January 13, 2016: Wednesday ONAIRprep

***RADIO ISN’T DEAD – From RadioIsntDead.com

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160113

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW) – the show for discriminating listeners: for people who want extra crispy when everybody else is settling for regular recipe.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Wisdom is a tree of life to those who embrace her; happy are those who hold her tightly.”  –Proverbs 3:18

 

You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. — Galatians 3:26-28

 

For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love. — Galatians 5:6

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ, who gave himself for our sins to rescue us from the present evil age… — Galatians 1:3-4

 

Thought: Jesus comes to our rescue! Why? Because he knows the times in which we live in aren’t easy. He knows that the world in which we live is caught up in wickedness. That, however, is not the only reality. He gives us great victory through his Cross. No wonder we can greet each other with grace and peace. He purchased them for us.

 

Prayer: Father, please help me distinguish between good and evil as I confront them daily in my life. Make evil repulsive to me despite the many ways that Satan tries to make it look seductive. Thank you, Jesus, for coming to my rescue when I was a sinner, unable to save myself. Thank you for sharing your grace and giving me peace. Through the blessed Holy Spirit I offer my thanks and praise in Jesus’ name. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Ephesians 1:13 NIV = And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit,

 

 

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – JANUARY 13, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 348 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is RADIO DAY, marking the first public radio broadcast on this date in 1910 when tube inventor Lee DeForest broadcast the voices of Metropolitan Opera stars to several receivers in New York City.  *** Thank you for listening to the show and celebrating the day along with us!

 

Today is NEW YEAR’S DAY… according to the old Julian Calendar, that is. It’s still observed in Belarus, Ukraine, and some communities in Russia.

 

And today is RUBBER DUCKY DAY.  Saluting the great Sesame Street song sung by Ernie, first broadcast on February 25, 1970.  Actually, today is supposedly Ernie’s rubber duck’s birthday.  The ‘famous’ rubber-duck-squeaking solo in the original version of the song (for the very first Sesame Street album) is squeaked by the song’s creator, Jeff Moss. The rubber duck is actually considered a percussion instrument by the Boston Pops.  Apparently unwilling to pay musicians to play a ‘second instrument,’ duck squeaking was limited to the percussion section when the cast played this song with the Boston Pops – with Big Bird, conducting.  There are several versions of this song, including a cover by Little Richard and a five-version cd in German, containing a “dance remix”.  “Rubber Duckie” actually became a bona-fide hit: in August of 1970 it made the Billboard Top 40 chart for pop/rock and stayed on for 7 weeks, peaking at number 16! (

)

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Make Your Dream Come True Day

National Sticker Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

THURSDAY, JANUARY 14

Caesarean Section Day

International Kite Day

Dress Up Your Pet Day

Organize Your Home Day

Ratification Day

 

FRIDAY, JANUARY 15

International Fetish Day

 

SATURDAY, JANUARY 16

Appreciate a Dragon Day

Civil Service Day

Fig Newton Day

Nothing Day

Religious Freedom Day

Soup Swap Day

Without a Scalpel Day

 

SUNDAY, JANUARY 17

Cable Car Day

Hot Heads Chili Days

Judgment Day

Kid Inventors’ Day

National Bootleggers Day

Popeye Day

World Religion Day

 

MONDAY, JANUARY 18

Hot Heads Chili Days

National Crowd Feed Day

National Day of Service

Pooh (Winnie The) Day

Thesaurus Day

National Sanctity of Human Life Day (Pro-Life Day)

Martin Luther King Day

Robert E. Lee Day

 

TUESDAY, JANUARY 19

Popcorn Day

Tin Can Day

World Day of Migrants and Refugees

 

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 20

Camcorder Day

Penguin Awareness Day

Inauguration Day

National Disc Jockey Day

Rid The World of Fad Diets and Gimmicks Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1936: The 50-year-old Baptist minister B.B. McKinney prepared for an Alabama Sunday School Convention by writing the song “Wherever He Leads, I’ll Go.”

 

1957: In Hollywood, Elvis Presley recorded “All Shook Up” and “That’s When Your Heartaches Begin.”

 

1962: Comedian Ernie Kovacs died in a Los Angeles auto accident.

 

1964: The Beatles released “I Want to Hold Your Hand” in the U.S.

 

1979: “The Bionic Woman” debuted on ABC-TV starring Lindsay Wagner as schoolteacher-turned-cyborg Jaime Sommers. (audio clip)

 

1981: 11-year-old Donna Griffiths of Pershore, England, caught a cold and started sneezing. She sneezed about every 30 seconds until Sept. 16, 1983, 978 days later. It’s the world sneezing record.

 

1987: The Supreme Court ruled that states could require employers to grant unpaid leaves of absence to pregnant women.

 

1988: Residents dropped plans to build a 12-foot statue of Madonna in a bikini in the Italian village where her grandparents lived when the mayor objected.

 

1991: An unlucky thief was captured immediately after stealing a van in Lake Worth, Florida. He hadn’t noticed police officer Ulrich Navjoks on stake-out in the back of the van.

 

1993: A Dallas recording company mistakenly mailed the Dead Kennedys’ CD Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables to 1,000 radio stations that were supposed to receive religious programs from the Southern Baptist Radio-TV Commission.

 

1998: Dozens of police were called when a chair-swinging brawl erupted at an Oakland, California, clergyman’s funeral. Police said some 40 people from two different congregations were involved, though no one was arrested.

 

1999: The Washington Post reported that the U.S. National Security Agency had banned Furbys from its Fort Meade offices. The mechanical stuffed toys, which had built-in audio recorders, were deemed to be a threat to national security since they might be used to record classified information.

 

1999: Michael Jordan, regarded by many as the greatest basketball player ever, announced his retirement. He had led the Chicago Bulls to six NBA championships.

 

2002: The off-Broadway musical “The Fantasticks” closed in New York after almost 42 years and 17,162 shows.

 

2002: President George W. Bush fainted after choking on a pretzel.

 

2005: Major League Baseball adopted a tougher steroid-testing program that suspended first-time offenders for 10 days and randomly tested players year-round.

 

2007: A 7-year-old cat named Tama was named stationmaster at a railway station in Kinokawa, Japan. Two other cats were named deputy stationmasters at the unmanned Kishi Station. The railway paid the cats in food. Tama wore a special railway cap while on duty.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

367: Hilary of Poitiers, the leading orthodox church father during Arianism’s heyday, dies. His writings about the Trinity and his organization of anti-Arian allies were influential in fighting the heresy but did not have their full effect until after his death .

 

1501: Christianity’s first vernacular hymnal is printed in Prague, containing 89 hymns in Czech.

 

1616: Flemish mystic Antoinette Bourignon is born. A mystical writer whose works were included by John Wesley in his Christian Library, she soon found herself estranged from mainstream Christianity, especially when she declared herself the “woman clothed with the sun” of Revelation 12. Still, her ideas were so influential that, for 178 years, ministers of the Church of Scotland had to make an explicit denial of Bouringnonism before they could be ordained.

 

1635: Philip Jacob Spener, founder of German pietism, is born in Rappolstein. His emphasis on new birth and holy living revitalized the German Lutheran Church and many later movements, including American evangelicalism.

 

1691: George Fox, founder of the Society of Friends (Quakers), dies. Fox left the Anglican church to rely on the “Inner Light of the Living Christ.”

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean) Orlando Bloom, 39
  • Actress (“Baywatch”, “Charles In Charge”) Nicole Eggert, 44 (audio clip)
  • Actress (“Baywatch”) Traci Bingham, 48
  • Actor (Mobsters, Outbreak) Patrick Dempsey, 50
  • Actress (Kindergarten Cop, Big Top PeeWee) Penelope Ann Miller, 52
  • Actress (“Seinfeld’s” Elaine Benes) Julia Louis-Dreyfus, 55 (audio clip)
  • Actress (aunt Vivian Banks on “Fresh Prince of Bel Air”) Janet Hubert-Whitten, 60 (
    )
  • actor (Bull on TV’s “Night Court”) Richard Moll 73 (audio clip)

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1884 : Sophie Tucker

1909 : Butter Jackson

1930 : Liz Anderson

1930 : Robert “Squirrel” Lester (The Moonglows, The Flamingos, The Chi-Lites)

1947 : John Lees (Barclay James Harvest)

1954 : Trevor Rabin (Yes)

1955 : Fred White (Earth, Wind & Fire)

1961 : Suggs aka Graham McPherson (Madness)

1970 : Zach de la Rocha (Rage Against The Machine)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, or 10, or an even dozen holes?

During a discussion among the club’s membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch.  By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Third Day and Steven Curtis Chapman were hanging out together over the weekend. Third Day front man Mac Powell posted: What could we be up to? Big news coming soon.

 

Plumb says she is a Christian music fan, but that wasn’t always the case. She talked with New Release Today about her start in music, releasing music for both Christian and Secular stations, at the hope that she received through Christian music when she needed it the most.

http://nrt.cc/PlumbChristianMusic

 

Rend Collective members Ali and Gareth recently shared their journey of loss, telling the story behind the song The Joy Of The Lord. The two open up about their recent miscarriage and continuing to tour and lead worship even through the difficult times of life. Watch the entire story behind the song…

http://youtu.be/fJLe2FXjZro

 

Jamie Grace has found a unique way to stay awake during late night recording sessions as she continues to work on her new record. She says she watches the movie Annie on mute; helps me stay awake!

 

Jason Gray was recently celebrating Take Your Son To Work Day. He was joined by his son Gus for a day that included everything from breakfast at Frothy Monkey to a stop in the studio for some background vocal recording to math and writing homework.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAS_txUk-Qq/

 

Colton Dixon is clearing up some confusion. He posted after reading a couple of articles: I’m not a country artist. Colton added: didn’t think that needed to be said.

 

Mercyme’s Mike Scheuchzer was looking for a mandolin doctor over the weekend. He posted: Hey Franklin/Nashville friends… If your toddler hulked your mandolin across the room, who would you take it to for repair?

https://www.instagram.com/p/BAVxJFblbcU/

 

Kevin Max was recently asked: was there anything you took from your time with Audio Adrenaline that has influenced your current musical/artistic endeavors? His reply: Artistically no, but it taught me patience, humility & perseverance within the industry.

 

Kutless member James Mead described his relationship with fellow band member Neal Cameron as Frenemies over the weekend. James is from Oregon and is a huge Seahawks fan. Neal grew up in Minnesota so cheers for the Vikings. The two teams played each in a Wildcard matchup over the weekend, prompting the following post on the Kutless twitter page: We love each other as band-mates, but sometimes it’s the playoffs.

 

Natalie Grant is a Seattle native and makes no secret about her love of Seahawks football so it’s understandable that she was a little distracted by Seattle’s last second victory in this weekend’s wildcard game. Following the game Natalie posted: So…while I’ve been a little busy watching football, Sadie’s been a little busy in my makeup. Attached was a pictures of Sadie complete with her own version of a beauty makeover.

http://twitter.com/NatalieGrant/status/686286829625184261/photo/1

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.  Audio clips are only valid for a few days before being removed from our servers.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

The “hacktivist” group Anonymous has published the names of alleged Ku Klux Klan members.  *** Although they were pretty obvious already as they’d leave home each night wearing white sheets.

 

A semi-truck carrying 42,000 pounds of pizza dough and flour crashed on a highway in Arizona.  *** And with the temperature of Arizona asphalt, the pizza was done in just six-and-a-half minutes.

 

Twenty-two villagers in northern Thailand have been found to be over 100 years of age. The centenarians are all residents of the same province (Uttaradit) that eats only vegetables.  *** So yes, they are all over 100 years old, but they’ve never had a cheeseburger – and that’s not a life worth living.

 

If you’re thinking of buying the Playboy Mansion – which is now on the market – be aware that a condition of the sale is that the buyer will have to let Hugh Hefner live there until he dies.  ***I might also suggest hiring a HazMat crew before moving your stuff in.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A British safari park is asking visitors to stop wearing animal prints. It confuses the animals. ***For five hours a woman was stalked by a zebra trying to get her cell phone number.

 

Have you seen the TV ads that show people talking about how they send in their old gold jeweler and receive wads of cash? Well, consumer watch-dog groups warn thatCash4Gold may promise to give you cash for your gold, but it’s a scam. We are being told that unknowing customers are getting only pennies on the dollar for their gold. You would better off going down to your local jewelry store and selling it face to face.  ***MARLAR: Or you can donate it to the radio station – come on down!

 

A guy in England (Nottingham) has the biggest collection of Smurf memorabilia in the world — some 1,200 items.  ***MARLAR: And in answer to your other question, yes – he still lives with his mother.

 

A recent poll says Congress has an 8% approval rating with 86% disapproving. Just how unpopular is that? The same poll says that Wall Street, zombies and hipsters are all more popular than Congress. They are however more popular than Vladimir Putin, the Ebola Virus and twerking. ***So they’ve got that going for them. Which is nice.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Night Falls”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Scott Gregory, “Paper Cuts”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, the jungle animals were finally tired of running away from a giant-footed creature.  Actually they weren’t running away from it, because nobody had ever really even seen it.  In fact, this could all be just a big joke!  There’s only one way to find out though… and it’s scary…

 

CLOSE: Oh no… it really IS a monster leaving those giant footprints!  It’s a giant gorilla!  What will happen to Millard?  Will he really be eaten?  And will the words salsa and Cheeze Whiz play a large part in our next episode?  Find out next time… As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JANUARY 16/17

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, little Louis the lion decided he didn’t want to be king any longer.  It was too hard.  The animals kept coming to him for not only the big decisions, but also the little ones.  So he decided not to be king any longer – and is sneaking off to find someone else to be king!

 

CLOSE: Wow, talk about making a guy feel bad!  Louis is scared on his own, but now he has to be brave for everyone else!  Tune in next time to see how brave he stays, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Modern art morphs into a Moment of Duh!

For some reason, California artist Trevor Corneliusien wanted to draw a portrait of his own legs wrapped in chains. Trevor went to his favorite sketching spot, an abandoned mine shaft about five miles north of the Mojave Desert town of Baker, California, to begin work. To ensure authenticity, Trevor chained his legs together so that he could accurately render a picture. While the picture may have been accurate, his memory was not. After completing the drawing, Trevor realized he forgot to bring the key to unlock the restraints and was forced to hop for 12 hours through the desert back to town. On the bright side, Deputy Ryan Ford, who helped cut his chains, said of the drawing: “It was a pretty good depiction of how a chain would look wrapped around your legs.”  ***MARLAR: But then, he did have a LOT of time to work on it!

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU’VE CHOSEN A “NO FRILLS” AIRLINE

 

  1. They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.

 

  1. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

 

  1. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

 

  1. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

 

  1. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

 

  1. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

 

  1. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

 

  1. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

 

  1. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, “Just once.”

 

  1. No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A well planned robbery, a getaway car, an easy victim – but still the culprits end up in the files of Law & Disorder!

 

FILE #1: Craig Glaiser approached a 24-year-old man, kicked him and grabbed his bag.  Yes, we have a crime in progress.  Glaiser apparently had spent some time planning the caper, as he had his faithful and loyal accomplice, Nicholas Saide, waiting in a vehicle.  Saide, the wheel man, took his job seriously.  Not only was he there to provide their timely means of escape, but also to use his vehicle directly in the commission of the crime, because when the victim attempted to skedaddle, Saide drove up on the pavement to block any path to escape.  With a smirk undoubtedly on his face, Glaiser picked up his booty, got in the car, and nodded for Saide burn rubber and lam it out of there.  Clean, and quick.  Except that they had failed to notice that a police helicopter had been hovering above them the entire time and had filmed the assault.  Glaiser got two years, Saide got a year.  Both end up in the files of Law & Disorder.

 

FILE #2: Police say a woman who begged from a wheelchair was caught running from a crime scene on foot in Monterrey, Mexico.  Police spokeswoman Sidlayin Robles says 30-year-old Ana Victoria Perez fled on foot after she and her husband allegedly threw a stone through the front window of a furniture store.  Perez was a regular fixture along a main Monterrey road, asking for change from motorists as she sat in a wheelchair pushed by her husband.  Robles says that the couple apparently planned to rob the furniture store but were scared off by a security guard. They have been charged with vandalism.  Police arrested the couple when they returned for the wheelchair.

 

FILE #3: In Launceston, Australia a gang of would-be burglars tried to steal a cash machine inside a shopping center. First they forced open the doors of the mall to get to the ATM inside. So far so good. But this was a big, heavy duty cash machine and it would require special tools to get inside it. The burglars thought they were well prepared for the task. Before going to the mall they had stolen a truck with some welding equipment in it. They dragged the welder inside and went to work on the ATM. And that’s when things started to go sour. Perhaps they forgot that cash is flammable. The heat from the welding torch incinerated the money.

 

STRANGE LAW: A law that still exists in Nevada makes it legal to hang someone if they shoot your dog on your property.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Ever had a splitting headache where it felt as if nails were being driven into your skull?  Next time, you might check to see if there are, perhaps, actual nails protruding from your skull. 

An Oregon man suffering from a terrible headache went to a hospital for an examination. Turns out he had something stuck in his head; actually 12 things; actually, 12 nails. And he had put them there himself. The man at first told doctors he had had a “nail gun accident.” It wasn’t until later that the patient admitted he was using drugs at the time of his nailing.  Somehow the guy was in remarkably good condition when he got to the hospital. Surgeons were able to remove the nails with needle-nosed pliers because the nail heads did not penetrate the skull.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

(Email from a listener) Our new preacher prides himself on being “hip” and “with it” and bringing young people into the church. But some of his techniques are questionable. For one thing, he throws big “communion parties” which is something I’ve never heard of. He also ends each weekly youth service by burping “The Lord’s Prayer.” What do you think of that?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Which apostle was exiled to Patmos?



ANSWER: John

(See Revelation 1:9. 
The island of Patmos, just off the coast of Asia Minor, was a place where John was confined with other political prisoners. It was here that he received the revelation of Jesus Christ in a series of visions.)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: According to the Austin Chronicle, this classic TV show airs somewhere in the world every hour of every day. What show?

ANSWER: “The Mary Tyler Moore Show!” (audio clip)

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. The movies “The Terminator,” “The Abyss” and the “Titanic” were all directed by James Cameron. (True)

 

  1. The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing. (True)

 

  1. A moment is an actual unit of time. (True – it’s defined as lasting exactly 1 1/2 minutes)

 

  1. The worst time to reach the IRS is on a Monday. (True – around 1pm on Monday is the absolute worst time to try to get hold of them)

 

  1. When a person sneezes, their heart stops for one and a half seconds. (False)

 

  1. Drinking from a water hose can eventually cause brain damage. (False)

 

  1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. (True)

 

  1. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. (True)

 

  1. There are 157 ways to make change for a dollar. (False… there are 293 ways!)

 

  1. On the cartoon show ‘The Jetsons,’ Jane the mom is 33 years old and her daughter Judy is 15. (True – that means that the mom had her first child at age 18!) (audio clip)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

______ KILL HERRING IN NORWAY (ALIENS)

OSLO, NORWAY – Ten of thousands of dead fish have washed ashore in Norway.   The reason:  aliens.

There were thousands and thousands of dead herring everywhere on the coast Norway for two days – and then they mysteriously disappeared.

The dead fish first appeared on New Year’s Eve, leading to speculation that predators might have driven a huge school ashore or the fish could have been washed onto the beach by a powerful storm that hit Norway on Christmas Day.

WWN once again turned experts at the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials.  Dr. Susan Begley spoke to WWN last night.

“This is a similar event that happened last New Year, but it seems have escalated.  Last New Year, dead blackbirds dropped from the sky in Arkansas and dead herring came ashore in Norway, the pattern was repeated this year – only the numbers are far greater.”

Dr. Begley said that the U.N. has concluded that the herring (and the blackbirds) were killed by aliens from Planet Gootan.  “There are two alien species that have been inhabiting the earth in the last fourteen months.  The Zeebans are peaceful and docile beings here to help humans, and the Gootans are here to attack us.  The dead herring appear to be the work of the Gootans – they are sending another warning to citizens of earth.”

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A boy was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is it ? I’ve told you that I’m a beautiful Princess and that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?!?”

The boy said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool.”

 

 

JOKE #2

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash.

He did it again for a third time at an even slower rate. Same result.

“Some idiot must have messed up the settings,” the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets – each for not wearing his seat belt.

 

 

JOKE #3

Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco, a passenger noticed that the “Fasten Seat Belts” sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.

Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it. 

”Well,” she explained, “up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. “In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

A father in central China has been refused permission to name his son ‘@’ (at-sign) after the keyboard character that appears in every email address. Officials refused to register the name because, under Chinese law, all names must be capable of being translated into Mandarin.  ***MARLAR: It’d be easy to type though.

 

You can lower your blood pressure with 3 to 4 ten-minute walks a day, Indiana University researchers report.  ***MARLAR: Right… like your ultra-stress boss at your ultra-stress job is going to let you have that many breaks.

 

Music has been known to improve relationships. It can strengthen a couple’s bond and relieve emotional tension.  ***MARLAR: Unless you’re bonding over the song “Highway to Hell”.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

PUNNY COW JOKE

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be “Macho,” and went out walking with one of the hired hands.  Walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation:

“Say, look at that big bunch of cows.”

The hired hand replied, “Not ‘bunch,’ but ‘herd.’ ”

“Heard what?”

“Herd of cows.”

“Sure, I’ve heard of cows.  There’s a big bunch of ’em right over there.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

In Michigan City, Indiana, 11-year-old Cameron Schuette is lucky to be alive after a pickup truck ran over his head!

…Cameron and his 13-year-old brother Tyler were helping their grandfather chop and load wood. The boys were sitting on the tailgate of their grandfather’s truck when he began backing down his gravel driveway and Cameron either fell or jumped off. Grandpa Ron Shurley said he at first thought he ran over a piece of wood until he got out of the truck and saw Cameron lying face down in the gravel. Cameron was rushed to the hospital where tests revealed he had a slight hairline skull fracture. He was released the next day and the only lingering effects seem to be nothing more than a slight headache. Grandpa Ron said, “Maybe he’s got an exceptionally hard head!”

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

GOD-CENTERED FAITH

Read: Mark 11:12-24

Have faith in God. –Mark 11:22

During difficult times we often lament, “If only I had more faith!” Yet we demonstrate in everyday life that the most important issue is not the amount of our faith but the object of our faith. For instance, whenever we sit down in a chair, we trust that it will support us. Our faith is in the chair, not in how much faith we possess. In Mark 11:12-24, Jesus taught His disciples the importance of having the right object of faith. It began when they overheard Jesus curse a fig tree (v.14). The next morning, Peter exclaimed, “Look! The fig tree which You cursed has withered away” (v.21). Jesus replied, “Have faith in God” (v.22). Having declared God as the object of faith, Jesus assured them that they too could pray for and receive amazing results through God-centered faith. And so may we.

Often, however, we praise those who have great faith in God. Ian Thomas once preached: “When we congratulate people for having faith in our Creator, we’re really saying that God is so decrepit they’re to be congratulated for believing in Him.” He continued, “To become less conscious of faith, we must become more acquainted with the object of faith.” Get to know God better. Then to trust Him will become as natural as trusting the chair you’re sitting on!

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

REAL SECURITY

It’s finally here! I can hardly believe it. I remember as a child thinking what (ancient) age I would be when the year 2000 arrived. It seemed it never would. But it has come to pass, and I have reached that ancient age. We’ve all heard the many forecasts of doom and gloom, whether it be as a result of the Y2K computer bug or as a result of God’s judgment. Many words have been spoken about the possibilities, especially economically during the next few years. In many parts of the world the very things we fear have already arrived. There is massive suffering in many nations. But we do not know what awaits us in the future, whether it will be feast or famine, good times or bad. Do we put our hopes in the economy of our country or in the stock market, or is our security in things that are unseen? If the economy should fail us, which way would we turn? Would we despair and no longer have any hope or reason for living? Are the everyday comforts that we enjoy what we are relying on? What would happen to us if we lost them?
If you have been putting all your trust in the things of this world and neglecting your spiritual security, I challenge you today to reevaluate the value of the two. In 2 Corinthians 4:18-19 we read, “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
This is a perfect time for reevaluation of your priorities. God has put before you a door that leads to a new life, one that is built upon eternal truths rather than temporal things that will fail us. Jesus said in John 10:9, “I am the Door; if anyone enters through Me, he shall be saved…” I admonish you today to walk through that Door that is before you while you have the opportunity and while it is open wide. In Christ we have this promise no matter what the future may bring: “‘For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, but My loving kindness will not be removed from you, and My covenant of peace will not be shaken,’ says the Lord who has compassion on you” Isaiah 54:10.
Contributed by Daphne Harrington

 

 

LEFTOVERS

SLOW AND STEADY

While many college kids take the “five or six year plans” to graduate, Stuart Baldwin took a little bit longer. Make that, a lot longer!

…The 70-year-old book shop owner in the UK just graduated after 28 years of college courses. Stuart Baldwin has now not only collected his BS, but has been given the dubious distinction this week of receiving a Guinness Book of Records certificate for the longest time recorded to complete a university degree. He started on a science foundation course with the Open University when it opened in 1971. He says that “studying was a hobby” and that he “didn’t want it to end.” Stuart now plans to tackle a doctorate at breakneck speed. “I think there’s an eight-year limit on PhDs” he said “so I’ll be in no danger of breaking my own record.” He potentially could’ve started college the year one of his professors was born!

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

Are you an impatient pain in the neck?

Let’s find out… Answer each question TRUE or FALSE and keep track of your points.

  1. You think everyone is entitled to make a mistake. (If you answered TRUE, give yourself a point.)
  2. You would never dream of peeking at your Christmas presents ahead of time. (If you answered TRUE, give yourself a point.)
  3. Your home is crammed with paintings, needlework or other examples of your favorite hobby. (If you answered TRUE, give yourself a point.)
  4. You prefer newspapers, magazines and watching TV to reading books. (If you answered FALSE, give yourself a point.)
  5. Your garage or basement is cluttered with unfinished projects you started than forgot about. (If you answered FALSE, give yourself a point.)
  6. You love crossword puzzles and other games that tax the mind. (If you answered TRUE, give yourself a point.)
  7. You grind your teeth in rush-hour traffic. (If you answered FALSE, give yourself a point.)
  8. You play “musical checkout counters” when waiting in line at the supermarket, constantly moving to the shortest line. (If you answered FALSE, give yourself a point.)
  9. You never exceed the speed limit when driving. (If you answered TRUE, give yourself a point.)
  10. You interrupt people during conversations. (If you answered FALSE, give yourself a point.)

 

SCORE:

  • 0-4 Points… you tend to be impatient, so ask yourself whether saving a minute or two is really worth it if it hurts the feelings of others. Start enjoying life a little more. Extreme impatience can have a basis in physical problems… anemia, vitamin deficiency, poor sleeping or eating habits.
  • 5-7 Points… You’re even tempered with good self control. You realize that many delays and inconveniences turn out to be no one else’s fault. But there is a limit to your toleration of the vices and manipulations of other people.
  • 8-10 Points… You are extremely patient and don’t demand instant gratification at the expense of others. You enjoy completing every job. You’re very tolerant… almost TOO tolerant… so guard against people who might take advantage of your good nature.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

IT’S TIME TO EAT!

Why are Americans so fat?  Well, it has something to do with eating.

Do you wonder why 50% of all Americans are considered overweight? According to a study from the University of Minnesota, it’s because of the increasing numbers of food brands available to them. There’s more food available than ever! Another reason is that Americans eat out more and are eating larger portions. As a result, for every dollar spent in households on food, 20% went to eating out in the 1970s, but that has since increased to 38%.  ***MARLAR: So basically, the university spent all of this money on a study to tell us that we’re overweight because there’s plenty of food to eat and we’re eating it.  Thanks for the info, Professor Obvious.

 

 

FUN LIST

YOU KNOW IT’S TIME TO DIET WHEN…

  • You dance and it makes the band skip.
  • You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
  • You go to the zoo and the elephants throw YOU peanuts.
  • Your driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.”
  • You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
  • Your blood type: Ragu!
  • You are diagnosed with the flesh-eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Even after kids move out, Mom’s favoritism still matters.

…When Mom repeatedly singles out one adult child more than another, whether for praise or a slap on the wrist, she’s unwittingly contributing to her offspring’s depression, according to recently released research.  “Perceived favoritism from one’s mother still matters to a child’s psychological well-being, even if they have been living for years outside the parental home and have started families of their own,” said study researcher Karl Pillemer, a Cornell University gerontologist. “It doesn’t matter whether you are the chosen child or not, the perception of unequal treatment has damaging effects for all siblings.”   Even Mom’s favorites take a hit. -“Interestingly, being the favorite child has some serious drawbacks, research has found,” Pillemer says. “The favored child can feel guilty, and he or she can experience negative relationships with the other siblings, who may be resentful. With older parents, favored children may be expected to provide more care and assistance for the parent, leading to stress.” As for which children become Mom’s favorites, “Parents tend to prefer oldest or youngest (as opposed to middle) children, and they gravitate toward those children who are more similar to them in personal characteristics and values,” Pillemer said.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Kids come home hungry after a long day of school. And the web site My Kids Adventures has suggestions for giving them the snack they want while also making it fun. Check out ideas like petrified pizza, yogurt mosaics and edible wishing wands.  http://bit.ly/1adB35p

 

What’s the most “churched” state in the U.S.?  More residents of Utah go to church every week than any other state. According to a new Gallup Poll 51 percent of Utah residents attend services. They say it is a direct result of Utah’s 59 percent Mormon population. According to the Charisma News story, the next most-frequent church attendees are in the South, with Mississippi at 47 percent, Alabama and Louisiana at 46 percent, and Arkansas at 45 percent). At the bottom of the list is Vermont where 17 percent of residents say they attend religious services every week.

http://bit.ly/1z5lolq

 

In a study among Americans in the workplace, done in partnership with Leadercast, Barna Group found that two in five people work for someone they consider a “bad” leader. When asked to attribute positive and negative characteristics to their supervisors, 40% of workers assigned at least four of the six negative attributes to their boss. Another 40% say their leader displays one to three of those negative attributes, classifying that leader as “average.” In contrast, only one in five workers assigns only positive attributes to their leaders, qualifying them as “good” bosses.

https://www.barna.org/barna-update/leadership/707-the-different-impact-of-good-and-bad-leadership#.VOTanPnF-ro

 

The latest way to wake up in the morning; caffeinated toothpaste. Power Energy Toothpaste is out with a new kind of toothpaste with the logo Get a rush while you brush. And they are even giving away free samples online.

http://powertoothpaste.com/?kid=857KC

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I’d planned to clean up the control room today, but then I got to thinking: if it was clean it might not work.

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available.  The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

 

Flexing Your Talents

 

Over the weekend I read a rather eye opening perspective on new hiring practices in today’s marketplace. It alerts us to a significant difference in what a number of employers now value in their personnel. And the advice is particularly directed at the Generation X crowd preparing to send their own kids off to college.

The article comes from Dr. Jim Thrasher, director of Grove City College’s career services office at their Center for Vision & Values. If you’re not familiar with this group, the Center is “a leading forum for the study and application of freedom to economic, political, social, religious, and scientific issues.” Good thinkers, all of them.

This piece is titled, “Calling All Generation Xers…The Job Search: It’s Not What You’ve Done, But Who You Are.” (link below) Dr. Thrasher is convinced that Gen X parents need to understand the paradigm shift in job placement. It’s different from their day when the degree earned dictated the career path.

Previously, as one corporate recruiter explained, the college educated candidate showed up with the right degree and, if the company liked the person, the job was theirs. Today, companies are looking at a candidate’s design. It’s called “behavioral interviewing.”

In this new world of evaluating talent, aptitude and transferable skills are most prized. According to Dr. Thrasher, “The behavioral approach was developed by Development Dimensions International (DDI) and is being widely used by HR departments.” I’m already a believer in what is being preached on this.

To quote how this analysis is applied, “As the aptitude of the candidate is assessed, the company must confirm that the applicant has the ability to be trained (many times in a whole new field or career) to fulfill the job requirements.” The company also searches for people with specific transferable skills needed to excel. These transferable skills include characteristics and attributes applied in daily living, including modes of operation and design. And as Dr. Thrasher claims, “Transferable skills rule the day in today’s job market.”

This behavioral approach puts high emphasis on the “uniqueness” of the individual. Applicants have to present a certain “fit” to score the job. Once a company finds the desired design in a candidate, they can train them for specific roles.

This new model brought two things to my mind. First, when my son sent his resume off to a very large high tech firm, it went to several departments for jobs in which he took interest. But when the company called to offer him employment, they explained he didn’t quite fit any of those jobs. They did, however, suggest one that would fit. And like the behavioral approach indicates, my son has changed jobs within that corporation several times in a few years—each time being trained with his adaptable personality style.

The second item I recalled was taking a personality assessment a few years ago as part of a course offered with a men’s ministry. The evaluation tool, “Your Unique Design,” costs $35 to complete. The benefit of knowing your assessment results is to help you “discover and leverage your best gifts and talents that are part of your God-given personality.”

Once you complete the questions, you receive a 10-page Personal Profile Report. It explains your core strengths, talents, and abilities in detail. Developers believe you are “wired by God” and once you understand that wiring, you’ll see why you do what you do and─what makes you come alive! (Find out more at www.youruniquedesign.com.)

All my work life I’ve tried to make work fun. Only after reading my assessment from “Your Unique Design” did I see that my personality thrives on this. If a place ceases to be fun (or a job), I’m an unhappy camper! The payoff for others I’m around is that I try to make work fun for them as well—assuming we’re on task.

This blog message today is really meant to serve as a very practical reminder that God has created us in such a way that our uniqueness has purpose—especially in our work. I found it encouraging to learn that employers are now finding value in this uniqueness. Stronger, more effective workplaces will likely result!

In the Psalms, we are reminded of this uniqueness. King David wrote in Psalm 139, “Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” (Psalm 139:13-16, NLT)

Reality in the workplace today finds that graduates may wind up in a number of different jobs. In other words, you must be flexible. Important not only for your career, but for life as well.

You don’t have to explain that to Gumby!

That’s The Way WE Work. Click on the link to the right to connect via Facebook.

Catch “Let’s Talk with Mark Elfstrand” weekday afternoons from 4-6pm on AM 1160 Hope for Your Life. To listen to the live broadcast or a podcast of previous shows click here.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

Marie Asner’s Ten Best and Worst Films of 2015 In Alphabetical Order (Get the full list on Phantom Toolbooth here!)

 

BEST FILMS…

 

Beasts Of No Nation (rated R)

How not to start a war.

 

99 Homes (rated R)

No second mortgages

 

Sicario (rated R) and “sicario” means “hitman

Revenge takes a lifetime

 

Spotlight (rated R) 

How to write a news story

 

Suffragette (rated R)

It took this long for women to get the right to vote?

 

The Danish Girl (rated R)

A life of sadness

 

The Revenant (rated R)

Beware of your friends.

 

Trumbo (rated R)

Revisiting the Cold War

 

Truth (rated R)

Always check your facts

 

Youth (rated R)

The past is sometimes not pleasant.

 

 

Also Ran:

Black Mass (rated R)

Murders in Boston

 

Brooklyn (PG 13)

Romance

 

Concussion (rated R)

The hard facts of sports

 

Jurassic World (PG 13)

What if?

 

Star Wars: The Force Awakens (PG-13)

At last!

 

Sunshine Superman (no rating)

Don’t try this at home

 

Legend (rated R)

Crime in London

 

****************************************

 

WORST FILMS…

 

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (rated PG)

Yawn

 

Horns (rated R)

Don’t look in your mirror

 

Horror Films

Whatever is a horror sequel

 

Pan (PG 13)

Read the book

 

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (rated PG 13)

Ideas needed in a hurry

 

Rock The Kasbah (rated R)

Film in need of a story

 

San Andreas (rated PG-13)

Too many endings

 

The Big Short (rated R)

How not to invest

 

Vacation (rated PG 13)

How not to travel

 

Victor Frankenstein (rated R)

Not again? again? again?

 

# # # # #

# # # # #

 

 

 

 

WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.