1. Jesus pencil toppers
So many writers hope that their work will be divinely inspired. So could this pack of rubber Jesus pencil tops be the answer? Almost certainly not. Thankfully though, this Jesus doesn’t also function as an eraser; otherwise you might over time wear away the top of his head on your mistakes, which seems like a somewhat imperfect metaphor. Now if someone could invent a self-restoring Jesus eraser…
2. Jesus flashlight
“I am the light of the world,” said Jesus, and now you can prove it to your friends during camping trips and power cuts. This handy keyring is an unassuming religious statuette by day, but by night he will literally become “a lamp unto my feet.”
3. Jesus shoes
There is an extraordinary array of Jesus-inspired footwear on the market, to the extent that I could have easily made a separate list (and don’t think that I won’t). The high-fashion versions feature colourful replicas of classic messianic paintings, but my favourites are these charming, sub-Converse pink wonders, which both declare the wearer’s Passion for the Christ, and feature a small passport photo of the Man Himself. Not only do they have a charming home-made feel, but their unorthodox colourings enable you to go full religious weirdo while retaining a bit of kooky hipster charm. Not an easy fashion statement, that.
4. Jesus ashtray
This might seem irreverent, but presumably not wishing to displease a grieving messiah could work as a strong deterrent for some. This ashtray is designed to help smokers access holy help in their quest to kick the habit, and while the statement ‘Jesus Hates it When You Smoke’ is a little theologically questionable, it’s true that when we reach the Pearly Gates, it’s unlikely that St Peter will offer us a Marlboro Light. The choice of image, complete with crown of thorns and look of desperation, is a bit heavy-handed, but perhaps that works when you’re motivated by guilt.
5. Jesus adhesive bandages
The immediate question has got to be: are these the fastest-healing bandages on the market? If they don’t have extra-medicinal properties, then they’re just a really expensive tin of Andy Warhol inspired plasters. At least they promise a “Free Prize Inside”, and since they don’t make Jesus Breakfast Cereal (yet), that’s at least a unique selling point.
No further comment needed.
7. Jesus Zippo
Not content with being the Light of the World, he’s now also the lighter! Eternally cool cigarette-lighter manufacturer Zippo have taken a foray into the lucrative Christian market with this fish-branded offering, which enables the owner to start evangelistic conversations outside well-lit bars and restaurants. This product does of course bring itself into direct conflict with item #4, unless you only plan to use it during the slower parts of a Stryper concert.
8. Cuddly Jesus
Do you struggle with strange, abstract statements like ‘I love you Jesus’? Then this charming cuddly Jesus doll might be for you. Part of a range of plush ‘little thinkers’ (also available: Albert Einstein, Socrates and Sigmund Freud), this toy version of the Messiah can become your tangible depiction of God’s unconditional love, your bedtime buddy AND a helpful reminder for evening prayer. Also a great way to start the child indoctrination process from an even earlier age.
9. JESUS TOASTER!
Apologies for the excitable capitals, but for me this is the one truly exciting item on the list. Thanks to a cleverly-arranged grilling element, this product ensures that every slice of your favourite morning staple features the glorious visage of God’s Only Son. Imagine the possibilities for church breakfast events, not to mention the potential for great puns. Bread of heaven, feed me now and evermore? Now with this amazing toaster, it really can!
10. Jesus money box
Talking of great puns, this messianic money box is worth the money just for the repeated comedy value of seeing the words ‘Jesus saves’ printed on the base. And while this is certainly intended as an irreverent reclamation of the actual meaning of those words, you can redeem the whole thing by using it to save up for mission activities. Or at least, for all the other products on this list…
There are just ten examples of the sort of extraordinary; If there isn’t a follow-up to this I’ll eat my Jesus is my Coach ornament…
Martin Saunders is a Contributing Editor for Christian Today and the Deputy CEO of Youthscape. You can follow him on Twitter: @martinsaunders