January 17, 2017: Tuesday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170117

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! It’s part of your subscription now! Email me to get FTP access and your free customized tag!)

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

It’s (THE JOCK SHOW); hopefully bringing you a little cheer to start the day, giving you something to build on, inspiring you to press on toward the mark, giving you strength to stay out of those Oreo cookies!  (Left cupboard-door, over the sink.)

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? — Psalm 56:4

God has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. — 2 Corinthians 5:19-20

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

I can do everything through him who gives me strength. — Philippians 4:13

Thought: What’s the basis of our happiness? If it’s our outward circumstances, we’re all in trouble because sooner or later, these aren’t going to be too good. Paul said he had learned the secret to living above life’s circumstances. That secret was Jesus Christ. Jesus was his assurance that no matter how things were here, he was not alone. No matter how difficult things might be, these problems were not permanent. No matter how hard life was at the time, Jesus would give him the strength to overcome them. Paul is just as sure that Jesus will do this for you and me!

Prayer: God of glory and might, thank you for the stories of your great power in the Bible. They give me courage and hope when I face my problems. I believe Jesus can deliver me, sustain me, and uphold me through my difficulties today. Please forgive me for those times when I didn’t turn to you and honestly talk to you about my struggles. O LORD, I need the strength, the comfort, and the presence of Christ today. In the name of my Savior Jesus, I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

James 1:17 NIV = Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – JANUARY 17, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
342 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is JUDGMENT DAY, a day to see how you measure up, a day to look in the mirror.  ***Have you noticed that men and women can look at the same mirror and come away with completely different conclusions?  A woman can look at a mirror, and immediately come to the conclusion (regardless of how she looks) that she must somehow lose 178 pounds.  A 367lb man, on the other hand, can look in that very same mirror and think to himself, “I’m just a few sit-ups away from major studdom!”

This is NATIONAL FEEDBACK DAY.  ***Perfect for people that like to give their opinion to those who are not already depressed enough from being judged on Judgment Day.

Today is MAKE YOUR ALL-TIME TOP TEN FAVORITE TV CHARACTERS LIST. ***Here are my personal favorites in no particular order…

  • Colonel Jack O’Neill (Stargate SG-1)
  • Dr. Johnny Fever (WKRP in Cincinnati)
  • Adrian Monk (Monk)
  • Sam Axe (Burn Notice)
  • Hawkeye Pierce (M*A*S*H)
  • The Emergency Holographic Medical Program “Doctor” (Star Trek: Voyager)
  • Captain James T. Kirk (Star Trek)
  • Jack Bauer (24)
  • Data (Star Trek: The Next Generation)
  • Gregory House (House, M.D.)

TODAY IS ALSO…

Cable Car Day
Hot Heads Chili Days
International Mentoring Day  Link
Judgment Day
Kid Inventors’ Day
National Bootleggers Day Link
Popeye Day
Rid The World of Fad Diets and Gimmicks Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 18

Pooh (Winnie The) Day
Thesaurus Day Link

THURSDAY, JANUARY 19

Popcorn Day Link  (Alternate date: Super Bowl Sunday)
Robert E. Lee Day   Link
Thank Your Mentor Day  Link
Tin Can Day
World Day of Migrants and Refugees Link

FRIDAY, JANUARY 20

Camcorder Day
Data Innovation Day Link
International Fetish Day
National Cheese Lovers Day Link  Link
Penguin Awareness Day Link
Inauguration Day
National Disc Jockey Day Link  or (Link – go to 1958)
Women’s Healthy Weight Day Link

SATURDAY, JANUARY 21

National Hugging Day
Squirrel Appreciation Day

SUNDAY, JANUARY 22

Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day
Celebration of Life Day
National Bible Sunday Link  (4th Sunday)
Roe vs. Wade Day

MONDAY, JANUARY 23

National Handwriting Day Link
Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day

TUESDAY, JANUARY 24

Belly Laugh Day Link
Beer Can Day Link  Link
International Mobile Phone Recycling Day Link
National Compliment Day: 24
National Peanut Butter Day Link
Talk Like A Grizzled Prospector Day Link

ON THIS DAY

1949: Andy Kaufman was born in New York City. In 1976 he was a regular on the TV flop “Van Dyke and Company,” but he was wonderfully weird as Latka Gravas on “Taxi.” He died in 1984. (audio clip)

1966: A U.S. B52 bomber carrying four hydrogen bombs collided with its refueling plane over Palomares, Spain, scattering radioactive plutonium over the area.

1970: The first U.S. Pro Team Karate Championships were held at California’s Long Beach Sports Arena. Fighters included Vic Moore, Fred Wren, Mike Stone, Chuck Norris, Skipper Mullins, Bob Wall, and Billy Watson.

1972: Memphis renamed Bellvue Street Elvis Presley Boulevard. All the new street signs disappeared immediately.

1979: After what Dolly Parton called “a week-long slumber party,” Dolly, Linda Ronstadt, and Emmylou Harris announced they would record an album together.

1983: Ham, the chimpanzee, died at age 26. He was America’s first space pioneer and a member of the Space Hall of Fame.

1984: The U.S. Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that using a home video recorder to tape movies and TV shows for non-commercial purposes did not violate federal copyright law.

1990: Near Alvin, Texas, 18-year-old Andrea Guerero found a man slumped over the wheel of his truck, administered CPR, and saved his life. She was returning home from a CPR certification exam, which she flunked.

1994: Donny Osmond and the Partridge Family’s Danny Bonaduce fought in a charity boxing match in Chicago. Bonaduce won a split decision.

1998: A bush growing in the Tasmanian rainforest was identified as he oldest living plant on Earth. Botanists claimed the Lomatia Tasmanica was 43,000 years old.

1998: U.S. President Bill Clinton denied in a sworn deposition that he had an affair with former White House intern Monica Lewinsky.

1999: In High Point, North Carolina, complaints began rolling in about the unfriendly policewoman on Eastchester Drive. She didn’t wave, she was sleeping, she was dead. Actually, she was a female mannequin, dressed in police clothes, helping to reduce speeds at a high-traffic intersection.

1999: Somebody climbed the water tower in Agra, Kansas, and painted a “v” and an “i” in front of the town’s name. Yep, ViAgra.

2001: Indian priests blessed the marriage of two fig trees. The wedding was followed by a grand feast paid for by villagers in Ghosh Para, in the Uttar Dinajpur district. Village elders recommended the marriage. The trees just stood there and had no comment.

2002: Microsoft announced a joint venture agreement to produce software with two partners in China, Beijing Centergate Technologies Company and the Stone Group.

2006: The U.S. Supreme Court upheld Oregon’s assisted suicide law by a 6-3 vote. It allows doctors to help mentally competent terminally ill patients end their lives.

2007: Pumpkin got loose and vanished during a short haul on United Airlines from London to Munich Dec. 28. Pumpkin is a cat, who then flew from Munich to Washington and eventually to Los Angeles. Three weeks later, airport workers found her in Denver. Somehow she survived, light as a feather, without food or water. When she recoverd she flew home to Washington state.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

356: Antony of Egypt, regarded as the founder of Christian monasticism, dies at age 105. Committed to a life of solitude and absolute poverty, he took two companions with him into the desert when he knew his death was near. They were ordered to bury him without a marker so that his body would never become an object of reverence

1377: Gregory XI moves the papal see from Avignon (where it had been for 72 years) back to Rome. However, when he died the next year, two men (one in Rome, the other in Avignon) both claimed to succeed him, creating “The Great Schism.” (The break between eastern and western churches in 1054 is also called “The Great Schism.”)

1525: The Zurich City Council arranges a public debate on the subject of infant baptism, which Ulrich Zwingli mandated but Conrad Grebel and Felix Manz (among others) opposed on the grounds that baptism symbolizes a believer’s commitment to Christ. Grebel and Manz were defeated and eventually killed for their views

1963: The Baptist World Mission was incorporated in Chicago. This independent organization of Baptist tradition is engaged primarily in evangelism, church planting and education in 17 overseas countries.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (Sports Night, West Wing) Joshua Malina, 51

  • Actor (Ace Ventura movies, Liar Liar, Fun With Dick & Jane, The Truman Show) Jim Carrey, 54

  • Actor/comedian Steve Harvey, 60 (audio clip)

  • Boxing legend Muhammad Ali, 75

  • TV host Maury Povich, 78

  • actor James Earl Jones (Field of Dreams, The Hunt for Red October, the voice of Darth Vader in the Star Wars movies and the voice that says, “This is CNN”) 86

  • Actress (The Golden Girls, The Mary Tyler Moore Show) Betty White, 95 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1712 : John Stanley

1913 : Vido Musso

1920 : George Handy

1927 : Eartha Kitt

1943 : Chris Montez

1944 : Françoise Hardy

1945 : William Hart (The Delfonics)

1948 : Michael Kevin Taylor (The Rolling Stones)

1948 : Mick Taylor (The Rolling Stones)

1955 : Steve Earle

1956 : Paul Young

1957 : John Crawford (Berlin)

1959 : Susanna Hoffs (The Bangles)

1971 : Kid Rock

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Were toilets really invented by a guy named “Crapper?”

One of history’s great inventors died 99 years ago this week. Then again, maybe he didn’t. It depends on whether he ever lived. You see, Sir Thomas Crapper is widely recognized as the inventor of the flush toilet. Honest. His biography is classified as non-fiction by the Library of Congress. It appears now, however, that Sir Thomas lived only in the mind of British author Wallace Reyburn, who wrote the alleged biography entitled Flushed With Pride. According to the bathroom history book, “Clean And Decent” by Lawrence Wright, the island of Crete had flush toilets as early as 2500 B.C.; so you can see where that leaves Sir Thomas Crapper. You can also see just how deep I’ll dig to keep you informed. And right now I’d say it’s getting pretty deep!

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Late in 2016 Mike Grayson of MIKESCHAIR and Molly Reed of City Harbor announced that they had joined forces to create a new group called Grayson Reed. Late last week the husband/wife duo released their first EP, titled Walk. It includes six songs.

Later this month Phil Wickham will be joining his brother to help begin the process of starting a church in San Diego. Phil posted late last week: on Jan 27th I’ll be joining my brother, Worship leader Evan Wickham, and other friends for the first Seek Night in downtown San Diego. To be clear, this is not a concert. This will be a night of prayer as we move towards God’s vision for His Church and the city. In the coming year Evan will be planting a church here in downtown San Diego and I couldn’t be more excited about it! All who have a heart to see Gods Kingdom come to San Diego are welcome to join us. Exciting things on the horizon! 
https://www.instagram.com/p/BPMNIy_gzqQ/

Switchfoot is in training as they prepare for their Canada tour in early February. The band posted a Canada tour training video over the weekend. Included in their rigorous training routine was snow shoveling, snow angels, and catching a hockey puck with their teeth. Front man John Foreman even spent some time in the penalty box after an especially vicious check into the board on the ice. Watch the video as Switchfoot trains for the Looking for Canada tour. http://switchfoot.com/were-looking-for-canada/

Sunday was a bittersweet day for Jamie Grace. It was her last Sunday as a full time worship leader at the church her father started when she was 3. Jamie posted: already missing my church family. but thankful. grateful. hopeful. Jamie is moving to California with her family seeking medical help for her mom, Mona.

 2017 may just be the biggest year yet for Danny Gokey. According to People Magazine, in addition to the release of his new CD this month, Danny and his wife Leyicet are also expecting a new baby this year. Danny says Leyicet broke the news on New Years Eve. The couple’s third baby will join siblings Daniel Emanuel, 4 this month, and Victoria Isabella, 2.http://peoplem.ag/sBL7J5B

 Question for the day from Open Doors youth: What were the 5 big moments of your 2016?

 Josh Wilson and his family headed out on their first ever cruise over the weekend. Josh says they will be cruising the Caribbean this week but it won’t be all fun and games. Josh is one of several artists featured on the cruise that set sail on Saturday and runs through much of this week.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BPNbfOihxJq/

Lecrae: If you’re going to acknowledge the work of MLK this (week) you should acknowledge the work that still needs to be done. I pray we don’t celebrate MLK and ignore the legacy of equality and justice he was fighting for.

Aaron Shust was celebrating a miracle over the weekend. He says their son Michael turned 5 years old over the weekend. Aaron added: Our boy was born with a 1% survival rate. He was born with half of a heart and has had two open heart surgeries. X-rays showed he had no tooth buds, but they miraculously all came in. He was deaf, but was miraculously healed. We were told by doctors he would never talk or walk, but we can’t keep him still or quiet. I give testimony to the Love and Power of the One True God.  https://www.instagram.com/p/BPNajZTBagP/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

A survey found that the most useful thing that students learn while at college is how to do laundry.  ***Tens of thousands of dollars to learn something that you could discover after spending a few quarters at a laundromat.

A woman in China made up a story about murdering her soon-to-be ex-husband to get herself jailed — because she needed a place to stay. She’s now serving 10 days in police detention for filing a false report.  ***So she wanted one day of free room and board – and received ten more free days?  Now that’s a WIN!

(Hey, kids – what time is it?  TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!  Totally outrageous!)  Society is certainly a lot more accepting of tattoos these days, letting people express themselves how they want to with their own bodies. But that doesn’t mean people still don’t do stupid and potentially regrettable things with ink. In England, 20-year-old Kourtney Leigh may be a good example as she just let her boyfriend talk her into getting his name tattooed on her face! Or, as her possessive partner puts it, “she’s been branded like Heinz Beans.” The word “Ryan” now sits above her left eyebrow, while “Wibbo” is on the other side, so nobody else will ever be able to look at her without seeing Ryan’s handiwork. Ryan Wibberley, who goes by the name Wibbo, is a 23-year-old tattoo artist who claims he has persuaded 39 ex-girlfriends to get his name tattooed on them. Most didn’t go for the face, but apparently legs, arms, fingers and backsides instead. He also said, “I’ve got Kourtney’s name on my hand, but she’s the only ex whose name I’ve got done.” Of course we’re sure calling her his “ex” was simply a slip of the tongue and in no way indicative of things to come. Explaining why she got the tattoo, Kourtney said, “I do it because he’s paranoid and wants to have me branded. He thinks it’ll put other men off.”  ***And I’m guessing he’s right about that.  Shaking… my …head… (TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!  Totally outrageous!)

Good news and bad news regarding women and equal pay. The good news is the World Economic Forum says it will happen. The bad news is based on their best guess using business and economic predicting algorithms, it won’t happen until 2186. ***Still, you’re making progress feminists – congratulations!  You won’t be around to see it, but congratulations anyway.

The Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Circus is closing after 146 years in business. The last performance will take place May 21st in suburban New York.  ***So now the closest thing to running away from home to join the circus is running away from home to run for political office.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Danish researchers found that the thinner a person’s thighs, the greater the risk for heart disease and premature death. ***So, I’m immortal?

Consumers worried about the origins of their clothing, coffee, and chocolate might want to focus on a more on the origins of their Bible. Chances are good that your favorite Bible was printed in China. Last year printers in China produced 12.4 million Bibles, making China the world’s biggest Bible publisher. ***Kind of hypocritical, seeing as China is antagonistic to Christianity.  Has anyone checked to see if those Bibles contain lead?

Health researchers say they found a troubling link between higher consumption of rice and Type 2 diabetes, a disease that in some countries is becoming an epidemic.  Further work is needed to probe the apparent association and diets that are notoriously high in sugar and fats should remain on the no-go list, they cautioned. ***That’s right – white rice is considered a sugar.  Try adding that to your coffee in the morning and see how far it gets you.

Nearly half of all American workers gripe about being burned out even though they didn’t use up all their vacation days. According to a survey by Yahoo Hot Jobs, 45% didn’t take all their time off, while 39% say they were too exhausted to go on a “real” vacation. Another 36% claim to be too busy to take time off, 34% say the high cost of going somewhere keeps them going to the office, while 32% want to save vacation days for real emergencies.  ***I know exactly how frustrating that can be, working too hard and not taking time off… so here’s my plan for you.  Work hard, and give ME your vacation time.  I’m willing to make the sacrifice for you.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the jungle animals were at Nozzles the Elephant’s house waiting for pizza… but in the meantime, they were all saying nasty, horrible, terrible things about each other… and writing it all down in Nozzles’ brand new journal he’d bought earlier that day. Suddenly, Gruffy Bear threw the book out the window…

CLOSE: Tune in again next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Smoking can be hazardous to your health – just ask one British retiree.

The 80-something woman had her gas stove on, but none of the burners had ignited. That was about to change. It was about then that she decided to go to her back door and light up a smoke. She also lit up her house as the ensuing explosion ripped through the first floor and caused extensive structural damage to the apartment, blowing out the windows, ripping off the back door and even lifting the roof. Amazingly, the woman only suffered minor burns to her hands and face.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SKILLS OF REAL MOTHERS

  • Real mothers don’t eat quiche; they don’t have time to make it.

  • Real mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sand box.

  • Real mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.

  • Real mothers don’t want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.

  • Real mothers sometimes ask “Why me?” and get their answer when a little voice says, “because I love you best.”

  • Real mothers know that a child’s growth isn’t measured by height or years or grade. It’s marked by the progression of “Mama” to “Mommy” to “Mom.”

  • Real mothers can change a diaper, talk on the phone, start the laundry, and vacuum at the same time.

  • Real mothers have a magic right arm that allows them to reach anywhere in a car while driving… even the trunk!

  • Real mothers know how to instill fear just by using your middle name.

  • Real mothers can tell if an article of clothing will fit their children by looking at it, but still makes them try it on!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

When trying to siphon gasoline, make sure you’re siphoning from the correct tank!

FILE #1: When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

FILE #2: Take care if you’re chowing down on a bit of breakfast behind the wheel this morning. An English truck driver has been fined $45 for eating a biscuit behind the wheel. The man was on the highway when the English equivalent of Highway Patrol pulled him over for driving without proper care. John Cornwall calls the charges ridiculous and the cops “crackers”, but he’ll pay the fine. John says snacking behind the wheel is no different than smoking, but police counter that a large number of crashes are caused by seemingly minor distractions.

FILE #3: As hecklers go, Glenn Williams takes the cake. While at a comedy club in Georgia, the 43-year-old man jumped on stage and said he was wanted by the police. Williams stopped the laughter at the Comedy Cafe in Macon by saying he wanted to share something with the audience. He then claimed he is the Bicycle Bandit who robs banks with a rifle before pedaling away from the scene of his crimes. Staff at the club were not amused by the outburst and alerted police who arrested Williams. He is now facing three counts of armed robbery and is in custody pending a court appearance.

STRANGE LAW: One-armed piano players must perform for free in Iowa.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A bulge in the jacket of a defendant in court turns out not to be a gun…

Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn’t need a warrant because a “bulge” in Christopher’s jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

PHONER PHUN

Today is NATIONAL FEEDBACK DAY, so here’s your chance – give us your feedback on the show! What do you like, what do you not like, what would you like to see more of – or less of? If you could change one thing about the show, what would it be? Now’s your chance to play “Station Manager” – so give us a call!

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who was healed of leprosy after dipping seven times in the Jordan?
ANSWER: Naaman the Syrian (2Kings 5:14)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: In what city is it illegal to drive a car in reverse?

ANSWER: Glendale, Arizona

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. To create color in a conventional CRT, the TV fires three electron guns. (True)

2. Hamburg was host to Led Zeppelin’s last-ever gig. (False, Berlin)

3. Alfred Hitchcock’s “Psyco” was originally released in 1959. (True)

4. The month of January named for Janus, The Roman god of doors and gateways. (True)

5. 9 out of 10 people use the word “shy” to describe themselves. (True)

6. The animated film Thumbelina is NOT a Walt Disney production. (True)

7. The nickname “Hot thing”, later used in a movie, belonged to baseball relief pitcher Mitch Williams. (False, Wild thing)

8. The band Led Zeppelin droped the “a” in lead when naming themselves because in England it is spelled led. (False, So people wouldn’t pronounce it “leed”)

9. The town St. Petersburg, Mississippi is a popular setting in the books of writer William Faulkner. (False, Mark Twain)

10. All of these films were based on plays, “Salem’s Lot”, “Agnes Of God”, “Driving Miss Daisy”, and “Shirley Valentine”. (False, Salem’s Lot was not based on a play)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Cuba Wants to Pay Off $276 Million Debt in Rum!”
Truth! Cuba is apparently considering taking care of the $276 million it owes the Czech Republic with enough rum to supply the European country for more than 100 years. The Czech Statistics Office is reporting the country imported more than $2 million of rum from Cuba in 2015 so clearly it’s in demand.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in- law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing. She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing. “Well, you haven’t used the gift I gave you last year.”

JOKE #2

The local supermarket has just been equipped with a “talking” cash register. Pam listened, amused, as a mechanical voice announced each item and its price when the clerk passed it over the scanner.

After everything had been checked through, the relentless machine told the total and, after she paid, the change due.

The cashier, who had not yet spoken, got the change and closed the drawer of the finally silent cash register. Looking at Pam, she said smugly, “I still get to say ‘thank you.'”

JOKE #3

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Ben got up to read his. “Papa fell in the well last week – ” he began.

“Good heavens,” shrieked Mrs. Krup, the teacher. “Is he all right now?”

“He must be,” said little Ben. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday.”

USELESS FACTS

A new study says that teasing can increase weight problems.  ***Especially if you’re teasing by holding a cupcake in front of them.

University of Washington researchers say that your sense of humor declines with age.  ***Yeah?  Well those losers need to shut their pie holes.

FEATURED FUNNIES

LOAVES AND FISHES

A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, “For my text today, I will take the words, ‘And they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'”

A member of the flock snickered at the preacher’s error, raised his hand and said, “That’s not much of a trick. I could do that.”

The minister didn’t respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly, “And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes.”

Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, “Could you do that, Mr.Perkins?”

The member of the flock said, “I sure could.”

“How would you do it?”

“With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

A Romanian man is suing his former employer because he says he had to work too hard — and long.

Sandu Guruiatu says the amount of work he did for Insta Electric was strenuous and the hours so long that he didn’t have time to marry or play chess. The 67-year-old engineer, who is now retired, wants nearly $43,000 in damages for working so hard he was too tired to do anything else when he got home at night. ***MARLAR: Here’s an idea – GET A DIFFERENT JOB!  They could have fired him – and then he would have had a lot of free time!

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

MISUNDERSTANDING
A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn’t understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place.

Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row. So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too.

When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord’s Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn’t understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.

Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too.

Then the preacher said some words that he didn’t understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing.  So he sat down. After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: “I take it you don’t speak Spanish.”

The missionary recruit replied: “No I don’t. It’s that obvious?”

“Well yes,” said the preacher, “I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up.”

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

WHAT GOD CAN DO

Read: 2 Corinthians 1:3-11

[God] delivered us from so great a death, and does deliver us; in whom we trust that He will still deliver us. —2 Corinthians 1:10

They were called the “lost boys” of Sudan. Thousands of them fled the civil war in that country and sought refuge from the chaos and killing. Many had been taught the gospel in churches founded by missionaries, but they knew little of the world beyond their villages.

A National Geographic article profiled one of these “lost boys” who is now resettled in the United States. He told a church congregation that he is grateful for the comforts of the US, but also for the faith he learned through hardship. “Americans believe in God,” he told them, “but they don’t know what God can do.”

In the crucible of testing, we move from theory to reality as we experience God’s power. When there seems to be no hope, we may share Paul’s feeling of being “burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we [despair] even of life” (2 Corinthians 1:8). But we can also learn, as Paul did, that in the darkest times “we should not trust in ourselves but in God who raises the dead” (v.9).

If God has allowed you to be in a desperate situation today, why not reconsider all that the Almighty has done and can still do. By trusting God in hardship we learn what He can do in our lives. —David McCasland

Though weak and helpless in life’s fray,
God’s mighty power shall be my stay;
Without, within, He gives to me
The strength to gain the victory. —D. De Haan

God is the only ally we can always count on.

LEFTOVERS

SPEED BUMP

Ten-year-old Jack Wadsworth was run over by his mom’s mini van and lived to tell about it.

…While was playing out in the yard with his younger brother Joshua, Jack decided to hide in a leaf pile. Meanwhile his mom was attempting to park their mini van in the driveway. Because some cars were blocking her way, Mrs. Wadsworth drove through the lawn and through the leaf pile. She at first thought she ran over the cat. Instead, much to horror, it was her son Jack. Miraculously, Jack was coherent and wasn’t bleeding. Family members packed his face with Popsicles — the coldest thing they could find — and waited for paramedics and police to arrive. He was released from the hospital in one day and came away from the incident with only some facial bruises. Paramedics told the family that if the surface had been concrete instead of dirt, Jack’s injuries could have been very severe. Jack says his friends have nicknamed him “speed bump”.

LIFE… LIVE IT

NIGHTY NIGHT

Studies show that women suffer from insomnia more than men. Here are six tips from the Mayo Clinic Women’s HealthSource to help women fall asleep and stay asleep:

  • Curb the caffeine — Limit it. In addition to the usual sources (coffee, tea and soda) be aware of caffeine in chocolate and in medications used to treat headaches, colds and sinus congestion.

  • Stop smoking — Nicotine impairs the ability to fall asleep and stay asleep.

  • Watch the alcohol — Even though drinking alcohol may make it easier to fall asleep, as few as one or two drinks within two hours of bedtime tend to disrupt your sleep and lead to more frequent awakening in the latter half of the night.

  • Get moving — Lack of physical activity during the day is associated with increased sleep problems. But strenuous exercise too close to bedtime may make it more difficult to fall asleep.

  • Eat dinner earlier — Eating too much food close to bedtime may make falling asleep and staying asleep more difficult.

  • Skip the nap — Naps can make it harder to fall asleep at night. If you can’t get by without one, limit it to less than 30 minutes.

JUST FOR FUN

SPRAY IT ON

Don’t like pills and needles, yet still need medication for something?  No problem… just spray it on!
We spray on deodorant, bug spray and suntan lotion. Soon we’ll be able to spray on drugs. Scientists in Australia say they are in the final stages of developing spray-on medicines. It’s great news for people who can’t stand needles and injections. The spray would cause less discomfort than needles and, because the body disposes of some chemicals before they reach the bloodstream, they would also give better delivery than pills. Professor Bill Chalman and his team of scientists at the Monash University in Melbourne found that a chemical in sunscreens allowed other drugs to pass through the skin.  ***MARLAR: Hmmm… what’s that delightful fragrance you’re wearing?”  “Oh, it’s new… it’s called “Flu-shot.”

FUN LIST

TALIBANNED

Think things are bad in this country?  It could be worse – you could be part of the Taliban.  Everything fun is banned by the Taliban.  I guess you could call the following list, “Talibanned.”

  • Television is banned by the Taliban.

  • Women going to college is banned.

  • Movies are banned.

  • Women driving are banned

  • Satellite dishes are banned.

  • Photos of animals are banned.

  • Nail polish is banned.

  • Dancing is banned.

  • The Internet is banned.

  • Anything made with human hair is banned.

  • Chess and card games are banned.

Be thankful you live in a free country!

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

THE DIRT ON BACTERIA

Is it possible that Americans are too concerned about cleanliness?

Some experts say Americans are too concerned about our anti-bacterial products.  In fact, we’re so clean, that it might actually be bad for us! You see, all that scrubbing and sponging may be weakening our immune systems, killing helpful germs and spurring the growth of mutant strains of super bacteria. Stuart Levy, a Tufts University geneticist, says Americans are being swayed by advertising campaigns to be so clean and use so much anti-bacterial stuff. Levy said research has proved that the overuse of anti-bacterials, like antibiotics, will create stronger, more dangerous strains of bacteria. ***MARLAR: And to think I wasted all that time as a kid taking baths!

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Dennis Quaid is slated to star in I Can Only Imagine, which is based on the multiplatinum, top-selling MercyMe song. The movie will be released in spring 2018.
http://relm.ag/HcEM6Pi

One Utah family has decided to take winter fun in the backyard to an Olympic level. According to Today.com, Thomas Williams and many of his 15 children spent 10 hours a day over Christmas break building their annual ice luge run around the family’s home in South Jordan. At 300 feet long, it’s more than 20 seconds of joyriding winter bliss for the kids.
http://on.today.com/2jz16F3

After eight years, President Barack Obama and his family will move to a new home as his time in office comes to an end. But before it does, the First Family wanted to give the public one last tour of its home—but this time in virtual reality. Felix and Paul Studios, working alongside Facebook’s Oculus team and the Obama administration, has spent months shooting an intimate behind-the-scenes tour of the White House to give viewers a more detailed look at what it means to live at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. The eight-minute version of the film, which debuted over the weekend, will be followed sometime next year with a longer 20-minute film.
http://adweek.it/2iPQH3L   
https://www.facebook.com/WhiteHouse/videos/10155140995934238/

Researchers excavating the remains of one of the most notorious Nazi death camps have uncovered a pendant that appears identical to one belonging to Anne Frank
https://yhoo.it/2jdFZ8r

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

It finally happened. After a random check, the AMA and the FDA have designated the coffee around here “unfit for human consumption.” Gee, that means (NEXT JOCK) gets it all.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JANUARY 13, 2017…

Live By Night—Opening from a previous date. Ben Affleck stars and directs this movie about gangsters and their rise to the top in Boston.  Based on a Dennis Lehane novel and set in the 1920’s. There is back-stabbing, love and the rest of crimes included. Also starring in the film are Sienna Miller, Elle Fanning and Zoe Saldana. “Live By Night” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Patriot’s Day—Based on the book “Boston Strong” by Casey Sherman and Dave Wedge, it tells a story of one man (Mark Wahlberg) who is on duty when the Boston Marathon bombings took place.  Heroes comes in all shapes and sizes and gender. Also in the cast are Kevin Bacon, John Goodman, J. K. Simmons and Michelle Monaghan. “Patriot’s Day” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

The Bye Bye Man—This is a supernatural thriller about something from the beyond that tries to possess people when they say its name, “Bye Bye Man.” The film stars Douglas Smith, Doug Jones, Carrie-Anne Moss and Faye Dunaway. “The Bye Bye Man” is rated R. No rating.

Monster Trucks—A 3-D stop-action film, it concerns a young man who wants some action in his life, so he builds a giant truck from spare parts. However, when a contaminated oil spill hits the truck, it develops a life of its own and calls itself “Creech.” Oh, yeah? Voices of Jane Levy, Rob Lowe and Danny Glover.” “Monster Trucks” is rated PG. No rating.

Elle—A French film and subtitled. Isabelle Huppert really takes on this role, which is a strong R rating  about a woman dealing with the aftermath of a rape.  She has her own way of doing things, and devious they are. As an occupation, she designs video games. Also in the cast are Charles Berling and Laurent Lafitte.“Elle” is rated R (could have been NC-17). No rating.

Sleepless—This is an action film starring Jamie Foxx and has him as a police officer who ends up unwittingly putting his son’s life in danger. Also in the cast are T. I., Michelle Monaghan and Dermot Mulroney. Adapted from the book “Sleepless Night” by F. Jardin, N. Saada and O. Douyere. “Sleepless” is rated R. No rating.

JANUARY 20, 2017…

Split is from M. Night Shyamalan, who hasn’t had much luck with films lately. This premise concerns kidnappings and a man with a split personality. Stars James McAvory.

XXX: Return of Xander Cage stars Vin Diesel (missed him??) in an action film

The Founder has Michael Keaton as the builder of McDonald’s. Opening from a previous date.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.