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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW), where we put the ‘K’ in ‘illiterate!’
Ask me about my attention deficit disorder or pie or my cat. A dog. I have a bike. Do you like TV? I saw a rock. Hi.
PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)
(None on the weekends or holidays.)
“The more I study (the Constitution) the more I have come to admire it, realizing that no other document devised by the hand of man ever brought so much progress and happiness to humanity.” – Calvin Coolidge
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. –Psalm 37:4-6 NIV
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit will reap eternal life.” — Galatians 6:7-8
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. — Romans 5:6-7
Thought: Christ died for the ungodly. Christ died for me. Without his sacrificial death, without God’s grace, I am powerless to save myself or make myself righteous. Jesus did for me what I could not do and paid off my debt to sin which I could not pay. He did it for me; not because I was good enough to be worthy of his death, but because I couldn’t be worthy without him.
Prayer: Loving God, thank you. Sacrificial Savior, I praise you. Words cannot express my thanks for the gift of your grace that cost so much and yet means so much to me. All honor, glory, and praise to my Father who sits on the throne and my Lord Jesus who went to the cross and in whose name I offer my thanks. Amen.
The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to email@example.com.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)
1 Peter 1:23 NIV = For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God.
TODAY IS TUESDAY – JANUARY 23, 2018
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 336 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.
Today is NATIONAL PIE DAY, sponsored by the American Pie Council. ***You know, it has been almost a week since I’ve had pumpkin pie… (And now, for the next 3.14 seconds we will have a brief moment of silence. Okay, now back to the show.)
Today is COLD, COLD, COLD DAY! Think it’s cold now? HA! The coldest temperature ever recorded in the United States was at Prospect Creek Camp, Alaska, in 1971: a record 79.8 degrees below zero Fahrenheit… and that’s not counting the wind-chill. ***Where is global warming when you need it?
Today is NATIONAL SPEAK UP AND SUCCEED DAY. ***Yet, in school I succeeded at speaking up – and it always got me into trouble.
Today is NATIONAL MEASURE YOUR FEET DAY. If you want to know what someone is really like, take a look at their feet, according to Dr. Nancy Sax, the world’s leading personality on feet analysis.
- Second toe larger than the others: You’re the dependable, conservative type who always keeps your emotions in check. These types fare very well in the fields of medicine, banking and science. They’re good providers, but don’t expect any excitement or fireworks.
- Big third toe: Look out! These unpredictable types have hot-and-cold personalities, they’re totally charming one moment then erupt in a volcanic fit of anger the next.
- Big baby toe: These people spread sunshine wherever they go.
- Long toes: The sign of great intellectual capacity – these are the thinkers of the world. Authors, philosophers and great world leaders often have very long toes.
- Little toes: These folks don’t like to make a scene. But their little toes don’t mean you can walk all over them! When backed up against the wall, they’ll stand up and fight.
- Wide feet: These folks are the backbone of society, the hard workers who have strong family values and dedication to their church, family and community.
- Narrow feet: The shy, quiet type who don’t like to draw attention to themselves. Beneath the shy exteriors is a relaxed, well-balanced person.
- Webbed toes: A fun person who won’t duck a good time! These extroverts are the life-of-the party types and make great salesmen and entertainers. (audio clip)
NATIONAL HANDWRITING DAY — a day celebrate the importance of handwriting, in conjunction with John Hancock’s birthday (1-12-1737). Hancock was the first to sign the Declaration of Independence and is famous for his large, bold signature — Here are some clues to people’s character according to their handwriting:
If your letters slant to the left: Indicates introspection and a lot of emotional control.
If letters slant to the right: Reveals a person who’s more impulsive, outgoing, friendly, and emotionally open.
If letters are straight up and down: The sign of someone who’s ruled by the head, not the heart.
Letters that slant in more than one direction: indicates versatility and adaptability.
An erratic slant usually means a lack of flexibility.
Heavy pressure writing (like you can feel the rib made on the back of the paper) means the writer is agitated.
Moderate pressure (the writing is dark, but you can’t feel the rib on the other side of the paper) shows ability to deal with stress.
Light pressure indicates someone who seems to take life in stride.
Tiny Letters: indicate the writer is somewhat low on self esteem but quite high on brain power.
Small Letters are the hallmark of quiet, introspective types. They’re generally detail-oriented and have good powers of concentration.
Large Letters: are usually the sign of a confident, easygoing individual.
Huge Letters: denote someone who’s loud, theatrical and needs to be the center of attention at all times.
Wide Letters (their width and height are about the same): The mark of someone who’s open and friendly.
Narrow Letters: Show someone who’s kind of shy and inhibited but also very self-disciplined.
Letters that don’t touch: are the sign on an impulsive, artistic, sometimes impractical free thinker.
Some letters connecting: Means the writer’s personality blends logic and intuition.
All letters making contact: The calling card of someone who’s highly cautious.
A curved first mark: Shows a person who’s traditional and plays by the rules.
A straight beginning stroke: Reveals someone who’s rigid and doesn’t like being told what to do.
A final stroke straight across: is a clue that the writer is cautious.
An end mark that curves up: shows generosity.
Perfect penmanship: is the hallmark of a communicative person.
An indecipherable scrawl: indicates a person who’s secretive, closed-up and likes to keep his thoughts to himself.
TODAY IS ALSO…
National Handwriting Day
National Pie Day
Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day
COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 24
Belly Laugh Day
Beer Can Day
International Mobile Phone Recycling Day
National Compliment Day
National Peanut Butter Day
Talk Like A Grizzled Prospector Day
THURSDAY, JANUARY 25
A Room of One’s Own Day
Macintosh Computer Day
National Irish Coffee Day
Robert Burns Day
Thank Your Mentor Day
FRIDAY, JANUARY 26
SATURDAY, JANUARY 27
A.F.R.M.A. Fancy Rat & Mouse Day
Auschwitz Liberation Day
Holocaust Memorial Day
International Day of Commemoration in Memory of the Victims of the Holocaust
National Geographic Day
National Seed Swap Day
Thomas Crapper Day
Viet Nam Peace Day
Visit Your Local Quilt Shop Day
SUNDAY, JANUARY 28
Data Privacy Day
National Kazoo Day
National Pediatrician Day: 28
Rubber Duckie Day
Thank A Plugin Developer Day
World Leprosy Day
MONDAY, JANUARY 29
Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day
Library Shelfie Day
National Puzzle Day
Seeing Eye Dog Day
Thomas Paine Day
TUESDAY, JANUARY 30
Inane Answering Message Day
National Plan For A Vacation Day
ON THIS DAY
1933: Actress Arlene Golonka was born in Chicago. She played Millie Swanson for three seasons on CBS’s “Mayberry R.F.D.”
1922: At Toronto General Hospital, 14-year-old Canadian Leonard Thompson became the first person to receive an insulin injection as treatment for diabetes.
1941: Artie Shaw and his orchestra recorded “Moonglow.”
1942: Earl Tupper bought his first manufacturing plant. In no time he was making covered dishes that burped. That’s right… Tupperware! ***Ironic that the dishes made the exact same burping sound that Mrs. Tupper did at the dinner table.
1944: The Detroit Red Wings set a hockey record for consecutive goals scored in one game and walloped the New York Rangers 15-0.
1964: A surgical team at the University of Mississippi Medical Center in Jackson transplanted a chimpanzee’s heart into a 64-year-old human patient. The heart beat for 90 minutes. ***The ribbing from the guy’s friends about his being a monkey’s uncle, however, lasted the rest of his life.
1964: The 24th amendment to the U.S. Constitution, eliminating the poll tax in federal elections, was ratified. (audio clip)
1970: The judge at the infamous trial of the Chicago Seven denied witness Judy Collins permission to “sing” her testimony. ***You see, there is STILL a sense of justice in the world!
1977: The most watched TV program in history began on ABC-TV. It was a mini-series based on the Alex Haley novel “Roots.”
1982: Singing duo Daryl Hall and John Oates were awarded their first platinum album for “Private Eyes.”
1985: O.J. Simpson became the first Heisman Trophy winner to be elected to pro football’s Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio.
1994: In a Toronto hospital, singer Billy Joel avoided emergency surgery by passing a kidney stone.
1996: Police in Colombo arrested two employees of Sri Lanka’s leading cancer center for using the hospital’s X-ray machine to heat “geuda” stones and turn them into blue sapphires. ***It wasn’t such a big deal until they started experimenting on kidney stones.
1999: The National City Bank in suburban Columbus, Ohio, was robbed by a bandit in a black cap, blue pajamas, and bedroom slippers. He didn’t even wear a mask. No one was hurt.
2001: The skeleton of a would-be burglar was found lodged in the chimney of a Natchez, Mississippi, gift shop. The discovery solved the case of a man who disappeared in 1985. The fully clothed remains of the 27-year-old man, carrying identification, were found by workers renovating the building. Investigators believed he became trapped, possibly injured, while trying to enter the gift shop through the chimney.
2004: The situation comedy “Friends” filmed its final episode in front of an invitation-only audience. (audio clip)
2005: Former ”Tonight Show” host Johnny Carson died at age 79.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1786: John Carroll, who would become America’s first Roman Catholic bishop, founds the Catholic academy that is now Georgetown University.
1875: Death of Charles Kingsley, rector of the Church of England and novelist. Among his best known works was Westward Ho. He was heavily engaged in the religious controversies and movements of his day.
1886: George Müller and his wife sail into Port Jackson Harbor, Sydney, Australia for a tour.
1890: Death of Neesima Shimeta, Japanese Evangelist. Ignorant of the gospel, he was so determined to find out more that he contrived to escape from Japan (a capital offense), come to America and receive an education in the gospel. Back in Japan, he founded a Christian school.
1893: Episcopal minister Phillips Brooks, bishop of Massachusetts, staunch abolitionist, substitute evangelist for D.L. Moody, and author of “O Little Town of Bethlehem,” dies. He was considered the most “considerable American preacher of his generation.”
1918: The Soviets separate church and state. The Russian Orthodox Church had played an important role in government for centuries.
1945: Helmuth James von Moltke is executed by the Nazis. He is told that “the only trouble with you is you are a Christian.”
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
actress (“Saved By The Bell,” “Beverly Hills 90210”) Tiffini-Amber Thiessen 44 (audio clip)
actress (daughter of Jane Mansfield, and plays Olivia Benson on “Law & Order: SVU”) Mariska Hargitay 54
actor (“MacGyver,” “Stargate SG-1”) Richard Dean Anderson 67 (audio clip)
actor (Blade Runner, Batman Begins, Sin City, The Hitcher) Rutger Hauer, 74
actress (“One Life to Live,” Chicago) Chita Rivera 85
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1910 : Jean “Django” Reinhardt
1938 : Eugene Church
1943 : Millie Jackson
1948 : Anita Pointer (The Pointer Sisters)
1948 : Joe Dowell
1948 : Pat Simmons (The Doobie Brothers)
1950 : Bill Cunningham (The Box Tops)
1950 : Danny Federici (E Street Band)
1953 : Robin Wayne Zander (Cheap Trick)
1955 : Reggie Calloway (Calloway)
1959 : Earl Falconer (UB40)
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)
When things go awry, why will there “be the devil to pay?”
I always thought this was a rip off. Here you are having a hard time to begin with, and then old horny-head butts in demanding some kind of compensation. What’s his fee? They never tell you. Is it tax deductible? I asked my accountant and even he didn’t know. Now here’s a surprise. The expression has nothing to do with Lucifer! Let us return to the days of sailing ships. The seams on these old wooden vessels were called devils. Caulking or sealing the seams was known as “paying” them. The only way you could get at the devil to pay it was to bring the ship in at high tide so that the bottom rested on the sand. But if you didn’t work fast enough and the tide went out, you still had the devil to pay but no way of doing it. Truly, a devil of a spot!
(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
Authorities in Germany are trying to catch a burglar who has a thing for women’s underwear. So far the burglar has struck 14 times over the past two years — ignoring household valuables and sneaking off with women’s panties. ***So I guess all of his robberies are BRIEF.
If opposites attract, then why do so many older married couples look more like siblings than lovers? It turns out there is a good reason why we start to resemble our spouse the longer we live together. University of Michigan psychologist Robert Zajonc conducted a study in which he analyzed two photographs of couples — one that was taken when they were newlyweds and another that was taken 25 years later. Virtually all the couples grew to look like one another over time. What’s more, the happiest couples had the greatest physical similarity. Why? Zajonc theorizes that older couples look more alike because people who live in close contact tend to mimic each other’s facial expressions. ***Wow – if that’s true, you gotta feel sorry for guys who marry girls who like to take selfies doing a duck face.
Abercrombie and Fitch have launched a gender-neutral kids’ clothing line. ***Which is the only logical next step, seeing as their ads are already fit for nobody.
Two Iowa boys, ages 12 and 13, face felony charges in damaging a bee hive and killing half a million bees. ***It’s all the buzz in the media.
A Michigan State study indicates that stress will make you sick, especially if you have allergies. ***And you’re in really big trouble if you happen to be allergic to stress.
The stock market has gained 31% since President Trump took office. That’s the best for any president since F.D.R. The value of the market has gone up $6.9 trillion. ***In fact, many are saying Trump could be considered one of our best presidents if someone would stop him from talking and tweeting.
You can now get paid to eat chicken nuggets. Apparently, the England-based supermarket B&M is hiring a Chicken Nuggets Connoisseur. The position entails tasting a variety of chicken nuggets, both fresh and frozen, in a selection of B&M stores nationwide. The person chosen for the position will receive $35 worth of vouchers each month to spend on fresh and frozen food in their local B&M store. They’re then required to give valuable feedback on how B&M can improve its fresh and frozen foods. ***Sounds like you might be having a lot of BM’s if you take this job!
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
A new study claims that half the men in the U.S. are trimming or shaving their leg hair. ***Well yeah, it cuts down on wind resistance when you have to run to the bathroom in the middle of the night!
Here is a real nail biter. Medical experts are no longer saying chewing your fingernails is a bad habit… it’s now a mental disorder. Millions of people just cannot help biting their nails down to the quick and that classifies them as someone who has a full-fledged obsessive-compulsive disorder, according to the American Psychiatric Association. So nail biting is now up there up there with other OCD habits such as repetitive hand washing and hair pulling. The mental disease is characterized by unreasonable thoughts and fears that lead to such repetitive behavior. But don’t fret if you know someone who occasionally nibbles on their nails; it is only worrisome if the action becomes destructive, including damaging the hands or triggering repeated infections, say the experts. “As with hair pulling and skin picking, nail biting is not a disorder unless it is impairing, distressing, and meets a certain clinical level of severity,” notes psychiatrist Dr. Carol Mathews, of the University of California, San Francisco. She says, “That is not the vast majority of nail biters.”
According to London’s Telegraph, if your surname is Morgan, Kidd, Teach, Rackham, Bonny or Read, there’s a good chance a pirate is a member of your family tree. People who have these names could very well be related to Britain’s most famous pirates. ***And if your surname is Sparrow you’re related to Keith Richards.
Are you a coffee drinker? Let’s talk about that coffeemaker at hour house. That warm, damp reservoir is a bacteria mecca. An NSF Internal study found both yeast and mold were common, and 9 % of coffeemakers turned up coliform, a group of fecal bacteria that include E. Coli. Do yourself a favor and every month or two, fill the reservoir with white vinegar, wait 30 minutes, and run a normal brew cycle. Run a few pots of water until the vinegar smell dissipates. We do this at my house and I can actually tell a difference in the taste of the coffee.
You know about the dangers of driving while intoxicated, while texting, and while talking on the phone. A recent study claims that driving while daydreaming may be the most dangerous practice of all. The study released by the Erie Insurance Group says driving while daydreaming may be five times more dangerous than driving and texting or talking on your phone. According to Erie’s findings some 62 percent of all fatal “distracted driving” accidents in the United States are the result of the driver being “lost in thought.” By comparison, only 12 percent of distracted driving fatalities resulted from driving while using mobile phones. ***So – stop daydreaming, and instead, grab your phone or a BigMac when you’re in the car! Maybe watch Netflix.
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS
(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the jungle animals were on the lookout for the perfect picnic spot so they could have the perfect picnic. They’ve already passed some great places, and everyone wanted to stop and have their picnic… but Gruffy still isn’t satisfied, and is insisting they move on!
CLOSE: Is he kidding?!?! There can’t possibly be a better spot than that – and everyone is hungry and tired! What more does Gruffy want? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Saving money by dropping security isn’t really a good thing… as one business owner found out!
The owner of a Los Angeles check-cashing business and an employee decided to forego the armored car routine and simply carry $345,000 to work themselves. They threw the money into the back seats of their cars, and set off, only stopping for lunch. They found after leaving the restaurant a half hour later that someone smashed the car windows and took the money. Duh! Now they are offering a $10,000 reward and 10% of any returned money for information leading to the arrest of the thieves.
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS… OF EMAIL
I. Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
II. Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
III. Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
IV. Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
V. Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
VI. Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
VII. Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
VIII. Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
IX. Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work. When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
X. That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
How can a television remote control cause a robbery to fail?
FILE #1: Two burglary suspects in Florida were nabbed by police when they returned to a house minutes after allegedly stealing two televisions. A resident alerted police she’d spotted two men outside her neighbor’s house loading a television into a sport utility vehicle. When questioned, one of the crooks confessed to the officers that they stole the televisions after breaking a window to get into the house. The two would have gotten away with it, but as they were about to speed off, they realized they had forgotten the remote controls and ran back inside to get them. When they came back outside the police were there to arrest them.
FILE #2: The mayor of Bogota, Columbia has come up with a brilliant idea (or so he thinks) on how to fight crime in how town – get the men off the street! The women can stay out, but the men have to go home! The mayor wants to conduct an experimental one-night curfew under which all men in his city of 7 million would be ordered off of the street at night. His thinking is that if Bogota’s dangerous streets are populated exclusively by women crime would naturally plummet. ***MARLAR: And shopping would naturally up!
FILE #3: High Point, North Carolina residents were concerned when a female police officer wouldn’t wave back to them from her parked cruiser as they drove by. So concerned, residents made calls to the police station with reports of a sleeping, or even dead, officer. It was then that they were informed that the officer was a mannequin dressed in uniform used to slow down traffic at a busy intersection.
STRANGE LAW: In Colorado Springs, Colorado, it’s permissible to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
“This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.
Helping one of your teachers with personal stuff is fine – just make sure she doesn’t pay you in illegal substances.
A northern Illinois teacher faces felony charges after allegedly giving two teenage girls marijuana, alcohol and prescription drugs in exchange for work around her home. Kym Krocza was arrested on charges of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Lake County authorities said the girls attend Grant High School in Fox Lake, where the 41-year-old Krocza teaches algebra and calculus. She’s been suspended from the school. Police said Krocza met the girls in her neighborhood before they started attending Grant High and approached them about helping her with laundry and cleaning. In exchange, she allegedly gave them pot, alcohol and Zoloft, an antidepressant.
What treasures have you found in your attic or crawl space?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: This king was eaten by worms and died because he did not give God the glory.
ANSWER: Herod (Acts 12:23)
QUESTION: According to Prevention magazine, you can save 8 gallons of water every day just by doing this. What?
ANSWER: Turning off the faucet while washing your face.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
1. Mae West was the star of the movie called “The Perils of Pauline.” (False, it was Pearl Fay White)
2. Mickey Rooney provided the voice for the animated cartoon, “Oswald the Rabbit”. (True)
3. On the show “Star Trek: The Next Generation”, Riker’s full name is James T. Riker. (False, William T. Riker)
4. “Outwit” is not part of the tagline for “Survivor”. (True) (audio clip)
5. Falling out a window is the second most frequent cause of accidents in the home. (False, running into glass)
6. Among all canned fruits and vegetables, pumpkin is considered the best source of Vitamin A. (True)
7. “The Jetsons” TV family moved “on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky”. (False, The Jeffersons) (audio clip)
8. Omaha is the capitol of Nebraska. (False, Lincoln)
9. The longest river in the world is the Amazon. (False, The Nile)
10. On the TV show “The Simpsons,” Dr. Hibbert can’t stop laughing. (True) (audio clip)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
TRUMP ADDS ________ TO MOUNT RUSHMORE (HIMSELF)
At a press conference today, Donald Trump announced that he is ordering his face be placed on Mount Rushmore.
President Trump said that he has issued an Executive Order to immediately begin carving his face on Mount Rushmore. The President feels that this will create at least one thousand jobs and increase tourism in South Dakota.
The White House Press Corps erupted in applause when the President made his announcement.
The last President under consideration to be carved into the mountains of South Dakota was Ronald Reagan. Reagan, considering the overwhelming support and acclaim he received from the American people, seemed a natural choice. The Congress approved of Reagan on Rushmore, but President Bill Clinton overruled the order.
President Trump has bypassed Congress and has ordered the carving to begin.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
When my bride and I first got married, I was working at the radio station all day long, and she was working as a waitress. When she got home after that first day we went back to work after the honeymoon, I gave her a huge hug and refused to let go.
“Did you really miss me that much?” she asked.
“No,” I said. “But you smell so much like french fries that I hate to let you go.”
A crusty old man went into the bank and asked for $250.00 in ones and fives. As the line behind him grew, the teller laboriously counted out the money and passed it over.
The old man said, “I believe I’ll count that myself.”
As the line stretched out the door, he slowly counted the money a second time. “Well,” said the teller when he finished, “it’s all there, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” answered the old man, “but just barely.”
A tough Army sergeant, trying to discover how much a new group of trainees had learned, demanded of one young recruit, “Soldier, tell me the first thing you do when you clean your rifle.”
“I check the serial number stamped on it,” responded the soldier.
“The serial number?!” snapped the NCO. “Why in the name of General Powell do you check the serial number?”
“Because,” the recruit replied, “I don’t ever want to catch myself cleaning someone else’s rifle.”
A recent study suggests that kids are getting fatter because lack of sleep is changing their metabolism… another study found that children who watch violent, R-rated horror movies make lower grades in school. ***They’re getting low grades because they’re so scared they can’t sleep; lack of sleep is making kids fat. Hence, horror movies make kids fat!
The Center for Science in the Public Interest is warning people not to drink sodas. ***And why shouldn’t they warn us? They’ve already warned us not to eat any food on Earth, so it’s not like we need to wash anything down.
First Man: Have you ever seen one of those machines that can tell when a person is telling a lie?
Second Man: Seen one? I married one!
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Do tattoos hinder your ability to find a job? They do in New Zealand.
New Zealand residents, who sport tattoos, are claiming discrimination in the job market! It’s a claim that wannabe workers with tattoos believe so strongly that they are being discriminated against because of their body art that they took their case to the “Work and Income Agency” in Rotorua. Now, a government grant will actually pay $250,000 for the unemployed to have their tattoos removed by laser technology. A spokesperson for the agency claims that if people remove their tattoo, their chances of finding a job will increase. ***MARLAR: But why get a job when you can make $250,000 just by getting a tattoo and then having it removed?
ANGELS AMONG US
I was walking home from school on a cold winter day. Took a shortcut through the woods and lost my way. It was getting late and I was scared and alone, but then a kind old man took my hand and led me home. Now, Momma could not see him, oh but he was standing there and I knew in my heart he was the answer to my prayers. Oh, I believe there are angels among us sent down to us from somewhere up above. They come to you and me in our darkest hours to show us how to live, to teach us how to give, to guide us with the light of love. When life held trouble times and had me down on my knees, there’s always been someone come along and comfort me, a kind word from a stranger to lend a helping hand, a phone call from a friend just to say I understand. Ain’t it kind of funny at the dark end of the road that someone lights the way with just a single ray of Hope. Oh, I believe there are angels among us sent down to us from somewhere up above. They come to you and to me in our darkest hours to show us how to live, to teach us how to give, to guide us with the light of love. They where so many faces, show up in the strangest places, to grace us with their mercy in our time of need. Oh, I believe there are angels among us sent down to us from somewhere up above. They come to you and me in our darkest hours, to show us how to live, to teach us to give, to guide us with the light of love. To guide us with the light of love! –Author Unknown
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
WORRIED ABOUT SOMETHING?
Didn’t Moses have it easy! There he is, walking along one day, when he sees a burning bush. This wasn’t just any burning bush. “Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up” (Exodus 3:2). And to top that off, he hears a voice from the bush, calling him by name! Hidden microphones and surround-sound speakers hadn’t been invented yet. There was little doubt that it was God. It doesn’t seem fair, does it? Moses practically got a step-by-step guide from God, and what do we get?
Okay, we do have the Bible, but if you’ve read it through, you know it doesn’t say anything like, “Sally Johnson, go to Harvard and become a cheese farmer.” The Bible doesn’t tell us where to go to college, what to do in our careers , it doesn’t tell us whom we should marry, and what we should do with difficult family, friends, or dating problems. It doesn’t tell us what to name our dog.
So with all the big decisions in our life, not to mention the hordes of little ones every day, how in the world are we supposed to know what to do? That’s not an easy question, but here are a couple of suggestions:
First of all, read the Bible. I know. I know. Yawn and snore. But hang on. It doesn’t have to be that way. Believe it or not, if you actually get into the Bible it can be a lot more interesting than a Grisham novel. And if you memorize its basic truths, it will help immensely in everyday decisions.
Second, pray. Would you want someone to stop talking to you just because you knew what he or she was thinking? Tell God what’s going on. He wants to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth. He won’t answer audibly as a human would, but look at it this way: Do you think it’s any harder for God to get you through your problems than it is for Him to keep the stars in place? Somehow, I doubt it.
So, really, what are you worried about?
GO GREEN AND GO GREASY!
A Las Vegas tour company is using leftover oil from restaurants to fuel a fleet of vans, showing that recycling can work even in a city known for excess. Escape Adventures has been around for 18 years and offers bicycle trips into Red Rock Canyon and the North Rim of the Grand Canyon. What really sets them apart is that owner Jared Fisher spends about four to six hours a week driving to restaurants to siphon used oil from containers near the trash bins. He says, “It is kind of nice to escape the office. I can read a book while I’m pumping grease.” So far this year he has collected about 3,000 gallons. That amounts to more than $9,000 in savings — about enough to pay for the cost of modifying his six diesel vans to run on vegetable oil.
LIFE… LIVE IT
TOP TEN TIPS FOR DATING IN THE SOCIAL MEDIA AGE
1. Chill With the Commenting/Liking: Generally speaking, when you have mutual interests and like similar things, you’d hit it off. There’s no need to “like” every single status update your significant other posts, nor comment on it. Tell them in real life how you feel. If it’s not significant enough that you would call them and acknowledge it over the phone, it’s probably not necessary for you to bombard their wall.
2. Timeline: Contrary to what many movies made you think, your life is not a rom com — so don’t dramatize it. Beginning a relationship with someone is great, so simply enjoy it for what it is, and don’t worry about adding a lifetime event to your Timeline. With all the new Facebook features, it’s important to pay attention to what you’re making public on your profile, so that it doesn’t come back to haunt you later.
3. Go Do Something: Stop stalking your significant other’s every move/comment/post and carry on as you did before you became an item — it’s what he/she was interested in in the first place, so why would you want to change that?
4. “Facebook Official”: This is our generation’s contribution to milestones like first date, first kiss, etc. Once you have the conversation to become an item (and please, talk about it in person beforehand — a request to change your status is not an acceptable form of telling someone you want to be with them), then you have every reason to make it public. But respect your partner’s decision to keep relationship statuses private if he/she chooses to do so.
5. Friending: Want to know more about your romantic interest’s friends? Wait until an introduction. Don’t friend his pals just to see more photos. Instead, ask him what he and his friends like to do for fun. It’s more organic, and if he’s really into you, he’s probably already told them about you. The same applies for family members. In case it wasn’t obvious, don’t friend his mother. Don’t do it.
6. Foursquare: Unless you’re both admittedly devout, badge-hungry Foursquare users, don’t tag your significant other when you check in, especially if you’re not already friends on the service. Enjoy yourself! The world doesn’t need to know you’re on a date. There’s nothing wrong with finding a good deal or trying a hot place through location-based services, but try to remember you didn’t go on a date just to level up on the “Bender Badge.”
7. Twitter: Don’t use Twitter to talk about the date to your friends, or to the person you’re going on the date with. And PDA is sexier when it’s a little more discrete, so send a message via text or DM. Also, easy on following everyone your significant other follows — it’s kind of like spying. You have your interests, he has his. There will be an opportunity to overlap.
8. Blogging: If you want to blog about your date, take full advantage of the privacy settings. Even if you are reminiscing about how great it was, it might be taken the wrong way. If it wasn’t such a good date, be a bigger person and don’t make it public.
9. Google Plus: As cute as Google+’s commercial was back in 2011, no one wants to be included in the “Creepers” or “Maybes” circles, so either don’t do it, or keep it private.
10. Quit While You’re Ahead: Breaking up in a world where things are more publicized than ever is hard. Be the first person to change the relationship status on social networks — don’t wait for your ex to do it. If a friend is the one ending a relationship, don’t comment on the activity. Send a text or an email, or give them space to deal if they need it. If you choose to stay friends with them on social media, take advantage of customization settings so you don’t know what they’re up to all of the time. Remove them altogether from location-based services, at least for a little while. You don’t need to know what they are up to 24/7.
JUST FOR FUN
Can you try to kill yourself on the job, yet convincingly tell your employer you still want to work there?
Richard Young has got some problems. The poor man is unemployed right now, seeing as he was fired from Ohio Casualty Insurance. Why did they fire him? Well, it seems that sheriff’s deputies had to keep Richard at bay for six hours because he was wielding a gun and threatening to shoot himself. But now he’s suing to get his job back, and says that just because he wanted to kill himself doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to continue working for Ohio Casualty. ***MARLAR: Someone needs to sit down and explain to Mr. Young that, if he succeeds in killing himself, he doesn’t have the option of coming back into the office the next morning!
HOW TO HANDLE STRESS
- Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try and sneeze them out.
- Use your Master Card to pay your Visa Bill.
- Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
- When someone says “Have a nice day”, tell them you have other plans.
- Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in them. Return them the next day.
- Drive to work in reverse.
- Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
- Bill your doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
SIMPLE TRUTHS SMART PEOPLE FORGET
Education and intelligence accomplish nothing without action: It doesn’t matter if you have a genius IQ and a PhD in Quantum Physics… there’s a huge difference between knowing how to do something and actually doing it.
Happiness and success are two different things.
Everyone runs their own business: No matter how you make a living or whom you think you work for, you only work for one person-yourself.
All people possess dimensions of success and dimensions of failure: Trying to be perfect is a waste of time and energy. Perfection is an illusion.
Every mistake you make is progress: Mistakes teach you important lessons. Every time you make one, you’re one step closer to your goal. The only mistake that can truly hurt you is choosing to do nothing simply because you’re too scared to make a mistake.
People can be great at doing things they don’t like to do: I’ve heard way too many smart people say something like, “In order to be great at what you do, you have to like what you do.” This just isn’t true.
The problems we have with others are typically more about us: Quite often, the problems we have with others—our spouse, parents, siblings, etc.—don’t really have much to do with them at all. Because many of the problems we think we have with them we subconsciously created in our own mind.
Emotional decisions are rarely good decisions.
You will never feel 100 percent ready when an opportunity arises.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
For most of her short life, 3-year-old Skye Savren-McCormick has been fighting cancer. Now, the toddler is recovering today thanks to her doctors — and 71 strangers. Recently, Skye and her parents met 26 of the blood donors who gave the happy toddler a new chance at life. “Without blood transfusions she wouldn’t have made it,” mom Talia Savren-McCormick told TODAY. “We used to call it life in a bag. It definitely brought her back to life.”
With the help of Cambria Grace Photography and granddaughter-in-law Lauren Wells, Nina and Gramps finally got to take their wedding photos — 61 years later. Lauren wrote: “They never got proper wedding photos, as their photographer stood them up 61 years ago, [so] we grandkids decided a photo album would make the perfect holiday present.” https://www.littlethings.com/up-inspired-photo-shoot
A 15-month-old Indiana toddler is alive today because of the heroic efforts of Officer Richard Mayer, a rookie cop who saved the child’s life on his very first day of paid duty. Melanie Hasse was having lunch with her 15-month-old daughter, Charlotte, at an Indiana Chick-fil-A on Friday when the child began choking on what was later identified as a small piece of apple. Officer Mayer noticed that Hasse’s child had begun to turn purple. He posted: “I grabbed her and Officer Ramos to my right flipped her over, we did back slaps on her and got food dislodged from her throat right away.” It was also Mayer’s first act as a paid police officer, not a bad start.
When full-time mom and part-time barista Shantaphae Blakes couldn’t find anyone to look after her daughter, Dilynn, she was allowed to bring her in to work. However, she was worried about surviving the morning rush with a toddler under foot. That’s when the state troopers stepped in. North Carolina State Trooper Brad Marshall arrived for his morning coffee. He offered to sit with Dilynn during the morning rush and stayed for over an hour.
Hockey players can become aggressive and games can become ugly in a matter of minutes. But thankfully for one player, the game didn’t affect his rival’s sense of kindness and sympathy. Milwaukee Admirals hockey player Pierre-Cédric Labrie was woken in the middle of the night on New Year’s Eve, just hours before a big game against the Grand Rapids Griffins, to the news that his wife was in labor. He needed to get back to Milwaukee immediately, but he couldn’t find a flight or a ride that would get him there in time. Luckily, Griffins goalie Tom McCollum was there to save the day. He lent Labrie his truck so that he could rush to his wife’s side and witness the birth of their son. He made it just in time, too, with just minutes to spare!
(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
One bridal shop in New York City called Bridal Reflections is helping military women shop for the perfect wedding dress for free. Bridal Reflections regularly works with the charity Brides Across America, working to assist all brides in need of assistance preparing for their big day. Now they are reaching out the military. Five different military brides went shopping for their gowns at Bridal Reflections. Many of the dresses retail for up to $10,000. One bride told Inside Edition “For the past nine months I’ve looked like a boy, so I’m really excited to get all pretty.”
(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)
In Sydney, Australia, Grant Phillips announced on Facebook that he not only got married, but took the unusual step of taking his wife’s last name. So of course you know what happened next- death threats! Phillips suddenly found himself at the bottom of an avalanche of abuse by strangers wishing his violent death. One man simply wrote: “Go kill yourself!” Another was more specific saying, “I hope you (and your whore) die in a car crash so that your genes don’t continue.” Others wished infertility on him and his wife. Phillips and his wife had not planned to make a political statement with their name change decision and explained, “My wife has no male cousins and is the last in her family’s lineage with the name of Phillips, so it would die out after her.” (Newser)
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Today’s (JOCK SHOW) was not tested on animals. But they don’t seem to have much of sense of humor anyway.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
JANUARY 19, 2018…
Forever My Girl—Here is a story with a country music theme. It is about a successful country western singer, who decides he has had enough of travel and wants to come home again. Will home be the same? The cast has Alex Roe, Jessica Rothe and Tyler Riggs. “Forever My Girl” is rated PG. No rating.
12 Strong—Chris Hemsworth stars in this story of a military operation in Afghanistan that pits American soldiers against native tribesmen bent on civil war. What happens when the soldiers become stranded without help? Big problem. Also in the cast are Michael Shannon (“The Shape of Water,”) William Fichtner, Michael Pena and Taylor Sheridan. “12 Strong” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.
Den Of Thieves—Los Angeles County has a special law force to deal with special problems. Here comes one. Someone wants to rob a bank and they have it planned down to the finest detail. What to do? Gerard Butler is the star, along with Jordan Bridges, Pablo Schreiber, 50 Cent and Eric Braden (soap opera fame.) “Den of Thieves” is rated R. No rating.
Maze Runner: Death Cure—Another film in the series from the popular books. This time, the youth have to find a cure for a deadly disease called “Flare.” This science fiction series pits young people against an establishment with Patricia Clarkson in the mix. The cast also has Rosa Salazar, Thomas Brodie-Sangster, Dylan O’Brien, Barry Pepper and Walton Goggins. “Maze Runner: Death Cure” is rated PG 13. No rating.
JANUARY 26, 2018…
Call Me By My Name, which should have opened earlier in 2017, is now opening in select cities. The film stars Timothee Chalamet and Armie Hammer about the closeness of a young college student and a guest.
Hostiles, which should have opened in December 2017, is now opening widely. The film has Christian Bale in a western about returning Native American Indians to their home territory. Great story and scenery.
# # # # #
Best and Worst Films of 2017 compiled by Marie Asner
Arranged in Alphabetical Order
Ten Best Films of 2017—
The Shape of Water
Three Billboards in Ebbing, Missouri
The Man Who Invented Christmas
Ten Worst Films of 2017—
Group One: Basic Plot Horror Film
Book of Henry
The Bad Batch
Group Two: Science Fiction/Fantasy
Guardians Of The Galaxy: Part Two
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
Group Three: The Rest
Pitch Perfect 3
The Disaster Artist
The Florida Project
Trip to Spain
WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)
Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.