January 15, 2018: Monday ONAIRprep

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PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180115
PDF: 20180115

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

And this reminder: If you hear a joke on (THE JOCK SHOW) and repeat that joke to your family or co-workers without mentioning (STATION), we will hunt you down and give you a wedgie.  Thank you, and have a nice day.

Do you think I could start getting mornings off from work for religious reasons if I told my boss I utter the words “Please God, no…” when the alarm goes off?

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“Citizens by birth or choice of a common country, that country has a right to concentrate your affections. The name of American, which belongs to you, in your national capacity, must always exalt the just pride of Patriotism, more than any appellation deprived from local discriminations.” – George Washington (Farewell Address: September 19, 1796)

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given to me — the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace. — Acts 20:24

Just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.” — 1 Peter 1:15-16

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. — John 13:34

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

“I am the LORD; that is my name! I will not give my glory to another. … See, the former things have taken place, and new things I declare; before they spring into being, I tell you of them.” — Isaiah 42:8-9

Thought: No matter what happens over the next few days, months, or years, God is already there! He is not bound by space and time. He creates reality by his powerful word. While some may tremble with fear because of the unknown, Christians can take comfort in knowing that wherever we find ourselves, our Father is already there. He is already working on our deliverance and salvation. Even now he is declaring new things for us — things about our future that we cannot see. So as we journey into our unknown future, let’s make sure we journey with the one to whom the future is not unknown.

Prayer: Thank you Father! You know where my life and my world are headed. With so much tumult about the changing of the year and the passing of time, I consciously and confidently trust that my future is in your hands. There is no other place I would rather it be! Please bless me with confidence and banish anxiety from my heart as your future unfolds before me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Colossians 1:15 NIV = The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation.

TODAY IS MONDAY – JANUARY 15, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
344 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. DAY, marking Dr. King’s birth on January 15th, 1929. At the same time, it is HUMANITARIAN DAY, a day of respect, always held on Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday. (audio clip)

Today is ELEMENTARY SCHOOLTEACHER DAY. *** Call or write your favorite teacher and thank them for edumakating you!

This week is LET MEN BE OUR HEROES WEEK, a week for women to appreciate the masculine, to appreciate men, and to give men the opportunity to make women happy. ***The challenge for men will be to figure out what makes women happy. And if you do figure it out, you’ll be MY hero too.

Today is NEW YEAR’S DAY FOR PROCRASTINATORS. ***Unless you’d rather celebrate it tomorrow.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Alpha Kappa Alpha Day
Blue Monday
Humanitarian Day
Martin Luther King Day
National Crowd Feed Day
National Day of Service

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

TUESDAY, JANUARY 16

Appreciate A Dragon Day
Civil Service Day
Fig Newton Day
Nothing Day
Religious Freedom Day
Rid The World of Fad Diets and Gimmicks Day
Without A Scalpel Day

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 17

Cable Car Day
Hot Heads Chili Days
International Mentoring Day
Judgment Day
Kid Inventors’ Day
National Bootleggers Day
Popeye Day

THURSDAY, JANUARY 18

Pooh (Winnie The) Day
Thesaurus Day
Get to Know Your Customers Day

FRIDAY, JANUARY 19

Bean Day
Popcorn Day
Robert E. Lee Day
Tin Can Day
Women’s Healthy Weight Day
World Day of Migrants and Refugees

SATURDAY, JANUARY 20

Camcorder Day
National Cheese Lovers Day
Penguin Awareness Day
Inauguration Day
National Disc Jockey Day

SUNDAY, JANUARY 21

Celebration of Life Day
National Hugging Day
National Sanctity of Human Life Day (or Pro-Life Day)
Stephen Foster Day
World Religion Day
World Snow Day

MONDAY, JANUARY 22

Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day
National Bible Sunday
Roe vs. Wade Day

ON THIS DAY

1827: A Mr. Chaubert volunteered to test a new heat-resistant material called asbestos. He carried a raw steak into a large oven in Paris and emerged 12 minutes later very hot but unharmed. The steak was very well done.

1919: A huge holding tank ruptured in Boston, flooding a large area with over 2-million gallons of molasses. Waves of molasses 10 to 20 feet high killed 21 people.

1967: Over 63,000 fans attended the first Super Bowl at Los Angeles’ Memorial Coliseum where Vince Lombardi’s Green Bay Packers defeated the Kansas City Chiefs, 35-10.

1974: “Happy Days” premiered on ABC-TV. It starred Ron Howard, Anson Williams, and Donny Most, along with Tom Bosley, Marion Ross, and Erin Moran. Supporting actor Henry Winkler (The Fonz) quickly became a major star. (audio clip)

1982: Dallas Maverick backup center Scott Lloyd set an NBA record by fouling out of a game against Denver. All six fouls came in one quarter.

1983: Thom Syles of Van Nuys, California, set a world record by keeping the same candy Life Saver in his mouth for seven hours and ten minutes.

1984: Hana Mandlikova broke Martina Navratilova’s winning tennis streak at 55, one short of the all-time record. So Martina started another streak and won 74 straight matches.

1985: Jimmy Dean was ordered to pay his brother, Don, half a million dollars for mental anguish suffered in a feud over the family sausage business.

1995: An Overland Park, Florida, dog named Sheba had nine puppies that her owner buried alive in a paper bag and a grave 2-feet deep. The next day, when Sheba was unchained, she dug up the puppies. All nine were still alive.

1998: One of Britain’s most famous fugitives, a runaway pig named Butch Cassidy, was captured eight days after escaping with his buddy, the Sundance Pig, from a London slaughterhouse and swimming an icy river to freedom. After live TV coverage of the capture, the abattoir owner agreed to spare the lives of the new hog heroes. The Sundance Pig, however, remained at large.

2004: Three teenagers who went streaking through a Spokane, Washington, restaurant watched in horror as a thief drove off in their car, which they left running to make a fast getaway. Naked in below zero degree temperatures, the three youngsters huddled behind cars in a nearby parking garage until police arrived.

2006: In a runoff election, Chile chose Michelle Bachelet as its first female president.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

345: Paul of Thebes, traditionally considered the first Christian hermit and an inspiration for Antony of Egypt and later Christian monasticism, dies.

1535: Henry VIII declares himself head of English Church.

1697: Massachusetts citizens observe a day of fasting and repentance for the Salem witch trials of 1692, in which 19 suspected witches were hanged and more than 150 imprisoned. The day was declared “That so all of God’s people may offer up fervent supplications unto him, that all iniquity may be put away, which hath stirred God’s holy jealousy against this land; that he would show us what we know not, and help us, wherein we have done amiss, to do so no more”.

1844: The University of Notre Dame, America’s premiere Roman Catholic institution of higher learning, is chartered in South Bend, Indiana.

1929: Baptist minister Martin Luther King, Jr., America’s most visible civil rights leader from 1955 until his assassination in 1968, is born in Atlanta.

1970: Israeli archaeologists reported uncovering the first evidence supporting the destruction of Jerusalem in 70 A.D. by military forces of the ancient Roman Empire.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (“24”, “The Boondocks”, “Southland”) Regina King 47
  • actor (“24”, Unfaithful, “Melrose Place”) Chad Lowe 50

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1909 : Gene Krupa

1929 : Earl Hooker

1941 : Captain Beefheart

1942 : Edward Bivins (The Manhattans)

1949 : Ronnie Van Zant (Lynyrd Skynyrd)

1951 : Charo

1951 : Martha Davis (The Motels)

1952 : Melvyn Gale (Electric Light Orchestra)

1967 : Lisa Velez (Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

Why do soldiers salute one another? Where did that originate?

Why do people in the military always salute each other when they meet? They can’t be shielding their eyes from the sun, the better to see each other, because they salute indoors and after dark, as well. Nor can it be some form of elbow aerobics, because a mere one repetition would have little value. In fact, it’s based on tradition. The handshake upon meeting came from the custom of showing the other person that you carried no concealed weapon. The salute originated with the medieval knight, who pulled up his visor to reveal his face and show he was a friend. It evolved into a widespread custom of nodding or tipping one’s hat as a greeting, and in the military became the more formal salute. Servicemen and women learn to put snap into their salute. But don’t overdo it if you join up. You lose face if you knock yourself unconscious in front of an officer.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Roseanne Barr thinks she would be a better president than either Oprah or Donald Trump. Barr, who placed sixth in the 2012 presidential race as the nominee for the Peace & Freedom Party, is suggesting the possibility of another try, especially in light of calls for Winfrey to run after her Golden Globes speech Sunday night. Barr says: “I do love Oprah. But you know what? I think it’s time for us as a country to shake things up and, you know, try something different.” ***Well – we tried that with Obama, now we’re trying it with Trump… the “something different” angle doesn’t seem to be working very well.

Dunkin’ Donuts is dropping all artificial dyes from their donuts.  ***Meaning donuts will soon be health food!  (Hey, that’s how I’m interpreting it – shut up.)

The IRS is actively collecting from those who have unpaid back taxes. The bad news is they’re outsourcing the debt collection – and it’s costing them about $3 for every $1 it brings in! National Taxpayer Advocate Nina Olson, head of the Taxpayer Advocate Service, said in her annual report to Congress this week that the private debt collection cost the IRS $20 million in the last fiscal year and only collected $6.7 million in back taxes.  ***Wait… so Common Core math is REAL?!?!

Walmart announced yesterday that they’re raising their minimum wage up to $11 an hour and giving employees up to $1,000 bonuses because of the new tax rates. Then, they announced they’re closing 63 Sam’s Club stores across the country.  ***In other words – congratulations, we’re giving you a raise – but we have to fire someone to do so!  Enjoy your bonus!

Harvey Weinstein and his estranged wife Georgina Chapman have reached a divorce settlement.  ***That woman deserves whatever she can get – and then double it.  The only money Harvey should be allowed to keep is what he earns by cleaning fast-food bathrooms with his tongue.  Is that too harsh?

For the record, Oprah was already a president. Back in high school – of Drama Club and the National Forensics League. ***Oh – well in that case she’s TOTALLY qualified!!

Britain’s Princess Charlotte started nursery school this week.  ***Like she won’t instantly become the teachers’ pet.

There’s a website called Fact Base that did an analysis of the first 30,000 words spoken in office by every U.S. president since Herbert Hoover. So they loaded all the speeches into a computer, and what their software found is that President Trump speaks at a fourth-grade level, lower than any president they’ve ever measured.  ***But he is the bestest, most articulated, stable genius fourth-grader in American history.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Blame it on your mother. And father. And for that matter, your grandparents. If you hate to exercise, it could be in your genes. Specifically, genes that modulate the dopamine (a feel-good chemical) in the brain appear to play a role in our propensity to embrace or avoid exercise, according to researchers from the University of Georgia. You just have to look at any group of people to know that some exercise frequently, while others prefer the couch. Now it appears that the part of the brain that drives rewards and the part of the brain that drives the motor system are interacting, causing some of us to want to run a marathon and leading others to binge watch your favorite show on Netflix. Translation: Gym rats get a rush from working out as dopamine levels soar, while couch potatoes appear to have a genetic makeup that interferes with the release of dopamine.

A recent PPP poll looks at conspiracy theories. 51% of Americans believe that there was a conspiracy in the JFK assassination. 15% believe that the government controls out thoughts through TV which is just above the number of people who believe that Bigfoot is real (14%). And my personal favorite: 4% of Americans believe that Lizard People control politics.  ***It’s my favorite because it’s the only statistic that actually reveals the truth about what is reality.

According to a study from the London School of Economics, working people are at their lowest not on Mondays, but on Tuesdays. Explains one professor: “It seems plausible that on Monday the weekend has not quite worn off. By Tuesday they are well into the working week and the following weekend is not yet in sight.”  ***Because Hump Day is blocking our view!

Researchers in Austria say that women sleep better when they sleep alone because men tend to snore and thrash around, while women tend to be light sleepers.  ***Although MY unscientific research shows that women are waaay more guilty when it comes to hogging the covers.  And freezing feet.

If the only thing that gets you out of bed in the morning is that hot cup of coffee awaiting you in the kitchen, you can blame your parents for your caffeine dependency. It appears that coffee addiction is rooted in our genes. That is, how much caffeine you crave — be it more or less — can be found in two specific genes labeled CYP1A2 and AHR. Study co-author Dr. Neil Caporaso explained, “People don’t really suspect it, but genetics plays a big role in a lot of behaviors, such as smoking and alcohol consumption. And now it turns out that it has a part in how much caffeine we drink.”  ***So Mom, YOU need to be paying for my daily Starbucks – because it’s YOUR fault I’m addicted to it!!!

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffelson finally broke down and told the truth about why the island had no food and why trash was piling up everywhere. It wasn’t because others weren’t doing their jobs, but because Marvy had nailed down the calendar clock to always be Saturday…

CLOSE: Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
Burger King says “Have it Your Way” – but that doesn’t necessarily apply in all circumstances.

Kevin and Dana Gillis of Pembroke Pines, Florida were in the drive-through of a local Burger King.  18-year-old clerk Michael Perez allegedly snatched the money from Kevin’s hand and when he tried to hand Michael some extra change in exchange for bills, Michael said he didn’t want the extra change, but the bills instead – and would not accept the change for payment of the meal!  The men exchanged words, which soon turned flame broiled until Michael climbed through his drive-through window to the customers’ car and punched Kevin in the face.  Kevin’s passenger, Dana said when she climbed out of the truck, Michael started after HER until he was tackled by Kevin.  Michael is now on charges of burglary and battery.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN GENEALOGY ONE-LINERS

10. My family coat of arms ties at the back… is that normal?

9. My family tree is a few branches short! All help appreciated.

8. My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!

7. Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!

6. How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE?!

5. I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap… I’m not stuck, I’m ancestrally challenged.

4. I’m searching for myself; Have you seen me?

3. After 30 days unclaimed ancestors will be adopted.

2. Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts, and a few bad apples.

1. A family tree can wither if nobody tends it’s roots.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

With names like “Doorah” and “The Sock-it-to-me Lounge” you know today’s Files of Law & Disorder are going to be worth the wait!

FILE #1: Sharife Doorah led police on a chase after taking about $8,000 from the Sakittome Lounge.  Sharife was a crafty devil, managing to stay one step in front of Johnny Law in the commission of his caper.  Upon arrival, police were told the suspect just went out the backdoor. In fact, he was getting into a vehicle carrying a bag of money with him.  Then, as Police closed in on the car chase, Sharife bailed out of his vehicle and took off on foot.  So the cops called out the dogs, and a police canine unit pursued Sharife.  That’s when the chase took a peculiar turn.  As Sharife was running, the bag somehow got a hole in it. So there was money blowing everywhere in the neighborhood.  And, of course, honest citizens, who would never rob a lounge and who would eventually make up the jury of Sharife’s peers, came sprinting out of their houses trying to pick up money as the cops were trying to secure it.  Doorah faces charges of armed robbery, resisting arrest and carrying a handgun without a license, not to mention an alarming way of not holding on to his money.

FILE #2: It may look easy in the movies, but a bank heist in Australia didn’t go exactly how the crooks intended. Three men wearing dark hooded tops entered the bank, produced a gun, and demanded money. Instead of handing over the loot, the staff calmly left their seats, walked into a secure room made of floor-to-ceiling bullet-proof plexiglass and shut the door behind them. Of course, the half dozen customers left behind probably weren’t thrilled to be stuck with the robbers, but it all ended peacefully as the crooks gave up and left empty-handed.

FILE #3: A man who broke into a sewer pumping station in New Hampshire ended up falling into waist deep wastewater and had to spend 12 hours there before someone heard his cries for help. He broke into the sewer station Saturday night and was stuck there until Sunday. Police say they hosed him down, put a curtain up, and got him cleaned up… that’s before they took him to jail, of course.

STRANGE LAW: In Louisiana it is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

Seems like every time we think we’ve located America’s dumbest criminals, somebody new comes by and lowers the bar.

At the current moment, we give the title to 18-year-old John Douglas Sheetz and 17-year-old Misty Ann Holmes of Callaway, Florida. They actually called the cops to report that someone had stolen their quarter-pound stash of marijuana and added that they needed the stuff back because they had plans to sell it! So deputies arrested and charged the ditzy duo with possession and intent to deliver plus possession of drug paraphernalia.

PHONER PHUN

Today is NEW YEAR’S DAY FOR PROCRASTINATORS. What do you always procrastinate in doing? Taking out the trash? Giving bad news? Turning in your expense reports? Asking that girl to marry you?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: How many sons did Gideon have?

ANSWER: 71 (Judges 8:30 – 9:5)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Walt Disney’s first cartoon character wasn’t a mouse… what animal was it?

ANSWER: The creator of Mickey Mouse’s first cartoon character was Oswald the Rabbit – which apparently didn’t have a lucky foot after all because he didn’t make it to the “Disney Universe” in later years.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Swallowed chewing gum takes seven years to digest and pass through your system. (False, it passes like everything else)

2. 99 degrees is a normal body temperature for a dog? (False, it’s inbetween 101-102 degrees)

3. Angelina Jolie recently offered criticism of main squeeze Brad Pitt’s wardrobe. (True)

4. If a shark stops swimming, it will sink. (True)

5. The cooking term, “Julienne” describes foods that have been cut into thin, matchstick strips. (True)

6. According to math experts, a deck of playing cards must be shuffled at least seven times to adequately randomize the cards. (True)

7. In Maine, a school district caused considerable controversy when it voted to make birth control pills and patches available to middle school students without parental notification. (True)

8. A dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s. (False, no its not)

9. For bald eagle fans, in Minnesota you will find the National Eagle Center, a new, one million dollar facility. (False, $4.5 million)

10. The invention that made Alfred Nobel, benefactor of the Nobel Prizes, so wealthy was chewing gum. (False, it was Dynamite!)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_____ GET BEST ACTOR NOMINATION (TRUMP)

President Trump has been nominated for an Oscar for his performance as President.  In a unusual move, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, has nominated Donald Trump in the Best Actor category.  The academy said that this was an “honorary” nomination in response to a request by the White House.  The White House said that the President is thrilled to be nominated and is confident that he will win.  ”He is always winning – at least according to him – so winning an Oscar should be a snap,”  said the White House Press Secretary.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

One Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation: “My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons: A $1,000 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $500 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $100 sermon that lasts a full hour. “Now, we’ll take the collection and see which one I’ll deliver.”

JOKE #2

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, Mark stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for his son.

He brought my selection – a baseball bat – to the cash register.

“Cash or charge?” the clerk asked.

“Cash,” Mark snapped. Then apologizing for his rudeness, he explained, “I’ve spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau.”

“Shall I giftwrap the bat?” the clerk asked sweetly. “Or are you going back there?”

JOKE #3

When a woman in Sue’s office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. “The first ten years are the hardest.”

“How long have you been married?” Sue asked the woman.

“Ten years,” she replied.

USELESS FACTS

In 1980, Saddam Hussein received a key to the city of Detroit.  *** And now, look at Detroit.  See a correlation there?

When you restrict your diet, you’re less able to resist impulse buys, a study in the Journal of Consumer Research suggests.  ***Don’t I know it! The same day I decided to give up ice cream I accidentally bought Tickle-Me-Elmo… I don’t even have kids.

FEATURED FUNNIES

COMPUTER HELP
Last week Joe and Susan purchased a new computer. They ran into some difficulties while setting it up so they decided to call the customer support phone number found in the manual.
Joe picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and Joe explained the problem to him. He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused them even more.
“Sir,” Joe said politely, “Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?”

“Okay,” the computer support guy said, “Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

FOOD FIGHT

Fifteen high school kids are getting quite possibly the uncoolest form of punishment a teenager can get — they have to hang out with their parents.

Officials at Paul V Moore High School in New York, have punished 15 kids for continuous food fights in the cafeteria. Instead of giving them a week’s suspension, the student’s parents have agreed to come in and eat lunch with them. The education authority is also hiring four lunch monitors to help stop the food throwing.  ***MARLAR: Food fights wouldn’t be so popular if the school cafeteria food was edible.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

EIGHT COWS

Perhaps you’ve heard the story of Johnny Lingo, a man who lived in the South Pacific. The islanders all spoke highly of him. He was strong, good-looking, and very intelligent. But when it came time for him to find a wife, people shook their heads in disbelief.  The woman Johnny chose was plain, skinny, and walked with her shoulders hunched and her head down. She was very hesitant and shy. She was also a bit older than the other married women in the village, which did nothing for her value.

But this man loved her. What surprised everyone most was Johnny’s offer. In order to obtain a wife, you paid for her by giving her father cows. Four to six cows was considered a high price. The other villagers thought he might pay two or even three cows at the most. But he gave eight cows for her!!

Everyone chuckled about it, since they believed his father-in-law put one over on him. Some thought it was a mistake.

Several months after the wedding, a visitor from the United States came to the Islands to trade and heard the story of Johnny Lingo and his eight-cow wife. Upon meeting Johnny and his wife the visitor was totally taken aback, since this wasn’t a shy, plain, and hesitant woman, but one who was beautiful, poised, and confident.

The visitor asked about this transformation, and Johnny Lingo’s response was very simple. “I wanted an eight-cow woman, and when I paid that for her and treated her in that fashion, she began to believe that she was an eight-cow woman. She discovered she was worth more than any other woman in the islands. “And what matters most is what a woman thinks of herself.”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

GOD LOOKS FOR CLAY

“O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter?” says the Lord. “Look, as the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are you in My hand, O house of Israel!” –Jeremiah 18:6

God knows how to bring salvation to your family, your friends, your community, and your world. Accordingly, He looks for those who will allow Him to shape them into the instruments He requires to do His divine work. Clay has no plans of its own, no aspirations for service, nor reluctance to perform its given task. It is just clay. Moldable, pliable, totally submissive to the will of its master. At times we excitedly announce to God: “I’ve discovered my strengths and gifts, and now I know how I can best serve You!” At other times we inform Him, “I am aware of what my weaknesses are, so I know which tasks I’m not capable of doing for You.” Yet this is not characteristic of clay. God is not limited to working with our strengths (2 Cor. 12:9-10). He can mold us into whatever kind of instrument He requires. When God’s assignment demands humility, he finds a servant willing to be humbled. When His work requires zeal, He looks for someone He can fill with His Spirit. God uses holy vessels so He finds those who will allow Him to remove their impurities. It is not a noble task, being clay. There is no glamour to it, nothing boastworthy, except that it is exactly what almighty God is looking for. Compliant, moldable, yielded clay. If your tendency is to tell the Father what you can and cannot do for Him, submit to His agenda and allow Him to shape you into the person He wants you to be. Like clay.

LEFTOVERS

A DOG’S LIFE

Police in Germany were trying to talk a woman out of suicide when they found out that she was a dog lover.

So they rushed to a nearby animal shelter and chose the cutest dog they had. They took it back to the psychiatric clinic where the woman had barricaded herself and, sure enough, she dropped her weapon to pick the dog up. The dog stopped her from committing suicide. So, what kind of a hero’s reward does our super-dog get? The dog was sent back to the animal shelter to await adoption or destruction. ***MARLAR: I quote F. Scott Fitzgerald, “Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy.”

LIFE… LIVE IT

LAZINESS EXTENDS YOUR LIFESPAN

Forget all that “nose to the grindstone” trash that’s been stuffed down your throat ever since you were a kid. A couch-potato lifestyle, free of stress, is definitely the way to go, say medical researchers Peter Axt and Michaela Axt Gadermann. In their book, “The Joy of Laziness: Why Life Is Better Slower, and How to Get There,” the authors prove that goofing off more and exercising less will make you smarter, younger looking, less cranky and more loveable. The German doctors developed a 5-step plan to lazy up and lengthen your life span.

  • Forget long-distance running — marathon athletes often die at an early age from heart attacks. Switch to a brisk but easy stroll several times a week to boost circulation.

  • If you live in a northern climate, think about moving south. Warm weather and sunshine dispel depression and alleviate stress.

  • Sleep in whenever possible. Long hours in bed pump up your immune system so your body can fight viruses and disease.

  • Combat the aging process by slowing down your metabolism with an occasional daily fast. Even digesting food can take a lot out of you.

  • Relax your brain by hanging out for a day doing absolutely nothing more strenuous than channel surfing. Do it as often as you can.

JUST FOR FUN

WOMAN TAKES DEAD DAUGHTER EVERYWHERE!
This story is just too creepy for me to use on the air – so it’s here in the “JUST FOR FUN” section.

Wherever Lori Lemons goes, her dead daughter goes with her. That includes restaurants, to visit family and friends, or to court where her husband faces a murder trial in later in August. Her daughter, NaKita Faith Lemons was 2 1/2 months old when her father, Milton Lee Lemons, allegedly shook her violently while watching her in the couple’s apartment. NaKita died the next day, and Lori Lemons knew right away that she didn’t want to visit a grave. So she had her daughter cremated, and put her ashes in a special urn shaped like a Teddy Bear. Lori said, “I thought it was perfect. Now I have something to be able to hold on to. She can join me in parties. I can dress her up for the holidays. It’s as soft as a baby, almost.” And she added, “My son has taken naps with her, and I dress her up for the holidays like she’s still part of the family — she’s just in a bear form.” And what of her allegedly murdering husband? Lori says, “He’s seen the bear but I’m not sure he realizes his daughter’s ashes are inside it. I honestly don’t know if he understands.” She does plan to divorce him. (Detroit Free Press)

FUN LIST

CHEESY PICK-UP LINES YOU WILL LIKELY NOT FIND VERY EFFECTIVE…

  • Hi, my name’s Right… Mr. Right.

  • Did you hear the latest health report? You need to up your daily intake of vitamin me.

  • I didn’t know that Miss America lived here!

  • I noticed you noticing me, and I’d like to notify you that I noticed you, too.

  • Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

  • Are you Jamaican? ‘Cause ja makin’ me crazy.

  • Could you do me a favor and tell your boyfriend he’s a lucky man?

  • Are you the tiger on the Frosted Flakes box? Because you’re looking “Grrrrreat!”

  • If I had a nickel for every time I saw a woman as beautiful as you, I’d have five cents.

  • Girl, you must have a license to drive me that crazy!

  • Are you from Tennessee? ‘Cause you’re the only ten-I-see.

  • My last name is “Visa,” because I’m everywhere you want to be!

  • Your smile is as sweet as the sunlight.

  • My friend wants to know if you think I’m cute.

  • I’ve seen you at the grocery store, baby; you’re always in the same isles as the sugar, ’cause you’re so sweet.

  • Okay, I’m here, what’s your next wish?

  • You’re so sweet, you give me a toothache.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

DON’T PARK IN THE GOODWILL STORE
In Salem, Oregon, 13-year-old Cody Young learned the hard way — you don’t want to park your bike inside the Goodwill store.

As there was no lock on the bike, before he new what happened, his black BMX was sold for $6.99! Fortunately the buyer later saw a story about the problem in the paper and returned the bike. For his good will, he gets a $100 gift certificate from the Goodwill store. Remember — the policy at Goodwill is if it’s on the floor — sell it. Goodwill spokesman Dale Emanuel said a janitor once left a bucket and mop on a store’s sales floor, and they were sold the next day.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Your willpower is refreshed at the beginning of the work week, say San Diego State University researchers, who tracked social media in six languages to reach their conclusions. This makes Monday a great time to cut back on sugar or start a new exercise or weight loss plan. (Good Housekeeping)

All parents want their children to be smart, and it appears there is at least one way you can help make that happen: Read to them. A lot. Preschool-age children who regularly hear stories read to them have far better language skills than kids who don’t hear stories. Specifically, they show more activity in areas of the brain that are linked to word meanings and imagination, HealthDay News reports of research from the Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center in Ohio. “It’s often said that reading builds brains,” study leader Dr. John Hutton told HealthDay News. “That seems obvious, but you want to show that it’s actually true.” A study found that the children who had the most story time at home also had more brain activity while they were listening to stories in the research lab. The difference was especially noticeable in the area of the brain that is involved in semantic processing, that is the ability to extract meaning from words. The brains of the kids who were read to the most, showed “particularly robust” activity where mental images are formed from what is heard, according to the researchers. So what? “When children listen to stories, they have to put it all together in their mind’s eye,” Hutton explained, adding that it sparks their imaginations in a way that is far different than watching a story on TV or a computer screen. Even more important, story time is also cuddle time.

Keri Glassman, R.D., founder of NutritiousLife.com and author of “The New You (and Improved) Diet: How do I break the habit of dinner in front of the TV?” says we all curl up with a great show and takeout once in a while. But research has shown that people who eat while distracted only consume more but also lack awareness of how much they’ve eaten. So whether you live alone or with others, start by planning one night per week for a sit-down dinner, and then build toward making it at least three times a week. At those meals, put food on a plate even if it’s delivery, you’ll enjoy it more and focus on learning about each other’s day, or just relish a few moment of quiet on your own. The more you practice, the more you’ll realize how much more you can appreciate every bite and flavor of food and be able to better interpret your hunger cues. In other words, you’ll be eating more mindfully. You may even stop eating sooner than usual and have leftovers for lunch the next day. (Women’s Health)

Having trouble remembering names? Try to focus as soon as you shake hands with someone new. “Attention at the time of learning is the most critical thing,” says Larry Squire, Ph.D., a neuro-psychologist at UC San Diego and co-author of “Memory: From Mind to Molecules.” “Second is rehearsal, third is relating the name to something.” So repeat the name (“Nice to meet you, Frank”), and then create a mental image linking it to an object (e.g. Frank eating a frank).  ***It’s even more fun if the guy’s name is Harry.

When you gotta go, you gotta go — even if the public restroom is filthy. When it comes to restrooms, the number one sign it’s dirty is a sticky floor, according to a poll conducted by Cintas Corporation and Harris Interactive in which 3,130 U.S. adults nationwide were asked what contributes to their perception of a dirty restroom.

Top indicators of a filthy public restroom are:

  1. Dirty or sticky floors: 93 percent

  2. Un-flushed toilets: 90 percent

  3. Odor: 89 percent

  4. Overflowing trash cans: 88 percent

  5. Paper towels or toilet paper on the floor: 80 percent

  6. Lack of toilet paper: 67 percent

  7. Empty soap dispensers: 55 percent

  8. Water around the sink area: 42 percent

  9. Old or outdated soap dispensers: 29 percent

Other factors cited included broken doors or toilet seats, dim lighting, graffiti, dirty fixtures, soiled toilet seats and water or urine on the floors as contributors to a dirty restroom. Not surprisingly, women were more sensitive to restroom issues than men, with 96 percent of women citing dirty floors as a contributor to a dirty restroom compared to 90 percent of men. Older people were also more likely to cite issues in the restroom compared to younger people surveyed. For example, 94 percent of adults aged 55 and older indicated that odor contributed to their perception of a dirty restroom, compared to 83 percent of adults aged 18 to 34.

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A man in Kentucky got some much-needed help from a generous Chick-fil-A patron early this week. The needy gentleman had walked into the Chick-fil-A in Bowling Green in a pair of beat-up shoes which were being held together with duct tape, according to witnesses. Noticing this — and seeing that the man was about to go back out into the cold — an anonymous customer stopped the man in his tracks and offered up his own footwear.
https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/good-news/chick-fil-a-hero-gives-needy-man-the-shoes-off-his-own-feet/ar-BBGJm3f

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Three Cherry Creek school leaders – a principal, assistant principal and former counselor – were indicted on a charge that they failed to properly report claims of sexual assault by a teacher on a 14-year-old student and, in fact, suspended the student. Back in 2013, the student, identified as “child victim” or “CV,” reported the abuse and then was told by Prairie Middle School assistant principal AJ MacIntosh and principal David Gonzales that her the accusations would be devastating to Vasquez’s career. MacIntosh also allegedly pressured her “to recant her disclosure of sexual abuse by Vasquez.” It also says school personnel notified Vasquez of the allegations who later met with the victim to “impress upon her the devastating effects her disclosure would have on his career and family.” Cherry Creek School Superintendent Harry Bull said he was aware of the indictments but has not read them. “We will continue to cooperate fully with law enforcement and the district attorney’s office,” Smith said. Also named in the indictment is Cheryl Somers-Wegienka, a former Prairie Middle School counselor, who is accused in the student’s suspension. (Denver Post)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

They say bad news comes in threes, so here it is: Yesterday’s show was a complete disaster… I totally botched up today’s program… and I’m coming back tomorrow.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JANUARY 12, 2018…

The Commuter—Liam Neeson begins the year with an action thriller that gives one pause for thought about the hazards of riding a train. Derailments, come to mind, but criminal activity? How does one become accidentally involved? Wait and see. Also in the cast are Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson. “The Commuter” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for Liam Neeson fans.

Paddington Bear 2—A week without a horror film opening and here comes London’s favorite bear (mine, too) as little Paddington goes into action when he wants to buy a special birthday present for Aunt Lucy who will be 100 years old. Paddington does odd jobs, but becomes involved with something different. Hmm, this begins to sound like Liam Neeson in “The Commuter.” Back to Paddington, who is voiced by Ben Winshaw. Also in the cast are Hugh Grant and Hugh Bonneville (“Downton Abbey.”) “Paddington Bear 2” is rated G. Rating of 3 for little bear fans.

Proud Mary—No, this movie is not a musical, it stars Taraji P. Henson as a hit woman for the Boston mob. Ms. Henson finds herself with problems when suddenly there appears a boy while she is at “work.”  Hmm. The cast includes Neal McDonough, Danny Glover and Jahi DiAllo Winston. “Proud Mary” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Post—This is a Steven Spielberg film and it shows from beginning to end. The sets, actors, music—all combine to make an interesting—but slow-paced—film about the famed newspaper, “The Washington Post.”  There is always a battle between the Post and the “Times”, neck and neck for the scoop and wondering what is legal to print and what isn’t. This is where high-priced lawyers come in. The film centers on leaked government papers during the Nixon Administration that came to be called The Pentagon Papers. What to do with such high profile—and secret information? Put it to bed, or run with it? Meryl Streep is publisher Katharine Graham, who, as a woman operating the family newspaper, runs into opposition about her judgement and skills as a manager. Tom Hanks plays Ben Bradlee, her editor, and they go back and forth about the information. We all know what happened, and the getting-there could be interesting, but we are treated to parties (Katharine’s place for information) and backroom meetings (Ben’s place of information.) Cue the music, as John Williams is at the helm there and you know beforehand what is going to happen because of the sound level. Also in the cast are Sarah Paulson, Bob Odenkirk, Tracy Letts, Bradley Whitford and Matthew Rhys. “The Post” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 and good cast but methodical, almost documentary production..

JANUARY 19, 2018…

12 Strong is an action thriller of military forces in the Middle East. Stars Chris Hemsworth.

Den of Thieves
 has Gerard Butler after a gang of bank robbers.

Forever My Girl is a romance about a country western singer coming home. Stars Alex Roe.

Maze Runner: Death Cure
 is a continuation of the series this time trying to find a cure for a deadly disease. Stars Thomas Brodie-Sanster.

# # # # #

Best and Worst Films of 2017 compiled by Marie Asner
Arranged in Alphabetical Order

Ten Best Films of 2017—
Blade Runner
Darkest Hour
Dunkirk
Hostiles
Maudie
Phantom Thread
The Shape of Water
Three Billboards in Ebbing, Missouri
Wind River
Wonder Woman

Extra:
I. Tonya
Jane (documentary)
Lady Macbeth
The Man Who Invented Christmas

Ten Worst Films of 2017—
Group One: Basic Plot Horror Film
Book of Henry
Jigsaw
The Bad Batch

Group Two: Science Fiction/Fantasy
Alien Covenant
Flatliners
Geostorm
Get Out
Guardians Of The Galaxy: Part Two
King Arthur
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Group Three: The Rest
Baywatch
mother!
Pitch Perfect 3
The Disaster Artist
The Florida Project
The Snowman
Trip to Spain
Woodshock

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.