January 18, 2017: Wednesday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170118

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…..

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Today I have really got to finally take down the Christmas tree. It’s a shame, too. I just got the lights to work yesterday.

I do sit-ups every morning. It may not sound like much to you, but there’s only so many times you can hit that snooze button.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

The Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. — 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17

Therefore, my brothers, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you. Through him everyone who believes is justified from everything you could not be justified from by the law of Moses. — Acts 13:38-39

For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus’ sake. — 2 Corinthians 4:5

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

“I am the Alpha and the Omega,” says the Lord God, “who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty.” — Revelation 1:8

Thought: From beginning to end, our God is there! What is there for us to fear? What can happen that can change this one undeniable reality? We belong to the God who is always there, who always cares for us, and who will always work to bring us salvation! No matter what happens to us tomorrow, or the next day, or the one after that, our destiny lies with the God who stretches from beginning to end and who secures for us life that never ends.

Prayer: Father God, thank you for the blessings of this past year. Please guide me as I seek to use your blessings in the coming year. Inspire my confidence about your future for me and fill me with joy because of your salvation. For all that has been good, holy, and gracious, I give you thanks and praise. For all the ways I’ve sinned, failed, or stumbled, I ask for your forgiveness. And for tomorrow, and another new day and another new year, I await with anticipation and gladness for I know that I will see them come or I will be at home with you where days and years no longer matter. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

James 1:18 NIV = He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of first fruits of all he created.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – JANUARY 18, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
341 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is POOH DAY, marking the birth of writer A.A. Milne on this date in 1882. He created Winnie the Pooh. ***I’m guessing that, with a name like that, Pooh got picked on a lot in school.

Today is HAIR DRYER APPRECIATION DAY. ***Just remember to follow the instructions and heed the warning label: “Do Not Use While Sleeping.”

Tonight is NATIONAL LAY AWAKE AND WHISPER IN THE DARK NIGHT. ***Whenever that happens, I just whisper to God to please make me go back to sleep.

Today is U.F.O. DAY, marking the first reported sighting of a UFO in America by Pilgrims in Boston. The year was 1644.

Today is THESAURUS DAY. ***So, what’s another word for “thesaurus”?

Today is MAINTENANCE DAY.

ARE YOU HIGH MAINTENANCE?

Okay, ladies – take this little quiz to find out. Answer true or false to the following questions. Keep track of how many “true” answers you give.

  • The first outfit I put on is never the one I end up wearing.

  • I have a housekeeper.

  • I demand a phone call, or a very good explanation, when someone is late.

  • I would never ride in a convertible with the top down for fear of windblown hair.

  • My partner should compliment me often, especially before we go out at night.

  • I sometimes require much sleep in order to look and feel my best.

  • I expect my significant other to give me gifts “just because.”

  • At a restaurant, I order my meals with special requirements.

  • I never leave the house without blow drying my hair or using a hair product.

  • My getting-ready-for-bed regimen last for more than 15 minutes.

Add up your true answers.

  • 1-3: Your are a dreamboat! Self-sufficient no matter what is thrown your way. Although you will probably grow to be an easygoing loaner or hermit.

  • 4-6: You can get by with little maintenance. Usually you can do your own thing but occasionally you can be a pain in the patootie.

  • 7-9: Wow are you needy! Do you even remember a time when you could accomplish task on your own? I hope your hubby has a fat pocketbook loaded with patience to fill your needs.

  • 10: You are pathetically high maintenance. Either that or the person you had fill this out for you misunderstood your barked out commands. You might think about these results the next time you are at the nail salon in your Liz Claiborne outfit and Gucci shoes going over next month’s events in your DayTimer.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Pooh (Winnie The) Day
Thesaurus Day Link

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

THURSDAY, JANUARY 19

Popcorn Day Link  (Alternate date: Super Bowl Sunday)
Robert E. Lee Day   Link
Thank Your Mentor Day  Link
Tin Can Day
World Day of Migrants and Refugees Link

FRIDAY, JANUARY 20

Camcorder Day
Data Innovation Day Link
International Fetish Day
National Cheese Lovers Day Link  Link
Penguin Awareness Day Link
Inauguration Day
National Disc Jockey Day Link  or (Link – go to 1958)
Women’s Healthy Weight Day Link

SATURDAY, JANUARY 21

National Hugging Day
Squirrel Appreciation Day

SUNDAY, JANUARY 22

Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day
Celebration of Life Day
National Bible Sunday Link  (4th Sunday)
Roe vs. Wade Day

MONDAY, JANUARY 23

National Handwriting Day Link
Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day

TUESDAY, JANUARY 24

Belly Laugh Day Link
Beer Can Day Link  Link
International Mobile Phone Recycling Day Link
National Compliment Day: 24
National Peanut Butter Day Link
Talk Like A Grizzled Prospector Day Link

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 25

A Room of One’s Own Day
Macintosh Computer Day Link
National Irish Coffee Day Link
Opposite Day Link
Robert Burns Day Link

ON THIS DAY

1943: A wartime ban on the sale of sliced bread took effect in the United States. The ban was aimed at reducing bakeries’ demands for metal replacement parts.

1956: The first rock ‘n’ roll LP made the Billboard pop album chart: “Rock Around the Clock” by Bill Haley & The Comets. The single had reached only #23 in 1954, but hit #1 when it was re-released a year later.

1973: The group Pink Floyd began recording Dark Side of the Moon, which would set a record by staying on the Billboard album chart for over 14 years.

1975: The situation TV comedy “The Jeffersons,” a spin-off from “All in the Family,” premiered on CBS. (audio clip)

1977: 20-year-old Jean Jawbone was revived by a cardiac team at Health Services Center in Winnipeg, Manitoba. Her heartbeat had stopped for three hours 40 minutes.

1980: New York’s Studio 54 owners Steve Rubell and Ian Schrager were sentenced to 3½ years in prison for tax evasion and fined $20,000. Pundits called it “the day disco died.”

1986: Dionne Warwick’s single for AIDS research, “That’s What Friends Are For,” became her second #1 song.

1989: The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in New York City inducted the Rolling Stones, Otis Redding, Stevie Wonder, the Temptations, and Dion.

1989: Donald Burns of Bermuda became the world’s #1 loudmouth by shouting at a Guinness record 119 decibels. He did it at Liberty State Park in New Jersey.

1996: Australian scientists who claimed to have contacted life on other planets stumbled on the real source of the signals — a microwave oven in the kitchen of their laboratory. (audio clip)

1996: Lisa Marie Presley filed for divorce from Michael Jackson after 20 months of marriage, citing irreconcilable differences.

1997: Norwegian Borge Ousland completed a 1,675-mile trek across Antarctica, the first time anyone traversed the continent alone.

2001: A New Zealand thief replied to a newspaper ad seeking a rare tool placed by the builder he stole it from. The Christchurch builder said it was a long shot at recovering his tools, but it worked. Police arrested the thief and also found almost $10,000 worth of equipment taken from another house.

2003: Michelle Kwan won her sixth straight U.S. Figure Skating Championships title and seventh overall.

2003: Protesters nationwide demonstrated in opposition to possible war in Iraq.

2005: A man who threatened to blow up his van one block from the White House surrendered without incident after a lengthy standoff with police in what turned out to be a child-custody dispute.

2005: The Airbus A380, largest commercial jet that carries 800 passengers was unveiled in Toulouse, France.

2007: Police in Waukesha, Wisconsin, were called to rescue a boy who got his tongue stuck to a metal stop sign on a day when the thermometer registered 9 degrees. Police used warm water to free the boy’s tongue as his friends watched. (audio clip)

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1562: The counter-reformation Council of Trent reconvenes after a 10-year break caused by the revolt of Protestant princes against Emperor Charles V. During the break, all hope of reconciliation between Catholics and Protestants had vanished.

1830: Baptism of Tauta’ahau Tupou. King of Tonga by a western missionary. Beginning of a strongly missionary Christian Kingdom.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (The Time Machine, 3 Crosses, Shifter) Samantha Mumba 34
  • actor (“Freaks and Geeks”, “How I Met Your Mother”, Knocked Up, 11:14) Jason Segel is 37
  • Actor (“Law & Order”) Jesse L. Martin, 48
  • Actor (Field of Dreams, Open Range, Bull Durham, Tin Cup, Man of Steel) Kevin Costner, 62

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1941 : Bobby Goldsboro

1941 : David Ruffin (The Temptations)

1943 : Dave Greenslade

1944 : “Legs” Larry Smith (The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band)

1953 : Brett Hudson (The Hudson Brothers)

1956 : Tom Bailey (Thompson Twins)

1970 : DJ Quik

1971 : Jonathan Davis (KoRn)

1983 : Samantha Mumba

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do we measure water depth in fathoms?

Do you ever get the feeling that you are in over your head? That you just can’t fathom something? That, in short, it’s too deep? There is something so elemental about the ocean depths that we embrace it as a metaphor for the unknown or the unknowable. But ancient mariners sometimes needed literally to plumb the depths — to see if a passage was safe for ships, for example. Mariners determined depth by lowering a weighted rope until it touched bottom and then marking the point on the rope where it broke the surface. When they hauled in the rope they extended their arms repeatedly, fingertip to fingertip, along this length to measure it. They called this unit of measurement a fathom, from an Anglo-Saxon word for embrace (holding out your arms). Today we’re more precise: a fathom is six feet.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Matthew West was part of an interesting photo shoot over the weekend. He posted a picture on instagram as he relaxed in a chair in front of a roaring fire…holding a stuffed chicken. Yes, you heard correctly, a stuffed chicken. No word from Matthew at this point regarding why he was holding the chicken and it seems to be a well kept secret. Even Matthew’s wife Emily asked “why?” in the comments section of the picture.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BPOJMTRjb8h/

 

Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo: “Something always falls out of the taco” – a metaphor that I’m waiting to use, but haven’t found the right situation as of yet.

 

Sometimes taking advice from your heroes doesn’t turn out like you hope. According to an interview in Billboard, after placing third on the eighth season of American Idol, Danny Gokey followed mentor Randy Travis’ counsel and began pursuing a career as a country artist. Though Travis told Gokey he’d find success bringing “soul” to the country format, it turns Christian music was the better fit. After his country debut didn’t exactly set the world on fire, Gokey made the transition to the faith-based music market with his second album in June 2014. Last Friday he continued along that career path with the release of his new album Rise.
http://blbrd.cm/qGmgLW

 

Natalie Grant shared Colossians 3:23 recently. She posted: Such a good verse of the day for today and every day. Love this definition of the word “willingly”: cheerfully consenting or ready. Can you imagine what would happen if we approached EVERYTHING we do with a cheerfully consenting and ready attitude? Feeling the conviction. So when my expectations aren’t met, things aren’t going as planned, my dreams seem smashed – whatever it may be…attitude and perspective are everything, and set the tone not only for my own life but for all the lives around me.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BPSlmkKBNL7/

 

Rend Collective is out with a new book. Campfire Devotional is now available for download. It features an interesting look at the Irish Worship band and the campfire stories shared with them by their fans. 
https://www.instagram.com/p/BPODPIZhkzy/

 

Thanks to JJ Heller and her fans, a lot of children are being encouraged and ministered to. Each time someone buys JJ’s “I Dream of You” lullaby album, she also donates one to a children’s hospital. JJ Heller announced: So far I’ve donated over 8,500 lullaby albums to hospitals.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtnah4RUtAI

 

Casting Crowns Megan Garrett: POLL: How many times do you reheat a cup of coffee before actually finishing it? (I’m somewhere in the 127 times ballpark)

 

 Mark Hall now has a plan for the next time a Casting Crowns album release is delayed. He posted a news headline that said: U2 Delaying Album Release, Say They Need ‘Breathing Space’ to Reassess After Trump Win. Mark added: This is awesome. I’ve got to remember this next time our record is not ready.

 

 

Casting Crown Juan Devevo is 41. He posted this week: Is that too early to just walk into a store and grab something and walk out forgetting to pay for it. Should I see a professional?

 

It may take Plumb a little longer than planned to clean out her closet. She posted a picture of her bedroom floor covered with clothes, shoes, and hats and said this is how far I got in cleaning my closet.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BPKjaQQjdQS/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Starbucks’ new latte is named for the husk of the coffee been that is used to flavor it, and, reading the description, it sounds tasty. Cascara is the name of a small tree of the buckthorn family that grows across the western U.S., the bark of which has for centuries been dried for use as a powerful laxative.  ***Boy, if you didn’t have a reason to avoid Starbucks before…

In Leicester, North Carolina, 57-year-old Glenda Blackwell wanted to prove to her husband that playing the lottery is a waste of money and stupid. He had asked her to pick up two Powerball tickets but she grabbed a $10 Carolina Millions scratch-off for herself instead. She said, “I wanted to show him that luck doesn’t always hit.” Well now she’s happily eating her words because she won a million bucks!  ***Does this work with other things?  If so, I’m going to prove to my wife that asking for a raise is stupid by walking into my boss’ office and asking for one.

Over 90% of American households bought a pie last week.  ***My house is running waaaaay behind on this.  I’ve got some catching up to do!

A Maryland public school district has fired one of its employees a week after one of her tweets for the district went viral. It seems on Jan. 5, a student sent a tweet directed at the Frederick County Public Schools Twitter account asking for schools to close “tammarow.” Katie Nash, who was in charge of running the school’s Twitter account, playfully tweeted back: “But then how would you learn how to spell ‘tomorrow?'” The tweet included a smiley face and was retweeted and liked more than 1,000 times . But then the district soon asked her to stop tweeting from its account, and then up and fired her.  ***Because the last thing we want to do is point out to our little snowflakes that they might be wrong about something and have an opportunity to better themselves through education.

30% of women in a recent survey say they won’t marry a man who has a bad credit score. ***Meanwhile, 70% of men won’t continue to date a woman who does a credit check before the first date.

An Oregon man recently found a year-old $1-million winning lottery ticket while cleaning his house. He re-discovered his ticket just eight days before it was set to expire.  ***Boy – if you never had a good reason to clean your house before, you certainly do now!

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A new study finds that blotting pizza with a napkin to remove excess grease can remove around 40 calories per slice.  ***Plus you then have a pizza-flavored napkin which is a great source of fiber.

An extensive study finds that American parents have stopped spanking their kids as much as they once did. ***Yeah, all the kids got smart and lawyered up.

While few people enjoy a trip to the dentist, it’s particularly bad for redheads, scientists have discovered. Carrot tops are twice as likely as blondes or brunettes to avoid the dentist because of fear related anxiety, says a report in the Journal of the American Dental Association. Researchers believe it’s because the gene melanocortin-1 receptor, which causes red hair, may be present in redheads’ brains, making them more susceptible to pain.  ***So lay off – it’s not my fault I’m a wussy-man.

A study by Bankrate.com finds that 76% of Americans do not have enough money set aside to survive a six-month emergency such as a job loss.  ***Poor souls.  I’m totally prepared for six months without a job – I have access to my neighbor’s wi-fi signal, a prepaid Netflix account, and a list of pizza delivery phone numbers.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational inspiration in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

CLOSE: My… what a coincidence, indeed! I can understand Millard admiring the horses’ shoes – but wanting some for himself? Can you imagine horseshoes – on a MONKEY? Tune in next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

It’s a Moment of Duh 30-years in the making!

The Daily Telegraph reports that for 30 years, residents of Elmswell, England, were annoyed by truck drivers pulling into the village and blocking the street while they asked where the bacon factory was. For all that time, they kept lobbying the county council for a sign directing drivers to the bacon factory. This week, a sign finally went up. But there was no celebrating because today, the bacon factory is closing.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN REDNECK INDICATORS… PATRIOTIC VERSION!

We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It’s time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country, and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I would gladly choose half dozen or so rednecks to back me up.

10. YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, “One nation, Under God…”

9. YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: You have never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

8.YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: You still say “Christmas” instead of “Winter Festival.”

7. YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: You bow your head when someone prays.

6.YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

5. YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: You treat all veterans, including Viet Nam vets, with great respect, and
always have.

4. YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: You know what you believe and you aren’t afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

3. YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

2. YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: You have never burned an American flag in protest.

1. YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: You would give your last dollar to a friend.

I guess I am a redneck after all..… and proud of it!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Doughnuts lead police to the criminals!

FILE #1: 21-year-old Adam Brett Hancock and 19-year-old Vincent Jonathan Whitley, both transients in Roseburg, OR, stole $900 worth of merchandise including doughnuts – and offered those donuts to a police officer. About an hour later the deputies were investigating a crime that included stolen doughnuts. Sometimes the genius crooks make a police officer’s job just too darned easy.

FILE #2: A 22 year old man stole a taser gun from a police cruiser, then videotaped himself and his father tasing each other with it and put the video on YouTube. Again, making the work of a police officer just too darned easy.

FILE #3: In Springfield, Massachusetts, Darrell Jenkins was arrested on counterfeiting charges and ordered to pay $500 bail. Unfortunately for Darrell, that figure has been raised to $5,000 after he tried to pay the original bail with counterfeit bills.

STRANGE LAW: Using profanity while talking about Country music singer Loretta Lynn is illegal in Kentucky.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

In addition to not operating heavy equipment, one should probably not commit burglary after taking medication.

…Such advice might have meant continued freedom for Bonifay, Florida’s Patrick Richard Hazell. A resident arrived home to find Hazell asleep on his bed with the occupant’s loaded .22-caliber handgun and other items he intended to take from the home. Hazell later told jailers he had taken a large number of muscle relaxants before attempting the crime.

PHONER PHUN

This is U.F.O. Day… have you ever seen one? Tell us about your experience!

In today’s history events we have a story with it… have you ever stuck your tongue to an icy metal pole and had it stick? What was it like? (audio clip)

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What is the name of the man who wanted to buy the ability to give the Holy Ghost to whomsoever he wanted?


ANSWER: Simon (Acts 8:18-19)

QUESTION: What does “to poll” mean?
ANSWER: To shave or cut hair (Mic. 1:16, 2 Sam. 14:26 AV)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Name a North American rodent that barks.

ANSWER: The prairie dog… it’s the only North American rodent that can bark.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Spain is ruled by monarchs. (True)

2. The head of Salmon P. Chase was on the U.S. $10,000 bill. (True)

3. Engastrimythos is a fancy name for Rope tricks. (False, Ventriloquism)

4. Rock star Lenny Kravitz is more famous than his mom was. Roxie Roker was a regular on the 1970’s TV show “Different Strokes”. (False, “The Jeffersons”)

5. Born Jeffrey Atkins, Ja Rule played Edwin in “The Fast and the Furious.” (True)

6. Steffi Graf won the French Tennis grand slam for women in 2002. (False, Serena Williams)

7. The movie “Short Circuit” features Fisher Stevens, Alley Sheedy, and Steve Guttenberg. (True)

8. Robert Wagner, star of the Austin Powers movies also played a werewolf on “Buffy The Vampire Slayer.” (False, Seth Green)

9. Rosie O’Donnell once called President George W. Bush, a war criminal. (True)

10. Friend’s star David Schwimmer’s mother was Pierre Trudeaus, press secretary, and his stepfather is anchorman Keith Morrison. (False, Matthew Perry) (audio clip)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

_______ SHARK (FLYING)

NEW ZEALAND –   An airline pilot was stunned to see a flying shark out his cockpit window!

The pilot of a an Air New Zealand flight, was on his descent to Christchurch International Airport on Boxing Day when he radioed ground control with an unlikely sighting – a shark flying at several thousand feet.

The fish out of water was identified great white – which was estimated to be 30 feet in weight and weighted approximately 5,000 pounds.  The pilot saw the shark five times as it approached the airport.  “It seemed to be circling us, waiting to attack or something,” said Captain Michael Stubben of Air New Zealand Flight #79.

A spokeswoman for Christchurch air traffic control, Monica Maron, said a pilot had reported the shark and its location about nine miles from the airport at 2pm on December 26.

“We advised subsequent traffic of its location, and the other pilots adjusted their routes.”

It was not yet known whether the sighting would be formally logged as an air-safety incident, she said.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: “Yes, Mother, I’ve had a hard day. Mary-Louise has been quite difficult…Yes, I know I ought to be more firm with her, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is…

“Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was hard to get along with and would make my life miserable, and you warned me not to marry her.
“Oh, how right you were about her!
“You want to speak with her? All right, hold on.”
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room, “Mary-Louise, your mother wants to talk to you!”

JOKE #2

A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on.
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong
feet.”

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.

The little boy then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

The teacher bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting
boots off.

He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”

She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”

He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”

JOKE #3

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.
When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had
already strained the tea.

The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.
”Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?” Johnny’s mother
asked.

“I couldn’t find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter,” he replied.

His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added:
”Don’t worry, Ma, I used the old one!”

USELESS FACTS

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.  ***Probably due to all of those wrong-handed scissors accidents.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.  ***Yet another excuse to avoid going to weddings.

FEATURED FUNNIES

GAVE AT THE OFFICE

During a flood an unfortunate fellow was sitting on top of his roof with the flood waters near the level of his eaves. As he sat there, he spotted a motor boat approaching with a man standing in the bow.  Shortly thereafter, the man raised a bull horn and yelled, “We’re from the Red Cross!”
The man then cupped his hands to his lips and yelled “I gave at the office!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

We’ve heard of long-distance messages, and we all know what it means to litter… but here’s a new one.  Long-distance littering! 

A sailor who sent a message in a bottle out to sea from Long Island, New York, says he got a reply all the way from England — from a guy who accused him of littering! 55-year-old Harvey Bennett said, “I kind of felt like no good deed goes unpunished.” The plastic bottle was one of five that he placed in the ocean off Long Island in August of 2006. Less than a year later, he excitedly opened a letter from England and was stunned by the reply. It read: “I recently found your bottle while taking a scenic walk on the beach by Poole Harbor. While you may consider this some profound experiment on the path and speed of oceanic currents, I have another name for it, litter.” The letter went on to say, “You Americans don’t seem to be happy unless you are mucking about somewhere.” It was signed by some guy named Henry Biggelsworth who clearly needs to lighten up just a bit.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

GETTING IT RIGHT
Have you ever messed up in your life? More importantly have you ever had to admit that you made a mistake or a wrong decision? Almost all of us can answer “yes” to at least one of those questions, but some mistakes are more obvious than others.
A minister shared this story about his life; “I loved to sing and was often asked to sing at special occasions for my church. One day something happened that totally blew me away. I came home visibly upset after consulting with a new widow about funeral plans for her recently deceased husband. My wife asked what was wrong, and I told her that the wife had asked me to sing her husband’s favorite song, “Jingle Bells,” at the funeral.
I was troubled that it wasn’t appropriate to the solemn occasion.  I struggled and prayed about it, and finally decided to honor the grieving widow’s wishes.
At the funeral, still sensitive about how some of the mourners might react to hearing “Jingle Bells” at a funeral, I carefully introduced the song with words about appreciating the sense of humor and lightheartedness of the deceased.
The widow had been very tearful during the service.  Hearing the introduction to her late husband’s “favorite song” she sat up and began to appear quite interested.  As I began the song, the widow began to smile, and her tears dried up.
She was actually giggling as I concluded, and I felt glad I’d decided to honor her request since it obviously had been so comforting.
After the service she thanked me for sharing my music ministry, and with a big grin she added, “By the way, the favorite song I requested you to sing was ‘When They Ring Those Golden Bells!'”
That may be at the top of his list of “life’s most embarrassing moments”, but a simple “I’m sorry” took care of the misunderstanding. Sometimes in life there are things that are more than just “misunderstandings”. There are times that we know something is wrong and we do it anyway. That my friend is called, “rebellion”! It’s funny that we have no trouble identifying a rebellious child, but can’t see that same problem in our own lives. Yet, it is a real problem, one with which each of us have to deal. The real problem is when we are dealing with a problem of rebellion towards God or His Word. The Psalmist writes in Psalms 32:6, “Therefore, let all the godly confess their rebellion to you while there is time that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment”. “Confess their rebellion that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment”. That carries with it the concept of “repentance”! Repentance is to stop what you are doing, turn around and go the other direction until you get it right.

2 Corinthians 7:10 tells us, “For godly sorrow brings about repentance that leads to salvation”.

–Russ Lawson, Greenville Church of Christ, Greenville, OH

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

TIGHT LINES

Read: Matthew 4:18-20

Always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear. —1 Peter 3:15

Fishermen sometimes bestow this blessing on one another: “May you keep a tight line,” by which we mean, “May you always have a trout on your line.”

As I’ve gotten older, however, I must confess that a tight line means less to me now than it once did. I get as much enjoyment from fishing as I do from catching.

When I’m fishing, I have more time to walk streamside and enjoy the solitude and silence, and to look for places where fish might be lurking. When I try too hard to catch, I lose too many fish and the enjoyment of the day.

Jesus calls us to be fishers of men, not catchers (Matthew 4:19). My job is to go where the fish are, walk among them, study their habitat, and learn their ways. And then to toss out a line and see if one rises to the surface. There’s more enjoyment in that easy effort, and I have better results.

So I want to fish for people, looking for opportunities to speak a word about Jesus, casting here and there, and leaving the results with God. It’s more calming for me and for the fish—the folks who might get spooked by my clumsiness.

Thus I now bless my fellow fishers with: “May you keep your line in the water.” Or, as another fisherman once put it, “Always be ready” (1 Peter 3:15). —David Roper

White are the fields for the harvest,

Workers are all too few;

Souls are awaiting the message—

Christ still depends on you. —Anon.

When you fish for souls, cast your nets in faith and draw them in with love.

LEFTOVERS

DID YOU EVER KNOW THAT YOU’RE MY HERO

The true story of a real hero. Just call her “Pollination Woman!”

A Berlin florist stopped an out-of-control bus by allowing her car to be rammed. Police say Gabriele Killic is a hero for driving in front of the bus, which was traveling at 45mph. The bus driver had apparently collapsed at the wheel from a stroke, with his foot stuck against the accelerator pedal. Gabriele decided she had to act as the bus headed towards a busy junction. She placed her Nissan Almera in front of the bus and braked, waiting to be rammed. “I saw it as the only way to slow it down,” she said. “I passed the bus and could see the driver slumped over the wheel. I put the brakes on in front and just waited for the bus to hit me. Then when it rammed into the back of me I kept the brakes on until the bus became slower and slower and finally stopped after almost half a kilometer.” Police say she prevented a disaster and saved the life of the 50-year-old bus driver. The bus was headed for one of the busiest intersections of the city at rush-hour in the evening. According to the police, loss of life and multiple injuries would have been inevitable had Mrs Killic not acted as she did. All because a florist decided to do something heroic. ***MARLAR: Now that’s what I call FLOWER POWER!

LIFE… LIVE IT

The rudest thing you can do at work is to use profanity.

…That’s the word from a recent Harris Interactive survey for Randstad USA about behaviors that interfere with work performance. Here’s the top 9 office etiquette pet peeves:

  • Using profanity, 91%

  • Being spoken to in a condescending tone, 44%

  • Public reprimand, 37%

  • Micromanaging, 34%

  • Loud talkers, 32%

  • Cell phones ringing at work, 30%

  • Using speakerphones in public areas, 22%

  • Personal conversations in the workplace, 11%

  • Using PDAs/smartphones during meetings, 9%

JUST FOR FUN

PRAY OVER MEALS

Most of us pray over meals, but when is the last time a restaurant actually suggested that you do so? That story is coming up in a few minutes!

A Methodist church in Mississippi has come up with a good recipe for patrons of three restaurants to “say a blessing” before their meals. For the last four months, Epworth United Methodist Church has placed laminated cards on the tables of Jackson eateries with a brief prayer, encouraging diners to thank God for their food. The “United Methodist News Service” reported the cards that were placed in small stands next to the salt, pepper and hot sauce have drawn a positive response from the owners of the restaurants, who are not associated with the church. One business owner even said, “Our business has picked up since we started putting the blessings on the tables.”

FUN LIST

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A MOM WHEN

  • Your feet stick to the kitchen floor and you don’t care.

  • When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone’s bleeding.

  • You can’t find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

  • You spend an entire week in sweatpants.

  • Your idea of a good day is making through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

  • Popsicles become a food staple.

  • Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

  • Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.

  • You’re willing to kiss your child’s boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.

  • You’re so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer and HE hangs up on YOU.

  • Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

  • You’re up each night until 10pm vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, cleaning sheets…etc.

  • You get up at 5:30am and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet you still manage to gain 10 pounds.

  • The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice krispie bars.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

What’s your favorite processed food product? We have a list of the worst, most unhealthy ones.

…Here’s a list from alternet.com, with their picks for worst, and most unhealthy, processed food:

  • Spray-Can ‘Easy Cheese’ – Easy Cheese has an amazing texture by containing lots of unhealthy crap, such as the stain-removing chemical trisodium phosphate and a healthy dose of canola oil that keeps the cheese from solidifying. Oh, and they also load Easy Cheese with about twice the amount of salt you’d normally find in natural cheddar cheese.

  • Oreo Cookie Death Filling – Oreo stuffing is basically sugar-flavored Crisco.

  • Condensed Soups – Consider that a mere half-cup of Campbell’s Vegetable Soup contains a heart-stopping 890 mg of sodium, or roughly 37 percent of your daily recommended sodium intake. The typical Campbell’s soup can contain one-and-a-half cups of soup, meaning that one can of soup contains more than 90 percent of your daily recommended sodium intake.

  • Spam – A meatlike goo that derives 80 percent of its calories from fat and that delivers a whopping 790 mg of sodium per two-ounce serving.

  • Artificially Flavored Blueberry Bits – like those found in frozen waffles. Their ingredients include sugar, dextrose, soybean oil, soy protein, salt, citric acid, cellulose gum, artificial flavor, malic acid, Red 40 Lake, Blue 2 Lake and… that’s it. Notice anything missing? Oh yeah: blueberries!

  • Kraft’s Avocado-Free Guacamole – There are no avocados in Kraft’s guacamole. Then what is it made of, you ask? How about some modified food starch, coconut and soybean oils, corn syrup, food coloring… in other words, you’re eating green-colored oil.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Luke and Hillary Gardner never have to worry about forgetting each other’s birthday. The married couple are both 27 and were born just six hours apart – both on December 18. Turns out it shouldn’t be hard for them to remember their new son’s birthday either. Cade Lee Gardner was born – you guessed it – on December 18th – 27 years to the day after his parents. It actually seems like it should be higher but the odds of that happening are about one in 133,000 according to statisticians say. For comparison, the odds of getting hit by lightening in your lifetime are about 1 in 12,000. Luke Gardner, an assistant pastor at a Baptist church in northeast Mississippi and a student at a nearby campus of New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary later joked, “If we have any more kids, if we don’t get pregnant in March, we’ll have to wait till the next year.” (Newser)

Looking for something to spice up your front yard? How about a new look for that straight, boring row of bushes. Yahoo news has released a look at some of the most interesting hedge creations. They range from the Beetles to a formula one race car, all done by sculpturing live bushes and plants.

https://www.yahoo.com/makers/over-the-hedge-18-topiaries-c1428431909026.html

Do you have old cell phones, laptops, or tablets around the house and you just don’t know what to do with them?  It doesn’t feel right to just throw them away – but nobody wants old technology.  So what do you do?  The Washington Post recently came out with an article to suggest what to do with those unwanted, outdated electronics – and in a few cases, you might be able to get some money for them. http://wapo.st/2iw7SJY

Do not shop when you’re sleepy. You are more likely to purchase high calorie grub it you are tired, a Swedish study reports. Sleep deprived men bought an average of 1,319 more calories’ worth of food than well rested guys did. Why? After a poor night’s sleep, your stomach produces extra ghrelin, an appetite hormone that can make food seem more appealing, says study author Christian Benedict, Ph.D.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Just think; if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JANUARY 13, 2017…

Live By Night—Opening from a previous date. Ben Affleck stars and directs this movie about gangsters and their rise to the top in Boston.  Based on a Dennis Lehane novel and set in the 1920’s. There is back-stabbing, love and the rest of crimes included. Also starring in the film are Sienna Miller, Elle Fanning and Zoe Saldana. “Live By Night” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Patriot’s Day—Based on the book “Boston Strong” by Casey Sherman and Dave Wedge, it tells a story of one man (Mark Wahlberg) who is on duty when the Boston Marathon bombings took place.  Heroes comes in all shapes and sizes and gender. Also in the cast are Kevin Bacon, John Goodman, J. K. Simmons and Michelle Monaghan. “Patriot’s Day” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

The Bye Bye Man—This is a supernatural thriller about something from the beyond that tries to possess people when they say its name, “Bye Bye Man.” The film stars Douglas Smith, Doug Jones, Carrie-Anne Moss and Faye Dunaway. “The Bye Bye Man” is rated R. No rating.

Monster Trucks—A 3-D stop-action film, it concerns a young man who wants some action in his life, so he builds a giant truck from spare parts. However, when a contaminated oil spill hits the truck, it develops a life of its own and calls itself “Creech.” Oh, yeah? Voices of Jane Levy, Rob Lowe and Danny Glover.” “Monster Trucks” is rated PG. No rating.

Elle—A French film and subtitled. Isabelle Huppert really takes on this role, which is a strong R rating  about a woman dealing with the aftermath of a rape.  She has her own way of doing things, and devious they are. As an occupation, she designs video games. Also in the cast are Charles Berling and Laurent Lafitte.“Elle” is rated R (could have been NC-17). No rating.

Sleepless—This is an action film starring Jamie Foxx and has him as a police officer who ends up unwittingly putting his son’s life in danger. Also in the cast are T. I., Michelle Monaghan and Dermot Mulroney. Adapted from the book “Sleepless Night” by F. Jardin, N. Saada and O. Douyere. “Sleepless” is rated R. No rating.

JANUARY 20, 2017…

Split is from M. Night Shyamalan, who hasn’t had much luck with films lately. This premise concerns kidnappings and a man with a split personality. Stars James McAvory.

XXX: Return of Xander Cage stars Vin Diesel (missed him??) in an action film

The Founder has Michael Keaton as the builder of McDonald’s. Opening from a previous date.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.