July 02, 2017: Sunday ONAIRprep

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW)! We’re here to have fun–although some restrictions may apply.

Got up this morning and discovered I left the milk out on the counter all night instead of putting it back in the fridge. It worked out though, because I was out of cottage cheese.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. … She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her. — Proverbs 31:1,27,28

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. — 2 Peter 3:9

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away. — 1 Peter 5:4

Thought: What a wonderful blessing it is to be led by godly, loving shepherds. But as much as we love them and show them respect, they will receive even greater appreciation in heaven!

Prayer: O glorious God, please bless every faithful and concerned leader in your Church with a clear sense of your blessing and appreciation. Please use me to show this love to your faithful servants as well. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

Proverbs 7:2 NIV
Keep my commands and you will live; guard my teachings as the apple of your eye.

TODAY IS SUNDAY – JULY 02, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
176 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL BAKED BANANAS DAY.

Today is BE NICE TO PEOPLE YOU DON’T LIKE DAY.  ***The Christian version of that would be Exodus 23:4-5, “Be kind to your enemies; do good to those who hate you.”

Today is VIOLIN LOVERS DAY.  ***I’m not one.  In fact, I think nobody should ever play the violin until such a time as they are a virtuoso.

Today is HALFWAY DAY. At noon today, this year will be half gone.

Today is NATIONAL TRY TO FIND YOUR SLINKY DAY.

Today is I FORGOT DAY, a day to make up for all the birthdays, anniversaries, and graduations you forgot during the first half of the year.

TODAY IS I FORGOT DAY

Do you have problems remembering things?  Today is “I Forgot Day” – so we have some tips on how to improve your memory!

I Forgot Day — You can have a steel-trap memory regardless of your age. All you have to do is remember to follow these 10 can’t-fail tips from doctors psychologists and other leading experts.

  • Talk to yourself. Barbara Van Dyne, who’s been teaching memory classes for 28 years, recommends thinking aloud. For example, if you want to make sure you don’t leave the stove burning when you’re going out, say: “I’m going into the kitchen to turn off the stove. The stove is off.

  • Laugh. Van Dyne, Harry Lorayne and other memory experts say we retain information longer if we associate it with something funny. If you must remember a dignified man’s name is John, you might picture him seated on a toilet.

  • Sing. You don’t have to be Pavarotti. But singing or playing a musical instrument builds pathways in the brain and keeps the memory supple.

  • Breathe deeply, Noted health guru Dr. Andrew Weil and others say memory is loss is often associated with stress. Taking a few moments each day to breathe deeply will relax you and enhance your powers of retention.

  • Take ginkgo biloba. This amazing herb has been shown to be an effective memory booster in countless studies worldwide.

  • Move while you learn. Doing something physical anchors information. So take a step, raise your arms or kick your legs when you put something new into your mind.

  • Visualize. Take time to form a mental picture of the things you want to remember. Our brains think in pictures, Van Dyne says.

  • Walk. Regular aerobic exercise improves circulation, getting blood to the brain. Don’t worry, you don’t have to run marathons, just a gentle stroll four or five times a week will do the trick.

  • Sleep. Doctors advise at least eight hours of sleep a night to keep not only memory but all mental functions sharp.

  • Make sure you do something every day to make your life more enjoyable. Dancing, shopping, and watching a favorite TV show all can boost your memory if you like doing them.

TODAY IS ALSO…

I Forgot Day
Made In The USA Day
World UFO Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

MONDAY, JULY 03

Compliment Your Mirror Day
Earth at Aphelion
International Plastic Bag Free Day
Stay Out Of The Sun Day
Superman Day

TUESDAY, JULY 04

Boom Box Parade Day
Fourth of July or Independence Day
Independence From Meat Day
Indivisible Day

WEDNESDAY, JULY 05

Bikini Day
Work Without Your Hands Day

THURSDAY, JULY 06

Fried Chicken Day
International Kissing Day or World Kiss Day
Take Your Webmaster to Lunch Day

FRIDAY, JULY 07

Chocolate Day
Father-Daughter Take A Walk Together Day
Global Forgiveness Day
Taos Pueblo Pow Wow
Tell The Truth Day
Victims of The Dallas, Texas Attack Day
Wayne Chicken Day

SATURDAY, JULY 08

Bald Is In
Body Painting Day
Carver Day
Coca Cola Day
Grange Day
Math 2.0 Day
SCUD Day

SUNDAY, JULY 09

NONE TODAY

MONDAY, JULY 10

Don’t Step On A Bee Day
International Town Criers Day
Piña Colada Day
Teddy Bears’ Picnic Day

TUESDAY, JULY 11

Bowdler’s Day
Cheer Up The Lonely Day
Day of The Five Billion
National Rainier Cherries Day
Slurpee Day or 7-11’s Birthday
World Population Day
Chick-fil-A’s Cow Appreciation Day

WEDNESDAY, JULY 12

Night of Nights
Simplicity Day

ON THIS DAY

1566: The French doomsayer Nostradamus died. ***He never saw it coming.

1890: Congress passed the Sherman Antitrust Act, which prohibits industrial monopolies. ***You mean, like Major League Baseball? Or Exxon/Mobil? Or Time/Warner Cable? Wow – I should probably share this with the eight other radio stations down the hall…

1916: Ken Curtis was born in Lamar, Colorado. He sang with the Tommy Dorsey band and the Sons of the Pioneers, but was probably best known as Festus Haggen on “Gunsmoke.” He died at age 74 in 1991. (audio clip)

1932: James Gamble died in Cincinnati. As a partner in Procter & Gamble, he developed Ivory, the first floating soap.

1955: ABC Television premiered “The Lawrence Welk Show,” featuring a 24-piece band and “Champagne Lady” Alice Lon. The show lasted 27 years. (audio clip)

1956: At a studio in Manhattan, Elvis Presley recorded “Don’t Be Cruel” and “(You Ain’t Nothin’ But A) Hound Dog.”

1969: Consumer crusader Ralph Nader warned that loud rock music threatened to create a generation of hearing-impaired people.

1970: Lyman Dickinson in Albany, New York, rolled a 299, the highest score ever by a bowler on two artificial legs.

1982: Larry Walters flew a lawn chair to 16,000 feet over San Pedro, California. He had tied 42 helium-filled weather balloons to the chair. He even made it back down safely. ***He was arrested for flying without a pilot’s license – because apparently being a complete and utter moron isn’t technically illegal.

1985: General Motors announced it was installing electronic road maps as an option on some of its higher priced cars. The system used a dashboard computer and maps stored on cassette tapes. Almost nobody was interested.

1988: Rick Krause became the world champion cherry pit spitter in Eau Claire, Michigan, with a record spit of 72 feet 7.5 inches.

1992: The one-millionth Chevrolet Corvette rolled off the assembly line.

2001: Robert Tools received the world’s first self-contained artificial heart in Louisville, Kentucky. He lived 151 days with the device.

2002: American adventurer Steve Fossett became the first person to fly a balloon solo around the world as he returned to western Australia.

2003: Vancouver was awarded the 2010 Winter Olympics.

2004: Legendary film and stage actor Marlon Brando died in Los Angeles at age 80.

2006: Tata, believed to be the world’s oldest crow, died in Bearsville, New York, at age 59. Tata was injured when a storm blew him out of his nest in 1947. Never able to fly, Tata was blinded by cataracts the last five years, but his owner said he was a “good pet and an incredible old bird.” In the wild, the oldest crows live to be only 29 or 30 years old.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1489: English reformer Thomas Cranmer is born at Aslockton, Nottinghamshire. The archbishop of Canterbury wrote the Book of Common Prayer and was burned at the stake in 1556.

1505: A rain storm in Germany helps launch the Protestant Reformation. While returning from a trip to visit his parents, Martin Luther (then a law student) was caught in a violent thunderstorm near Stotternheim. Fearing for his life, he cried, “Help me, St. Anne! I will become a monk!” Within two weeks, he made good on his promise.

1752: The first English Bible published in America rolls off presses in Boston.

1865: British preacher William Booth formed the Christian Mission, later renamed the Salvation Army, in London. Determined to assail poverty and religious indifference with the efficiency of a military organization, Booth modeled his group after the British army, labeling ministers “officers” and new members “recruits.” The Salvation Army’s officers are ordained ministers who have vowed to serve the Army for life. The Army has units in over 80 countries.

1946: The Religion Analysis Service begins this day and informs believers about cults and -isms.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (I Know Who Killed Me, Herbie Fully Loaded, Mean Girls) Lindsay Lohan 31 *** But she’s, like, 61 in drinking, smoking and drugging years.

  • actress (“As the World Turns”, “Witchblade”, “Brooklyn South”) Yancy Butler 47 (audio clip)

  • baseball’s José Canseco 54

  • actor (“California Fever”, “The Fitzpatricks”) Jimmy McNichol 56

  • model Jerry Hall 61

  • actress (“Alice”, “Flo”) Polly Holliday 80 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1714 : Christoph Willibald Gluck

1936 : Tom Springfield (The Springfields)

1939 : Paul Williams (The Temptations)

1942 : Leapy Lee

1949 : Roy “The Professor” Brittan (E Street Band)

1952 : Johnny Colla (Huey Lewis and the News)

1954 : Pete Briquette (The Boomtown Rats)

1965 : Dave Parsons (Bush)

1970 : Monie Love

1983 : Michelle Branch

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

What ever happened to phone booths?

Very good question. After all, how can we expect Superman to save us if he doesn’t have anywhere to go to change into his long underwear? Now, steel-plated, wall or pole-mounted phones have replaced booths. One reason for this is that people were starting to use the phone booths to answer the call of nature. Yup… what you’re thinking is what they used them for. Disgusting, huh? Can you imagine someone so unintelligent that they could not distinguish a telephone booth from a restroom? Phone booths also occupied valuable space. And in today’s world, everything has to justify its existence in the bottom line. If you’re taking up that much space, you’d better make that much more money. Of course, with cell phones, very few people even need to look for a phone… of course, that doesn’t help our Man of Steel either, does it? I guess Clark Kent will have to settle for the nearest men’s room in order to change… the disgrace of it all!

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

NOTE: THIS FEATURE WILL BE TAKING A BREAK IN JULY – NEW STORIES WILL RETURN IN AUGUST IF THE CREATOR OF THIS FEATURE DECIDES TO CONTINUE.

This is just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receiving every Monday, Wednesday and Friday from ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Mandisa and Danny Gokey this week announced the tour stops for this fall’s Rise Out of the Dark Tour. The tour that will also include Love and the Outcome and Jasmine Murray will be in 32 locations from late September through mid November. Check out concert sites and begin ordering tickets at http://mandisaofficial.com/home/tour-2/

Jonny Diaz checked in as he headed for home this week. He posted: What a crazy (but awesome) weekend. 7 flights (3 delays). 4 time zones. 3 concerts. I’m going to nap when I get home  https://twitter.com/jonnydiaz/status/879279156181291008/photo/1

Hawk Nelson’s Jon Steingard may want to re-evaluate his on-stage antics. He posted: My first stage dive in many years – and man it feels different in your 30s. Tomorrow expect “after” pictures of the bruises that are likely to develop. They didn’t so much drop me as much as catch me with heads and elbows and teeth. https://twitter.com/fershee2000/status/879156592335360000

Jamie Grace loves Taco Bell; and now she wants to get married there. She posted: apparently you can get married at Taco Bell. Taking applications for the groom. must love Jesus, be a grown up and have a pulse.

Earlier this month Mandisa announced a fall tour with Danny Gokey. This week she posted: I discovered that the Rise Out Of The Dark Tour promoters are referring to Danny Gokey and me as Mango! Well…I suppose it’s better than Mandokey! https://twitter.com/mandisaofficial/status/879458769813598209/photo/1

Comedian Bob Smiley posted this week: I’m going to eat super healthy on the road. Let’s see what my options are. Attached was a picture of three possibilities: Baskin Robbins, Dunkin Donuts, and Little Ceasars. https://twitter.com/bobsmileycomic/status/879412985579659264/photo/1

Hawk Nelson front man Jon Steingard was in Starbucks this week and posted: Dude in front of me at Starbucks just ordered a coffee with 6 Splendas and 3 packs of honey.

Josh Wilson has figured out a good way to stay in shape while still being a good father. He posted a picture giving his young son a ride and added: Today’s shoulder workout. https://www.instagram.com/p/BVz-RrHFdVj/

Tiffany Lee is secluding herself in an effort to wrap up her first book. The artist who goes by the stage name Plumb posted this week: I’m spending a few nights at a hotel close to home to be alone to finish my book. https://www.instagram.com/p/BV0iV_kH6yD/

Jamie Grace is looking for an intern. She posted this week: if you enjoy music, media and the likes, I wanna invite you to join Team Jamie Grace this Fall.  http://jamiegrace.com/internship/

Keep Casting Crowns Juan Devevo in your prayers. He posted from the front of a bus of High School aged kids: It begins. Thrive Summer Camp. https://www.instagram.com/p/BV0Ke7xlBaz/

It’s been two years since we’ve heard new music from Sanctus Real. Now they are back with a new single and a new lead singer. According to GMA, “Safe In My Father’s Arms” was released late last week. Along with the debut of “Safe In My Father’s Arms,” Sanctus Real also announced their new lead singer, Dustin Lolli, who officially joins long-time band members Rohman and Mark Graalman.  http://ht.ly/7tce30cOEWj

Mark Schultz now has a daughter. The Christian artist posted from China this week: It’s official. We have a daughter! After the swearing in, she took a nap on my shoulder in a hot bus. That’s how we party. The Schultz’ were in China this week for the adoption of Maia Mae Schultz today. https://www.instagram.com/p/BV1GyuFhiVE/

Sidewalk Prophets Dave Frey was cheering on his wife over the weekend. He posted: My wife is the greatest. She knew I love mochi, and she knew it was really messy to make, but to surprise her love, she did it anyway. Then cleaned up the aftermath!  https://www.instagram.com/p/BVsMhkJD2bw/

Natalie Grant was walking with a 14 year old named Lindsey Yoder over the weekend. She posted: Yesterday I told you about 14 year old Lindsey Yoder, who decided to walk 300 miles to raise money for Hope for Justice International. Well, today I surprised her on the final stretch and walked the last mile with her. Find out more about Lindsey’s walk at walk4freedom.com. https://www.classy.org/fundraise?fcid=955450

For King and Country members Joel and Luke are cheering on Lindsey Yoder and her Walk for Freedom. It was the brother’s movie that inspired Lindsey this weekend to walk 300 miles and raise funds to end trafficking. She recently posted: Last October, for my 14th birthday, my mom took me to see the movie “Priceless” which brought to light the issue of human trafficking. Immediately I wanted to do something to stop it. After praying about it, God gave me the idea to walk a long distance as a way to raise awareness about this issue. I have decided to walk from my hometown in Arthur, Illinois, to Nashville, Tennessee where Hope for Justice is located. https://www.classy.org/fundraise?fcid=955450

Stars go Dim front man Chris was teaching during his first concert back after surgery for appendicitis. He posted: Such a pleasure to lead the the National Worship Leader’s conference tonight! Thank you for being gracious to me on my first night back singing since the surgery! It was an honor to worship with you all!  https://www.instagram.com/p/BVqbHN0hjOr/

Hillsong United was having a great time in Nashville over the weekend. They posted: We love Nashville — and monster trucks…

A reminder from the members of Selah. They posted over the weekend: Remember those in prison, as if you were there yourself. Attached was a picture of Asia Bibi, who has been in prison for 8 years for her faith in Christ.  http://bit.ly/2mpmpe8

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

RETURNS WEDNESDAY, JULY 5th AFTER THE INDEPENDENCE DAY HOLIDAY.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

RETURNS WEDNESDAY, JULY 5th AFTER THE INDEPENDENCE DAY HOLIDAY.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD WEDNESDAY’S EPISODE (MONDAY & TUESDAY OFF DUE TO 4TH OF JULY HOLIDAY)

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, all of the animals were selling all of their possessions and packing up to move out of the jungle as fast as possible because they were all terrified of a giant, disgusting, loud, smelly, awful giant-footed monster! But just before everyone moved, Sully the Aardvark thought about something…

CLOSE: Oh great… so maybe the monster IS real! Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

You ever notice how some people just don’t seem to think things through? 29-year-old Antonio Hernandez of Salt Lake City is one of those people.

He pleaded guilty to hijacking a Greyhound bus that had just left Green River, Utah, intending to use it to smash into his estranged wife’s trailer home. Fortunately for everyone involved, he was stopped by police at the hijack scene. But if he hadn’t been caught there, chances are they would have caught him soon enough. To carry out his scheme he would still have had to drive the bus all the way to the Lexington, Nebraska — 500 miles away — to get to his wife’s trailer.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN INDICATORS YOU ARE GROWING OLDER

1. Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.

2. The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

3. Your little black book contains only names ending in MD.

4. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

5. You need glasses to find your glasses.

6. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

7. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

8. Your knees buckle, but your belt won’t.

9. You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there.

10. YOU WONDER WHY MORE PEOPLE DON’T USE GIANT SIZE PRINT.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

An escaped convict has turned himself in… over 30 years after he escaped!

FILE #1: A man who escaped imprisonment over 30 years ago has turned himself in. 50 year old Allan Richardson of Rochester, New York was arrested in 1971 on drug charges and fled to Canada but has since returned to pay his debt to society. He has pled “leniency” and told the court that he was sorry for being a foolish young man and decided to surrender to make peace. The judge said he had no choice but sentence him to 4 years in prison, which was his original sentence… which would’ve been over and done with and he would’ve been a free man in 1975!

FILE #2: It’s probably happened to you before. You’re driving down the road — maybe a little faster than the speed limit — when you spot a police car and slow down. A closer look, though, reveals that the cop car is empty. Just another way the police get drivers to slow down. In the UK police have tried other methods, including using cardboard cut-out police officers. Their latest effort involves using fake sheep on the side of the road. Police in Cumbria, northern UK have placed a stuffed sheep by the roadside. The idea is that motorists will slow down when they see the sheep, as it looks like it is just about to step across the road.

FILE #3: Andrew Wilson of Longview, Texas, bought some clothing at a Dillard’s department store using a stolen check. He probably would’ve gotten away with the $154 worth of stolen goods, but he just wasn’t totally pleased with his “purchases”. So the next day he went back to the store and attempted to return some of the stolen shirts! An alert salesperson notified the police and Wilson was quickly arrested. And where he’s going, he’ll likely just wear the same uniform everyday for awhile.

STRANGE LAW: In Glendale, Arizona, it is illegal to drive a car in reverse.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Friends don’t let friends drive stupid.

Two men in Santa Clara California, driving drunk, one with a suspended license, both who desperately needed to use the men’s room, followed a Department of Correction’s bus all the way through the gates of a jail. Turns out they thought they were following a Greyhound bus and figuring they’d find the men’s room at the bus depot – at least according to the Department of Corrections driver who made sure to close the gate quickly behind him.

PHONER PHUN

Worst vacation nightmare stories… tell us about your most miserable vacation experience!

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Between what two books of the bible can you find the book of Josiah?

ANSWER: Nowhere – there is no such book!

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Sumerians (from 5000 BC) thought that what body part made blood?

ANSWER: The liver. They also thought that the heart was the center of thought.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Americans on average eat 180 acres of pizza every day. (False – 18 acres)

2. Delivery times for Dominoes pizza in Hong Kong is primarily influenced by elevator traffic. (True. Due to a high level of congestion, most of a pizza delivery man’s time is spent waiting for and riding elevators.)

3. About 25 percent of all the energy consumed in the US is from petroleum. (False – natural gas.)

4. One barrel of petroleum holds 50 gallons. (False – 42 gallons)

5. It takes seven years for a lobster to grow 1 pound. (True)

6. The longest recorded life span of a camel was 35 years, 5 months. (True)

7. Beaver Cleaver graduated in 1953. (True)

8. Pogonophobia is the fear of pogo-sticks. (False – beards.)

9. 96% of a cucumber is water. (True)

10. 82% of workers on the Panama Canal suffered from malaria. (True)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“SKIN BUGS WILL MAKE YOU __________.” (A ZOMBIE)

The Center for Disease Control has confirmed that skin bugs are turning people into zombies.  “The process takes about three months from the time a patient first sees a doctor,” said Dr. James Byrne of Syracuse, New York.  “After that, the patient typically will die peacefully in bed and immediately turn into a zombie.”  Doctors are compelled by law to alert the authorities when a patient comes in with skin bugs. “Once patients/zombies are identified, authorities send out Zombie Control to hunt them down and kill them – usually with a rusty spear to the heart,” said Professor David Collins, Zombie Expert at the CDC.  The CDC is conducting an investigation into the increased incidents of skin bugs.  “Clearly, this new Zombie Outbreak is caused by skin bugs,” said Collins.  “It’s affected me personally because I had to set fire to my cousin, Caleb, last week.  He ruined the family picnic.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church.
“Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself.” she told the girl.
When they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.
“Well,” said the little girl, “I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the man in the pulpit said that we should all be cheerful givers. I knew I’d be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did.”

JOKE #2

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, taking in the whole event. The man thought, “Oh, great, he’s only 4 and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun… I’ll just let him ask, and I’ll answer.”

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son, do you have any questions?”

“Just one,” gasped the still wide-eyed lad. “How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”

JOKE #3

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

USELESS FACTS

A study by researcher E. Mitchell Seymour of the University of Michigan shows that a diet high in blueberries reduces abdominal fat — the kind linked to increased waist size and increased risk for diabetes and heart disease. As an extra added bonus, blueberry-eating rats also improves glucose control (meaning blood sugar was more stable).  ***Blueberry muffins, here I come!

It’s estimated that Americans only do half as much cooking at home as we did in 1976.  ***Well yeah – we didn’t have Domino’s back then.

FEATURED FUNNIES

GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS… FOR PASTORS

  • Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river. Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

  • Good News: The Women’s Guild voted to send you a get-well card. Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

  • Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

  • Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons. Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the “Gong Show”, “South Park”, and “Texas Chain Saw Massacre.”

  • Good News: Your women’s softball team finally won a game. Bad News: They beat your men’s softball team.

  • Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

  • Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. Bad News: It was while you were on vacation.

  • Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land. Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.

  • Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church. Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.

  • Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. Bad News: It’s in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to “decorate” your house.

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Lightning may not strike in the same place twice, but crime does… and does again…

When Germany’s Reiner Hamer went out to a local club, he was mugged three times in one hour. When he went to the bathroom, he had his wallet containing $200 and his cell phone stolen by three attackers. He called police from outside the club using a friend’s phone, but while he waited for cops to arrive he was approached by three other men, who stole his watch and cigarettes. As he leaned back against the wall to recover, another five men approached him and stole his jacket and the last of his small change.  ***MARLAR: The moral of the story – never leave your house.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

LAW OF THE GARBAGE TRUCK
One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And, I mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, ‘Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!’
This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, ‘The Law of the Garbage Truck.’ He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they’ll dump it on you. Don’t take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don’t take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets. The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life… Ponder the path of your feet. –Proverbs 4:23,26

I read about a Detroit man who couldn’t find his house. He had gone to the right address but all he found was an empty lot. Completely baffled, he asked the Detroit Free Press to help him figure out what was going on. A newspaper reporter learned that not only was the house gone, but the deed to the empty lot was in someone else’s name.

What had happened? For one thing, a few years had passed since the homeowner had left the city without providing a forwarding address. In addition, he had failed to make arrangements for someone to keep the property in repair. So the house was torn down because a city ordinance called for the removal of neighborhood eyesores.

The homeowner’s neglect illustrates the practical truth of Proverbs 24:30-34. Neglect leads to loss. This principle also applies to our daily walk with God. If we neglect our times of prayer and fellowship with the Lord, our relationship with Him will deteriorate and we will no longer experience His favor. We would never want that to happen, but we allow it when we become preoccupied with anything that comes between Christ and us.

LEFTOVERS

FEELING LIKE GARBAGE
An Omaha man suffered multiple fractures recently when he apparently fell asleep in a dumpster that was picked up the next morning by a city trash truck. 28 year old Keith Quick was let out several stops later by the garbage truck driver who had no clue that Quick was in there. That is until he heard Quick calling for help…but by that time he had been compacted 2 or 3 times. He is listed in fair condition at the Nebraska Health System University Hospital.  ***MARLAR: His condition has been upgraded from “serious” to “down in the dumps.”

LIFE… LIVE IT

BOUNCE, BOUNCE, BOUNCE BACK

Cool stuff Bounce dryer sheets can be used for… other than freshening up the smell of your laundry (supposedly – I haven’t actually tried any of these things)…

  • Bounce will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them.

  • It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don’t get opened too often.

  • It repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.

  • Eliminates static electricity from your television screen. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.

  • Freshen the air in your home. Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet.

  • Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.

  • Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.

  • Freshen the air in your car. Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.

  • Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agent apparently weakens the bond between the food and the pan while the fabric softening agents soften the baked-on food.

  • Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.

  • Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.

  • Eliminate static electricity from Venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.

  • Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.

  • Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.

  • Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight so they will smell better in the AM.

  • Take the used sheet from your dryer and then wipe the lint trap with it. It cleans it perfectly.

  • ***MARLAR: Tie a sheet to the outside handle of the front door of your house to ward off Jehovah’s Witnesses. I don’t know if it’ll work or not, but Bounce seems to be able to do so many other things, it might be worth a shot.

JUST FOR FUN

PIZZA REALLY DELIVERS

Pizza saves a man from committing suicide!
An apparently suicidal man was coaxed off the edge of a bridge, not by the police or concerned family members, but a pizza! After nearly six hours of negotiations, police in San Bruno, California, called in the heavy artillery to get the man to move off the safety railings on a highway overpass. Trained negotiators put in a call to Gabriana’s Pizza ordering the “loaded combination”. Tempted by the pizza with pepperoni, olives, cheese and peppers, the 32-year-old man opted for slice rather than a 35ft drop. When he moved back to get a piece of pizza, officers grabbed the man and pulled him to safety. ***MARLAR: Their new slogan: “Gabriana’s Pizza – Pizza to ‘live for”!

FUN LIST

SIGNS YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HMO

  • Directions to your doctor’s office include “take a left when you enter the trailer park”.

  • The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

  • The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is “An apple a Day.”

  • Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

  • “The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges” is not a typographical error.

  • The only expense covered 100% is “embalming.”

  • With your last HMO, your Prozac didn’t come in different colors with little “M”s on them.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

PAY ATTENTION MEN!

The five toughest questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she’s prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

Each question and answer has the potential to explode into a major argument, so here – as a public service – are some things not to say as well as the appropriate response.

Question 1: What are you thinking about?

WRONG: Baseball.

WRONG: Football.

WRONG: How hungry I am.

WRONG: My new truck.

RIGHT: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, darling. I was just thinking about what a warm, attractive, and intelligent woman

you are.”

Question 2: Do you love me?

WRONG: Oh yeah, loads.

WRONG: Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

WRONG: How would you define love, exactly?

RIGHT: “YES! I can’t believe how lucky I am to ever have found you!”

Question 3: Do I look fat?

WRONG: Compared to what?

WRONG: I would rather say you’re not exactly thin.

WRONG: I’ve seen fatter.

RIGHT: “Of course not! Why, you look even better than the day I married you!”

Question 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?

WRONG: Yes, but you have a better personality.

WRONG: Not as pretty as you were when you were her age.

WRONG: Not prettier, but definitely thinner.

RIGHT: “Of course not! Why, you look even better than the day I married you!”

Question 5: What would you do if I died?

WRONG: Buy a Corvette.

WRONG: Probably marry someone thinner and prettier.

WRONG: Date your sister.

RIGHT: “I’ll never know, dear. I plan on dying one day before you so I never have to live without you.”

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

NEW STORIES RETURN WEDNESDAY, JULY 5th AFTER THE INDEPENDENCE DAY HOLIDAY.

Nice to find out there are still good people in America- or at least in Poquoson, Virginia. A 9-year-old boy named Charlie accidentally left his wallet at a 7-11 store — a wallet containing a lot of money. Devastated, Charlie wrote an impassioned letter and posted it on the store’s window. The letter featured Charlie’s picture at the bottom and it explained how he forgot his wallet next to the Slurpee machine and it was gone when he went back to get it. It contained more than $300 he had worked hard for two years to save and three gift cards he just received for his birthday. Amazingly, an unidentified woman returned the wallet and everything was still in it. The store’s manager, Marvin Ward, said that numerous people also contacted the Daily Press, after they ran a story about the letter, offering to make donations to replace the lost money. Fortunately, that won’t be necessary now. (Daily Press)

In Iran, back in 2004, a woman by the name of Ameneh Bahrami was the victim in an acid throwing incident that blinded and disfigured her. Her assailant was Majid Movahedi who threw the acid as retaliation when she refused his offer of marriage. So Miss Bahrami wanted strict Sharia law punishment for Movahedi and demanded “an eye for an eye” justice. The courts granted her petition and Movahedi was sentenced to 12 years imprisonment and also that he be blinded in both eyes!! The blinding part of the sentence was all set to be carried out with an eye specialist and a court representative standing by at a hospital. But then something amazing happened. Miss Bahrami had a change of heart and decided to forgive and pardon him. Human rights group Amnesty International had called on the Iranian government to not carry out the sentence, which it described as cruel, inhuman and torture, but it wasn’t until Miss Bahrami offered her pardon that the courts rescinded the blinding part of his sentence. (AHN News)

Hundreds of bikers gathered in Sydney, N.S., Wednesday morning to escort a 10-year-old boy who has been the victim of bullying to school. The leather-clad bikers drove Grade 4 student Xander Rose to school and walked with him in a line to the front door of Harbourside Elementary. Mike Basso organized the rally to support the boy after his mother reached out to a U.S. children’s advocacy group called Defenders Of The Children. http://bit.ly/2sYjD2h

Six convicts are getting their sentences shortened after saving a guard who collapsed on duty last Monday in Polk County, Georgia. The deputy collapsed during a work detail at a local cemetery with six inmates who he’d grown to know well from working alongside for seven hours a day, five days a week. As soon as the officer dropped, the six inmates he was overseeing came to his aid. They removed the officer’s outer bulletproof vest to help cool him off and took his phone to call 911. Now they are being rewarded for their heroic actions. In addition to a celebratory meal, Polk County Sheriff Johnny Moats says that he will shorten the inmates’ sentences by about 25 percent. http://nbcnews.to/2rInwEs

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

You only go around once in life. Unless, of course, you’re one of those folks who likes to hang from your ceiling fan.

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JUNE 30, 2017…

Despicable Me 3—OK, fans, settle down, your favorite animated characters are back and the Minions, too. Dru (voice of Steve Carell) and his beloved (Kristen Wiig) are together with the three girls. In this plot, Dru meets his long-lost brother (also voiced by Carrell) and of course, there is mayhem. “Despicable Me 3” is rated PG. Rating of 4 for fans.

The Little Hours—The premise for this film does sound vaguely familiar. Dave Franco is trying to get away from his boss (Nick Offerman) so he decides to hide in a house of nuns. Would you believe Molly Shannon is one of the nuns and John C. Reilly plays the role of a priest? “The Little Hours” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

The House—Want to make some fast cash?  How about starting a gambling room in the basement. That’s right. Will Ferrell and Amy Poehler do just that. The cash will send their daughter to college. There will be all sorts of entertainment, plus gambling. It’s those side issues like parking, neighbors, and so on. “The House” is rated PG 13. No rating, but this borders on being an adult film.

Amityville: The Awakening—This is a re-do of the original film about a family moving into a house where murders had been committed. Of course, the place is haunted with a capital “H.” Bella Thorne stars as the young woman who is caught up in this horror. “Amityville: The Awakening” is rated R. No rating.

Baby Driver—Not to get this film confused with “Boss Baby,” this movie concerns a young get-away driver (Ansel Elgort) who plays music to keep his active mind from being distracted. His reputation is with the wheel. Ansel goes along with a difficult robbery planned by Jon Hamm and Kevin Spacey. “Baby Driver” is rated R. Rating of 2 for fans.

JULY 07, 2017…

The Big Sick concerns a stand-up comic (Kamail Nanjiani) who loves a girl (Zoe Kazan) from another culture.

Spider-Man: Homecoming is yet another beginning for Peter Parker, this time played by Tom Holland. Iron Man is also in the cast.

A Ghost Story  stars Casey Affleck and Rooney Mara as a couple who cope with a ghost.

Patti Cake$ (opening in select cities) is a documentary about a young woman who wants to turn rap music into her life’s work. Danielle Macdonald, who stars, is from Australia.

City Of Ghosts (opening in select cities) is a documentary about journalists covering news stories in Syria.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.