January 26, 2017: Thursday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170126

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! It’s part of your subscription now! Email me to get FTP access and your free customized tag!)

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

The mail is running late… I just yesterday received a Christmas card from a former employer. He even sent me a small gift. I had no idea you could buy Tic Tac gift certificates.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, O Lord, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all.  — 1 Chronicles 29:11

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. — James 1:2-3

For it is commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God. — 1 Peter 2:19

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. — Romans 12:16

Thought: “Don’t be conceited!” That’s a command for someone else, right? I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who felt he or she was conceited. But, when we’re looking for someone with whom we want to associate, we seldom look for someone ignored by the crowd, forgotten by the pretty people, and easily overlooked by others. We want to “hang around with” those who are important, who are superstars, or at least who carry some clout. We believe we deserve to be noticed and valued, too. Oops, guess that’s where the commands in this verse come from!

Prayer: Father, thank you for making me in your image, designed personally by you to do something to bring you glory. At the same time, Father, I don’t want to be a snob, thinking too much of myself and my importance. Please help me see those with whom you want me to associate. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Genesis 1:26 NIV = “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”

TODAY IS THURSDAY – JANUARY 26, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
333 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL PEANUT BRITTLE DAY.  ***Actually, around my house EVERY day is Peanut Brittle Day.

Today is DUKES OF HAZZARD DAY. The popular TV series premiered on this date in 1979, starring John Schneider and Tom Wopat as Bo and Luke and Catharine Bach as Cousin Daisy. Denver Pyle was Uncle Jesse. (audio clip)

TODAY IS ALSO…
Dental Drill Appreciation Day
Lotus 1-2-3 Day
National Peanut Brittle Day Link
Toad Hollow Day of Encouragement

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

FRIDAY, JANUARY 27

Auschwitz Liberation Day
Fun at Work Day
Holocaust Memorial Day
International Day of Commemoration in Memory of the Victims of the Holocaust Link
National Big Wig Day Link
National Geographic Day
National Pre-school Fitness Day Link
Thomas Crapper Day
Viet Nam Peace Day

SATURDAY, JANUARY 28

A.F.R.M.A. Fancy Rat & Mouse Day
Data Privacy Day Link  Link
National Kazoo Day Link
National Seed Swap Day
Thank A Plugin Developer Day Link
Visit Your Local Quilt Shop Day

SUNDAY, JANUARY 29

Curmudgeons Day
Freethinkers Day
National Puzzle Day Link
Seeing Eye Dog Day
Thomas Paine Day
World Leprosy Day

MONDAY, JANUARY 30

Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day Link and Link
Croissant Day Link
Inane Answering Message Day

TUESDAY, JANUARY 31

Appreciate Your Social Security Check Day
Inspire Your Heart with Art Day
Street Children Day Link  Link

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 01

Candy-Making Day
Car Insurance Day
Change Your Password Day Link
Decorating With Candy Day
G.I. Joe Day
Hula in The Coola Day
International Face & Body Art Day Link
Freedom Day
National Signing Day Link
Robinson Crusoe Day
Serpent Day Link
Spunky Old Broads Day
National Girls & Women in Sports Day

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 02

Ayn Rand Day  Link
Candelmas
Crepe Day
Crepe Day or La Chandeleur Link
Groundhog Day
Groundhog Job Shadow Day
Hedgehog Day
Imbolc
Marmot Day Link
Sled Dog Day: 2
World Play Your Ukulele Day Link
World Wetlands Day Link

ON THIS DAY

1784: In a letter to his daughter, Benjamin Franklin complained about the choice of the eagle as America’s symbol, saying he preferred the turkey.

1837: Michigan became the 26th U.S. state.

1939: Filming began on the film “Gone With the Wind.”

1940: Actor Ronald Reagan married actress Jane Wyman.

1968: The single “Skinny Legs and All” by Joe Tex was certified gold.

1972: A DC-9 blew up over Kamenice, Chechoslovakia. Stewardess Vesna Vulovic fell 33,300 feet without a parachute and survived.

1979: The Village People hosted TV’s “Midnight Special” and sang “YMCA” and “Macho Man.” Gloria Gaynor did “I Will Survive.”

1980: Some 175-thousand paid to attend a Frank Sinatra concert in Rio de Janeiro.

1984: Michael Jackson was hospitalized with scalp burns after a spark ignited his hair during filming of a Pepsi TV commercial.

1988: An armed bandit, wearing a hood and dark glasses, forced a Scarborough, England, pharmacist to fill a bag with Clearasil. No one was injured.

1988: The Andrew Lloyd Webber musical ”Phantom of the Opera” opened at Broadway’s Majestic Theater.

1994: While stealing an empty suitcase from a car in Milan, Italy, a thief dropped a winning $32-thousand lottery ticket.

2003: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers won their first NFL championship, routing the Oakland Raiders 48-21 in Super Bowl 37.

2003: Singer Billy Joel was hospitalized for several hours after crashing his car into a tree in Sag Harbor, New York. He was released early the next morning.

2004: Police in Dimona, Israel, had to close an entire floor of their station because the smell of tons of confiscated marijuana was making them high. One officials said, “The smell was killing us. It was impossible to work.”

2004: Billy May, died at the age of 87. A legendary big band era arranger, he worked with many musical stars of the day, from Glenn Miller to Frank Sinatra, .

2005: Confirmed by the U.S. Senate, Condoleezza Rice was sworn in as secretary of state.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1564: Pope Pius IV accepts and confirms the decrees of the Council of Trent by the bull Benedictus Deus. The product of the Counter Reformation, it improved church organization, strengthened the papacy, and blocked any reconciliation with Protestants.

1859: Millionaire inventor of the reaper, Cyrus McCormick, marries Nettie Fowler, a devoted Christian. Following Cyrus’s death in 1884, Nettie used her enormous wealth to establish Chicago’s McCormick Theological Seminary and to support the work of D.L. Moody, John R. Mott, and countless missionaries to Asia.

1906: The Church of God (Cleveland, Tennessee), the oldest Pentecostal denomination, convenes its first General Assembly.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

comedienne/actress/host (“Ellen”, “The Ellen DeGeneres Show”, Finding Nemo) Ellen DeGeneres 58 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1908 : Stephane Grappelli
1913 : Anne Jeffreys
1913 : Jimmy Van Heusen
1922 : Page Cavanaugh
1932 : Claude Gray (“The Tall Texan”)
1934 : Huey “Piano” Smith
1943 : Jean Knight
1945 : Ashley Hutchings (Fairport Convention)
1948 : Corky Laing (Mountain )
1949 : Derek Holt (The Climax Blues Band)
1951 : David Briggs (The Little River Band)
1951 : Andy Hummell (Big Star)
1953 : Lucinda Williams
1957 : Eddie Van Halen (Van Halen)
1958 : Norman Hassan (UB40)
1958 : Anita Baker
1963 : Andrew Ridgeley (Wham!)
1970 : Kirk Franklin

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do you see #2 pencils but not #1 pencils?
There are #1 pencils, and #2½, #3, and #4 and sometimes other intermediate grades, and you can buy them all at finer stationery stores everywhere (and now online too). Some people believe that the #2 pencil is so called because it used to be the second most common, but that’s not the case. For as long as pencils have been available in different grades, the #2 or its equivalent has been the most popular for general use. It’s called #2 because it’s the second darkest of the four major grades of pencil marketed under this system. There’s a trade-off between hardness and darkness and the #2 is the best compromise for most purposes.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Danny Gokey is on his first trip to Europe this week and posted: Germany you do not disappoint! Also, I’ve eaten 2 Wiener schnitzels in 12 hours. Soooo delicious. Danny is in Germony to release his latest album, called Rise.
https://twitter.com/dannygokey/status/823893944211767298/photo/1

Tobymac was on facebook live to share the story behind his new song Love Broke Thru. He says the song originally was written to tell the story of his life but the goal of the video was to focus on race relations in our country. Watch the entire behind the song at https://www.facebook.com/tobymac/videos/10154211418241179/

Hawk Nelson this week introduced one of their crew guys with a unique name. Front man Jon Steingard posted a picture of the band on the Mercyme Cruise as they were photo bombed by two of the guys from their crew – Dustin and Hillbilly. Referring to Hillbilly, Jon added: I don’t know his real name – it actually might be hillbilly.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BPqKvcxBnOE/

Plumb is still working on her marriage and she is encouraging others to do them same. Tiffany Lee and her husband were on the verge of a divorce several years ago. They have since rebuilt their relationship but she said there are no perfect marriages and they still have to work on theirs. This week Plumb posted on facebook as she checked into attending a Family Life Today Weekend To Remember. 
https://www.instagram.com/p/BPndMdqDU_Q/

Jonny Diaz and his wife moved back into their house this week. Almost 4 years ago the couple rented out their comfortably sized house in a comfortable neighborhood and lived in what Jonny described as a tiny house on a somewhat sketchy street. They used the cash flow to start their small outdoor Boot Camp and open a Fit Factory in Nashville. Jonny posted as they said farewell to the small house and moved back into their original home: I’m so thankful for my wife. For almost 4 years she sacrificed so that we could see a dream realized. 
https://www.instagram.com/p/BPoZEV-hkAi/

Natalie Grant posted a video clip this week as she rehearsed for the Super Bowl Gospel Celebration coming up in Houston next week. She says the goal was to shorten the song for tv but she forgot they were recording, forgot they were rehearsing…instead she was just singing a confession and remembering who HE is. Check out Natalie’s spontaneous rendition of King of the World at https://www.instagram.com/p/BPosAHCB_ES/

Tenth Avenue North met with Logan Cole this past week, just days after his heroic moments in his Columbus High School. They posted: Logan took two close range gun shots to the chest and while bleeding on the floor; he was able to talk his attacker out of hurting anyone else and surrender his weapon. On Saturday Logan came to, and his only concern was that the boy who shot him would encounter and experience the forgiveness of Jesus. We’re also happy to tell you bullets missed all of Logans major arteries and spinal chord by mere millimeters and he is expected to make a miraculous recovery. 
https://www.instagram.com/p/BPl9Cj0l1tK/

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

President Trump says he’ll have his Supreme Court nominee ready to go sometime next week. In a related story, one in ten recent college graduates believe that Judge Judy is on the Supreme Court.  *** When asked for his opinion, Donald Trump replied, “Wait… she’s not?”

Violent thunderstorms tore across the South over the weekend, killing 19 people. But in an incredible stroke of good fortune, a bathtub probably saved the life of a woman sheltering from a twister that carved a 13-mile path in east Texas.  A woman inside her home took shelter in a bathtub and the tornado lifted the tub out of the home and deposited it in the woods with the woman still in the tub but the woman was not injured.  ***Sadly, she did kill a very unpopular witch and now the witch’s sister is really ticked and vowing revenge.

Genetically Modified Apples that don’t turn brown when you slice them will go on sale next month in the Midwest.  ***Which is better news than you think, because in order for them to concentrate on creating something so trivial and unimportant as apples that don’t turn brown once you slice them, that means the more important stuff like cancer, diabetes and baldness must have already been eradicated, right?

Keisha Knight Pulliam, who we watched grow up as Rudy on the old Cosby show, has given birth to a daughter, Ella Grace.   ***This is obviously a misprint – because there is no way someone who grew up in Hollywood named their baby something as normal as Ella Grace.  No way!

White House press secretary Sean Spicer was asked in Tuesday’s press briefing about a comment Donald Trump made Monday about “millions” of people voting illegally. While the claim has been debunked by media, Secretaries of State, the Speaker of the House and other Republicans, Spicer pushed ahead with his boss’s notion that the reason he lost the popular vote was because of illegal voting.  ***Dude, you won… let it go.

Sean Spicer is telling the truth — not about the voting thing, but about how you can swallow your gum.  The new White House press secretary revealed in an August 2016 Washington Post article that he chews and swallows two-and-a-half packs of cinnamon Orbit gum before noon. That’s 35 pieces of gum! Spicer said “I talked to my doctor about it, he said it’s no problem.”  ***That sounds weird, but it could be worse – he could be spitting out his gum before each press conference and sticking under the lectern behind the seal of the President of the United States.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

A recent study finds that multitasking is not a good thing. According to research from Stanford University, multitasking hurts overall productivity and also affects your ability to recall information and slows you down. Additional research shows that it can even lower your IQ. According to the Relevant Magazine report, a team of researchers looked at MRI scans of people who spend a lot of time doing things like texting and watching television at the same time, and found that they had lower brain density.  ***Which pretty much explains teenagers.

Teens are texting more than ever. A report from Pew Internet & American Life Project revealed that the amount of texts sent and receive each day among teenagers has jumped in the past few years. Teens on average are sending and receiving 60 texts each day.  ***If you’ve not done the math, here’s how that works out… assuming you have eight hours for sleep, that comes to between three and four texts per hour.  Really?  How many times can you type LOL without annoying the recipient?

If you eat a polar bear liver you will die, humans can’t handle that much vitamin A.  ***Nor can we handle that much damage from PETA members tearing out our own livers for daring to think of eating a polar bear.

A survey has found that sending a text message is now the most popular way to ask someone out on a first date. ***It’s also the most popular way to tell someone they are a complete loser for not having the guts to ask you out in person.

According to a Gallup poll, most Americans still get their news from television.  ***Which explains why most of America has no clue as to what is truly happening in the world.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the animals finally decided to stop buying fancier and fancier shoes just to impress each other. Well, the truth is that everyone ran out of money. But then they all realized that true friends didn’t need to be the envy of the entire jungle. Well, everyone realized this except Millard the Monkey…

CLOSE: There he goes again! Tune in next time for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Sometimes “Freedom of Speech” can be a bit fishy.
When David Burke’s wife was passed over for a teaching job in favor of the daughter of a school board member, he thought something was fishy. And the Ohio man expressed how “fishy” he thought Stow-Munroe Falls school board member Bill Monbeck was by sending him a slippery, smelly dead trout in the mail.  The police interpreted this as a threat and charged Burke with two counts of disorderly conduct for sending the fish to Monbeck. While Burke admits to sending the fish, he says he was just using his First Amendment right of freedom of expression. He explained that it was just symbolic of what he was thinking… that it was fishy how the teacher got the job, and that it stinks!

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU’RE IN AN UNFRIENDLY CHURCH

10. The last time there were visitors in your worship service, the pastor requested that the “unbelieving pagans” identify themselves!

9. The greeters frisk everyone before they’re allowed to sit!

8. The fact that everyone wears black and has a tattoo of a cross on their foreheads could be intimidating to some!

7. The pastor’s bodyguards have been a bit surly lately.

6. The “Free Snake Handling Lessons To Every Vistor” campaign was a bust!

5. When the pastor announced during Sunday School that it was time for a sword sharpening drill, the sound of grinding steel was deafening!

4. The thought has crossed your mind that the meters in the church parking lot may give the wrong impression!

3. The whip the choir leader uses could cause some to wonder! But, boy can they sing!–Especially the high notes!

2. The sermon title last week was, “Sinners In the Hands Of An Angry Congregation.”

1. You’re not sure where the practice of using a straight jacket, a sealed tank, and chains during baptisms started, but…

KIDS’ LETTERS TO GOD

10. Dear GOD, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. – Amanda

9. Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t you just keep the ones you have? – Amy

8. Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. – Larry

7. Dear GOD, If you watch me in Church Sunday, I’ll show you my new shoes. – Mickey

6. Dear GOD, Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business?- Donny

5. Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. – Nan

4. Dear GOD, In school they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on vacation? – Jane

3. Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does “begat” mean? Nobody will tell me. Love Alison

2. Dear GOD, How did you know you were God? Who told You? – Charlene

1. Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is it just a trick? – Lucy

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

A typical day home from work isn’t all that typical if you’re a bank robber.

FILE #1: 32-year-old Jamie Bass, like many people in New York, took a cab home from work at the Union State Bank. We can imagine that Jamie did what we do in a cab: stretch out, tell the driver where you’re going, open the paper, and leave the driving to them.  But, unfortunately, the police pulled the taxi over, arrested Mr. Bass, and the cabbie got stiffed – which didn’t make sense because Jamie had $800 dollars in 20’s and 50’s on him – from his robbing of the Union State Bank.  Yep… he hailed a cab as a getaway vehicle.  He still had the robbery note on him.  Now he can frame it and keep it right next to his calendar as he counts down the days to his parole in his jail cell.

FILE #2: A group of British burglars used a blowtorch to break into an ATM… setting fire to the money inside.  Actually, there are a number of reports of burglars successfully using a blowtorch to open an ATM machine, but these guys got a little too close to the money.  So they never had a chance for the money to burn a hole in their pockets… it was too busy burning in the ATM machine.

FILE #3: Onstar: “Always there, always ready.” But for one Florida man, the G-M vehicle communications system was a little too ready. Ralph Gomez was busted after showing off the Onstar system in his Cadillac Escalade. According to authorities, Gomez had the volume turned down so he couldn’t hear the Onstar operator. When there was no response, Onstar contacted police. Tom Clements, a spokesman for the St. Augustine Police Department, says when officers got to Gomez they could see there wasn’t a problem. But Clements says officers saw cocaine clearly visible on the S-U-V’s center console. Gomez was jailed on 15-thousand dollars bond and his Escalade was seized, too.

STRANGE LAW: In Gurnee, IL, any woman weighing more than 200 lbs cannot wear shorts while riding a horse.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

There was more than vitamin C in a truck-load of broccoli.
…U-S Customs agents report they found 12-hundred pounds of cocaine stashed under the veggies at a border crossing in south Texas. Customs officers using an X-ray scanner noticed some odd shapes in the floor of the tractor-trailer coming from Mexico.  ***MARLAR: Some parents will do anything to make their kids eat their vegetables.

PHONER PHUN

Do you really still read the comics? Which ones? What about comic books?

If a movie was made of your life, who would you cast to play you?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: To whom did Paul dictate the Book of Romans?
ANSWER: Tertius (Romans 16:22)

QUESTION: What were the 7 miracles Jesus performed as recorded in the Book of John?
ANSWER:

1. Changed water into wine (2:1-11)
2. Healed an official’s son (4:43-54)
3. Cured a sick man in Jerusalem (5:1-15)
4. Fed 5,000 with a sack lunch (6:1-15
5. Walked on water (6:16-21)
6. Healed a man born blind (9:1-12)
7. Raised his friend Lazarus from the dead (11:1-44)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: On what day of the week is the most ice cream sold?

ANSWER: Sunday

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. The Simpson’s cat is named Fuzzball.  (False, Snowball)

2. According to a recent poll, the second most embarrassing thing to happen to you in a restaurant is forgetting to tip.  (False – it’s getting food stuck in your teeth, right behind #1 which is choking.)

3. Calvin, from the “Calvin and Hobbes” comic strip character occasionally went off exploring distant planets as Ranger Rick.  (False, Spaceman Spliff)

4. Limes are unripe Lemons. (False)

5. If you keep a goldfish in a dark room it will eventually turn white. (True)

6. In “The Wizard Of Oz,” Toto the dog was paid about 30 times what the average munchkin got. (False, he was paid $125 per week, about 2 times what the munchkins got)

7. The inventor of Fritos corn chips only paid $100 for the recipe. (True)

8. Because of the rotation of the earth, you can actually throw a baseball a little further if you throw it to the East. (True)

9. The Sears Tower in Chicago has 18 elevators. (True)

10. The original title for the best seller “Gone With The Wind” was “Ba! Ba! Black Sheep.” (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

____ OF PRINCESS DIANA IN SCOTTISH CHURCH (GHOST)
GLASGOW – The Ghost of Princess Diana was seen in the stained glass of a Scottish church.
A video has emerged which appears to show a ghostly-looking figure resembling Princess Diana in a stained glass window.
The video was shot by Chinese tourists in Scotland and has been described by paranormal writer Michael Cohen – who was sent the video – as one of the “clearest” paranormal images he has come across.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
“Give me your money,” he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this – I am a United States congressman!”
“In that case,” replied the mugger, “give me MY money.”

JOKE #2
One semester when Michael’s brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter’s portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.
The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor.
The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.  “The head is too big,” the professor explained. “The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous.”
The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at Michael’s brother. “Okay, A minus.”

JOKE #3
Recently, Bob was working out at a health club and noticed a woman riding a stationary bike, reading a book, listening to music on her headphones, and occasionally stealing glances at the soap opera on the TV. Then he glanced at the title of her book: “Women With Attention Deficit Disorder”.

USELESS FACTS

According to a study published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, teenagers who eat dinner with their families have better mental health than those who don’t. ***That’s mental health.  Physical health has more to do with whether or not your teen is doing the cooking.

A Johns Hopkins study found that rubbing broccoli juice on your skin is a much more effective way to prevent sunburn than any commercial sunscreen.  ***Plus the green juice on your red skin makes you look Christmassy!

FEATURED FUNNIES

BAD SIGN
A little boy just couldn’t learn. One day his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. He didn’t know. For almost a week she asked him the same question every day, but still he couldn’t come up with the right answer.
Finally, in desperation, she called the boy’s father to her office. “Your boy won’t tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence,” she complained.
“Come here, son, and sit down,” the dad said to the boy. “Now if you signed that crazy thing, just admit it so we can get out of here!”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

PLEASE DON’T EAT THE ART
While most of us just look at a work of art, Steve Field’s kids ate some.
Steve Field took his three children – aged between seven and 12 – to the Birmingham Museum and Art Gallery in England where they ate a piece called Nothank. The Nothank exhibit features work by 50 artists is constructed in the form of an office which included some mints on one of the desks. The piece was said to deal with social and cultural issues and the mints added the ambiance of the room. Field said, “The children naturally assumed the mints had been left behind by visitors. When I came along and discovered the natural disaster, it was hard not to laugh.” The people at the museum weren’t so amused. The curator told them to leave.  ***MARLAR: I can see why the artist might be upset.  After all, where could you possibly go to find replacement mints?

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

The lessons of purity and holiness are simple: tell the truth, speak no gossip, honor the righteous, keep your word, be generous with others, and accept no bribes. These simple commandments address the way we relate to our fellow man. Yet who among us has not broken these simple guidelines and does not need to repent?
God is so merciful, even with the likes of us. Despite all Jacob’s transgressions, when he relinquished his foreign gods, the Lord met him and was merciful to him (Genesis 35:2, 9). Jesus told the Pharisees, “I want you to be merciful; I don’t want your sacrifices” (Matthew 12:7). He reminded them of the value of one human being. Because Jesus is compassionate, He “will not crush those who are weak, or quench the smallest hope, until he brings full justice with his final victory” (v. 20).
Like Jacob, we all “fall short of God’s glorious standard” (Romans 3:23), and God patiently works with us to restore us into His presence. If sin has knocked you off God’s holy hill, get up, repent, and climb it again. You will find a merciful Lord at the top, greeting you with open arms!
–By Larry Stockstill

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

MAGNIFYING OUR MASTER
Read: 2 Corinthians 11:23-28
I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure is at hand. —2 Timothy 4:6
As a man of unwavering steadfastness, the apostle Paul had a fixed ambition. He spelled it out in his letter to the Philippians: “Christ will be magnified in my body, whether by life or by death” (1:20).
No matter what Paul might be called upon to suffer, no matter what hardships he might undergo, he was determined that his life would be a means of magnifying Jesus. And without flinching, he held tight to that determination through peril, pain, and imprisonment, and even willingly offered his body as a sacrifice.
Some of us may not be able to see how Jesus could be magnified in our bodies. We may think that it can be done only during times of persecution for our faith. But that is not the case.
Our hands can magnify the Lord as we write letters of encouragement. Our feet can magnify Him as we go on simple errands of helpfulness. Our voices can magnify Him as we give our testimony and sing His praises. Our hearts can magnify Him as we express in prayer our love for the redeeming Christ. Our ears can magnify Him as we gratefully listen to sermons exalting His grace.
If we know Jesus, we can lift Him up to others in our daily lives. —Vernon Grounds

Take my will and make it Thine—
It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart—it is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne. —Havergal

You are one of a kind—designed to glorify God as only you can.

LEFTOVERS

CELL PHONE GHOST?
Could a ghost actually live in a cell phone?
…In Waterloo, Iowa, 911 operators said that they received about 400 calls from the same cell phone but no one ever seems to be on the line. Officials can’t locate the phone but have figured out that it is an old line not currently associated with a cell phone provider. Such phones, once charged up, can still place 911 calls under Federal Communications Commission rules set in 1994. The cell phone can’t receive calls, and emergency workers haven’t been able to track the owner through service records. Until the source of the calls is found or they stop, dispatchers still have to answer every call just in case someone is on the line with an emergency.

LIFE… LIVE IT

HOW TO SURVIVE MONDAYS
Everyone hates Mondays. In fact, they can actually be hazardous to your health. But you can take some of the stress out of the day and actually start the workweek feeling good, with the help of famed psychologist Dr. Robert Butterworth. “Mondays are so stressful that they can be life-threatening,” declares Dr. Butterworth. “The highest proportion of workplace injuries on Monday.” He says Mondays are also characterized by an increase in on-the-job heart attacks. Here are 10 great tips from Dr. Butterworth, to get you sailing instead of slumping into work:

  • Don’t stay out late Sunday night — Just take it easy and on Monday morning you’ll head for work and refreshed and raring to go.

  • Take a look at how you spend your weekend — If you’re exhausted after two days off, schedule more leisure time for Saturday and Sunday.

  • Exercise on weekends — especially if your job involves physical labor. Working out will help keep your muscles loose so you’re much less likely to hurt yourself when you get back into action Monday.

  • Avoid heavy, fatty foods on Sunday night — Research shows that heart attacks frequently occur after eating like this, and many heart attacks happen on Monday mornings. By combining risky food with a risky day, you’re playing with fire.

  • Try to wrap up projects on Friday if you can — You won’t have to worry about the unfinished work all weekend — and you’ll arrive at work with a fresh outlook.

  • Allow extra time to get ready Monday mornings — Arriving late will add to your stress and get you off on the wrong foot.

  • Don’t over schedule your Mondays — Avoid setting urgent deadlines that day. Spread your workload out over the week.

  • Plan as few chores as possible for Monday nights — If you always do the laundry on Monday nights, for example, consider switching it to a different day. Use the time to unwind instead.

  • Line up a pleasant social activity for Monday — Have lunch with a co-worker or rent a video you’ve been wanting to see.

  • Eat breakfast Monday morning — Have an energizing meal of juice, cereal and some type of protein. If you don’t, your blood sugar will be so low by mid-morning that you’ll just be dragging your feet.

JUST FOR FUN

COLORBLIND LAWSUIT
A man is suing Palm Beach County in Florida for firing him. Why did they fire him? Because he’s colorblind. Sounds cold and heartless doesn’t it? Makes you want to call the EEOC and report it, right? Sounds like the man has a case for a lawsuit you might think. That’s what the man would like for you to think. But you haven’t heard the entire story.
Yes, he was fired for being colorblind… but the REASON he was fired was because he couldn’t distinguish between the colors red and green – which is pretty important when your job is installing traffic lights! You got it – this guy was installing traffic lights but couldn’t tell which was red and which was green! Just imagine the potential disaster that could have caused! So the county fired him from his job – and now he’s suing. Cleveland Merritt claims in his federal lawsuit that the county violated the Americans with Disability Act. He seeks lost wages dating back to his firing in 1997 from his $20,000 a year job. How can you fault Palm Beach County on this one though? If they DIDN’T fire him, people might have been killed going through intersections – green lights being red and red lights being green! Nonetheless, the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission already has ruled that the county discriminated against Merritt. But the county plans to ask a judge to dismiss the case. My prediction, as insane as it sounds, will be that Merritt will win his case and Palm Beach County will have to fork out thousands of dollars to a guy that, if they had not fired him, might’ve eventually been guilty of manslaughter.

FUN LIST

THINGS TO DO ON AN ELEVATOR

  • When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves

  • On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go ‘plink’ at the bottom.

  • Sing ‘Mary had a little lamb’ while continually pushing buttons.

  • Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your ‘personal space.’

  • Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: ‘I’ve got new socks on!’

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

HOW MUCH?!?

Syracuse, New York native Bill Foody has never owned a mobile phone – so imagine the surprise when he received a bill totaling $6500! The 63-year-old Foody says he hardly ever uses a normal phone, let alone a mobile, so he was shocked the bill when he opened his mail. Foody immediately called Cellular One to complain and is waiting to hear from the firm’s fraud department. He is worried the mistake will affect his credit rating. ***MARLAR: He’s also complaining about the roaming charges because he’s never been to Rome!

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Back in 2008, Cara Brookins was trying to start over. She had just left a husband she describes as “physically violent” and desperately wanted to give her four children a home where they’d each have their own room. So she started studying home-construction tutorials on YouTube and figured out she could afford to take out a loan to buy an acre of land and construction materials. Then all she’d have to do is build the thing herself – which she did with her kids – age 17, 15, 12, and 2, at the time. But the hard work on weekends and after school, along with some regular advice from their local Home Depot, all paid off. Cara says in the process, “We also rebuilt our broken family.” They’d often work into the night, “sometimes by headlights,” but she says her kids were resilient noting, “It was the first time they had felt any sort of power.” Imagine that… this woman is living large thanks to YouTube!  Her new book Rise chronicles the project.  https://carabrookins.com/rise/

Drinking an extra glass of water every day may be the secret to fighting middle-age spread and could be even more important than exercise and dieting when it comes to lowering the numbers on the bathroom scale. That’s the word from Harvard University researchers, who have conducted one of the largest and most comprehensive studies on the dietary benefits of drinking water. The 20-year study tracked the food and beverage habits of nearly 125,000 U.S. adults in their 30s, 40s and 50s. By replacing one soda a day with a glass of water, the middle-age adults in the study weighed about seven pounds less than those who didn’t drink as much water. And the more water they consumed instead of sodas, juice and whole milk, the less they gained overall. However, the men and women in the study who did drink sugar-sweetened beverages instead of water gained, on average, 3.3 pounds every four years.

A poll by the financial web site YouGov.com found that nearly 70% of Internet users admit having the habit of “wilfing.” What? It’s the term that’s short for “What Was I Looking For?” For instance, you’re reading e-mail when you think about researching vacation spots, which reminds you that you need to check out gym prices, so you surf from one site to another until you forget what you started out looking for. One expert said the Internet is so full of distractions, it’s easy to fall into this. Internet users over 55 are three times more likely to be wilfers than those under 25. People over 60 find themselves surfing the Internet when they really came into the room to look for their car keys.

Tackling a difficult problem and your brain just can’t grasp it?  Try a nap!  A good nap will improve your ability to solve problems. The type of nap that’s most beneficial includes dreaming, say researchers at the University of California-San Diego. The nap must include REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, which indicates dreaming. Study head Sara Mednick, Ph.D., explained that for those working on new problems “only REM sleep enhances creativity.”

Go ahead and hug and kiss. Couples who find ways to be physically close everyday may have less stress, according to a study from researchers in Switzerland. The study found that people who are in close relationships, especially marriage, have fewer stress hormones coursing through their bodies. This was true even for couples who reported more problems at work, suggesting physical affection at night can be a buffer for the next day’s stress at work.  ***I can attest to this – and it doesn’t have to be sexual.  My bride and I, not exaggerating, probably hug at least a dozen times a day.  It’s an immediate stress-reliever and it also brings us closer together – literally and figuratively.

If you drink diet soda in an attempt to lose or maintain weight, put the can down now. It won’t help. People who are overweight or obese and drink diet beverages actually consume more calories from food than do obese or overweight adults who drink regular soda or other sugary beverages, according to researchers from the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health. It seems that among people who drink diet soda, the brain’s sweet sensors may no longer provide a reliable gauge of energy consumption because the artificial sweetener disrupts appetite control.

Is your church Super Bowl party illegal? Most church Super Bowl parties are perfectly legal, but a few regulations could cause the NFL to throw a penalty flag on a congregation.
 http://factsandtrends.net/2017/01/24/how-to-keep-your-church-super-bowl-party-legal/#.WIdcZ7YrJR0

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Thanks for listening to (THE JOCK SHOW)!  It costs you absolutely nothing… and it’s worth every penny of it!

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JANUARY 20, 2017…

20th Century Women—Annette Bening shines in this film of three generations of women in the mid-1970’s and how they cope with changing times. The cast includes Elle Fanning (great work), and Greta Gerwig. Wonderful soundtrack, too.  “20th Century Women” is rated R for sexual content. Rating of 2.

Split—What an interesting premise from M. Night Shyamalan. This story concerns the kidnapping of three girls, Haley Lu Richardson, Jessica Sula and Anya Taylor-Joy, by creepy James McAvory. He has many  personalities within him and which one can help the girls? Like a game of Russian Roulette. “Split” is rated R. No rating.

XXX: The Return Of Xander Cage—Vin Diesel stars again as Xander Cage, who comes back after years in hiding, to fight villain Donnie Yan and find a hidden secret weapon. That just about explains the plot. Also in the cast are Nina Debrov and Samuel L. Jackson. “XXX: Return Of Xander Cage” is rated R. No rating.

The Founder (opening from an earlier date)—Ray Kroc made McDonalds a global name with unique marketing. However, the real founders were the McDonald brothers (played by Nick Offerman and John Carroll).  Kroc is played by Michael Keaton. This is a study in how to build a business, ruthless though it may be. “The Founder” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

JANUARY 27, 2017…

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter has Mila Jovovich back in action against the Umbrella Corporation.

Julieta (opening from an earlier date) stars Emma Svarez as a woman looking for her daughter. Subtitles.

Gold (opening from an earlier date) and has Matthew McConaughey as a man who does anything to find money.

A Dog’s Purpose is a series of vignettes about animals and their owners. Bring hanky.

Bastards is a comedy starring Owen Wilson who is in search of his father, long presumed deceased.

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.