January 27, 2016: Wednesday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160127

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Hello, my name is (YOUR NAME). That’s not my real name, I use a ‘radio name’ to protect my true identity off the air. If I used my real name on the radio, I couldn’t operate a successful brain surgery and upholstery steam cleaning business without people constantly bugging me by asking “Are you that super talented guy on (STATION) every morning?”  I hope you understand.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.  –Proverbs 10:19 (NIV)

 

If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. — Galatians 6:1

 

After they prayed, the place where they were meeting was shaken. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly. — Acts 4:31

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

And a voice came from heaven: “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.” — Mark 1:11

 

Thought: Shortly after Jesus’ baptism, he went to face Satan in a grueling 40 days of temptation. Remember what Satan’s opening words were? “If you are the Son of God…” Wasn’t it great that God had already reassured him of his relationship before it was questioned? What do those you love need to hear from you today? You don’t know when their time of trial will come; you just know it will, so go ahead and reassure them before it’s necessary!

 

Prayer: Almighty and loving Father, please help me to say the right words of love and affection to those whom I love so that when temptation comes, or when others try to draw them away from me, they will not doubt my love for them. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Colossians 1:27 NIV = …the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

 

 

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – JANUARY 27, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 334 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Today is LISTEN TO CLASSICAL MUSIC DURING LUNCH DAY.  *** I don’t mind you listening to the classical station for an hour just for today – we could all use a little culture in our lives, and you know you ain’t getting any culture listening to THIS show.

 

Today is BIG SNOW DAY. On this date in 1887, during a snowstorm in Fort Keough, Montana, snowflakes were measured as wide as 15 inches.   *** It was the only time in history where a single snowflake could cause a concussion.

 

Today is NATIONAL PUNCH THE CLOCK DAY.  *** And OH how many of us have been tempted to do EXACTLY that?  Especially when it goes off at 4:00am!

 

GROUNDHOG DAYS begin today in Woodstock, Illinois, the filming site of the Bill Murray movie, “Groundhog Day.”  Groundhog Days is today through February 2nd (the traditional Groundhog Day). (audio clip)

 

Today is LAVERNE & SHIRLEY DAY, marking the debut of the popular TV sitcom on this date in 1976. A spin-off from “Happy Days,” the show starred Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams. (audio clip)

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Holocaust Memorial Day

International Mobile Phone Recycling Day

National Geographic Day

Thomas Crapper Day

Viet Nam Peace Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

THURSDAY, JANUARY 28

Data Privacy Day

National Kazoo Day

Thank a Plugin Developer Day

 

FRIDAY, JANUARY 29

Curmudgeons Day

Fun at Work Day

Freethinkers Day

National Pre-school Fitness Day

National Puzzle Day

Seeing Eye Dog Day

Thomas Paine Day

 

SATURDAY, JANUARY 30

Croissant Day

Inane Answering Machine Message Day

National Seed Swap Day

 

SUNDAY, JANUARY 31

Appreciate Your Social Security Check Day

Inspire your Heart with Art Day

Street Children Day

World Leprosy Day

 

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 01

Car Insurance Day

Change Your Password Day

Decorating With Candy Day

G.I. Joe Day

Hula in the Coola Day

International Face & Body Art Day

Freedom Day

Robinson Crusoe Day

Serpent Day

Spunky Old Broads Day

 

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 02

Ayn rand Day

Candelmas

Crepe Day

Groundhog Day

Groundhog Job Shadow Day

Hedgehog Day

Marmot Day

Sled Dog Day

World Play Your Ukulele Day

World Wetlands Day

 

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 03

Four Chaplains Memorial Day

The Day The Music Died

National Girls & Women in Sports Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1785: The first state university in America, the University of Georgia, was chartered in Athens.

 

1880: American inventor Thomas Alva Edison of Menlo Park, New Jersey, patented the incandescent electric lamp.

 

1951: The U.S. began testing atomic devices in the Nevada desert as an Air Force plane dropped a one-kiloton bomb on Frenchman Flats.

 

1956: RCA released its first record by Elvis Presley. “Heartbreak Hotel” hit #1 on both the pop and country charts and reached #5 on the R&B charts.

 

1958: “Little” Richard Wayne Penniman interrupted his music career to enter a theological seminary in Huntsville, Alabama, where he received a degree.

 

1971: British musician David Bowie arrived in America for the first time. He did not perform, but received lots of publicity in Texas and Louisiana for wearing dresses.

 

1973: Tom T. Hall’s “(Old Dogs and Children and) Watermelon Wine” hit #1 on Billboard’s country music chart. After chatting with an old man in a hotel bar, he had written the song during an airplane flight on the back of an airsick bag.

 

1984: Wayne Gretzky set a National Hockey League record for consecutive game scoring, as his streak ended at 51 games. Gretzky collected 153 points, 61 goals and 92 assists, during the run.

 

1985: The Coca-Cola Company, of Atlanta announced plans to sell its soft drinks for the first time in Russia and other Soviet Republics.

 

1989: A meter maid discovered the body of a 67-year-old man in a parked van in Oklahoma City. He had been dead of natural causes for four days. Several parking tickets, placed on the van during the three previous days, were cancelled.

 

1994: Rueben Mattus died at age 81. Starting as a teenager he sold his family’s homemade ice cream to small stores in the Bronx for 30 years. Then in 1959 he took a chance, doubled the price, and changed the name to Haagen-Dazs.

 

1998: First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton, appearing on NBC’s Today show, charged the allegations of sexual impropriety against her husband were the work of a “vast right-wing conspiracy.”

 

2001: Actress Beverley D’Angelo gave birth to twin girls, making actor Al Pacino a father again at age 60.

 

2003: A teenager was catapulted 25 feet in the air during an auto accident in Blue Springs, Missouri, but grabbed onto overhead telephone wires like an action hero and dangled for 20 minutes before a rescue crew brought him down by ladder. Eighteen-year-old Joe Thompson was treated for bruises and scratches. He told reporters, “God was definitely in control.”

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

398: John Chrysostom, the greatest preacher of his age, is consecrated bishop of Constantinople.

 

417: Pelagius, a British monk, is excommunicated for heresy. He denied original sin and claimed that men could become righteous by the exercise of free will.

 

1302: On a trumped-up charge of hostility to the church and corrupt practices, Dante Alighieri is fined heavily and perpetually excluded from political office (he was a chief magistrate). Further condemned in March and driven out of Florence in April, Dante began writing The Divine Comedy, an epic poem in which he travels through hell, purgatory, and heaven.

 

1972: In Columbia, the white and black United Methodist conferences of South Carolina — separated since the Civil War — voted in their respective meetings to adopt a plan of union.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (Mike on Ed) Josh Randall, 44
  • Actor/comedian (Spence on “King of Queens”, Ratatouille) Patton Oswalt, 47 (audio clip)
  • Actor (Goldeneye, X2: X-Men United) Alan Cumming, 51
  • Actress (A Simple Plan, Jackie Brown) Bridget Fonda, 52
  • Actress (ex-wife of Tom Cruise, Lost in Space the movie) Mimi Rogers, 60
  • Dancer/actor Mikhail Baryshnikov is 68
  • Actor (Babe, The Green Mile) James Cromwell, 74

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1756 : Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

1885 : Jerome Kern

1895 : Harry Ruby

1916 : Milt Raskin

1918 : Skitch Henderson

1918 : Elmore James

1919 : David Seville (The Chiplunks)

1930 : Bobby “Blue” Bland

1931 : Rudi Maugeri (The Crew Cuts)

1944 : Kevin Coyne

1944 : Nick Mason (Pink Floyd)

1947 : Nedra Talley (The Ronettes)

1948 : Kim Gardner (Ashton, Gardner & Dyke)

1951 : Brian Downey (Thin Lizzy)

1951 : Seth Justman (The J. Geils Band)

1961 : Margo Timmins (Cowboy Junkies)

1961 : Gillian Gilbert (New Order)

1968 : Mike Patton (Faith No More)

1970 : Mark Trojanowski (Sister Hazel)

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Have there ever been any serious errors in the Bible?

  • In a 1631 edition of the King James Bible, in Exodus 20 verse 14, the word “not” was left out. This changed the 7th commandment to read, “Thou shalt commit adultery.” Most of the copies were recalled immediately and destroyed on the orders of Charles I. But there are 11 copies still remaining. They are known as the “Wicked Bible.” (The Bible museum in Branson, Missouri has one on display.) The printer was fined the equivalent of $400.
  • The word “not” was also left out in the 1653 edition. In 1 Corinthians 6 verse 9 it was printed: “Know ye not that the unrighteous shall inherit the kingdom of God” – instead of “”Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God.” Again it was recalled immediately (- dashing the hopes of many!). It is known as the “Unrighteous Bible.”
  • The Murderer’s Bible, printed in 1801, declared: “these are murderers” (instead of murmurers) and continued, “let the children first be killed” (instead of “filled.”)
  • Perhaps the error in Psalm 119 verse 161 in a 1702 version summed it all up: instead of “princes” it read, “printers have persecuted me.” It is known as the Printer’s Bible.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

A question from Third Day’s Mark Lee: Aren’t all bumpkins, by definition, country bumpkins?

 

Casting Crowns Jaun Devevo may need to revise his idea of healthy eating. He tweeted: I cooked and ate 3 pounds of bacon, but I used coconut oil, so you know… health.

 

Want to spend some time with Kutless member James Mead? He’s open to getting together if he receives the right offer. James tweeted: Now accepting invites to Trail Blazers games.

 

Just how wild and crazy are Tenth Avenue North concerts? One fan tweeted: Broke a tooth, ripped my jeans, and shed some tears…In Shipshewana of all places. Tenth Avenue North played a concert at the Shipshewana Event Center over the weekend.

 

It sounds like Jeremy Camp’s concert stop in India over the weekend was a resounding success. Jeremy’s wife Adie Camp posted following the concert: I’m blown away by the goodness of the Lord! Over 1000 people came forward to receive Christ!!!! They also gave people an opportunity to respond via text messages, so we’ll know those numbers in a few days! Thank you SO much for praying. The team will be ministering in India for the rest of the week before returning home.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10153328789596444

 

Casting Crowns Mark Hall is a seasoned traveler and he has perfected the art of dealing with delayed flights. He recently tweeted: Hangin with the fellas, waitin on a plane. Waiting on Delayed flights isn’t so bad when you’re eating ribs.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BA3Wf1_jkT8/

 

New music from Jason Gray is getting closer. Members of his record company were recently listening to mixes for the new record. They tweeted: Y’all don’t even know what kind of goodness is coming your way this year. WOW!

 

Switchfoot front man Jon Foreman says a new movie may be in the works. Last year he performed 25 concerts in 24 hours in celebration of the release of the final EP in his four EP set. He tweeted over the weekend: think we’re gonna make a movie out of that crazy experience.

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.  Audio clips are only valid for a few days before being removed from our servers.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Forget ketchup. McDonald’s Japan is serving up French fries smothered in chocolate.  The McChoco Potato is an order of French fries served with white chocolate and cacao-flavored sauces, and Japanese menus added the concoction yesterday (January 26). McDonald’s said in its most recent financial filing that its Japanese market is hurting due to fewer visitors and weaker sales. Sales in Asia have been down ever since McDonald’s was hit by a food-borne illness scandal in China in 2014.  ***But as we all know, chocolate fixes everything – so it’s all good.

 

Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum, who’s running 11th out of 11 GOP candidates, admitted this week that he may soon have to end his campaign.  ***Okay, raise your hand if you knew Rick Santorum was running for President.  Yeah… me neither.

 

Marco Rubio feels the snowstorm in the northeast was “awesome” because, he explains: “It delays President Obama’s agenda.”  ***Which I’m sure is exactly what people buried in four feet of snow are all thinking too.  “Thank goodness for all this snow – it shut down D.C. For two days!  Yay!”

 

In an interview with CNN Donald Trump said he may not attend Thursday’s Republican debate because of Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly. Trump said: “I don’t like her. She doesn’t treat me fairly.”  ***Oh, well now, we wouldn’t want our future president to feel the slightest bit uncomfortable when someone questions him, now would we?

 

An Australian family of four will increase more than two-fold when Kim Tucci gives birth to quintuplets (5 babies). The mom from Perth has to eat 6,000 calories a day. The 26-year-old has been documenting her pregnancy on her Facebook page, Surprised By Five, which has more than 130,000 followers.  ***6,000 calories a day… for her, that’s a struggle.  For the rest of us that’s called “the holidays”.

 

Mark Ruffalo found himself without a phone or wallet while riding out the blizzard in New York City. So the actor used social media for help to find the missing items. He later wrote, “Wow, thanks for all the tips and help for my lost phone… really appreciated. It was just found! That was freaking fast. Thanks for helping me find it!! Thanks Amenaide and Catherine Brown for finding my phone and wallet! Thanks Brown family for your decency.”  ***Glad to see this all worked out for the guy – from what I’ve heard, we wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Scientists from Korea have turned the main ingredient of calamine lotion into a tiny material that converts sound waves into electricity. The research could lead to panels that can charge a cell phone from a conversation or provide a boost of energy to the nation’s electrical grid generated by the noise during rush hour traffic. ***MARLAR: Who needs to drill for oil when you’ve got teenage girls on cell phones?

 

A UK-based horticultural firm has developed a method of producing both potatoes and tomatoes on the same plant.  ***It’s expected to produce a spike in arguments about pronouncing its name and calling the whole thing off.

 

Experts are saying print newspapers could one day become a “luxury item”.  ***Still worth the money, though. Ever try to housebreak a puppy using an iPad?

 

Watching TV is killing you.  A new study found an association between people who watch loads of TV and living shorter. By tracking death rates and lifestyle survey responses, the study found that for people over 25, for every hour of TV watched, their lifespan shortened by 22 minutes.  ***MARLAR: I should be dead by now.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Bars Have Parking Lots”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Rich Praytor, “Puberty”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, Gruffy Bear had to cancel the checkers game with Sully the Aardvark to help a grizzly bear named Grizz find his way to a bowling alley.  Apparently, Grizz was heading there to forfeit the bowling tournament that was supposed to take place that night because they didn’t have enough bowlers.

 

CLOSE: Will Gruffy do the right thing and play checkers with Sully as he promised?  But then, he also promised Grizz that he’d help the bowling team!  What will Gruffy do… what will Sully do… what will the bowling team do?  Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JANUARY 30/31

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, all of the animals followed Louis the lion into the jungle to look for a new king.  A king who would be wise, and noble, and brave!  But right now, Louis and all of the other jungle animals are in a deep, dark, and scary part of the jungle… and Louis is afraid of the dark!

 

CLOSE: Not only is real life decisions scary for Louis, but now even his dreams are making him nervous!  Will the animals ever find the right person to be king of the jungle?  Tune in again next time to find out, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

A shocking story in today’s Moment of Duh. 

Twenty-five-year-old Joshua Philip Martin was only in his fourth day on the job in Russell County last June when he decided to play a prank on 23-year-old Courtney Rhoton.  Josh, a rescue squad worker, seems to be a happy-go-lucky sort of guy.  And since he was an Emergency Medical Technician, he used the available equipment to mess with his co-workers.  What he did was playfully zap Courtney on the chest and shoulder with a defibrillator, which is that electronic device with the paddles that you see the doctors on television use to revive people whose heart has stopped beating.  The use of it is always preceded with a shout of the word “Clear!”  Pretty funny, I bet, like a giant joy buzzer, except that Courtney went into cardiac arrest seconds after being shocked and died three days later.  I don’t normally include stories that involved death in my Moment of Duh… but this guy is so obviously an inDUHvidual of unprecedented measure, that I had no choice but use this story.  County prosecutor Mike Bush says J.P. was NOT yet qualified to use the defibrillator and had been told not to play with it.  Now Joshua is the one who’ll be shocked when he gets to prison.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP 10 WAYS TO BE SURE YOU’RE A SENIOR CITIZEN

  1. You’re sure everything you can’t find is in a very secure place.
  2. You’re wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that’s just your left leg.
  3. You’re having trouble remembering simple words like…uh…
  4.  You’re realizing that aging is not for sissies.
  5. You’re walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
  6. You’re sure they are making adults much younger these days.
  7. You’re in the *initial* state of your golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP.
  8. You’re wondering that, if you’re only as old as you feel, how could you be alive at 120?
  9. You’re anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory…
  10. You’re supporting all movements now… by eating bran, prunes and raisins.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Robbing a convenience store isn’t funny… even as a joke.

 

FILE #1: The Broward, Florida, Sheriff’s Office arrested a man they said tried to rob a convenience store and then told the clerk it was just a joke. Investigators say the man walked into the store carrying a rifle and wearing a bandana over the lower half of his face. He pointed the rifle at the clerk, told her not to move, then uncovered his bandana to expose his face and told her he was “only kidding.” Apparently, the man lives near the store and regularly shops there. The clerk recognized the man, who told her he wanted to make sure she was prepared in case someone ever tried to rob the place. He’s been arrested and charged with attempted robbery.

 

FILE #2: When a robber stepped into a bank in Waukesha, Wisconsin, his disguise — his wife’s wig — didn’t help: the branch manager recognized him immediately as a customer; he still got more than $25,000, police say. When he made his escape, he had to run a full block to his parked car. It was enough time for police to arrive, and a chase and gun battle ensued. Nicolas Navarrete was arrested. Why did he turn to robbing banks as a way out of financial troubles? He had seen a TV show about a bank robber who had done 40 jobs before being caught, and thought it looked “easy” to do.

 

FILE #3: Every time we think we’ve found the ultimate dumb criminal story someone else comes along and raises the bar.  In Rotterdam, New York, while waiting for his friend to be processed on a drunken driving charge at the Rotterdam Police Department, 21-year-old Adam Jewett thought he’d just pick up the gumball machine in the police station lobby and walk out the door with it. A dispatcher watching the surveillance system saw the whole thing so a patrolman quickly picked Adam up in the parking lot and arrested him — holding the gumball machine.

 

STRANGE LAW: People are not allowed to enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

One of the first things any businessperson needs are business cards.

…When one 21-year-old budding entrepreneur in Leavenworth, Kansas, embarked on his business venture that’s just what he had made up. Alas, Leavenworth is likely where he’ll be going. Along with his name and phone number was his slogan: “For a quick hit on time call the boss.” Withheld is his name, but drugs were his game. As fate would have it, one of his cards ended up in the hands of local police, who were eager to call and make necessary arrangements to become his newest customers. The man gave the cops some crack, and they gave him $40 and handcuffs. Major Pat Kitchens, deputy chief of the Leavenworth Police Department, said of the business card, “It certainly makes our jobs easier.”

 

 

PHONER PHUN

When did you first realize that you were getting old?

 

Worst, strangest, or most embarrassing place you ever dozed off?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What was the Mediterranean Sea usually called in Bible times?
ANSWER: The Great Sea (Joshua 23:4, Ezekiel 47:19)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: You are driving in a car at a constant speed.  On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.  In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.  Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.  Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.  What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Answer: Get off the children’s carousel

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

  1. There are 63 zeros in a vigintillion. (True)

 

  1. The first manually controlled, patented traffic light was installed in 1914 in Clevenland, Ohio. (True)

 

  1. NASCAR was formed in 1950. (False, 1948)

 

  1. In the U.S. the one month in any given year that does not have a major holiday is March. (False, August)

 

  1. The Philadelphia Stock Exchange (PHLX) is the oldest stock exchange in the United States. (True)

 

  1. The first star depicted on a postage stamp was Grace Kelly. (True)

 

  1. The only male creature to carry and hatch eggs is the seahorse. (True)

 

  1. The capital of Texas is Dallas, Texas. (False, Austin)

 

  1. Epiphany day is the 6th of January. (True)

 

  1. “Twilight Zone: The Movie” was rated R. (False, it was rated PG)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

WILD POSSUM ON THE LOOSE IN ______ (NYC)

NEW YORK –  Authorities are dealing with a unique health in Manhattan:  wild possum are terrorizing residents!

Wild possum have been spotted all over Manhattan and have attacked numerous residents – many who have been taken to New York hospitals and treated for multiple possum bites, rabies and several other possum-related diseases.

A number of possum have been spotted on subways – particularly the D, F and B trains.  Strangely, though the possums have only been spotted in Manhattan, so they seem to get off the trains before heading to Queens or Brooklyn.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card, invite her to your apartment for a home cooked meal?”

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later.

His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

“The evening was a disaster,” he moaned.

“Why?” asked his mother.  “Didn’t she come over?”

“Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook.”

 

JOKE #2

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.

“How romantic!” she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it in a colossal mess.

Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway. “Almost ready!” he vowed. “Sorry it took me so long — I had to refill the pepper shaker.”

“Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?”

“More’n an hour, I reckon. Wasn’t easy stuffin’ it through those dumb little holes.”

 

JOKE #3

As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months. One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job.

I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case. “If you don’t get off there right now,” she commanded, “I’m going to e-mail your father!”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

The FBI has arrested JFK baggage handlers for allegedly smuggling cocaine.  ***MARLAR: However, in the baggage handlers’ defense, they did keep it under 3-ounces and wrapped in clear plastic Ziploc bags.

 

People who ate an apple about 15 minutes before lunch consumed almost 190 fewer calories at lunch than when they didn’t have the apple. ***MARLAR: I’m trying to do this every day now.  I’m trying all kinds of apples too – my favorite so far is caramel.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

TUPPERWARE PARTY

One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his father, “Where did mommy go?”

In answer to his question, he was told, “Mommy is at a Tupperware party.”

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment.  Puzzled, he asked, “What’s a Tupperware party, daddy?”

The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach.  “Well, son,” he said, “at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other.”

He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime…

Then he burst out into laughter, and said, “Come on, Dad! What is it really?”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

It’s a case of life imitating fiction!

A 13-month-old cattle dog named “Lassie” helped to rescue its injured master after he fell from a horse in eastern Australia. George Crowther, a 90-year-old farmer, broke his pelvis when he was pitched from a bucking horse and his foot became caught in the reins. Crowther’s dog, Lassie, came to the rescue, snuggling in next to Crowther to keep him warm. When darkness fell, Crowther’s wife came searching in the woods with a flashlight, but couldn’t hear his cries. The dog ran to her and she said “Where’s George?” Lassie lead the wife to where he was.  (

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INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

FRIENDS…
One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, “Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd.” I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, “Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives.”

He looked at me and said, “Hey thanks!”. There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried his books.
He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play football on Saturday with me and my friends. He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him. And my friends thought the same of him. Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, “Dang boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!” He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors, we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always befriends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn’t me having to get up there and speak.

Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than me and all the girls loved him! Boy, sometimes I was jealous. Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, “Hey, big guy, you’ll be great!”

He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. “Thanks,” he said. As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began. “Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, may be a coach…but mostly your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story.”

I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his mom wouldn’t have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. “Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable.”

I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize its depth. Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person’s life.

–Author unknown

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

TOSSING THE QUEEN

During the heyday of the Napoleonic era, French troops fanned out around the globe to share the “best” of France with their colonies and to bring the best things from those colonies back to France.
Included in this “cultural exchange” was a storehouse filled with ancient Egyptian artifacts. As the empire waned, many of these treasures found their way into the basement of the Paris museum.
In the 1940’s some workmen uncovered a burial case squeezed into an obscure corner of the basement. They decided that the box would make an excellent storage space for many of the treasures. Without consulting the
museum’s caretakers, they simply emptied the contents into the sewer and filled it with odds and ends of Egyptian artifacts.
Only later did they discover that they had inadvertently disposed of the remains of Egypt’s most famous personage–Cleopatra.
In ignorance people regularly discard things of great value. Jesus Christ is God’s greatest gift to mankind, yet he continues to be rejected by “those who do not believe” (1 Peter 2:7).
Edited from Still More Hot Illustrations for Youth Talks by Wayne Rice.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

NIGHTMARE POLITICS

Do you have nightmares a lot? Then I’m guessing you’re a Republican!

A new study shows that Republicans and Democrats even dream along party lines. Researchers at the Graduate Theological Union in Berkley, CA, analyzed the dreams of 56 college students from the conservative and liberal (a.k.a. Democrats and Republican) camps. After four years, he found that conservatives have three times as many nightmares as liberals. It was also discovered that Republicans were more likely to have lifelike dreams than Democrats. Democrats often experienced unfamiliar characters, nutty events and kooky settings.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

ARE YOU NAGGING YOUR SPOUSE WAY TOO MUCH?

We have quizzes for both men and women to help find out. If you’re a chronic complainer, you could be turning into a nasty nag. To find out if you might be nagging your mate too much, take our quick quiz. This first set of questions is just for the women. Keep track of how many YES answers you give.

 

Ladies, in the past two months, did you…

  1. Complain that you wish he made more money?
  2. Remind him about a bad car he bought or an item he lost even though it happened way in the past?
  3. Yell at him for leaving too large a tip at a restaurant?
  4. Bug him about forgetting household chores?
  5. Complain when he stopped for a beer after work?
  6. Demand he drop a friend who’s a bad influence?
  7. Tell him how to behave at a party or event?

 

Now, for the men. Again keep track of your YES answers. In the past two months, did you…

  1. Gripe at her for going over the household budget?
  2. Beef about the money or time she spends shopping?
  3. Suggest her housekeeping is not up to par?
  4. Whine about her cooking?
  5. Rant about her resisting your romantic advances?
  6. Disapprove of the time she spends on the phone with friends?
  7. Berate her for not understanding simple mechanical things?

 

SCORING: Give yourself a point for every YES answer.

  • Zero to 2 points: There’s no danger of you turning into a nag.
  • 3-4 points: Be careful or you could become a nag. Try to remember the situations that cause you to nag your spouse or companion. The next time, try to be more tolerant.
  • 5-7 points: You’re in the danger zone, but the good news is you can change your behavior. Try to calm yourself and put yourself in the other person’s shoes once in a while.  Finally, rather than criticize, ask for the behavior that would please you.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

COKE vs. PEPSI?

Still think the cola wars are about Coke vs. Pepsi? Think again.

…These days the carbonated beverage battleground is diet vs. regular, and it’s looking like the calorie conscious consumer may soon win out. Though the highly competitive $64 billion soft drink industry still is dominated by regular soda, sales of diet are surging and some industry analysts say low-cal could eventually take the lead. That’s because while regular soda sales have sagged, diet’s share of the market has grown steadily since the mid-1990s. Bottled water, tea, sports and fruits drinks also are up, further stealing from regular soda sales. In an obese nation obsessed with calories and carbs, it probably shouldn’t come as a surprise that people are switching to diet, and beverage companies are rushing to give them more choices. In many ways the soft drink industry is better prepared than most others to capitalize on America’s perpetual diet. John Sicher, editor of Beverage Digest, says, “There’s no such thing as a no-calorie hamburger. There’s no such thing as a no-calorie doughnut. But the soft drink industry already has these huge powerful brands of diet drinks.”  ***MARLAR: Okay the most fascinating thing to me about this story is learning that there is actually a magazine called Beverage Digest. Man, that’s gotta be a powerful read.

 

 

FUN LIST

WHAT YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR AT A NUCLEAR POWER PLANT

  • A leak? Can’t you fix it with duct tape or something?
  • Ah fission shmission, relax, I’ll increase the water level after my coffee break.
  • All the way to the RIGHT, not LEFT you dummy!
  • HEY! Is smoke coming out of the core normal?
  • How come all the big shots are leaving?
  • I used to work at Chernobyl.
  • Is that a 60 minute film crew out there?
  • Is this part really necessary?
  • It’s Russian technology.
  • NO, It was YOUR turn to wax the core.
  • OF COURSE I went to high school. Didn’t finish it, though.
  • Oh yeah! 50 bucks says I can make it blow.
  • Sniff, sniff…. you smell that?
  • Was that “Open valve A and close valve B” or was it the other way round?
  • We got 12 seconds to WHAT????
  • .. Look at the good news: we are finally going to find out whether people actually glow in the dark.
  • Who forgot to pay the water bill?
  • This whole plant will be running under Windows Vista tomorrow.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

INCOMING!

The other day my bride and I were out driving, and she started to unintentionally cross over the centerline. I made the comment, “Hey, are you playing airplane, or what?” But that made me think… why do airstrips have those yellow dashes down the center anyway? What possible purpose do they serve? It’s not as if the airplane has to stay to one side of the strip or the other because of oncoming traffic, right? Well, here could be one of the reasons. By law, the U.S. interstate highway system (in other words, our highways) requires that 1 mile in every 5 must be straight. Why? Well, because in times of war, these straight sections can be used as airstrips or other emergencies. Imagine that. Every day of the week pilots are practicing to land on what you take to work every day… the highway.  ***MARLAR: So, my question is this: where then can WE go in order to practice avoiding large Boeing aircraft flying directly at us on the highway?

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Will God determine who wins the Super Bowl? According to a new survey by the Public Religion Research Institute and Religion News Service, millions of Americans think He will. A Christian Post report say the PRRI survey found millions of Americans see God’s hand working in sports and believe God rewards athletes of faith. 53 percent of Americans and 56 percent of sports fans say that God rewards athletes who have faith with good health and success.

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

JANUARY 22, 2016…

 

The 5th Wave—Aliens have attacked many times and Earth is about to give up.  Chloe Grace Moretz is one of the fighters who thinks there is still a chance with a secret weapon. Also in the cast are Nick Robinson, Ron Livingston, Maria Bello and Live Schreiber. “The 5th Wave” is rated R. Rating of 2.

 

Ride Along 2—It had to happen, a sequel.  In this story, Kevin Hart has gone through the police academy and has a job following a crook (Benjamin Bratt) to Miama. Of course, his future father-in-law, Ice Cube, comes along. Tika Sumpter plays Kevin’s girlfriend. ”Ride Along 2 is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

Mojave (opening in select cities)—In this drama, Garrett Hedlund is lost in the desert and meets Oscar Isaac.  The men end up chasing each other and all against this desert climate. “Mojave” is rated R. No rating.

 

Synchronicity (opening in select cities)—This is a time travel film about a man who has art work stolen from him and has to go into time to find the thief. Stars Michael Ironside and Brianne Davis. “Synchronicity” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

JANUARY 29, 2016…

 

The Finest Hours is about a real life drama on the sea in 1950 with a dramatic rescue by the Coast Guard. Stars Chris Pine and Casey Affleck.

 

Here we go again and a new opening date—Jane Got Her Gun is set in the Old West about a woman defending her property against outlaws.

 

Kung Fu Panda 3 and this time he is being maneuvered into an arranged marriage. Voice of Jack Black.

 

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.