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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160129
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
How cruel is this? I just read that the best way to fight insomnia is to get lots of sleep.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
Jesus said, “Wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. — Matthew 7:13-14
Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. — Ephesians 6:12-13
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being. — Ephesians 3:16
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. — Colossians 1:13-14
Thought: Rescued! Redeemed! Forgiven! Those are the three concepts in this short passage. But, maybe the most important one of all is represented by the phrase, “Son he loves.” God didn’t save us with a plan, or a message, or a clean and immaculate process. Instead, he took what was most precious to him and offered Jesus up as our salvation. The cost was enormous. The love involved was overwhelming. The result is our greatest gift.
Prayer: Almighty God and Loving Father, neither my words nor my deeds could ever repay the gift you have given me in Jesus. Jesus, my appreciation for your sacrifice moves me to tears of joyful thanksgiving. For all that you have done, for all that you have made me, and for all that it cost you, I praise you and offer my life as a sacrifice of praise. In your name, Lord Jesus, I offer up my praise. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Colossians 1:29 NIV = To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me.
TODAY IS FRIDAY – JANUARY 29, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 332 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
HOT COW DAY. In 1884, U.S. patent #292,504 was issued for the Locomotive Cow Squirter, a device to install on a locomotive boiler that could be used to squirt hot water on cattle that might block railroad tracks. *** Not only do you get to your destination; you also get steamed beef!
Today is NATIONAL PUZZLE DAY. *** Much like the look the boss gives me every time I ask for a raise.
Today is FREETHINKER’S DAY. *** Which is a lot better than giving your opinion and being charged for it.
This is still BUBBLE WRAP APPRECIATION WEEK. Initially, the makers of Bubble Wrap considered their product not for packing material but as wall paper! *** For airheads, perhaps?
BUBBLE WRAP PERSONALITY TEST
How do you like to pop your Bubble Wrap?
- Pop each bubble individually, starting at the top and moving across the rows to the bottom of the sheet: Pragmatic, Self Assured – You are a “take-charge” person that solves problems in a practical, straightforward manner. You have a realistic view of day-to-day tasks and tackle them with a sense of purpose. You are extremely organized and are likely to pursue a career as an air traffic controller.
- Randomly choose bubbles to pop, slowly squeeze the air out of each bubble for maximum effect while displaying the pinched bubble for all to see: Light-hearted, Carefree – You are inquisitive, love new things and enjoy life to the fullest. You do well with change and love surprises. You will most likely pursue a career as an investigative journalist.
- Throw Bubble Wrap material on the floor and stomp on it: Extroverted, Self-Motivated – You like interesting and varied work and are not afraid to take risks. You are ambitious and eager to play an active role in events. More than likely you will have an aggressive career as a professional wrestler or stunt person.
- Grasp it firmly in both hands and twist, popping the bubbles in rapid fire succession: Unconventional, Independent – As a highly individualistic person, you desire the freedom to plot your own course. You are action-oriented and like to see immediate results for your efforts. You may consider a career as an entrepreneur, culinary chef, or safari guide.
- Prefer to pop bubbles only from left to right or right to left: Loyal, Analytical – You can be counted on to be faithful to the cause. Dependability coupled with your keen reasoning skills offers you opportunities for added responsibility at work. Have you considered a career as a lobbyist, or a social activist?
- Always keep a stash of Bubble Wrap material on hand for quick pick-me-up or stress reliever: Peaceful, Well-Balanced – People consider you warm and down-to earth. You are admired for your ability to anticipate the needs of others. You may be regimented yet ready for new challenges. You are well suited for a career in the medical or hospitality field.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Fun at Work Day
National Pre-school Fitness Day
Seeing Eye Dog Day
Thomas Paine Day
COMING UP NEXT
SATURDAY, JANUARY 30
Inane Answering Machine Message Day
National Seed Swap Day
SUNDAY, JANUARY 31
Appreciate Your Social Security Check Day
Inspire your Heart with Art Day
World Leprosy Day
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 01
Car Insurance Day
Decorating With Candy Day
G.I. Joe Day
Hula in the Coola Day
Robinson Crusoe Day
Spunky Old Broads Day
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 02
Ayn rand Day
Groundhog Job Shadow Day
Sled Dog Day
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 03
Four Chaplains Memorial Day
The Day The Music Died
National Girls & Women in Sports Day
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 04
Facebook’s Birthday (give them a poke!)
World Cancer Day
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 05
Move Hollywood and Broadway to Lebanon, PA Day
Shower With a Friend Day (***They’d better be a reeeeeally good friend!)
Cordova Ice Worm Day
Wear Red Day
Working Naked Day (***I’m on the radio, so you’d never know… and no, I’m not going to tell you.)
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 06
Canadian Maple Syrup Day
Lame Duck Day
Ice Cream For Breakfast Day
Take Your Child to the Library Day
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 07
Dump Your Significant Jerk Day
National Periodic Table Day
Super Bowl 50
Wave All Your Fingers At Your Neighbors Day
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 08
Laugh And Get Rich Day
Chinese New Year
ON THIS DAY
1936: The first members of baseball’s Hall of Fame, including Ty Cobb and Babe Ruth, were named in Cooperstown, New York.
1951: Elizabeth Taylor divorced her first husband, Conrad Hilton Jr.
1958: Actor Paul Newman and actress Joanne Woodward were married.
1884: U.S. patent #292,504 was issued for the Locomotive Cow Squirter, a device to install on a locomotive boiler that could be used to squirt hot water on cattle that might block railroad tracks.
1962: Warner Brothers Records signed a Grenwich Village trio called Peter, Paul, and Mary. Peter Yarrow was a folk singer; Paul Stookey, a standup comic, and Mary Travers was a Broadway chorus girl.
1964: In probably history’s worst basketball game, Grand Avenue High School of DeQuincy, Louisiana, annihilated Audrey Memorial of Cameron 211 to 29.
1964: In history’s longest basketball game, Boone High School defeated Angier High 56-54 in North Carolina—in overtime #13!
1977: Has-been singer Kenny Rogers appeared on the country music charts with a song called “Lucille.” Hal Bynum had written the song on a napkin while watching a couple argue at the Greyhound bus station in Toledo.
1985: O.J. Simpson became the first Heisman Trophy winner to be elected to pro football’s Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio.
1990: When a Houston bandit pointed two pistols at store clerk Wazir Jrwi, Jrwi offered to pay $200 each for the guns. The robber agreed, handed over the pistols, and then tried to leave with the store’s cash. Jrwi, who had electronically locked the doors, agreed to let the bandit leave without the money.
1996: The big winner at the 23rd American Music Awards was Garth Brooks.
1996: When a South Marston, England, burglar was caught trying to pull a cigarette machine through the front door of a nightclub, a club employee chased him into the parking lot and tackled him. The burglar’s accomplice panicked, and backed the getaway car over both men. The employee was not seriously injured, but the burglar suffered a broken thigh, knee, and foot. (audio clip)
1999: Britain’s Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles appeared together in public for the first time, posing for photos outside London’s Ritz Hotel, where they had attended a party.
2000: A teenage boy in Thessaloniki, Greece, survived a 63-foot fall from his seventh-story apartment balcony after landing on two plastic dumpsters. The 17-year-old was hospitalized with a broken leg and a mild concussion.
2006: Bob Woodruff, ABC’s evening news co-anchor, and his cameraman, Doug Vogt, were severely injured when hit by a roadside bomb northwest of Baghdad.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
993: Ulric (890-973), Bishop of Augsburg from 923, is formally canonized by Pope John XV, the first recorded canonization by a pope.
1499: Katherine von Bora, a German nun who married Martin Luther in 1525, is born. At their wedding, she was 26 and he was 41.
1523: Before an audience of more than 600 people gathered at the first Zurich Disputation, Swiss reformer Ulrich Zwingli successfully defends his 67 theses. He appealed only to Scripture and rejected the authority of the pope, the sacrifice of the Mass, the invocation of saints, times and seasons of fasting, and clerical celibacy. But the city council nevertheless declared “that Master Ulrich Zwingli (may) continue to preach the Holy Gospel and the true divine Scripture as he has done until now for as long a time and to such an extent until he be instructed differently”.
1535: The French royal family, church officials, and many other dignitaries join in an immense torch-lit procession from the Louvre to Notre Dame; an attempt to purge Paris from the defilement caused by overzealous Protestants and their placards (a man named Feret had nailed one of the most inflammatory placards to the king’s bedroom door months before). The day ended with six Protestants being hung from ropes and roasted.
1866: Katherine Hankey writes the popular hymn “Tell Me the Old Old Story” while she is recovering from an ailment.
1917: Death of Stephen Merritt. He had made himself an authority on the work of the Holy Spirit. A young African man named Sammy Morris traveled to America to learn about the Spirit. Stephen Merritt attempted to show Sammy the buildings of New York, but Sammy asked him to stop the carriage and to pray. He said he came to learn about the Holy Spirit, not about the big buildings in a busy port!
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actor (Free Willy) Jason James Richter 35
- actor (“Thunder Alley”, “Party of Five”, “7th Heaven”) Andrew Keegan 36 (audio clip)
- actress (“Roseanne”, “Twins”, “24”, “The Big Bang Theory”) Sara Gilbert 40 (audio clip)
- actress (Baby on Board, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, Lost In Space, Boogie Nights) Heather Graham 45
- director/actor (The Holiday, Saving Private Ryan) Edward Burns 47
- actress (Mary Ellen on “The Waltons”) Judy Norton-Taylor 57 (audio clip)
- TV host/actress Oprah Winfrey is 61
- actress (“It’s a Living”, Mr. Mom) Ann Jillian 64
- actor (“Magnum P.I.”, Three Men and a Baby, “Las Vegas”, “Friends”, “Blue Bloods”) Tom Selleck is 70 (audio clip)
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1862 : Frederick Delius
1923 : Ivo Robic
1947 : David Byron (Uriah Heep)
1952 : Tamas Erdelyi (Tommy Ramone) – (Ramones)
1953 : Louis Perez (Los Lobos)
1961 : Eddie Jackson (Queensryche)
1964 : Marcus Verre (Living In A Box)
1981 : Jonny Lang
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Where did the word “toady” come from?
The word “toady” originally referred to a magician’s assistant who literally ate toads a part of the show. Toads were once thought to be poisonous; when the “toady” recovered from eating one of them it was considered an indication of the magician’s power.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard is not just a singer; he is also an expert on opening bananas without bruising them. He is out with a new video teaching you how to open a banana like a pro. In fact, Jon says this is how gorillas do it. Watch the 15 second video…
Michael W Smith is back in the studio. The long time Christian artist tweeted this week that he was working on what he called “a very special project”. He says the project has him back in the studio sooner then he thought he would but he isn’t giving much additional information. Michael simply promised that details will be coming soon.
You may be able to relate to the dilemma Jamie Grace had this week. She was trying to organize her closet but tweeted: important things keep coming up an distracting me. She clarified: important things like pizza.
The question of the hour; has Citizenway added a fifth member? Ben Blascoe may have let the cat out of the bag. He has been sharing picture of his new mustache in 2016 and recently posted as the band headed out on a music cruise: In my cabin that I am sharing with our new 5th player, Daniel.
(No news on the weekends. Audio clips are only valid for a few days before being removed from our servers.)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Sony recently announced that it will stop producing Betamax tapes in March of 2016. Sony introduced the Betamax format in 1975, a year before rival Japanese firm JVC unveiled the VHS tape. Both allowed recording and playback of TV shows and movies. Although many people considered Betamax to be a superior technology, VHS became the product of choice because it was cheaper and the tapes lasted three hours instead of one. *** We report this for the three people in the world that it might affect.
Crayola has launched its own line of coloring books called “Crayola Color Escapes.” The company calls the coloring books “premium coloring pages specially designed for adults.” *** Orders for flesh-colored crayons have spiked 238%.
A professional ballroom dancer who lost a leg in the Boston Marathon bombings says she’s training to run this year’s race: all 26.2 miles. Adrianne Haslet-Davis will run to raise money and awareness for Limbs for Life, an organization that provides prostheses to low-income amputees. Haslet-Davis lost her left leg below the knee in the Boston Marathon bombings. ***Me? I get winded pulling myself off the couch to make my way to the freezer to get a bomb pop.
A Spanish matador is being investigated for bullfighting while holding his five-month-old baby. Francisco Rivera Ordóñez posted a photo on his Instagram feed with the caption: “Carmen’s debut.” And he responded to his critics, saying: “There is no safer place for her.” ***The second safest place for her being anywhere away from her dad.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
If you take a lunchtime run, walk, or stroll, you’ll return to work feeling less stressed if you exercise in a park. Finnish researchers found that even short-term visits to nature areas have positive effects on perceived stress relief. ***MARLAR: Or if you’re in a rush, skip the park walk and listen to the song MacArthur Park.
A recent study shows that babies sometimes fake-cry just to get attention. As adults, it’s mostly to boost ratings on a reality TV show.
In Japan a recent survey found that 37 wildlife display facilities have removed any creatures who’s popular names such as “dwarf penguin” or “blind eel” might be considered “discriminatory.” ***MARLAR: Discriminatory to who – the animals? Are the animals complaining? If so, forget the whole “discriminatory to animals” thing… you’ve got talking animals!
British Columbia is now using camera-equipped garbage trucks to film what gets dumped in order to make sure people are recycling properly. ***MARLAR: Not only will you get caught dumping a body, but you might get fined for placing it in the wrong garbage bin.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Slow Children”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… David Dean, “Hugging a Stranger”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!
Last time, Gruffy Bear cancelled his checkers game with Sully so he could help out a friend’s bowling team who was short one player. Gruffy was doing well, in fact, he was doing very well! Finally it came down to the last ball, and it was all up to Gruffy… he had to get a strike or the team would lose the tournament!
CLOSE: That was great bowling by Gruffy – but now he has a dilemma. He already promised Sully that he’d play checkers tomorrow night. He’s already cancelled twice – and now he has decide whether or not to break his promise to Sully… again! What will he do? We’ll find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JANUARY 30/31
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals followed Louis the lion into the jungle to look for a new king. A king who would be wise, and noble, and brave! But right now, Louis and all of the other jungle animals are in a deep, dark, and scary part of the jungle… and Louis is afraid of the dark!
CLOSE: Not only is real life decisions scary for Louis, but now even his dreams are making him nervous! Will the animals ever find the right person to be king of the jungle? Tune in again next time to find out, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Marie was just trying to protect her job – but committed a Moment of Duh in the process.
When Jacksonville, Florida’s Marie Cooley noticed a help wanted ad in the newspaper for a job that looked like hers, she was certain she was about to be fired. Not one to timidly sit by waiting for her pink slip, Marie snuck into the office one night and accessed the company computers with her own account and proceeded to delete seven years and $2.5 million worth of architectural drawings. As it turns out, the want ad was not for Marie’s job and they had no intention of firing her, at least not before her little caper. On the upside, Marie may not need a new job for the next five years as she’s now facing felony charges. The good news is that a computer expert was able to recover all of the deleted files.
TOP TEN PUNS
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot ’round the world.
3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Aspiring criminals may want to wait and begin their careers in the summertime.
FILE #1: Police in Bend, Oregon, were called to a reported burglary at the Rustic River Restaurant and Lounge. Officers soon had 36-year-old Julius Jacob Ludwig in custody. And how did they catch their man so quickly? Elementary, my dear Watson, they just followed his footprints in the snow.
FILE #2: If you’re going to pursue a career in burglary, it’s always handy to know a little bit about your intended victims. This would’ve been a helpful tip for 24-year-old Gregory St. Germain, of Lighthouse Point, Florida. Gregory thought that burglarizing the home of 53-year-old Margot Foster would be a piece of cake. But, unbeknownst to Gregory, Margot is a marathon runner and black belt in martial arts. She used both skills to chase Gregory six blocks and hold him for police.
FILE #3: In England a fraudster has been jailed for nearly four years for stealing more than $1 million using a fictional law firm from The Three Stooges. Patrick Michael Penker used variations of the name of the firm Dewey, Cheetum and Howe to obtain cashier’s checks from banks.
STRANGE LAW: In Atlanta, Georgia, it’s illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
A man is arrested at his own wedding!
A Swedish man convicted of a drug offense failed to return to prison after a weekend of home leave — but was caught by police at his own wedding. Police allowed the 24-year-old to marry his bride but whisked him back to prison straight afterwards, preventing the couple from spending their wedding night together.
I just recently found out that I have sleep apnea. When I was taking the test I was asked whether or not I talk or walk in my sleep. Honestly, I don’t know – Robin hasn’t said anything, but then she could be keeping quiet about it thinking it’s fun. Have you ever sleepwalked? What’s the weirdest thing you did when sleepwalking? Ever said anything while sleep-talking that you wish you hadn’t?
Super Bowl Sunday has officially replaced all other holidays as the ultimate day of food feasting. Frederick Kaufman, author of A Short History Of The American Stomach (Harcourt), says scarfing down food is “one of the characteristics of American culture,” and the Super Bowl is the day to celebrate that. What types of munchies are you going to serve up?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: God answered this man twice “out of a whirlwind”, who was he?
ANSWER: Job (Job 38:1 Job 40:6)
QUESTION: What is a group of colts properly called?
ANSWER: A rag. ***MARLAR: Does Indianapolis know this?
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- The most abundant metal in the Earth’s crust is copper. (False, aluminum.)
- The only rock that floats in water is pumice. (True)
- The United States government keeps its supply of gold at the US Military Academy at West Point, NY. (False, they keep their silver there.)
- Sea water, loaded with mineral salts, weighs about a pound and a half more per cubit foot than fresh water at the same temperature. (True)
- Golfers use an estimated $800 million worth of golf balls each month. (False – each year.)
- In 1905, 18 men died from injuries sustained on the football field. (True. President Theodore Roosevelt stepped in and instituted safety measures to make the game safer.)
- In playing poker, there is one chance in 500 of drawing a straight. (False, flush.)
- Olympic badminton rules say that the bird has to have exactly fourteen feathers. (True)
- One gallon of pure maple syrup weighs 11 pounds. (True)
- A lion has to feed every three or four hours. (False – a lion feeds once every three to four days.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
RUSSIANS FIND LIFE ON _______ (VENUS)
MOSCOW – A Russian probe found living beings on Venus!
This is actually the second time that a Russian probe has found life on Venus. In 1982, several objects resembling living beings were detected on photographs taken by a Russian landing probe on a Venus mission.
Leonid Ksanfomaliti of the Space Research Institute of Russia’s Academy of Sciences published a research that analyzed the photographs from the Venus mission made by a Soviet landing probe, Venus-13, in 1982.
The photographs feature several objects, which Ksanfomaliti said, resembled a “disk”, a “black flap” and a “scorpion”.
All of them “emerge, fluctuate and disappear”, the scientist said, referring to their changing location on different photographs and traces on the ground.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A guy is driving around Wadsworth, Ohio and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. “You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Lab replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?”
“Because he’s a habitual liar – he never did any of that stuff.”
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.
“Tell me,” said he, “if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?’
The inmate said, “It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful.”
“Marvelous,” said the head of the institution.
“Or else,” ruminated the inmate. “I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one’s life in bringing up a new generation of scientists.”
“Absolutely,” said the head.
“Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution.”
“An interesting possibility,” said the head.
“And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.”
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or you gave birth to it.
Wal-Mart is opening a store in McKinney, Texas, that will be powered partly by wind. ***MARLAR: Upon entry, all customers will be given complimentary nose plugs.
Experts say kissing a child’s boo boo really does make it better. The child believes the pain will stop and that triggers the release of pain killing endorphins. ***MARLAR: I’ve asked my mom to kiss the electric bill.
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
A New Zealand couple’s Christian beliefs made them confess a fraud that would have never been uncovered.
…Laurel Teriaki and her husband Gene Douglas recently became born again Christians and wanted to make right on a $22,000 Social Security Fraud that Government officials say they would not have known anything about had the couple not come to them and told them. Now, the couple will be forced to perform 200 hours of community service but feel like a load has been lifted from them.
THE DAISY DOCTRINE?
Now, let me set the record straight: I am not a theologian! I love words and I love GOD’S Word–and a combination of the two brings you this off-beat devotional today. You won’t find this doctrine in any theology book, taught at any theological seminary, or in any best-selling self-help book…you’ll only find it here, and it’s free–so listen up! It comes from the school of life and passing the course may well be a pre-requisite to getting a coveted daisy degree some day!
Remember the childhood days of picking daisies, then pulling petals, one by one, “He loves me…he loves me not…” – You held your breath to be sure it came out right…and if it did not, you might even cheat a little to make it so!
Well, let me take you down MY first daisy trail today – “He LOVES me…He loves me NOT?” Does God’s love waver? Is it dependent upon our attitudes, our actions, our manners, our moods? Indeed not. Pull the daisy petals all you’d like – it will always come out the same – He LOVES ME…..it’s a love that never fails…a doctrine that’s ever real–and it’s yours and mine, unconditionally, this day!
One more daisy trail before we head home…this one? “He GIVES Me…He Gives me NOT!” And what does He give me? GRACE for each day; GRACE for each trial; GRACE for all time! But don’t stop there–the next petal? “He gives me NOT…” Now is there anything that God does NOT give us? Does the Daisy Doctrine work here? It sure does–for “God hath NOT given us the spirit of fear, but of love, and of power and of a sound mind!”
Next time, old slew foot shows up in your garden, take HIM down these daisy trails….Show HIM the unconditional, inexhaustible love of your great God–then point him to the never-failing, fear-expelling grace of your loving Lord–and he’ll be out of your garden in a hurry. He doesn’t like DAISY DOCTRINE…but I do–so take it or leave it, devil; we’re takin’ it with us this week, so watch out!!
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
LET’S TALK ABOUT IT
Read: Matthew 18:15-20
Let not mercy and truth forsake you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. —Proverbs 3:3
The police in San Diego received complaints from a woman who said she was getting annoying phone calls. In the middle of the night a person would phone her, bark like a dog, and then hang up. Police eventually discovered that the source of the calls was a neighbor. He said that whenever he was awakened by the barking of her dog, he wanted to make sure she was awake too.
The neighbor’s approach certainly didn’t express the wisdom of God. The Scriptures tell us that it is often necessary to face a problem head-on (Matthew 18:15-20). At the right time and for the sake of all parties involved, an honest discussion is part of the solution.
Yet such a loving, open approach is not usually followed among Christians. Rather than trusting God and walking into a tense situation with a clear conscience and a desire for peace, we tend to play games. Hints are dropped. Affection is withheld. Conversation is abbreviated. The air gets chilly, and ice forms around a situation that can only be melted by a wise combination of mercy and truth (Proverbs 3:3).
Our complaints against others cannot be smoothed over by burying our anger. If a problem is not small enough to overlook graciously, then let’s talk about it. —Mart De Haan
If you can’t forgive a brother
For the wrong he’s done to you,
Go to him and talk it over—
That’s the Christian thing to do. —D. De Haan
The best way to destroy your enemy is to make him your friend.
BAD EXCUSE DEPARTMENT
Next time you’re late for a plane, do not do what Nikita Kotiadis did.
…The Greek dairy executive was late for his flight to Brussels and thought he could slow down its departure by phoning in a bomb threat. From his office he asked his secretary to get Axon Airlines on the phone. She did, and he told them there was a bomb aboard, but before connecting him, she had announced to the airline agent that they had a call from Mr. Nikita Kotiadis. Not a smart idea to phone in a bomb threat and have your secretary give the airline your name. He was sentenced to seven months in prison. ***MARLAR: Note to Mr. Kotiadas secretary – if your boss calls from prison with a great idea on how to get out of prison, hang up!
LIFE… LIVE IT
According to psychologist Dr. Herbert Hoffman, odd couples — unions in which one spouse is neat and the other sloppy — are not only very common, but they tend to be very successful.
…About 70-percent of all marriages are made up of odd couples. Dr. Hoffman says like-minded people don’t get along nearly as well as odd couples who seem to get more of a kick out of their relationship. Dr. Hoffman does have a word of warning though – the neat partner should not try to change the sloppy one because he or she was born that way. ***MARLAR: And yes, I’ve already sent a copy of this to my wife. (
JUST FOR FUN
DON’T CALL US, WE’LL CALL YOU
Ever wish you could turn the tables on the telemarketers and start calling them to annoy them? One man decided to do just that when they refused to take him off of their list.
Telemarketers. We all hate them, don’t we? They call at the most inopportune times, they don’t take no for an answer, and they never listen when you tell them to stop calling. If it weren’t for the fact that they were on the phone, you’d likely use the phone cord to strangle them. One Duluth, Minnesota man had enough of the telemarketers – and turned the tables on a company that hounded him with telemarketing calls, calling it more than 100 times in two days. Marc Plaisted said he started calling Minnesota Auto Glass after the St. Peter-based company’s telemarketers called him up to three times a day — even after he asked them not to. Marc figured the calls would stop when he signed on to Minnesota’s “do-not-call” list. He was wrong. According to Marc, “I’m following the law and asking to be taken off the list and they ignore me and then, on top of it, start swearing at me. That was where they flipped the switch with me and I said, ‘Enough is enough. I’m going after you guys now.'” Marc started calling the Minnesota Auto Glass’s Duluth office last Thursday, and placed more than 100 calls, he said. “I just called them every five minutes and let them know that, no, I don’t have a crack in my windshield, because this seems to be something they are very concerned about,” Marc said. A Minnesota Auto Glass manager in Duluth said Marc’s number has now been removed from its list and that proof of the removal would be put in writing. ***MARLAR: And sent to him five times per day via email with offers to fix his cracked windshield.
SUPER BOWL PIZZA SALES
Most pizza chains will have their single-biggest sales day of the year on Super Bowl Sunday. The biggest pizza-selling days:
- Super Bowl Sunday
- New Year’s Eve
- The night before Thanksgiving
- New Year’s Day
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
Turns out your car is one of the most dangerous places to be – even if you’re still parked in the garage.
Bacteria can be found all over the steering wheel of your cars, along with the dashboard. But the spot found to have the most bacteria is the gearshift. Microbiologists from Aston University in Birmingham, England, found that the typical car has 283 different types of bacteria in every square centimeter. The gearshift has 356 germs per square centimeter. But cars where children and pets frequently ride had the highest amount of bacteria. Cars with higher mileage had more bacteria and worse fungal air quality. Want more?
- We spend, on average, about three years of our life in our cars.
- 25% eat in their cars at least once a week.
- 25% admit their car is littered with food wrappers and empty drink bottles and cans.
- 16% confessed they typically leave uneaten food inside the vehicle instead of throwing it in the Trash!
- 50% agreed they would never let their home get as dirty as their car.
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Doritos is giving $1 million to the person who comes up with the best Super Bowl ad. According to the web site Mashable.com, Doritos’ campaign lets fans submit their own home-made commercials in hopes of prestige and $1 million in prize money. This year, three humorous finalists were culled from a pool of 4,500 submissions drawn from 28 countries. You can see the three finalist commercials here:
Answers in Genesis opened an online ticketing system earlier this month to help manage the millions of requests they have been receiving to tour the life-size re-creation of Noah’s Ark known as Ark Encounter. With more than 1.4 million visitors expected, tickets will be sold for separate daytime or evening visits during the first 40 days of opening, starting July 7. The 40 days and 40 nights theme reflects the number of days and nights it rained while Noah and his family were on the Ark, as documented in Genesis 7. The Ark Encounter will be located in northern Kentucky (south of Cincinnati). Workers at the Williamstown site are busy constructing the internal exhibit areas of the Ark now that the external shell is largely complete. The main attraction is the largest timber frame structure in the world, standing at 510 feet long in accordance with the dimensions specified in the Bible.
When a military wife’s furnace broke down, a Pennsylvania repairman stepped in and fixed the malfunctioning unit at a huge discount. He charged her $1. Paul Betlyn of Betlyn Heating and Cooling said the job normally would have cost about $150, but he gave Stevens, a mother of two, a “deployment discount.” He told a local TV station: “I’m not the hero here. The deployed, they’re the heroes.”
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
A little nonsense now and then is cherished by the wisest men. — Roald Dahl, (Willy Wonka) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
JANUARY 29, 2016…
*Note: Yet again, moved from an earlier date: Jane Got A Gun—This western is set back in pioneer days and tells the story of Jane (Natalie Portman and she fought bad guys in “Star Wars“), who is married and lives on a nice, little ranch. She catches the eye of the bad guy (Ewan McGregor) and he ends up wounding her husband. Jane needs help, so goes to an old boyfriend, Joel Edgerton, and then the battle begins. “Jane Got A Gun” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans of the stars.
The Finest Hours—Based on a real disaster in the seas around 1952, the Coast Guard finished a climactic rescue against all odds. The 2009 book by M. J. Tougias tells the story, also. If you want to know what terrible storms on the seas are like, also see “The Perfect Storm” film starring George Clooney. No picnic. This film stars Chris Pine, Casey Affleck, Eric Bana and Ben Foster. “The Finest Hours” is rated R. Rating of 3.
Kung Fu Panda 3—Yes, even the sequel has a sequel. Can’t keep a good Panda down. In this movie Poo has to travel to meet his biological father because there has been an arranged marriage between Poo and another Panda. In the meantime, there is a villain lurking about, as always. Jack Black is the voice of Poo, and other actors voices include Angelina Jolie, Dustin Hoffman, Jackie Chan and Seth Rogen. “Kung Fu Panda 3” is rated PG. Rating of 3.
50 Shades Of Black—It had to happen. Marlon Wayans both stars and puts together this parody of “50 Shades of Gray,” only this time the cast is African-American. A rough edge on the comedy. Stars include Kali Hawk, Marlon Wayans, Jane Seymour and Mike Epps. “50 Shades Of Black” is rated R. No rating.
Lazer Team—A science fiction comedy, this plot has a group of average citizens finding a space ship with space suits inside. Of course, they don’t know how to operate anything, but try to help people anyway. This cast has Alan Ritchson, Irina Voronina and Colton Dunn. “Lazer Team” is rated PG 13. No rating.
The Pastor—No rating on this yet, but could be PG 13. “The Pastor” is a story of a former gang member, released from prison, who begins a church in a Hispanic gang neighborhood. Problems happen that are difficult to deal with and test his faith. The cast has Franky G, Victoria Cartagena and Angelic Zambiana. No rating.
FEBRUARY 05, 2016…
The Choice is a drama with romance about two people and love at first sight. Stars Benjamin Walker and Teresa Palmer.
Hail! Caesar is a comedy by the Coen Brothers concerning the kidnapping of a Hollywood star. The cast includes George Clooney and Josh Brolin.
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and you read that right. Loosely—quite loosely—adapted from the Jane Austen book, Lily James (“Downton Abbey”) and her sisters wear corsets and battle evil.
Regression is a thriller about a man who doesn’t remember abusing his daughter. Stars include Ethan Hawke, David Dencik and Emma Watson.
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