July 05, 2015: Sunday ONAIRprep

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Hello again, and welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW), the only radio show that actually cleans your radio while you listen. Parts and service not included.


I may not have blown off one of my fingers yesterday, but don’t let that fool you… I still love America.




For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? Or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? –Matthew 16:26


Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done and proclaim that his name is exalted. —Isaiah 12:4 (NIV)




Correct me, LORD, but only with justice — not in your anger, lest you reduce me to nothing. — Jeremiah 10:24


Thought: God is love! God is also holy and righteous! If he did not lovingly and tenderly correct us, none of us could survive before his awesome perfection. Yet our God has chosen to give us his undeserved mercy and kindness as he corrects us and molds us to be more like him.


Prayer: Holy and righteous Father, I truly do want to become more like you in my daily character; but please, dear Father, humble and correct me gently for you know how small I am compared to you. In the name of my Savior, your Son Jesus, I pray. Amen.


The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.




The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Genesis 7:5 NIV = And Noah did all that the LORD commanded him.




(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)


Today is LEFTOVER BURPING DAY, a day for those who ate too much barbecue and potato salad on the 4th to try to regain some semblance of belly control. ***MARLAR: I gain belly control with a full-body girdle. It works wonders.


Today is NATIONAL APPLE TURNOVER DAY. ***MARLAR: Okay, so now it’s stem down. What do I do now?


Today is INDEPENDENCE DAY IN ALGERIA AND VENEZUELA. ***MARLAR: I wonder if they celebrate by blowing off their fingers too?




Bikini Day





Earth at Aphelion

International Kissing Day (World Kissing Day)

Take Your Webmaster to Lunch Day



Chocolate Day

Father-Daughter Take a Walk Together Day

Global Forgiveness Day

Tell The Truth Day



Math 2.0 Day

SCUD Day (Savor the Comic, Unplug the Drama)



Martyrdom of the Bab



Collector Car Appreciation Day

Clerihew Day

Don’t Step On a Bee Day

Pina Colada Day

Taos Pueblo Pow Wow

Teddy Bears’ Picnic Day

Wayne Chicken Day



Bowdler’s Day

Cheer Up The Lonely Day

Day of the Five Billion

National Rainier Cherries Day

Slurpee Day (7-Eleven Day)

World Population Day

Bald Is In Day

Carver Day

Grange Day



Grange Day

Night of Nights

Simplicity Day



Ann Hutchinson Memorial Day

Embrace Your Geekness Day

Gruntled Workers Day

National French Fries Day



International Nude Day

International Town Criers Day ***MARLAR: Let’s just hope they are not also celebrating International Nude Day!

Shark Awareness Day




1942: Though his family had produced 30-million automobiles, Edsel Ford of Detroit was not allowed to obtain a new car because of strict wartime rationing. ***MARLAR: What’s the point of being rich if you can’t buy off those in power to get special privileges? Bummer.


1946: Four days after the U.S. dropped an atomic bomb on Bikini Atoll, designer Louis Reard introduced a new 2-piece woman’s swimsuit at a fashion show in Paris. He proclaimed the suit the “ultimate” concept and called it the bikini. ***MARLAR: And unlike Bikini Atoll, this bikini did not bomb.


1947: Larry Doby signed a contract with baseball’s Cleveland Indians, becoming the first black player in the American League.


1948: My Favorite Husband starring Lucille Ball debuted on CBS Radio. Lee Bowman co-starred with Lucy as “two people who live together and like it.”


1954: Elvis Presley recorded for the first time in Memphis with guitarist Scotty Moore and bass slapper Bill Black. The result was Sun record #209, “That’s All Right, Mama” and “Blue Moon of Kentucky.”


1975: Arthur Ashe defeated Jimmy Connors to become the first black men’s singles champion at Wimbledon.


1980: Tom Shufflebotham charmed 511 worms out of the ground in 30 minutes at the World Worm Charming Championships in Willaston, England. Worm charmers ply their talent by shaking the ground (digging?) with various garden tools. Water may not be used. ***MARLAR: Ladies, on the other hand, don’t really consider Tom that much of a charmer… probably because he uses the same methods on them.


1985: The New York Mets scored five runs in the 19th inning to beat the Braves 16-13 in Atlanta. Game totals: 46 hits, 29 runs, and two rain delays in 6 hours and 10 minutes. Fourth of July fireworks followed the game at 4:00 a.m.


1989: The pilot episode of ”Seinfeld” premiered. NBC originally called the show “The Seinfeld Chronicles.” (



1991: After three years of restoration, a new law was imposed on the opening of the Trevi Fountain in Rome, banning the throwing of coins into the fountain.


1993: Dave Lampson of Centreville, Virginia, received a tax statement from IRS claiming he owed $68-billion! He was to pay $500 a month for 11-million years. An IRS official said it was a computer error.


2002: Baseball’s Ted Williams — The Kid, Splendid Splinter, Teddy Ballgame, and The Thumper — died at age 83. He was likely the greatest hitter in baseball.


2003: An Estonian couple won the Wife-Carrying World Championship in Sonkajarvi, Finland, for the third straight year. Leaping timbers and wading through waist-high water, Egle Soll carried Margo Uusorg   over the 760-foot course in just over a minute. Estonian couples have won the race every year since 1998 when they introduced a new style of carrying their partners upside down over their backs.




1439: At the Council of Florence, the Decree of Union (‘Laententur Coeli’) was signed, creating an official theological union between the Eastern (Orthodox) and Western (Catholic) churches. Unfortunately, the Eastern Church at large never accepted the document and a full working unity between these two major churches.


1768: English founder of Methodism John Wesley wrote in a letter: “We are reasonable creatures, and undoubtedly reason is the candle of the Lord. By enlightening our reason to see the meaning of the Scriptures, the Holy Spirit makes our way plain before us.”


1865: William Booth founds The Christian Mission to work among London’s poor and unchurched. Later, he changed the mission’s name to the Salvation Army.


1903: Death of English theologian William Burt Pope, 81. His Compendium of Christian Theology (1875-76) set forth the most powerful systematic arguments of his day for the holiness doctrine in Methodism.


1962: Death of Helmut Richard Niebuhr, 67. Christian Ethics professor at Yale for 30years, Niebuhr is better remembered for his popular and oft-reprinted 1951 classic, Christand Culture — a work that explores available options of relating one’s personal faith to the world’s highest and noblest principles.


1963: In an instruction given by the Holy Office, disposal of the dead by cremation was officially granted sanction by the Catholic Church. (Belief in the resurrection of the dead had previously made cremation repugnant to many Christians.)


1985: Bob Chappel of Wycliffe Bible Translators is murdered by ambushers who open fire on his van near Lea, Papua.




actress (“Nurse Jackie”, “Sopranos”, “Oz”) Edie Falco 52 (





(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1912 : Mack David

1913 : Smiley Lewis

1938 : “Snuff” Garrett

1941 : Terry Cashman (Cashman & West, The Buchanan Brothers)

1943 : Robbie Robertson (The Band)

1950 : Huey Lewis; Born Hugh Anthony Cregg III on Jul. 5, 1950 in New York City, New York.
Singer/songwriter /harmonicist/actor. Formed the News in San Francisco, California. Huey Lewis and the News SongFacts

1950 : Michael Monarch (Steppenwolf)

1959 : Marc Cohn

1973 : Bengt Lagerberg (The Cardigans)

1980 : Jason Wade (Lifehouse)




How come we have those two little ridges in the middle of our upper lip?

The ridges are as plain as the nose on your face, under which they sit, occupying some pretty important facial real estate. But what have they done for you lately? The ridges are the medial band and the lateral band and the valley between them is known as the philtrum, Greek for “love charm.” The Greeks thought the upper lip, if turned on end, looked like Cupid’s bow. Anyway, enough kissy, kissy. The ridges that create the philtrum are there to protect several delicate bones that come together right beneath them, one of which is the bone that holds your nostrils apart. That’s pretty darned important. Were your two nostrils to collapse into one big hole, who knows? The next time you sneezed, you might blow your brains out.




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The song Impossible is the latest release from Building 429 and now members of the band are asking that you create lyric images for the song and then submit them on twitter with the hash tag #ImpossibleLyrics. They plan to feature one submission each week on Instagram.


The members of the band Hawk Nelson were celebrating their heritage this week. The band celebrated Canada day by enjoying Tim Horton Donuts.


Adam and Sharon Agee celebrated their anniversary by reliving their first date. Audio Adrenaline front man Adam Agee says they were at a baseball game, just like the very first time they went out together..



Sidewalk Prophets front man David Frey was moving this week. He shared online: Today was moving day. Tomorrow is still moving day. I hate moving. But Dave did find a silver lining. He added: but what awesome weather in Nashville. Thank you Lord.


Casting Crowns’ Juan DeVevo has found the perfect way to keep up with the kids and survive camp. He tweeted: Manhunt: the fun, late night game where I lead my team to hide in a place where I can nap.


Kevin Max tweeted this week: I’m obsessed with tepees just now. The former member of DC Talk and Audio Adrenaline shared a picture of a tepee with the caption: This will find its way into my backyard soon…. Fur lined, vinyl player, no tv…Lots of books.


Mercyme member Nathan Cochran will soon be the father of a teenager. He shared online: my oldest son William will be 13 in a few short days. Nathan said that, to celebrate, they were taking a trip, just the two of them.


Joel from for King and Country will never forget the date that he first met his wife, fellow artist Moria Peters. It was on the same day as his brother, Luke’s, wedding. Joel says he met and danced with Moriah five years ago this week.


Periscope may need to come with a warning label. Jamie Grace was on the social media site that lets artists broadcast live online and got stuck in an elevator. After a brief outage Jamie was back live on periscope reporting: I’m 100% alive and still singing.


Skillet front man Jon Foreman may have gotten more than he bargained for when he shook hands with fans after a recent show. One fan told Jon on twitter: I shook your hand last night at creation ….I have poison ivy. Sorry.




Dolphin leaps onto boat, injuring California woman    photo
SANTA ANA, Calif. (AP) — A dolphin leaped onto a boat in Southern California, crashing into a woman and breaking both her ankles. Chrissie Frickman was boating with her husband and two children June 21 when a pod of dolphins swam alongside them. One of the animals jumped on the vessel,…


Man charged with robbing same New Jersey bank 5 years later
ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. (AP) — A Philadelphia man robbed a New Jersey bank four months after he was released from prison for robbing the same place five years earlier, prosecutors said. Authorities said 54-year-old Keith Ney entered the Cape Bank in Atlantic City on April 23 and gave a teller a…
2 share pageant title after miscount, but one is upset
WINSLOW, Maine (AP) — One winner of a teenage Miss 4th of July pageant is upset. The other agreed to share the title but isn’t talking. And the pageant organizer is defending herself from accusations she rigged the results. Molly Lybrook, 17, of Fairfield, said she won the Winslow Miss 4th of…
Woman’s parking citation tossed because of missing comma
MIDDLETOWN, Ohio (AP) — An appeals court has agreed with an Ohio woman who said her parking citation should be tossed because the village law was missing a comma. Andrea Cammelleri (kah-meh-LEHR’-ee) says she shouldn’t have been issued a citation in 2014 based on the wording of the law…
Grenade-shaped perfume bottle leads to courthouse evacuation    photo
CINCINNATI (AP) — A suspicious item that prompted a Cincinnati courthouse evacuation turned out to be a perfume bottle shaped like a World War II grenade. Hamilton County Sheriff Jim Neil told reporters that the bottle was shaped like a “pineapple” hand grenade and was in a woman’s suitcase….
Pope dolls, bobble heads up for sale months before US visit
PHILADELPHIA (AP) — Pope Francis is a doll. No, really. The people organizing the pontiff’s September visit to Philadelphia launched an online store Wednesday featuring papal plush dolls and bobble heads. The World Meeting of Families website features posters, T-shirts and life-sized cutouts…
Man jailed for not paying $749 fare for 300-mile cab ride
UNIONTOWN, Pa. (AP) — Police say a man who took a 300-mile cab ride across Pennsylvania to surprise his fiancee has been jailed because he couldn’t pay the $749 fare. Police say 35-year-old New York City resident John Williams Jr. took the taxi from Philadelphia to Uniontown with his children…
For sale: Former prison with mountain view, sleeps hundreds
MOREAU, N.Y. (AP) — For sale: A 325-acre New York property containing more than 100 structures atop a mountain offering spectacular views. Sleeps hundreds. And one more thing: It’s a former prison. The economic development office says July 7 is the deadline to submit bids to turn the prison…
Pennsylvania track to start races earlier to avoid deer
ERIE, Pa. (AP) — Deer, not deuces, are wild at Presque Isle Downs and Casino, and the racetrack is making changes to get its horses back in the starting gate. Officials plan to resume racing on Wednesday after canceling some races Sunday and all the races Monday and Tuesday because deer were…
4th set of triplets delivered at California hospital
FRESNO, Calif. (AP) — Doctors at a Central California hospital have delivered a fourth set of triplets in the last four weeks. HASH(0x13eb2d0) The newspaper reported that hospital officials confirmed the latest births, but the family didn’t give permission to release any other details. One…
Maine woman pleads guilty to stealing wreaths from cemetery
ALFRED, Maine (AP) — A Maine woman has pleaded guilty to stealing Christmas wreaths and arrangements from grave sites in a Saco cemetery to decorate her own properties during the holidays. Saco police announced that 56-year-old Pamela Golarz, of Old Orchard Beach, was fined $950 after…




Ex-Iowa State scientist gets prison for faking HIV research    photo
DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — A former Iowa State University scientist who altered blood samples to make it appear he had achieved a breakthrough toward a potential vaccine against HIV was sentenced Wednesday to more than 4 ½ years in prison for making false statements in research reports….


Study offers clue to link between swine flu shot, narcolepsy
WASHINGTON (AP) — One vaccine used in Europe during the 2009 swine flu pandemic was linked to rare cases of a baffling side effect — the sleep disorder narcolepsy. Now new research offers a clue to what happened. The vaccine Pandemrix never was used in the United States, and was pulled…
French court: No compensation over faulty breast implants    photo
PARIS (AP) — A French appeals court ruled Thursday that a German product-testing company does not have to compensate more than 3,000 women with leak-prone breast implants — and now women who sued may have to pay back 5.8 million euros ($6.4 million) in collective damages they received…
2nd Ebola case declared in Liberia as health workers protest    photo
MONROVIA, Liberia (AP) — Liberian officials confirmed a second Ebola case Wednesday in the same town where the disease was detected days earlier on the corpse of a teenager, seven weeks after the country was declared Ebola-free. The infected person was moved to Monrovia, said Deputy Health…
Report urges major steps to help victims of cardiac arrest
WASHINGTON (AP) — Would you know what to do if you see someone collapse, not breathing — a loved one at home, a co-worker at the office, a stranger on the street? Far too many Americans die of cardiac arrest, and now a major new report urges a national campaign to improve survival in…
OxyContin maker bows out of meeting on harder-to-abuse drug
WASHINGTON (AP) — The makers of the potent painkiller OxyContin have pulled out of a federal meeting to review the company’s harder-to-abuse version of the much-debated drug. An executive for Purdue Pharma says the company wants more time to review and analyze its data. As a result, the…
After trade deal, Obama seeks to repair rift with labor
WASHINGTON (AP) — After the push for trade legislation ruptured relations between the White House and organized labor, President Barack Obama is embarking on something of a repair mission. Within hours of business leaders joining him at a White House signing ceremony for the polarizing trade…
Poll: Approval for Supreme Court health care decision
WASHINGTON (AP) — A new poll finds that most Americans approve of the recent Supreme Court decision preserving the health care law’s subsidized insurance premiums for people in all 50 states. Overall, 62 percent approved, while 32 percent disapproved, said the survey released Wednesday by the…
O say can you breathe? Fireworks pollute air, study says    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — July Fourth fireworks fill the skies across the nation with more than sparkling bursts of color. They spew pollution, too. A study of 315 locations around the country found that the holiday explosions temporarily boosted the levels of airborne microscopic particles that can…
What’s next for California’s contentious vaccine law    photo
SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — Gov. Jerry Brown has signed a hotly contested California bill to impose one of the strictest school vaccination laws in the country in the wake of an outbreak of measles at Disneyland late last year. The following is a look at what the new law signed Tuesday means…
Ex-Iowa egg farm manager gets probation after assisting feds
SIOUX CITY, Iowa (AP) — A former Iowa egg farm manager will avoid jail time after cooperating with investigators in a criminal prosecution stemming from a 2010 salmonella outbreak. U.S. District Judge Mark Bennett sentenced Tony Wasmund to four years of probation Tuesday after the government…




(None on the weekends)













CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Steve Geyer, “Driving Statistics”




OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the animals finally decided to stop buying fancier and fancier shoes just to impress each other. Well, the truth is that everyone ran out of money. But then they all realized that true friends didn’t need to be the envy of the entire jungle. Well, everyone realized this except Millard the Monkey…


CLOSE: There he goes again! Tune in next time for another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!




OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffleson had voiced his disgust over having to work so much – he was tired of it and didn’t want to work anymore. Now he’s on Razzleflabbin Island, and his friends Karl and Olaf are showing him their new weekly calendar clock-tower…


CLOSE: Every day could be Saturday… we all wish that from time to time, don’t we? But would it really be a good thing? Tune in next time to find out – As the Jungle Turns!


***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.




Sometimes actors and actresses get pretty cocky and full of themselves when it comes to landing a role they really want. But be careful if you don’t cast them in the part they desire – they might explode!

An actress in the United Kingdom is upset that a leading opera company did not cast her in the role of the ”blushing teenage daughter,” (a virgin who is afraid of men) in Gilbert and Sullivan’s musical, ‘the Pirates of Penzance’. She’s so upset that she’s suing. But the opera company is sticking to their guns. They feel they made the right decision on this one. So why didn’t they cast her as the virgin? Easy… they’d didn’t think she’d be very convincing in the part – considering she’s six months pregnant.






  1. Baked Alaska is being used in reference to the entire state, not just the name for a delightful dessert.


  1. The pizza you ordered is actually the same temperature that it came out of the oven when the delivery guy FINALLY gets it to your door.


  1. The water in your swimming pool can be used to cook vegetables.


  1. Your wife finally gives up her flannel footie pajamas.


  1. You can cook a full meal in your crock pot without ever plugging it in.


  1. Your church budget committee finally authorizes turning on the air conditioning in the sanctuary.


  1. Al Gore takes credit for inventing air conditioning.


  1. Your kids are toasting marshmallows — by sticking them out the window.


  1. Water comes out of the “cold” faucet at the same temperature as the “hot” faucet.


  1. “Ice Cube” forced to change his name to “Wet Spot.”




The ice cream man is arrested!


FILE #1: Demetrius Woods seemed to have a thriving business going selling ice cream out of his little truck. That was until police noticed that all of his customers were adults and some of them were buying ice cream at very strange hours. So they decided to check in on Mr. Ice Cream Man. And in his freezer they found not Drumsticks and Popsicles but six large bags of marijuana. He’s keeping cool in jail now.


FILE #2: A gang of armed robbers has been arrested by police after their latest victim spotted them sipping drinks near the mobile phone shop they had just raided. The shop’s owner was going to make a police report when he saw the thieves’ car at a roadside drink stand. So he called police who surrounded the four robbers and arrested them without any trouble.


FILE #3: James Jacobs of Miami, was taken to the police station for a Breathalyzer test. After he spent too much time in the men’s room, police checked on Jacobs and found him lying unconscious on the bathroom floor with blue foam oozing from his mouth. Apparently, Jacobs had stuck a blue toilet bowl-cleaning disk into his mouth, hoping the smell would cover his alcohol breath. ***Now that’s what I call a potty-mouth!


STRANGE LAW: Monkeys are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend, Indiana.




Buying up newspapers to keep people from reading them doesn’t mean that the news inside the paper won’t get read anyway.

Jack William Pacheco has more copies of this week’s edition of The Chowchilla News than he’ll ever need. The Chowchilla, California, resident went around town Wednesday morning, buying every copy he could in an attempt to prevent word from getting out about his arrest for alleged methamphetamine possession. The story of his arrest was on the front page. Pacheco estimated that he bought 500 to 600 copies of The Chowchilla News from the newspaper’s office, gas stations, convenience stores and a coin-operated news rack. But 500 more copies were printed the next day.




(Buuuuuuuuuuuuurp.) What did you eat too much of yesterday?




QUESTION: Who slept at Bethel and dreamed about angels?

ANSWER: Jacob (Genesis 28:11-15)




QUESTION: It covers 50 percent of the earth. What is it?

ANSWER: The Pacific Ocean




Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!


  1. 96% of people put the peanut butter on first when making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. (True)


  1. California consumes more tofu than any other product. (False – bottled water)


  1. California has issued 6 drivers licenses to people named “Jesus Christ.” (True)


  1. The world’s shortest river is the “D” river in Delaware. (False – Oregon. It’s only 120 feet long. It connects Devil’s lake to the nearby Pacific Ocean.)


  1. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die. (True)


  1. Arizona is the driest state in the U.S.. (False – Nevada. Each year it averages 7.5 inches of rain.)


  1. In Utah, it is illegal to swear in front of a dead person. (True)


  1. Salt Lake City, Utah has a law against carrying an unwrapped ukulele on the street. (True. ***MARLAR: Perhaps they are afraid someone might play it?)


  1. Arizona was the last of the 48 adjoining continental states to enter the Union. (True)


  1. It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Nevada. (False – Arizona)




You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!


A scientist in Idaho found a fossilized Bigfoot skull.

Ralph Barnkopf came by the West Coast offices of WWN and showed us a Bigfoot skull he found in the woods outside Boise.

“It’s a Bigfoot skull, for sure.  I’d bet my life on it,”  Ralph told WWN.

We contacted a number of Bigfoot experts.   Dr. Lee Blanton of Alberta, Canada confirmed that the Barnkopf skull was, indeed, a Bigfoot skull.

“I was looking for some fossils,” the 69-year-old “semi-retired” anthropologist told WWN, “and I was kind of drawn to something in the ground.”

It was a rock, sticking up out of the dirt.

“So I went and dug it out, and you couldn’t tell what it was ’cause the head was face down; all you could see was the back of it,” he said. “But when I dug it out you could see the face, perfect.”

The skull tips the scales at 70 pounds and is the first Bigfoot skull found in modern times.

“I’ve been tracking and watching for Bigfoot,” Barnkopf said. “I’m very curious, interested in that, and wanted to get footage on it ’cause I’ve ran across him a couple of times.”

“I think people need to be more aware, open their eyes and be more aware of what’s around us,” he said. “Because I think there’s a lot of ancient (things), and fossils and different things, around us that if people would just kind of open their eyes to they’d see that we walk past them every day.”





A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?”
The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question
until she hears you.”
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?”
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for supper?”
She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf goober!”



One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t you just go on and get lost.”

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this, let’s say we have a man making contest.”

To which the scientist replied, “OK, great!”

But God added, “Now, we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”

The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!”



An elderly woman walked into a country church. An usher greeted her at the door and asked, “Where would you like to sit?”

“The front row, please,” she answered.

“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “This minister is really boring.”

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.

“No,” he said.

“I’m the minister’s mother,” she replied.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked.

“No,” she said.

“Good,” he answered.




In Cyprus, a 2,500 year old coffin was found with painted scenes from Homer’s epics.  ***MARLAR: Homer?  Wow… The Simpsons really HAVE been around for a long time!


Builders us a measurement called R-value. It’s the amount of resistance to heat offered by a material and is useful in calculating its value as insulation. For example, wood siding has an R-value of 0.8. ***MARLAR: The movie industry uses a similar measurement, but in their case, it signifies how much heat the product is likely to generate.


Now that summer is here, camping will be a favorite past-time for many of you.  For the neophytes, to start a good campfire just follow these simple directions…

  • Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
  • Bandage left thumb.
  • Chop other fragments into smaller pieces.
  • Bandage left foot.
  • Make pile structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)
  • Light match.
  • Try to light match again.  Match may be damp.
  • Repeat (without swearing) “A scout is cheerful” and light match.
  • Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and putting your face close, blow gently into base of fire.
  • Apply burn ointment to nose.
  • When fire is burning, collect more wood.
  • Upon discovering that fire has gone out while searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled “kerosene.”
  • Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
  • Re-label can to read “gasoline.”
  • When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
  • When thunderstorm has passed, repeat steps above.
  • Maybe cheat by adding crumpled newspaper.





Imagine being paid to attend sporting events at your college! One school in Missouri did exactly that!
No word on whether they are still doing this or not, but in 2000, students at William Woods University could not only get scholarships for playing football, but could also get money for just watching football. The school in Fulton, Missouri, was concerned about their students’ lack school spirit, so they offered financial incentives for students to participate in school functions. Students who had contracted to attend school functions, received up to $5,000 a year in tuition breaks. Under the program students earned spirit points for attending sporting events, taking in an art exhibit, or even serving on student government. According to the dean of admissions at William Woods University, the program was in response to rising student apathy. ***MARLAR: They’re so excited they even changed the school cheers to, “We got
money, yes we do. We got cash, how ‘bout you?”





by Maise Sparks


  1. God can’t get tired.

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary.-Isaiah 40:28


  1. God can’t take on a job he can’t handle.

Ah, Lord God! Behold, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for you.-Jeremiah 32:17


  1. God can’t be unholy.

And one cried to another and said: “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts; the whole earth is full of his glory!”-Isaiah 6:3


  1. God can’t be prejudiced.

In truth I perceive that God shows no partiality. But in every nation whoever fears him and works righteousness is accepted by him.-Acts 10:34-35


  1. God can’t break a promise.

My covenant I will not break, nor alter the word that has gone out of my lips. -Psalm 89:34


  1. God can’t remember sins he’s chosen to forget.

I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake; and I will not remember your sins.-Isaiah 43:25


  1. God can’t make a loser.

Now thanks be to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ. -2 Corinthians 2:14


  1. God can’t abandon you.

Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, he is the one who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. -Deuteronomy 31:6


  1. God can’t stop thinking about you.

How precious also are your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; when I awake, I am still with you.-Psalm 139:17-18


  1. God can’t stop loving you.

Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.-Jeremiah 31:3





On my workbench, I have 3 friends, well 4 to be exact: WD-40, Liquid Wrench, Butane Quick Start and Carburetor Cleaner. And I am a “hands-on” kind of guy. For example, I hate these idiot lights on dashboards that only light up when there is trouble. I love it when the lawn mower starts at the first half-pull and jumper/booster cables are not necessary. The wheels of our push lawn mower gave out, so I substituted them with baby carriage wheels. It bothers me when my oldest daughter says, “Daddy can’t fix it no more.” Immediately, the looks of everyone says it all, “What happened?”
But it does happen that motors fail. A friend borrowed our car this past spring and the engine quit. The idiot light failed to go on at the right time. I turned the radiator cap and smelled, not anti-freeze but gasoline. Yes, the motor had overheated and had to be replaced. Recently, an expensive electric motor to the tune of $500 gave out. Adding to my woes, our 15-year-old lawn mower’s belt and magnito switch were replaced but as I tried starting the machine, nothing happened. Indeed, something was wrong with our lawn mower–it was toast.
Girls may call it a bad hair day. The practical say, “That’s life, buddy.” D.L. Stewart writes in Wayne Rice’s booklet, Understanding Your Teenager, “As a man and father, our children look at us as strong, confident, never feeling pain or fear. There wasn’t a leaky faucet he couldn’t fix or an engine that he couldn’t get running again.
Mechanics never fooled him, salesmen never conned him. He was always calm in emergencies, always cool under fire. He never cried. But why do the faucets now drip twice as fast? Why do engines that sputtered before we started working on them go stone-dead under our wrench?”
Men are not always what we make ourselves out to be. Mothers tend to be honest, cry, are close to the surface, do not pretend. But the male species has to know exactly where we are going, where the fuses are, why the sump pump doesn’t work, when brake shoes need to be replaced and be able to repair the flat tire. But somehow,
this father, like many others, is scared, foolishly weak, and at times, just wants to put his head under the pillow and cry. Perhaps one day I will tell my daughter this, on Father’s Day or a birthday.
In the meantime, this father, this man, takes ample comfort in a few verses from Colossians 1. Verse 17 says, “God is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.” So I will take comfort that He is there, and everything will work out under His plans, His timing, His schedule. For me this is why being a Christian gives me so much more assurance that I may be foolishly weak but my Father is in control. I may hide my head under the pillow but there is a rainbow of promise on the distant horizon; He doesn’t mind my tears of frustration. My four friends on my workbench may run dry but He will never run out on me.





The latest fashion trend with teens in Norway? Wearing airline equipment!
Teenagers in Norway are stealing airplane seat belts to keep up their baggy pants. Thieves are able to uncouple the two-part belts from the seats without tools, join the two parts together at the back and then use them as belts for their pants. Braathens Airways said it was trying to find ways to fix the belts more securely. An average of five belts a day are stolen. Braathens, which operates mainly on domestic routes and has about 400 flights daily, cannot easily trace belt thieves since it does not allocate seats on domestic flights. ***MARLAR: How many of you are actually relieved that there’s a new teen fashion trend that actually keeps kids pants UP?!





Yesterday we celebrated the birth of our country. And this country began with a bill of rights. Unfortunately, many people seem to be a bit confused as to what rights the Bill of Rights really gives us.

…We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone — not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots and probably always will be.

You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; don’t sue the tool manufacturer and expect them to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.

You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won’t have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

And finally, you do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness — which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.





When is it a good thing for a janitor not to clean up graffiti? When it’s not really graffiti.
A janitor at a Washington state high school got a little carried away while cleaning. The maintenance man at Ferris High School in Spokane wiped away a wall of graffiti. Except it wasn’t graffiti, it was mural dedicated to the graduating class. Dawn Hunter, who spent over 60 hours painting the aft by aft mural, walked in on the janitor who thought he was just doing his job. The manager of Spokane school district’s downtown maintenance office apologized for the mistake and offered Hunter a sheet of wood on which to redo the art work. The school has offered to hang it in the senior hall, complete with a plaque. Hunter is taking the mistake in stride. “I feel this is going to be a positive message for kids. Bad things happen in life, but you keep going. You can’t give up.” ***MARLAR: An embarrassed janitor asked, “That stuff on the bathroom walls – is that art too?”





  • You order a Double Whopper and he says, “Hey, my name ain’t Rockefeller, honey!”
  • You’ve never heard someone speak with such passion about an ant farm.
  • Your dinner reservations are under, “Loser, party of 2.”
  • He’s especially proud of how long he can sustain a burp.
  • Calls to tell you he’ll pick you up, just as soon as the stand off with the police is over.
  • He’s been on Judge Judy and Jerry Springer, twice.
  • When he picks you up he asks you to try not to get your heels stuck in the spokes…
  • He says, “You want to order dessert? Mom said it was okay to spend my entire allowance this week!”




  • You catch her giving her phone number to the guy cleaning your windshield.
  • She keeps calling you “Bachelor Number Two.”
  • She says, “Whoa! Is it 7:15 already?”
  • She transitions the conversation by saying, “That’s enough about me. What do you think about me?”
  • She comments, “My last boyfriend is there on the mantle… in the urn.”
  • She challenges you to arm wrestle while calling you “little fella?”
  • She lunges at you several times with her spork.





(msn.com) Food companies pay a small fortune to supermarkets for prime display space, including eye-level shelves and “end caps”, or displays at the end of aisles. If you want to save money, check out the higher and lower shelves for less-pricey and store-brand items.  Also concentrate your spending around the perimeter of the store, where the basics of produce, dairy and meat are sold.  The interior features the stuff that’s more profitable, including highly processed and “convenience” food.




(Mondays Only)




(Wednesdays only; The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)




(None On The Weekends)


WQXR, “The Cool Breeze




A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there’s a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn’t know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our oil is located in: Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, North Dakota, Wyoming, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania and Texas.  Our dipsticks are located in Washington, D.C.  –Jeff Hess




Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).


JULY 01, 2015…


Terminator Genisys—This update to the “Terminator” film series goes between three time periods and has Emilia Clarke (“Game of Thrones”) as Sarah Connor with Jai Courtney (“Child 44”) as Kyle Reese. Yes, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is also in the film along with Jason Clarke. The human race still needs saving and robots are still there. “Terminator Genisys” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans. He’s back.


Magic Mike XXL—This July 4th weekend has something for everyone. Science fiction fans and fans of guys who dance in bars. Here comes a sequel to Channing Tatum’s “Magic Mike”  Time has passed and the guys are headed to a strip convention in South Carolina. Jada Pinkett Smith (“Gotham”) owns a strip club  and Michael Strahan works for her. The cast includes Matt Bormer and Joe Manganiello. “Magic Mike XXL” is rated a definite R. Rating of 3 for fans and you know who are.


JULY 10, 2015…


Self/Less is a science fiction thriller starring Ryan Reynolds and Ben Kingsley about mind transplant..


The Bronze (opening in select cities) is a comedy with Melissa Rauch (“Big Bang Theory”) and Gary Cole.


Minions (at last!) is an animated film about the little characters from the “Despicable Me” films. Much cuteness.One of the voices is Sandra Bullock.


Jimmy’s Hall (opening in select cities) is an Irish drama about a verdict without a trial.


The Gallows is a story about a haunting in a school. It’s horror film time again.


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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.