January 30, 2018: Tuesday ONAIRprep

ONAIRprep is a paid subscription service from MarlarHouse.com. Visit ONAIRprep.com for information.

Looking for the customized tag for “Daily Dose of Weird News” for your show or station? Email me directly at darren@marlarhouse.com to get started – it’s free with your ONAIRprep subscription!

**********
PRINT VERSIONS OF TODAY’S PREP:
ODT: 20180130
PDF: 20180130

**********

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

At one time, I could barely stand to drink the coffee around here, but it’s not bad if you add a little ketchup.

Today’s (JOCK SHOW) is brought to you by 8-Up, the exciting new soft drink for discriminating soft drink drinkers who want to be one-up on everybody else.

I just read that getting ten minutes of brisk exercise triggers metabolic changes that last at least an hour.  So I’ve been wasting my time on the treadmill, 30-minutes at a time?!?!

I wish 8 hours of sleep went as slow as 8 hours of work.– Matt Case

PRESIDENTIAL WIT & WISDOM (click here to buy the book)

(None on the weekends or holidays.)

“We need not fear the expression of ideas – we do need to fear their suppression.” – Harry S. Truman

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. –Ephesians 5:19-20

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things. — Philippians 4:8

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. — Romans 12:15

Thought: While misery may love company, grief tends to make us withdraw and hide. Let’s remember those who have lost loved ones, especially this time of year. Let them know how you valued their loved one and miss him or her, too. Please keep these folks in your prayers and in your social plans, as well. In addition, make this a season of true joy — affirm others by rejoicing in their blessings.

Prayer: Holy God and comforting Father, please give me eyes to see and a heart to offer loving care to those around me who are grieving. During this special time of year, please use me to be a blessing to those in sorrow. In addition, dear God, help me to also encourage and support the joy of those who are rejoicing around me. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Corinthians 1:30 NIV = It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption.

TODAY IS TUESDAY – JANUARY 30, 2018

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
329 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL NEXT CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL FLIRT A LITTLE BIT DAY. ***And this goes for the married folks too; flirting with your spouse can be fun!

Today is THERMOS BOTTLE DAY. ***Oddly enough, I’m not running hot OR cold on this one. Kinda lukewarm about it, actually.

Today is NATIONAL YODEL FOR YOUR NEIGHBORS DAY. ***Never could, likely never will, and certainly never want to.

Today is INANE VOICE MAIL GREETING DAY.  A few examples…

  • Hello. I’m David’s voice mail. What are you?
  • This is not just a voice mail greeting — this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.
  • Hi. I’m probably just ignoring this call; I’m avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.
  • We’re sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Croissant Day
National Plan For A Vacation Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 31

Appreciate Your Social Security Check Day
Inspire Your Heart with Art Day
Street Children Day

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 01

Candy-Making Day
Car Insurance Day
Change Your Password Day
Decorating With Candy Day
G.I. Joe Day
Hula in The Coola Day
International Face & Body Art Day
Freedom Day
National Get Up Day (About Perserverance. Not Getting Out Of Bed.)
Robinson Crusoe Day
Serpent Day
Spunky Old Broads Day

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 02

Ayn Rand Da
Bubble Gum Day (First Friday)
Candelmas

Crepe Day
Crepe Day or La Chandeleur
Give Kids A Smile Day (First Friday)
Groundhog Day
Groundhog Job Shadow Day
Hedgehog Day
Imbolc

Marmot Day
Sled Dog Day
World Play Your Ukulele Day
World Wetlands Day

Wear Red Day (First Friday)
Working Naked Day (First Friday)

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 03

Barber Day (First Saturday)
Four Chaplains Memorial Day
Ice Cream For Breakfast Day (First Saturday)
National Missing Person’s Day
National Women’s Physicians Day
Take Your Child To The Library Day (First Saturday)
The Day The Music Died

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 04

Facebook’s Birthday
Liberace Day
Medjoola Date Day
Popcorn Day (Super Bowl Sunday is Primary Observance)
Super Bowl 52
Quacker Day
USO Day
World Cancer Day

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 05

Adlai Stevenson Day
Dump Your Significant Jerk Day (First Day of Dump Your Significant Jerk Week)
Move Hollywood & Broadway to Lebanon, PA Day
Shower With A Friend Day
Weatherman’s [Weatherperson’s] Day
Western Monarch Day
World Nutella Day
World Animal Reiki Day

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 06

Canadian Maple Syrup Day
Lame Duck Day
Safer Internet Day
International Day of Zero Tolerance to Female Genital Mutilation
African American Coaches Day

ON THIS DAY

1866: Gelett Burgess was born in Boston. He wrote “Goops and How to Be Them” and “Are You A Bromide,” but was best known for his poem “The Purple Cow.”

1917: The Original Dixieland Jazz Band recorded “The Darktown Strutters’ Ball.” Many consider it the first jazz recording.

1933: The first radio broadcast of “The Lone Ranger” originated in Detroit. On that first program Tonto’s horse was named White Feller. The program ran for 2,956 episodes and ended in 1955.

1936: Major-league baseball’s Boston Braves changed their name to the Boston Bees, thinking possibly the team’s name was contributing to its losing record. They did win more games the next two years, but then started losing big again. So in 1940 the Bees became the Braves again.

1956: Some 17,000 fans braved a Denver snowstorm to attend a concert starring Webb Pierce, Red Foley, Ray Price, and Floyd Cramer.

1956: Elvis Presley recorded “Blue Suede Shoes” for RCA. The hit version on Sun would peak at #4 three weeks later by Carl Perkins. Elvis’ version reached #24 on March 28th. Both originally recorded for Sun Records in Memphis.

1958: Designer Yves Saint Laurent held his first major fashion show in Paris. He was 22 years old.

1968: Bobby Goldsboro recorded “Honey.”

1978: The Mutual Broadcasting System began broadcasting “The Larry King Show” on radio.

1982: Sam “Lightnin” Hopkins died in Houston at age 69. With over a hundred albums and probably a thousand singles, Lightnin was king of the low-down misery blues and possibly the cornerstone of rock ‘n roll. No doubt about it, he had his mojo working.

1994: The Dallas Cowboys repeated as NFL champions by defeating the Buffalo Bills, 30-13, in Super Bowl 28. It was the fourth straight Super Bowl loss for the Bills.

1996: Kevin Eubanks became official leader of “The Tonight Show” Band.

1996: Michael Jackson’s unauthorized biographer, Randy Taraborrelli, claimed the pop star paid Lisa Marie Presley $15 million to marry him for a year. Jackson’s attorney said there was no such deal.

2003: President Bush put allies on notice that diplomacy would give way to a decision on war with Iraq in “weeks, not months.” World leaders and congressional critics urged patience and demanded proof of Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction.

2005: Despite widespread violence, about 60 percent of Iraqi voters cast ballots in the country’s first free election in half a century.

2007: Alexa Rodriguez decided she’d had enough of the gridlock and made her appearance in parents Magin Rodriguez and Wendy Neba’s 4Runner. Alexa was the second baby born that week to moms stuck on I-5 near Seattle, and the 4th during January. Three arrived on I-5 and one in a restaurant parking lot. State troopers reported all moms and babies were doing well.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1536: Catholic priest Menno Simons leaves the Roman Catholic church over his doubts about transubstantiation and converts to the Anabaptist movement, which he would soon lead.

1877: Responding to Henry Stanley’s plea for “some pious, practical missionary” to follow up David Livingstone’s missionary foray into Uganda, three members of Alexander Mackay’s Church Missionary Society team arrive at King Mutesa’s court. Though missions saw few immediate results, the Ugandan church quickly strengthened and grew after the missionaries’ deaths.

1912: Evangelical missionary, philosopher, author, and lecturer Francis Schaeffer is born in Philadelphia. A leading figure in the resurgence of evangelicalism during the 1960s and 1970s, he blamed the rise of relativism for the decline of Western culture.

1956: 2,500 members of the Little Flock in China are forced to attend a mass denunciation because of their faith.

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“That 70’s Show”, “NCIS”) Wilmer Valderrama, 38
  • actor (The Machinist, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, The Prestige) Christian Bale 44
  • comedienne (“Grace Under Fire”) Brett Butler 60 (audio clip)
  • Former Vice-President Dick Cheney 77
  • actress (“Nip-Tuck”, Crime and Punishment, Deep Impact, Murder on the Orient Express, Mission Impossible) Vanessa Redgrave 81
  • actor (Enemy of the State, The Poseidon Adventure) Gene Hackman is 88

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1566 : Alessandro Piccinini

1911 : Roy Eldridge

1921 : Bernie Leighton

1928 : Ruth Brown

1936 : Horst Jankowski

1938 : Norma Jean

1941 : Joe Terranova (Danny and the Juniors)

1942 : Marty Balin (Jefferson Airplane/Starship)

1945 : Steve Marriott (The Small Faces, Humble Pie)

1949 : William King (The Commodores)

1951 : Phil Collins

1951 : Mary Ross (Quaterflash)

1952 : Steve Bartek (Oingo Boingo)

1959 : Jody Watley

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

If yellow is the easiest color to see, why are stop signs red?

Well there’s a possible psychological explanation. Car-bound cowboys might see a yellow stop sign as a challenge to their manhood. If you give in to the traffic rules you don’t have the guts to risk instant death. Stop and you’re as yellow as the sign. Actually that’s not too far off. Psychology is what the color of the sign is all about. Red causes excitement and heightened awareness to most people. In other words, drivers are likely to notice it and pay attention. Then there’s the aversion factor: red also conjures up blood. Do you really want your face and body rearranged to resemble an abstract expressionist painting? You can apply the brakes, or suffer the breaks.

NEWS KICKERS

(None on weekends. Want a customizable version with your specific station tag, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

Gwyneth Paltrow told Stephen Colbert that her ex, Chris Martin, “is really like my brother.” ***Well that’s awkward.  Do her family members regularly sleep with their siblings?

Former Disney star Adam Hicks has been arrested for allegedly carrying out a string of armed robberies in Burbank, California. ***Suddenly former Disney star Miley Cyrus’ fall to the gutter for a while doesn’t look so bad.

Kumer has an instinct for adventure … and the foresight to know when he’d had his fun and it was time to turn himself in. Earlier this week Kumar the orangutan escaped from his enclosure at the Greenville Zoo in South Carolina. And as the Charlotte Observer reported, this wasn’t the 12-year-old primate’s first time “running away”. Nor was it his first time returning to his zoo home — and of his own accord. The Zoos Administrator said contractors had been repairing mesh panels in Kumar’s enclosure and the highly intelligent primate noticed a weak spot, made a hole and squeezed his body out. He sat on top of his enclosure looking at the crowd that had gathered below for about 10 to 15 minutes before returning to his enclosure.  ***I believe this is what Red called becoming “institutionalized”.

In New York’s East Village, there’s a bar called “Continental.” They’ve instituted a new policy: you’re not allowed to use the word, “literally.”  ***Although I can’t imagine that word literally popping up much anyway when someone is literally ordering drinks… literally.

According to a study, Idaho is home to America’s rudest drivers.  ***That sounds odd to me.  Idaho – wouldn’t it take hours driving around to even see another vehicle for you to be rude to?

Omarosa Manigault, who was fired from the White House at the tail end of last year, is set to enter the Celebrity Big Brother house. Omarosa became famous from her appearances on NBC’s The Apprentice and parlayed that fame into jobs on the Donald Trump campaign and the White House.  ***So we have a lady who got famous on a game show, used that fame to get into the White House, and then left the White House and is headed back to a game show.  If you ever doubted that politics is just a game to politicians – now you have your answer.

France is looking at new laws that would clamp down on men harassing women in the streets. If passed, men in France would be fined $435 if they follow women in the street, whistle at them, make loud comments about their appearance or ask for their phone numbers. ***In other news, it’s being estimated that France will have no more newborn babies within the next twenty years.

Things got hot at a restaurant in Georgia over a customer’s request for barbecue sauce. A man sat down for some food and asked for some barbecue sauce. He was told the restaurant had none, and then things got heated. The man began screaming obscenities and insulting the Waffle House workers, then reportedly added: “I’ll go to (expletive) jail over some barbecue sauce!” And soon, he did. ***I’m sorry, this doesn’t belong in my weird news report – I just realized this took place in a Waffle House, so this kind of thing is to be expected.  My bad.

Justin Bieber skipped the Grammy’s and is missing all the other awards shows to focus on his next album.  ***Either that or he came to realize that if he wants to improve his life, he needs to avoid events that are nothing but egotistic narcissist-fests spotlighting people of little or no moral character.

Air Force One needs new refrigerators — and they’ll cost taxpayers nearly $24 million. Experts say the cost for the two refrigerators isn’t price gouging by Boeing, which makes the jets and handles the presidential modifications, but instead the result of specialized equipment requirements put in place by the White House Military Office and the Air Force. ***Congratulations, American taxpayer – you’re paying $24-million to chill Trump Steaks!

Ingvar Kamprad, the founder of IKEA, died last weekend at the age of 91.  ***He’ll be buried as soon as someone can figure out the long and complicated directions that came with his casket and where the leftover pieces go.

A lucky lottery ticket turned out to be not so lucky for 42-year-old store clerk Crystelle Yvette Baton. Allegedly, a customer presented Baton with a lottery ticket at a Winn-Dixie Liquor store in Fort Myers, Florida, to see if it was a winner. In fact it was – a $600 winner. But Baton told the customer the ticket was a $5 winner, then secretly got $5 from her own pocket and gave it to him. She then cashed in the ticket as if it were her own. Problem is, that customer was actually an undercover agent and part of the Lottery Commission’s “integrity investigation.” When the agent returned a short time later and charged Baton with larceny grand theft; the winning ticket was found stashed between the pages in her personal notebook. Baton, whose trial is set for the end of February, posted a $5,000 bond, though she won’t be going back to work. A Winn-Dixie statement read: “The associate’s employment has been terminated.” (Miami Herald)  ***That’s right – a winning lottery ticket is only a winning lottery ticket if you are the one who bought it!

The attorney who represented Donald Trump in his two divorces has written a tell-all book and is shopping it around to publishers.  ***Hold on.  If a lawyer can’t be trusted and honest enough to follow attorney-client privilege and decides to spill it all in a book, how can we trust that anything in said book is going to be trustworthy or honest?

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

People are bombarded with pictures of their friends’ dinners on Facebook and Instagram, but users of Twitter don’t tweet much about their food and talk most about coffee. A new study shows only about 5 percent of tweets even mention food. Among the top 10 tweeted food and drink items are coffee, pizza, Starbucks, chicken and ice cream.  ***Sounds like I need to change my privacy settings on Twitter – that sounds exactly my profile.

Astronomers are puzzled by a blank spot in the universe they say is 600 million trillion miles of nothing.  ***They’ve decided to name it “Kansas.”

Did you know that statistics can actually affect your morality? Research now shows that statistics are not just reports on what is happening; they change what is happening. Behavioral economists have found that people tend to move closer to the behavior they perceive as normative, whether it’s worse or better than their current behavior.  ***Which completely explains the TidePod challenge.

A national poll indicates four in ten Americans say they are willing to give up some civil liberties to fight terrorism.  ***I say we reinstate the draft and toss those people into the army first.

Driving with your pets can be a dangerous business. -In a survey by the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety and Kurgo, a pet product company, an overwhelming 80 percent of respondents said they’ve driven with their pets on a variety of car trips including day trips, local errands and leisure trips, the pet store, dog parks and to work.   But only 17 percent said they use any form of pet restraint system when driving with their dog, causing a distraction AAA says is equal to talking on a cell phone or texting while driving.  ***Even if you’re using your Pointer as a GPS.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

(Not updated on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TUESDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

CLOSE: Tune in again next time for another episode of As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH
Gun control advocates have a new poster boy.

A 16-year-old Port Wentworth, Georgia boy was mowing his lawn when he saw a snake slithering toward his dogs, which were chained in the front yard. Worried about the pups, he ran inside and grabbed a .22-caliber pistol. While a teenager being able to run into his house and grab a pistol might send up a red flag for some parents, the kid’s troubles were only beginning. When he came back outside, he found the snake at his feet and hastily aimed and fired. Snake lovers need not worry as the reptile slithered away. Also wiggling on the ground was the kid, who shot himself in the leg.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WAYS LIFE WOULD BE GREAT IF IT WERE LIKE A COMPUTER…

10. If you messed up your life, you could press “Alt, Ctrl, Delete” and start all over!
9. To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”!
8. If you needed a break from life, click on “suspend”. Hit “any key” to continue life when ready.
7. To “add/remove” someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
6. To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
5. If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
4. When you lose your car keys, click on “find”.
3. “Help” with the chores is just a click away.
2. You wouldn’t need auto insurance. You’d use your diskette to recover from a crash.
1. We could click on “send” and the kids would go to bed immediately.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

The desire for fame is not conducive to being a successful fugitive.

FILE #1: Here’s an ego for you. Warren Lee Back was a suspect in a dozen bank robberies when he actually called a northern Kentucky police detective to make sure he watched the episode of “America’s Most Wanted” that was featuring a profile of him! Detective Mike McGuffey said, “It was kind of an odd thing. I’ve never had a fugitive call me before.” But it certainly helped. Back was caught by FBI agents in Indianapolis, less than two weeks after the call to McGuffey. It seems he was working as an off-duty security guard at a bingo parlor where ironically, he had been accused of stealing pull-tab bingo cards.

FILE #2: Police in Aloha, Oregon, found an accused mail thief in an unusual hiding spot. Washington County deputies allege that when they approached Mathew Keuscher as he sat in his car, he ran off after they noticed other people’s mail inside the vehicle. He first managed to elude the officers by hiding around various houses in a residential neighborhood until resident Jeff Elliot heard someone closing the lid on his outdoor hot tub. Police then found Mathew hiding inside and arrested him on charges ranging from mail theft to criminal trespassing.

FILE #3: According to authorities, they’re armed, dangerous and stupid. That’s also according to Australian state police investigator Jamie Williams. He says some bungling bandits couldn’t negotiate the door at a seafood restaurant in a town south of Sydney.  Williams says the sliding glass door was clearly marked “slide” but the masked robbers repeatedly kicked it. Williams feels they’re probably more dangerous than the average crook because they’re dumb. He adds the diners were enjoying their wine and desert while they watched the three stooges fumble with the door. The frustrated would-be bandits never did get in.

STRANGE LAW: In Quitman, GA, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road, regardless of why.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

This Is Your Brain On Drugs” is about people doing dumb things under the influence, but addiction is no laughing matter. If you or someone you know needs help, there’s a toll free number you can call 1-800-438-0380. That’s the Addiction Hope and Help Line at 1-800-438-0380.

A cocaine king’s ironic screw up means he’s going to jail!
It seems even the world’s worst criminals just want a decent education for their kids. Rocco Morabito was once known as the “Cocaine King of Milan!” But for the last 23 years, the 50-year-old Italian crime boss has been on the run from the law – that is until one stupid little slip up. Authorities in Uruguay say Morabito used his real name to enroll his young daughter in a local public school. That triggered a six-month investigation that ended with his arrest at a hotel in Uruguay. Morabito had apparently been living in the Punta del Este resort area since slipping into the country in 2002 using a fake Brazilian passport with the name Francisco Capeletto. He is expected to be extradited to Italy, where he has a 30-year prison sentence to serve. His wife, an Angolan national, was also arrested. Morabito was a member a crime gang which controls much of the world’s cocaine trade. His lawyer says he has been leading a “normal life” since 1994, though a search of his possessions turned up 13 mobile phones, 12 bank cards, a 9mm pistol, $50,000 in cash, and another fake passport. (Guardian) ***So, maybe not that normal of a life.

PHONER PHUN

Christina Ricci says she suffers from a number of phobias, including an irrational fear of house plants. Weird. Do you know someone with a fear just as silly or strange?

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who said, “Choose ye this day whom ye will serve … but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”
ANSWER: Joshua, in his farewell address to his people. Joshua 24:15

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What’s the number of times the average lipstick has been touched before it is bought?
ANSWER: Eight.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Even though red roses looks the same, there are over 900 different types of red roses. (True)

2. Every hour there are 8,000 Coca-Cola Company products are consumed in the world. (False – every second)

3. To make one pound of whole milk cheese, 10 pounds of whole milk is needed. (True)

4. A one ounce milk chocolate bar has 8mg of caffeine. (False – 6mg)

5. The average life span of a peasant during the medieval ages was 35 years. (False – 25 years)

6. Great White sharks have about 3,000 teeth. (True)

7. Water expands 9% when it is frozen. (True)

8. Males account for 60% of toy injuries that occur in the U.S. (True)

9. The game MONOPOLY is available in 6 languages. (False – 26 languages)

10. Leaving the water running while brushing your teeth can waste four gallons of water in a minute. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

______-EATING BATH SALTS (FLESH)

The use of street drugs known as “bath salts” are the source of an outbreak of a rare flesh-eating disease.

Numerous cases of necrotizing fasciitis caused by an intramuscular injection of bath salts are being reported across the United States.

So-called “bath salts” are sold as synthetic powders that “often contain various amphetamine-like chemicals,” according to the U.S. National Institute on Drug Abuse, which warned that injections can cause the ravaging skin condition.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”

“That doesn’t matter,” replied Judi, “if only I can sell the car.”

“Okay,” said Judi’s friend. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.”

The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, “Did you sell your car?”

“No,” replied Judi, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”

JOKE #2

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying, “Danger! Beware of Dog!” posted on the glass door.

Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

JOKE #3

A father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?”

“Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” replied the boy’s father.

His friend thought for a moment and responded, “That’s a rather strange ambition to have for a career.”

“Well,” said the boy’s father, “he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”

USELESS FACTS

Researchers have discovered that monkeys who experience increased hormonal reactions to stress while infants are more likely to consume large amounts of alcohol as they reach adulthood. They also found that male monkeys drank more than females, and those raised without adult contact drank more than those raised with their mothers.  ***They’re now doing a follow-up study to determine where the monkeys are buying the booze.

There’s such a worldwide shortage of trained butlers that a good one can now command up to $500,000 a year.  ***I wanted to find out how to become a butler, so I went to “AskJeeves.com,” but Jeeves apparently has gone out of business. I’m guessing he wasn’t managing his money correctly.

FEATURED FUNNIES

ON THE POSITIVE SIDE

  • Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
  • How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
  • Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
  • Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
  • Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
  • A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

THE WRITE STUFF?

How bad is your doctor’s handwriting?

Doctors having poor handwriting apparently is not just a stereotype. According to a survey by the Pilot Pen Company, 88 percent of Americans describe their doctor’s handwriting as “fair to poor.” The survey also shows that professional athletes have hard to read autographs — 46 percent of Americans can’t read their handwriting either. On the other hand, 62 percent say teachers have excellent handwriting and 18 percent say their clergy has nice penmanship too. ***MARLAR: So if you become sick from taking the wrong medication because your pharmacist couldn’t read your doctor’s handwriting, at least you’ll be able to read the “get well” card your pastor sends.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

HOW DO YOU COMMUNICATE LOVE?

There are times when we are timid and shy about expressing the love we feel. For fear of embarrassing the other person, or ourselves, we hesitate to say the actual words “I love you.” So we try to communicate the idea in other words. We say ‘take care’ or ‘don’t drive too fast’ or ‘be good.’ But really, these are just other ways of saying ‘I love you,’ ‘you are important to me,’ ‘I care what happens to you,’ ‘I don’t want you to get hurt.’

We are sometimes very strange people. The only thing we want to say, and the one thing that we should say, is the one thing we don’t say. And yet, because the feeling is so real, and the need to say it is so strong, we are driven to use other words and signs to say what we really mean. And many times the meaning never gets communicated at all and the other person is left feeling unloved and unwanted.

Therefore, we have to LISTEN FOR LOVE in the words that people are saying to us. Sometimes the explicit words are necessary, but more often, the manner of saying things is even more important. A joyous insult carries more affection and love within the sentiments which are expressed insincerely. An impulsive hug says I LOVE YOU even though the words might be saying very different. Any expression of a person’s concern for another says I love you. Sometimes the expression is clumsy, sometimes even cruel.  Sometimes we must look and listen very intently for the love that it contains.  But it is often there, beneath the surface.

 A mother may nag her son constantly about his grades or cleaning his room. The son may hear only the nagging, but if he listens carefully, he will hear the love underneath the nagging. His mother wants him to do well, to be successful. Her concern and love for her son unfortunately emerge in her nagging.  But it is love all the same.

A daughter comes home late, way past her curfew, and her father confronts her with angry words. The daughter may hear only the anger, but if she listens carefully, she will hear the love under the anger. “I was worried about you,” the father is saying. ‘Because I care about you and I love you. You are important to me.

We say I love you in many ways-with birthday gifts, and little notes, with smiles and sometimes with tears.  Sometimes we show our love by just keeping quiet and not saying a word, at other times by speaking out, even brusquely.  We show our love sometimes by impulsiveness.

Many times we have to show our love by forgiving someone who has not listened to the love we have tried to express. The problem is listening for love is that we don’t always understand the language of love which the other person is using.  A girl may use tears or emotions to say what she wants to say, and her boyfriend may not understand her because he expects her to be talking his language. Thus, we have to force ourselves to really listen for love.

The problem with our world is that people rarely listen to each other. They hear the words, but they don’t listen to the actions that accompany the words or the expression on the face. Or people listen only for rejection or misunderstanding.  They do not see the love that is there just beneath the surface, even if the words are angry.

We have to listen for love in those around us.  If we listen intently we will discover that we are a lot more loved than we realize. Listen for love and we will find that the world is a very loving place after all.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

TURNAROUND EXPERT

Read: Galatians 3:22-4:7

When the fullness of the time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the law. —Galatians 4:4

Members of The Turnaround Management Association are rarely asked to join successful companies. Instead, these skilled professionals are called into ailing businesses to help get them back on their feet.

The same need for dramatic change exists throughout society. People who can reverse the downward spiral in an individual’s life, a relationship, or a team are constantly in demand.

But what about changing the world? Many people would say that only God can do that. And that’s exactly what He sent His Son to do. The Bible describes humanity’s downward spiral by saying that the entire world was imprisoned by sin and “in bondage” (Galatians 3:22; 4:3).

Into that hopeless situation Jesus came “to redeem those who were under the law, that we might receive the adoption as sons” (4:5). The personal turnaround for us begins when we accept God’s offer of eternal life in Christ and receive His Spirit into our hearts (v.6). Rather than simply being given a new set of rules and sent off on our own, we are adopted into God’s family.

Jesus Christ is the ultimate turnaround expert. He specializes in impossible cases. Will you invite Him into your life today? —David McCasland

The Lord will turn your life around
If you’ll invite Him in;
Then you’ll at once be heaven-bound,
No longer chained by sin. —Hess

When we choose to follow Jesus, our whole life changes direction.

LEFTOVERS

We’ve all taken sick days at work, but how about a lovesick day?

A Japanese marketing company is letting employees take time off if they get dumped by a significant other. The six woman staff of Tokyo’s Hime & Company are allowed a number of lovesick days per year depending on their age. Women under 24-years-old can take one day off per year, while those between 25 and 29 can take two days off and the 30 and older crowd can take three days off. The company CEO says that’s because women in their 20’s can find their next love quickly, but it’s tougher for women in their 30’s, and their break-ups tend to be more serious. The company also gives the ladies two mornings off twice a year for shopping so they can race to stores to hunt for bargains.

LIFE… LIVE IT

Woman’s Day asked: “What do you want most this Valentine’s Day?”

  1. 56% said a love letter

  2. 20% said diamond earrings

  3. 13% said red roses

  4. 11% said a box of chocolates

JUST FOR FUN

E=MC3 JUST SOUNDS BETTER

How reliable are your kids’ school textbooks?

A new study of the dozen most-used science textbooks in use at U.S. middle schools finds they are so riddled with errors that none of them are acceptable. The books are used by about 85 percent of the U.S. school population and include so many errors, that it took 500 pages to list them all in the study. Obvious errors in these science textbooks include a map showing the equator passing though the U.S., impossible diagrams of what prisms do to light, and a photo of singer Linda Ronstadt labeled as a silicon crystal. According to the president of the American Association of Physics Teachers, “These are basic errors. It’s stuff that anyone who had taken a science class would be able to catch.” ***MARLAR: Unless they used one of these books in science class.

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE SIGNS A CO-WORKER IS ONE OF YOUR CLONES

  • Always brings an identical lunch.

  • People keep punching you for telling them off, and you didn’t do it.

  • Boss hopes you enjoy your raise, and you didn’t get one.

  • The other day you were late and early to the same meeting.

  • I mean really, that is one attractive co-worker!

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

Here’s something that’s sure to make optimists feel even rosier, happy people live longer.

…That’s the conclusion of a review encompassing more than 30 studies about how attitude can affect health. In general, says study author Ruut Veenhoven, a professor at Holland’s Erasmus University, happiness affects longevity to the same degree not smoking might, adding 7 and a half to 10 years to a person’s lifespan. “Happiness does not heal, but it protect against falling ill,” concludes Veenhoven. Happy people defined as those who appreciate their life as a whole were more likely to watch their weight, smoke and drink less and be more active, self confident and social than their unhappy counterparts.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A survey of 1,200 people found that almost half of us clean the shower while cleaning ourselves. While the multitasking is impressive, this could actually be a health hazard. Common chemicals like bleach and ammonia can irritate or burn your skin like if they run down to your toes and can be especially abrasive if they get near sensitive areas, says Sharon Horesh Bergquist, M.D., an assistant professor of internal medicine at Emory University. If you just can’t help yourself, use a natural solution like Honest Bathroom Cleaner that doesn’t contain the caustic chemicals. But still , even a gentle cleanser can vex sensitive areas. (Women’s Health)

If you catch a craving for burger and fries, McDonald’s is always a short drive away. But to ensure you get a fresh meal every time, you might need to take one extra step. Kamran Adnan, who says he worked for the fast food chain for one year, claims the staff gives extra perks to customers who ask for a receipt. Doing so will practically guarantee you’re served the freshest food, he wrote in a Quora post. According to Adnan, McDonald’s employees are trained to watch out for people who are paid to visit McDonald’s restaurants and rate their experience. These undercover diners are typically reimbursed for their purchase, so they will ask for a receipt.
http://www.msn.com/en-us/foodanddrink/casual/why-you-should-always-ask-for-a-receipt-at-mcdonald-s/ar-AAv5hsm?ocid=ob-tw-enus-595

If you live in the western part of North America, Alaska, and the Hawaiian islands, you might set your alarm early the morning of Wednesday, Jan. 31 for a lunar trifecta: a pre-dawn “super blue blood moon.” The Jan. 31 full moon is special for three reasons: it’s the third in a series of “supermoons,” when the Moon is closer to Earth in its orbit and about 14 percent brighter than usual. It’s also the second full moon of the month, commonly known as a “blue moon.” The super blue moon will pass through Earth’s shadow to give viewers in the right location a total lunar eclipse. While the Moon is in the Earth’s shadow it will take on a reddish tint, known as a “blood moon.”
http://go.nasa.gov/2Fl0tpv

One woman will build an exact Lego replica of your home. Shari Austrian, founder of Little Brick Lane, will build a cute clone of your exact dwelling, both interior and exterior, entirely out of LEGO bricks. Customers submit architectural plans and photographs and she transforms them into scale models, complete with all the comforts of home, from front yards with gardens and walkways to intricately tiled floors and kitchen cabinets. The price is $1.25 per square foot. So, for example, a 3,000-square-foot domicile would cost $3,750.
http://on.today.com/2rNEt4U

It was a traffic stop that took an unexpected turn. “In my head, I was thinking, ‘Really, I don’t need a ticket right now,'” said Francisco Torres of Wichita, Kansas. But Torres didn’t receive a ticket on Monday. Instead, he received a life-changing announcement from Officer Steve Jerrell, a longtime friend, and it was captured on video by his wife. “She’s given me the privilege to let you know you’re going to be a daddy,” said Jerrell, who handed Torres a gift box that contained a onesie.
http://abcn.ws/2E6zfDK

SOUL-GLO

(Feel-good stories! Only posted as new stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

A kind gesture from strangers helped a single mother in a big way. Rachel Richardson was at the Aldi store off I-40 in Yukon, trying to buy groceries to feed her children when her card didn’t work. The former teacher and single mother has two adopted children with special needs who need around-the-clock care. Richardson was about to leave when two clerks stepped in to pay her $35 grocery bill.
https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/good-news/single-mother-grateful-after-yukon-aldi-store-clerks-pay-for-her-groceries/ar-BBHU4Vu

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Only posted as stories come available. Not posted on weekends and U.S. holidays.)

It seemed like a simple high-five at lunch, but now a 14-year-old Butler Intermediate High School student is facing felony charges. Police in western Pennsylvania say the 14-year-old slapped the hand of her classmate, exposing her to pineapple in the process. The classmate is severely allergic to pineapple – so much so that the school cafeteria doesn’t serve it. The child had to be rushed to the hospital after being given an epinephrine pen. Fortunately she was treated and released the same day. But police say the high-fiver brought the pineapple from home and intentionally rubbed it on her hands. She’s now facing aggravated assault, criminal conspiracy, and other charges in juvenile court, while two of her friends, ages 13 and 14, were charged with criminal conspiracy, reckless endangerment, and disorderly conduct. Lt. Matthew Pearson of the Butler Township Police Department said, “The main defendant put some on her hand. They conjured up a game, a plan to expose her through high-fiving her. They sat at the lunch table right next to her and talked about doing it. Some had reservations, but they went through with it.” A fellow classmate apparently alerted the victim to what happened, and she immediately went to the nurse. The students were also subject to an unspecified disciplinary action from the school. (Butler Eagle)

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“I got an ‘A’ in philosophy because I proved my professor didn’t exist.” – Judy Tenuta

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JANUARY 26, 2018…

Please Stand By—Dakota Fanning, who is also in TV now in “The Alienist,“ stars in this comedy/drama film about a young woman with autism who is also a writer. She decides to sneak away from her caregiver and enter a “Star Trek” writing contest. What an interesting premise for a film. Also in the cast are Toni Collette and Marla Gibbs. “Please Stand By” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

The Competition (opening in select cities)—Not much information given to the press about this film, which is a comedy/romance and stars Thora Birch, Clare Coffee and Chris Klein. Rated PG 13. No rating.

The Clapper—Now here is an occupation, that of being a professional clapper for television infomercial shows. Does this require talent? What do you think? It is a comedy and stars Ed Helms, Adam Levine, Tracy Morgan, Amanda Seyfreid and the late Alan Thicke.. The premise is what happens to this individual when fame comes their way. Can they handle it? “The Clapper” is rated PG 13. No rating.

FEBRUARY 02, 2018…

Winchester stars Helen Mirren as a woman believed haunted by these rifles.

Scorched Earth is a science fiction film set in a post-apocalyptic world. Stars John Hannah.

# # # # #

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Productions, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.