January 26, 2016: Tuesday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160126

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

The mail is running late… I just yesterday received a Christmas card from my former employer. He even sent me a small gift. I had no idea you could buy Tic Tac gift certificates.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, O Lord, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all.  — 1 Chronicles 29:11

 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. — James 1:2-3

 

For it is commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God. — 1 Peter 2:19

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

My son, if sinners entice you, do not give in to them. — Proverbs 1:10

 

Thought: The real issue isn’t “if” but “when”! Children face tremendous peer pressure. We do, too! We must help them resist the enticements of this pressure. Also, we must never tire in resisting them ourselves.

 

Prayer: O God, I do face temptations and enticements. Please guard my heart, my life, and my example. Help me be a person of character and integrity. In addition, please enable me to lead, protect, guard, and warn my children — both those who are my children in the flesh and those in the faith. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Genesis 1:26 NIV = “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”

 

 

TODAY IS TUESDAY – JANUARY 26, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 335 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is NATIONAL PEANUT BRITTLE DAY.  ***MARLAR: Actually, around my house EVERY day is Peanut Brittle Day.

 

Today is DUKES OF HAZZARD DAY. The popular TV series premiered on this date in 1979, starring John Schneider and Tom Wopat as Bo and Luke and Catharine Bach as Cousin Daisy. Denver Pyle was Uncle Jesse. (audio clip)

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Lotus 1-2-3 Day

Toad Hollow Day of Encouragement

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 27

Holocaust Memorial Day

International Mobile Phone Recycling Day

National Geographic Day

Thomas Crapper Day

Viet Nam Peace Day

 

THURSDAY, JANUARY 28

Data Privacy Day

National Kazoo Day

Thank a Plugin Developer Day

 

FRIDAY, JANUARY 29

Curmudgeons Day

Fun at Work Day

Freethinkers Day

National Pre-school Fitness Day

National Puzzle Day

Seeing Eye Dog Day

Thomas Paine Day

 

SATURDAY, JANUARY 30

Croissant Day

Inane Answering Machine Message Day

National Seed Swap Day

 

SUNDAY, JANUARY 31

Appreciate Your Social Security Check Day

Inspire your Heart with Art Day

Street Children Day

World Leprosy Day

 

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 01

Car Insurance Day

Change Your Password Day

Decorating With Candy Day

G.I. Joe Day

Hula in the Coola Day

International Face & Body Art Day

Freedom Day

Robinson Crusoe Day

Serpent Day

Spunky Old Broads Day

 

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 02

Ayn rand Day

Candelmas

Crepe Day

Groundhog Day

Groundhog Job Shadow Day

Hedgehog Day

Marmot Day

Sled Dog Day

World Play Your Ukulele Day

World Wetlands Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1784: In a letter to his daughter, Benjamin Franklin complained about the choice of the eagle as America’s symbol, saying he preferred the turkey.

 

1837: Michigan became the 26th U.S. state.

 

1939: Filming began on the film “Gone With the Wind.”

 

1940: Actor Ronald Reagan married actress Jane Wyman.

 

1968: The single “Skinny Legs and All” by Joe Tex was certified gold.

 

1972: A DC-9 blew up over Kamenice, Chechoslovakia. Stewardess Vesna Vulovic fell 33,300 feet without a parachute and survived.

 

1979: The Village People hosted TV’s “Midnight Special” and sang “YMCA” and “Macho Man.” Gloria Gaynor did “I Will Survive.”

 

1980: Some 175-thousand paid to attend a Frank Sinatra concert in Rio de Janeiro.

 

1984: Michael Jackson was hospitalized with scalp burns after a spark ignited his hair during filming of a Pepsi TV commercial.

 

1988: An armed bandit, wearing a hood and dark glasses, forced a Scarborough, England, pharmacist to fill a bag with Clearasil. No one was injured.

 

1988: The Andrew Lloyd Webber musical ”Phantom of the Opera” opened at Broadway’s Majestic Theater.

 

1994: While stealing an empty suitcase from a car in Milan, Italy, a thief dropped a winning $32-thousand lottery ticket.

 

2003: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers won their first NFL championship, routing the Oakland Raiders 48-21 in Super Bowl 37.

 

2003: Singer Billy Joel was hospitalized for several hours after crashing his car into a tree in Sag Harbor, New York. He was released early the next morning.

 

2004: Police in Dimona, Israel, had to close an entire floor of their station because the smell of tons of confiscated marijuana was making them high. One officials said, “The smell was killing us. It was impossible to work.”

 

2004: Billy May, died at the age of 87. A legendary big band era arranger, he worked with many musical stars of the day, from Glenn Miller to Frank Sinatra, .

 

2005: Confirmed by the U.S. Senate, Condoleezza Rice was sworn in as secretary of state.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1564: Pope Pius IV accepts and confirms the decrees of the Council of Trent by the bull Benedictus Deus. The product of the Counter Reformation, it improved church organization, strengthened the papacy, and blocked any reconciliation with Protestants.

 

1859: Millionaire inventor of the reaper, Cyrus McCormick, marries Nettie Fowler, a devoted Christian. Following Cyrus’s death in 1884, Nettie used her enormous wealth to establish Chicago’s McCormick Theological Seminary and to support the work of D.L. Moody, John R. Mott, and countless missionaries to Asia.

 

1906: The Church of God (Cleveland, Tennessee), the oldest Pentecostal denomination, convenes its first General Assembly.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • singer Kirk Franklin 45
  • comedienne/actress/host (“Ellen”, “The Ellen DeGeneres Show”, Finding Nemo) Ellen DeGeneres 57 (audio clip)

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1908 : Stephane Grappelli
1913 : Anne Jeffreys
1913 : Jimmy Van Heusen
1922 : Page Cavanaugh
1932 : Claude Gray (“The Tall Texan”)
1934 : Huey “Piano” Smith
1943 : Jean Knight
1945 : Ashley Hutchings (Fairport Convention)
1948 : Corky Laing (Mountain )
1949 : Derek Holt (The Climax Blues Band)
1951 : David Briggs (The Little River Band)
1951 : Andy Hummell (Big Star)
1953 : Lucinda Williams
1957 : Eddie Van Halen (Van Halen)
1958 : Norman Hassan (UB40)
1958 : Anita Baker
1963 : Andrew Ridgeley (Wham!)
1970 : Kirk Franklin

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do you see #2 pencils but not #1 pencils?
There are #1 pencils, and #2½, #3, and #4 and sometimes other intermediate grades, and you can buy them all at finer stationery stores everywhere (and now online too). Some people believe that the #2 pencil is so called because it used to be the second most common, but that’s not the case. For as long as pencils have been available in different grades, the #2 or its equivalent has been the most popular for general use. It’s called #2 because it’s the second darkest of the four major grades of pencil marketed under this system. There’s a trade-off between hardness and darkness and the #2 is the best compromise for most purposes.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Building 429 want’s to hear from future rock stars. They announced this week: Post a video of you singing Impossible with Building 429 fans. Selected videos will receive a signed band photo!

 

Group 1 Crew front man Manny Reyes is still dealing with vocal issues. He tweeted: What you do when you’re still on vocal rest and can’t talk to anyone…go to dinner by yourself and watch a late movie at the theater.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BA6SLWJwch_/

 

People Magazine was the first to share exclusive photos from Colton Dixon’s wedding. Now they also have pictures online from Annie and Colton’s Honeymoon. Check out the pictures…

http://www.people.com/people/mobile/gallery/0,,20981717,00.html

 

Shane and Shane tweeted a bit of irony this week. They said: They had to de-ice the Disney Frozen plane before takeoff.

http://twitter.com/shaneandshane/status/691099358473752576/photo/1

 

Natalie Grant is featured in another movie about human trafficking. Natalie shared over the weekend: Be sure and go see Caged No More, an important movie about human trafficking. The movie opened in theaters this weekend and Natalie makes a special appearance.

http://buff.ly/20dbFtr

 

Group 1 Crew front man Manny Reyes is cleaning out his closet and he is giving you the chance to purchase the items online. A wide variety of items from Manny’s closet are available online. Check them out…

http://iconosquare.com/mannysclosetforsale

 

Darlene Zschech says she is done moving. The Australian worship leader posted: Between two kids moving house, one media company moving out, school moving in, and a new studio to move into…I am done with moving.

 

Jamie Grace is using her voice to make a difference and she has her steps in order. Jamie tweeted: praying for Mayor Karen Weaver and Flint, Michigan. Then I’m going to figure out what else I can do. I hope you’ll join me.

 

Michael W Smith says the weekend snow simply meant the chance to celebrate a Smith family tradition. He shared a picture of his family all together and said: When it snows we all go to CrackerBarrel! http://twitter.com/michaelwsmith/status/691028859819573253/photo/1

 

Christian artists in Nashville had varying reactions as snow hit their adopted home town over the weekend.

Danny Gokey tweeted: We got a whopping 4 inches of snow in Nashville and EVERYBODY’S freaking out!! I’m from Milwaukee where it takes at least 15 inches of snow to cause consideration for schools and business to let people out on a half day.

Mandisa tweeted: I’ve been living in Nashville for 20 years now. Still, it’s days like this that I remember I was born in California.

Jodi, from Love and the Outcome, didn’t let being nine months pregnant keep her from going outside. She recorded a video as she enjoyed playing the snow. The native of Canada said it feels like home.

Jason Gray tweeted: It was weird for this Minnesota boy to be in Nashville during the Snow Apocalypse. The whole city. Shut. Down. I was so hungry and was driving around completely deserted streets and highways looking for food, but every place was closed… I thought to myself, “this is what the zombie apocalypse would feel like. But… In a zombie apocalypse I could at least break through the doors of the Starbucks to get food without getting arrested.”

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.  Audio clips are only valid for a few days before being removed from our servers.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

One in ten recent college graduates believe that Judge Judy is on the Supreme Court.  *** When asked for his opinion, Bernie Sanders replied, “Wait… she’s not?”

 

If you ask the American people, they don’t have much good to say about the U.S. economy. According to a poll by Quinnipiac University, most say they are worse off financially than they were four years ago, and they don’t expect it to get better anytime soon.  ***MARLAR: Well… at least not until this November.

 

Armed carjackers picked the wrong mom to mess with last Monday. Surveillance footage from the Tom Thumb service station in Florida shows the mother pumping gas when an armed carjacker jumped into the driver’s seat of her convertible and another banged on the windows with his gun. The mother, who had two children in the backseat, flung into action by pulling the masked man out of the vehicle and pushing him away from the car. The other carjacker can be seen fleeing the scene. Three suspects – two male and one female – were stopped by police after a short chase.  ***This woman should start a babysitting service.  She’d make a fortune.

http://abcn.ws/20f14hF

 

Earlier this week a team of scientists revealed new evidence that a large planet may be orbiting the sun from the outskirts of the solar system. If such a world exists, it would be the ninth major planet in the solar system. According to the news web site Mashable, while researchers have no direct evidence of the object, they did see strange perturbations in the orbits of objects deep in the Kuiper Belt — the group of icy bodies in Pluto’s part of space — that seem to suggest the existence of a planet one to 10 times more massive than Earth that orbits the sun every 10,000 to 20,000 years.  ***Whatever you do, don’t apply for a job with NASA to take a trip there.  Your one-year astronaut salary on that planet would have to last you 20,000 Earth years!

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

There seems to be a new outbreak of the extremely dangerous necrotizing fasciitis virus – more notoriously known as the flesh-eating disease.  ***MARLAR: Sadly, my doctor just diagnosed me with the flesh eating virus.  He says I have about 80 years left to live.

 

According to a recent Time magazine poll, 80% percent of Americans surveyed say children are more spoiled today than they were 10 years ago. ***MARLAR: The other 20% weren’t polled because they were busy picking up their children’s dirty socks, brushing their children’s ponies, and waiting in line at Toys-R-Us.

 

In a survey of 6,000 women, it turns out most don’t want to see our furry feet and trashy toes. Flip-flops? Nope, not unless you’re going to the beach, the lake, hanging out by the pool, or sitting on a boat. Sandals? Sorry, still too much toe-action.  ***MARLAR: This is precisely why I wear socks with my sandals.

 

Don’t despair if you can’t fit in the recommended 30 minutes of daily exercise. Growing evidence suggests that even half that much can help.  Regular exercise strengthens muscles, reduces the risk of some diseases and promotes mental well-being. The more exercise, the better.  But not everyone has the time or willpower. So researchers set out to find the minimum amount of physical activity needed to reap health benefits.  The findings by a study in Taiwan suggest just 15 minutes of moderate exercise a day can lead to a longer life.  ***MARLAR: I’m good to go then – I spend at LEAST fifteen minutes a day running… back and forth to and from the refrigerator…

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Space Vacuum Bags”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Tim Hawkins, “Mayo”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!

When last we left the jungle, just as Gruffy Bear and Sully the Aardvark were getting ready to play their regular game of checkers, a lost grizzly bear came knocking on the door.  Gruffy Bear decided to cancel the checkers match until later that night so he could help the grizzly find his way…

 

CLOSE: Well that’s good, as tempting as it is, Gruffy is going to honor his promise to Sully and play checkers with him… that’s nice.  Unfortunately, that means Gruffy’s new friend, Grizz, is going to have to forfeit the bowling tournament!  Is there a solution to that problem?  We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JANUARY 30/31

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, all of the animals followed Louis the lion into the jungle to look for a new king.  A king who would be wise, and noble, and brave!  But right now, Louis and all of the other jungle animals are in a deep, dark, and scary part of the jungle… and Louis is afraid of the dark!

 

CLOSE: Not only is real life decisions scary for Louis, but now even his dreams are making him nervous!  Will the animals ever find the right person to be king of the jungle?  Tune in again next time to find out, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Sometimes “Freedom of Speech” can be a bit fishy.
When David Burke’s wife was passed over for a teaching job in favor of the daughter of a school board member, he thought something was fishy. And the Ohio man expressed how “fishy” he thought Stow-Munroe Falls school board member Bill Monbeck was by sending him a slippery, smelly dead trout in the mail.  The police interpreted this as a threat and charged Burke with two counts of disorderly conduct for sending the fish to Monbeck. While Burke admits to sending the fish, he says he was just using his First Amendment right of freedom of expression. He explained that it was just symbolic of what he was thinking… that it was fishy how the teacher got the job, and that it stinks!

 

 

TOP TEN

 

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU’RE IN AN UNFRIENDLY CHURCH

  1. The last time there were visitors in your worship service, the pastor requested that the “unbelieving pagans” identify themselves!

 

  1. The greeters frisk everyone before they’re allowed to sit!

 

  1. The fact that everyone wears black and has a tattoo of a cross on their foreheads could be intimidating to some!

 

  1. The pastor’s bodyguards have been a bit surly lately.

 

  1. The “Free Snake Handling Lessons To Every Vistor” campaign was a bust!

 

  1. When the pastor announced during Sunday School that it was time for a sword sharpening drill, the sound of grinding steel was deafening!

 

  1. The thought has crossed your mind that the meters in the church parking lot may give the wrong impression!

 

  1. The whip the choir leader uses could cause some to wonder! But, boy can they sing!–Especially the high notes!

 

  1. The sermon title last week was, “Sinners In the Hands Of An Angry Congregation.”

 

  1. You’re not sure where the practice of using a straight jacket, a sealed tank, and chains during baptisms started, but…

 

 

KIDS’ LETTERS TO GOD

  1. Dear GOD, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. – Amanda

 

  1. Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t you just keep the ones you have? – Amy

 

  1. Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. – Larry

 

  1. Dear GOD, If you watch me in Church Sunday, I’ll show you my new shoes. – Mickey

 

  1. Dear GOD, Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business?- Donny

 

  1. Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. – Nan

 

  1. Dear GOD, In school they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on vacation? – Jane

 

  1. Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does “begat” mean? Nobody will tell me. Love Alison

 

  1. Dear GOD, How did you know you were God? Who told You? – Charlene

 

  1. Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is it just a trick? – Lucy

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A typical day home from work isn’t all that typical if you’re a bank robber.

 

FILE #1: 32-year-old Jamie Bass, like many people in New York, took a cab home from work at the Union State Bank. We can imagine that Jamie did what we do in a cab: stretch out, tell the driver where you’re going, open the paper, and leave the driving to them.  But, unfortunately, the police pulled the taxi over, arrested Mr. Bass, and the cabbie got stiffed – which didn’t make sense because Jamie had $800 dollars in 20’s and 50’s on him – from his robbing of the Union State Bank.  Yep… he hailed a cab as a getaway vehicle.  He still had the robbery note on him.  Now he can frame it and keep it right next to his calendar as he counts down the days to his parole in his jail cell.

 

FILE #2: A group of British burglars used a blowtorch to break into an ATM… setting fire to the money inside.  Actually, there are a number of reports of burglars successfully using a blowtorch to open an ATM machine, but these guys got a little too close to the money.  So they never had a chance for the money to burn a hole in their pockets… it was too busy burning in the ATM machine.

 

FILE #3: Onstar: “Always there, always ready.” But for one Florida man, the G-M vehicle communications system was a little too ready. Ralph Gomez was busted after showing off the Onstar system in his Cadillac Escalade. According to authorities, Gomez had the volume turned down so he couldn’t hear the Onstar operator. When there was no response, Onstar contacted police. Tom Clements, a spokesman for the St. Augustine Police Department, says when officers got to Gomez they could see there wasn’t a problem. But Clements says officers saw cocaine clearly visible on the S-U-V’s center console. Gomez was jailed on 15-thousand dollars bond and his Escalade was seized, too.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Gurnee, IL, any woman weighing more than 200 lbs cannot wear shorts while riding a horse.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

There was more than vitamin C in a truck-load of broccoli.
…U-S Customs agents report they found 12-hundred pounds of cocaine stashed under the veggies at a border crossing in south Texas. Customs officers using an X-ray scanner noticed some odd shapes in the floor of the tractor-trailer coming from Mexico.  ***MARLAR: Some parents will do anything to make their kids eat their vegetables.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Do you really still read the comics? Which ones? What about comic books?

 

If a movie was made of your life, who would you cast to play you?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: To whom did Paul dictate the Book of Romans?
ANSWER: Tertius (Romans 16:22)

 

QUESTION: What were the 7 miracles Jesus performed as recorded in the Book of John?
ANSWER:

  1. Changed water into wine (2:1-11)
    2. Healed an official’s son (4:43-54)
    3. Cured a sick man in Jerusalem (5:1-15)
    4. Fed 5,000 with a sack lunch (6:1-15
    5. Walked on water (6:16-21)
    6. Healed a man born blind (9:1-12)
    7. Raised his friend Lazarus from the dead (11:1-44)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: On what day of the week is the most ice cream sold?

ANSWER: Sunday

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

  1. The Simpson’s cat is named Fuzzball.  (False, Snowball)

 

  1. According to a recent poll, the second most embarrassing thing to happen to you in a restaurant is forgetting to tip.  (False – it’s getting food stuck in your teeth, right behind #1 which is choking.)

 

  1. Calvin, from the “Calvin and Hobbes” comic strip character occasionally went off exploring distant planets as Ranger Rick.  (False, Spaceman Spliff)

 

  1. Limes are unripe Lemons. (False)

 

  1. If you keep a goldfish in a dark room it will eventually turn white. (True)

 

  1. In “The Wizard Of Oz,” Toto the dog was paid about 30 times what the average munchkin got. (False, he was paid $125 per week, about 2 times what the munchkins got)

 

  1. The inventor of Fritos corn chips only paid $100 for the recipe. (True)

 

  1. Because of the rotation of the earth, you can actually throw a baseball a little further if you throw it to the East. (True)

 

  1. The Sears Tower in Chicago has 18 elevators. (True)

 

  1. The original title for the best seller “Gone With The Wind” was “Ba! Ba! Black Sheep.” (True)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

____ OF PRINCESS DIANA IN SCOTTISH CHURCH (GHOST)
GLASGOW – The Ghost of Princess Diana was seen in the stained glass of a Scottish church.
A video has emerged which appears to show a ghostly-looking figure resembling Princess Diana in a stained glass window.
The video was shot by Chinese tourists in Scotland and has been described by paranormal writer Michael Cohen – who was sent the video – as one of the “clearest” paranormal images he has come across.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
“Give me your money,” he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this – I am a United States congressman!”
“In that case,” replied the mugger, “give me MY money.”

 

JOKE #2
One semester when Michael’s brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter’s portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.
The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor.
The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.  “The head is too big,” the professor explained. “The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous.”
The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at Michael’s brother. “Okay, A minus.”

 

JOKE #3
Recently, Bob was working out at a health club and noticed a woman riding a stationary bike, reading a book, listening to music on her headphones, and occasionally stealing glances at the soap opera on the TV. Then he glanced at the title of her book: “Women With Attention Deficit Disorder”.

 

 

USELESS FACTS

According to a study published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, teenagers who eat dinner with their families have better mental health than those who don’t. ***MARLAR: That’s mental health.  Physical health has more to do with whether or not your teen is doing the cooking.

 

A Johns Hopkins study found that rubbing broccoli juice on your skin is a much more effective way to prevent sunburn than any commercial sunscreen.  ***MARLAR: Plus the green juice on your red skin makes you look Christmassy!

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

BAD SIGN
A little boy just couldn’t learn. One day his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. He didn’t know. For almost a week she asked him the same question every day, but still he couldn’t come up with the right answer.
Finally, in desperation, she called the boy’s father to her office. “Your boy won’t tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence,” she complained.
“Come here, son, and sit down,” the dad said to the boy. “Now if you signed that crazy thing, just admit it so we can get out of here!”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

PLEASE DON’T EAT THE ART
While most of us just look at a work of art, Steve Field’s kids ate some.
Steve Field took his three children – aged between seven and 12 – to the Birmingham Museum and Art Gallery in England where they ate a piece called Nothank. The Nothank exhibit features work by 50 artists is constructed in the form of an office which included some mints on one of the desks. The piece was said to deal with social and cultural issues and the mints added the ambiance of the room. Field said, “The children naturally assumed the mints had been left behind by visitors. When I came along and discovered the natural disaster, it was hard not to laugh.” The people at the museum weren’t so amused. The curator told them to leave.  ***MARLAR: I can see why the artist might be upset.  After all, where could you possibly go to find replacement mints?

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

The lessons of purity and holiness are simple: tell the truth, speak no gossip, honor the righteous, keep your word, be generous with others, and accept no bribes. These simple commandments address the way we relate to our fellow man. Yet who among us has not broken these simple guidelines and does not need to repent?
God is so merciful, even with the likes of us. Despite all Jacob’s transgressions, when he relinquished his foreign gods, the Lord met him and was merciful to him (Genesis 35:2, 9). Jesus told the Pharisees, “I want you to be merciful; I don’t want your sacrifices” (Matthew 12:7). He reminded them of the value of one human being. Because Jesus is compassionate, He “will not crush those who are weak, or quench the smallest hope, until he brings full justice with his final victory” (v. 20).
Like Jacob, we all “fall short of God’s glorious standard” (Romans 3:23), and God patiently works with us to restore us into His presence. If sin has knocked you off God’s holy hill, get up, repent, and climb it again. You will find a merciful Lord at the top, greeting you with open arms!
–By Larry Stockstill

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

MAGNIFYING OUR MASTER
Read: 2 Corinthians 11:23-28
I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure is at hand. —2 Timothy 4:6
As a man of unwavering steadfastness, the apostle Paul had a fixed ambition. He spelled it out in his letter to the Philippians: “Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death” (1:20).
No matter what Paul might be called upon to suffer, no matter what hardships he might undergo, he was determined that his life would be a means of magnifying Jesus. And without flinching, he held tight to that determination through peril, pain, and imprisonment, and even willingly offered his body as a sacrifice.
Some of us may not be able to see how Jesus could be magnified in our bodies. We may think that it can be done only during times of persecution for our faith. But that is not the case.
Our hands can magnify the Lord as we write letters of encouragement. Our feet can magnify Him as we go on simple errands of helpfulness. Our voices can magnify Him as we give our testimony and sing His praises. Our hearts can magnify Him as we express in prayer our love for the redeeming Christ. Our ears can magnify Him as we gratefully listen to sermons exalting His grace.
If we know Jesus, we can lift Him up to others in our daily lives. —Vernon Grounds

 

Take my will and make it Thine—
It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart—it is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne. —Havergal

 

You are one of a kind—designed to glorify God as only you can.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

CELL PHONE GHOST?
Could a ghost actually live in a cell phone?
…In Waterloo, Iowa, 911 operators said that they received about 400 calls from the same cell phone but no one ever seems to be on the line. Officials can’t locate the phone but have figured out that it is an old line not currently associated with a cell phone provider. Such phones, once charged up, can still place 911 calls under Federal Communications Commission rules set in 1994. The cell phone can’t receive calls, and emergency workers haven’t been able to track the owner through service records. Until the source of the calls is found or they stop, dispatchers still have to answer every call just in case someone is on the line with an emergency.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

HOW TO SURVIVE MONDAYS
Everyone hates Mondays. In fact, they can actually be hazardous to your health. But you can take some of the stress out of the day and actually start the workweek feeling good, with the help of famed psychologist Dr. Robert Butterworth. “Mondays are so stressful that they can be life-threatening,” declares Dr. Butterworth. “The highest proportion of workplace injuries on Monday.” He says Mondays are also characterized by an increase in on-the-job heart attacks. Here are 10 great tips from Dr. Butterworth, to get you sailing instead of slumping into work:

  • Don’t stay out late Sunday night — Just take it easy and on Monday morning you’ll head for work and refreshed and raring to go.
  • Take a look at how you spend your weekend — If you’re exhausted after two days off, schedule more leisure time for Saturday and Sunday.
  • Exercise on weekends — especially if your job involves physical labor. Working out will help keep your muscles loose so you’re much less likely to hurt yourself when you get back into action Monday.
  • Avoid heavy, fatty foods on Sunday night — Research shows that heart attacks frequently occur after eating like this, and many heart attacks happen on Monday mornings. By combining risky food with a risky day, you’re playing with fire.
  • Try to wrap up projects on Friday if you can — You won’t have to worry about the unfinished work all weekend — and you’ll arrive at work with a fresh outlook.
  • Allow extra time to get ready Monday mornings — Arriving late will add to your stress and get you off on the wrong foot.
  • Don’t over schedule your Mondays — Avoid setting urgent deadlines that day. Spread your workload out over the week.
  • Plan as few chores as possible for Monday nights — If you always do the laundry on Monday nights, for example, consider switching it to a different day. Use the time to unwind instead.
  • Line up a pleasant social activity for Monday — Have lunch with a co-worker or rent a video you’ve been wanting to see.
  • Eat breakfast Monday morning — Have an energizing meal of juice, cereal and some type of protein. If you don’t, your blood sugar will be so low by mid-morning that you’ll just be dragging your feet.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

COLORBLIND LAWSUIT
A man is suing Palm Beach County in Florida for firing him. Why did they fire him? Because he’s colorblind. Sounds cold and heartless doesn’t it? Makes you want to call the EEOC and report it, right? Sounds like the man has a case for a lawsuit you might think. That’s what the man would like for you to think. But you haven’t heard the entire story.
Yes, he was fired for being colorblind… but the REASON he was fired was because he couldn’t distinguish between the colors red and green – which is pretty important when your job is installing traffic lights! You got it – this guy was installing traffic lights but couldn’t tell which was red and which was green! Just imagine the potential disaster that could have caused! So the county fired him from his job – and now he’s suing. Cleveland Merritt claims in his federal lawsuit that the county violated the Americans with Disability Act. He seeks lost wages dating back to his firing in 1997 from his $20,000 a year job. How can you fault Palm Beach County on this one though? If they DIDN’T fire him, people might have been killed going through intersections – green lights being red and red lights being green! Nonetheless, the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission already has ruled that the county discriminated against Merritt. But the county plans to ask a judge to dismiss the case. My prediction, as insane as it sounds, will be that Merritt will win his case and Palm Beach County will have to fork out thousands of dollars to a guy that, if they had not fired him, might’ve eventually been guilty of manslaughter.

 

 

FUN LIST

THINGS TO DO ON AN ELEVATOR

  • When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves
  • On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go ‘plink’ at the bottom.
  • Sing ‘Mary had a little lamb’ while continually pushing buttons.
  • Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your ‘personal space.’
  • Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: ‘I’ve got new socks on!’

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

HOW MUCH?!?

Syracuse, New York native Bill Foody has never owned a mobile phone – so imagine the surprise when he received a bill totaling $6500! The 63-year-old Foody says he hardly ever uses a normal phone, let alone a mobile, so he was shocked the bill when he opened his mail. Foody immediately called Cellular One to complain and is waiting to hear from the firm’s fraud department. He is worried the mistake will affect his credit rating. ***MARLAR: He’s also complaining about the roaming charges because he’s never been to Rome!

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

If it’s getting harder to keep your New Year’s resolutions, don’t worry, there’s an app for that. There are nearly a dozen apps that can help you stick to your vows to lose weight or give more money to charity. And they also help you to do some good. One such app is the charity app that allows you to earn money for the charity of your choice for every mile you run, bike or walk.

http://darrenmarlar.com/2015/01/25/10-apps-to-help-you-keep-your-new-years-resolutions/

 

A World War II veteran will travel to Australia to reunite with his wartime girlfriend after more than 70 years apart. According to Time, 93-year-old Norwood Thomas of Virginia Beach will travel to Adelaide, Australia, next month to reunite with 88-year-old Joyce Morris. The two recently spoke via Skype. During their two-hour video reunion, the two recalled their time together when they met in England a few months before he parachuted into Normandy with the 101st Airborne Division. After their story went public two months ago, more than 300 people made donations online to help the two rekindle their romance. Air New Zealand also made arrangements to send Thomas and his caretaker son, Steve, to Australia free of charge. Thomas and Morris plan to spend Valentine’s Day together.

http://ti.me/1Qrjfhv

 

With lead-contaminated water is literally flowing through people’s faucets in the town of Flint, Michigan and the city’s nearly 100,000 residents desperately need any assistance they can get, members of the Detroit Lions decided to take matters into their own hands. On Friday, members of the team donated 94,000 bottles of water to Flint. Lions defensive end Ziggy Ansah was said to be the one who motivated his teammates to take action. Ansah, who grew up in Ghana, told DetroitLions.com that this cause is a deeply personal one for him. He said “I come from Africa, and I know exactly what it means not to have clean water or not to have water at all.”

http://huff.to/1lDsOgi

 

Those on the roadways in Tennessee have seen a lot of cars in ditches and even cars stuck in parking spots since Friday’s snow storm, and one Middle Tennessee group has been trying to help out in a big way – through its Facebook page. According to a Nashville Television Station, The group is called Jeeps and Wrenches Rescue and Recovery of Middle Tennessee. During winter weather like this, they’ll drive around in a convoy, responding to calls for help posted on their Facebook page, at no charge.

http://www.newschannel5.com/news/local-news/group-uses-facebook-to-rescue-stranded-drivers-free-stuck-cars

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Thanks for listening to (THE JOCK SHOW)!  It costs you absolutely nothing… and it’s worth every penny of it!

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

JANUARY 22, 2016…

 

The 5th Wave—Aliens have attacked many times and Earth is about to give up.  Chloe Grace Moretz is one of the fighters who thinks there is still a chance with a secret weapon. Also in the cast are Nick Robinson, Ron Livingston, Maria Bello and Live Schreiber. “The 5th Wave” is rated R. Rating of 2.

 

Ride Along 2—It had to happen, a sequel.  In this story, Kevin Hart has gone through the police academy and has a job following a crook (Benjamin Bratt) to Miama. Of course, his future father-in-law, Ice Cube, comes along. Tika Sumpter plays Kevin’s girlfriend. ”Ride Along 2 is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Mojave (opening in select cities)—In this drama, Garrett Hedlund is lost in the desert and meets Oscar Isaac.  The men end up chasing each other and all against this desert climate. “Mojave” is rated R. No rating.

 

Synchronicity (opening in select cities)—This is a time travel film about a man who has art work stolen from him and has to go into time to find the thief. Stars Michael Ironside and Brianne Davis. “Synchronicity” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

JANUARY 29, 2016…

 

The Finest Hours is about a real life drama on the sea in 1950 with a dramatic rescue by the Coast Guard. Stars Chris Pine and Casey Affleck.

 

Here we go again and a new opening date—Jane Got Her Gun is set in the Old West about a woman defending her property against outlaws.

 

Kung Fu Panda 3 and this time he is being maneuvered into an arranged marriage. Voice of Jack Black.

 

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WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.