January 23, 2017: Monday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170123

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW), where we put the ‘K’ in ‘illiterate!’

Ask me about my attention deficit disorder or pie or my cat. A dog. I have a bike. Do you like TV? I saw a rock. Hi.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. –Psalm 37:4-6 NIV

Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit will reap eternal life.” — Galatians 6:7-8

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. — Romans 5:6-7

Thought: Christ died for the ungodly. Christ died for me. Without his sacrificial death, without God’s grace, I am powerless to save myself or make myself righteous. Jesus did for me what I could not do and paid off my debt to sin which I could not pay. He did it for me; not because I was good enough to be worthy of his death, but because I couldn’t be worthy without him.

Prayer: Loving God, thank you. Sacrificial Savior, I praise you. Words cannot express my thanks for the gift of your grace that cost so much and yet means so much to me. All honor, glory, and praise to my Father who sits on the throne and my Lord Jesus who went to the cross and in whose name I offer my thanks. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Peter 1:23 NIV = For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God.

TODAY IS MONDAY – JANUARY 23, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
336 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL PIE DAY, sponsored by the American Pie Council.  ***You know, it has been almost a week since I’ve had pumpkin pie… (And now, for the next 3.14 seconds we will have a brief moment of silence. Okay, now back to the show.)

Today is COLD, COLD, COLD DAY! Think it’s cold now? HA! The coldest temperature ever recorded in the United States was at Prospect Creek Camp, Alaska, in 1971: a record 79.8 degrees below zero Fahrenheit… and that’s not counting the wind-chill. ***Where is global warming when you need it?

Today is NATIONAL SPEAK UP AND SUCCEED DAY. ***Yet, in school I succeeded at speaking up – and it always got me into trouble.

Today is NATIONAL MEASURE YOUR FEET DAY. If you want to know what someone is really like, take a look at their feet, according to Dr. Nancy Sax, the world’s leading personality on feet analysis.

  • Second toe larger than the others: You’re the dependable, conservative type who always keeps your emotions in check. These types fare very well in the fields of medicine, banking and science. They’re good providers, but don’t expect any excitement or fireworks.
  • Big third toe: Look out! These unpredictable types have hot-and-cold personalities, they’re totally charming one moment then erupt in a volcanic fit of anger the next.
  • Big baby toe: These people spread sunshine wherever they go.
  • Long toes: The sign of great intellectual capacity – these are the thinkers of the world. Authors, philosophers and great world leaders often have very long toes.
  • Little toes: These folks don’t like to make a scene. But their little toes don’t mean you can walk all over them! When backed up against the wall, they’ll stand up and fight.
  • Wide feet: These folks are the backbone of society, the hard workers who have strong family values and dedication to their church, family and community.
  • Narrow feet: The shy, quiet type who don’t like to draw attention to themselves. Beneath the shy exteriors is a relaxed, well-balanced person.
  • Webbed toes: A fun person who won’t duck a good time! These extroverts are the life-of-the party types and make great salesmen and entertainers. (audio clip)

TODAY IS ALSO…
National Handwriting Day Link
Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

TUESDAY, JANUARY 24

Belly Laugh Day Link
Beer Can Day Link  Link
International Mobile Phone Recycling Day Link
National Compliment Day: 24
National Peanut Butter Day Link
Talk Like A Grizzled Prospector Day Link

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 25

A Room of One’s Own Day
Macintosh Computer Day Link
National Irish Coffee Day Link
Opposite Day Link
Robert Burns Day Link

THURSDAY, JANUARY 26

Dental Drill Appreciation Day
Lotus 1-2-3 Day
National Peanut Brittle Day Link
Toad Hollow Day of Encouragement

FRIDAY, JANUARY 27

Auschwitz Liberation Day
Fun at Work Day
Holocaust Memorial Day
International Day of Commemoration in Memory of the Victims of the Holocaust Link
National Big Wig Day Link
National Geographic Day
National Pre-school Fitness Day Link
Thomas Crapper Day
Viet Nam Peace Day

SATURDAY, JANUARY 28

A.F.R.M.A. Fancy Rat & Mouse Day
Data Privacy Day Link  Link
National Kazoo Day Link
National Seed Swap Day
Thank A Plugin Developer Day Link
Visit Your Local Quilt Shop Day

SUNDAY, JANUARY 29

Curmudgeons Day
Freethinkers Day
National Puzzle Day Link
Seeing Eye Dog Day
Thomas Paine Day
World Leprosy Day

MONDAY, JANUARY 30

Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day Link and Link
Croissant Day Link
Inane Answering Message Day

ON THIS DAY

1933: Actress Arlene Golonka was born in Chicago. She played Millie Swanson for three seasons on CBS’s “Mayberry R.F.D.”

1922: At Toronto General Hospital, 14-year-old Canadian Leonard Thompson became the first person to receive an insulin injection as treatment for diabetes.

1941: Artie Shaw and his orchestra recorded “Moonglow.”

1942: Earl Tupper bought his first manufacturing plant. In no time he was making covered dishes that burped. That’s right… Tupperware! ***Ironic that the dishes made the exact same burping sound that Mrs. Tupper did at the dinner table.

1944: The Detroit Red Wings set a hockey record for consecutive goals scored in one game and walloped the New York Rangers 15-0.

1964: A surgical team at the University of Mississippi Medical Center in Jackson transplanted a chimpanzee’s heart into a 64-year-old human patient. The heart beat for 90 minutes. ***The ribbing from the guy’s friends about his being a monkey’s uncle, however, lasted the rest of his life.

1964: The 24th amendment to the U.S. Constitution, eliminating the poll tax in federal elections, was ratified. (audio clip)

1970: The judge at the infamous trial of the Chicago Seven denied witness Judy Collins permission to “sing” her testimony. ***You see, there is STILL a sense of justice in the world!

1977: The most watched TV program in history began on ABC-TV. It was a mini-series based on the Alex Haley novel “Roots.”

1982: Singing duo Daryl Hall and John Oates were awarded their first platinum album for “Private Eyes.”

1985: O.J. Simpson became the first Heisman Trophy winner to be elected to pro football’s Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio.

1994: In a Toronto hospital, singer Billy Joel avoided emergency surgery by passing a kidney stone.

1996: Police in Colombo arrested two employees of Sri Lanka’s leading cancer center for using the hospital’s X-ray machine to heat “geuda” stones and turn them into blue sapphires. ***It wasn’t such a big deal until they started experimenting on kidney stones.

1999: The National City Bank in suburban Columbus, Ohio, was robbed by a bandit in a black cap, blue pajamas, and bedroom slippers. He didn’t even wear a mask. No one was hurt.

2001: The skeleton of a would-be burglar was found lodged in the chimney of a Natchez, Mississippi, gift shop. The discovery solved the case of a man who disappeared in 1985. The fully clothed remains of the 27-year-old man, carrying identification, were found by workers renovating the building. Investigators believed he became trapped, possibly injured, while trying to enter the gift shop through the chimney.

2004: The situation comedy “Friends” filmed its final episode in front of an invitation-only audience. (audio clip)

2005: Former ”Tonight Show” host Johnny Carson died at age 79.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1786: John Carroll, who would become America’s first Roman Catholic bishop, founds the Catholic academy that is now Georgetown University.

1875: Death of Charles Kingsley, rector of the Church of England and novelist. Among his best known works was Westward Ho. He was heavily engaged in the religious controversies and movements of his day.

1886: George Müller and his wife sail into Port Jackson Harbor, Sydney, Australia for a tour.

1890: Death of Neesima Shimeta, Japanese Evangelist. Ignorant of the gospel, he was so determined to find out more that he contrived to escape from Japan (a capital offense), come to America and receive an education in the gospel. Back in Japan, he founded a Christian school.

1893: Episcopal minister Phillips Brooks, bishop of Massachusetts, staunch abolitionist, substitute evangelist for D.L. Moody, and author of “O Little Town of Bethlehem,” dies. He was considered the most “considerable American preacher of his generation.”

1918: The Soviets separate church and state. The Russian Orthodox Church had played an important role in government for centuries.

1945: Helmuth James von Moltke is executed by the Nazis. He is told that “the only trouble with you is you are a Christian.”

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (“Saved By The Bell,” “Beverly Hills 90210”) Tiffini-Amber Thiessen 42 (audio clip)

  • actress (daughter of Jane Mansfield, and plays Olivia Benson on “Law & Order: SVU”) Mariska Hargitay 52

  • actor (“MacGyver,” “Stargate SG-1”) Richard Dean Anderson 66 (audio clip)

  • actress (“One Life to Live,” Chicago) Chita Rivera 83

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1910 : Jean “Django” Reinhardt

1938 : Eugene Church

1943 : Millie Jackson

1948 : Anita Pointer (The Pointer Sisters)

1948 : Joe Dowell

1948 : Pat Simmons (The Doobie Brothers)

1950 : Bill Cunningham (The Box Tops)

1950 : Danny Federici (E Street Band)

1953 : Robin Wayne Zander (Cheap Trick)

1955 : Reggie Calloway (Calloway)

1959 : Earl Falconer (UB40)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

When things go awry, why will there “be the devil to pay?”

I always thought this was a rip off. Here you are having a hard time to begin with, and then old horny-head butts in demanding some kind of compensation. What’s his fee? They never tell you. Is it tax deductible? I asked my accountant and even he didn’t know. Now here’s a surprise. The expression has nothing to do with Lucifer! Let us return to the days of sailing ships. The seams on these old wooden vessels were called devils. Caulking or sealing the seams was known as “paying” them. The only way you could get at the devil to pay it was to bring the ship in at high tide so that the bottom rested on the sand. But if you didn’t work fast enough and the tide went out, you still had the devil to pay but no way of doing it. Truly, a devil of a spot!

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Matthew West will release his new book “Hello My Name Is” on April 18. Matthew posted: Writing this book helped me rediscover my own identity as a child of the one true King. I am praying that it does the same for you!  http://matthewwest.co/HelloMyNameIs

Winter is a little different in Texas than in much of the rest of the country. Texas resident Micah Tylerrecently posted a picture of his home state that proclaimed: I survived Texas Winter-January 6-8, 2017.

 

Mandisa says she was so convicted by her devotions recently. She posted: I never thought about the fact that even though Caleb was faithful to God (Numbers 13), he was still forced to wander in the desert 40 years with those who were unfaithful. It wasn’t until he was 85 that he got his reward (Joshua 14)! If it were me, I imagine I would’ve been discouraged, complaining, and questioning God about that. But I want to have the kind of faith Caleb had. As long as I’m still here, and there’s still breath in my body, my story is still being written. May I read like a story of God’s faithfulness!
https://www.instagram.com/p/BPc526wh6Jf/

Congratulations to Danny Gokey. His manager informed him last week that his name is the #1 trending search on iTunes.  https://www.instagram.com/p/BPbNuW9hXVX/

 

Jamie Grace is selling the drum kit she used in her Do Life Big music video. She says the money will go to help pay for her mom’s medical expenses through her Go Fund Me campaign. Send an email to team@jamiegrace.com for information.

Casting Crowns: It’s a new year, and the one thing we can know for certain is that the Lord reigns over all and in all. As the year progresses, we encourage you to live in that truth on the days that it is easy but especially on the days that it is difficult.

Tenth Avenue North guitarist Jeff Owens: 
Q: when you experience deja vu do you think:
A) Dread-“wait a second…somethings not right”
B) Joy-“this is awesome! What happens next?!?!”

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Donald Trump pledged to “Make America Great Again” during his 2016 presidential campaign. And before he’s even had a chance to make good on that promise, he’s already looking towards the future.  He has asked his lawyer to trademark the slogans “Keep America Great” and “Keep America Great!” for when he runs for re-election in 2020. ***Good to know he has his priorities straight in this first 100 days.

In Michigan, a man with 13 drunk driving convictions has been arrested on suspicion of a 14th offense.  ***What is this guy still doing on the road?  13 drunk driving convictions?  Once you hit the second one you should be stripped of your license.  On number three, you go to jail for three years.  Conviction number four… four years.  By the time you hit 13 you should’ve spent so much time in prison you’ve forgotten both how to drink OR drive.

It has been announced that Lowe’s is trimming management and eliminating 2400 managers’ positions throughout their stores.  Meanwhile, Pizza Hut announced they’re going to be hiring 11,000 workers.   ***Great news for pizza lovers –thanks to their previous management experience at a home improvement store, your pizzas will be more stable and sturdy than ever!

They say that Lady Gaga has been preparing for her Super Bowl performance in her back yard.  ***That must be one heck of a big back yard.

Mariah Carey and Elton John recently performed at the wedding of the daughter of a Russian billionaire.  ***Let me see if I got this straight. You won’t perform for at the inauguration of the Donald Trump as President of the United States because you don’t approve of him – but you will perform for Russia, the country accused of hacking the U.S. Presidential election helping Trump to get into office?  Do I got that right?  Hmm… okay.

There were rumors that the long-time NBC soap opera “Days of our Lives” was canceled, but a network official says, “Not yet.” ***Because we still have, like, 15 people watching it.

New Hampshire State Police stopped a 21-year-old woman accused of driving 91 miles per hour on a highway in a snowstorm, on streets full of snow and slush.  She she was late for an appointment to have a new car stereo installed.  ***Actually, yeah – I can see that.

A Virginia man is giving his wife one of his kidneys for their 20th anniversary.  ***My heart? I love you so much more than that; I love you with all of my kidney.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Only about 6.5 percent of U.S. adults meet physical activity guidelines while working. That figure represents the proportion of people who meet activity guidelines only from work, and did not include those who would meet guidelines if leisure-time exercise was also counted.  ***So if I get up from my chair to go to the bathroom and then to the refrigerator, is that physical activity considered at-work or leisure time?

A study from the University of Buffalo in New York found that couples who smoke weed together have a significantly lower rate of fighting and domestic violence. And their main theory why is — drum roll, please — marijuana mellows you out and makes you happy. When people are happy, they don’t fight. ***Unless you’re having money problems and can’t afford weed… or you can’t afford bail money for the spouse that was just arrested for trying to buy weed… then maybe this whole marijuana thing could be an issue.

A new study shows that young people are becoming so reliant on electronic devices that they can no longer remember everyday details like their phone numbers.  ***Don’t worry, kids. The NSA’s got you covered.

Chicago is known as “the windy city,” but its reputation is exaggerated. Among the 68 windiest cities in the U.S., it ranks only 21st. Cheyenne, Wyoming and Great Falls, Montana top the list. ***When it comes to hot wind, top of the list is Washington, D.C.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, a small badger had managed to convince all of the jungle animals that if they bought fancy shoes from him, they’d all be the envy of their friends. Unfortunately, it’s kind of impossible for everyone to be the envy of everyone, so Millard decided to get even fancier shoes…

CLOSE: Doggone it… and I just bought these shoes too. I can’t afford to keep doing this on my salary. And how can Millard afford to buy an even fancier pair than the fancier pair he bought after buying the original fancy pair of shoes? He doesn’t even have a job! How much longer are we all going to keep doing this? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Saving money by dropping security isn’t really a good thing… as one business owner found out!

The owner of a Los Angeles check-cashing business and an employee decided to forego the armored car routine and simply carry $345,000 to work themselves. They threw the money into the back seats of their cars, and set off, only stopping for lunch. They found after leaving the restaurant a half hour later that someone smashed the car windows and took the money. Duh! Now they are offering a $10,000 reward and 10% of any returned money for information leading to the arrest of the thieves.

TOP TEN

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS… OF EMAIL

I. Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

II. Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

III. Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.

IV. Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

V. Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

VI. Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.

VII. Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

VIII. Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.

IX. Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work. When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

X. That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

How can a television remote control cause a robbery to fail?

FILE #1: Two burglary suspects in Florida were nabbed by police when they returned to a house minutes after allegedly stealing two televisions. A resident alerted police she’d spotted two men outside her neighbor’s house loading a television into a sport utility vehicle. When questioned, one of the crooks confessed to the officers that they stole the televisions after breaking a window to get into the house. The two would have gotten away with it, but as they were about to speed off, they realized they had forgotten the remote controls and ran back inside to get them. When they came back outside the police were there to arrest them.

FILE #2: The mayor of Bogota, Columbia has come up with a brilliant idea (or so he thinks) on how to fight crime in how town – get the men off the street! The women can stay out, but the men have to go home! The mayor wants to conduct an experimental one-night curfew under which all men in his city of 7 million would be ordered off of the street at night. His thinking is that if Bogota’s dangerous streets are populated exclusively by women crime would naturally plummet. ***MARLAR: And shopping would naturally up!

FILE #3: High Point, North Carolina residents were concerned when a female police officer wouldn’t wave back to them from her parked cruiser as they drove by. So concerned, residents made calls to the police station with reports of a sleeping, or even dead, officer. It was then that they were informed that the officer was a mannequin dressed in uniform used to slow down traffic at a busy intersection.

STRANGE LAW: In Colorado Springs, Colorado, it’s permissible to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Helping one of your teachers with personal stuff is fine – just make sure she doesn’t pay you in illegal substances.

A northern Illinois teacher faces felony charges after allegedly giving two teenage girls marijuana, alcohol and prescription drugs in exchange for work around her home. Kym Krocza was arrested on charges of contributing to the delinquency of a minor.  Lake County authorities said the girls attend Grant High School in Fox Lake, where the 41-year-old Krocza teaches algebra and calculus. She’s been suspended from the school.  Police said Krocza met the girls in her neighborhood before they started attending Grant High and approached them about helping her with laundry and cleaning.  In exchange, she allegedly gave them pot, alcohol and Zoloft, an antidepressant.

PHONER PHUN

What treasures have you found in your attic or crawl space?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: This king was eaten by worms and died because he did not give God the glory.

ANSWER: Herod (Acts 12:23)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: According to Prevention magazine, you can save 8 gallons of water every day just by doing this. What?

ANSWER: Turning off the faucet while washing your face.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Mae West was the star of the movie called “The Perils of Pauline.” (False, it was Pearl Fay White)

2. Mickey Rooney provided the voice for the animated cartoon, “Oswald the Rabbit”. (True)

3. On the show “Star Trek: The Next Generation”, Riker’s full name is James T. Riker. (False, William T. Riker)

4. “Outwit” is not part of the tagline for “Survivor”. (True) (audio clip)

5. Falling out a window is the second most frequent cause of accidents in the home. (False, running into glass)

6. Among all canned fruits and vegetables, pumpkin is considered the best source of Vitamin A. (True)

7. “The Jetsons” TV family moved “on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky”. (False, The Jeffersons) (audio clip)

8. Omaha is the capitol of Nebraska. (False, Lincoln)

9. The longest river in the world is the Amazon. (False, The Nile)

10. On the TV show “The Simpsons,” Dr. Hibbert can’t stop laughing. (True) (audio clip)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

TRUMP ADDS ________ TO MOUNT RUSHMORE (HIMSELF)

At a press conference today, Donald Trump announced that he is ordering his face be placed on Mount Rushmore.

President Trump said that he has issued an Executive Order to immediately begin carving his face on Mount Rushmore.  The President feels that this will create at least one thousand jobs and increase tourism in South Dakota.

The White House Press Corps erupted in applause when the President made his announcement.

The last President under consideration to be  carved into the mountains of South Dakota was Ronald Reagan.  Reagan, considering the overwhelming support and acclaim he received from the American people, seemed a natural choice.  The Congress approved of Reagan on Rushmore, but President Bill Clinton overruled the order.

President Trump has bypassed Congress and has ordered the carving to begin.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

When my bride and I first got married, I was working at the radio station all day long, and she was working as a waitress. When she got home after that first day we went back to work after the honeymoon, I gave her a huge hug and refused to let go.

“Did you really miss me that much?” she asked.

“No,” I said. “But you smell so much like french fries that I hate to let you go.”

JOKE #2

A crusty old man went into the bank and asked for $250.00 in ones and fives. As the line behind him grew, the teller laboriously counted out the money and passed it over.

The old man said, “I believe I’ll count that myself.”

As the line stretched out the door, he slowly counted the money a second time. “Well,” said the teller when he finished, “it’s all there, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” answered the old man, “but just barely.”

JOKE #3

A tough Army sergeant, trying to discover how much a new group of trainees had learned, demanded of one young recruit, “Soldier, tell me the first thing you do when you clean your rifle.”



“I check the serial number stamped on it,” responded the soldier.



“The serial number?!” snapped the NCO. “Why in the name of General Powell do you check the serial number?”



“Because,” the recruit replied, “I don’t ever want to catch myself cleaning someone else’s rifle.”

USELESS FACTS

A recent study suggests that kids are getting fatter because lack of sleep is changing their metabolism… another study found that children who watch violent, R-rated horror movies make lower grades in school.  ***They’re getting low grades because they’re so scared they can’t sleep; lack of sleep is making kids fat.  Hence, horror movies make kids fat!

The Center for Science in the Public Interest is warning people not to drink sodas.  ***And why shouldn’t they warn us?  They’ve already warned us not to eat any food on Earth, so it’s not like we need to wash anything down.

FEATURED FUNNIES

LIE DETECTOR

First Man: Have you ever seen one of those machines that can tell when a person is telling a lie?

Second Man: Seen one? I married one!

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

TATTOO TABOO

Do tattoos hinder your ability to find a job? They do in New Zealand.

New Zealand residents, who sport tattoos, are claiming discrimination in the job market! It’s a claim that wannabe workers with tattoos believe so strongly that they are being discriminated against because of their body art that they took their case to the “Work and Income Agency” in Rotorua. Now, a government grant will actually pay $250,000 for the unemployed to have their tattoos removed by laser technology. A spokesperson for the agency claims that if people remove their tattoo, their chances of finding a job will increase. ***MARLAR: But why get a job when you can make $250,000 just by getting a tattoo and then having it removed?

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

ANGELS AMONG US

I was walking home from school on a cold winter day. Took a shortcut through the woods and lost my way. It was getting late and I was scared and alone, but then a kind old man took my hand and led me home. Now, Momma could not see him, oh but he was standing there and I knew in my heart he was the answer to my prayers. Oh, I believe there are angels among us sent down to us from somewhere up above. They come to you and me in our darkest hours to show us how to live, to teach us how to give, to guide us with the light of love. When life held trouble times and had me down on my knees, there’s always been someone come along and comfort me, a kind word from a stranger to lend a helping hand, a phone call from a friend just to say I understand. Ain’t it kind of funny at the dark end of the road that someone lights the way with just a single ray of Hope. Oh, I believe there are angels among us sent down to us from somewhere up above. They come to you and to me in our darkest hours to show us how to live, to teach us how to give, to guide us with the light of love. They where so many faces, show up in the strangest places, to grace us with their mercy in our time of need. Oh, I believe there are angels among us sent down to us from somewhere up above. They come to you and me in our darkest hours, to show us how to live, to teach us to give, to guide us with the light of love. To guide us with the light of love! –Author Unknown

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

WORRIED ABOUT SOMETHING?

Didn’t Moses have it easy! There he is, walking along one day, when he sees a burning bush. This wasn’t just any burning bush. “Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up” (Exodus 3:2). And to top that off, he hears a voice from the bush, calling him by name! Hidden microphones and surround-sound speakers hadn’t been invented yet. There was little doubt that it was God. It doesn’t seem fair, does it? Moses practically got a step-by-step guide from God, and what do we get?

Okay, we do have the Bible, but if you’ve read it through, you know it doesn’t say anything like, “Sally Johnson, go to Harvard and become a cheese farmer.” The Bible doesn’t tell us where to go to college, what to do in our careers , it doesn’t tell us whom we should marry, and what we should do with difficult family, friends, or dating problems. It doesn’t tell us what to name our dog.

So with all the big decisions in our life, not to mention the hordes of little ones every day, how in the world are we supposed to know what to do? That’s not an easy question, but here are a couple of suggestions:

First of all, read the Bible. I know. I know. Yawn and snore. But hang on. It doesn’t have to be that way. Believe it or not, if you actually get into the Bible it can be a lot more interesting than a Grisham novel. And if you memorize its basic truths, it will help immensely in everyday decisions.

Second, pray. Would you want someone to stop talking to you just because you knew what he or she was thinking? Tell God what’s going on. He wants to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth. He won’t answer audibly as a human would, but look at it this way: Do you think it’s any harder for God to get you through your problems than it is for Him to keep the stars in place? Somehow, I doubt it.

So, really, what are you worried about?

LEFTOVERS

GO GREEN AND GO GREASY!
A Las Vegas tour company is using leftover oil from restaurants to fuel a fleet of vans, showing that recycling can work even in a city known for excess. Escape Adventures has been around for 18 years and offers bicycle trips into Red Rock Canyon and the North Rim of the Grand Canyon. What really sets them apart is that owner Jared Fisher spends about four to six hours a week driving to restaurants to siphon used oil from containers near the trash bins. He says, “It is kind of nice to escape the office. I can read a book while I’m pumping grease.” So far this year he has collected about 3,000 gallons. That amounts to more than $9,000 in savings — about enough to pay for the cost of modifying his six diesel vans to run on vegetable oil.

LIFE… LIVE IT

TOP TEN TIPS FOR DATING IN THE SOCIAL MEDIA AGE

(from Mashable

1. Chill With the Commenting/Liking: Generally speaking, when you have mutual interests and like similar things, you’d hit it off. There’s no need to “like” every single status update your significant other posts, nor comment on it.  Tell them in real life how you feel. If it’s not significant enough that you would call them and acknowledge it over the phone, it’s probably not necessary for you to bombard their wall.

2. Timeline: Contrary to what many movies made you think, your life is not a rom com — so don’t dramatize it. Beginning a relationship with someone is great, so simply enjoy it for what it is, and don’t worry about adding a lifetime event to your Timeline.  With all the new Facebook features, it’s important to pay attention to what you’re making public on your profile, so that it doesn’t come back to haunt you later.

3. Go Do Something: Stop stalking your significant other’s every move/comment/post and carry on as you did before you became an item — it’s what he/she was interested in in the first place, so why would you want to change that?

4. “Facebook Official”: This is our generation’s contribution to milestones like first date, first kiss, etc. Once you have the conversation to become an item (and please, talk about it in person beforehand — a request to change your status is not an acceptable form of telling someone you want to be with them), then you have every reason to make it public. But respect your partner’s decision to keep relationship statuses private if he/she chooses to do so.

5. Friending: Want to know more about your romantic interest’s friends? Wait until an introduction. Don’t friend his pals just to see more photos. Instead, ask him what he and his friends like to do for fun. It’s more organic, and if he’s really into you, he’s probably already told them about you.  The same applies for family members. In case it wasn’t obvious, don’t friend his mother. Don’t do it.

6. Foursquare: Unless you’re both admittedly devout, badge-hungry Foursquare users, don’t tag your significant other when you check in, especially if you’re not already friends on the service. Enjoy yourself! The world doesn’t need to know you’re on a date.  There’s nothing wrong with finding a good deal or trying a hot place through location-based services, but try to remember you didn’t go on a date just to level up on the “Bender Badge.”

7. Twitter: Don’t use Twitter to talk about the date to your friends, or to the person you’re going on the date with. And PDA is sexier when it’s a little more discrete, so send a message via text or DM.  Also, easy on following everyone your significant other follows — it’s kind of like spying. You have your interests, he has his. There will be an opportunity to overlap.

8. Blogging: If you want to blog about your date, take full advantage of the privacy settings. Even if you are reminiscing about how great it was, it might be taken the wrong way.  If it wasn’t such a good date, be a bigger person and don’t make it public.

9. Google Plus: As cute as Google+’s commercial, no one wants to be included in the “Creepers” or “Maybes” circles, so either don’t do it, or keep it private.

10. Quit While You’re Ahead: Breaking up in a world where things are more publicized than ever is hard. Be the first person to change the relationship status on social networks — don’t wait for your ex to do it. If a friend is the one ending a relationship, don’t comment on the activity. Send a text or an email, or give them space to deal if they need it.  If you choose to stay friends with them on social media, take advantage of customization settings so you don’t know what they’re up to all of the time. Remove them altogether from location-based services, at least for a little while. You don’t need to know what they are up to 24/7.

JUST FOR FUN

PSYCHO

Can you try to kill yourself on the job, yet convincingly tell your employer you still want to work there?

Richard Young has got some problems. The poor man is unemployed right now, seeing as he was fired from Ohio Casualty Insurance. Why did they fire him? Well, it seems that sheriff’s deputies had to keep Richard at bay for six hours because he was wielding a gun and threatening to shoot himself. But now he’s suing to get his job back, and says that just because he wanted to kill himself doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to continue working for Ohio Casualty. ***MARLAR: Someone needs to sit down and explain to Mr. Young that, if he succeeds in killing himself, he doesn’t have the option of coming back into the office the next morning!

FUN LIST

HOW TO HANDLE STRESS

  • Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try and sneeze them out.
  • Use your Master Card to pay your Visa Bill.
  • Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
  • When someone says “Have a nice day”, tell them you have other plans.
  • Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in them. Return them the next day.
  • Drive to work in reverse.
  • Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
  • Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

SIMPLE TRUTHS SMART PEOPLE FORGET

  • Education and intelligence accomplish nothing without action: It doesn’t matter if you have a genius IQ and a PhD in Quantum Physics… there’s a huge difference between knowing how to do something and actually doing it.

  • Happiness and success are two different things.

  • Everyone runs their own business: No matter how you make a living or whom you think you work for, you only work for one person-yourself.

  • All people possess dimensions of success and dimensions of failure: Trying to be perfect is a waste of time and energy. Perfection is an illusion.

  • Every mistake you make is progress: Mistakes teach you important lessons. Every time you make one, you’re one step closer to your goal. The only mistake that can truly hurt you is choosing to do nothing simply because you’re too scared to make a mistake.

  • People can be great at doing things they don’t like to do: I’ve heard way too many smart people say something like, “In order to be great at what you do, you have to like what you do.” This just isn’t true.

  • The problems we have with others are typically more about us: Quite often, the problems we have with others—our spouse, parents, siblings, etc.—don’t really have much to do with them at all. Because many of the problems we think we have with them we subconsciously created in our own mind.

  • Emotional decisions are rarely good decisions.

  • You will never feel 100 percent ready when an opportunity arises.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Here’s a surprising idea when it comes to your health – not only should you not skip breakfast, you should probably double up on it!  Downing a protein shake an hour after your morning meal can help cut cravings, a study in the journal Appetite found. Active men who chugged whey protein saw their hunger subside immediately by as much as 65 percent, nice for when lunch rolled around. The volume of the shake did not matter, says study author Kristen MacKenzie-Shalders, Ph.D. Those who consumed 20, 40, 60, or 80 grams all ate the same number of calories at lunch. (Men’s Health)

Your morning cup of coffee may slow the biological aging process, according to researchers from Stanford University School of Medicine. How? The caffeine appears to counter age-related inflammation, which occurs in many (but not all) of us over time. This type of inflammation can make you very sick, causing heart disease, many types of cancer, Alzheimer’s disease and other dementias, osteoarthritis and even depression. A study found that caffeine — with its own metabolites — appears to block the harmful action of the nucleic acid metabolites. In other words, the caffeine in coffee helps keep the inflammation at bay, which may explain why coffee drinkers live longer than others.

Amy Craton will tell you it’s never too late to finish what you’ve started, even if it takes more than five decades to do it. The 94-year-old great-grandmother last week celebrated receiving her college degree, which she earned with a perfect 4.0 grade point average. Craton had put her education on hold in 1962 to return to work and raise her four children following a divorce.
http://on.today.com/2jLIUVz

A coalition of Christians from across denominational lines are uniting to pray for President-elect Donald Trump during his first 100 days in office. Their mission: “appealing to Heaven to change the spiritual climate in our nation.”
http://www.breakingchristiannews.com/articles/display_art.html?ID=20294

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Today’s (JOCK SHOW) was not tested on animals. But they don’t seem to have much of sense of humor anyway.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JANUARY 20, 2017…

20th Century Women—Annette Bening shines in this film of three generations of women in the mid-1970’s and how they cope with changing times. The cast includes Elle Fanning (great work), and Greta Gerwig. Wonderful soundtrack, too.  “20th Century Women” is rated R for sexual content. Rating of 2.

Split—What an interesting premise from M. Night Shyamalan. This story concerns the kidnapping of three girls, Haley Lu Richardson, Jessica Sula and Anya Taylor-Joy, by creepy James McAvory. He has many  personalities within him and which one can help the girls? Like a game of Russian Roulette. “Split” is rated R. No rating.

XXX: The Return Of Xander Cage—Vin Diesel stars again as Xander Cage, who comes back after years in hiding, to fight villain Donnie Yan and find a hidden secret weapon. That just about explains the plot. Also in the cast are Nina Debrov and Samuel L. Jackson. “XXX: Return Of Xander Cage” is rated R. No rating.

The Founder (opening from an earlier date)—Ray Kroc made McDonalds a global name with unique marketing. However, the real founders were the McDonald brothers (played by Nick Offerman and John Carroll).  Kroc is played by Michael Keaton. This is a study in how to build a business, ruthless though it may be. “The Founder” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

JANUARY 27, 2017…

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter has Mila Jovovich back in action against the Umbrella Corporation.

Julieta (opening from an earlier date) stars Emma Svarez as a woman looking for her daughter. Subtitles.

Gold (opening from an earlier date) and has Matthew McConaughey as a man who does anything to find money.

A Dog’s Purpose is a series of vignettes about animals and their owners. Bring hanky.

Bastards is a comedy starring Owen Wilson who is in search of his father, long presumed deceased.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.