January 25, 2017: Wednesday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170125

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! It’s part of your subscription now! Email me to get FTP access and your free customized tag!)

…..

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Got a jury summons. I’m gonna get out of it by asking the judge if each of my personalities vote in the deliberation. (It’s my “Nine Angry Men” strategy.)

The following program is NOT pre-recorded because I’m much too smart to leave any incriminating evidence.

I’ve debated reading the book of Numbers in the Bible… but I’m afraid to. I can’t even balance my own checkbook.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord. — Leviticus 19:18

Because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in our transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved. — Ephesians 2:4-5

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. — Psalm 139:9-10

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. — Romans 5:8

Thought: Interestingly, the Bible doesn’t ever just say that God loves us. Instead, it says: “God demonstrated his love…” “In this is love, not that we loved God but that God loved us and gave…” “For God so loved the world that he gave…” Love is more than emotion or intention. True love, redemptive love, God-styled love is active; it does something. For us, Jesus did more than something; he sacrificed everything. What’s more, he did it when we most needed it. He demonstrated his love when we were sinners!

Prayer: Father, thank you for loving me. I love you. I love you for what you’ve done. I love you for who you are. I love you for your promises. I love you for your faithfulness. Most of all, dear Father, I love you because of Jesus who showed me just how much you love me. Please empower me to show my love by serving and giving to others as Jesus did. In his name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Peter 2:25 NIV = For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – JANUARY 25, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
334 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is I AM THE GREATEST DAY. ***Now, it’d be incredibly vain to say that this day is for me. And normally, if I’m talking about a “today is” kind of thing, it’s something everyone can relate to and celebrate. But calling yourself “the greatest”, well, we can’t all be the greatest now, can we? So, today it’s my turn to be the greatest… you can have tomorrow.

Today is DON’T FENCE ME IN DAY. ***I’m guessing it’s going to be a really long day for the owners and patrons of Karaoke establishments.

Today is GO TO THE OPERA DAY. ***Uh… now where are those Karaoke establishments again?

Today is MIRACLES ALL AROUND ME DAY, a day to look for miracles you might be missing.

Today is GLORY IN SIMPLE ARTISTIC ACHIEVEMENTS DAY, a day to become the first person in your family to hand-paint a Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup bottle.

Today is FOR PETE’S SAKE DAY.  ***By the way, who is Pete and why do we do or don’t do things for his sake?

Today is NATIONAL CHOCOLATE COVERED PEANUTS DAY.

Unfortunately, today is also LET’S ALL EAT RIGHT DAY.  ***Which kind of puts a damper on those chocolate covered peanuts.

Today is READ FIVE PAGES IN THE DICTIONARY DAY.

According to Jonathan Swift, today is INSIPID DAY.  ***According to one of the five pages of the dictionary, the word “insipid” means: “Lacking flavor or zest; not tasty.  Lacking qualities that excite, stimulate, or interest; dull.”

Speaking of dull, today is NATIONAL DON’T UTTER A WORD DAY.  ***Especially if that word is insipid, because we’re bored enough as it is.

TODAY IS ALSO…
A Room of One’s Own Day
Macintosh Computer Day Link
National Irish Coffee Day Link
Opposite Day Link
Robert Burns Day Link

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

THURSDAY, JANUARY 26

Dental Drill Appreciation Day
Lotus 1-2-3 Day
National Peanut Brittle Day Link
Toad Hollow Day of Encouragement

FRIDAY, JANUARY 27

Auschwitz Liberation Day
Fun at Work Day
Holocaust Memorial Day
International Day of Commemoration in Memory of the Victims of the Holocaust Link
National Big Wig Day Link
National Geographic Day
National Pre-school Fitness Day Link
Thomas Crapper Day
Viet Nam Peace Day

SATURDAY, JANUARY 28

A.F.R.M.A. Fancy Rat & Mouse Day
Data Privacy Day Link  Link
National Kazoo Day Link
National Seed Swap Day
Thank A Plugin Developer Day Link
Visit Your Local Quilt Shop Day

SUNDAY, JANUARY 29

Curmudgeons Day
Freethinkers Day
National Puzzle Day Link
Seeing Eye Dog Day
Thomas Paine Day
World Leprosy Day

MONDAY, JANUARY 30

Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day Link and Link
Croissant Day Link
Inane Answering Message Day

TUESDAY, JANUARY 31

Appreciate Your Social Security Check Day
Inspire Your Heart with Art Day
Street Children Day Link  Link

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 01

Candy-Making Day
Car Insurance Day
Change Your Password Day Link
Decorating With Candy Day
G.I. Joe Day
Hula in The Coola Day
International Face & Body Art Day Link
Freedom Day
National Signing Day Link
Robinson Crusoe Day
Serpent Day Link
Spunky Old Broads Day
National Girls & Women in Sports Day

ON THIS DAY

1793: George Washington convened the first U.S. Cabinet meeting — at his home.

1836: Inventor Samuel Colt patented the revolver.

1919: Oregon became the first U.S. state to tax gasoline.

1950: “Your Show of Shows,” starring Sid Caesar and Imogene Coka, debuted on NBC-TV. The shows writers included Carl Reiner, Neil Simon, Woody Allen, and Mel Brooks.

1956: Elvis Presley scored his first #1 country song with “I Forgot To Remember To Forget.” Less than a month later “Heartbreak Hotel” would also hit #1.

1957: Buddy Holly and the Crickets recorded “That’ll Be the Day” in Clovis, New Mexico.

1965: The Beatles began filming their second movie “Eight Arms To Hold You.” The title later was changed to Help!

1978: The top three songs on the U.S. charts (“Stayin Alive,” “How Deep Is Your Love,” and “Night Fever”) were all by the Bee Gees. The #4 song, Andy Gibb’s “Love Is Thicker Than Water,” and the #5 song, Samantha Sang’s “Emotion,” were written by the Bee Gees.

1984: Luc Labrie finally went indoors after 138 hours of continuous skiing at Daie Comeau, Quebec. That’s 5 days 18 hours and a Guinness world record.

1989: With his Fairview High School team trailing Iroquois 50-49 in Erie, Pennsylvania, 17-year-old Chris Eddy launched a desperation shot at the buzzer 90 feet 2 inches from the basket. Fairview won 51-50 with history’s longest basketball goal.

1992: Singer Natalie Cole won seven awards at the 34th annual Grammys, including best album for “Unforgettable.”

1996: The first Christian Nudist Conference closed at a campground near Longwood, North Carolina. Some 40 “conservative nudists” attended the conference. Retired Penticostal minister David Phipps, who walked the grounds with a pet pig on a leash, said, “God didn’t create us with clothes. There are a lot of people walking around in $400 suits that I wouldn’t trust my pig with.”

1998: At its annual insect exhibition, the Johannesburg Zoo in South Africa served up examples of some 5,000 different species. Favorites at the outdoor barbecue included chocolate-covered fried termites and mopani worm hamburgers.

2003: Chief U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix said Iraq was showing new signs of real cooperation, but President Bush dismissed the idea and predicted Saddam Hussein would try to “fool the world one more time.”

2004: The Mel Gibson film ”The Passion of the Christ” opened in 3,000 U.S. theaters on Ash Wednesday.

2006: Veteran Emmy-winning comic star Don Knotts, best known for his Barney Fife on “The Andy Griffith Show,” died of lung cancer. He was 81. (audio clip)

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

616 (traditional date): Ethelbert, the first Christian English king and instigator of the first written code of British law, dies.

1570: Pope Pius V excommunicates England’s Protestant Queen Elizabeth I, declaring her to be a usurper to the throne. It was the last time a pope “deposed” a reigning monarch.

1536: Anabaptist Jakob Hutter is tortured, whipped, and immersed in freezing water (to mock baptismal practices), then doused with brandy and burned. King Ferdinand had ordered the persecution of all Anabaptists because of a few violent, millennialist revolutionaries in Munster, Germany—even though most Anabaptists were pacifists and renounced the Munsterite rebellion.

1796: Death of Samuel Seabury, first bishop of the Protestant Episcopal Church in the United States (formerly Anglican). His efforts to rebuild the denomination were hampered by suspicion of his English connections during the American revolutionary war.

1945: Sheldon Folk, called to mission work in Kenya, leaves without his wife, whom the doctor says is too sick to go. He serves a full term after which the doctor changes his mind and allows Lois to accompany him.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (Reese on “Malcolm in the Middle”) Justin Berfield 31 (audio clip)
  • twin actors James and Oliver Phelps (Fred and George Weasley from the Harry Potter films) 31
  • “American Idol” contestant Kimberly Caldwell, 35 (audio clip)
  • Actor (50 First Dates, Samwise “Sam” Gamgee in Lord of the Rings trilogy) Sean Astin 46 — In 2001 Sean had his image as Samwise immortalized on a 90 cent New Zealand postage stamp that he shares with Lord of the Rings co-star Elijah Wood (Frodo). However, Sean’s last name is spelled incorrectly on the presentation pack of the stamps — Austin instead of Astin.
  • Actress (“Madam Secretary”, Spanglish, Family Man, Jurassic Park 3, Deep Impact, “The Naked Truth”) Tea Leoni, 51
  • Comedian Carrot Top 51 — His real name is Scott Thompson.
  • Actress (the mom, Caroline Ingalls, on “Little House on the Prairie”) Karen Grassle, 73 (audio clip)
  • Former TV talk show host Sally Jessy Raphael, 74
  • TV journalist (“Face the Nation”) Bob Schieffer, 80 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1942 : Roy Michaels (Cat Mother & the All Night Newsboys)

1943 : George Harrison (The Beatles, The Traveling Wilburys)

1947 : David Stensen (The Grass Roots)

1957 : Dennis Diken (The Smithereens)

1959 : Mike Peters (The Alarm)

1973 : Justin Jeffre (98 Degrees)

1976 : Daniel Powter

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why is there more static electricity in winter than in summer?

To get static electricity, you need two objects with a substantial difference in electrical charge between them. That difference in charge occurs when it’s difficult for the charge from one to be conducted to the other. That happens when the air between them is characterized by low conductivity. Dry air, found in a heated room on a cold day, has that low conductivity. Until the difference in charge builds up enough, the two objects might as well be, shall we say, poles apart. But when the difference is sufficiently large to overcome the low conductivity, the result can make your hair stand on end.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

NeedToBreathe was in Tola, Nicaragua over the weekend opening the first NEEDTOBREATHE Clinic with One World Health! Last summer the band raised enough money to build the Medical Center. Work on the clinic was finished late last year.
https://twitter.com/NEEDTOBREATHE/status/823213509639016448/photo/1

Mercyme front man Bart Millard: Did you just say the Falcons were going to the SuperBowl? Better play the game tomorrow, cuz Jesus will be here in no time.

Casting Crowns front man Mark Hall: Whoever set the timer for the automatic light shut off in our church bathroom must be a superhuman. In the dark. Can’t see to flush.

Citizenway member Josh Calhoun: Just met a kid at this youth retreat with the first name Cal, last name Houn.

Mollie Hemingway: Among items people didn’t accurately convey to me about life: you have to make dinner for your kids literally every night. It’s never-ending

New music from Jeremy Camp is in the works. Late last week Jeremy posted a picture of a microphone and added: So it begins! Working on a new record. I’m so blown away at what the Lord has been doing during this time of writing. 
https://twitter.com/jeremycamp/status/822856879080689664/photo/1

Mercyme’s Bart Millard: My new year’s resolution is to avoid standing in lines. I’m off to a horrible start.

In October Chris Tomlin released his first children’s book, “Good Good Father”. Now Chris says they adapted the book with a whole new story specifically for your littlest ones. Also included are coloring sheets and scripture memorization flash cards. Find out more about “Good Good Father for Little Ones” at http://tomlin.cta.gs/0rz.

Plumb says temptation can even come in the form of breakfast cereal. She posted a picture of Chocolate Cheerios and added one hash tag: #danger.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BPcsz5zDNR6/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Men’s Health says a Cornell University study found dieters shown a negative message about junk food like it’s evil ate 39 percent more of it than people given a positive message like it’s tasty.   ***Liking what’s bad for us… it’s the American way!

United Airlines has hired an executive whose job position is listed as “Storyteller.” ***It makes me wonder if they also hired someone to be in charge of naptime and snacktime.

A New Zealand firefighter was injured in the line of duty — while trying to rescue a cat from a tree. The cat and the firefighter both fell from the tree and the firefighter was flown to a hospital.  ***Next time, maybe just use a .22 caliber rifle.

An officer in the small city of Haines City, Florida, ran a red light. He was on his way to lunch making a left turn when the light turned red. After seeing video evidence of his “crime” Officer Tim Glover turned himself in to his boss and wrote himself a ticket. Glover wants people to know most cops are honest and do the right thing, and they’re willing to pay the price if they make a mistake on a lunch break.  ***Did he also eat while driving during that lunch break?  That’s another ticket for distracted driving!

Disney World’s Hall of Presidents is currently closed as the theme park is getting ready to unveil an animatronic President Trump.  ***It’s taking longer than expected because no one can figure out how to get his hair to do that.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Recent research (Heriot-Watt University in the U.K.) found that the brain enters a meditative state when going through green spaces. The findings don’t mean the green space triggered spacing out — rather, the engagement required to walk through a green space is more effortless.  ***Meaning that actors using green screens are the most disengaged people on the planet.

Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) is apparently a real thing for social media users. In fact, a new survey revealed 56% of social media users are afraid of missing out on events, news and important status updates if they are away from social networks.  ***While 56% fear they’ll miss something important, ironically, it’s only .00056% of posts that qualify as such.  The rest are pictures of cats and food.

Fifteen percent of teens report having received “inappropriate” photos via text.  ***The remaining 85% are known pathological liars.

According to research by the Wall Street Journal, the average 3-hour baseball game contains only 18 minutes of action. ***Which means that they’re still getting more done than Congress.

As unbelievable as it may seem, researchers at Harvard have come to the conclusion that ketchup might actually lower your risk of getting prostate cancer. ***Ketchup labels will now include the warning, “for internal use only.”

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals had purchased fancier and fancier shoes hoping to be the envy of all of the others – who also bought fancier and fancier shoes. Now everyone is broke, and Millard is about to find out that he still is not the envy of the entire jungle.

CLOSE: Millard always did learn his lessons slowly. Hopefully soon he’ll learn that looks aren’t all that important… the rest of us can’t afford for this storyline to continue much longer, we’re all broke. Find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Today’s Moment of Duh has a quick lesson on buying real estate.

Today’s Moment of Duh goes to a Kansas City couple who, knowing a YEAR before they made “extensive renovations” to a house and a YEAR before they moved into the house, that a brutal murder took place in the house, are now suing the realtor for $5.7 million for the pain and suffering they claim they experienced for their having lived in a house where a brutal murder took place.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN NEWSPAPER ERRORS

A newspaper is a daily marvel, even a miracle. There are 1,730 of them published daily in the United States with a combined circulation of nearly 62 million. Limitless possibilities exist for error, human and mechanical.  Add the crushing pressure of deadlines, and it’s surprising there aren’t more mistakes.  When goofs do occur, editors scurry to print corrections, even though we often prefer the misprint to the corrected version. Here just a few samples:

1. IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words “state zip code” should have read “pull rip cord.”

2. It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

3. There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting.  It should have been trap shooting.

4. From a California bar association’s newsletter: Correction — the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: “Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m.” Please correct to read “12 noon.”

5. We apologize to our readers who received, through an unfortunate computer error, the chest measurements of members of the Female Wrestlers Association instead of the figures on the sales of soybeans to foreign countries.

6. In Frank Washburn’s March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.

7. Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners’ clothing is rent — that is, torn — not rented.

8. In the City Beat section of Friday’s paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is “Dewey.” Another firefighter is nicknamed “Weirdo.”
We apologize for our mistake.

9. Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler’s Mother, not Hitler’s, that
was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain how this error occurred.

10. Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

The files of Law and Disorder today tell us that it’s always right to get to court on time… but how you get there does make a difference!

FILE #1: A New Zealand man was trying to do the right thing by getting to his court date on time. But he did a bad thing by trying to steal a van in order to get there. Houlyo Steven Regan was due to appear in court in Rangiora when he made the criminally stupid decision. Police spotted him trying to start the vehicle after he’d pushed it out of a motel parking lot. He told police he was trying to get to court when they stopped him. Judge Stephen Erber at Christchurch District Court sentenced him to five months in prison.

FILE #2: Authorities in Montana say a man who had three outstanding warrants for his arrest gave officers a false name during a traffic stop – but ended up in custody anyway because that man was also wanted.  During a traffic stop in Great Falls, Jonothan Ray Gonsalez, of Box Elder, told police that his name was Timothy Michael Koop Jr.  The officer learned a man by that name was wanted in Hill County and arrested him.  Gonsalez finally gave authorities his real name 24 hours later, so a charge of issuing a false report to law enforcement was added.

FILE #3: A thief in Michigan once again proved that the people most responsible for catching criminals are the criminals themselves. A man, who robbed a Saginaw, Michigan restaurant, failed to escape after he pushed with all his might on a door that was clearly marked “pull”. According to the police the man eventually realized his mistake but it was too late.

STRANGE LAW: I know some people think there should be a law against wearing clothes that don’t match. Well, if you live in Carmel, New York, you can actually break the law if you wear a jacket and pants that don’t match. However, the law only applies to men who go mismatched in public.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Police knew something wasn’t quite right after they spotted a man driving a piece of construction lift equipment down a street at 3 a.m.

… The man, who apparently had been drinking, was in the lift bucket of the Genie Boom with an unopened six-pack of beer and a bag of beef jerky when police pulled the vehicle over. He was clocked at 2 mph.  At first the 29-year old man told police he was just going to the store. But when they asked him why he was in the bucket on the lift, he said he was delivering the $20,000 piece of construction equipment on a dare from a stranger he met on Craigslist, according to a police report. The Everett Herald reported the lift apparently had been taken from a construction site.  The man was jailed for investigation of theft.

PHONER PHUN

Today is Miracles All Around Me Day, a day to look for miracles you might be missing. Have you ever witnessed a true miracle, something no one else has experienced or seen? Something that can only be explained by God? What miracle did you experience?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Where were the first disciples called Christians?
ANSWER: At Antioch. (Acts 11:26)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: According to dog training experts, what are the five most popular dog tricks?

ANSWER: Sit, Shake (paw), Roll Over, Speak, and Lie Down

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Orcas (killer whales), when traveling in groups, breathe in unison. (True)

2. Sally Ride was the first woman to enter space. (False. Valentina Tereshkova was the first woman to enter space. She spent three days in space and completed forty-eight orbits of Earth.)

3. The largest apple pie ever baked was four feet in diameter. (False… try FORTY feet in diameter. The pie was three feet thick.)

4. Gerald Ford, George Bush, Tommy Lasorda, Ted Koppel, John F. Kennedy Jr. and Bill Clinton are all left handed. (True)

5. Fidel Castro was once a star baseball player for the University of Havana. (True, in the 1940’s)

6. Harrison Ford’s scar on his face was caused by a bullwhip accident in the first Indiana Jones movie. (False, he received it in a car accident)

7. At one time, Thomas Edison obtained an average of one patent every five days for his new inventions. (True – for a period of about four years)

8. More water flows over Niagara Falls every year than over any other falls on earth. (True)

9. A rhubarb is actually a vegetable, not a fruit. (True – it was changed to a fruit in 1947 by a U.S. Custom Court, who has no control over whether something is botanically a vegetable or a fruit.)

10. The name of the first menthol cigarette in the United States was “Spud.” (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

FETUS ________ (GALAXY)

Astronomers discovered a new galaxy and the cluster of stars, dust and gas is shaped like a human fetus. And it may be alive!

Dr. Jacob Yablonski says the galaxy is located 40 thousand light years from Earth and measures millions of miles across.

He could not explain why scientists haven’t spotted the galaxy before.  He did say that the star system appears to be growing and emits radio waves in short busts that amazingly sound like a human heartbeat.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.

“Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing,” she said.

“So would I,” replied the technician. “It’s a floor-cleaning machine.”

JOKE #2

The seven-year old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”

“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”

“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

JOKE #3

When his auto mechanic came in for an operation, Dr. Grimley couldn’t help but take the opportunity to turn the tables on him.

“Well Frank,” said the doctor, “It’s going to take at least five days for the parts to get in. As for the cost, there’s no way to tell until we get in there and see exactly what the problem is.”

USELESS FACTS

Escape maps, compasses, and files were inserted into Monopoly game boards and smuggled into POW camps inside Germany during W.W.II  ***But you still couldn’t claim them unless you landed on “Free Parking”.

Gardening is said to be one of the best exercises for maintaining healthy bones.  ***Which might be why dogs bury them there.

FEATURED FUNNIES

NEW BANK

My brother called me yesterday to tell me the cutest thing his daughter did. His daughter’s 10th birthday was yesterday (yes, I sent a card) and he thought that maybe Cathy should get something ‘practical’ for her birthday. He wanted to treat her a bit more grown up. You know, now that she’s in the “double digits”. So he suggested that Cathy get a savings account at her parents’ bank. Of course, Cathy was thrilled about it. “It’s your account,” my brother said, “so you fill out the application.”

Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for ‘Name of your former bank.’ After thinking about she finally wrote something down. “Piggy.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

SING, SING A SONG…

In Cambodia it’s against the law to sing “MacArthur Park” or any other song with a karaoke machine. Isn’t that wonderful?

Prime Minister Hun Sen of Cambodia has brought tanks to the war that he is fighting. Who is he at war against? No… not some foreign country, and not any domestic coo either. No… Prime Minister Hun Sen is at war against… karaoke! In fact, he has launched a stern crackdown on the practice, and unveiled a new punishment last week for those participating in karaoke… destruction by tanks. During a radio speech last week, Hun Sen told his military commanders, “If we know of any karaoke parlor still open, go to close it immediately and take tanks to knock it down.” The move has sparked protests from thousands of people who said their livelihoods have been destroyed. ***MARLAR: Let’s be honest… if your livelihood is participating in karaoke, you should thank this man for forcing you to look at other options for a career!

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

STRENGTH IN THE FAMILY

I once heard a story about a startling exhibit in Del Mar, California.  A man took a glass beaker which had a small neck, but was enlarged to about seven inches in diameter below the neck.  The beaker would hold about a quart.

The demonstrator used the glass beaker as a hammer to drive a spike into a wooden plank.  The glass was so well tempered that the beaker did not break.  The man then took a small steel marble or bearing the size of a pea, and holding it at the neck of the beaker, dropped it inside.  When it struck the bottom the glass was shattered and the

beaker was broken from within.

The family, when perfectly united and tempered together with love, can resist the heaviest of blows from the outside.  But just a small force on the inside can destroy this unity and harmony.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

(Modified from Campus Journal and used with permission)

Read: Ephesians 5:8-20

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. –Galatians 5:22-23

Talk about a bad temper! A 21-year-old woman crawled through a drive-up window at a McDonald’s restaurant and went on a rampage. Why? Somebody put hamburgers instead of chicken in her not-so-happy-meal bag. So she naturally went berserk, throwing food and destroying a cash drawer before she left.

By the way, police arrested Miss Congeniality at the drive-in window of the taco place next door. Apparently she was drunk. That would explain a lot, wouldn’t it?

It’s amazing what a little alcohol can do to a person’s behavior. It seems to lower inhibitions and IQs at the same time. A guy will have some drinks and then think he can drive around a tight curve at 85 mph. Or have sex without consequences. Or lash out in anger without concern for the damage being done. It happens all the time.

Quite the opposite happens when men and women drink of the Spirit of God. The apostle Paul pointed out the difference in his letter to the Ephesians. He said we shouldn’t be getting drunk, letting alcohol control us. We need to allow God’s Spirit to fill us and influence our words and our actions (5:18).

In another letter, Paul said that putting ourselves under the influence of the Spirit produces “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23). And then Paul said, “Against such things there is no law.”

There are plenty of laws penalizing people for what they do while under the influence of alcohol. But you won’t find any laws anywhere against the kinds of character qualities that the Holy Spirit produces in us.

So let’s drive, study, take notes, eat, date, work, or whatever, under the influence of the Spirit of God. –KD

LEFTOVERS

SPIDER WOMAN

Do all animals deserve veterinary care? What about ugly spiders?
Felicia Daniels from Springfield, Missouri wants to be a veterinarian when she grows up. She’s off to a good start. Felicia accidentally dropped her eighth-grade classroom’s pet tarantula, cracking the spider’s abdomen. When the tarantula’s innards began to ooze out, it looked like it was all she wrote for the spider named Sir Isaac Newton. Never fear, however, Felicia and her classmates decided to perform surgery on Newton. Wearing plastic gloves and using a Popsicle stick, Felicia pushed back in the spider’s internal organs. They then put him back together by super-gluing his abdomen shut! At last check Sir Isaac Newton was eating and doing well.  ***MARLAR: How appropriate is it that a spider named Sir Isaac Newton was almost done in by gravity?

LIFE… LIVE IT

I’M FATMAN

It’s a disease that causes you to have a large stomach!

According to the Center For Disease Control, “big bellies” are a disease. At least 47 million Americans suffer from “metabolic syndrome,” the CDC says in the Journal of the American Medical Association. The syndrome includes a big belly, high blood pressure, hazardous cholesterol levels and high blood sugar. ***MARLAR: Did you hear that? It’s a DISEASE! So get off my back about how much I eat and how I need to exercise, okay? It’s not my fault!

JUST FOR FUN

SLACKING OFF

I owe all of you a huge apology, February 22nd was a very, very special day of celebration, and yet I ignored it completely and didn’t tell you about it. I’m really sorry about that. I’ll tell you what the day was all about in just a few minutes.

I can’t believe what I did the other day. I am so sorry about this, but apparently February 22nd was a huge day of celebration and it got right past me. You could’ve celebrated if I’d told you about it, but, doggone it, I slacked off and I’m sorry. You see, February 22nd was National Slacker Day (in Britain). The idea was to stay at home in bed and relax for no apparent reason… just to slack off. I guess I really shouldn’t be all that upset though, because recent studies show that we slack of on a regular basis anyway. National Slacker Day is actually a British custom, but I’m sure it could fit us perfectly well too. Listen to this. According to a recent survey, two thirds of people say they could get just as much done working four days a week rather than five. Almost one third of the workers said they surfed the net for an hour or more every day for non-work related reasons. 75% said they used office time to send out emails to friends and acquaintances… again, non-work related. 59% used work time to call family and friends. So why are we like this? Well, easy… we’re slackers. I tried to get hold of the guy who is in charge of National Slacker Day festivities, but I couldn’t reach him… he must’ve been sleeping in.

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOU’VE BOUGHT A LEMON OF A CAR…

  • Your tinted windows are made of 100% Hefty Garbage Bags.

  • The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.

  • The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.

  • The rear-view mirror says, “Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk.”

  • Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you’re taking.

  • The sticker on the windshield says, “Batteries Not Included.”

  • You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.

  • When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.

  • Your hillbilly neighbors keep sizing it up to use as a new planter for their front yard

  • Bumper Sticker: Steal Me – Split the Insurance

  • Kids on razor scooters ask if you have ever thought of moving up in the world.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

 Men are unhappiest between the ages of 35 and 44…

… a time when they are most likely to have a mid-life crisis, reports London’s Evening Standard of a study conducted by the British government. It’s not until men reach age 65 that they start enjoying life like they did in their late teens and early 20s. Women say their unhappiest years were between the ages of 25 and 34 when they were coping with young children. But their happiness rose steadily as they got older, peaking when they passed their 65th birthday. The happiest time of life? Both men and women said their college years, followed by their retirement years. Men may be unhappy, but it’s the women who worry. Almost half of all women said they worry, compared with less than a third of men.  ***MARLAR: So, I’m not going to be happy again until I’m 65?

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

You are likely one of the wealthiest people ever to walk the earth. 1% of the Population Has Almost the Same Amount of Money as the Rest of the 99% Combined. If you make more than $50,000 a year, you are among the top 1 percent of earners on the entire planet. Most of the population of the entire world (80 percent) lives on less than $10 a day. If Your Annual Household Income Is above $9,733, You Are Doing Better Than Most. More than a third of people on earth live on less than $2 a day. 1.2 billion live on less than $1.25. 
http://relm.ag/1PqV9Co

Preparing for a job interview is a lot like preparing for a test in school. Those who are most successful — and the prize is getting the job — are often those who give the best answers to the interview questions. While no one can know in advance the exact questions an interviewer will ask, it is possible to predict a few of them. Rosemary Haefner, chief human resources officer for CareerBuilder, recommends that you prepare for that all-important job interview by first interviewing yourself by answering this question: “Why am I a good fit for this job?”  CareerBuilder surveyed than 2,500 hiring and human resource managers to find out the most common interview questions. About half report asking these five questions:

* Tell me about yourself.

* Why do you want this job?

* Why did you leave your last job?

* What is your greatest strength and greatest weakness?

* Describe a difficult work situation and how you overcame it.

Haefner also offers this advice:

* Research the company before the interview and learn as much as possible about its services, products, customers and competition.

* Practice answering the five typical interview questions with a friend, colleague or coach.

* Be positive.

* Answer all the questions with enthusiasm.

* Never say anything negative about your prior employers or bosses, no matter how bad the situation may have been.

Those who have a higher sense of purpose in life and believe their lives are useful appear to live longer. Although it’s not clear why, believing there is a reason you are here on Earth lowers your risk of death and your risk of developing cardiovascular disease (according to researchers from the Mt. Sinai St. Luke’s-Roosevelt Hospital, New York). A study found that there’s a 20 percent lower risk of death for participants with a high sense of purpose in life. This held even after adjusting for other factors. A higher sense of purpose in life was also related to a lower risk of cardiovascular events. Both associations remained significant on analysis of various subgroups, including country, how purpose in life was measured and whether the studies included participants with pre-existing cardiovascular disease. Why does a sense of purpose appear to extend longevity? The study did not prove a cause-and-effect relationship between the two, but the Mt. Sinai researchers think having a purpose in life can help buffer bodily responses to stress that can lead to cardiovascular disease.  Isn’t it great to know that God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life?  You DO have a purpose – a purpose that affects the kingdom of God for eternity!  No pressure!

What do we do if an asteroid comes hurtling towards Earth?  Well, NASA has a new plan to save Earth from killer asteroids… and its plan is to defeat the asteroid with AN ASTEROID?!?!  Get the details by reading about it at http://nbcnews.to/2jCbCZm

Asking a girl to the prom is something most teenage boys experience.  But that boy creating the dress for his date to wear to the prom – now that’s something special! Jimelle has carved a bright future for himself by making handmade prom dresses. Jimelle began sewing when he was 14 years old, and he converted his small bedroom into his “Sewing Lab.” Each year, he sells three or four custom-made dresses during prom season. He sells the spectacular and elaborate gowns from $300 to $450.  Read more of his story at http://fb.me/1563KArec

Volunteers in Kansas City are working together to build tiny homes for homeless veterans.  The goal is to build 50 houses at 240-square-feet each.  Veterans are overly represented in the homeless population, and this group of volunteers is hoping to remedy that as best they can.  They plan to finish building the homes by winter of this year.  Watch the short video at https://twitter.com/WomansDay/status/822900476731473921/video/1

South Carolina Master Deputy Mike Gibson began working as a part-time school resource officer to protect the young children. However, there was one student who stood apart from the rest. Gibson discovered the boy had been in and out of foster homes. He even heard that due to his behavior, the boy was considered “unadoptable.” Gibson went home and told his wife, Kimber, that although they were parents to three of their own, they needed to bring this boy home and become his foster parents. After becoming his foster parents, the couple decided to officially adopt him. 
http://fb.me/7vbMN13Iy

A very real hazard to your good health is your chair. Or your couch. Or the seat of your car. Sitting for long periods of time working at your desk, watching TV or even driving can increase your risk of an early death from heart disease, type 2 diabetes and other health conditions. But there is a remedy! And it’s very easy. Once an hour, stand up and walk for two minutes. While we are supposed to exercise 2.5 hours a week, 80 percent of us don’t do it. With this in mind, scientists at the University of Utah School of Medicine investigated the health benefits of a more achievable goal, trading sitting for lighter activities for short periods of time. The study found that while there was no benefit to sitting for 58 minutes and then spending two minutes standing or doing other low-intensity activities, there was a distinct benefit to spending that two minutes walking, cleaning or gardening. Specifically, doing those light-intensity activities lowered the risk of dying by 33 percent.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a huge friggin’ bag of money. –David Levine

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JANUARY 20, 2017…

20th Century Women—Annette Bening shines in this film of three generations of women in the mid-1970’s and how they cope with changing times. The cast includes Elle Fanning (great work), and Greta Gerwig. Wonderful soundtrack, too.  “20th Century Women” is rated R for sexual content. Rating of 2.

Split—What an interesting premise from M. Night Shyamalan. This story concerns the kidnapping of three girls, Haley Lu Richardson, Jessica Sula and Anya Taylor-Joy, by creepy James McAvory. He has many  personalities within him and which one can help the girls? Like a game of Russian Roulette. “Split” is rated R. No rating.

XXX: The Return Of Xander Cage—Vin Diesel stars again as Xander Cage, who comes back after years in hiding, to fight villain Donnie Yan and find a hidden secret weapon. That just about explains the plot. Also in the cast are Nina Debrov and Samuel L. Jackson. “XXX: Return Of Xander Cage” is rated R. No rating.

The Founder (opening from an earlier date)—Ray Kroc made McDonalds a global name with unique marketing. However, the real founders were the McDonald brothers (played by Nick Offerman and John Carroll).  Kroc is played by Michael Keaton. This is a study in how to build a business, ruthless though it may be. “The Founder” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

JANUARY 27, 2017…

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter has Mila Jovovich back in action against the Umbrella Corporation.

Julieta (opening from an earlier date) stars Emma Svarez as a woman looking for her daughter. Subtitles.

Gold (opening from an earlier date) and has Matthew McConaughey as a man who does anything to find money.

A Dog’s Purpose is a series of vignettes about animals and their owners. Bring hanky.

Bastards is a comedy starring Owen Wilson who is in search of his father, long presumed deceased.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.