January 16, 2017: Monday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170116

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

This just in. The Environmental Protection Agency early today declared (THE JOCK SHOW) to be hazardous waste. Finally, confirmation that someone is listening to the show!

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Greater is he that is within you than he that is in the world.” –1 John 4:4

If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.” — 1 John 4:20-21

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. — 2 Corinthians 4:16

Thought: While we joke about growing older, the challenges of aging are tough. We realize our mortality. Our bodies can betray us. We can’t do what we once could do. As Christians, we know that our aging actually brings us closer to home and to the time when Jesus gives us immortal bodies not subject to decay. God can help us use these physical realities to be heavenly reminders of what is important. With the help of his Spirit, we can be transformed to be more like our Savior and to be more ready for our heavenly home!

Prayer: Almighty God, I confess that I like getting older less and less, the older I get. I am thankful, however, that each day older I get, the closer I am to coming home to you. Please help me not to become cynical, negative, or bitter as I grow older. Instead, please renew me and use me to bless others who need to find their way home to you. In Jesus’ mighty name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse corresponds to the mo

Romans 1:16 NIV = I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes…

TODAY IS MONDAY – JANUARY 16, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
343 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is CIVIL SERVICE DAY. On this date in 1883, the Pendleton Act created the federal civil service system and the U.S. Civil Service Commission.  ***I’ve dealt with some of the people working in Civil Service. They’re not always that civil.

Today is NATIONAL FIG NEWTON DAY(audio clip)

Today is INTERNATIONAL HOT & SPICY FOOD DAY. *** ounds like someone has tried my wife’s Jell-O.

Today is NATIONAL NOTHING DAY, a day to not celebrate anything.  ***Meaning everything I just said about Civil Service, Fig Newtons, and Spicy Foods is complete balderdash.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Appreciate A Dragon Day
Civil Service Day
Fig Newton Day Link  Link
Martin Luther King Day
National Crowd Feed Day
National Day of Service Link
Nothing Day
Religious Freedom Day Link
Without A Scalpel Day Link  Link

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

TUESDAY, JANUARY 17

Cable Car Day
Hot Heads Chili Days
International Mentoring Day  Link
Judgment Day
Kid Inventors’ Day
National Bootleggers Day Link
Popeye Day
Rid The World of Fad Diets and Gimmicks Day

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 18

Pooh (Winnie The) Day
Thesaurus Day Link

THURSDAY, JANUARY 19

Popcorn Day Link  (Alternate date: Super Bowl Sunday)
Robert E. Lee Day   Link
Thank Your Mentor Day  Link
Tin Can Day
World Day of Migrants and Refugees Link

FRIDAY, JANUARY 20

Camcorder Day
Data Innovation Day Link
International Fetish Day
National Cheese Lovers Day Link  Link
Penguin Awareness Day Link
Inauguration Day
National Disc Jockey Day Link  or (Link – go to 1958)
Women’s Healthy Weight Day Link

SATURDAY, JANUARY 21

National Hugging Day
Squirrel Appreciation Day

SUNDAY, JANUARY 22

Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day
Celebration of Life Day
National Bible Sunday Link  (4th Sunday)
Roe vs. Wade Day

MONDAY, JANUARY 23

National Handwriting Day Link
Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day

ON THIS DAY

1920: The U.S. outlawed alcohol and went “dry,” a year after states ratified the 18th Amendment. Fourteen years of “prohibition” followed.

1939: The comic strip Superman made its debut.

1957: The Cavern Club opened in Liverpool. Originally a jazz club, it became famous as the first home of the Beatles.

1978: Mrs. Grace Patterson died in Joplin, Missouri, leaving her $250,000 estate, including a 3-bedroom home and a 7-acre pet cemetery, to her cat, Charlie Chan.

1973: History’s fattest lion died at age 14 at the North Yorkshire zoo in England. When he was 11 Simba had weighed 826 pounds.

1973: “Bonanza,” a top western TV show, aired its final episode after 14 seasons on NBC. It starred Lorne Greene, Michael Landon, Dan Blocker, Pernell Roberts, and Victor Sen Yung. (audio clip)

1976: The TV variety series “Donny & Marie” premiered on ABC. (audio clip)

1987: Red M&Ms returned for the first time in 11 years after being banned because the original red dye used in the candy had caused cancer in laboratory rats.

1994: History’s largest teddy bear picnic drew 16,837 teddy bears and their owners in Christchurch, New Zealand.

1990: Massachusetts farmer Frank Montague reported that a moose had fallen in love with his cows, and that there really wasn’t much anybody could do about it.

1991: Boxer George Foreman’s wife Joan gave birth to yet another George, George the 5th. The couple already had three sons: George the 2nd, George the 3nd, and George the 4th. Dad is George the 1st.

1992: The Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame inducted Jimi Hendrix, Elmore James, and Johnny Cash.

1994: Rock star Bryan Adams became the first Western entertainer to perform in Vietnam since the end of the war.

1996: Jamaican authorities fired upon on Jimmy Buffett’s seaplane, mistaking it for a drug trafficker’s plane. U2 singer Bono was with Buffett, but neither was hurt.

2000: Disney animator Marc David died at age 86 after suffering a stroke. He created Cinderella, Bambi, Tinkebell, Sleeping Beauty, and Cruella de Ville.

2000: British drug maker Glaxo Wellcome agreed to buy SmithKline Beecham for $76 billion, creating the world’s largest pharmaceutical company.

2000: A Foster, Rhode Island, man was charged with drunken driving after he stopped suddenly and a truck rear-ended his van. Police said he man was taking his daughter to her driver’s education class.

2005: Golden Globes were awarded to “The Aviator” as best drama and “Sideways” as best musical or comedy.

2007: A Vietnamese farmer said his pigs preferred classical music. Nguyen Chi Cong of Ho Chi Minh City said he began playing music four each morning and two hours each afternoon in his barnyard in 2001, that Beethoven, Mozart, and Shubert had a soothing effect on the pigs, they started eating more and gaining weight faster than usual. He also felt other domestic animal might respond the same way.

2007: In Tallahassee, Florida, the duck a hunter’s wife said, when she opened her refrigerator, the duck her husband killed two days earlier raised its head and looked at her. The woman said she freaked out and told her daughter to “get that duck to the hospital right now!” At last report the duck, shot in the wing and leg, was doing well at the Goose Creek Wildlife Sanctuary.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1543: British Parliament prohibits any “women or artificer’s prentices, journeymen, servingmen of the degree of yeoman, or under, husbandmen or labourers to read the New Testament in English.”

1545: George Spalatin, Martin Luther’s close friend and go-between with Frederick The Wise, is born.

1604: Puritan John Rainolds suggests ” . . . that there might be a new translation of the Bible, as consonant as can be to the original Hebrew and Greek.” England’s King James I granted his approval the following day, leading to the 1611 publication of the Authorized (King James) version of the Bible.

1786: The Virginia Legislature adopted the Ordinance of Religious Freedom, which guaranteed that no man would be forced to attend or support any church. This mandate later became the model for the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

1890: Moody Bible Institute in Chicago is dedicated, 17 years after evangelist D.L. Moody and college administrator Emma Dryer first discussed the idea.

1920: Largely the result of Christian activists, the Eighteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution goes into effect, prohibiting the sale of alcohol. Thirteen years later, Congress repeals the prohibition.

1982: Great Britain established full diplomatic relations with the Vatican.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (“ER) Yvonne Zima 28 (audio clip)

  • actor (Dennis Mitchell in the 1993 movie Dennis the Menace) Mason Gamble 31

    actress (“Charles in Charge”) Josie Davis 44 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1909 : Ethel Merman

1929 : G.T. Hogan

1937 : Bob Bogle (The Ventures)

1939 : Ray Phillips (Nashville Teens)

1942 : Bill Francis (Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show)

1942 : Barbara Lynn

1944 : Ronnie Milsap

1944 : Jim Stafford

1948 : John Carpenter

1950 : Damo Suzuki

1959 : Sade

1962 : Paul Webb (Talk Talk)

1966 : Maxine Jones (En Vogue)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Who was more popular, the Beatles, or Elvis?

Early in their fame, the Beatles’s John Lennon compared their influence and popularity to that of Jesus Christ. That was unwise, overreaching, and inappropriate, to say the least. But if a comparison to the Prince of Peace was off the mark, measuring the Beatles’ success against that of a King among men would be more to the point. So how did the Fab Four stack up against Elvis? Since the decibel meter has probably not yet been built that could tell us which induced a greater level of screaming at their concerts, we will have to rely on the relative popularity of their recordings. Who had the most consecutive top ten hits? There Elvis wins, hips down. He had 29 to the Beatles 22. But the Beatles went out on top, while Elvis was in decline before he popped one pill too many. Perhaps had they stayed together, the Beatles would have won out. Who knows? Maybe we should just let it be.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Third Day’s Mac Powell says the best home school classroom isn’t found in the home. He posted a picture as his daughter worked on her homework and said the best classroom is actually at the Wafflehouse.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BPJoFtLjpCr/

 

Micah Tyler may need some re-eduction on date nights. He recently posted a picture of he and his wife on a date night at the theater. However, he added that the kids had come along. Micah’s plan: we’ll just ignore them.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BOviPZfhBlp/?taken-by=micahtylermusic

 

Question for the day from Revive Our Hearts: Looking back at your life, what would you do differently?

 

 Brandon Heath was sporting a large bandage on his thumb this week. He says he sliced his finger on a meat slicer
https://www.instagram.com/p/BPJcDg-h3fm/

 

Matthew West posted this week: Excited to launch a new series of Day One devotionals called “Mended.” Sign up at the link in my bio to receive weekly devotions right to your email.
https://matthewwest.co/MendedDevo

 

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett is struggling with her weight loss efforts after losing 100 pounds in 2016. She posted: Fell off the eating healthy train over the holidays. Trying to get back on. Currently pacing through my kitchen mumbling “make good choices”.

Joel from for King and Country is asking for your help in raising awareness about human trafficking. He posted a challenge this week: Take 30 seconds a day for 30 days to do simple acts of kindness showing love, honor and respect for another person and share your stories to help raise awareness of Human Trafficking. As an extra encouragement, the band is giving away a flyaway trip with 2 VIP Passes + Hotel to an upcoming concert. You are entered each time you share your priceless story.
https://app.maximuslife.com/KingandCountry/index.html

 

Aaron Shust already knows the winner of this years Super Bowl. His sons played a three hour paper football tournament over their winter break, culminating with the Double Length Super Bowl game. According to the Shust family results, the Packers will destroy the Patriots 42-0 this year. However, Aaron was quick to add: In reality we know the Steelers will take it all. 
https://www.instagram.com/p/BPIoC0BBUZh/

 

Hawk Nelson front man Jon Stiengard may be reconsidering his decision to keep his motorcycle with a baby on the way. He posted a picture of his brother in the ER with a badly scratched temple and forehead and added: For sale: 2012 triumph bonneville – with some “personality.”
https://twitter.com/jonsteingard/status/819282009990184961/photo/1

 

We are messengers needs your help. In the fall the members of the band announced plans to purchase a bus so the family of front man Darren Mulligan could travel with him as they travers the country playing nearly 200 shows a year. The Go Fund Me campaign jumped out to a quick start, raising more than half of the money needed in just a couple of months. However, the donations have slowed with the band still more than $8,000 short of their $20,000 goal. 
https://www.gofundme.com/2t6fyw4

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

One of President-elect Trump’s advisors will reportedly be Ike Perlmutter, the CEO of Marvel Comics.  ***Which is great, because now we’re just one call away from getting Tony Stark as our Secretary of Defense.

This Valentine’s Day score extra points and bonus antioxidants: Pairing strawberries with chocolate boosts the nutritional value of both. In a Brigham Young University study berries dunked in dark chocolate boasted an antioxidant content that exceeded the sum of antioxidants from the individual ingredients. The researchers say certain antioxidants react synergistically with each other, creating additional disease fighting power. But be sure to seek out high-cacao chocolate: strawberries dipped in 54 percent cacao dark chocolate failed to produce the effect. (Men’s Health) ***This study bought and paid for by Sherrie’s Berries!

Lola Kirke says she has been getting death threats over not shaving her armpits for the Golden Globes. ***Death threats?  Really?!?!  If you’re that offended by a woman with armpit hair, you have bigger problems than a woman with armpit hair.

Rumors are circulating that Hillary Clinton could run for mayor of New York City later this year.  ***As corrupt as she is, wouldn’t she feel more comfortable as mayor in Chicago?

Good news: Marie Osmond says she’d be willing to perform at Donald Trump’s inauguration this coming Friday.  Bad news: The inauguration still has no A-list celebrities willing to perform.

In a new report scientists say that activating a certain two sets of neurons in the brains of mice they were able to transform the docile creatures into savage predators. ***They say it’s the same neurons that are switched on by Trump protestors.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Environmentalists say that raking leaves is not good for the ecosystem in your backyard and say that yard debris constitutes 13 percent of all the solid waste in the United States every year. The National Wildlife Federation says you should leave dead leaves where they fall, since they become a natural fertilizer for your soil. In addition, chipmunks, salamanders, earthworms, turtles and other small creatures live in the leaves or use them for food and nesting material.  ***And I am immediately printing out this story and saving it for the next time my wife gives me yard work to do.  “Sorry honey, but it’s bad for the environment!   I’m heading to Arby’s, you want something?”

A New York Times story finds that the US is by far the world’s most expensive place to give birth. ***According to the article, the US is also by far the place where you find obstetricians with the biggest boats.

A study in Britain says that money CAN buy happiness, but only if you have more than your friends and neighbors. ***Because, let’s face it, after looking at the way they dress, they obviously don’t know where to shop.

When it comes to making healthy food and beverage choices, a new study shows that people are better off knowing both the number of calories they’re consuming and the amount of exercise it would take to burn them off. In the study when a sign next to a soda read “250 calories, or five miles of walking,” consumers were more likely to leave the soft drink on the shelf than if only the calories were posted.  ***What they need to do is start selling cans full of “Five Miles of Walking” – I’d shell out the bucks for that.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Nozzles the Elephant had a journal and was writing down everything bad anyone had ever done to him. Then Sully the Aardvark came over and began doing the same thing, and then came Racquet the Skunk and Gruffy Bear! Now everyone is writing down bad things about everyone else!

CLOSE: For a second there I thought someone finally made the right decision by throwing that book out the window! How can all these friends say such nasty things about each other… all because of this dumb little blank book! Of course, now they’ll probably write something in it about me saying they’re all dumb – and that it’s a dumb little blank book. Boy, I hope that pizza arrives soon – maybe that’ll take all of our minds off of this! We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

The people in Nice, France must really BE nice – they once allowed people to buy things with Monopoly money!

The people in Nice, France are either really nice, or extremely naive. In 2002 the Euro entered Europe. When it first happened some people were a bit confused about it. On the first day the new money was legal tender a man purchased a number of drinks by giving the owner of the establishment what he told him was one of the new Euro bills. The owner accepted the bill and brought the man his drinks. It was only after he had left that someone noticed he had paid not with a new Euro bill but with a bill from the European version of the Monopoly board game.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN COMMENTS OVERHEARD AT YOUR LAST POTLUCK

10. Oh, what an interesting texture!

9. I didn’t know there were that many shades of green!

8. Oh, Fred, don’t get worked up, she told you it was a new Band-Aid! Besides, you love potato salad!

7. Trudy, your egg salad bust of the preacher is very, um, uh, er…creative!

6. Jim, saying in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, doesn’t excuse your double dipping!

5. You say missionaries gave you this recipe?!

4. What do you mean the dog wouldn’t eat it?!

3. I didn’t think you could deep fry that!

2. If Jell-O and vegetables were meant to exist together, Bill Cosby would have been a vegetarian!

1. Was that SUPPOSED to be crunchy?

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

If you believe that crime pays, it might also be a good idea to pay attention.

FILE #1: After a customer accidentally left behind a credit card, two Cincinnati convenience store clerks decided to treat themselves to a shopping spree. Without ever leaving their own store, Stephanie Moore and Maria Smith rang up some $1,900 on such big ticket items as cartons of cigarettes, motor oil, toilet paper, cases of soda and lottery tickets. Despite the fact that they worked at the store, they somehow failed to realize that store surveillance cameras were watching as they used the card and their friends went in and out of the store carrying bags filled with the stolen goods. All are now facing charges.

FILE #2: What kind of neighbors do you have? Folks in Houston, Texas were so fed up with one of their neighbors that they took action! Fed up with 28 year old Richard Milva’s parties late at night, friends coming and going all hours of the night, and his persistence in being a pain that they bulldozed his house to the ground while he was out of town. Police still have no idea which of the neighbors did the dirty work, and apparently, all of the neighbors seem to be happy that it was done. The investigation continues.

FILE #3: An Irish woman was so fed up with her husband’s snoring that she took extreme action this week and shot him! Sylvia O’Doyle of Belfast, Ireland finally “cracked” after listening to her husband snore for the past 10 years. She says their bed shook, their windows rattled, and “Patrick” sounded like a freight train rumbling through the bedroom every night for 10 years! Everything they tried came up short so she took out her gun one morning around 3am and shot him. Good news – he’s be okay, she’s in jail  Better news – she won’t hear him snoring anymore.

STRANGE LAW: In Oklahoma people who make “ugly faces” at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Can you buy a car… with crack?

Authorities arrested a man they said tried to trade his father’s car for $50 worth of crack cocaine. Deputies arrested the 39-year-old man after his 74-year-old father reported that his Lincoln had been stolen. When deputies arrived at the father’s home, they saw the son walking up the street. They determined that the car had been sold for drugs.  Deputies later saw someone else driving the Lincoln, and pulled it over. The driver fled the moving car, which hit two parked cars.  Deputies caught the driver, who was arrested on suspicion of evading an officer and resisting arrest. The son was arrested on suspicion of car theft.

PHONER PHUN

What’s your nickname – and how did you get it? Anyone ever get a truly embarrassing name that’s impossible to shake?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who suggested that it is not wise to spend too much time at your neighbor’s house?

ANSWER: Solomon (Proverbs 25:17 = Withdraw thy foot from thy neighbour’s house; lest he be weary of thee, and so hate thee.)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

(This one might work better if you post the question to your website for people to see and ponder over – then at the end of your show give the answer live on the air and post it to your website next to the question – or at the bottom of the webpage.)

QUESTION: A man gave his young son the following challenge. He offered his son $1000 if the son could accomplish the following task. The father gave his son ten envelopes and a thousand dollars, all in one dollar bills. He told his son, “Place the money in the envelopes in such a manner that no matter what number of dollars I ask for, you can give me one or more of the envelopes, containing the exact amount I asked for without having to open any of the envelopes. If you can do this, you will keep the $1000.” When the father asked for a sum of money, the son was able to give him envelopes containing the exact amount of money asked for. How did the son distribute the money among the ten envelopes? It IS possible, and it’s NOT a trick!

ANSWER: The contents or the ten envelopes (in dollar bills) should be as follows: $1, $2, $4, $8, $16, $32, $64, $128, $256, $489.

QUESTION: In 1979 a Baden, Pennsylvania banker was sentenced to three years in prison for misappropriating bank funds and for doing this to his delinquent customers.  What was he doing to them?

ANSWER: He was spanking delinquent customers.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The waterbed was invented by the ancient Chinese. (False, it was invented in 1832 by Scottish surgeon Neil Arnott as a way of improving patients’ comfort.)

2. Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone to help his wife. (True. His wife was deaf, so was his mother. He was originally an instructor for deaf children)

3. Clara Peller made the catch-phrase “Gag Me With a Spoon” popular in the 1980s. (False, Clara Peller appeared in commercials for Wendy’s and made the phrase “Where’s the beef?” popular.)

4. The loose skin hanging from the neck of a chicken is known as a “Wattle”. (True. That’s wattle with two “T”s. Waddle with two “D”s is the way a duck walks!)

5. Over half the cost of every bottle of beer sold in America goes to state and federal taxes. (False. But it’s still high at 43%)

6. It takes a lobster seven years to grow to be one pound! (True. No wonder they’re so expensive!)

7. Most people in China don’t eat cheese. (True. It’s just not a big thing over there)

8. In the classic arcade video game Donkey Kong, logs floating in a river sometimes mysteriously turned into hungry alligators. (False, that’s a description of Frogger)

9. The English founded Plymouth, Massachusetts first. (False, they first founded Jamestown, Virginia)

10. Bruce Lee got mad and left Hollywood for Hong Kong after he didn’t get the lead part in the “Kung Fu” TV show. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

VP JOE BIDEN FALLS FOR _________ SCAM (NIGERIAN MONEY)

WASHINGTON, DC   —  The Vice President is out $800,000 after he fell for a well-known Internet scam.

Vice President Joe Biden reportedly said that he simply became curious when he received an e-mail promising him $20.5 million if he would only help out a long-lost relative identified as J.B. Biden with a little money up front.

Biden’s intern told WWN about the scammers’ ability to identify his relative by initials and that was what convinced the Vice President it was legitimate.

“That’s what him hooked,” She said.  ”He wanted to help out a relative he  had never met, who wouldn’t do that?”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, “I don’t get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.”
One hunter groaned, “Well, it worked. They’re all safe.”

JOKE #2

This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn’t crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.

So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn’t subject himself to an hour’s wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.


He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, “Well, I made that one, didn’t I?”

“Sure did,” the bystander said. “But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock.”

JOKE #3

Over the years, Mary and her husband had usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurant restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often they would get stumped.

Recently Mary’s husband wandered off in search of the men’s room and found himself confronted by two marked doors.  One was labeled “Bronco,” and the other was designated “Cactus.”

Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. “Excuse me. I need to use the restroom,” he said.  Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, “Which one should I use?”

“Actually, we would prefer you to go there,” the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked MEN. “Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms.”

USELESS FACTS

A sheep, a duck, and a rooster were the first passengers in a hot air balloon.  ***You’d think they’d give the one animal without wings a parachute – but naaaaaa… 

In 1968, Steve McPeak traveled from Chicago to Los Angeles on a unicycle. The trip took him six weeks.  ***But he did get great gas mileage. 

FEATURED FUNNIES

IDIOTS AND GEOGRAPHY

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, “Really? Where is Monosyllabia?” Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, “Oh, you mean over by Croatia?”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

How can a zoo keep a giraffe from having baby giraffes? 

Shavit, the giraffe, is on the pill. Zoo keepers in Jerusalem are putting their frisky female on birth control. Shavit has had two babies in four years. While the little giraffes are cute, officials of the Biblical Zoo say they don’t have room for any more. The vets have a unique way to deliver the birth control hormones. They’re using a dart to inject the drug.  ***MARLAR: Far be it from me to tell the zoo how to take care of its animals, but it seems to me that the whole reason for this – overcrowding in the zoo – could be taken care of in a less violent way.  How about getting rid of the male giraffe?  That way you have one less animal in an already overcrowded zoo, and the female doesn’t have any more baby giraffes!  Wouldn’t that be more pleasant than being shot at with sharp metal objects every month?

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THINK, BELIEVE, DREAM AND DARE

An eight-year-old boy approached an old man in front of a wishing well, looked up into his eyes, and asked: “I understand you’re a very wise man. I’d like to know the secret of life.”

The old man looked down at the youngster and replied: “I’ve thought a lot in my lifetime, and the secret can be summed up in four words.

The first is think. Think about the values you wish to live your life by.

The second is believe. Believe in yourself based on the thinking you’ve done about the values you’re going to live your life by.

The third is dream. Dream about the things that can be, based on your belief in yourself and the values you’re going to live by.

The last is dare. Dare to make your dreams become reality, based on your belief in yourself and your values.”

And with that, Walter E. Disney said to the little boy, “Think, Believe, Dream, and Dare.”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

EXCEEDINGLY ABUNDANTLY

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us. –Ephesians 3:20

 At times we feel as if we could impress God with all we are trying to do for Him and His church. Yet God has yet to be impressed with even the most grandiose human aspirations (Ps. 8:3-4). You will never set a goal so big or attempt a task so significant that God does not have something far greater that He could do in and through your life. Saul of Tarsus worked harder than anyone else to impress God with his efforts, only to discover that his greatest achievements were but rubbish compared to God’s will for his life (Phil. 3:7-8). Our problem is that we become too easily enamored with our own plans. If we are attempting to do noble or difficult things, we assume that we must be experiencing the maximum potential for our lives and that God must, therefore, be pleased with us. Until we have heard from God, we cannot even imagine all that our lives could become or all that God could accomplish through us. We need to remind ourselves that the Father sees the “big picture,” that His power far exceeds our limited imagination. We must set aside our own agenda, however lofty. We must never become satisfied with our own dreams, for they are finite at best. When we follow God’s direction we will witness things happening in our lives that can only be explained by His powerful presence. How could we be satisfied with anything less?

LEFTOVERS

GREEN BEANS MEAN MORE GREENBACKS

Want to make more money? Eat more green beans! A new study out of Washington shows that people who eat green beans at least three times a week earn more money than people who don’t. Researching can’t explain the connection between green beans and earning power, but they say it definitely exists.

LIFE… LIVE IT

MEN ARE HUGGING MORE

Real men hug each other, and they’re doing it more often than ever, say experts on social customs and good manners. “If you are greeting someone in a casual scenario, I don’t think a hug is out of place,” says Jason Tesauro, the author of “The Modern Gentleman.” “Saying goodbye is always safer because you’ve built up a fellowship.” Men often hug at emotional moments during sports events, weddings and funerals, says professor Mark Mormon of Baylor University in Waco, Texas. “But if you are in the office, hugging generally doesn’t work because there isn’t a lot of emotion there,” says Mormon. And most men aren’t comfortable hugging for more than a second or two. If you’re thinking of joining the group hug, consider these options:

  • The quickie — Two men shake hands and then use the free hand to clasp the other’s shoulder or gently pat near the shoulder blade.
  • The shoulder-pad bump — Two men shake hands, then, without letting go, lean into each other and bump chests while their free hands pound each other heartily on the back.
  • The slip and slide — Two men stand side-by-side and briefly drape closer arms over the other’s shoulder or behind the other’s back while they tap each other’s chests with the farther hands.
  • The rapper hit — Two guys meet with a fancy handshake, then step in to briefly bump their inside shoulders.

JUST FOR FUN

CARJACKER WANNABEE

He’s probably the worst carjacker ever born!

David Thompson may stand 6-feet and weigh over 200 pounds but nevertheless he wins the award of worst (and wimpiest) carjacker of all time! First he went after 65-year-old Richard Gambardella’s 1996 Chrysler in a parking lot but the old man successfully fought him off and drove away. So next David went after a hatchback with 7-year-old Peter McKasty and his 9-year-old sister sitting inside but Peter grabbed David’s long mane of hair, yanking it and screaming in his ear until he let the kids go. Police are calling it the case of the persistent carjacker and old Dave’s been charged with a string of felonies and misdemeanors. While Mr. Gambardella could not be reached for comment, little Peter had some choice words for his attacker and said, “I was thinking he was an idiot.” ***MARLAR: Question… sure, we got the highjacker – but where’s the adult that left a 7-year-old and a 9-year-old in the car by themselves?!?!

FUN LIST

TREAT HER RIGHT

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Believe it or not, women keep scores of how their men are treating them. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played. Here’s a guide to the point system:

Simple Duties:

  • You make the bed. (+1)

  • You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows. (0)

  • You throw the bedspread over the rumpled sheets. (-1)

  • You leave the toilet seat up. (-5)

  • You replace the toilet paper roll when it’s empty. (0)

  • When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex. (-1)

  • When the Kleenex runs out, you use the next bathroom. (-2)

  • You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings. (+5)

  • In the snow. (+8)

  • But return with beer. (-5)

  • You check out a suspicious noise at night. (0)

  • You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing. (0)

  • You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something. (+5)

  • You pummel it with a six iron. (+10)

  • It’s the cat. (-10)

Party:

  • You stay by her side the entire party. (0)

  • You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy. (-2)

  • Named Tiffany. (-4)

Her Birthday:

  • You take her out to dinner. (0)

  • You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar. (+1)

  • Okay, it is a sports bar. (-2)

  • And it’s all-you-can-eat night. (-3)

  • It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

A Night Out:

  • You take her to a movie. (+2)

  • You take her to a movie she likes. (+4)

  • You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)

  • You take her to a movie you like. (-2)

  • If it contains the word “Death” or “Blood” in the title. (-3)

  • Which features cyborgs that eat humans. (-9)

  • You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans to get her to agree to go with you. (-15)

Your Physique:

  • You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)

  • You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)

  • You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and a baggy Hawaiian shirt. (-30)

  • You say, it doesn’t matter, because she has one too. (-800)

The Big Question: She asks, do I look fat?

  • You hesitate in responding. (-10)

  • You reply, “Where?” (-35)

  • Any other response. (-20)

Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem:

  1. You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0)

  2. You listen, for over 30 minutes. (+5)

  3. You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+100)

  4. She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-20)

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

TV OR NOT TV


Your kid’s watching TV might not be such a bad thing after all.

New research suggests that watching TV before taking a test could actually help improve your grades. Research at Reading University in the UK showed that watching some TV shows before taking a test actually helped improve test scores as opposed to last minute studying. Students who watched a talk show before a test improved their score by six points compared to those who continued to study. A documentary brought an increase of four points, and the TV show “Friends” brought an increase of 1 point. Professor Keith Warwick said that watching television just before an exam warms up the brain without stretching it too much and said that it could mean the difference between passing and failing or an A grade or B grade. ***MARLAR: So forget about those educational instruction tapes and spending a fortune on a nice desk and computer for your kid – just stick them in front of SpongeBob!

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

A little advice regarding your next selfie – or any social media post for that matter: Keep your hands to yourself. Thanks to improvements in technology, it is no longer advisable to waive, giving the thumbs up, or flash the peace sign in a photo. Researchers at the National Institute of Informatics in Japan say that smartphone cameras are now so good it’s possible to steal someone’s fingerprints from a photo taken up to 10 feet away! Researcher Isao Echizen says, “Just by casually making a peace sign in front of a camera, fingerprints can become widely available.” The peace sign is particularly dangerous because it makes it easy to match fingers with faces. Echizen says anyone can now steal fingerprints from a photo posted to social media — no high-tech setup necessary — as long as the fingers are well-lit and in focus. He warns that the stealing of fingerprints is potentially more dangerous than having a password hacked because passwords, unlike fingerprints, can be changed.

Look around your kitchen. What do you see? If you said “cookies,” there is a good chance you are overweight. Junk food on the kitchen counter is likely to lead to weight gain, a study in Health Education & Behavior found. Among men who kept baked goods visible in their kitchen, 39 percent were obese while just 6 percent were slender. A bowl of fruit was more typical for the slim guys. When you are hungry, you grab the first quick, no-prep snack you see, says researcher Drew Hanks, Ph.D. So keep low calorie options like proportioned bags of nuts or fresh fruit at the ready. (Men’s Health)

If you want to be perceived as sincere when you send a text message, do not end it with a period, no matter what your high school English teacher would think about that. That’s the word from researchers at Binghamton University in New York, who concluded that punctuation — even correct punctuation — influences the perceived meaning of text messages. The study found that based on the participants’ responses, text messages that ended with a period were rated as less sincere than those that did not end with a period. Even though most of the important social and contextual cues were missing, the sincerity of the short messages was evaluated differently depending on the presence or absence of a period. The team also found that a text response that included an exclamation point was interpreted as being more — not less — sincere.

A pair of twins who were separated at birth in China, and then adopted by two different American families who lived hundreds of miles apart, were reunited for the first time in person last week. 
http://abcn.ws/2idfz9q

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Would someone please explain the concept of housecleaning to me? Robin wants me to help her clean the house this weekend, but what’s the point? We have to do it again six months later!

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JANUARY 13, 2017…

Live By Night—Opening from a previous date. Ben Affleck stars and directs this movie about gangsters and their rise to the top in Boston.  Based on a Dennis Lehane novel and set in the 1920’s. There is back-stabbing, love and the rest of crimes included. Also starring in the film are Sienna Miller, Elle Fanning and Zoe Saldana. “Live By Night” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Patriot’s Day—Based on the book “Boston Strong” by Casey Sherman and Dave Wedge, it tells a story of one man (Mark Wahlberg) who is on duty when the Boston Marathon bombings took place.  Heroes comes in all shapes and sizes and gender. Also in the cast are Kevin Bacon, John Goodman, J. K. Simmons and Michelle Monaghan. “Patriot’s Day” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

The Bye Bye Man—This is a supernatural thriller about something from the beyond that tries to possess people when they say its name, “Bye Bye Man.” The film stars Douglas Smith, Doug Jones, Carrie-Anne Moss and Faye Dunaway. “The Bye Bye Man” is rated R. No rating.

Monster Trucks—A 3-D stop-action film, it concerns a young man who wants some action in his life, so he builds a giant truck from spare parts. However, when a contaminated oil spill hits the truck, it develops a life of its own and calls itself “Creech.” Oh, yeah? Voices of Jane Levy, Rob Lowe and Danny Glover.” “Monster Trucks” is rated PG. No rating.

Elle—A French film and subtitled. Isabelle Huppert really takes on this role, which is a strong R rating  about a woman dealing with the aftermath of a rape.  She has her own way of doing things, and devious they are. As an occupation, she designs video games. Also in the cast are Charles Berling and Laurent Lafitte.“Elle” is rated R (could have been NC-17). No rating.

Sleepless—This is an action film starring Jamie Foxx and has him as a police officer who ends up unwittingly putting his son’s life in danger. Also in the cast are T. I., Michelle Monaghan and Dermot Mulroney. Adapted from the book “Sleepless Night” by F. Jardin, N. Saada and O. Douyere. “Sleepless” is rated R. No rating.

JANUARY 20, 2017…

Split is from M. Night Shyamalan, who hasn’t had much luck with films lately. This premise concerns kidnappings and a man with a split personality. Stars James McAvory.

XXX: Return of Xander Cage stars Vin Diesel (missed him??) in an action film

The Founder has Michael Keaton as the builder of McDonald’s. Opening from a previous date.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.