January 13, 2017: Friday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170113

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW) – the show for discriminating listeners: for people who want extra crispy when everybody else is settling for regular recipe.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Wisdom is a tree of life to those who embrace her; happy are those who hold her tightly.”  –Proverbs 3:18

You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. — Galatians 3:26-28

For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love. — Galatians 5:6

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. — Luke 12:23

Thought: In the rush of the holiday season and the grab at getting and giving gifts, it is very important to remember that life is much more than even the most basic things we think we need. If we lose sight of God, his work and his will in our lives, then what do we have? Not much and it won’t last long! My prayer for you, and for me, during this holiday season is that we are reminded of what is most important, most valuable, and most enduring.

Prayer: Sweet and precious God, almighty and awesome in glory, yet so near and so concerned about my heart, thank you for knowing and loving me with an everlasting love. Please give me the wisdom to see beyond the transitory things of life and find you and your sustaining presence. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the mo

Ephesians 1:13 NIV = And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit,

TODAY IS SATURDAY – JANUARY 14, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
345 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is RADIO DAY, marking the first public radio broadcast on this date in 1910 when tube inventor Lee DeForest broadcast the voices of Metropolitan Opera stars to several receivers in New York City.  ***Thank you for listening to the show and celebrating the day along with us!

Today is NEW YEAR’S DAY… according to the old Julian Calendar, that is. It’s still observed in Belarus, Ukraine, and some communities in Russia.

And today is RUBBER DUCKY DAY. Saluting the great Sesame Street song sung by Ernie, first broadcast on February 25, 1970. Actually, today is supposedly Ernie’s rubber duck’s birthday. The ‘famous’ rubber-duck-squeaking solo in the original version of the song (for the very first Sesame Street album) is squeaked by the song’s creator, Jeff Moss. The rubber duck is actually considered a percussion instrument by the Boston Pops.  Apparently unwilling to pay musicians to play a ‘second instrument,’ duck squeaking was limited to the percussion section when the cast played this song with the Boston Pops – with Big Bird, conducting. There are several versions of this song, including a cover by Little Richard and a five-version cd in German, containing a “dance remix”. “Rubber Duckie” actually became a bona-fide hit: in August of 1970 it made the Billboard Top 40 chart for pop/rock and stayed on for 7 weeks, peaking at number 16! (audio clip)

TODAY IS ALSO…

Blame Someone Else Day
Make Your Dream Come True Day Link
National Sticker Day Link
Public Radio Broadcasting Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

SATURDAY, JANUARY 14

Caesarean Section Day
Eagle Day
International Kite Day
Dress Up Your Pet Day Link
National Vision Board Day (2nd Saturday)
Organize Your Home Day Link
Ratification Day

SUNDAY, JANUARY 15

Alpha Kappa Alpha Day

Annoy Squidward Day (aka Your Boss) Link  (SpongeBob Squarepants)
Humanitarian Day
National Sanctity of Human Life Day (or Pro-Life Day): Link
World Religion Day Link

MONDAY, JANUARY 16

Appreciate A Dragon Day
Civil Service Day
Fig Newton Day Link  Link
Martin Luther King Day
National Crowd Feed Day
National Day of Service Link
Nothing Day
Religious Freedom Day Link
Without A Scalpel Day Link  Link

TUESDAY, JANUARY 17

Cable Car Day
Hot Heads Chili Days
International Mentoring Day  Link
Judgment Day
Kid Inventors’ Day
National Bootleggers Day Link
Popeye Day
Rid The World of Fad Diets and Gimmicks Day

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 18

Pooh (Winnie The) Day
Thesaurus Day Link

THURSDAY, JANUARY 19

Popcorn Day Link  (Alternate date: Super Bowl Sunday)
Robert E. Lee Day   Link
Thank Your Mentor Day  Link
Tin Can Day
World Day of Migrants and Refugees Link

FRIDAY, JANUARY 20

Camcorder Day
Data Innovation Day Link
International Fetish Day
National Cheese Lovers Day Link  Link
Penguin Awareness Day Link
Inauguration Day
National Disc Jockey Day Link  or (Link – go to 1958)
Women’s Healthy Weight Day Link

SATURDAY, JANUARY 21

National Hugging Day
Squirrel Appreciation Day

SUNDAY, JANUARY 22

Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day
Celebration of Life Day
National Bible Sunday Link  (4th Sunday)
Roe vs. Wade Day

MONDAY, JANUARY 23

National Handwriting Day Link
Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day

ON THIS DAY

1936: The 50-year-old Baptist minister B.B. McKinney prepared for an Alabama Sunday School Convention by writing the song “Wherever He Leads, I’ll Go.”

1957: In Hollywood, Elvis Presley recorded “All Shook Up” and “That’s When Your Heartaches Begin.”

1962: Comedian Ernie Kovacs died in a Los Angeles auto accident.

1964: The Beatles released “I Want to Hold Your Hand” in the U.S.

1979: “The Bionic Woman” debuted on ABC-TV starring Lindsay Wagner as schoolteacher-turned-cyborg Jaime Sommers. (audio clip)

1981: 11-year-old Donna Griffiths of Pershore, England, caught a cold and started sneezing. She sneezed about every 30 seconds until Sept. 16, 1983, 978 days later. It’s the world sneezing record.

1987: The Supreme Court ruled that states could require employers to grant unpaid leaves of absence to pregnant women.

1988: Residents dropped plans to build a 12-foot statue of Madonna in a bikini in the Italian village where her grandparents lived when the mayor objected.

1991: An unlucky thief was captured immediately after stealing a van in Lake Worth, Florida. He hadn’t noticed police officer Ulrich Navjoks on stake-out in the back of the van.

1993: A Dallas recording company mistakenly mailed the Dead Kennedys’ CD Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables to 1,000 radio stations that were supposed to receive religious programs from the Southern Baptist Radio-TV Commission.

1998: Dozens of police were called when a chair-swinging brawl erupted at an Oakland, California, clergyman’s funeral. Police said some 40 people from two different congregations were involved, though no one was arrested.

1999: The Washington Post reported that the U.S. National Security Agency had banned Furbys from its Fort Meade offices. The mechanical stuffed toys, which had built-in audio recorders, were deemed to be a threat to national security since they might be used to record classified information.

1999: Michael Jordan, regarded by many as the greatest basketball player ever, announced his retirement. He had led the Chicago Bulls to six NBA championships.

2002: The off-Broadway musical “The Fantasticks” closed in New York after almost 42 years and 17,162 shows.

2002: President George W. Bush fainted after choking on a pretzel.

2005: Major League Baseball adopted a tougher steroid-testing program that suspended first-time offenders for 10 days and randomly tested players year-round.

2007: A 7-year-old cat named Tama was named stationmaster at a railway station in Kinokawa, Japan. Two other cats were named deputy stationmasters at the unmanned Kishi Station. The railway paid the cats in food. Tama wore a special railway cap while on duty.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

367: Hilary of Poitiers, the leading orthodox church father during Arianism’s heyday, dies. His writings about the Trinity and his organization of anti-Arian allies were influential in fighting the heresy but did not have their full effect until after his death .

1501: Christianity’s first vernacular hymnal is printed in Prague, containing 89 hymns in Czech.

1616: Flemish mystic Antoinette Bourignon is born. A mystical writer whose works were included by John Wesley in his Christian Library, she soon found herself estranged from mainstream Christianity, especially when she declared herself the “woman clothed with the sun” of Revelation 12. Still, her ideas were so influential that, for 178 years, ministers of the Church of Scotland had to make an explicit denial of Bouringnonism before they could be ordained.

1635: Philip Jacob Spener, founder of German pietism, is born in Rappolstein. His emphasis on new birth and holy living revitalized the German Lutheran Church and many later movements, including American evangelicalism.

1691: George Fox, founder of the Society of Friends (Quakers), dies. Fox left the Anglican church to rely on the “Inner Light of the Living Christ.”

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean) Orlando Bloom, 40
  • Actress (“Baywatch”, “Charles In Charge”) Nicole Eggert, 45 (audio clip)
  • Actress (“Baywatch”) Traci Bingham, 49
  • Actor (Mobsters, Outbreak) Patrick Dempsey, 51
  • Actress (Kindergarten Cop, Big Top PeeWee) Penelope Ann Miller, 52
  • Actress (“Seinfeld’s” Elaine Benes) Julia Louis-Dreyfus, 56 (audio clip)
  • Actress (aunt Vivian Banks on “Fresh Prince of Bel Air”) Janet Hubert-Whitten, 61 (
    )
  • actor (Bull on TV’s “Night Court”) Richard Moll 74 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1884 : Sophie Tucker

1909 : Butter Jackson

1930 : Liz Anderson

1930 : Robert “Squirrel” Lester (The Moonglows, The Flamingos, The Chi-Lites)

1947 : John Lees (Barclay James Harvest)

1954 : Trevor Rabin (Yes)

1955 : Fred White (Earth, Wind & Fire)

1961 : Suggs aka Graham McPherson (Madness)

1970 : Zach de la Rocha (Rage Against The Machine)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, or 10, or an even dozen holes?

During a discussion among the club’s membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Third Day guitarist Mark Lee tweeted this week: What are a redneck’s last 2 words? Then he proceeded to do a front flip into a bean bag before sharing the two words; “That Hurts!”

https://www.instagram.com/p/BPGkHzTAf2h/

 

Crowder says: The sky’s the limit for your very own spinach party! That’s right, thanks to the deal of the day, you can now have a spinach party. Crowder posted a picture of a sign at his local grocery store that advertised: Spinach for $1. Buy 10 and have a spinach party. No limit.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BPDTUIzjJDe/

 

Danny Gokey this week shared a picture summing up his goal for 2017. It said: My goal for 2017 is to accomplish the goals of 2016 which I should have done in 2015 because I promised them in 2014 and planned in 2013.

 

Former Sanctus Real front man Matt Hammitt says the recent snow in Nashville created an interesting viewpoint. He posted: Watching the slow paced frenzy of Nashville traffic in the snow is kind of like watching a toddler on ice skates.

 

A suggestion from Casting Crowns Megan Garrett: I’d like to nominate the guy who invented the heated steering wheel for the nobel peace prize or something.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Fifty-three percent of those polled feel the president-elect is not honest.  ***Meaning things won’t change one iota in the Executive Branch.

Donald Trump still hasn’t booked an A-list performer for his inauguration, but he has locked up the B Street Band, a Bruce Springsteen cover band. ***At this point, why not just break out the karaoke machine and call it done?

CNN is reporting that 78% of fake news is actually made up.  ***Let’s hear that again… CNN is reporting that 78% of fake news is actually made up.  Meaning CNN believes that 22% of fake news is NOT made up.  Well, if it’s not made up – then how can it be fake?  And how can a news organization like CNN not understand the definition of the word “fake”?  What is in the water at CNN?

When Texas Gov. Greg Abbott met with Taiwan’s president this past Sunday, he not only infuriated China, he may have personally offended President Tsai Ing-wen. During the meeting, the Taiwanese president gave Gov. Abbott a vase, and Abbott in turn presented her with a clock decorated with the Texas state seal. The problem is that in both China and Taiwan, giving the gift of a clock is considered kind of like a curse, representing the end of a relationship or even death. In basic terms, it’s kind of like telling somebody, “Hope you die soon.” ***So the Taiwanese President plans to send the clock as a gift to the White House on January 20th.

Candy maker Mars is reportedly buying an L.A. based animal hospital chain for $7.7 billion.  ***I do NOT want to know why a candy company needs that.

President Obama’s farewell address was longer than President Reagan, Clinton and George W. Bush’s combined. 51 minutes and 10-seconds, to be exact.  ***Which came as a surprise to absolutely no one.

Mariah Carey’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame has been vandalized.  ***Her agents are blaming the producers of “Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve”… and they are blaming Russian Hackers.

Taco Bell will go nationwide this month with its taco with a shell made entirely out of fried chicken. The shell of the Naked Chicken Chalupa is made up of all-white seasoned chicken. The rest of the taco is packed with lettuce, tomatoes, cheddar cheese and avocado ranch sauce. The fast food chain says the taco tested well in markets in Bakersfield, California, and Kansas City, Missouri, over the past two years. It will be available at Taco Bells across the country on January 26th.  ***This is actually a time-management tool.  Taco Bell felt it wasn’t pushing you towards the cemetery fast enough.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A study at Columbia Business School shows that the bigger the desk someone has the more likely they are to steal. ***Makes sense. The bigger the desk the more places you have to hide the stuff you stole.

More states are requiring physical education for elementary, middle and high school students, though few require kids to exercise for a specific amount of time.  A report released by the American Heart Association and the National Association for Sport and Physical Education said exercise for schoolchildren is also threatened by a rising number of waivers and exemptions from PE in school districts around the country.  ***I was going to do a more in-depth look into this and go on-location, but I have a note from my mother saying I don’t have to.

New research claims men don’t mature until they’re 43 — 11 years after women. But at least men know they take more time to grow up. In the same study, men were nearly twice as likely to describe themselves as immature than were women, with one in four men believing they are actively immature.  ***I guess it depends on what constitutes “immature”.  I don’t play video games, I don’t go out drinking with the guys, but I do use light beer in my Cocoa Puffs.

Want a good night’s sleep? It could be time to sleep apart from your spouse. There is a lot of evidence that sleeping apart is gathering popularity — at least in the U.S. The National Association of Home Builders says it’s expects 60% of new homes to have dual master bedrooms by next year.  ***he doesn’t have to listen to my snoring, I don’t have to deal with her ice-cold feet, and we can visit whenever we want – sounds perfect to me.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Nozzles the Elephant had decided to begin writing down all of the tools Gruffy had never returned to him. But then Gruffy began writing all of the things Nozzles did wrong. That went on for a long time, and now Sully the Aardvark is at Nozzles’ house and they’re both thinking of things others do wrong… and writing them down…

CLOSE: How can so many friends keep telling each other their faults and yet still want to be in the same room together eating pizza? This is going to be one really messy pizza party unless somebody gets rid of that book! We’ll find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Modern art morphs into a Moment of Duh!

For some reason, California artist Trevor Corneliusien wanted to draw a portrait of his own legs wrapped in chains. Trevor went to his favorite sketching spot, an abandoned mine shaft about five miles north of the Mojave Desert town of Baker, California, to begin work. To ensure authenticity, Trevor chained his legs together so that he could accurately render a picture. While the picture may have been accurate, his memory was not. After completing the drawing, Trevor realized he forgot to bring the key to unlock the restraints and was forced to hop for 12 hours through the desert back to town. On the bright side, Deputy Ryan Ford, who helped cut his chains, said of the drawing: “It was a pretty good depiction of how a chain would look wrapped around your legs.”  ***MARLAR: But then, he did have a LOT of time to work on it!

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU’VE CHOSEN A “NO FRILLS” AIRLINE

10. They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.

9. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

8. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

7. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

5. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

4. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

3. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

2. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, “Just once.”

1. No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A well planned robbery, a getaway car, an easy victim – but still the culprits end up in the files of Law & Disorder!

FILE #1: Craig Glaiser approached a 24-year-old man, kicked him and grabbed his bag.  Yes, we have a crime in progress.  Glaiser apparently had spent some time planning the caper, as he had his faithful and loyal accomplice, Nicholas Saide, waiting in a vehicle.  Saide, the wheel man, took his job seriously.  Not only was he there to provide their timely means of escape, but also to use his vehicle directly in the commission of the crime, because when the victim attempted to skedaddle, Saide drove up on the pavement to block any path to escape.  With a smirk undoubtedly on his face, Glaiser picked up his booty, got in the car, and nodded for Saide burn rubber and lam it out of there.  Clean, and quick.  Except that they had failed to notice that a police helicopter had been hovering above them the entire time and had filmed the assault.  Glaiser got two years, Saide got a year.  Both end up in the files of Law & Disorder.

FILE #2: Police say a woman who begged from a wheelchair was caught running from a crime scene on foot in Monterrey, Mexico. Police spokeswoman Sidlayin Robles says 30-year-old Ana Victoria Perez fled on foot after she and her husband allegedly threw a stone through the front window of a furniture store. Perez was a regular fixture along a main Monterrey road, asking for change from motorists as she sat in a wheelchair pushed by her husband. Robles says that the couple apparently planned to rob the furniture store but were scared off by a security guard. They have been charged with vandalism. Police arrested the couple when they returned for the wheelchair.

FILE #3: In Launceston, Australia a gang of would-be burglars tried to steal a cash machine inside a shopping center. First they forced open the doors of the mall to get to the ATM inside. So far so good. But this was a big, heavy duty cash machine and it would require special tools to get inside it. The burglars thought they were well prepared for the task. Before going to the mall they had stolen a truck with some welding equipment in it. They dragged the welder inside and went to work on the ATM. And that’s when things started to go sour. Perhaps they forgot that cash is flammable. The heat from the welding torch incinerated the money.

STRANGE LAW: A law that still exists in Nevada makes it legal to hang someone if they shoot your dog on your property.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Ever had a splitting headache where it felt as if nails were being driven into your skull?  Next time, you might check to see if there are, perhaps, actual nails protruding from your skull. 

An Oregon man suffering from a terrible headache went to a hospital for an examination. Turns out he had something stuck in his head; actually 12 things; actually, 12 nails. And he had put them there himself. The man at first told doctors he had had a “nail gun accident.” It wasn’t until later that the patient admitted he was using drugs at the time of his nailing. Somehow the guy was in remarkably good condition when he got to the hospital. Surgeons were able to remove the nails with needle-nosed pliers because the nail heads did not penetrate the skull.

PHONER PHUN

(Email from a listener) Our new preacher prides himself on being “hip” and “with it” and bringing young people into the church. But some of his techniques are questionable. For one thing, he throws big “communion parties” which is something I’ve never heard of. He also ends each weekly youth service by burping “The Lord’s Prayer.” What do you think of that?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Which apostle was exiled to Patmos?



ANSWER: John (See Revelation 1:9. The island of Patmos, just off the coast of Asia Minor, was a place where John was confined with other political prisoners. It was here that he received the revelation of Jesus Christ in a series of visions.)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: A new study says that if you don’t like a food you should do this to see if it will taste better?

ANSWER: Eat it in a different location.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The movies “The Terminator,” “The Abyss” and the “Titanic” were all directed by James Cameron. (True)

2. The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing. (True)

3. A moment is an actual unit of time. (True – it’s defined as lasting exactly 1 1/2 minutes)

4. The worst time to reach the IRS is on a Monday. (True – around 1pm on Monday is the absolute worst time to try to get hold of them)

5. When a person sneezes, their heart stops for one and a half seconds. (False)

6. Drinking from a water hose can eventually cause brain damage. (False)

7. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. (True)

8. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. (True)

9. There are 157 ways to make change for a dollar. (False… there are 293 ways!)

10. On the cartoon show ‘The Jetsons,’ Jane the mom is 33 years old and her daughter Judy is 15. (True – that means that the mom had her first child at age 18!) (audio clip)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

______ KILL HERRING IN NORWAY (ALIENS)

OSLO, NORWAY – Ten of thousands of dead fish have washed ashore in Norway.   The reason:  aliens.

There were thousands and thousands of dead herring everywhere on the coast Norway for two days – and then they mysteriously disappeared.

The dead fish first appeared on New Year’s Eve, leading to speculation that predators might have driven a huge school ashore or the fish could have been washed onto the beach by a powerful storm that hit Norway on Christmas Day.

WWN once again turned experts at the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials.  Dr. Susan Begley spoke to WWN last night.

“This is a similar event that happened last New Year, but it seems have escalated.  Last New Year, dead blackbirds dropped from the sky in Arkansas and dead herring came ashore in Norway, the pattern was repeated this year – only the numbers are far greater.”

Dr. Begley said that the U.N. has concluded that the herring (and the blackbirds) were killed by aliens from Planet Gootan.  “There are two alien species that have been inhabiting the earth in the last fourteen months.  The Zeebans are peaceful and docile beings here to help humans, and the Gootans are here to attack us.  The dead herring appear to be the work of the Gootans – they are sending another warning to citizens of earth.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A boy was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is it ? I’ve told you that I’m a beautiful Princess and that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?!?”

The boy said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool.”

JOKE #2

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash.

He did it again for a third time at an even slower rate. Same result.

“Some idiot must have messed up the settings,” the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets – each for not wearing his seat belt.

JOKE #3

Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco, a passenger noticed that the “Fasten Seat Belts” sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.

Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it. 
”Well,” she explained, “up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. “In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?”

USELESS FACTS

You can lower your blood pressure with 3 to 4 ten-minute walks a day, Indiana University researchers report.  ***Right… like your ultra-stress boss at your ultra-stress job is going to let you have that many breaks.

Music has been known to improve relationships. It can strengthen a couple’s bond and relieve emotional tension. ***Unless you’re bonding over the song “I Hate Everything About You”.

FEATURED FUNNIES

PUNNY COW JOKE

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be “Macho,” and went out walking with one of the hired hands.  Walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation:

“Say, look at that big bunch of cows.”

The hired hand replied, “Not ‘bunch,’ but ‘herd.’ “

“Heard what?”

“Herd of cows.”

“Sure, I’ve heard of cows.  There’s a big bunch of ’em right over there.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

In Michigan City, Indiana, 11-year-old Cameron Schuette is lucky to be alive after a pickup truck ran over his head!

…Cameron and his 13-year-old brother Tyler were helping their grandfather chop and load wood. The boys were sitting on the tailgate of their grandfather’s truck when he began backing down his gravel driveway and Cameron either fell or jumped off. Grandpa Ron Shurley said he at first thought he ran over a piece of wood until he got out of the truck and saw Cameron lying face down in the gravel. Cameron was rushed to the hospital where tests revealed he had a slight hairline skull fracture. He was released the next day and the only lingering effects seem to be nothing more than a slight headache. Grandpa Ron said, “Maybe he’s got an exceptionally hard head!”

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

GOD-CENTERED FAITH

Read: Mark 11:12-24

Have faith in God. –Mark 11:22

During difficult times we often lament, “If only I had more faith!” Yet we demonstrate in everyday life that the most important issue is not the amount of our faith but the object of our faith. For instance, whenever we sit down in a chair, we trust that it will support us. Our faith is in the chair, not in how much faith we possess. In Mark 11:12-24, Jesus taught His disciples the importance of having the right object of faith. It began when they overheard Jesus curse a fig tree (v.14). The next morning, Peter exclaimed, “Look! The fig tree which You cursed has withered away” (v.21). Jesus replied, “Have faith in God” (v.22). Having declared God as the object of faith, Jesus assured them that they too could pray for and receive amazing results through God-centered faith. And so may we.

Often, however, we praise those who have great faith in God. Ian Thomas once preached: “When we congratulate people for having faith in our Creator, we’re really saying that God is so decrepit they’re to be congratulated for believing in Him.” He continued, “To become less conscious of faith, we must become more acquainted with the object of faith.” Get to know God better. Then to trust Him will become as natural as trusting the chair you’re sitting on!

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

REAL SECURITY

It’s finally here! I can hardly believe it. I remember as a child thinking what (ancient) age I would be when the year 2000 arrived. It seemed it never would. But it has come to pass, and I have reached that ancient age. We’ve all heard the many forecasts of doom and gloom, whether it be as a result of the Y2K computer bug or as a result of God’s judgment. Many words have been spoken about the possibilities, especially economically during the next few years. In many parts of the world the very things we fear have already arrived. There is massive suffering in many nations. But we do not know what awaits us in the future, whether it will be feast or famine, good times or bad. Do we put our hopes in the economy of our country or in the stock market, or is our security in things that are unseen? If the economy should fail us, which way would we turn? Would we despair and no longer have any hope or reason for living? Are the everyday comforts that we enjoy what we are relying on? What would happen to us if we lost them?
If you have been putting all your trust in the things of this world and neglecting your spiritual security, I challenge you today to reevaluate the value of the two. In 2 Corinthians 4:18-19 we read, “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
This is a perfect time for reevaluation of your priorities. God has put before you a door that leads to a new life, one that is built upon eternal truths rather than temporal things that will fail us. Jesus said in John 10:9, “I am the Door; if anyone enters through Me, he shall be saved…” I admonish you today to walk through that Door that is before you while you have the opportunity and while it is open wide. In Christ we have this promise no matter what the future may bring: “‘For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, but My loving kindness will not be removed from you, and My covenant of peace will not be shaken,’ says the Lord who has compassion on you” Isaiah 54:10.
Contributed by Daphne Harrington

LEFTOVERS

SLOW AND STEADY

While many college kids take the “five or six year plans” to graduate, Stuart Baldwin took a little bit longer. Make that, a lot longer!

…The 70-year-old book shop owner in the UK just graduated after 28 years of college courses. Stuart Baldwin has now not only collected his BS, but has been given the dubious distinction this week of receiving a Guinness Book of Records certificate for the longest time recorded to complete a university degree. He started on a science foundation course with the Open University when it opened in 1971. He says that “studying was a hobby” and that he “didn’t want it to end.” Stuart now plans to tackle a doctorate at breakneck speed. “I think there’s an eight-year limit on PhDs” he said “so I’ll be in no danger of breaking my own record.” He potentially could’ve started college the year one of his professors was born!

LIFE… LIVE IT

Are you an impatient pain in the neck?

Let’s find out… Answer each question TRUE or FALSE and keep track of your points.

  • You think everyone is entitled to make a mistake. (If you answered TRUE, give yourself a point.)
  • You would never dream of peeking at your Christmas presents ahead of time. (If you answered TRUE, give yourself a point.)
  • Your home is crammed with paintings, needlework or other examples of your favorite hobby. (If you answered TRUE, give yourself a point.)
  • You prefer newspapers, magazines and watching TV to reading books. (If you answered FALSE, give yourself a point.)
  • Your garage or basement is cluttered with unfinished projects you started than forgot about. (If you answered FALSE, give yourself a point.)
  • You love crossword puzzles and other games that tax the mind. (If you answered TRUE, give yourself a point.)
  • You grind your teeth in rush-hour traffic. (If you answered FALSE, give yourself a point.)
  • You play “musical checkout counters” when waiting in line at the supermarket, constantly moving to the shortest line. (If you answered FALSE, give yourself a point.)
  • You never exceed the speed limit when driving. (If you answered TRUE, give yourself a point.)
  • You interrupt people during conversations. (If you answered FALSE, give yourself a point.)

SCORE:

  • 0-4 Points… you tend to be impatient, so ask yourself whether saving a minute or two is really worth it if it hurts the feelings of others. Start enjoying life a little more. Extreme impatience can have a basis in physical problems… anemia, vitamin deficiency, poor sleeping or eating habits.
  • 5-7 Points… You’re even tempered with good self control. You realize that many delays and inconveniences turn out to be no one else’s fault. But there is a limit to your toleration of the vices and manipulations of other people.
  • 8-10 Points… You are extremely patient and don’t demand instant gratification at the expense of others. You enjoy completing every job. You’re very tolerant… almost TOO tolerant… so guard against people who might take advantage of your good nature.

JUST FOR FUN

IT’S TIME TO EAT!

Why are Americans so fat?  Well, it has something to do with eating.

Do you wonder why 50% of all Americans are considered overweight? According to a study from the University of Minnesota, it’s because of the increasing numbers of food brands available to them. There’s more food available than ever! Another reason is that Americans eat out more and are eating larger portions. As a result, for every dollar spent in households on food, 20% went to eating out in the 1970s, but that has since increased to 38%.  ***MARLAR: So basically, the university spent all of this money on a study to tell us that we’re overweight because there’s plenty of food to eat and we’re eating it.  Thanks for the info, Professor Obvious.

FUN LIST

YOU KNOW IT’S TIME TO DIET WHEN…

  • You dance and it makes the band skip.
  • You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
  • You go to the zoo and the elephants throw YOU peanuts.
  • Your driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.”
  • You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
  • Your blood type: Ragu!
  • You are diagnosed with the flesh-eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Even after kids move out, Mom’s favoritism still matters.

…When Mom repeatedly singles out one adult child more than another, whether for praise or a slap on the wrist, she’s unwittingly contributing to her offspring’s depression, according to recently released research.  “Perceived favoritism from one’s mother still matters to a child’s psychological well-being, even if they have been living for years outside the parental home and have started families of their own,” said study researcher Karl Pillemer, a Cornell University gerontologist. “It doesn’t matter whether you are the chosen child or not, the perception of unequal treatment has damaging effects for all siblings.”   Even Mom’s favorites take a hit. -“Interestingly, being the favorite child has some serious drawbacks, research has found,” Pillemer says. “The favored child can feel guilty, and he or she can experience negative relationships with the other siblings, who may be resentful. With older parents, favored children may be expected to provide more care and assistance for the parent, leading to stress.” As for which children become Mom’s favorites, “Parents tend to prefer oldest or youngest (as opposed to middle) children, and they gravitate toward those children who are more similar to them in personal characteristics and values,” Pillemer said.

FRIDAY THE 13TH STUFF…

Do you have paraskedvidekatriaphobia? 

Better question… can you pronounce paraskedvidekatriaphobia better than I can?  Anyway, if you have paraskedvidekatriaphobia today is a nasty day for you.  Paraskedvidekatriaphobia is a fear of Friday the 13th.  It seems kind of silly to be afraid of an ordinary day, doesn’t it?  The 13th of the month is bound to land on a Friday every once in a while – but some people get so weirded out about it that they have to see a psychologist!  They don’t freak when the first day of the month lands on a Sunday – which is what is required in order to get a day like today… but no matter.  It’s the 13th day landing on a Friday, that’s the only thing they think about.  A lot of people really do think that Friday the 13th is unlucky, and they can’t face it without professional help.  Unfortunately, our society has many odd superstitions.  One athlete refuses to eat anything but chicken on game day.  Others are concerned about “lucky” numbers… avoiding stepping on certain lines on the field, or having the same seat on the bench all of the time.  But as Christians, one thing we should not suffer from is paraskedvidekatriaphobia, because superstitions should not have any hold or power over us.  It’s God that has the power over us, and He is truly all-powerful… nothing we do or believe can change that.  That includes luck… bad or good.  We need to be devoted to an all-powerful GOD… not an all-powerless superstition.

 

 

FRIDAY THE 13TH BAD LUCK According to superstition, it’s bad luck today to…

Begin a new job or a trip

Cut off both ends of a loaf of bread

Flip your mattress

Put new shoes on the table

Leave your hat on the bed

Walk under a ladder

Pour water on a windowsill

Plant potatoes

Lean a broom on a bed

Open an umbrella indoors

Do housework

Wear new clothes

Cut your hair

Sneeze to your left side

Have a black cat cross your path

 

Of course, I think all of that is complete nonsense.  Yet, while I’m not superstitious, there are a few other areas that I do feel there is bad luck in.  It’s bad luck to…

  • Spit in the air while looking up.

  • Run through a parking lot with your eyes closed.

  • Climb on your roof when your pain pill is kicking in.

  • Drive your car on the wrong side of the road.

  • Discipline a gang of kids wearing matching bandanas.

  • Talk about a bomb when walking to your plane terminal.

  • Take a laxative before leaving on a road trip.

  • Stick your finger in a fan while it’s on.

  • Touch an electrical outlet when standing in water.

 

 

TODAY IS FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH – Can you guess what “13” we’re talking about?

“Houston, we’ve got a problem” (Apollo 13)

Not in a lot of buildings (13th floor)

USA (13 original colonies)

“Change water into wine” (13 people seated at “The Last Supper”)

Miami Dolphin quarterback (#13, Dan Marino)

“You’re Gonna Miss Me” (the 60’s hit by a band called Thirteenth Floor Elevators)

Amount of donuts (baker’s dozen, which is 13)

George Clooney (Ocean’s 13, the movie)

Jennifer Garner (the movie “Thirteen going on 30”)

Abolishment of slavery (The 13th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution)

 

 

SPEAKING OF THIRTEEN…

The Great Seal of The United States has:

13 levels of the truncated pyramid

13 letters in “E Pluribus Unum”, which appears in the banner running through the eagle’s beak on the right side of the bill’s reverse

13 letters in the phrase “Annuit Coeptis”, which appears over the pyramid on the left side of the bill’s reverse

13 stars above the Eagle

13 leaves on the olive branch

13 olives on the olive branch

13 arrows held by the Eagle

13 bars on the shield

 

BE AFRAID… BE VERY AFRAID You already know that people who fear closed-in places suffer from “claustrophobia,” but do you know what to call a fear of bald people? It’s “peladophobia.” Here’s a list of phobias, because the next time someone tells you their darkest fear, you may not be able to help him conquer it, but at least you’ll be able to tell them what it’s called.

Arachibutyrophobia – Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth and soaking up saliva.

Helminthophobia – Fear of getting worms.

Logophobia – Fear of words. Victims quake at the sight of books or even at listening to another person talk.

Eisoptrophobia – Fear of mirrors.

Erythrophobia – Fear of blushing. Some people live in terror of others seeing them with a red face. It starts a vicious cycle because the more self-conscious they become about it, the more they blush.

Pogonophobia – Fear of facial hair. Sufferers cringe at the sight of face stubble, and absolutely panic at seeing a full beard.

Lachanophobia – Fear of vegetables. Don’t talk to sufferers about eating spinach, green beans or broccoli, these people are terrified by the mere sight of the stuff.

Levophobia – Fear of objects to the left side of the body.

Dextrophobia – Fear of objects to the right side of the body.

Alektorophobia – Fear of fowl – in other words, being chicken of chickens.

Caligynephobia – Fear of beautiful women. It affects both men and women!

Clinophobia – Fear of going to bed. Sadly, folks with this fear often suffer from insomnia, which in turn promotes stress, making the condition worse.

Paraskidvikatriaphobia – Fear of Friday the 13th!

 

SOME LESS COMMONLY KNOWN PHOBIAS

Anananany: The inability to stop spelling ‘banana’ once you’ve started.

Anatidaephobia: The fear that wherever you are, a duck is watching!

Angoraphobia: The fear of soft sweaters and rabbits.

Friendorphobia: The fear of being asked “Who goes there?”

Friggaphobics: People who fear Fridays.

Genuphobia: The fear of knees.

Graphophobia: The fear of writing.

Heortophobia: The fear of holidays.

Iophobia: The fear of rust.

Katagelophobia: The fear of ridicule.

Lyssophobia: The fear of insanity.

Peniaphobia: The fear of poverty.

Phobaphobia: The fear of fear itself.

Phronemophobia: The fear of thinking.

Quadriphobia: The fear of 4-way stops and not knowing who goes next.

 

 

SUPERSTITIONS

Of course, as Christians we don’t believe (or shouldn’t believe) in any of this stuff… but it’s fun to take a look at some of the ridiculous things people believe in out of insecurity.  Here are a few common superstitions:

  • A rabbit’s foot brings good luck (try telling that to the rabbit!)

  • Step on a crack, break your mother’s back (I tried this once when I was grounded… it doesn’t work)

  • You can break a bad luck spell by turning seven times in a clockwise circle (sounds like you’d be more likely to break your arm by spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down!)

  • Garlic protects from evil spirits (Gee, and to think Jesus died for nothing…)

  • At the end of a rainbow is a pot of gold (and a little leprechaun that gets really possessive over his Lucky Charms!)

  • Clothes worn inside out will bring good luck (and laughter from your peers)

  • If you blow out all of the candles on your birthday cake with the first breath you will get whatever you wish for (Has that worked for ANYBODY?  I’m still waiting for the sports car in the driveway with a giant bow on it.)

  • To have a wish come true using a wishbone, two people make a wish, then take hold of each end of the bone and pull it until it separates. The person with the longer end gets his or her wish (my problem was that I always wished I’d be the winner of the wishbone breaking contest)

  • An itchy palm means money will come your way (either that or your personal hygiene needs some attention

  • A beginner will always have good luck: beginner’s luck (so if you have a new job, do your best to keep wearing that “trainee” name tag as long as possible!)

  • Eating fish makes you smart (fish heads, fish heads, rolly-polly fish heads…)

  • A cricket in the house brings good luck (and madness if it keeps you up all night with its chirping)

  • It is bad luck to sleep on a table (this is a big problem for people?)

  • A bird that comes in your window brings bad luck (and bird droppings all over the house)

  • If the bottom of your feet itch, you will make a trip (to the drugstore for athlete’s foot medicine)

  • Animals can talk at midnight on Christmas Eve (the only explanation for those Christmas TV specials like Rudolph)

  • A person cannot drown before going under three times (this is disturbing… somebody had to do a study to come to this conclusion – meaning that instead of saving the poor soul they were counting how many times they went under before they stayed under)

  • Washing a car will bring rain (this one is true, as I can’t remember even one time it didn’t rain after I washed my car.  Car washing also brings bird droppings!)

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

When you tell a lie, your brain balks. Tell another one, and your brain handles it better. The more lies you tell, the more desensitized your brain becomes to your self-serving and dishonest behavior, leaving your conscience speechless. That’s the word from researchers at University College London, who have determined that once we engage in dishonest behavior, such behavior only escalates. During a study, as incentives were added for dishonesty, people’s dishonesty escalated. ***And now you understand the minds of people working at BuzzFeed News.

Bob Rutherford may not be a knitting machine – but he did build one!  Since doing so he has made more than 10,000 socks for shelters across Canada using his homemade knitting machine.  Read his story at http://fb.me/7tcIWKVX8

Single dad Phil Morgese has started a very interesting workshop for single dads.  He’s teaching other fathers how to braid their daughters hair!  You can watch the heartwarming video about Phil and what he’s doing at http://fb.me/8jOCswXhZ

Mark Merrill from “Family Minute” came up with 5 secrets you should know about your life – and you can find the list at http://bit.ly/2hVTADW

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

I’d planned to clean up the control room today, but then I got to thinking: if it was clean it might not work.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JANUARY 13, 2017…

 

Live By Night—Opening from a previous date. Ben Affleck stars and directs this movie about gangsters and their rise to the top in Boston.  Based on a Dennis Lehane novel and set in the 1920’s. There is back-stabbing, love and the rest of crimes included. Also starring in the film are Sienna Miller, Elle Fanning and Zoe Saldana. “Live By Night” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Patriot’s Day—Based on the book “Boston Strong” by Casey Sherman and Dave Wedge, it tells a story of one man (Mark Wahlberg) who is on duty when the Boston Marathon bombings took place.  Heroes comes in all shapes and sizes and gender. Also in the cast are Kevin Bacon, John Goodman, J. K. Simmons and Michelle Monaghan. “Patriot’s Day” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

The Bye Bye Man—This is a supernatural thriller about something from the beyond that tries to possess people when they say its name, “Bye Bye Man.” The film stars Douglas Smith, Doug Jones, Carrie-Anne Moss and Faye Dunaway. “The Bye Bye Man” is rated R. No rating.

 

Monster Trucks—A 3-D stop-action film, it concerns a young man who wants some action in his life, so he builds a giant truck from spare parts. However, when a contaminated oil spill hits the truck, it develops a life of its own and calls itself “Creech.” Oh, yeah? Voices of Jane Levy, Rob Lowe and Danny Glover.” “Monster Trucks” is rated PG. No rating.

 

Elle—A French film and subtitled. Isabelle Huppert really takes on this role, which is a strong R rating  about a woman dealing with the aftermath of a rape.  She has her own way of doing things, and devious they are. As an occupation, she designs video games. Also in the cast are Charles Berling and Laurent Lafitte.“Elle” is rated R (could have been NC-17). No rating.

 

Sleepless—This is an action film starring Jamie Foxx and has him as a police officer who ends up unwittingly putting his son’s life in danger. Also in the cast are T. I., Michelle Monaghan and Dermot Mulroney. Adapted from the book “Sleepless Night” by F. Jardin, N. Saada and O. Douyere. “Sleepless” is rated R. No rating.

 

JANUARY 20, 2017…

 

Split is from M. Night Shyamalan, who hasn’t had much luck with films lately. This premise concerns kidnappings and a man with a split personality. Stars James McAvory.

 

XXX: Return of Xander Cage stars Vin Diesel (missed him??) in an action film

 

The Founder has Michael Keaton as the builder of McDonald’s. Opening from a previous date.

 

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.