January 27, 2017: Friday ONAIRprep

PRINT VERSION OF TODAY’S PREP: 20170127

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS! (As an ONAIRprep subscriber, you can gain access to all of the work parts for the Daily Dose of Weird News, allowing you to edit for length and content – and also receive a custom tag specifically for your station or show which you can have updated at any time… ABSOLUTELY FREE! It’s part of your subscription now! Email me to get FTP access and your free customized tag!)

…..

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Hello, my name is (YOUR NAME). That’s not my real name, I use a ‘radio name’ to protect my true identity off the air. If I used my real name on the radio, I couldn’t operate a successful brain surgery and upholstery steam cleaning business without people constantly bugging me by asking “Are you that super talented guy on (STATION) every morning?” I hope you understand.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. –Proverbs 10:19 (NIV)

If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. — Galatians 6:1

After they prayed, the place where they were meeting was shaken. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly. — Acts 4:31

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com.)

And a voice came from heaven: “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.” — Mark 1:11

Thought: Shortly after Jesus’ baptism, he went to face Satan in a grueling 40 days of temptation. Remember what Satan’s opening words were? “If you are the Son of God…” Wasn’t it great that God had already reassured him of his relationship before it was questioned? What do those you love need to hear from you today? You don’t know when their time of trial will come; you just know it will, so go ahead and reassure them before it’s necessary!

Prayer: Almighty and loving Father, please help me to say the right words of love and affection to those whom I love so that when temptation comes, or when others try to draw them away from me, they will not doubt my love for them. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Colossians 1:27 NIV = …the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

TODAY IS FRISDAY – JANUARY 27, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
332 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is LISTEN TO CLASSICAL MUSIC DURING LUNCH DAY.  ***I don’t mind you listening to the classical station for an hour just for today – we could all use a little culture in our lives, and you know you ain’t getting any culture listening to THIS show.

Today is BIG SNOW DAY. On this date in 1887, during a snowstorm in Fort Keough, Montana, snowflakes were measured as wide as 15 inches.   ***It was the only time in history where a single snowflake could cause a concussion.

Today is NATIONAL PUNCH THE CLOCK DAY.  ***And OH how many of us have been tempted to do EXACTLY that? Especially when it goes off at 4:00am!

GROUNDHOG DAYS begin today in Woodstock, Illinois, the filming site of the Bill Murray movie, “Groundhog Day.”  Groundhog Days is today through February 2nd (the traditional Groundhog Day). (audio clip)

Today is LAVERNE & SHIRLEY DAY, marking the debut of the popular TV sitcom on this date in 1976. A spin-off from “Happy Days,” the show starred Penny Marshall and Cindy Williams. (audio clip)

TODAY IS ALSO…
Auschwitz Liberation Day
Fun at Work Day
Holocaust Memorial Day
International Day of Commemoration in Memory of the Victims of the Holocaust Link
National Big Wig Day Link
National Geographic Day
National Pre-school Fitness Day Link
Thomas Crapper Day
Viet Nam Peace Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below.)

SATURDAY, JANUARY 28

A.F.R.M.A. Fancy Rat & Mouse Day
Data Privacy Day Link  Link
National Kazoo Day Link
National Seed Swap Day
Thank A Plugin Developer Day Link
Visit Your Local Quilt Shop Day

SUNDAY, JANUARY 29

Curmudgeons Day
Freethinkers Day
National Puzzle Day Link
Seeing Eye Dog Day
Thomas Paine Day
World Leprosy Day

MONDAY, JANUARY 30

Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day Link and Link
Croissant Day Link
Inane Answering Message Day

TUESDAY, JANUARY 31

Appreciate Your Social Security Check Day
Inspire Your Heart with Art Day
Street Children Day Link  Link

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 01

Candy-Making Day
Car Insurance Day
Change Your Password Day Link
Decorating With Candy Day
G.I. Joe Day
Hula in The Coola Day
International Face & Body Art Day Link
Freedom Day
National Signing Day Link
Robinson Crusoe Day
Serpent Day Link
Spunky Old Broads Day
National Girls & Women in Sports Day

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 02

Ayn Rand Day  Link
Candelmas
Crepe Day
Crepe Day or La Chandeleur Link
Groundhog Day
Groundhog Job Shadow Day
Hedgehog Day
Imbolc
Marmot Day Link
Sled Dog Day: 2
World Play Your Ukulele Day Link
World Wetlands Day Link

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 03

Bubble Gum Day Link 
Give Kids A Smile Day Link
Four Chaplains Memorial Day
National Women’s Physicians Day Link
The Day The Music Died
Wear Red Day
Working Naked Day Link

ON THIS DAY

1785: The first state university in America, the University of Georgia, was chartered in Athens.

1880: American inventor Thomas Alva Edison of Menlo Park, New Jersey, patented the incandescent electric lamp.

1951: The U.S. began testing atomic devices in the Nevada desert as an Air Force plane dropped a one-kiloton bomb on Frenchman Flats.

1956: RCA released its first record by Elvis Presley. “Heartbreak Hotel” hit #1 on both the pop and country charts and reached #5 on the R&B charts.

1958: “Little” Richard Wayne Penniman interrupted his music career to enter a theological seminary in Huntsville, Alabama, where he received a degree.

1971: British musician David Bowie arrived in America for the first time. He did not perform, but received lots of publicity in Texas and Louisiana for wearing dresses.

1973: Tom T. Hall’s “(Old Dogs and Children and) Watermelon Wine” hit #1 on Billboard’s country music chart. After chatting with an old man in a hotel bar, he had written the song during an airplane flight on the back of an airsick bag.

1984: Wayne Gretzky set a National Hockey League record for consecutive game scoring, as his streak ended at 51 games. Gretzky collected 153 points, 61 goals and 92 assists, during the run.

1985: The Coca-Cola Company, of Atlanta announced plans to sell its soft drinks for the first time in Russia and other Soviet Republics.

1989: A meter maid discovered the body of a 67-year-old man in a parked van in Oklahoma City. He had been dead of natural causes for four days. Several parking tickets, placed on the van during the three previous days, were cancelled.

1994: Rueben Mattus died at age 81. Starting as a teenager he sold his family’s homemade ice cream to small stores in the Bronx for 30 years. Then in 1959 he took a chance, doubled the price, and changed the name to Haagen-Dazs.

1998: First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton, appearing on NBC’s Today show, charged the allegations of sexual impropriety against her husband were the work of a “vast right-wing conspiracy.”

2001: Actress Beverley D’Angelo gave birth to twin girls, making actor Al Pacino a father again at age 60.

2003: A teenager was catapulted 25 feet in the air during an auto accident in Blue Springs, Missouri, but grabbed onto overhead telephone wires like an action hero and dangled for 20 minutes before a rescue crew brought him down by ladder. Eighteen-year-old Joe Thompson was treated for bruises and scratches. He told reporters, “God was definitely in control.”

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

398: John Chrysostom, the greatest preacher of his age, is consecrated bishop of Constantinople.

417: Pelagius, a British monk, is excommunicated for heresy. He denied original sin and claimed that men could become righteous by the exercise of free will.

1302: On a trumped-up charge of hostility to the church and corrupt practices, Dante Alighieri is fined heavily and perpetually excluded from political office (he was a chief magistrate). Further condemned in March and driven out of Florence in April, Dante began writing The Divine Comedy, an epic poem in which he travels through hell, purgatory, and heaven.

1972: In Columbia, the white and black United Methodist conferences of South Carolina — separated since the Civil War — voted in their respective meetings to adopt a plan of union.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actor (Mike on Ed) Josh Randall, 45
  • Actor/comedian (Spence on “King of Queens”, Ratatouille) Patton Oswalt, 48
  • Actor (Goldeneye, X2: X-Men United) Alan Cumming, 52
  • Actress (A Simple Plan, Jackie Brown) Bridget Fonda, 53
  • Actress (ex-wife of Tom Cruise, Lost in Space the movie) Mimi Rogers, 61
  • Dancer/actor Mikhail Baryshnikov is 69
  • Actor (Babe, The Green Mile) James Cromwell, 75

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1756 : Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

1885 : Jerome Kern

1895 : Harry Ruby

1916 : Milt Raskin

1918 : Skitch Henderson

1918 : Elmore James

1919 : David Seville (The Chiplunks)

1930 : Bobby “Blue” Bland

1931 : Rudi Maugeri (The Crew Cuts)

1944 : Kevin Coyne

1944 : Nick Mason (Pink Floyd)

1947 : Nedra Talley (The Ronettes)

1948 : Kim Gardner (Ashton, Gardner & Dyke)

1951 : Brian Downey (Thin Lizzy)

1951 : Seth Justman (The J. Geils Band)

1961 : Margo Timmins (Cowboy Junkies)

1961 : Gillian Gilbert (New Order)

1968 : Mike Patton (Faith No More)

1970 : Mark Trojanowski (Sister Hazel)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Have there ever been any serious errors in the Bible?

  • In a 1631 edition of the King James Bible, in Exodus 20 verse 14, the word “not” was left out. This changed the 7th commandment to read, “Thou shalt commit adultery.” Most of the copies were recalled immediately and destroyed on the orders of Charles I. But there are 11 copies still remaining. They are known as the “Wicked Bible.” (The Bible museum in Branson, Missouri has one on display.) The printer was fined the equivalent of $400.
  • The word “not” was also left out in the 1653 edition. In 1 Corinthians 6 verse 9 it was printed: “Know ye not that the unrighteous shall inherit the kingdom of God” – instead of “”Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God.” Again it was recalled immediately (- dashing the hopes of many!). It is known as the “Unrighteous Bible.”
  • The Murderer’s Bible, printed in 1801, declared: “these are murderers” (instead of murmurers) and continued, “let the children first be killed” (instead of “filled.”)
  • Perhaps the error in Psalm 119 verse 161 in a 1702 version summed it all up: instead of “princes” it read, “printers have persecuted me.” It is known as the Printer’s Bible.

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving three days a week from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Worship Leader Lincoln Brewster: Not sure why but I’m just one of those people who thinks everything is better when the sun is shining.

Hollyn has a new twitter account. Tobymac shared this week that her old twitter account got hacked so she has made the move. Her new account available at: @imhollyn. Hollyn will release a new project in February

Kerrie Roberts says cleaning up Christmas decorations is a forever process. She posted: Anyone else still working on getting Christmas packed up?

Question for the day from Ramsden Michael: Would you want to be flown in a plane by a post-truth pilot?

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

The new Whitehouse.gov website has gone to an English-only content. ***Democrat voters are already complaining they aren’t able to read it.

Friends say that Hillary Clinton is thinking about writing a new book. ***Has she already forgotten how nobody bought her last one – back when she still had a shot at being President?  She only sold like a thousand copies in the month it was released.  I don’t think that warrants a sequel.

This should motivate you to clean up your house: When people live in a clean-smelling environment, they are unconsciously more fair and generous, according to researchers from Brigham Young University, the University of Toronto and Northwestern University. All it took was a few spritzes of citrus-scented Windex for the study participants to show a dramatic improvement in their ethical behavior! No one is saying this is a magic elixir, but just think of the power it could have on your spouse. Or your kids. Or your boss. It also has implications for offices and retail stores. Basically, the study shows that morality and cleanliness can go hand-in-hand.  ***So the next time I go in to the boss to ask for a raise, I’m bringing a can of Lysol.

China has ordered more than 100 golf courses to be shut down in order to protect land and water. *** They could’ve asked the factories to pull back on the amount of smog they were producing, but we all know it’s the golf courses that are the real culprits of environmental pollution.

Research reveals if you want to feel good and have more self-esteem you should talk about yourself or compliment yourself. ***Forget milk – it’s narcissism that does a body good!

Guess what’s back at the top of the Amazon best-seller book list? It’s none other than George Orwell’s 1984! First published in 1949, Penguin Publishing is now planning to print another 75,000 copies to meet demand. The surge in sales follows Kellyanne Conway’s claim that the Trump administration was presenting “alternative facts” instead of falsehoods, an assertion critics described as distinctly Orwellian. The book hit No. 6 on the list on Monday and reached No. 1 Tuesday night. Apparently Conway’s comments inspired social media users to share 1984 quotes including: “The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.” Incidentally, Sinclair Lewis’ 1935 novel about an authoritarian president, It Can’t Happen Here, is at No. 46 on Amazon’s list, with Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World at No. 71. Meanwhile, Trump’s own Art of the Deal is at No. 31. At No. 2 is Tools of Titans: The Tactics, Routines, and Habits of Billionaires, Icons, and World-Class Performers by Timothy Ferriss. (Telegraph) ***We’re reading books more than ever before!  He really is making America great again!

Wal-Mart is partnering with AutoNation to start selling cars.  ***”Could you please tell me where I could find a new Ford F-150?” “Sure… they’re at the end of aisle 13 between the beef jerky and the canned spinach.”

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

An international survey by Harlequin Romances found that women say the most attractive trait in a man is a sense of humor.  ***On newsstands now – People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” is Larry the Cable Guy.

Men are five times more likely to be hit by lightening than women. ***That’s because most women are protected by the lightening-proof walls of Macy’s.

Scottish writer William McGonagall has long been proclaimed the worst poet ever and a recently discovered play by him makes McGonagall a candidate for the worst playwright ever.  ***The play is so awful, it’s already being talked about as the next big movie role for Adam Sandler.

A University of Michigan study found that lack of sleep may contribute to childhood obesity, with every additional hour of sleep per night that a third-grader gets reducing his chances of being obese in sixth grade by 40 percent. The “magic number” for third graders to prevent obesity was 9 hours, 45 minutes of sleep a day. ***That’s why we have an obesity epidemic in this country… we’re not spending enough time lying around in bed.

A recent study shows that electric cars are actually no more environmentally friendly than gasoline-powered vehicles.  ***Plus they are less likely to survive a head-on collision with a squirrel.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational inspiration in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

CLOSE: So what’s so exciting about walking to the library? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

A shocking story in today’s Moment of Duh. 

Twenty-five-year-old Joshua Philip Martin was only in his fourth day on the job in Russell County last June when he decided to play a prank on 23-year-old Courtney Rhoton.  Josh, a rescue squad worker, seems to be a happy-go-lucky sort of guy.  And since he was an Emergency Medical Technician, he used the available equipment to mess with his co-workers.  What he did was playfully zap Courtney on the chest and shoulder with a defibrillator, which is that electronic device with the paddles that you see the doctors on television use to revive people whose heart has stopped beating.  The use of it is always preceded with a shout of the word “Clear!”  Pretty funny, I bet, like a giant joy buzzer, except that Courtney went into cardiac arrest seconds after being shocked and died three days later.  I don’t normally include stories that involved death in my Moment of Duh… but this guy is so obviously an inDUHvidual of unprecedented measure, that I had no choice but use this story.  County prosecutor Mike Bush says J.P. was NOT yet qualified to use the defibrillator and had been told not to play with it.  Now Joshua is the one who’ll be shocked when he gets to prison.

TOP TEN

TOP 10 WAYS TO BE SURE YOU’RE A SENIOR CITIZEN

10. You’re sure everything you can’t find is in a very secure place.

9. You’re wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that’s just your left leg.

8. You’re having trouble remembering simple words like…uh…

7.  You’re realizing that aging is not for sissies.

6. You’re walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

5. You’re sure they are making adults much younger these days.

4. You’re in the *initial* state of your golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP.

3. You’re wondering that, if you’re only as old as you feel, how could you be alive at 120?

2. You’re anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory…

1. You’re supporting all movements now… by eating bran, prunes and raisins.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Robbing a convenience store isn’t funny… even as a joke.

FILE #1: The Broward, Florida, Sheriff’s Office arrested a man they said tried to rob a convenience store and then told the clerk it was just a joke. Investigators say the man walked into the store carrying a rifle and wearing a bandana over the lower half of his face. He pointed the rifle at the clerk, told her not to move, then uncovered his bandana to expose his face and told her he was “only kidding.” Apparently, the man lives near the store and regularly shops there. The clerk recognized the man, who told her he wanted to make sure she was prepared in case someone ever tried to rob the place. He’s been arrested and charged with attempted robbery.

FILE #2: When a robber stepped into a bank in Waukesha, Wisconsin, his disguise — his wife’s wig — didn’t help: the branch manager recognized him immediately as a customer; he still got more than $25,000, police say. When he made his escape, he had to run a full block to his parked car. It was enough time for police to arrive, and a chase and gun battle ensued. Nicolas Navarrete was arrested. Why did he turn to robbing banks as a way out of financial troubles? He had seen a TV show about a bank robber who had done 40 jobs before being caught, and thought it looked “easy” to do.

FILE #3: Every time we think we’ve found the ultimate dumb criminal story someone else comes along and raises the bar.  In Rotterdam, New York, while waiting for his friend to be processed on a drunken driving charge at the Rotterdam Police Department, 21-year-old Adam Jewett thought he’d just pick up the gumball machine in the police station lobby and walk out the door with it. A dispatcher watching the surveillance system saw the whole thing so a patrolman quickly picked Adam up in the parking lot and arrested him — holding the gumball machine.

STRANGE LAW: People are not allowed to enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

One of the first things any businessperson needs are business cards.

…When one 21-year-old budding entrepreneur in Leavenworth, Kansas, embarked on his business venture that’s just what he had made up. Alas, Leavenworth is likely where he’ll be going. Along with his name and phone number was his slogan: “For a quick hit on time call the boss.” Withheld is his name, but drugs were his game. As fate would have it, one of his cards ended up in the hands of local police, who were eager to call and make necessary arrangements to become his newest customers. The man gave the cops some crack, and they gave him $40 and handcuffs. Major Pat Kitchens, deputy chief of the Leavenworth Police Department, said of the business card, “It certainly makes our jobs easier.”

PHONER PHUN

When did you first realize that you were getting old?

Worst, strangest, or most embarrassing place you ever dozed off?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What was the Mediterranean Sea usually called in Bible times?
ANSWER: The Great Sea (Joshua 23:4, Ezekiel 47:19)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: You are driving in a car at a constant speed.  On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.  In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.  Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.  Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.  What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Answer: Get off the children’s carousel

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. There are 63 zeros in a vigintillion. (True)

2. The first manually controlled, patented traffic light was installed in 1914 in Clevenland, Ohio. (True)

3. NASCAR was formed in 1950. (False, 1948)

4. In the U.S. the one month in any given year that does not have a major holiday is March. (False, August)

5. The Philadelphia Stock Exchange (PHLX) is the oldest stock exchange in the United States. (True)

6. The first star depicted on a postage stamp was Grace Kelly. (True)

7. The only male creature to carry and hatch eggs is the seahorse. (True)

8. The capital of Texas is Dallas, Texas. (False, Austin)

9. Epiphany day is the 6th of January. (True)

10. “Twilight Zone: The Movie” was rated R. (False, it was rated PG)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

WILD POSSUM ON THE LOOSE IN ______ (NYC)

NEW YORK –  Authorities are dealing with a unique health in Manhattan:  wild possum are terrorizing residents!

Wild possum have been spotted all over Manhattan and have attacked numerous residents – many who have been taken to New York hospitals and treated for multiple possum bites, rabies and several other possum-related diseases.

A number of possum have been spotted on subways – particularly the D, F and B trains.  Strangely, though the possums have only been spotted in Manhattan, so they seem to get off the trains before heading to Queens or Brooklyn.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card, invite her to your apartment for a home cooked meal?”

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later.

His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

“The evening was a disaster,” he moaned.

“Why?” asked his mother.  “Didn’t she come over?”

“Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook.”

JOKE #2

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.

“How romantic!” she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it in a colossal mess.

Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway. “Almost ready!” he vowed. “Sorry it took me so long — I had to refill the pepper shaker.”

“Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?”

“More’n an hour, I reckon. Wasn’t easy stuffin’ it through those dumb little holes.”

JOKE #3

As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months. One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job.

I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case. “If you don’t get off there right now,” she commanded, “I’m going to e-mail your father!”

USELESS FACTS

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.  ***Two thoughts.  One, they probably shouldn’t call him the Speaker.  And, two… how do we bring this rule to the United States?

People who ate an apple about 15 minutes before lunch consumed almost 190 fewer calories at lunch than when they didn’t have the apple. ***I’m trying to do this every day now.  I’m trying all kinds of apples too – my favorite so far is caramel.

FEATURED FUNNIES

TUPPERWARE PARTY

One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his father, “Where did mommy go?”

In answer to his question, he was told, “Mommy is at a Tupperware party.”

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment.  Puzzled, he asked, “What’s a Tupperware party, daddy?”

The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach.  “Well, son,” he said, “at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other.”

He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime…

Then he burst out into laughter, and said, “Come on, Dad! What is it really?”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

It’s a case of life imitating fiction!

A 13-month-old cattle dog named “Lassie” helped to rescue its injured master after he fell from a horse in eastern Australia. George Crowther, a 90-year-old farmer, broke his pelvis when he was pitched from a bucking horse and his foot became caught in the reins. Crowther’s dog, Lassie, came to the rescue, snuggling in next to Crowther to keep him warm. When darkness fell, Crowther’s wife came searching in the woods with a flashlight, but couldn’t hear his cries. The dog ran to her and she said “Where’s George?” Lassie lead the wife to where he was. (audio clip)

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

FRIENDS…
One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, “Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd.” I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, “Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives.”

He looked at me and said, “Hey thanks!”. There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried his books.
He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play football on Saturday with me and my friends. He said yes. We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him. And my friends thought the same of him. Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, “Dang boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!” He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors, we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always befriends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn’t me having to get up there and speak.

Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than me and all the girls loved him! Boy, sometimes I was jealous. Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, “Hey, big guy, you’ll be great!”

He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. “Thanks,” he said. As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began. “Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, may be a coach…but mostly your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story.”

I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his mom wouldn’t have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. “Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable.”

I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize its depth. Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person’s life.

–Author unknown

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

TOSSING THE QUEEN

During the heyday of the Napoleonic era, French troops fanned out around the globe to share the “best” of France with their colonies and to bring the best things from those colonies back to France.
Included in this “cultural exchange” was a storehouse filled with ancient Egyptian artifacts. As the empire waned, many of these treasures found their way into the basement of the Paris museum.
In the 1940’s some workmen uncovered a burial case squeezed into an obscure corner of the basement. They decided that the box would make an excellent storage space for many of the treasures. Without consulting the
museum’s caretakers, they simply emptied the contents into the sewer and filled it with odds and ends of Egyptian artifacts.
Only later did they discover that they had inadvertently disposed of the remains of Egypt’s most famous personage–Cleopatra.
In ignorance people regularly discard things of great value. Jesus Christ is God’s greatest gift to mankind, yet he continues to be rejected by “those who do not believe” (1 Peter 2:7).
Edited from Still More Hot Illustrations for Youth Talks by Wayne Rice.

LEFTOVERS

NIGHTMARE POLITICS

Do you have nightmares a lot? Then I’m guessing you’re a Republican!

A new study shows that Republicans and Democrats even dream along party lines. Researchers at the Graduate Theological Union in Berkley, CA, analyzed the dreams of 56 college students from the conservative and liberal (a.k.a. Democrats and Republican) camps. After four years, he found that conservatives have three times as many nightmares as liberals. It was also discovered that Republicans were more likely to have lifelike dreams than Democrats. Democrats often experienced unfamiliar characters, nutty events and kooky settings.

LIFE… LIVE IT

ARE YOU NAGGING YOUR SPOUSE WAY TOO MUCH?

We have quizzes for both men and women to help find out. If you’re a chronic complainer, you could be turning into a nasty nag. To find out if you might be nagging your mate too much, take our quick quiz. This first set of questions is just for the women. Keep track of how many YES answers you give.

Ladies, in the past two months, did you…

1. Complain that you wish he made more money?

2. Remind him about a bad car he bought or an item he lost even though it happened way in the past?

3. Yell at him for leaving too large a tip at a restaurant?

4. Bug him about forgetting household chores?

5. Complain when he stopped for a beer after work?

6. Demand he drop a friend who’s a bad influence?

7. Tell him how to behave at a party or event?

Now, for the men. Again keep track of your YES answers. In the past two months, did you…

1. Gripe at her for going over the household budget?

2. Beef about the money or time she spends shopping?

3. Suggest her housekeeping is not up to par?

4. Whine about her cooking?

5. Rant about her resisting your romantic advances?

6. Disapprove of the time she spends on the phone with friends?

7. Berate her for not understanding simple mechanical things?

SCORING: Give yourself a point for every YES answer.

  • Zero to 2 points: There’s no danger of you turning into a nag.

  • 3-4 points: Be careful or you could become a nag. Try to remember the situations that cause you to nag your spouse or companion. The next time, try to be more tolerant.

  • 5-7 points: You’re in the danger zone, but the good news is you can change your behavior. Try to calm yourself and put yourself in the other person’s shoes once in a while. Finally, rather than criticize, ask for the behavior that would please you.

JUST FOR FUN

COKE vs. PEPSI?

Still think the cola wars are about Coke vs. Pepsi? Think again.

…These days the carbonated beverage battleground is diet vs. regular, and it’s looking like the calorie conscious consumer may soon win out. Though the highly competitive $64 billion soft drink industry still is dominated by regular soda, sales of diet are surging and some industry analysts say low-cal could eventually take the lead. That’s because while regular soda sales have sagged, diet’s share of the market has grown steadily since the mid-1990s. Bottled water, tea, sports and fruits drinks also are up, further stealing from regular soda sales. In an obese nation obsessed with calories and carbs, it probably shouldn’t come as a surprise that people are switching to diet, and beverage companies are rushing to give them more choices. In many ways the soft drink industry is better prepared than most others to capitalize on America’s perpetual diet. John Sicher, editor of Beverage Digest, says, “There’s no such thing as a no-calorie hamburger. There’s no such thing as a no-calorie doughnut. But the soft drink industry already has these huge powerful brands of diet drinks.”  ***MARLAR: Okay the most fascinating thing to me about this story is learning that there is actually a magazine called Beverage Digest. Man, that’s gotta be a powerful read.

FUN LIST

WHAT YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR AT A NUCLEAR POWER PLANT

  • A leak? Can’t you fix it with duct tape or something?
  • Ah fission shmission, relax, I’ll increase the water level after my coffee break.
  • All the way to the RIGHT, not LEFT you dummy!
  • HEY! Is smoke coming out of the core normal?
  • How come all the big shots are leaving?
  • I used to work at Chernobyl.
  • Is that a 60 minute film crew out there?
  • Is this part really necessary?
  • It’s Russian technology.
  • NO, It was YOUR turn to wax the core.
  • OF COURSE I went to high school. Didn’t finish it, though.
  • Oh yeah! 50 bucks says I can make it blow.
  • Sniff, sniff…. you smell that?
  • Was that “Open valve A and close valve B” or was it the other way round?
  • We got 12 seconds to WHAT????
  • Well… Look at the good news: we are finally going to find out whether people actually glow in the dark.
  • Who forgot to pay the water bill?
  • This whole plant will be running under Windows Vista tomorrow.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

INCOMING!

The other day my bride and I were out driving, and she started to unintentionally cross over the centerline. I made the comment, “Hey, are you playing airplane, or what?” But that made me think… why do airstrips have those yellow dashes down the center anyway? What possible purpose do they serve? It’s not as if the airplane has to stay to one side of the strip or the other because of oncoming traffic, right? Well, here could be one of the reasons. By law, the U.S. interstate highway system (in other words, our highways) requires that 1 mile in every 5 must be straight. Why? Well, because in times of war, these straight sections can be used as airstrips or other emergencies. Imagine that. Every day of the week pilots are practicing to land on what you take to work every day… the highway.  ***MARLAR: So, my question is this: where then can WE go in order to practice avoiding large Boeing aircraft flying directly at us on the highway?

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Will God determine who wins the Super Bowl? According to a recent survey by the Public Religion Research Institute and Religion News Service, millions of Americans think He will. A Christian Post report say the PRRI survey found millions of Americans see God’s hand working in sports and believe God rewards athletes of faith. 53 percent of Americans and 56 percent of sports fans say that God rewards athletes who have faith with good health and success.

From eating only grapefruits to ditching carbs, fad diets come and go with the seasons. But according to a US study, quick fix meal plans don’t work with the vast majority of dieters piling all the weight back on. While UK research found that the secret to long-term slimming isn’t cutting out but cutting back on sugary or fatty foods. The University of Pennsylvania’s Centre for Weight and Eating Disorders found that 65 per cent of people who turn to a fad diet will regain the weight within three years – and only five per cent will keep the weight off. Meanwhile a UK-wide study by calorie counting app and website, Nutracheck, revealed that 86 per cent of dieters who have lost enough weight to improve their health did so while continuing to eat chocolate, crisps and other carbohydrates.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3067396/Could-scoffing-chocolates-wine-carbs-secret-LOSING-weight-Experts-reveal-86-successful-dieters-eat-treats-pounds-off.html

CHURCH MAKES YOUR BRAIN HEALTHIER!

A new study says religion can actually be linked to an increase in your brain’s grey matter. According to a report in Relevant magazine, the study found that people who are more religious were at a lower risk for depression than people who weren’t, and the researchers believe it may be because of how spirituality affects the brain. The research team conducted brain scans on hundreds of patients and found that those who described themselves as religious had thicker outer cortexes of grey matter—an indication of a healthy brain.

Good news!  Sleeping a few extra hours on Saturday and Sunday is not slothful. It’s healthy. Getting too little sleep, which is epidemic in our 24/7 society, is a major contributor to type 2 diabetes. But researchers from the University of Chicago have determined that two consecutive nights of extended sleep, which is a typical weekend occurrence, appears to counteract that increased risk of type 2 diabetes associated with short-term sleep restriction during the work week.

In an attempt to be more environmentally friendly, Adidas is introducing a running shoe made from biodegradable artificial spider silk that will melt away when you’re done with them. Once you’ve worn out your pair (the company recommends two years of use), you can immerse the shoes in water, add a digestion enzyme called proteinase, and let it work for 36 hours. It will cause the protein-based yarn to break down, and you’ll be able to send the liquefied shoes down the sink-all but the foam sole, which you’ll still have to throw away. Adidas says the shoes are 15 percent lighter than comparable running shoes, while remaining strong and durable. They are non-allergenic and vegan. And, if you’re wondering, they will not melt on your feet in the rain because the proteinase enzyme is required for biodegradation.

NASA is now allowing you to view the earth live the International Space Station! Go full screen, sit back, watch & enjoy our home planet. 
http://go.nasa.gov/2jFj2Ls

A Mississippi Christian university that was hit hard by the devastating tornadoes also received several reminders of God’s protection. William Carey University in Hattiesburg suffered extensive damage, but thankfully, no one was killed. There was extensive damage to the Chapel on campus, but the Bible on the pulpit was left undisturbed. It’s opened to Psalm 46: ‘God is our refuge and strength in times of trouble,'”. Also in the middle of the devastation, a campus statue of Jesus also survived, surrounded by debris but untouched by the tornado.
http://bit.ly/2jtuWaj

The Vatican has launched a new YouTube channel so priceless Christian art can reach ‘all corners of the earth’. The Vatican Museums channel and updated website offers high-resolution images of their masterpieces along with mobile-friendly information.
http://bit.ly/2jXUuQp

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JANUARY 27, 2017…

 

Academy Award Nominations are announced this week.

 

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter—Mila Jovovich comes back as Alice to go against that evil Umbrella Corporation in Raccoon City. Also in the cast are Li Bingbing, Glen Iain and Ever Gabe Anderson. “Resident Evil: The Final Chapter” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans and you know who you are.

 

(opening from an earlier date) Julieta—This is a Spanish language film (subtitled) directed by Pedro Almodovar. It concerns a mother’s (Emma Svarez)  search for a missing daughter. Also in the cast are Daniel Grao and Adriana Ugarte. “Julieta” is rated R. No rating.

 

(opening from an earlier date) Gold—Try, just try to recognize Matthew McConaughey in the role of Kenny Wells who goes to Borneo to find gold. You read that right.  His girlfriend, Bryce Dallas Howard, faithfully follows him.  People will do just about anything to get rich in a hurry.  Also in the cast are Edgar Ramirez and Corey Stoll. “Gold” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

 

A Dog’s Purpose—Bring hanky.  The film is adapted from the book by W. Bruce Cameron about a dog named Toby, who is reincarnated time after time into certain situations where you can help people. The human cast includes Britt Robertson, Josh Gad and Dennis Quaid. “A Dog’s Purpose” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2.

 

Bastards—Owen Wilson is searching for his supposedly dead father, who supposedly died a long time ago. What next? Also in the cast are Ed Helms, Glenn Close and J. K. Simmons. “Bastard” is rated R. No rating.

 

FEBRUARY 3, 2017…

 

The Space Between Us (opening from an earlier date) concerns the first child born on Mars.

 

Rings is a sequel to the supernatural film of several years ago and stars Johnny Galecki.

 

The Comedian has Robert DeNiro on a comeback road but doing community service because of an outburst. This is a comedy/drama. Also stars Leslie Mann.

 

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.