letter Jon, the son of a pastor, talks about his own struggles and encourages the church to return to their first love. He says: I confess that we have grown cold. That we have lost sight of our True Love. And together we have forgotten the cross: the self-sacrificial love of the One who calls us to go and do likewise. Read the entire letter at http://ow.ly/VTLg307TPHk

 

Question for the day from Shane and Shane: : What’s one thing you hope to have accomplished before 2017 ends?

 

Join Stars Go Dim for a Facebook live broadcast tonight (Thursday).  The band will be live online at 8:00pm CT to play some music, answer questions, and talk about their new song called Doxology.  https://www.instagram.com/p/BPEc4fqjj1W/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Tuesday’s hearing for Donald Trump’s Attorney General nominee Jeff Sessions was interrupted by protesters multiple times, including by protesters wearing KKK outfits.  ***The KKK is protesting Jeff Sessions?  Sounds like we need to confirm Jeff Sessions!

Mike Tyson is criticizing Bill Maher for making fun of Stephen Baldwin who mocked Seth Meyers who is dissing Donald Trump for talking smack about Meryl Streep for attacking Donald Trump.  ***If you made sense out of all of that, congratulations.

Piers Morgan said that George Michael was bragging at a party that he had over 500 lovers during the past 7 years.  ***Why would you brag about the fact that you can’t keep a relationship for more than 8-seconds?  Shouldn’t the goal be to have ONE lover for the rest of your life?

Remember when Yahoo! was a juggernaut?  Things change.  Following its acquisition by Verizon, Yahoo!’s name will be changed to Altaba. ***So they’re turning in a nonsensical name, for a name that is nonsensical.

Jean-Claude Van Damme has developed his own emoji app.  ***I don’t think you heard me… let me say that again.  Jean-Claude Van Damme has developed his own emoji app.

Brad and Angelina have come to an agreement on their divorce, to keep it private and work out the deals behind closed doors, versus in public.  ***And for that we thank them.

Don’t expect to play Pokémon Go in China any time in the near future. China’s official censorship body has declared that it won’t license any augmented reality games until it has had a chance to determine whether or not they’re a danger to personal safety.  ***This from the country who is so concerned with personal safety that they will execute you for having an opinion contrary to theirs.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A recent study says a simple email can significantly raise your stress levels. Researchers watched 30 government employees as they worked and measured their stress levels throughout the day. When email started coming in, 83% reported quicker pulse and higher blood pressure.  ***In other words, email spam is literally killing you.

A recent survey conducted by The Knot revealed that 65 percent of couples are failing to factor the honeymoon into their wedding budgets.  ***No problem – skip the $20,000 wedding that only lasts 45-minutes, use half that money for a great honeymoon, pay off bills with the rest of it, and send everyone a postcard with an address to where the send the gifts.  Problem solved.  Hey – it worked for us.

A recent study finds that drinking more beer could lower women’s’ risk of having a heart attack by 30%.  ***So you gotta ask – what’s more important.  Your heart… or your liver?

How much money would it take to get you to lose some serious weight? $100? $500?  Many employers are betting they can find your price. At least a third of U.S. companies offer financial incentives, or are planning to introduce them, to get their employees to lose weight or get healthier in other ways.  ***This would totally work for me – I love this idea.  Do you have any idea how many Extra Value Meals a hundred bucks could buy?!?!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Nozzles the Elephant had just purchased a new book… a book with no title, filled with nothing but blank pages. He was wondering what to write in the book, when suddenly he was talking with Gruffy and thought it’d be a good to write down the tools Gruffy had borrowed from him to keep a record…

CLOSE: Oh great… now everyone’s getting into it. It won’t be long and we’ll have an entire book filled with nothing but complaints about how people treat one another. That can’t be good for friendships! Our story continues next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Raising money to help a friend is usually a good thing – just be sure you’re not committing a Moment of Duh while doing it!

A group of teenagers in Pelham, New Hampshire, wanted to raise money to bail a friend out of jail.  They decided to raise money by throwing a party and charging admission.  Many area teenagers were willing to pay to get into the party since booze was being served.  Now it looks like they’re going to have to come up with a plan to raise more bail money.  Police stumbled onto their little fundraiser and 76 minors were taken into protective custody and six of them were arrested on a variety of charges, including unlawful possession of alcohol and resisting arrest.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN BEST TRUE-LIFE NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

10. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
8. Eye Drops Off Shelf
7. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
6. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
5. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
4. Deer Kill 17,000
3. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
2. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
1. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

What do you do to eliminate the competition for the job YOU’RE seeking?

FILE #1: 20-year-old Texan Simon Garay stabbed a man who was applying for the same job as him at Kent Moore Cabinets. Now, instead of a getting a job, he’ll probably spend the next 20 years in prison.

FILE #2: 44-year-old Ana Rivera, of Rhode Island, drove her suspended 13-year-old daughter to school so that she could fight another 13-year-old girl. Both were arrested.

FILE #3: 26-year-old Canadian Paul Edward Dach was discovered after a routine traffic stop with three bags of marijuana in his glove box, next to his registration and insurance card. When police checked the rest of his car, they found 85 pills of ecstasy. ***MARLAR: Maybe it’s time to clean out your car, Paul.

STRANGE LAW: Liquor stores may not sell milk in the state of Indiana.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A Chemistry teacher decides to supplement his income in a very unique way – by manufacturing meth.

In Bakersfield, California, it seems high school chemistry teacher Jeff Scheidemantel made chemistry class a little too fun! He was arrested and charged with turning his chemistry lab at Shafter High School into a meth lab! He came under suspicion when he went online to buy red phosphorus, an important ingredient for making the drug, from a supplier outside the U.S. After a month long investigation, police moved in and searched Jeff’s home and the school’s chemistry lab, where they confiscated several weapons and meth recipes. However, they never found any actual meth! Jeff has been put on paid administrative leave while school officials investigate.

PHONER PHUN

Today is CLEAN OFF YOUR DESK DAY. What’s the weirdest thing you ever found while going through someone’s desk?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Jesus stayed at the home of what leper in Bethany? It was at this man’s home that the woman anointed the head of Jesus with a costly perfume.

ANSWER: Simon (Matthew 26:6-13)

QUESTION: What feast was to be a reminder of the simple homes the Israelites had in Egypt?
ANSWER: The Feast of the Tabernacles (Leviticus 23:39-43)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Americans consume 42 tons of this every day, what is it?

ANSWER: Aspirin

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Key West is only ninety miles from Havana, Cuba. (True)

2. In Britain, instead of keeping your car jack in the trunk, you keep it in your boot. (True… what we call a car’s “trunk”, they call a “boot”. Same part of the car though.)

3. In the 1982 film classic “E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial,” the lovable alien got drunk on Diet Coke. (False, it was a six-pack of Coors beer)

4. The American ruby and the Cape ruby are not really rubies. (True… they’re actually red varieties of Garnet.)

5. In stamp collecting, “Cinderellas” are stamps with ridges. (False… they are stamp-like seals or stickers that have no postal validity whatsoever. They include seals issued by charities and revenue stamps issued by governments.)

6. Your body creates and kills 17 million red blood cells per minute. (False, it’s actually 17 million per second!)

7. President Abraham Lincoln’s shoe size was 14. (True)

8. Austin, Texas was originally named Waterloo. (True… the site settled in the 1830s, was picked as the capital of the Republic of Texas in 1839 and renamed in honor of Stephen Austin.)

9. As a group, spiders have seven different types of glands to produce a web-making fiber called “Cotton.” (False… it’s called “silk”)

10. The Mississippi River actually flowed backwards once. (True… on December 16, 1811. An earthquake caused it the temporary reverse-flow.)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

______ LOSING HIS HEARING (OBAMA)

WASHINGTON – There are Beltway rumors that President Obama is losing his hearing from a rare auditory disease.

Sources close to interns at the White House say that President Obama is virtually deaf but is taking action to correct his hearing loss.

The President said he noticed the hearing problem during the debt ceiling debate.  “People were talking to the President, but he couldn’t understand a word they were saying,” said a source close to the White House.

It is President Obama’s right ear that is the problem, though the higher frequencies in his left ear are not as clear either.   There are some reports that say he may go totally deaf in his right ear, and may have only partial hearing in his left ear.

While the President was in Hawaii on his vacation, a top otolaryngologist from Los Angeles flew to Oahu to examine the President.

“I can occasionally talk to people in person one on one if their voice frequency happens to fit the range that I can still hear, but I cannot hear exactly what they are saying, especially if they are Republicans, who rarely make sense anyway,” Obama reportedly told his old high school basketball coach. “I cannot hear cable television. I cannot hear protests.  I am, for all practical purposes, deaf – and it’s happened in six months.”

WWN spoke to the otolaryngologist and he feels strongly that Obama’s hearing loss can be corrected. “We see this sometimes.  People temporarily go deaf.  We think that in about nine or ten months, his hearing will fully return to normal.”

Insiders say the President will go about his normal duties.  “I bet it won’t affect his golf game at all,” said a Republican congressman.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Recently the Pope decided that he could save some expenses at the Vatican by learning how to drive himself. That way they would not need to pay for a driver everywhere he went.

The following month, there were two motorcycle police in Washington D.C. who were on traffic patrol when they saw a white limousine blasting down the expressway.

The younger wanted to catch the speeder, but the older one said, “Forget it. It’s probably some big shot politician who will just get the ticket fixed.”

Not to be discouraged, the younger gave chase. He returned a short time later, rather more quiet then when he had left.

“Well, did you write the citation?” asked the other officer.

“No.”

Was he some big shot, like I told you?”

“Yeah. I think he was.”

“I’ll bet he was some Senator or something. Right?”

“I, uh, don’t think so. I think he was bigger than that.”

“You telling me that was the Vice President?”

“No, I, uh, he was bigger than that.”

“Don’t tell me you stopped the President!”

“No. I think he was a lot bigger than that!”

“Just who do you think is bigger than the President?”

“Well,” replied the younger, “I couldn’t see who was in the back seat, but he had the Pope driving for him!”

JOKE #2

At the airport check-in counter, a woman asked for window seats for her and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together.

“Sweetie,” the woman replied, “I just spent ten days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I’m requesting.”

JOKE #3

“Dad,” said Little Johnny, “I’m late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?”

The father said irately, “Son, it just wouldn’t be right.”

“That’s okay,” replied Little Johnny, “but you could at least give it a try, couldn’t you?”

USELESS FACTS

A cockroach can change directions up to 25 times in a second.  ***Almost as fast as a woman can change topics in conversation.

Sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia is the official medical term for an ice cream headache.  ***It also gives you a headache if you try to pronounce it.

FEATURED FUNNIES

THE SECRET FOR A LONG LIFE

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.  The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.  When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium. (audio clip)

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

WHEN YOU CARE ENOUGH…

Have you ever presented your wife a bouquet of flowers and heard in return, “Honey, you shouldn’t have!” A California man heard that recently – along with a little more!

…It seems that John Yoell came home and gave his wife a nice bouquet of fresh flowers when she insisted that he shouldn’t have spent “that kind of money on flowers”. In fact, she thought they were so expensive that she flipped out and assaulted him with a knife. John drove himself to a nearby hospital where he received 4 stitches. His wife later plead “no contest” to felony battery with serious bodily injury and was sentenced to 6 months in jail. ***MARLAR: This could’ve been worse – the flowers could’ve been delivered and it’d be the FTD guy in the hospital.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE PRAYER CHAIR

A man’s daughter had asked the local minister to come and pray with her father. When the minister arrived, he found the man lying in bed with his head propped up on two pillows. An empty chair sat beside his bed. The minister assumed that the old fellow had been informed of his visit.
“I guess you were expecting me,” he said.
“No, who are you?” said the father.
“I’m the new minister at your church,” he replied. “When I saw the empty chair, I figured you knew I was going to show up.”
“Oh yeah, the chair,” said the bedridden man. “Would you mind closing the door?” Puzzled, the minister shut the door. “I have
never told anyone this, not even my daughter,” said the man. “But all of my life I have never known how to pray. At church I used to hear the pastor talk about prayer, but it went right over my head.”
“I abandoned any attempt at prayer,” the old man continued, “until one day about four years ago my best friend said to me, ‘Joe, prayer is just a simple matter of having a conversation with Jesus. Here is what I suggest. Sit down in a chair; place an empty chair in front of you, and in faith see Jesus on the chair. It’s not spooky because he promised, “I’ll be with you always.” Then just speak to him in the same way you’re doing with me right now.”

So, I tried it and I’ve liked it so much that I do it a couple of hours every day. I’m careful though. If my daughter saw me talking to an empty chair, she’d either have a nervous breakdown or send me off to the funny farm.”
The minister was deeply moved by the story and encouraged the old man to continue on the journey. Then he prayed with him, anointed him with oil, and returned to the church. Two nights later the daughter called to tell the minister that Her daddy had died that afternoon. “Did he die in peace?” he asked.
“Yes, when I left the house about two o’ clock, he called me over to his bedside, told me he loved me and kissed me on the cheek. When I got back from the store an hour later, I found him dead. But there was something strange about his death. Apparently, just before Daddy died, he leaned over and rested his head on the chair beside the bed. What do you make of that?”
The minister wiped a tear from his eye and said, “I wish we could all go like that.”
We live by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

WHO’S “ALL THAT?”

Read: Philippians 2:1-8

Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought. –Romans 12:3

Cruising through town the other day, a friend and I spotted a car owned by somebody who thought he or she was “all that.” We didn’t have to meet the owner of this particular vehicle to come to that conclusion. First, we spotted the car quite easily because it was a bright “hey-look-at-me” yellow. But the second dead giveaway that this person had a hankering for attention was the license plate. It read: “I’m Cool.”

My friend and I both came to the conclusion that if you have to tell people you’re cool, you’re not. A couple of days later, my wife and I were leafing through her high school yearbook as she showed me pictures of her friends. Occasionally, she’d point out the photo of others and say, “He’s so arrogant.” Or “She thinks she’s ‘all that.'” Then she’d reiterate how that irritates her.

I say this to point out an important Scripture verse which says, “Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought” (Romans 12:3). Or, loosely translated: “Don’t walk around like you’re ‘all that.'”

It’s okay to have confidence. It’s good to make sure we present a positive image. And it’s not any big feather in our cap to act as if we’re the lowest worm on earth. But there is only one Person who ever had it all together. That would be our role model and our Savior, Jesus Christ.

He was perfect. He was flawless. He was sinless. He was a miracle-worker. He was God in the flesh. He was definitely “all that.” Yet He was humble. And He gave up everything–including His life–to save us.

No matter what we’ve done, how good we look, how great our clothes are, or how cool our car is, we’re not “all that.” Our job is to reflect God’s glory, not shine the light on ourselves.

Pointing to Jesus is cool, and we won’t even have to let on that it is. –DB

LEFTOVERS

THE BRIGHT SIDE

So how many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

…Perhaps now we can finally answer that question! The light in a men’s rest room in a British shop has finally gone out — after several decades of use. Staff at the Martin and Newby electrical shop in the eastern English town of Ipswich were now wondering whether the unmarked 25-watt bulb has set a world record. Apparently, the shape of the bulb indicates that it was made back in the 1930’s. ***MARLAR: Which, coincidentally, is the last time they decided to clean that restroom!

LIFE… LIVE IT

HAPPY MONDAY!

If you’ve been wanting a raise, but were just waiting for the right day, wait until Monday.

…According to personnel consultant John Challenger, Mondays are typically reserved by executives to take care of negative duties, like making out pink slips. “Black Tuesday” got its name as the day for mass layoffs — after Monday’s preparations. But Challenger says Wednesdays are a thoughtful day, often used for company and departmental meetings. So, he reasons that on Mondays you would have a better chance of getting that raise because it’ll give the executive something positive to do. (audio clip)

JUST FOR FUN

HEAVY DUTY

By most doctor’s accounts, being overweight is not a good thing for your health, but for a New York trucker a big gut ended up saving his life.

Tom Murray was driving his tractor-trailer on Route 17 when it crashed along a half-mile stretch of the highway that dips below the New York line into Pennsylvania. Murray’s truck hit another truck, went off a bridge and careered down a 300-foot embankment, police said. And while it took rescue crews three hours to remove him from the cab of his truck, emergency personnel said the 31-year-old Murray’s 450-pound weight helped his body absorb the impact and possibly saved his life. ***MARLAR: Yet one more really good excuse to skip going to the gym tomorrow!

FUN LIST

WAYS TO BE ANNOYING IN THE COMPUTER LAB (audio clip)

  • Log on to your computer, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “Oh No, they’ve found me!” and run out.
  • Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn’t work.
  • When your computer is turned off, complain to the person on duty that you can’t get it to work.
  • Mentally assign a musical note to every key. Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly.
  • Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
  • Ask a supervisor who “General Failure” is and why is he causing you so many problems?
  • Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it.
  • Take the keyboard and sit under the computer.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Attention soon-to-be-mothers… stock up on the chocolate!

Eating chocolate at least three times a week could cut the risk of pregnant women developing a condition that can threaten the lives of both mothers and babies, The London Daily Telegraph reports.  Research has found that women who regularly eat chocolate are less likely to suffer from preeclampsia — one of the most common causes of complications during pregnancy. The research is due to be published in the Annals of Epidemiology.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Imagine how much you would accomplish at work if you truly focused for just one hour. Or two. Or three. No cell phone, no surfing the Internet, no quick peek at Facebook. Just work. Wait. Isn’t that what you’re being paid to do? It is a rare person who can come to work and never be distracted. And while some interruptions aren’t your fault — such as the noisy coworkers in the next row of cubicles — others you have only yourself to blame. CareerBuilder.com and Harris Poll surveyed 3,022 full-time, private sector workers nationwide across industries and company sizes to find out what causes us to waste the most time at work. One in four workers (24 percent) admitted that, during a typical workday, they will spend at least one hour a day on personal calls, emails or texts. Twenty-one percent estimate that they spend one hour or more during a typical workday searching the Internet for non-work-related information, photos and more.  ***Ironically, I found this story on the internet this morning after I got to work.

Here’s another reason to get in those fruits and veggies. Consuming a diet rich in fruits and vegetables — from apples to avocados — could be as beneficial for your mental health and well-being as it is for your physical health!  And the opposite is also true. If you don’t eat enough fruits and veggies, your mental health could decline. The study led by Dr. Saverio Stranges, analyzed data from the Health Survey for England. they found 33.5 percent of those with high mental well-being ate five or more portions of fruits and vegetables a day, compared with only 6.8 percent who ate less than one portion. So the apple a day might keep the doctor away… and maybe the psychiatrist too!

This should motivate you to clean up your house: When people live in a clean-smelling environment, they are unconsciously more fair and generous, according to researchers from Brigham Young University, the University of Toronto and Northwestern University. All it took was a few spritzes of citrus-scented Windex for the study participants to show a dramatic improvement in their ethical behavior. No one is saying this is a magic elixir, but just think of the power it could have on your spouse. Or your kids. Or your boss. It also has implications for offices and retail stores. Could this help curb shoplifting? “Companies often employ heavy-handed interventions to regulate conduct, but they can be costly or oppressive,” said study leader Katie Liljenquist of BYU, whose office smells quite average. “This is a very simple, unobtrusive way to promote ethical behavior.”

The 2017 March for Life is taking place in Washington DC later this month. On January 27 the largest pro-life rally in the country will take place in the nation’s capital but, even if you can’t travel to Washington, the Colson Center is encouraging you to pray. They have developed a prayer guide as an aid you in doing that. Right now you can download the “21 Days of Prayer for Life” at http://ow.ly/60pQ307TRmj

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

My wife just called and said my show was so good today that she’s going to try to go to the supermarket without the bag over her head.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JANUARY 06, 2017…

TEN BEST & WORST FILMS OF 2016 (Compiled by Marie Asner, celebrating 35 Years As Am Entertainment Reviewer)

BEST FILMS, LISTED IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER…

  • A Monster Calls—Child dealing with grief. (PG 13)

  • Arrival— Science fiction with a heart. (PG 13)

  • Captain America: Civil War—The cost of friendship.(PG 13)

  • Certain Women—Life in Montana (rated R)

  • Eagle Huntress (documentary)—Great camera work. (PG)

  • Fences—Life in the 1950’s. (rated  R)

  • Jackie—Where were you on that day? (rated R)

  • La La Land—Dancing feet. (Rated PG 13).

  • Lion—Finding birth mother. Bring hanky.(rated R)

  • Manchester By The Sea—Dealing with old family wounds. (rated R)

BEST FILMS, RUNNERS UP…

  • Dark Horse (documentary)—A winning horse. (Rated PG).

  • Dough—Working at a bakery with humor. (PG 13)

  • Hidden Figures—New faces in the early space program. (PG 13)

  • Midnight Special—Humanity meets the unusual. (PG 13)

  • Rogue One: A Star Wars Story—Star Wars with a heart. Rated (PG 13).

  • Star Trek Beyond—Film three and we haven‘t gotten enough of James T. Kirk, yet. (PG 13)

  • Sully—Survival is possible with the right pilot.(PG 13)

  • 20th Century Women—Three generations of women try to cope with life.(Rated R)

***************************************************

WORST FILMS, LISTED IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER…

  • Basic Plot Horror Films— Lights Out: don’t turn out the lights (no kidding and all rated R.) Before I Wake: don’t fall asleep (no kidding). Blair Witch—still in the woods (no kidding). Shut In—where is the sun when you need it?

  • Bridget Jones’s Baby— What’s next for Bridget, Middle School Parenting? (Rated R)

  • Ghostbusters— A sequel that should not have been made. (Rated PG 13)

  • Gross-Out Comedy Films Including the following, and all rated R.

  • Sausage Party (animated)—Just when you thought you have seen everything.

  • Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates—no kidding? Who would have thought…..

  • Bad Moms—would you want your kids to see this one?

  • Masterminds—Mindless comedy. (Rated PG 13).

  • Mechanic Resurrection—Going in the wrong direction. Straight down. (Rated R).

  • Neon Demon (rated R)–This one was gone in a flash. (Rated R).

  • Mr. Church—Eddie Murphy in a film that moves at a snail’s pace. (Rated PG 13).

  • Swiss Army Man—let the dead R.I.P. (Rated R).

  • Through The Looking Glass—Again? Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter? (Rated PG 13).

WORST FILMS, RUNNERS UP…

  • The Handmaiden (foreign film, subtitles)—Sexual content. (Rated a strong R).

  • The Hollars—Dysfunctional family by John Krasinski. (Rated R).

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.