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***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS
***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE
PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150702
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW)! We’re here to have fun–although some restrictions may apply.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. … She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her. — Proverbs 31:1,27,28
The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. — 2 Peter 3:9
HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT
And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away. — 1 Peter 5:4
Thought: What a wonderful blessing it is to be led by godly, loving shepherds. But as much as we love them and show them respect, they will receive even greater appreciation in heaven!
Prayer: O glorious God, please bless every faithful and concerned leader in your Church with a clear sense of your blessing and appreciation. Please use me to show this love to your faithful servants as well. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Proverbs 7:2 NIV
Keep my commands and you will live; guard my teachings as the apple of your eye.
TODAY IS THURSDAY – JULY 02, 2015
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 177 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is NATIONAL BAKED BANANAS DAY.
Today is BE NICE TO PEOPLE YOU DON’T LIKE DAY. ***MARLAR: The Christian version of that would be Exodus 23:4-5, “Be kind to your enemies; do good to those who hate you.”
Today is VIOLIN LOVERS DAY. ***MARLAR: I’m not one. In fact, I think nobody should ever play the violin until such a time as they are a virtuoso.
Today is HALFWAY DAY. At noon today, this year will be half gone.
Today is NATIONAL TRY TO FIND YOUR SLINKY DAY.
Today is I FORGOT DAY, a day to make up for all the birthdays, anniversaries, and graduations you forgot during the first half of the year.
TODAY IS I FORGOT DAY
Do you have problems remembering things? Today is “I Forgot Day” – so we have some tips on how to improve your memory!
I Forgot Day — You can have a steel-trap memory regardless of your age. All you have to do is remember to follow these 10 can’t-fail tips from doctors psychologists and other leading experts.
- Talk to yourself. Barbara Van Dyne, who’s been teaching memory classes for 28 years, recommends thinking aloud. For example, if you want to make sure you don’t leave the stove burning when you’re going out, say: “I’m going into the kitchen to turn off the stove. The stove is off.
- Laugh. Van Dyne, Harry Lorayne and other memory experts say we retain information longer if we associate it with something funny. If you must remember a dignified man’s name is John, you might picture him seated on a toilet.
- Sing. You don’t have to be Pavarotti. But singing or playing a musical instrument builds pathways in the brain and keeps the memory supple.
- Breathe deeply, Noted health guru Dr. Andrew Weil and others say memory is loss is often associated with stress. Taking a few moments each day to breathe deeply will relax you and enhance your powers of retention.
- Take ginkgo biloba. This amazing herb has been shown to be an effective memory booster in countless studies worldwide.
- Move while you learn. Doing something physical anchors information. So take a step, raise your arms or kick your legs when you put something new into your mind.
- Visualize. Take time to form a mental picture of the things you want to remember. Our brains think in pictures, Van Dyne says.
- Walk. Regular aerobic exercise improves circulation, getting blood to the brain. Don’t worry, you don’t have to run marathons, just a gentle stroll four or five times a week will do the trick.
- Sleep. Doctors advise at least eight hours of sleep a night to keep not only memory but all mental functions sharp.
- Make sure you do something every day to make your life more enjoyable. Dancing, shopping, and watching a favorite TV show all can boost your memory if you like doing them.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Made In The USA Day
World UFO Day
COMING UP NEXT
FRIDAY, JULY 03
Compliment Your Mirror Day
Stay Out Of The Sun Day
SATURDAY, JULY 04
Boom Box Parade Day
Independence Day (USA)
Independence From Meat Day
Hop a Park Day
International Day of Cooperatives
SUNDAY, JULY 05
MONDAY, JULY 06
Earth at Aphelion
International Kissing Day (World Kissing Day)
Take Your Webmaster to Lunch Day
TUESDAY, JULY 07
Father-Daughter Take a Walk Together Day
Tell The Truth Day
WEDNESDAY, JULY 08
Math 2.0 Day
SCUD Day (Savor the Comic, Unplug the Drama)
THURSDAY, JULY 09
Martyrdom of the Bab
ON THIS DAY
1916: Ken Curtis was born in Lamar, Colorado. He sang with the Tommy Dorsey band and the Sons of the Pioneers, but was probably best known as Festus Haggen on “Gunsmoke.” He died at age 74 in 1991. (
1932: James Gamble died in Cincinnati. As a partner in Procter & Gamble, he developed Ivory, the first floating soap.
1955: ABC Television premiered “The Lawrence Welk Show,” featuring a 24-piece band and “Champagne Lady” Alice Lon. The show lasted 27 years. (
1956: At a studio in Manhattan, Elvis Presley recorded “Don’t Be Cruel” and “(You Ain’t Nothin’ But A) Hound Dog.”
1969: Consumer crusader Ralph Nader warned that loud rock music threatened to create a generation of hearing-impaired people.
1970: Lyman Dickinson in Albany, New York, rolled a 299, the highest score ever by a bowler on two artificial legs.
1982: Larry Walters flew a lawn chair to 16,000 feet over San Pedro, California. He had tied 42 helium-filled weather balloons to the chair. He even made it back down safely.
1985: General Motors announced it was installing electronic road maps as an option on some of its higher priced cars. The system used a dashboard computer and maps stored on cassette tapes. Almost nobody was interested.
1988: Rick Krause became the world champion cherry pit spitter in Eau Claire, Michigan, with a record spit of 72 feet 7.5 inches.
1992: The one-millionth Chevrolet Corvette rolled off the assembly line.
2001: Robert Tools received the world’s first self-contained artificial heart in Louisville, Kentucky. He lived 151 days with the device.
2002: American adventurer Steve Fossett became the first person to fly a balloon solo around the world as he returned to western Australia.
2003: Vancouver was awarded the 2010 Winter Olympics.
2004: Legendary film and stage actor Marlon Brando died in Los Angeles at age 80.
2006: Tata, believed to be the world’s oldest crow, died in Bearsville, New York, at age 59. Tata was injured when a storm blew him out of his nest in 1947. Never able to fly, Tata was blinded by cataracts the last five years, but his owner said he was a “good pet and an incredible old bird.” In the wild, the oldest crows live to be only 29 or 30 years old.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1489: English reformer Thomas Cranmer is born at Aslockton, Nottinghamshire. The archbishop of Canterbury wrote the Book of Common Prayer and was burned at the stake in 1556.
1505: A rain storm in Germany helps launch the Protestant Reformation. While returning from a trip to visit his parents, Martin Luther (then a law student) was caught in a violent thunderstorm near Stotternheim. Fearing for his life, he cried, “Help me, St. Anne! I will become a monk!” Within two weeks, he made good on his promise.
1752: The first English Bible published in America rolls off presses in Boston.
1865: British preacher William Booth formed the Christian Mission, later renamed the Salvation Army, in London. Determined to assail poverty and religious indifference with the efficiency of a military organization, Booth modeled his group after the British army, labeling ministers “officers” and new members “recruits.” The Salvation Army’s officers are ordained ministers who have vowed to serve the Army for life. The Army has units in over 80 countries.
1946: The Religion Analysis Service begins this day and informs believers about cults and -isms.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actress (I Know Who Killed Me, Herbie Fully Loaded, Mean Girls) Lindsay Lohan 29
- actress (“As the World Turns”, “Witchblade”, “Brooklyn South”) Yancy Butler 45 (
- baseball’s José Canseco 52
- actor (“California Fever”, “The Fitzpatricks”) Jimmy McNichol 54
- model Jerry Hall 59
- actress (“Alice”, “Flo”) Polly Holliday 78 (
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1714 : Christoph Willibald Gluck
1936 : Tom Springfield (The Springfields)
1939 : Paul Williams (The Temptations)
1942 : Leapy Lee
1949 : Roy “The Professor” Brittan (E Street Band)
1952 : Johnny Colla (Huey Lewis and the News)
1954 : Pete Briquette (The Boomtown Rats)
1965 : Dave Parsons (Bush)
1970 : Monie Love
1983 : Michelle Branch
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
What ever happened to phone booths?
Very good question. After all, how can we expect Superman to save us if he doesn’t have anywhere to go to change into his long underwear? Now, steel-plated, wall or pole-mounted phones have replaced booths. One reason for this is that people were starting to use the phone booths to answer the call of nature. Yup… what you’re thinking is what they used them for. Disgusting, huh? Can you imagine someone so unintelligent that they could not distinguish a telephone booth from a restroom? Phone booths also occupied valuable space. And in today’s world, everything has to justify its existence in the bottom line. If you’re taking up that much space, you’d better make that much more money. Of course, with cell phones, very few people even need to look for a phone… of course, that doesn’t help our Man of Steel either, does it? I guess Clark Kent will have to settle for the nearest men’s room in order to change… the disgrace of it all!
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!
Colton Dixon was feeling a lot of discomfort after a recent concert. It seems that he feet had been attacked by chiggers. Colton shared a picture of his feet literally covered in red blotches.
Casting Crowns’ Juan DeVevo says he has figured out why students are so passionate on the last day of camp. Juan tweeted: That’s how long it takes me to get all the lyrics on the screen right.
Mercyme’s Mike Scheuchzer was in the studio doing background vocals all by himself this week. Mike posted on twitter: Also known as “humble thyself in the sight of the producers”.
Tenth Avenue North guitarist Ruben Juarez is not a big fan of Ruben jokes. He tweeted: making lame “Ruben” jokes about the sandwich or singer may get you a smile on the outside but on the inside I’m really doing this…his post was followed by an annoyed face, frowning face, and another annoyed face.
Third Day’s Mac Powell is home with his two youngest children this week while his wife and older children are out of town. Mac tweeted: Mama and the big kids are gone, so….of course…..we’re eating cheeseburgers for breakfast. Mac added: With mama and the older kids gone this week we are going to have many adventures! Stay tuned!
Jamie Grace was honored for her songs Beautiful Day and Do Life Big. She tweeted: apparently Beautiful Day and Do Life Big both went #1 on radio. Jamie said she was a little giddy when she was presented with plaques honoring the accomplishment.
Plumb is asking all of her social media followers to serve as accountability partners. She recently announced: I’m joining a group on Wednesdays for eight weeks starting July 15 called “Wellness Wednesday’s”. Plumb says the goal is to, as a group, learn how to set and achieve goals to be healthier in a completely natural and faithful way. That’s where you come in. Plumb says she plans to share all her experiences, progress, and set backs online as a way to encourage and share what she learns, hoping maybe it helps some of you as well. Every Wednesday for 8 weeks starting July 15 she says she will post a report.
***Embargoed until announced by the band on social media. Should happen sometime, July 1, but check their social media first before announcing! ********** Sanctus Real announced that Matt Hammitt, their lead singer and co-founder, will be leaving the band at the end of the year. In the announcement members of the band said Matt is leaving to pursue other avenues that the Lord is leading him in. They added: as a band, we support him in this decision and we look forward to seeing how God will continue to use Matt for His glory. The remaining members of Sanctus Real say: we will be continuing on as a band. We are writing new songs together and praying about what the future holds for the next season of the band. We will be releasing a brand new single with Matt at the end of July, and a greatest hits record will come out in October. Sanctus Real also announced plans to honor Matt with a final tour this fall. Matt’s farewell tour with the band will begin on October 8 and run through November 15.
A milestone today for Danny Gokey. He tweeted: Getting my braces off for the 3rd time in my life. Danny says: Moral of the story: Wear your retainers!!
Question of the day from Shane & Shane: The end of June marked the halfway point of the year. Are there any New Year’s Resolutions you’re still keeping?
WEIRD & WACKY
|Grenade-shaped perfume bottle leads to courthouse evacuation photo
CINCINNATI (AP) — A suspicious item that prompted a Cincinnati courthouse evacuation turned out to be a perfume bottle shaped like a World War II grenade. Hamilton County Sheriff Jim Neil told reporters that the bottle was shaped like a “pineapple” hand grenade and was in a woman’s suitcase….
|Man jailed for not paying $749 fare for 300-mile cab ride
UNIONTOWN, Pa. (AP) — Police say a man who took a 300-mile cab ride across Pennsylvania to surprise his fiancee has been jailed because he couldn’t pay the $749 fare. Police say 35-year-old New York City resident John Williams Jr. took the taxi from Philadelphia to Uniontown with his children…
|For sale: Former prison with mountain view, sleeps hundreds
MOREAU, N.Y. (AP) — For sale: A 325-acre New York property containing more than 100 structures atop a mountain offering spectacular views. Sleeps hundreds. And one more thing: It’s a former prison. The economic development office says July 7 is the deadline to submit bids to turn the prison…
|Pennsylvania track to start races earlier to avoid deer
ERIE, Pa. (AP) — Deer, not deuces, are wild at Presque Isle Downs and Casino, and the racetrack is making changes to get its horses back in the starting gate. Officials plan to resume racing on Wednesday after canceling some races Sunday and all the races Monday and Tuesday because deer were…
|4th set of triplets delivered at California hospital
FRESNO, Calif. (AP) — Doctors at a Central California hospital have delivered a fourth set of triplets in the last four weeks. HASH(0x13e2af0) The newspaper reported that hospital officials confirmed the latest births, but the family didn’t give permission to release any other details. One…
|Maine woman pleads guilty to stealing wreaths from cemetery
ALFRED, Maine (AP) — A Maine woman has pleaded guilty to stealing Christmas wreaths and arrangements from grave sites in a Saco cemetery to decorate her own properties during the holidays. Saco police announced that 56-year-old Pamela Golarz, of Old Orchard Beach, was fined $950 after…
|Man forgets glasses, mistakenly buys winning lottery ticket
FAIRFIELD, Conn. (AP) — A man in southwestern Connecticut who mistakenly bought the wrong lottery ticket is $30,000 wealthier. Bob Sabo, of Easton, says he didn’t want to wait in line to buy a lottery ticket at the Super Stop & Shop in Fairfield, so he decided to buy a ticket from a lottery…
|Police: Man in stolen car gets lost, runs out of gas
PLAINFIELD, Pa. (AP) — Police say a New York City man driving a stolen car took the wrong road and ended up lost and without gas in Pennsylvania. State police say 26-year-old Cristian Osorio left Queens early Friday and was headed to Syracuse, New York. State police tell The Morning Call…
|Bees swarm from truck crash near Washington-Idaho border
COEUR D’ALENE, Idaho (AP) — Authorities say bees are swarming near the Washington-Idaho border after a tractor-trailer full of the buzzing insects tipped over, spilling its load on Sunday. One eastbound lane of Interstate 90 was closed by the accident near Coeur d’Alene HASH(0x13d2c40) A…
|Black bear crashes college party, gets collared
BETHLEHEM, Pa. (AP) — A college party got a little wild when a black bear showed up. The black bear, weighing between 300 and 400 pounds, crashed the party early Saturday near the campus of Lehigh University. Emergency officials received a flood of 911 calls after the bear was spotted around…
HEALTH & FITNESS
|Obama aims to change conversation around health care law
WASHINGTON (AP) — President Barack Obama is aiming to use the momentum from a recent Supreme Court victory for his health care law to change the conversation from talk about undoing his signature domestic achievement to talk about how to improve it. Obama was headed to the Nashville,…
|Report urges major steps to help victims of cardiac arrest
WASHINGTON (AP) — Would you know what to do if you see someone collapse, not breathing — a loved one at home, a co-worker at the office, a stranger on the street? Far too many Americans die of cardiac arrest, and now a major new report urges a national campaign to improve survival in…
|OxyContin maker bows out of meeting on harder-to-abuse drug
WASHINGTON (AP) — The makers of the potent painkiller OxyContin have pulled out of a federal meeting to review the company’s harder-to-abuse version of the much-debated drug. An executive for Purdue Pharma says the company wants more time to review and analyze its data. As a result, the…
|O say can you breathe? Fireworks pollute air, study says photo
NEW YORK (AP) — July Fourth fireworks fill the skies across the nation with more than sparkling bursts of color. They spew pollution, too. A study of 315 locations around the country found that the holiday explosions temporarily boosted the levels of airborne microscopic particles that can…
|What’s next for California’s contentious vaccine law photo
SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — Gov. Jerry Brown has signed a hotly contested California bill to impose one of the strictest school vaccination laws in the country in the wake of an outbreak of measles at Disneyland late last year. The following is a look at what the new law signed Tuesday means…
|Ex-Iowa egg farm manager gets probation after assisting feds
SIOUX CITY, Iowa (AP) — A former Iowa egg farm manager will avoid jail time after cooperating with investigators in a criminal prosecution stemming from a 2010 salmonella outbreak. U.S. District Judge Mark Bennett sentenced Tony Wasmund to four years of probation Tuesday after the government…
|Drug and device firms paid $6.5B to care providers
WASHINGTON (AP) — From research dollars to free lunches and junkets, drug and medical device companies paid doctors and leading hospitals nearly $6.5 billion last year, according to government data posted Tuesday. The latest update to the Open Payments database is part of an ongoing effort to…
|Coal industry scores a win but fate of plants still in air photo
BILLINGS, Mont. (AP) — Coal companies and their supporters scored a courtroom victory with a U.S. Supreme Court decision that said the Obama administration failed to take potential costs into account when it decided to regulate toxic emissions from many power plants. But officials from New…
|Chobani selected as Greek yogurt provider for school lunches photo
BOISE, Idaho (AP) — Public schools across America will soon offer Greek yogurt as a meat substitute in school lunches beginning this fall. Chobani, a manufacturer of Greek yogurt, officials announced Monday it had been selected by the U.S. Department of Agriculture to supply the yogurt as…
|A first: New guidelines back device for treating strokes photo
Many stroke patients have a new treatment option — if they seek help fast enough to get it. New guidelines endorse using a removable stent to open clogged arteries causing a stroke. The guidelines, issued Monday by the American Heart Association, are the first time the group has recommended a…
|What’s next for California’s contentious vaccine law photo
SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — Gov. Jerry Brown on Tuesday signed a hotly contested California bill to impose one of the strictest school vaccination laws in the country in the wake of an outbreak of measles at Disneyland late last year. The following is a look at what the new law means for the…
(None on the weekends)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Greece has formally defaulted on a $1.7 billion payment to the International Monetary Fund, thereby becoming the first developed country to default to the IMF. *** You defaulted against the IMF? Doesn’t that tick off Ethan Hunt and Luther Stickell?
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie announced Tuesday that he’s running for president. *** It might be easier at this point for someone to just send out a list of Republicans who aren’t running.
With no broadcast home in place, the 2015 Miss USA pageant will be made available to stream online July 12 on Miss USA’s official website. *** And nobody cares.
At a fundraiser, President Obama predicted the oceans would rise 4 feet “within our children’s lifetimes”. *** Then again, this is the same president who promised a $2,500 savings with nationalized health care, so I wouldn’t worry about.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
Shoebuy.com has confirmed in a nationwide survey that women really do love their shoes. 20% admit they’re more aroused by new shoes than by their significant others. *** Do you, Sally, take Manolo Blahnik, to be your lawfully wedded footwear?
It’s rush hour in Philadelphia for thousands of baby toads as they hop across a busy residential street on a rainy summer night. Why do toadlets cross the road? To get to the woods on the other side — where they will live, eat mosquitoes and grow up to be full-sized American toads (bufo Americanus). After a couple of years, they’ll make the reverse trek as adults — unless they get squashed by a car. That’s where the Toad Detour comes in. The Schuylkill Center for Environmental Education sets up a roadblock each year at this time in the Roxborough neighborhood, rerouting cars so the amphibians can cross the two-lane street without fear of, um, croaking. *** Although, this kinda stinks – because how often do you get the chance to play a life-sized game of Frogger? And you get to be the car!
A recent report shows that about half of American 17-year-olds can’t identify the books and historic events that have always been basic cultural touchstones. 48 percent didn’t know what “1984” was about, 49 percent didn’t know that Joseph McCarthy was crusading against communism, and only 43 percent could place the Civil War as being fought between 1850 and 1900. A spokesman said it shows schools are concentrating so much on teaching math and reading, kids aren’t learning the basic history, literature and humanities required to maintain a common culture. *** If we’re spending so much time teaching them reading, how come they’ve apparently never read anything? How about we just teach them how to read by using history books? Problem solved!
A government study suggests a lot of teenage girls are clueless about their chances of getting pregnant. In a survey of thousands of teenage mothers who had unintended pregnancies, about a third who didn’t use birth control said the reason was they didn’t believe they could pregnant. Why they thought that isn’t clear. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention survey didn’t ask teens to explain. But other researchers have talked to teen moms who believed they couldn’t get pregnant the first time they had sex, didn’t think they could get pregnant at that time of the month or thought they were sterile. ***MARLAR: It’s ironic that the government is forcing many teens to attend Sex Ed classes, and the one thing they’re not learning is how sex works.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “George Washington I.D.”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Jeff Allen, “Airline Drinks, Belts, and Windows”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THURSDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, a small badger sold fancy shoes to all of the jungle animals (and me), promising each of us that we’d be the envy of all of our friends. We weren’t. So we all went out and bought fancier shoes without the others knowing – so again, none of us were the envy of the jungle. Now Millard is trying to buy fancier shoes yet…
CLOSE: I am never going to complain that my wife buys too many shoes ever again. These things don’t even match my checkerboard socks. That’s it… I’m done. Sounds like the jungle animals are too. We’re all broke, and we all have…well let’s face it, ridiculous looking shoes. Just wait until Millard finds out. And he will… next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JULY 4/5, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffleson had voiced his disgust over having to work so much – he was tired of it and didn’t want to work anymore. Now he’s on Razzleflabbin Island, and his friends Karl and Olaf are showing him their new weekly calendar clock-tower…
CLOSE: Every day could be Saturday… we all wish that from time to time, don’t we? But would it really be a good thing? Tune in next time to find out – As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
You ever notice how some people just don’t seem to think things through? 29-year-old Antonio Hernandez of Salt Lake City is one of those people.
He pleaded guilty to hijacking a Greyhound bus that had just left Green River, Utah, intending to use it to smash into his estranged wife’s trailer home. Fortunately for everyone involved, he was stopped by police at the hijack scene. But if he hadn’t been caught there, chances are they would have caught him soon enough. To carry out his scheme he would still have had to drive the bus all the way to the Lexington, Nebraska — 500 miles away — to get to his wife’s trailer.
TOP TEN INDICATORS YOU ARE GROWING OLDER
- Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
- The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
- Your little black book contains only names ending in MD.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
- You need glasses to find your glasses.
- You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
- You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
- Your knees buckle, but your belt won’t.
- You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there.
- YOU WONDER WHY MORE PEOPLE DON’T USE GIANT SIZE PRINT.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
An escaped convict has turned himself in… over 30 years after he escaped!
FILE #1: A man who escaped imprisonment over 30 years ago has turned himself in. 50 year old Allan Richardson of Rochester, New York was arrested in 1971 on drug charges and fled to Canada but has since returned to pay his debt to society. He has pled “leniency” and told the court that he was sorry for being a foolish young man and decided to surrender to make peace. The judge said he had no choice but sentence him to 4 years in prison, which was his original sentence… which would’ve been over and done with and he would’ve been a free man in 1975!
FILE #2: It’s probably happened to you before. You’re driving down the road — maybe a little faster than the speed limit — when you spot a police car and slow down. A closer look, though, reveals that the cop car is empty. Just another way the police get drivers to slow down. In the UK police have tried other methods, including using cardboard cut-out police officers. Their latest effort involves using fake sheep on the side of the road. Police in Cumbria, northern UK have placed a stuffed sheep by the roadside. The idea is that motorists will slow down when they see the sheep, as it looks like it is just about to step across the road.
FILE #3: Andrew Wilson of Longview, Texas, bought some clothing at a Dillard’s department store using a stolen check. He probably would’ve gotten away with the $154 worth of stolen goods, but he just wasn’t totally pleased with his “purchases”. So the next day he went back to the store and attempted to return some of the stolen shirts! An alert salesperson notified the police and Wilson was quickly arrested. And where he’s going, he’ll likely just wear the same uniform everyday for awhile.
STRANGE LAW: In Glendale, Arizona, it is illegal to drive a car in reverse.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Friends don’t let friends drive stupid.
Two men in Santa Clara California, driving drunk, one with a suspended license, both who desperately needed to use the men’s room, followed a Department of Correction’s bus all the way through the gates of a jail. Turns out they thought they were following a Greyhound bus and figuring they’d find the men’s room at the bus depot – at least according to the Department of Corrections driver who made sure to close the gate quickly behind him.
Worst vacation nightmare stories… tell us about your most miserable vacation experience!
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Between what two books of the bible can you find the book of Josiah?
ANSWER: Nowhere – there is no such book!
QUESTION: Sumerians (from 5000 BC) thought that what body part made blood?
ANSWER: The liver. They also thought that the heart was the center of thought.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- Americans on average eat 180 acres of pizza every day. (False – 18 acres)
- Delivery times for Dominoes pizza in Hong Kong is primarily influenced by elevator traffic. (True. Due to a high level of congestion, most of a pizza delivery man’s time is spent waiting for and riding elevators.)
- About 25 percent of all the energy consumed in the US is from petroleum. (False – natural gas.)
- One barrel of petroleum holds 50 gallons. (False – 42 gallons)
- It takes seven years for a lobster to grow 1 pound. (True)
- The longest recorded life span of a camel was 35 years, 5 months. (True)
- Beaver Cleaver graduated in 1953. (True)
- Pogonophobia is the fear of pogo-sticks. (False – beards.)
- 96% of a cucumber is water. (True)
- 82% of workers on the Panama Canal suffered from malaria. (True)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
“SKIN BUGS WILL MAKE YOU __________.” (A ZOMBIE)
The Center for Disease Control has confirmed that skin bugs are turning people into zombies. “The process takes about three months from the time a patient first sees a doctor,” said Dr. James Byrne of Syracuse, New York. “After that, the patient typically will die peacefully in bed and immediately turn into a zombie.” Doctors are compelled by law to alert the authorities when a patient comes in with skin bugs. “Once patients/zombies are identified, authorities send out Zombie Control to hunt them down and kill them – usually with a rusty spear to the heart,” said Professor David Collins, Zombie Expert at the CDC. The CDC is conducting an investigation into the increased incidents of skin bugs. “Clearly, this new Zombie Outbreak is caused by skin bugs,” said Collins. “It’s affected me personally because I had to set fire to my cousin, Caleb, last week. He ruined the family picnic.”
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church.
“Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself.” she told the girl.
When they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.
“Well,” said the little girl, “I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the man in the pulpit said that we should all be cheerful givers. I knew I’d be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did.”
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, taking in the whole event. The man thought, “Oh, great, he’s only 4 and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun… I’ll just let him ask, and I’ll answer.”
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son, do you have any questions?”
“Just one,” gasped the still wide-eyed lad. “How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
A couple in India plans to get married 2,000 feet above the ground while suspended by ropes between two mountains. Ashriwad Ayre and Bharti Patil will exchange vows between mountains called Duke’s Nose and Duchess Peak by a priest hanging from another rope. ***MARLAR: If they’re not careful they might redefine the term, “falling for you.”
A new study by researcher E. Mitchell Seymour of the University of Michigan shows that a diet high in blueberries reduces abdominal fat — the kind linked to increased waist size and increased risk for diabetes and heart disease. As an extra added bonus, blueberry-eating rats also improves glucose control (meaning blood sugar was more stable). ***MARLAR: Blueberry muffins, here I come!
GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS… FOR PASTORS
- Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river. Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
- Good News: The Women’s Guild voted to send you a get-well card. Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
- Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.
- Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons. Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the “Gong Show”, “South Park”, and “Texas Chain Saw Massacre.”
- Good News: Your women’s softball team finally won a game. Bad News: They beat your men’s softball team.
- Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.
- Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: It was while you were on vacation.
- Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land. Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.
- Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church. Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.
- Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. Bad News: It’s in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to “decorate” your house.
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Lightning may not strike in the same place twice, but crime does… and does again…
When Germany’s Reiner Hamer went out to a local club, he was mugged three times in one hour. When he went to the bathroom, he had his wallet containing $200 and his cell phone stolen by three attackers. He called police from outside the club using a friend’s phone, but while he waited for cops to arrive he was approached by three other men, who stole his watch and cigarettes. As he leaned back against the wall to recover, another five men approached him and stole his jacket and the last of his small change. ***MARLAR: The moral of the story – never leave your house.
LAW OF THE GARBAGE TRUCK
One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And, I mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, ‘Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!’
This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, ‘The Law of the Garbage Truck.’ He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they’ll dump it on you. Don’t take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don’t take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets. The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life… Ponder the path of your feet. –Proverbs 4:23,26
I read about a Detroit man who couldn’t find his house. He had gone to the right address but all he found was an empty lot. Completely baffled, he asked the Detroit Free Press to help him figure out what was going on. A newspaper reporter learned that not only was the house gone, but the deed to the empty lot was in someone else’s name.
What had happened? For one thing, a few years had passed since the homeowner had left the city without providing a forwarding address. In addition, he had failed to make arrangements for someone to keep the property in repair. So the house was torn down because a city ordinance called for the removal of neighborhood eyesores.
The homeowner’s neglect illustrates the practical truth of Proverbs 24:30-34. Neglect leads to loss. This principle also applies to our daily walk with God. If we neglect our times of prayer and fellowship with the Lord, our relationship with Him will deteriorate and we will no longer experience His favor. We would never want that to happen, but we allow it when we become preoccupied with anything that comes between Christ and us.
FEELING LIKE GARBAGE
An Omaha man suffered multiple fractures recently when he apparently fell asleep in a dumpster that was picked up the next morning by a city trash truck. 28 year old Keith Quick was let out several stops later by the garbage truck driver who had no clue that Quick was in there. That is until he heard Quick calling for help…but by that time he had been compacted 2 or 3 times. He is listed in fair condition at the Nebraska Health System University Hospital. ***MARLAR: His condition has been upgraded from “serious” to “down in the dumps.”
LIFE… LIVE IT
BOUNCE, BOUNCE, BOUNCE BACK
Cool stuff Bounce dryer sheets can be used for… other than freshening up the smell of your laundry (supposedly – I haven’t actually tried any of these things)…
- Bounce will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them.
- It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don’t get opened too often.
- It repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.
- Eliminates static electricity from your television screen. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.
- Freshen the air in your home. Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet.
- Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.
- Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.
- Freshen the air in your car. Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.
- Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agent apparently weakens the bond between the food and the pan while the fabric softening agents soften the baked-on food.
- Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
- Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.
- Eliminate static electricity from Venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.
- Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
- Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
- Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight so they will smell better in the AM.
- Take the used sheet from your dryer and then wipe the lint trap with it. It cleans it perfectly.
- ***MARLAR: Tie a sheet to the outside handle of the front door of your house to ward off Jehovah’s Witnesses. I don’t know if it’ll work or not, but Bounce seems to be able to do so many other things, it might be worth a shot.
JUST FOR FUN
PIZZA REALLY DELIVERS
Pizza saves a man from committing suicide!
An apparently suicidal man was coaxed off the edge of a bridge, not by the police or concerned family members, but a pizza! After nearly six hours of negotiations, police in San Bruno, California, called in the heavy artillery to get the man to move off the safety railings on a highway overpass. Trained negotiators put in a call to Gabriana’s Pizza ordering the “loaded combination”. Tempted by the pizza with pepperoni, olives, cheese and peppers, the 32-year-old man opted for slice rather than a 35ft drop. When he moved back to get a piece of pizza, officers grabbed the man and pulled him to safety. ***MARLAR: Their new slogan: “Gabriana’s Pizza – Pizza to ‘live for”!
SIGNS YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HMO
- Directions to your doctor’s office include “take a left when you enter the trailer park”.
- The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
- The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is “An apple a Day.”
- Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
- “The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges” is not a typographical error.
- The only expense covered 100% is “embalming.”
- With your last HMO, your Prozac didn’t come in different colors with little “M”s on them.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
PAY ATTENTION MEN!
The five toughest questions for men are:
- What are you thinking about?
- Do you love me?
- Do I look fat?
- Do you think she’s prettier than me?
- What would you do if I died?
Each question and answer has the potential to explode into a major argument, so here – as a public service – are some things not to say as well as the appropriate response.
Question 1: What are you thinking about?
WRONG: How hungry I am.
WRONG: My new truck.
RIGHT: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, darling. I was just thinking about what a warm, attractive, and intelligent woman
Question 2: Do you love me?
WRONG: Oh yeah, loads.
WRONG: Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
WRONG: How would you define love, exactly?
RIGHT: “YES! I can’t believe how lucky I am to ever have found you!”
Question 3: Do I look fat?
WRONG: Compared to what?
WRONG: I would rather say you’re not exactly thin.
WRONG: I’ve seen fatter.
RIGHT: “Of course not! Why, you look even better than the day I married you!”
Question 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
WRONG: Yes, but you have a better personality.
WRONG: Not as pretty as you were when you were her age.
WRONG: Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
RIGHT: “Of course not! Why, you look even better than the day I married you!”
Question 5: What would you do if I died?
WRONG: Buy a Corvette.
WRONG: Probably marry someone thinner and prettier.
WRONG: Date your sister.
RIGHT: “I’ll never know, dear. I plan on dying one day before you so I never have to live without you.”
THE WAY WE WORK
(Wednesdays only; The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(None On The Weekends)
Samsung wants to leverage its technological expertise to make the roads a safer place. According to ABC news, A prototype truck designed by Samsung seeks to make the oversize vehicles seemingly transparent. A front-facing camera with night vision capability projects what the semi driver is seeing in front of them. The live video images is then projected onto the back of the truck, showing drivers behind the semi when it is or is not safe for them to pass.
A woman with amnesia is turning to the Internet in the hopes that someone can identify her. According to ABC News, the woman called “Sam” was found in Southern California by firefighters in February and immediately taken to a local hospital. While there she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Doctors told her a volleyball-sized ovarian tumor may have left her with few memories of her earlier life. According to the Facebook post, “Sam” was found in Carlsbad, California, and appears to be in her 50s. She speaks both English and French.
Ford is testing a new program to help you afford one of their vehicles. According to Time Magazine, they are suggesting you rent out your car for short periods, offsetting the cost. The new program is called Peer-2-Peer Car Sharing, and it’s available now as a pilot program in Berkeley, Oakland, San Francisco, Portland, Chicago, Washington, D.C., and London. Ford cited research showing that one-third of Millennial’s were interested in renting out their car as a way to supplement their income.
Orthodox Christians must now learn to live as exiles in our own country. That’s a quote from a senior member of The American Conservative. Rod Dreher told Time Magazine: the ground under our feet has shifted tectonically. Dreher says conservatives have to accept that we really are living in a culturally post-Christian nation. He adds that conservatives also need to realize that LGBT activists and their fellow travelers will be coming after social conservatives. Dreher says The next goal of activists will be a long-term campaign to remove tax-exempt status from dissenting religious institutions. He says the more immediate goal will be the shunning and persecution of dissenters within civil society.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
You only go around once in life. Unless, of course, you’re one of those folks who likes to hang from your ceiling fan.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
JUNE 26, 2015…
Max—Bring handkerchief to theater. This is the true story of Max, a military dog whose army handler was killed in action. Can Max adjust to civilian life? Do dogs in service also suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome? The cast includes Thomas Haden Church and Lauren Graham. “Max” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for military theme and animal fans.
Ted 2—Most teddy bears are soft and cuddly, but this “Ted” is cuddly and foul-mouthed and made quite an impression on audiences. Hence, a sequel. Ted is still with his buddy, Mark Wahlberg, but Ted wants to have a baby with his wife (Amanda Seyfreid) and in order to do this must be declared a real person. Hmm. This is a Seth MacFarlane film. Morgan Freeman is also in the cast. I think people looked strangely at their teddy bears for months after seeing the first “Ted.” This film, “Ted 2” is rated R, so be aware of that. No rating.
What Happened Miss Simone? (documentary)—Nina Simone was a class act singer and this documentary shows her career in music and in civil rights The film is directed by Liz Garbus. “What Happened Miss Simons?” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.
Big Game—Samuel L. Jackson is the president of the United States and when his plane is shot down in the northern wilderness, what can he do to survive? No drones available? He is helped by a boy (Onni Tommila) out hunting. What an idea for a plot. “Big Game” is rated PG 13. No rating.
JULY 01, 2016…
Terminator Genisys is a continuation of the “Terminator” films and also starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. What else is new? Oh, yes, and this film runs against Channing Tatum in the second “Magic Mike” movie.
Magic Mike XXL is a sequel to the first “Magic Mike” and will run against Schwarzenegger’s robot. “Mike” stars Channing Tatum.
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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.