January 19, 2017: Thursday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170119

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! It’s part of your subscription now! Email me to get FTP access and your free customized tag!)

…..

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Before I bring you today’s (JOCK SHOW), I’d like to impress upon you that quality, excellence, and good taste aren’t everything.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride, beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” — Revelation 21:2-4

Live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. — Galatians 5:16

In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? — Psalm 56:4

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. — Genesis 1:1

Thought: We are creatures of the earth. Yes, we are much more than that, but occasionally we need to be reminded of that! We can’t truly understand existence before time, yet before the beginning of time as we know it, God existed — he has revealed himself as “I Am,” the one who was and who is and who is to come. Before there was an ordered universe to provide the basis of our existence, God is “I Am.” He had existence before, beyond, and without our created universe. We can’t even truly comprehend this in its entirety. That’s why every new beginning — whether it is a day, a week, a year, or a millennium — should begin with God. He alone is the ultimate Genesis, our beginning.

Prayer: Almighty Creator and God of all of the universe, I praise you for your incomparable power and your incomprehensible glory. As I begin this new year, I know that my future rests in your will, your grace, and your salvation. Please go with me as I journey toward this future. Please be glorified in the way I live my life today, this year, and for as long as you give me earthly life. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Jeremiah 1:19 NIV = They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you, declares the LORD.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – JANUARY 19, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
340 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is HORROR NOVELS ARE HORRENDOUS DAY, the birthday of Edgar Allan Poe, born on this date in 1809 and author of many horror tales.  ***My personal favorite of his is “The Tell-Tale Heart”.  Creepy!

Today is WHISPER I LOVE YOU DAY.

Today is TIN CAN DAY, marking the patent of a process for storing food in tin cans issued to Ezra Daggett and Thomas Kensett. ***Plus it made the game “Kick the Can” a whole lot easier.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Popcorn Day Link  (Alternate date: Super Bowl Sunday)
Robert E. Lee Day   Link
Thank Your Mentor Day  Link
Tin Can Day
World Day of Migrants and Refugees Link

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

FRIDAY, JANUARY 20

Camcorder Day
Data Innovation Day Link
International Fetish Day
National Cheese Lovers Day Link  Link
Penguin Awareness Day Link
Inauguration Day
National Disc Jockey Day Link  or (Link – go to 1958)
Women’s Healthy Weight Day Link

SATURDAY, JANUARY 21

National Hugging Day
Squirrel Appreciation Day

SUNDAY, JANUARY 22

Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day
Celebration of Life Day
National Bible Sunday Link  (4th Sunday)
Roe vs. Wade Day

MONDAY, JANUARY 23

National Handwriting Day Link
Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day

TUESDAY, JANUARY 24

Belly Laugh Day Link
Beer Can Day Link  Link
International Mobile Phone Recycling Day Link
National Compliment Day: 24
National Peanut Butter Day Link
Talk Like A Grizzled Prospector Day Link

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 25

A Room of One’s Own Day
Macintosh Computer Day Link
National Irish Coffee Day Link
Opposite Day Link
Robert Burns Day Link

THURSDAY, JANUARY 26

Dental Drill Appreciation Day
Lotus 1-2-3 Day
National Peanut Brittle Day Link
Toad Hollow Day of Encouragement

ON THIS DAY

1955: A presidential news conference was filmed for television for the first time, with the permission of President Eisenhower.

1957: Johnny Cash made his first network TV appearance, on “The Jackie Gleason Show.”

1977: University of Cincinnati guard Brian Williams roared in for a dunk but misjudged the distance and missed everything — except the head of referee Darrin Brown. It’s the only known slam-dunk air ball in basketball history.

1977: Charlie Daniels and the Marshall Tucker Band played for President Jimmy Carter’s inauguration. Aretha Franklin sang “God Bless America” at a special inaugural concert.

1978: The last U.S.-made Volkswagen Beetle rolled off the assembly line. Twenty years later, the Beetle was back. (audio clip)

1979: The last Donny & Marie show aired on ABC-TV. After 3½ seasons, Donny was 21, Marie was just 19. (audio clip)

1988: A statue of singer Janis Joplin was unveiled in her hometown, Port Arthur, Texas, on what would have been her 45th birthday.

1989: On his last day in office, Ronald Reagan pardoned New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, who had been convicted of contributing illegally in 1972 to Richard Nixon’s reelection campaign.

1992: In Bristol, England, Nigel Hayward was sentenced to six years in prison for robbing a bank and a savings and loan armed with a banana. In both cases, he convinced tellers the hidden banana was a gun.

1993: Fleetwood Mac reunited for the Inaugural Ball of President-elect Bill Clinton.

1997: An underwear factory in Moscow, facing a cash-flow crisis, began paying its workers in bras. An employee told Reuters news service she could earn 35 to 40 bras a month, which she could sell for $2.15 each, or 40% more than her regular salary.

1998: Rock pioneer Carl Perkins died in Jackson, Tennessee, at age 65. The guitar style on his 1956 hit “Blue Suede Shoes” (Sun 234) was copied by rockers worldwide.

2001: President Clinton acknowledged for the first time making false statements under oath about Monica Lewinsky. He also surrendered his law license for five years in a deal sparing himself possible indictment.

2003: At the Golden Globe Awards, “Chicago” won best musical-comedy and “The Hours” won best drama.

2006: Police reported a 73-year-old Italian woman in Pescara on the Adriatic coast had locked her mentally disturbed daughter in a darkened bathroom for 30 years. The 52-year-old daughter was found curled in a ball in a 7-by-9 foot tiled room. Police said the woman was fed leftovers and hosed down on a balcony as punishment. She reportedly was allowed out once a month with her mother to collect her pension.

2008: A Kansas teenager set his own pants on fire while torching an SUV in Olathe. A security camera caught the action, as the youth quickly removed his burning pants and boxer shorts and jumped into a getaway car. Police arrested the teen when he sought treatment at a local hospital.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1086: Canute the Great, the king of Denmark, is killed by his subjects. Though Denmark was already nominally Christian when he became king, he went to great lengths to revitalize the faith. He built and restored churches and monasteries and created laws protecting the clergy. But his “new order,” which included higher taxes and mandatory tithes, led to a revolt. Canute was reportedly killed in church while celebrating Mass, and he was declared a martyr and saint in 1101.

1649: England’s King Charles I, a devout Anglican with Catholic sympathies who staunchly defended the “divine right of kings” while oppressing the Puritans, is executed after being convicted of treason under a Puritan-influenced Parliament.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Stephanie “How rude” Tanner on TV’s “Full House”) Jodie Sweetin 35 (audio clip)

  • actor (TV’s “In Living Color”, Scary Movie, White Chicks) Shawn Wayans 46

  • actor (Dr. Robert Romano on TV’s “ER”) Paul McCrane 56 (audio clip)

  • comedian (Rat Race, Ali, A Cinderella Story) Paul Rodriguez 62

  • actor (and son of Desi Arnaz and Lucille Ball) Desi Arnaz Jr. 64

  • actress (“Coach”, “One Day at a Time”, “The Donna Reed Show”) Shelley Febares 73 (audio clip)

    actress (I Heart Huckabees, Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds) Tippi Hedren 82

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1908 : Ish Kabibble

1917 : John Raitt

1939 : Phil Everly (The Everly Brothers)

1941 : Joe Butler (The Lovin’ Spoonful)

1942 : Michael Crawford

1943 : Janis Joplin

1944 : Shelley Fabares

1944 : Laurie London

1945 : Rod Evans (Deep Purple)

1946 : Dolly Parton

1948 : Harvey Hinsley (Hot Chocolate)

1949 : Robert Palmer

1951 : Dewey Bunnell (America)

1953 : Desi Arnaz Jr.

1954 : Francis Buchholz (Scorpions)

1957 : Mickey Virtue (UB40)

1963 : Caron Wheeler (Soul II Soul)

1969 : Trey Lorenz

1971 : John Wozniak (Marcy Playground)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do we call informal names “nicknames?”

As I’m sure you have already guessed, the etymological source for this modern word is the Old English word, “eke,” meaning besides or in addition to. I know you can fill in the rest, but just for the record…

In the Middle Ages an eke name was a name in addition to your formal name. Most people did not have last names and in any village there might be more than one person with the same name — say, William. To avoid confusion, there would be William the blacksmith, William the tanner, etc. Those were their eke or additional names, a concept we’ve adopted for informally referring to any William as Bill – his additional name. Now what if I wrote and pronounced “an eke name” as “a neke name?” This linguistic looseness is called noncing. We arrived at the word “nickname” because over the years the words got slightly rearranged — a nodd phenomenon, to be sure.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Being married to your bandmate has its advantages. Jodi of Love and the Outcome posted: Dreaming and rehearsing an exciting new set for 2017. When you’re married you can do all this from home.
https://twittercom/loveandoutcome/status/820804732365180929/photo/1

 

Matthew West and Jordan Feliz spent a day together writing music at Matthew West’s cabin. However, Matthew noticed a trend. He posted: We had a great time, but he kept insisting that we go down to the river to pray.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BPYknh_jpfR/

 

Britt Nicole is an artist but she’s also a mom. She posted: After the show is the after party and the after party equals us watching movies on iPad! 

 

Mark Schultz posted a picture of his family’s groceries safely seatbelted into their van and ready for the trip home. He posted: When a bag of groceries costs this much, you treat it like part of the family. https://www.instagram.com/p/BPQxaa7D_Cp/

 

Plumb was feeling like a girl this week but that wasn’t necessarily a good thing. She posted a picture of a flat tire on their suburban this week and added: The Things That Happen To Me When My Husband Is Away. She added the hash tags I Need To Learn How To Change A Tire and I feel like such a girl right now.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BPVbt0PjVeo/

 

Brandon Heath said goodbye to a friend this week. He posted: You guys might remember my post almost a year ago about my friend Gene Cernan. He is the last man to walk on the moon. I spent a weekend with him in New York City for the premier of his movie Last Man on the Moon. I learned a lot from him in our brief time together. He was a pioneer and a hero, but he was very much a regular guy with regular challenges which I appreciated knowing both sides. He slipped through the surly bonds of Earth, once again today. To heaven this time, hoping he got another glimpse of Earth on his way.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BPWF2rEBPMp/

 

Third Day front man Mac Powell will be one of the artists featured this week on NRA TV. The series premier of Sessions will air tonight (Thursday). It will feature the Veterans Day performance by Craig Morgan with special guests Mac Powell and Taya Kyle. The program will air at both 10:30am and 7:30pm CT.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

An Oregon (Portland) woman’s Subaru was stolen right outside her home Tuesday. But not really. The day after it vanished it was returned with a note that read: “So sorry I stole your car. I sent my friend with my key to pick up my red Subaru and she came back with your car.” The note came with $30 in cash for gas money.  ***Wait… so Subaru gives their cars the same key?  Shouldn’t that be the headline here?

(Hey, kids… what time is it?  TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS! Totally outrageous!)  In Harrison Township, New Jersey, police recently arrested 25-year-old Brittany Carulli after she was allowed to enter the ambulance where her boyfriend’s body was laying after being fatally struck by a car. The medic took pity on Carulli and let her inside the ambulance to sit with her boyfriend and grieve. She repaid the medic’s kindness by allegedly stealing his wallet from inside the ambulance. (TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS! Totally outrageous!)

Police in South Dakota arrested 38-year-old pilot Russel Duszak just 30 minutes before a Delta Flight departure after a TSA agent reported that he smelled like booze. Duszak was found to have a blood alcohol content of more than 0.04 and was placed under arrest for operating an aircraft under the influence of alcohol.  ***How about we force pilots to blow into a tube before starting the airplane’s engine?  I mean, if we can do that with cars… why not something even more potentially dangerous like a flying bus?

President-elect Trump says that his first day of work as president will be on Monday.  ***So if you’re planning on attacking the USA, this coming Saturday and Sunday is your best opportunity.

Donald Trump may have a point about paid protesters. Job ads running in more than 20 cities offer $2,500 per month for agitators to demonstrate at tomorrow’s presidential inauguration events. Demand Protest, a San Francisco company that bills itself as the “largest private grassroots support organization in the United States,” posted identical ads Jan. 12 in multiple cities on Backpage.com seeking “operatives.”  ***Can you really label yourselves as a grassroots support organization if you have to pay people to show their support?

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

New research shows that the reason people keep shoving money into slot machines is because slot machines are designed to make so much noise, in a sense begging for more money. ***Like teenagers!

Before you post your profile on Match.com, have someone check your grammar. According to the Wall Street Journal, many singles are picky about the grammar gaffes they’re seeing on dating sites.  ***You don’t want to be in a situation where you have to explain why you like “Lone moonlike walks on the breach.”

There’s a new date for the end of the world. It’s now the year 2,000,002,015. A Scottish researcher (Jack O’Malley-James) says too little carbon dioxide will cause the death of animals and plants. In a billion years, he believes animals and plants will die-off. Then, another billion years after, with the loss of our oceans, Earth becomes even too desolate for even tiny microbes.  ***Doggone it – why did I agree to buy the extended warranty on my home’s solar panels?

Researches now say it’s healthier to walk along a busy road and breathe in exhaust fumes than it is to sit inside your air-conditioned car. Blame it on unfiltered air from exhaust fumes and chemicals from car seats, audio equipment and air fresheners. It’s bad news for those with a long commute as they say the bad interior air can cause cancer and respiratory diseases. They recommend opening your car’s windows, but only along country roads.  ***I’ve been down country roads – and those smells can also make you sick.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Millard saw some horses pass by and couldn’t help but admire their shoes. He even proclaimed his desire for a pair of those beautiful horseshoes out loud – and it was at that moment that a small badger appeared and told Millard that he could be of assistance…

CLOSE: Well, it looks like Gruffy may end up with a new pair of shoes now as well! What a great salesman that badger is! Come to think of it, I could use a new pair of shoes myself. Join us next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A Walgreen’s drug store clerk in Denver, Colorado, might want to think about finding a better weapon.

Police report that a man with a barbed wire tattoo on his neck threatened the clerk with what appeared to be Mace or a stun gun and demanded money. The clerk fought back, and the two struggled. The thief apparently decided to give up and started to run out when the clerk grabbed the first weapon he could find and threw it at the robber. It was the cash register drawer. The thief stopped to scoop the money off the floor, then fled.   ***MARLAR: The clerk must be a Liberal… he tried to solve the crime problem by throwing money at it.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN INDICATORS IT’S TIME TO GO ON A DIET

10. You dance and it makes the band skip.

9.You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

8. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

7.You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

6. Your driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.”

5. You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

4. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

3. You could sell shade.

2.Your blood type is Ragu.

1. You need an appointment to attend an ‘open house’.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Be polite in Poland!

FILE #1: This is no Polish joke. Police in Poland are trying to force citizens to stop swearing by handing out $160 fines. Officers say they have already collected thousands of dollars and they say the country is more “peaceful” as a result. The fines were introduced after a growing number of complaints that there was too much foul language being used in public. Witold Marczuk, the head of the Warsaw City Police said that he and his officers noticed an increase in swearing on the streets but until now had merely “talked to people and given them a small lecture.” However the fine thing seems to be working so well they may continue it well into the next year.

FILE #2: Police in Blue Springs, Missouri, got an early morning call from a man who said his girlfriend was having trouble breathing. They discovered she had a cell phone stuck in her throat. Turned out the man wanted the phone, she refused and to keep him from getting it, she put it in her mouth and tried to swallow it.

FILE #3: Officials at the HMP Kirkham prison in Lancashire, England admit it wasn’t the best thought out plan. Prisoners who were willing to volunteer to help make Christmas lunch for elderly people at a local day center were given the opportunity to purchase a raffle ticket for $2 bucks. And the grand prize of the raffle — getting out of jail for one day! The head warden of the prison claims he was unaware of the prize. Prison officials say the promotion was designed to encourage good behavior. But the get-out-of-jail-free card has since been withdrawn as a prize.

STRANGE LAW: In the state of North Dakota, beer and pretzels cannot be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

How do you keep the police from taking evidence from you?  Eating the evidence is one idea… but you might want to bring something to wash it down with if you’re planning on swallowing cash.

A Russian man who was caught trying to bribe a policeman tried to destroy the evidence by eating the money.  The man, from Ussurisk, was already facing minor drug charges when he approached his investigating officer and offered him £1,200 cash to drop the case.  But when the officer refused the bribe, the alleged drug-dealer began scoffing the notes to destroy evidence of the attempted bribe.  He managed to eat one banknote before being arrested and charged with attempting to bribe a public official.  Head of the anti-drugs squad Ivan Chaika said: “This is not the first time someone has tried to bribe one of my men, but it’s the first time I can remember someone ever trying to eat the evidence.”  ***MARLAR: The man is now pleading insanity, saying he heard his mother’s voice telling him to eat his greens…

PHONER PHUN

Why is it that only women have bridal showers? Shouldn’t there be groom showers too? If there were, what would the gifts be?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: From what mountain did Moses see all of the promised land?

ANSWER: Mount Nebo (Deuteronomy 32:49-50)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Adorned with classical columns, what structural addition did Thomas Jefferson have made to the White House during his term in office?

ANSWER: A hen house.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. “LCD” stands for Liquid Crystal Display. (True)

2. In the Peanuts comics, the catcher on the gang’s baseball team was Linus. (False, Schroeder)

3. Irene Lorenzo was Edith Bunker’s wealthy liberal cousin from Tuckahoe, New York. (False, Maude Finlay)

4. My great-grandfather was Herbert Henry Asquith, Britain’s prime minister during the beginning of World War I, I am Peter O’Toole. (False, Helena Bonham Carter)

5. A February 2001 episode of the “Today Show” featured five births on live TV. (False, Good Morning America)

6. In 1970 Paul McCartney’s first solo album was called “McCartney”. (True)

7. The Oscars are presented by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. (False, Golden Globes)

8. Melanie Griffith starred in “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”, as well as “Atlantic City”, and “The Client.” (False, Susan Sarandon)

9. Mel Gibson’s father was not only a New York rail brakeman, but also the “Jeopardy” grand champion for 1968. (True)

10. TV series “Welcome Back, Kotter” made a star out of John Travolta. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

WATCHING PAINT DRY __________ (COMPETITION / CHAMPIONSHIPS)

The first International World Watching Paint Dry Championship is being held over the next two months.  Competition is stiff.

Watching paint dry isn’t as boring as it sounds with people around the world posting pictures of themselves staring at walls in order to be crowned the World Watching Paint Dry champion.

The competition has proved popular across the globe, with contestants from the US, India, Russia, Brazil, Australia, China and Hungary all posting pictures of their paint-watching escapades.

Those looking to compete in the championships must send in a photo of themselves watching paint dry and state the longest time they’ve managed to stare at a wall of drying paint without looking away.  The organizers will then invite the top 64 paint watchers from around the world to a small town in central England where the paint watching elimination tournament will take place.

In the preliminary rounds, a wall will be painted with the favorite color of each contestant and they will have to stare at the wall for as long as they can.  There is a five-minute break every hour. If the paint dries before a contestant gives up, they must continue staring at the wall until all contestants have been eliminated.

In the semi-finals and finals, contestants will stare at a wall painted with a color they dislike and they must stand within six feet of the other competitor.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A standup comedian comes home to a burned down house.  His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside.  “What happened, honey?” the comic asks.

“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps.  “I was cooking, the phone rang.  It was your agent.  Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove had caught on fire.  It went up in seconds.  Everything is gone.  I nearly didn’t make it out of the house.  Poor Fluffy is gone…”

“Wait!  Back up a minute,” the comedian says.  “My agent called?”

JOKE #2

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up
suspiciously at her husband. “Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from Mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that
she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”

“Ah, yes, I did,” said the husband. “But I couldn’t spell convenience,
so I made it risk.”

JOKE #3

A visitor once asked, “Does it ever rain in Arizona?”

A rancher quickly answered, “Yes, it does. Do you remember in the Bible
where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?”

The visitor replied, “Yes, I’m familiar with Noah’s flood.”

“Well,” the rancher puffed up, “We got about two and a half inches of that.”

USELESS FACTS

Macadamia nuts are not sold in their shells because it takes 300 pounds per square inch of pressure to break the shell.  ***Kinda makes you wonder how we ever found out they were delicious, doesn’t it?  “Hey – there’s a rock… I’m going to try and break it open and see if anything inside tastes good!”

7 out of 10 British dogs get Christmas gifts from their doting owners.  ***The remaining three British dogs have owners that realize their dogs have no concept of Christmas.

FEATURED FUNNIES

SILENT BREAK-IN

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Can a screwdriver save a man’s life? 

The family of a man in Hilo, Hawaii, is suing a doctor for implanting a screwdriver into his neck. During the surgery, Dr. Robert Ricketson asked the nurse to pass him a titanium rod for insertion, and she told him they were out. He allegedly felt he couldn’t keep the man under anesthetic with an unstable neck any longer, so he cut the shaft off a screwdriver on the instrument table and used that. The nurse claimed she was sent out of the room and told to keep quiet. The man gave Local News 6 an X-ray to prove he has a screwdriver in his neck.   ***MARLAR: I think a screwdriver is appropriate for this guy.  The doctor saved the guy’s life, and he’s SUING!  He MUST have a screw loose.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE GIFT

A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer’s showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.

As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car.

Finally, on the morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautifully wrapped gift box. Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible.

Angrily, he raised his voice at his father and said, “With all your money, you give me a Bible?” and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy book.

Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him.

He had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care of things.

When he arrived at his father’s house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. He began to search his father’s important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible, and began to turn the pages.

As he read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer’s name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words … PAID IN FULL.

How many times do we miss God’s blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

A WORK OF PEACE

Read: James 3:13-18

The fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. —James 3:18

The small church in Umbarger, Texas, was an unlikely place for an international work of art. But toward the end of World War II, seven Italian prisoners of war, who were being held at a large camp nearby, were chosen to help decorate the church’s plain brick walls.

The prisoners were reluctant to aid their captors, but they agreed on the condition that their efforts be considered a contribution toward Christian brotherhood and understanding. But as they worked on their paintings and a woodcarving of the Last Supper, one of the POWs later recalled, “A spontaneous stream of good feelings began almost at once to flow among us.” No one spoke of the war or the past because “we were here for a work of peace and love.”

Our lives are filled with unlikely settings for introducing God’s peace. We can feel imprisoned by hard feelings, strained relationships, and confining circumstances. But peace has the power to break out anywhere. James reminded us that “the wisdom that is from above is . . . peaceable, gentle, willing to yield . . . . The fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace” (James 3:17-18).

Wherever we are today, let’s ask the Lord to use us as His peacemakers. —David McCasland

O Prince of Peace, keep us, we pray,
From strife and enmity;
Help us to speak with loving words
That calm hostility. —Branon

The best peacemakers are those who know the peace of God.

LEFTOVERS

YOUR HEALTH IN THE FUTURE

How are we going to be eating in the future? WHAT will we be eating in the future?

In 25 years, dark chocolate, already recognized as both yummy and good for you, will be commonplace, while milk chocolate will be largely history. We also know red wine is good for you and more people will be drinking that as well. They say that down the road, those nasty trans fats will have been eliminated entirely from the food supply and food-borne infections will be drastically reduced. They also predict that 40 to 50 percent of us will be vegetarian. Plus, when you get a checkup, the doctor will prescribe what foods and supplements will be best for you. Your multivitamin and mineral supplements will be personalized for you depending on your age, and obesity and diabetes rates will have been steadily declining for 15 years.

LIFE… LIVE IT

How many minutes of exercise per week do you need to lose weight?

Scientists at the University of Pittsburgh have calculated how many minutes of exercise are needed to lose weight and keep it off. Researchers said you need 275 minutes per week. That’s 55 minutes a day, five days a week. When 200 women were given no more than 1,500 calories a day and told to exercise five days a week, the women who exercised for 275 minutes per week kept 10% or more of their original body weight off for two years.

JUST FOR FUN

BABY GENIUS
When you were a kid what did you want to be when you grew up? Four-year-old Priya Purewal of Irving, Texas, wants to be a neurosurgeon.

While most kids her age probably have no clue what a neurosurgeon is, Priya has a pretty good shot of being one someday. Priya’s IQ has been measured at between 148 and 170, placing her in the top two percent of the population. Priya was reading before she was even one and is now the latest child member of the high-IQ Mensa society.  ***MARLAR: Meanwhile, an overwhelming majority of kids at the other end of the IQ-scale say that when they grow up they want to be disc jockeys and stand up comedians.

FUN LIST

PROVERBS FOR TODAY

  • Home is where you hang your @

  • The Email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

  • A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

  • You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.

  • Great groups from little icons grow.

  • Speak softly and carry a cell phone.

  • Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

  • The modem is the message.

  • Too many clicks spoil the browse.

  • The geek shall inherit the earth.

  • There’s no place like http://www.home.com

  • Don’t byte off more than you can view.

  • Fax is stronger than fiction.

  • What boots up must come down.

  • Windows will never cease.

  • Virtual reality is its own reward.

  • Modulation in all things.

  • Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the net and he wont bother you for weeks.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

THE BRICK

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared.  Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag’s side door!  He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown. The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting, ‘What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing? That’s a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?’ The young boy was apologetic.  ‘Please, mister…please, I’m sorry but I didn’t know what else to do,’ He pleaded. ‘I threw the brick because no one else would stop…’ With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. ‘It’s my brother, ‘he said ‘He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can’t lift him up.  Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, ‘Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He’s hurt and he’s too heavy for me.  Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay. ‘Thank you and may God bless you,’ the grateful child told the stranger. Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.  It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door. He kept the dent there to remind him of this message: ‘Don’t go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!’ God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes when we don’t have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at us. It’s our choice to listen or not.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

FOUR SIGNS YOU NEED TO LEARN TO SLOW DOWN

4 signs you need to learn to slow down from Relevant Magazine.

1. You Feel Like You’re in Your Glory When You’re Busiest.

2. You’re More Fascinated With Gadgets Than With God.

3. Your Favorite Compliment Has Become, “Wow. You’re Always so Busy.”

4. You Don’t Have Time for the Ones You Love.

http://darrenmarlar.com/2015/01/18/4-signs-you-need-to-slow-down/

President-elect Donald Trump will swear on two different Bibles during his inauguration ceremony at the United States Capitol tomorrow (Friday, Jan 20), one of which will be the same Bible used by Abraham Lincoln during his first inauguration. The Presidential Inauguration Committee announced that Trump, who will be sworn in as the 45th president, will also use his own Bible.
http://fb.me/6PYbsHfBJ

The D.B. Cooper case baffled investigators for decades. Now, scientists have a new theory. http://wapo.st/2iuf23c

Woman with brain cancer is set to run seven marathons in seven days on seven continents. 
http://abcn.ws/2iFrM5q

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.
–Charles Kuralt

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JANUARY 13, 2017…

Live By Night—Opening from a previous date. Ben Affleck stars and directs this movie about gangsters and their rise to the top in Boston.  Based on a Dennis Lehane novel and set in the 1920’s. There is back-stabbing, love and the rest of crimes included. Also starring in the film are Sienna Miller, Elle Fanning and Zoe Saldana. “Live By Night” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

Patriot’s Day—Based on the book “Boston Strong” by Casey Sherman and Dave Wedge, it tells a story of one man (Mark Wahlberg) who is on duty when the Boston Marathon bombings took place.  Heroes comes in all shapes and sizes and gender. Also in the cast are Kevin Bacon, John Goodman, J. K. Simmons and Michelle Monaghan. “Patriot’s Day” is rated R. Rating of 3 for fans.

The Bye Bye Man—This is a supernatural thriller about something from the beyond that tries to possess people when they say its name, “Bye Bye Man.” The film stars Douglas Smith, Doug Jones, Carrie-Anne Moss and Faye Dunaway. “The Bye Bye Man” is rated R. No rating.

Monster Trucks—A 3-D stop-action film, it concerns a young man who wants some action in his life, so he builds a giant truck from spare parts. However, when a contaminated oil spill hits the truck, it develops a life of its own and calls itself “Creech.” Oh, yeah? Voices of Jane Levy, Rob Lowe and Danny Glover.” “Monster Trucks” is rated PG. No rating.

Elle—A French film and subtitled. Isabelle Huppert really takes on this role, which is a strong R rating  about a woman dealing with the aftermath of a rape.  She has her own way of doing things, and devious they are. As an occupation, she designs video games. Also in the cast are Charles Berling and Laurent Lafitte.“Elle” is rated R (could have been NC-17). No rating.

Sleepless—This is an action film starring Jamie Foxx and has him as a police officer who ends up unwittingly putting his son’s life in danger. Also in the cast are T. I., Michelle Monaghan and Dermot Mulroney. Adapted from the book “Sleepless Night” by F. Jardin, N. Saada and O. Douyere. “Sleepless” is rated R. No rating.

JANUARY 20, 2017…

Split is from M. Night Shyamalan, who hasn’t had much luck with films lately. This premise concerns kidnappings and a man with a split personality. Stars James McAvory.

XXX: Return of Xander Cage stars Vin Diesel (missed him??) in an action film

The Founder has Michael Keaton as the builder of McDonald’s. Opening from a previous date.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.