January 24, 2017: Tuesday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170124

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

We regret to inform you that because of a humor shortage we must ration the laughs. If you live at an odd-numbered address you can laugh at the jokes today. But if you live at an even-numbered address, you must wait until tomorrow to laugh. Thank you for your cooperation.

(For my friends in Illinois – and possibly a few other states.) Shower drain is clogged so I had to go to Walmart this morning. Let me see if I understand this correctly. You don’t require me to prove my identity when it’s time to vote for laws or for the future leaders who will control the direction of our country, but you do require me to prove my identity in order to buy Drano? Seriously?

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”  — Colossians 3:12-13

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.” — Matthew 7:7-8

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. — 2 Corinthians 12:9

Thought: While other preachers in Paul’s day were parading around their credentials, Paul refused to get into a bragging contest to prove he was the most impressive of Jesus’ disciples. Even though he had the religious education and Jewish pedigree to silence his rivals, he preferred to acknowledge the areas of his weakness where God had triumphed over his own limitations. Let’s be careful today about examining and determining the ministry-worth of someone based on his or her resume. Instead, let’s look for people in whom God’s grace has triumphed.

Prayer: Almighty and loving Father, thank you for sustaining and enabling me to serve you in ways I would never have dreamed of doing. Please help me serve you faithfully as I depend upon your grace. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

2 Corinthians 1:24 NIV = Not that we lord it over your faith, but we work with you for your joy, because it is by faith you stand firm.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – JANUARY 24, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
335 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is SOCIAL SIPPING AND NIBBLING REHEARSAL DAY, a time to practice cutting a piece of cake with a plastic fork on a paper plate while holding a cup of punch, a napkin, and some mints. Memorize something clever to say if you drop it all on the carpet.

This is NATIONAL TAKE BACK YOUR TIME WEEK.  ***That way you’ll have enough time to rehearse eating cake and mints.

Today is BELLY LAUGH DAY, a day to celebrate the great gift of laughter. At 1:24 p.m. (local time) smile, throw your arms in the air, and laugh out loud!  (audio clip)

Today is NATIONAL PEANUT BUTTER DAY. ***If ever there was something to smile and throw your arms in the air about, it’s peanut butter! Of course, if you were truly celebrating, it’d sound more like, “Thuday ith Nathunal Pheanuth Buthah Thay.”

Today is NATIONAL COMPLIMENT DAY. Not sure what to say? Here are a few compliments to choose from.

You…have a great way with words.

You…are a terrific leader.

You…make working on a project a joy.

You…are very creative.

You…are a good provider.

You…are fun to be with.

You…have a great reputation.

You…are cleaver.

You…make a house feel like a home.

You…have a good eye for decorating.

You…are a good driver.

You…can do anything you set your mind to.

You…are capable of accomplishing whatever you believe.

You…are a good listener.

You…are very cheerful.

You…warm my heart.

You…sing like an angel.

You…are very handsome/beautiful.

You…are important to me.

You…have a terrific outlook on life.

You…are very intelligent.

You…are kind.

You…are a good role model.

You…are very alert.

You…are funny.

You…always motivate me.

You…are unique.

You…are very strong.

You…are a picture of good health.

You…are courageous.

You…are very loving.

You…bring out the best in me.

You…make me want to be a better person.

You…make me smile.

You…are a wonderful cook.

You…make hot dogs taste like a gourmet meal.

You…are a wonderful caregiver.

You…make me feel special.

You…make me feel I can do anything.

You…are fun to be with.

You…are the wind beneath my wings.

You…are the light of my life.

TODAY IS ALSO…
Belly Laugh Day Link
Beer Can Day Link  Link
International Mobile Phone Recycling Day Link
National Compliment Day: 24
National Peanut Butter Day Link
Talk Like A Grizzled Prospector Day Link

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 25

A Room of One’s Own Day
Macintosh Computer Day Link
National Irish Coffee Day Link
Opposite Day Link
Robert Burns Day Link

THURSDAY, JANUARY 26

Dental Drill Appreciation Day
Lotus 1-2-3 Day
National Peanut Brittle Day Link
Toad Hollow Day of Encouragement

FRIDAY, JANUARY 27

Auschwitz Liberation Day
Fun at Work Day
Holocaust Memorial Day
International Day of Commemoration in Memory of the Victims of the Holocaust Link
National Big Wig Day Link
National Geographic Day
National Pre-school Fitness Day Link
Thomas Crapper Day
Viet Nam Peace Day

SATURDAY, JANUARY 28

A.F.R.M.A. Fancy Rat & Mouse Day
Data Privacy Day Link  Link
National Kazoo Day Link
National Seed Swap Day
Thank A Plugin Developer Day Link
Visit Your Local Quilt Shop Day

SUNDAY, JANUARY 29

Curmudgeons Day
Freethinkers Day
National Puzzle Day Link
Seeing Eye Dog Day
Thomas Paine Day
World Leprosy Day

MONDAY, JANUARY 30

Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day Link and Link
Croissant Day Link
Inane Answering Message Day

TUESDAY, JANUARY 31

Appreciate Your Social Security Check Day
Inspire Your Heart with Art Day
Street Children Day Link  Link

ON THIS DAY

1848: James W. Marshall discovered a gold nugget at Sutter’s Mill in northern California, a discovery that led to the gold rush of ’49.

1908: The first Boy Scout troop was organized in England by Robert Baden-Powell.

1922: Christian K. Nelson patented the Eskimo Pie.

1939: Ray Stevens was born in Clarksdale, Georgia. Possibly the only musician proficient with every known modern musical instrument, his biggest hits have been “Ahab the Arab,” “Everything Is Beautiful,” and “The Streak.”

1952: The NFL New York Yankees turned up in Texas as the Dallas Texans, to become history’s worst pro football team. They were run out of Dallas after only four games and had to play eight games on the road, finishing 1-11.

1955: Major-league baseball announced that during the new season the rule requiring a pitcher to deliver the ball within 20 seconds after he received it would be strictly enforced. It’s still the rule, but is never enforced. ***Sounds like campaign finance rules, doesn’t it?

1957: Elvis Presley recorded “Teddy Bear.”

1960: Singer Johnny Preston hit #1 with “Running Bear.” The song was written by the Big Bopper, J.P Richardson. The Sonny James version had stayed at #1 on the country charts for three weeks the previous June.

1962: Brian Epstein signed to manage the Beatles, swapping their leather jackets for matching suits and a smarter stage show.

1989: The world’s oldest sheep died in England a week before her 29th birthday. She had given birth to her 40th lamb only months before.

1996: The fat substitute Olestra was approved for sale by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. ***A fat substitute… so how do I go about making an exchange?

1999: A British road safety official found an effective way to make motorists reduce their speed on the street past his house. He put up a large poster of Czech supermodel Eva Herzigova, taking off her shirt. Drivers slowed down immediately.

2002: Singer Freddy Fender underwent a kidney transplant.

2003: The new Department of Homeland Security officially opened as its director, Tom Ridge, was sworn in.

2003: A U.S. government program got underway to vaccinate 500,000 front-line healthcare workers in case of bio-terrorist attack.

2004: A hiking magazine apologized after it published a route plan that would have sent hikers striding into thin air off the north face of Scotland’s largest mountain, Ben Nevis. Anyone following the magazine’s directions would have plunged down a sheer cliff into nearby Gardyloo Gully. No one did.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1076: Germany’s Henry IV convenes the Synod of Worms to secure the deposition of Pope Gregory VII. The Synod charged the pope with serious crimes, called upon Rome to depose him, and issued other anti-papal statements. The pope quickly excommunicated Henry. One year later, Henry traveled to Canossa, Italy, and stood three days in the snow in an attempt to gain Gregory’s forgiveness. Gregory granted it, but the two men soon fought again; Henry set up an antipope in Gregory’s place.

1573: English poet and preacher John Donne, dean of St. Paul’s Cathedral in London, is born. One of the most prominent preachers of his day and one of the greatest English poets, he is known for such famous lines as “No man is an island,” “For whom does the bell toll? It tolls for thee,” and “Death be not proud.”

1722: Edward Wigglesworth becomes the first Hollis Professor of Divinity at Harvard, probably America’s first divinity professor.

1990: “The Bible has come!” yelled the 5,000 men gathered for the big celebration in the Moni tribe in the highlands of Iran Jaya, Indonesia. Bill and Grace Cutts, missionaries under the Christian Missionary Alliance had spent their lives learning the language, preaching the gospel, and translating the Bible in the Moni language. The work of evangelizing this 25,000-people tribe had been long and difficult, but very worthwhile. A huge feast was planned and when the plane landed with the books, their was great rejoicing.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actress (Ashley Banks on “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”) Tatyana Ali 38 (audio clip)

  • Actor (Without A Paddle, Scream, Scooby Doo movies) Matthew Lillard, 47

  • Former Olympic gymnast Mary Lou Retton, 49

  • Russian comedian Yakov Smirnoff, 66

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1829 : William Mason

1933 : Zeke Carey (The Flamingos)

1934 : Ann Cole

1936 : Jack Scott

1939 : Doug Kershaw

1939 : Ray Stevens

1941 : Neil Leslie Diamond in Brooklyn, New York.

1941 : Aaron Neville

1941 : Neil Diamond

1947 : Warren Zevon

1949 : John Belushi (The Blues Brothers)

1953 : Matthew Wilder

1955 : Jools Holland (Squeeze)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Are all “555” phone numbers in TV and movies fake?

Most telephone numbers we see in the US television shows, movies, and fiction literary start with 555. These are fictitious numbers used to prevent prank calls to real people as there are many cases of people calling the numbers seen in the movies. A demonstrative example of this situation is with the film Bruce Almighty. The makers of the movie chose not to use the prefix, and people whose phone numbers matched one mentioned in the film received many calls from callers asking for “God”. There are real numbers with prefix 555, but numbers 555-0100 through 555-0199 were specifically reserved for fictional use some years ago. Recent films, however, do not always heed the limits, and some producers even acquire actual telephone numbers solely for the purpose of using them in the movie or on TV.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Jaun and Melodee Devevo are both members of the band Casting Crowns and Melodee says that a quote from Ozwald Chambers is very applicable in their lives right now. The quote saw: When God gives you a vision and darkness follows, wait. God will bring the vision He has given you to reality in your life if you will wait on His timing. Never try to help God fulfill His word. Melodee added: Big decisions for the DeVevos!

Colton Dixon was one of 14 well known individuals who recently talked with People Magazine about saving themselves for marriage. The article also included Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson, Track star Lolo Jones and singer Kevin Jonas. Colton told PEOPLE. “Anywhere we’ve traveled before, we’ve always gotten two hotel rooms. We wanted to remain pure in that area.”  
http://bit.ly/PeopleColtonandAnnie

Skillet front man John Forman sat down with tattoo.com recently to talk about art, tattoos and band’s tenth studio album, ‘Unleashed’. During the interview, John shared: I love traditional tattoo art, but I also like realistic art as well. I like my tattoos to mean something to me and to make a statement of who I am. Read the entire article at http://www.tattoo.com/blog/exclusive-interview-skillet

Blanca was detoxing over the weekend. She posted a picture of the salad she was having for lunch and added: Trying to detox from the amount of cruise food I ate this week!
 https://www.instagram.com/p/BPf_RUWDNdM/

Matthew West has been spending time at the cabin in early 2017 working on new music and late last week he had a special guest. Matthew posted: Thanks to Steven Curtis Chapman for coming by the cabin today! I’ve been inspired by his music and ministry for a long time. I was first called into ministry at his concert so writing today was a real full circle moment. 
https://www.instagram.com/p/BPd5NxHDVKE/

Steven Curtis Chapman is on the road this week but it’s not for more concerts. He and his wife Mary Beth are taking their daughter to Duke, UNC and Wake Forest for college visits.
 https://twitter.com/StevenCurtis/status/823252055410282496/photo/1

Mandisa says her love language is DEFINITELY not physical touch. In fact, she actually scored a zero on that section of the love language test. So on National Hugging Day Mandisa chose to share an hugging emoji rather than actually hugging anyone.
 https://www.instagram.com/p/BPiLD7fDs7d/

Jamie Grace is out with a new devotional for all the girls who love “Party Like A Princess”! The 5-week video devotional series is targeted to tween/teen girls in middle and high school. It’s based on Jamie’s new album scheduled to come out later this year. 
http://fb.me/1PgZumVlX

Building 429 guitarist Jesse Garcia was struggling with real life over the weekend. He posted: Two appliances bit the dust when I got back home… how is this possible?

Worship Leader Merideth Andrews says her daughter Frankie was trying a new makeup look on Sunday. She posted: 2 year old with markers. Got bored with paper. Guess we’re going to church like this. https://www.instagram.com/p/BPlLddJA1OP/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Hassan Jamil’s love affair with Donald Trump began in the thick of the American presidential campaign, when he found himself glued to his television screen on the other side of the world each night, transfixed by the billionaire’s “beautiful” hair, commanding presence and magnetic speaking style. The night Trump clinched the presidency, Jamil made a decision that took his pregnant wife by surprise. He said, “I decided that if my wife gave birth to a boy, I would 100 percent name him Trump.”  ***Seeing as his newborn son will also throw temper tantrums and demand unwavering attention for the next four years, the name Trump does kinda seem appropriate.

New White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer used his first news conference Saturday to angrily go after the press for what he said was false reporting about the crowd at Friday’s inaugural. Spicer insisted that President Trump’s swearing in ceremony drew the biggest crowd ever.  ***Obviously he had to cover this issue, because it’s a pressing matter on the minds of most voters and is a matter of national security.

Patrick Stewart will be voicing the “poop” emoji in the upcoming “The Emoji Movie.” ***I’m sorry, that should be SIR Patrick Stewart… voicing poop.  Apparently, knighthood isn’t what it used to be.

A rain-soaked box aboard a flatbed pickup truck ruptured in Wisconsin last Thursday, coating a stretch of highway with hundreds of thousands of red Skittles. ***In this case you probably do NOT want to taste the rainbow.

Donald Trump has named New York Jets owner Woody Johnson as our new ambassador to the United Kingdom. ***Lets just hope they don’t try to talk about football – that conversation will get awkward before you can yell GOOOAL!!!

American Airlines is going to start selling restricted “basic economy” tickets with absolutely no frills on flights. ***If you use your seat cushion as a flotation device you will be charged extra.

President Obama signed just 1,227 bills into law in his eight years, lower than even most one term presidents. ***But all of those signed bills were disasters, so it evens out.

You’ve heard he phrase “lose your marbles”. It’s another way of saying you’ve lost your mind. A trucker in Indiana lost his marbles — 38,000 pounds of them. His truck lost its trailer and his load of marbles spread on the shoulder and in the median.  ***Even more shocking… in 2017 people still play with marbles!

A report out Sunday says the crowd at the Women’s March on Washington was at least three times larger than the crowd at Trump’s inauguration.  ***Maybe so, but none of the attendees at Trump’s inauguration were dressed like vaginas.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

New research says that doctors cut the umbilical cord too soon.  ***Finally – a problem that doesn’t apply to me.  My mom didn’t cut my umbilical cord until I got married and moved out of the house.

Women wearing her man’s clothing can often be sexy. Like the button-down dress shirt she wears instead of a nightgown. Oh yeah. And now, supposedly, women are wearing men’s underwear. At department store Marks & Spencer, the barometer of underwear in the UK, women are now buying more men’s underwear than men, and while it can’t be confirmed how many girls are buying for their guys, they do know that a particular line of boxers is walking out the door and ending up on women. ***Word of caution – this does not work the other way around, boys.  Do not fit yourself for a sexy teddy.

According to new research, listening to music at work actually makes you better at your job. The study found that workers performed their tasks better if they were listening to music. More than 80% of those involved in the study had more accurate test results and worked faster if they had music going. However it should be noted, that the study was conducted on behalf of several music licensing companies so the people behind the research definitely had a stake in the results.  ***Wait… a survey that has an agenda?  Gee, you never hear of that happening!

More than half of U.S. employees say they take business calls or check their work emails while on vacation. The convenience of laptops and mobile devices make vacation-time work easier than ever, but researchers say there is such a thing as too much work and it’s necessary that we simply unplug from the office.  ***Unplug from the office?  Heck, I’m always looking to plug IN to get my cell phone recharged.

A new study indicates that grapefruit can help dieters lose weight and it may also be a good way of controlling blood sugar levels. Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, found that mice that drank grapefruit juice while eating a high-fat diet for three months gained 18 percent less weight than a control group that drank water. In addition, the mice in the grapefruit group had improved levels of glucose and insulin. ***I tried this – and it wasn’t bad once I covered it in sugar.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, a small badger sold fancy shoes to all of the jungle animals (and me), promising each of us that we’d be the envy of all of our friends. We weren’t. So we all went out and bought fancier shoes without the others knowing – so again, none of us were the envy of the jungle. Now Millard is trying to buy fancier shoes yet…

CLOSE: I am never going to complain that my wife buys too many shoes ever again. These things don’t even match my checkerboard socks. That’s it… I’m done. Sounds like the jungle animals are too. We’re all broke, and we all have…well let’s face it, ridiculous looking shoes. Just wait until Millard finds out. And he will… next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Milk DUHD?

15-year-old Luke Porto is a freshman at Father Lopez High School in Port Orange, Florida. He bit a Milk Dud in half and then made a decision that may affect the rest of his life. He threw the remaining half out the window of his mother’s moving car, hoping to get a chuckle out of his 4-year-old brother. That spawned a chain of events that has landed him in juvenile court. Diane Berring claims the Dud hit her windshield, cracked it and caused $250 in damage. At first, she offered to accept $12 for a car wash and an apology from the teen. But after he displayed a “bad attitude,” she decided to press full charges. Diane said, “I didn’t want money, I wanted a little remorse.” Now Luke’s going to court where he could be required to pay for damages, write a letter of apology and perform community service.

TOP TEN

TOP 10 NEW WAYS OF THINKING ABOUT CHURCH

1. Hey! It’s my turn to sit in the front pew.

2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

4. I’ve decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let’s pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

7. I love it when we sing songs I’ve never heard before!

8. Since we’re all here, let’s start the service early.

9. Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

The car was intrepid; the driver was not.

FILE #1: Florida’s Jose Dones was on his way into Manhattan behind the wheel of a Dodge Intrepid. He might have made it had the temporary registration tag on the car’s rear window not have been expired. Jose might have overcome that little obstacle had he had some sort of proof that he actually owned the vehicle or had he not been using stolen license plates. Those are little matters you might want to take care of if you’re using that car to transport $6 million in cocaine. Dones was busted for drug possession and resisting arrest.

FILE #2: Two men in ski masks with handguns walked into Palomas Restaurant & Cantina in Bluffton, South Carolina, late Friday and took $170 as employees were cleaning up. The men fired their guns, which along with a waitress’ scream alerted a man at the adjacent bar. He attempted to sneak outside and lock the robbers in. When that didn’t work, he chased the robbers into the woods. An owner, employees and customers followed, some carrying pool cues. When one of the robbers stopped and tried to fight his pursuers, they began beating the 6-foot-3-inch man with the pool cues and tree branches. Deputies conducting a traffic stop nearby were waved down and arrested Anthony Tyrone Baker. Most of the stolen money had been dropped on the restaurant floor and in the woods.

FILE #3: A man in Germany broke into a shop to steal a karaoke set by ripping open his down jacket and stuffing the goods inside. However, the crime spree didn’t take flight, as he failed to notice that after ripping open his coat, feathers began leaking out. A witness notified police, who followed the trail of feathers to his home. The man was said to be astonished when police came knocking at his door shortly afterwards to arrest him.  ***MARLAR: And now he has the feathers of a jailbird!

STRANGE LAW: In Denver, Colorado, it is illegal to loan your vacuum cleaner to your neighbor.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A drunk driver calls a wrong number to get help changing his flat tire.

A drunk driver was arrested in Germany after he accidentally rang the police instead of a breakdown service when he had a flat tire.  Before he realized who he was speaking to, the 31-year-old let it slip that he had no license and was driving under the influence.  The man, who lost his license eight years ago, had a blow out while driving a car borrowed from a friend.  He had a blood alcohol level that was seven times the legal limit, and when he tried to call the German equivalent of AAA he became confused and dialed the emergency number for the police.  The drunken man phoned and said: “My car is broken and I need you to come and fix it. You better be quick because I’m really pretty drunk and I don’t have a license so it wouldn’t be good if the cops drove past.”  A police spokesman said: “He wanted us to come quickly, so we did.”

PHONER PHUN

This is National Take Back Your Time Week. If you could find a way to take back some time, what would you use that newly-found time for?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What in the Bible is described as “clear as crystal?”
ANSWER: The river of water of life. (Revelation 22:1)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What animal is responsible for the most human deaths worldwide?

ANSWER: Mosquitoes

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The ad slogan for the Lava Lamp was “An Emotion For Every Emotion.” (True)

2. Actor John Travolta, a Scientologist in 2001, enrolled in a seminary when he was 14. (False, Tom Cruise)

3. The birthstone for September is the sapphire. (True)

4. In the NFL for more than 80 years, the NY Giants have had many nicknames, one of which is “G-Men.” (True)

5. There are more TV sets in America than there are people in Japan. (Sad, but TRUE)

6. At this point, only 3% of us who made a New Year’s resolution to lose eight are still biding by that resolution. (True)

7. Female armadillos have exactly two babies at a time. (False – they have four babies at a time.)

8. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 minutes! (False… it only lasted 13 seconds!)

9. The electric chair was invented by a dentist! (True… that explains a lot, doesn’t it?)

10. The placement of a donkey’s eyes in its’ heads enables it to see all four of it’s feet at the same time. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

______ CAPTAIN HAUNTS CRUISE SHIP CAPTAIN (TITANIC)

ITALY – Costa Concordia cruise ship Captain, Francesco Schettino (Captain Coward) is reportedly being haunted by Titanic Captain, Edward John Smith.

They call him Captain Coward – the skipper who had no intention of going down with his ship. While the passengers of the doomed Costa Concordia cruise liner were caught up in the confusion after the ship ran aground, witnesses have told how Captain Francesco Schettino and many of his crew headed for the lifeboats.

One couple, French military officer Ophelie Gondelle and police officer David Du Pays, said they saw the captain in a lifeboat, covered by a blanket, well before all the passengers were off the ship.

Asked about the suggestion that the captain had abandoned ship, senior prosecutor Francesco Verusio said: “Unfortunately, I must confirm that circumstance.”

NOW, there are reports that Schettino, 52, who is in custody with Italian authorities, is being haunted by the brave Titanic captain, Edward John  Smith.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

One day a lady decided to call a pastor who had his own show on the radio.  The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was obviously crying, said, “Pastor, I was born blind, and I’ve been blind all my life. I don’t mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed.”

The pastor asked her, “Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?”

“Yes I do,” she replied.

“Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane,” He said. “Then tell them, ‘If you had more faith that wouldn’t hurt!'”

JOKE #2

The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, “I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?”

One of the three men stepped forward, “Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful.”

“I see. And what did you use to break the bars?” The warden asked.

Replied the spokesman, “French Toast…”

JOKE #3

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”

USELESS FACTS

Whether you tend to sit or stand may make a difference of up to 350 calories a day, researchers at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota, report. Overweight people in the study spend about two and a half extra hours daily chair bound than did their lean counterparts. Give up your seat on the bus or rise when you answer the phone; it may mean a more fit you.  ***Eat those cookies while standing and it’s like you never ate them at all!

A recent study suggests that kids are getting fatter because lack of sleep is changing their metabolism.  ***So, kids are getting fat because they’re just not lazy enough!

FEATURED FUNNIES

BRAGGING CUT SHORT

At the company water cooler, John bragged about his children’s world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and his daughter was completing a yearlong research project in India. One co-worker’s quip, however, stopped John short.  “What is it about you,” he asked, “that makes your kids want to get so far away?”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

If you write a bad check to pay for your car insurance, should you still be covered if you get into an accident?  West Virginia’s Supreme Court says YES!

Back in 2001, Stephanie Conley gave an agent for West Virginia National insurance company a $174 check on August 15 for automobile coverage. She then received the “issued” policy on Aug. 30 with the effective coverage starting August 15, and on August 31 was involved in a collision resulting from her negligence. However, by then her $174 check had bounced, and the company considered the policy null and void. But, the West Virginia Supreme Court just ruled that Miss Conley was nonetheless covered on August 31 because the company had not given her 10 days’ cancellation notice.  ***MARLAR: Isn’t our judicial system wonderful?

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

MARBLE TRADER
During the waning years of the Depression in a small southeastern Idaho community, I used to stop by Brother Miller’s roadside stand for farm-fresh produce as the season made it available. Food and money were still extremely scarce and bartering was used extensively.

One particular day Brother Miller was bagging some early potatoes for me. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily appraising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas.

I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn’t help overhearing the conversation between Brother Miller and the ragged boy next to me.

“Hello Barry, how are you today?”

“H’lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus’ admirin’ the peas… sure look good.”

“They are good, Barry. How’s your Ma?”

“Fine. Gittin’ stronger alla’ time.”

“Good. Anything I can help you with?”

“No, Sir. Jus’ admirin’ them peas.”

“Would you like to take some home?”

“No, Sir. Got nuthin’ to pay for ’em with.”

“Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?”

“All I got’s my prize marble here.”

“Is that right? Let me see it.”

“Here ’tis. She’s a dandy.”

“I can see that. Hmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?”

“Not ‘zackley… but, almost.”

“Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble.”

“Sure will. Thanks, Mr. Miller.”

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said: “There are two other boys like him in our community. All three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn’t like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, perhaps.”

I left the stand, smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Utah but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys and their bartering.

Several years went by each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Brother Miller had died.

They were having his viewing that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon our arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.

Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts… very professional looking.

They approached Mrs. Miller, standing smiling and composed, by her husband’s casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket.

Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary, awkwardly wiping his eyes.

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and mentioned the story she had told me about the marbles. Eyes glistening she took my hand and led me to the casket.

“Those three young men that just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim “traded” them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size… they came to pay their debt.

“We’ve never had a great deal of the wealth of this world,” she confided, “but, right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho.”

With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three, magnificently shiny, red marbles.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the wilderness, where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. – Luke 4:1-2

Part of our human experience involves temptation. Many have said that in order for Jesus to truly be our savior, he had to experience all of our human emotions and feelings. Temptation is one of those human experiences Jesus had to experience.

The problem is that there are simply too many temptations in life. Here are a few of them: Mae West says that whenever she had to choose between two evils, she picked the one she hadn’t tried yet.

“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning,” said one, “sleep late.”

A lawyer and his client are sitting in the law office and the client says to the lawyer, “The question of right and wrong is very clear. I want you to cloud it up for me.”

Yes, there is temptation all around us, but we don’t have to give in to it.

Forgiving God, help me to not be led into temptation, but help me to live a holy life for you. Amen.

–Author Unknown

LEFTOVERS

A JOB TO DIE FOR

It looked like a job to die for – literally…

…Nick Lovegrove was hunting for a job in the classified ads when he ran across an opening that had a unique requirement. You had to be dead! The description on the card was very vague and didn’t say where the job was, how long for or what the pay was – just that you had to be dead! Lovegrove confessed, “I’d go to almost any lengths to get my foot on the career ladder but I would have to draw the line at this.” The ad actually wasn’t looking for a dead person, rather it was just a typo. The ad meant to refer to a training opportunity for disabled people. It contained the initials “DEAD”, when it should have just read “DEA” – standing for “disability employment advisors”.

LIFE… LIVE IT

WOULD YOU LIKE A RAISE?

No employer in the history of the world ever asked an employee, “Would you like a raise?”  If they did, we’d all drop dead.  No, we have to ask, fight, connive, back stab to get a raise.  And there are always lists that tell you how to ask for one.  But, just as importantly, is how NOT to ask.  And that’s what we’re here for.

  • Don’t Threaten to Quit.  You may just have given your boss the opening to fire you that he’s been looking for.

  • Don’t Say You Should Be Paid the Same as Good Old Bob.  He may have education and experience that you don’t.

  • Don’t Go For Overkill.  You’re meeting with the boss to have a conversation about your pay, not to make a power-point presentation. Simply sock it to him and move on.

  • Don’t Tell The Boss Why You Need More Money.  Everyone has unexpected expenses, and saying things like “Man, the price of an Extra Value Meal has just sky rocketed” sounds hollow.

  • Don’t Stamp Your Feet, Pound the Desk or Cry.  I tried that.  It flat does not work.

  • Don’t Get PersonalSaying things like, “If you ever want to see your dog again you’ll give me a salary increase” likely isn’t going to work.

JUST FOR FUN

FORE!

In Germany you have to pass a written test and show your skills at driving to get a license! Can you believe that?!?  Oh… did I mention this is for a GOLF license?

Before you’re allowed to tee off in Germany, you must first pass a written test and then show your skills in putting, chipping, and driving! Supposedly, this is Germany’s way of keeping slow playing beginners off of the courses. ***If you’re not allowed on the course as a beginner, how are you supposed to get any better so you can qualify to get on the course?

FUN LIST

  • SIGNS YOU REALLY NEED TO CLEAN YOUR HOUSE

  • “I love the Monkees” written in the dust of your coffee table
  • The dust mites have unionized
  • Several homeless people have complained about the filth and moved out
  • Instead of vacuuming, at this point it probably makes more sense to rake your rug
  • Even the cockroaches offer to help

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

HOW TO CUT COSTS ON YOUR COFFEE ADDICTION

  • Stop Ordering Specialty Drinks: Latte lovers listen up: CBS MoneyWatch points out that a daily $4 latte adds up to roughly $28 a week, which is the equivalent of about $120 a month and $1,460 a year. Think of all the things you could do with that cash. Making the switch to a simple cup of brewed coffee can cut your spending by nearly half.

  • Order a Smaller Size: Reduce your spending further by ordering a smaller serving size. You’ll still get your caffeine fix but save roughly 50 to 75 cents a day, depending on prices at your local coffee shop.

  • Use Your Own Cup: Many coffee shops, from large chains to local independents, are strutting their environmental bona fides these days. And cutting down on disposable cups is a good way to reduce waste. Starbucks, for one, encourages customers to use their own travel mug by offering a 10-cent discount — an easy way to offset that 10-cent price hike.

  • Make Your Own: Making coffee at home is an even better way to save money. Need proof? An analysis conducted by Daily Finance that pitted a $2.29 Starbucks “grande” (medium) regular coffee against the (approximate) 17-cent cost of brewing a cup at home found the annual savings amounted to $835.85.

  • Quit the Habit Altogether:  If you’re really serious about saving, forget all these suggestions on how to cut coffee costs. The best way to curb spending is to quit coffee for good.  ***MARLAR: Pfft… yeah, right!!

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Sleeping on your side — as opposed to your back or tummy — appears to more effectively remove brain waste and so could help reduce your chances of developing Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s and other neurological diseases, according to researchers at Stony Brook University. While we sleep, our brains are actively in clean-up mode, sweeping up the junk and gunk that accumulate while we are awake. The Stony Brook study found that sleeping on the side is the best position to most efficiently remove waste from the brain. Brain waste includes amyloid and tau proteins, chemicals that negatively affect brain processes if they build up and could contribute to the development of Alzheimer’s disease and other neurological conditions. Side sleeping, also called lateral sleeping, is the most common sleep position for both humans and animals, including animals in the wild. God may have created us to do this naturally simply because it is the best position for the brain.

Each year, more than 800,000 people are released from federal and state prisons, and an estimated 22% have visible tattoos. Often, these tattoos prevent previously incarcerated individuals from finding a job. That’s where San Francisco Bay Area based nonprofit Jails to Jobs comes in. The organization has created a training program to teach medical professionals, tattoo artists, and others how to create a free or low-cost tattoo removal program to serve the communities in which they operate.
http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/organizations-learning-cheap-tattoo-removal-help-inmates-get-jobs/

Who does the homework in your house? Is it the student or the parents? If you admit it’s you, the parent, you are not alone. 43 percent of parents admitted in a national survey of 778 parents with children younger than age 18 that they do their kids’ homework for them. And in the South, a whopping 87 percent do the homework, reports Ask.com. The top reason given by parents is a lack of time. In the few hours after children get home from daycare and before they go to bed, much must be accomplished, including homework, dinner and baths. Older children may also have activities, such as sports practices or piano lessons. It’s just easier, parents say, to do the homework themselves. Besides, the kids are exhausted, many of whom got to before-school daycare before the sun rose. If you think you’re pulling one over on the teacher, think again. Teachers can easily spot a parent’s work, be it on a worksheet or a big project. Although, it’s tough to prove. There is one unintended lesson you may be teaching your kids: Cheating is OK. After all, it is cheating and unethical when parents do homework the child was meant to do and pass it off as the child’s work.

If you want to sleep better at night, then change your diet. People who eat less fiber and more saturated fat and sugar are far more likely to experience lighter, less restorative and more disruptive sleep, according to researchers from Columbia University Medical Center in New York City. And the opposite is also true. Those whose diets have a greater amount of fiber, higher protein and less saturated fat and sugar, are able to fall asleep faster and spend more time in the stage of deep, slow wave sleep. Specifically, saturated fat is responsible for less slow wave sleep, while sugar is associated with more arousals from sleep. And here’s the most astonishing finding: A single day of greater fat intake and lower fiber is enough to disrupt sleep that night.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Yesterday I saw one of those truck weigh-in stations on the highway – with a back-up of trucks waiting in line. You know, I think that if I were a truck driver, during one of my vacations I would fill my trailer with helium balloons and drive around looking for one of those police truck inspections, just to see the look on their faces when they put THAT baby on the scales. And then they’d want to open up the doors, and I’d beg and plead them not to do so – which, of course, would make them want to open it even more… and then I’d panic when they opened the doors, watch the balloons fly into the air, and then start screaming about how they’re going to make me lose my job.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JANUARY 20, 2017…

20th Century Women—Annette Bening shines in this film of three generations of women in the mid-1970’s and how they cope with changing times. The cast includes Elle Fanning (great work), and Greta Gerwig. Wonderful soundtrack, too.  “20th Century Women” is rated R for sexual content. Rating of 2.

Split—What an interesting premise from M. Night Shyamalan. This story concerns the kidnapping of three girls, Haley Lu Richardson, Jessica Sula and Anya Taylor-Joy, by creepy James McAvory. He has many  personalities within him and which one can help the girls? Like a game of Russian Roulette. “Split” is rated R. No rating.

XXX: The Return Of Xander Cage—Vin Diesel stars again as Xander Cage, who comes back after years in hiding, to fight villain Donnie Yan and find a hidden secret weapon. That just about explains the plot. Also in the cast are Nina Debrov and Samuel L. Jackson. “XXX: Return Of Xander Cage” is rated R. No rating.

The Founder (opening from an earlier date)—Ray Kroc made McDonalds a global name with unique marketing. However, the real founders were the McDonald brothers (played by Nick Offerman and John Carroll).  Kroc is played by Michael Keaton. This is a study in how to build a business, ruthless though it may be. “The Founder” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

JANUARY 27, 2017…

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter has Mila Jovovich back in action against the Umbrella Corporation.

Julieta (opening from an earlier date) stars Emma Svarez as a woman looking for her daughter. Subtitles.

Gold (opening from an earlier date) and has Matthew McConaughey as a man who does anything to find money.

A Dog’s Purpose is a series of vignettes about animals and their owners. Bring hanky.

Bastards is a comedy starring Owen Wilson who is in search of his father, long presumed deceased.

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