July 08, 2016: Friday ONAIRprep

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Daily Dose of Weird News2ONAIRprep is now offering FREE OF CHARGE a sponsor-free customized Daily Dose of Weird News – tagged with your station or show info! Just email darren@onairprep.com (use the subject line “Customized DDWN”) with your ONAIRprep username, station call letters, and then the verbiage you want used at the end of each episode! EXAMPLE: “For Daily Dose of Weird News, I’m Darren Marlar and this is your station for Positive Hit Music and Johnny Jock in the mornings – 109.9, THE MIX!” A dry version of the news is also available if you want to produce your own version! Dry version and customized cuts available via FTP. Login info below to get set up:
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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160708

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Tomorrow’s (next week’s) show is going to be so great I may go home and listen to it myself.  As for today, well, you’re already listening so you might as well stick around.

 

So many people cook brats during the summer months.  How badly do your children have to behave before you consider them brats and throw them on the grill?  (When they are at their wurst!)

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world. –John 16:33

 

Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away. (Spoken by Jesus.) — Matthew 24:35

 

I will show the holiness of my great name, which has been profaned among the nations, the name you have profaned among them. Then the nations will know that I am the LORD, declares the Sovereign LORD, when I show myself holy through you before their eyes. — Ezekiel 36:23

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. — Matthew 6:6

 

Thought: Prayer is an incredible invitation from God to share with him what is on our hearts. Even when we don’t have words to say, he helps us through his Spirit in those moments. This incredibly intimate conversation, sustained by the very precious Spirit of God within us, must never be debased by crass showmanship or pride. Prayer is not done to prove our piety, but to deepen our relationship with Almighty God!

 

Prayer: Abba Father, thank you so much for the incredible gift of prayer. Thank you for listening to both my words and my heart. Thank you for being near and not far off. Forgive me when I don’t call upon you as often as I should, or when I take your gracious listening ear for granted. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Matthew 7:8 NIV = For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

 

 

TODAY IS FRIDAY – JULY 08, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 169 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

This is MOSQUITO WEEK.  ***MARLAR: Like we don’t feed them enough the rest of the summer, eh?

 

Today is DON’T PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE OMELET DAY.  ***MARLAR: I understood the idea of not placing all of my eggs in one basket – but all of my eggs in one omelet?  Like I’m going to use a dozen eggs for single breakfast item?

 

Today is CRACKS IN THE SIDEWALK DAY, a day not to step on any cracks – not because it’s bad luck, but just to see if you can do it.  ***MARLAR: Remember that old saying, “Step on a crack and break your mother’s back?” How is that a deterrent? Every time I was grounded I found myself looking for dilapidated sidewalks.

 

This is NATIONAL AWARENESS WEEK FOR LIFESAVING TECHNIQUES.  ***MARLAR: I remember in high school how we had to take a CPR class to be ready to save lives… and they made me give artificial respiration to a mannequin that didn’t have any arms or legs. It wasn’t until the day of my wedding that I even dared kissing a woman after that. And that was only after rubbing her mouth with alcohol.

 

EGGCEPTIONAL PERSONALITY TEST

On average Americans eat 100 eggs per year. Our favorite breakfast: 53 percent say eggs on Sunday morning. According to Dr. Beryl West, how you like your eggs reveals a lot about your personality:

  • Sunny-side up — You are an optimist and easy going.
  • Hard-boiled — You’re a no-nonsense type. You’re quick to form opinions.
  • Soft-boiled — You’re gentle, sensitive, neat – but you’re not always easy to please.
  • Scrambled — You’re agreeable and very steady. You go with the flow.
  • Over easy — You are very precise. You know exactly what you want out of life.
  • Poached — You are very orderly – you don’t like to see anything out of its place
  • Omelets — You enjoy taking risks.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Coca-Cola Day

Collector Car Appreciation Day

Math 2.0 Day

SCUD Day (Savor the Comic, Unplug the Drama)

Taos Pueblo Pow Wow

Wayne Chicken Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SATURDAY, JULY 09

Bald Is In

Body Painting Day

Carver Day

Grange Day

Martyrdom of the Bab

 

SUNDAY, JULY 10

Clerihew Day

Don’t Step On a Bee Day

Pina Colada Day

Teddy Bears’ Picnic Day

 

MONDAY, JULY 11

Bowdler’s Day

Cheer Up The Lonely Day

Day of The Five Billion

International Town Criers Day

National Rainier Cherries Day

Slurpee Day (7-11’s Birthday)

World Population Day

 

TUESDAY, JULY 12

Chick-fil-A’s Cow Appreciation Day

Night of Nights

Simplicity Day

 

WEDNESDAY, JULY 13

Embrace Your Geekness Day

Gruntled Workers Day

National French Fries Day

World Cup Soccer Day

 

THURSDAY, JULY 14

International Nude Day

National Macaroni and Cheese Day

Shark Awareness Week ***Because you didn’t get enough on the Discovery Channel.

 

FRIDAY, JULY 15

Be a Dork Day

Gummi Worm Day

National Give Something Away Day

National Pet Fire Safety Day

Saint Swithin’s Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1792: The Presbyterian pioneer of congressional singing, Lowell Mason, was born. He composed the music for a thousand hymns, including “Nearer My God to Thee,” “Blest Be the Tie That Binds,” and “When I Survey the Wondrous Cross.”

 

1932: The low point in the Great Depression came when the Dow Jones Industrial Average bottomed out at 41.22.

 

1958: The Recording Industry Association of America presented the first gold record album. The soundtrack “Oklahoma” had reached one million dollars in sales. The first gold single had been presented four months earlier for Perry Como’s “Catch a Falling Star,” meaning the single had sold one million copies.

 

1969: The U.S. government issued a patent for the game “Twister.”

 

1974: Tracey Ann Sawyers and Lee Williams were married before 250 witnesses at the Sunshine Park Nudist Camp in New Jersey. The Rev. Ulas Mays and a reporter were the only ones wearing clothes.

 

1977: A copy of Marvel Comics #1 sold at a New York City convention of comic book collectors for $7,500. ***MARLAR: Well, Shazam!

 

1980: Jello Biafra filed as a candidate for mayor of San Francisco. Jello, Klaus Flouride, and Ray Valium made up the punk group The Dead Kennedys. Jello was not elected.

 

1992: “Melrose Place” debuted on the Fox Network. At first a “lesson” drama, it evolved into a soap opera. (

)

 

1995: With his own gravelly voice blaring from a boombox, disc jockey Wolfman Jack was buried in Belvidere, North Carolina. The gravestone displayed his real name, Robert Weston Smith, and the words, “One more time!” (

)

 

1995: A Taiwan policeman, in debt from gambling on video games, was arrested after trying to rob a bank with a toy gun. Huang Hsin-min ditched the gun and a coat near the bank. The coat had his name in it.

 

1997: The Mayo Clinic warned that the diet drug “fen-phen” could cause heart and lung damage.

 

1997: County music’s Marty Stuart and Connie Smith were married.

 

1997: Poland, Hungary, and the Czech Republic joined the North Atlantic Treaty Organization.

 

2003: Doctors in Singapore separated two 29-year-old Iranian sisters who had been joined at the head since birth but the women died during the 54-hour operation.

 

2004: Enron founder and former chairman Kenneth Lay pleaded innocent in Houston to charges related to the company’s collapse. He was convicted in 2006. He died of heart disease in July 2006 while his case was on appeal.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1115: French monk Peter the Hermit dies. Several argue that Peter the Hermit launched the crusades. Supposedly, he visited Jerusalem on a pilgrimage in 1093 and returned to Pope Urban II with a plea to do something to stop the Muslims from harassing Christian pilgrims. Two years later Urban II pronounced the First Crusade at the Council of Clermont and Peter the Hermit became one of the crusade’s dominant preachers. After leading a failed “pre-crusade” in which Muslims slaughtered his entire army of 20,000 peasants, Peter joined the main army of the First Crusade.

 

1741: Colonial Congregational minister Jonathan Edwards preaches his classic sermon at Enfield, Connecticut: “You are thus in the hands of an angry God; ’tis nothing but his mere pleasure that keeps you from being this moment swallowed up in everlasting destruction”.

 

1896: At the Democratic National Convention, fundamentalist William Jennings Bryan gives his famous speech supporting “the little man” of American life. “You shall not crucify mankind upon a cross of gold,” he shouted.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • Actress (“One Tree Hill”) Sophia Bush, 34 (
    )
  • Actor (Almost Famous, Big Fish) Billy Crudup, 48
  • Actor (A Few Good Men, Apollo 13, Footloose, Hollow Man, X-Men: First Class, Mystic River) Kevin Bacon, 58
  • Comedian/writer (“SNL,” “Daily Show”) A. Whitney Brown, 64
  • Actress (The Royal Tenenbaums, The Life Aquatic, Addams Family) Anjelica Huston, 65
  • Actor (“Larry Sanders,” “Arrested Development”) Jeffrey Tambor, 72 (
    )

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1908 : Louis Jordan

1914 : Billy Eckstine

1932 : Jerry Vale

1935 : Steve Lawrence

1944 : Jai Johanny Johanson (The Allman Brothers Band)

1961 : Toby Keith

1961 : Andy Fletcher (Depeche Mode)

1963 : Joan Osborne

1970 : Beck

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do they turn off the cabin lights on planes before takeoff?

I could understand it if they did that whenever they served food, airline cuisine being what it is. Or if this was just another way they were cutting service, saving a few pennies on electric power. It would even make sense to dim the lights when someone is airsick. Who wants to look at THAT?  But for takeoffs? Why? All the better for you to see the sights outside, folks. There’s nothing technical about it, and it’s that simple. At night, especially, the lights are quite pretty, particularly once you’re airborne and you can see them sparkle all over the city. You say you’re sitting in an aisle seat? Crane your neck.  So why don’t they do blackouts for landings? Because people then are more concerned with getting their stuff together for departure. And how else would you see the attendants’ insincere smiles when they thank you for flying with them?

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Casting Crowns Mark Hall says the struggle is real. He posted: Love when the lights automatically go out when I’m in the restroom. Waving my arms never seems to turn them back on.

 

Question of the day from Jamie Grace: Where do clothes go? Sometimes I see pictures of myself from like 5 years ago and wonder, “Where is that blazer?!”

 

Matt Maher recently shared the following quote from his son Conor: “Dad! We look the same! Except our shirts don’t match, or our pants and we don’t look alike. But we are both human!”

 

Question of the day from Kutless: What did you connect with the most at church yesterday (Sunday)?

 

Advice from Britt Nicole: Love God. Love people.

 

Question of the day from Kutless: What are three things that you are grateful for today?

 

A thought from Jonny Diaz: I don’t understand why Olympic swimming has different strokes. Imagine if they did this for running. “Nice 100m dash… now do it backwards.”

 

Want to time travel? Join Moriah Peters, her band, and the members of for King and Country as they time travel from Nashville to Arizona and back in less than 60 seconds via a time lapse video.

http://instagram.com/p/BHIsbwbAmRV/

 

Mac Powell says he gets nothing but the best snacks for the band when they are recording a new album. Attached was a picture featuring a wide variety of pop, m&m’s Cheez-its and chips.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BHNh9_Uj-jC/

 

A bit of trivia about Kutless member James Mead. he posted this week: For some of you, this will blow your mind: I do not have AC in my house. However, keep in mind that James lives in Oregon.

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Donald Trump told “The Cincinnati Enquirer” in an exclusive Wednesday night that Saddam Hussein is worthy of praise because he killed terrorists “at a very high level.”  ***Are we sure Trump actually wants to be President and isn’t just looking for a way to throw the election?

 

After a suspect led police on a manhunt in Brazos County, Texas officers were able to apprehend him with the help of some cows who tipped them off. While evading officers, 24-year-old Samuel White allegedly hit another car and crashed into a field before running away on foot. Authorities say that White was eventually found laying in a nearby field. They say they found White after some cows gave up his hiding spot by standing and staring at him as he hid in the tall grass.  *** Who needs cop sirens when you’ve got cow horns?  http://on.mash.to/28xdpTi

 

Scientists are working on a treatment that they say may extend the lives of dogs.  *** Notice they don’t say by how much… probably because even scientists can’t figure out the dog-years-to-human-years ratio.

 

Corporations can now sponsor US National Parks and monuments.  ***Visit Joshua Tree National Park – sponsored by Bono!  And be sure to stop by the Trump Badlands!  Hey, maybe we can expand this and get Taco Bell to sponsor the wall between the U.S. and Mexico!  Run for the border… than slam right into it!

 

Doctors in India have replaced a 12-year-old boy’s damaged nose with a new one which was grown on his forehead. The boy’s nose was badly damaged and disfigured when he suffered from pneumonia as a baby. More than a decade later a team of surgeons moved the 12-year-old’s new nose from his forehead to where his deformed and damaged nose had been. The process of growing the nose took about a year.  ***During that time he was able to trim his nose hairs by getting a haircut.

 

A man in a fake beard attempted to rob a SunTrust bank in Rockville, Virginia recently. He walked into the bank wearing a hoodie and a fake beard, which kept falling off.  ***Apparently he needed to rob the bank because he couldn’t afford to buy any spirit gum to keep his beard from falling off.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

57% of women say they’d rather be rich than maintain their ideal weight forever.  ***MARLAR: Well, duh.  If you’re rich you can buy liposuction!

 

For years, cranberry juice has been touted as the natural way to prevent and treat bladder and urinary tract infections (UTI). But a comprehensive review of studies has found the claims have been overhyped.   Certain sugars and a type of enzyme called flavanol found in cranberries have been thought to prevent infections by keeping bacteria from clinging to cells in the urinary tract.   Results from a review of 24 studies that included nearly 5,000 people suggest that cranberry juice may only be helpful in a select few women.  ***MARLAR: So a cup of Cran-Apple a day WON’T keep the doctor away.

 

While easy to blame Facebook for feeling disconnected, an article in the Relevant Magazine says quitting social media altogether might not be the answer. According to the article, social media didn’t invent jealousy or time-wasting. The problem isn’t Facebook. The problem is us.  ***MARLAR: Well, actually, the problem is YOU.  Yeah… YOU.  If you’d stop posting that really awesome and interesting stuff maybe the rest of us wouldn’t waste so much time and energy being jealous of you!

 

It’s a decision that millions of Americans face every morning: to take, or not to take, that multivitamin. Now a study of almost 15,000 men over 50 suggests popping that daily supplement could cut cancer rates by 8-percent.  ***MARLAR: Unfortunately, swallowing giant multivitamin pills also increases by 8-percent your chance of choking to death.

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Two Percent Milk”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Rich Praytor, “Puberty”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD FRIDAY EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle, Gruffy Bear insisted on looking at picnic spot after picnic spot after picnic spot in order to find the perfect place to have an ultimate picnic.  Unfortunately, he wasn’t listening to anybody else’s opinions, and everyone else is tired, hungry, and they’ve had enough…

 

CLOSE: All of this over finding a nice place for a picnic?  Find out what happens next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JULY 09/10

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, Marvy Snuffleson has been sent to his room for not playing with the new kid in the neighborhood – but then his bed was washed up on the sea and he’s now ashore a beautiful jungle island… and he’s already met the Beach Birds, and now he’s face to face with big 15ft hairy creatures – except for the shorter ones!

 

CLOSE: Well, at least we know who the creatures are now… they’re Razzleflabbins!  But will Marvy be stuck on Razzleflabbin Island forever?  Tune in again next time for more of our story – As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Christopher Leach Conner was upset that the “open box” monitor he purchased from a Maryland Best Buy was incomplete.  Rather than be responsible and courteous about it, he committed a Moment of Duh.

“Open box” items are electronics goods that have either been previously returned or used as floor-display models.  In Conner’s case, the monitor came without a power cord, software, manual or warranty.  So he tossed a ream of copier paper into the box the monitor came in, then threw some other papers in for good measure.  He then went back to Best Buy saying there was no monitor in the box.  He threw such a fit; they gave him a new monitor for free.  But the store’s manager spotted something among the papers in the returned box: Conner’s resume.  Police went to his home, got back the new monitor and charged Conner with misdemeanor theft.

 

 

TOP TEN

THE TEN MOST POPULAR TYPES OF SUMMER RECREATION IN THE U.S.

 

  1. visiting zoos, aquariums, fairs, and carnivals

 

  1. picnicking

 

  1. automobile driving for pleasure

 

  1. walking or jogging

 

  1. swimming

 

  1. travel

 

  1. watching sports events

 

  1. participating in sports and games

 

  1. fishing

 

  1. taking nature walks

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

The files of Law & Disorder take us to Duesseldorf, Germany today… and to the home of someone doing his best to stay on a diet.

 

FILE #1: In Duesseldorf, Germany a criminal mastermind had the misfortune to break into the house of a dieter late one evening recently. As the burglar was going through the house he worked up a hunger and opened the refrigerator door. That’s when his troubles really began. To discourage snacking the homeowner had equipped the refrigerator door with an alarm that went off whenever the door was opened. That alarm also seems to discourage criminal geniuses as well, because by the time the homeowner made it from the bedroom to the kitchen to investigate, the burglar was long gone.

 

FILE #2: A bandit tried to hold up a Jacksonville, Florida, supermarket wearing a paper bag over his head with eyeholes cut so he could see. But when he moved, the bag shifted and he couldn’t see. While he adjusted the bag it tore, exposing his face. Which a checker recognized as one of the store’s regular customers.

 

FILE #3: From Buffalo, New York comes the story of a man who didn’t let the city’s recent seven foot snowfall keep him from his appointed rounds. Larry Carl figured this might be just the time to steal something nice for the home. Don’t know where he found it but he was seen walking down one of the snowy streets dragging a grandfather clock. Not surprisingly, this raised the suspicion of neighbors who called the cops. By the time the cops caught up to him, he had stolen something else to make his job easier. He had placed the clock in a large city garbage can with wheels and was rolling his prize down the street. Shouldn’t have done that. He’s been charged with theft of city property in addition to the theft of the clock.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Iowa, kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

Stealing right in front of the police is either a really gutsy move, or your brain is on drugs.

Authorities said a man walking through a security checkpoint at a Pinellas courthouse tried to steal an expensive watch, just feet from deputies. The sheriff’s office reported that a man who had emptied his pockets to walk through a metal detector Monday complained that his $1,000 Wittnauer watch was gone.  Deputies played back a surveillance video and identified a 53-year-old man as the person who took the watch. He was located in a courtroom, attending a pretrial hearing for a charge of selling cocaine. Deputies searched him and reported finding the watch.  The suspect was arrested and charged with grand theft. He was later released on $5,000 bail.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

(See today’s “Inspirational Inspiration” below.)  What mid-year resolutions do you think you should make for your life?

 

If you were given one entire day all to yourself to do whatever you wanted….what would you spend your day doing?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who lived to be 969 old?

ANSWER: Methuselah (Genesis 5:27)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How many lines does the Japanese national anthem have?

ANSWER: Only four lines.  Conversely, the Greek anthem runs 158 verses.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

  1. No matter where you stand in Michigan, you are never more than 85 miles from a Great Lake. (True)

 

  1. The first license plate on a car in the United States was issued in Joliet, Illinois. (False – Denver, Colorado in 1908)

 

  1. The “Dull Men’s Hall of Fame” is located in Carroll, Wisconsin. (True)

 

  1. Washington D.C. is the murder capital of the U.S. (False, it’s Gary, Indiana – and it’s probably the murder capital of the world)

 

  1. Alabama was the first state to recognize Christmas as an official holiday. (True)

 

  1. Michigan was the first state to have roadside picnic tables. (True)

 

  1. In 1997, Arkansas became the 16th state to allow the blind to hunt. (False, Michigan)

 

  1. The official beverage of Ohio is tomato juice. (True)

 

  1. 84% of a raw apple is water. (True)

 

  1. A pineapple is a fruit. (False – it’s a berry)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Smudge of _____ Sells For Over $1500!”  (CHRIST)


In Forest, Virginia, Deb Serio found an oil stain on her garage floor that she decided looked pretty much like the face of Jesus. So she sold it on eBay — for $1,525.69! She received hundreds of messages from around the world from people interested in the “smudge of Christ”. A contractor will remove the section of concrete and the slab will then be delivered to the winner of the online auction.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson’s arrival, it caused a sensation.  All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, “I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself.”

And the boss said, “And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?”

 

JOKE #2

A woman enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.”

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the woman seems to have a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The woman promptly replies, “Fifteen inches.”

“Fifteen inches?” asked the salesman. “That sounds very small – what room are they for?”

The woman tells him that they aren’t for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, “But miss, computers do not need curtains!”

The woman says, “Hellllooooooooo! I’ve got Windoooooows!”

 

JOKE #3

A minister in a little church was having trouble with the collections.  One Sunday he announced, “Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin’s hen house please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn’t want money from a thief!”

The collection plate was passed around and, for the first time in months, everybody gave.

 

 

USELESS FACTS

A driving test center in Britain has closed because candidates are spending their exams stuck in traffic jams and examiners are frustrated at not being able to test candidates properly spending up to 30 minutes stuck in traffic of the 40 minute test. ***MARLAR: Are they kidding? If the driver can keep their patience that long without taking a hammer to somebody’s windshield they should be given their license immediately!

 

A Georgia couple win BIG. Chuck Hill won $5,000 in the state lottery, only to be outdone by his wife a week later. Karen Hill’s scratch-off ticket was worth a whopping $1 million. ***MARLAR: Local casinos have preemptively banned the Hill family for life.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

FINALLY

A man was sleeping when his wife shook him and said, “Wake up, someone is breaking in!”
The man had gone through this almost every night for 20 years, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out.
This time, however, there was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house.
As the thief was about to flee the man said, “You have to come with me and meet my wife.”
The thief said, “Why would you want me to meet your wife?”
The man replied, “Well, she’s been expecting you for 20 years.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

Next time you’re in Columbia, take it easy on the gossiping.

The town of Icononzo has made it illegal to gossip! No kidding! Under the law, malicious gossiping can now be punished with up to a $75,000 fine or four years in prison. A city spokesman said, “People should be aware that using their tongues to speak evil is the same as having dynamite in your mouth.” The town’s mayor, Jesus Ignacio Jimenez defended the new law saying, “What worries me is the amount of people going to prison or being killed because of gossip.”

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

HOW ABOUT SUMMER RESOLUTIONS?

(After 6 months of not keeping the new year’s ones)
Give up complaining . . . focus on gratitude.
Give up pessimism . . . become an optimist.
Give up harsh judgments . . . think kind thoughts.
Give up worry . . . trust divine providence.
Give up discouragement . . . be full of hope.
Give up bitterness . . . turn to forgiveness.
Give up hatred . . . return good for evil.
Give up negativism . . . be positive.
Give up anger . . . practice patience.
Give up pettiness . . . put on maturity.
Give up jealousy . . . pray for trust.
Give up gossiping . . . control your tongue.
Give up sin. . . . turn to virtue.

Give up gloom. . . enjoy the beauty that is all around you.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

GOD IS LISTENING

Read: Psalm 139

There is not a word on my tongue, but behold, O Lord, You know it altogether. —Psalm 139:4

When Scottish theologian John Baillie taught at Edinburgh University, he made it a practice to open his course on the doctrine of God with these words: “We must remember, in discussing God, that we cannot talk about Him without His hearing every word we say. We may be able to talk about others behind their backs, but God is everywhere, yes, even in this classroom. Therefore, in all our discussions we must be aware of His infinite presence, and talk about Him, as it were, before His face.”

The knowledge that the Lord is everywhere should have an impact on what we say. David, thinking of the everywhere-present God, declared, “There is not a word on my tongue, but behold, O Lord, You know it altogether” (Psalm 139:4).

Lies, gossip, unkind remarks, off-color jokes, angry words, vulgar comments, and disrespectful use of the Lord’s name should never come from our lips. Rather, we should speak only those things that God approves of. Our desire should be the same as David’s passionate prayer in Psalm 19, “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer” (v.14).

Remember, God is listening. —Richard De Haan

 

From others we can hide some things
We’ve thought and said and done;
We cannot hide them from the Lord,
He knows them, every one. —Cooper

 

Every word we say on earth is heard in heaven.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

MOW DOWN THOSE POUNDS!

A man decides to lose weight… by mowing people’s lawns!

A Minnesota man who started cutting grass to lose weight has had so many offers for work that another man decided to help out. 44-year-old Darrell Nelson placed an ad online saying he would mow lawns for free in his quest to lose 50 pounds. He had hoped to mow five lawns a week — four others plus his own. But his ad got quite a response –including offers for dates from three women. He soon bumped his lawn-mowing up to six yards and started a backup list. Now he’s mowing eight lawns, seven days a week. Terry Betthauser, Nelson’s Friday customer, decided that since he didn’t really need his own lawn mowed, he would help two people that Nelson couldn’t fit into his schedule. By the end of the mowing season, Nelson hopes to be at 208 pounds, from a high of 258. He’s already lost 23.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

RUNNING FROM CANCER

Not only does exercise help you to lose weight and increase your heart health, but according to some experts it can also help you cut the risk of cancer!
A new study suggests adults who are regularly active, whether through exercise or work, are less likely to develop a range of cancers. The study followed 80,000 Japanese adults for up to 10 years.  Researchers discovered that regularly active men and women had lower risks of developing any type of cancer. When they looked at specific types of cancer, they found that exercise was linked to lower risks of colon, liver, pancreatic and stomach cancers. They also found the protective effect was strongest among normal-weight men and women.  Yep.  Another excuse to get your butt out of that office chair and get some blood flowing.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

THE PORK RIND DIET

Want to try out a new diet?  How about pork rinds?

There’s a whole new way to diet without having to eat rice cakes or drink SlimFast.  Just grab yourself a bag of pork rinds and watch the pounds melt away! The idea behind the pork rind diet is that cutting out carbohydrates lowers blood sugar levels, thus triggering insulin production which burns fat for fuel. One lady says that by eating 2 bags of pork rinds a week for two months helped her shed 17 pounds. Nutritionists are warning, however, that an all-fat diet can lead to heart and kidney disease, but it isn’t stopping the US sales of pork rinds. The fad has helped the snack become the country’s fastest growing snack.

 

 

FUN LIST

TOP FIVE SIGNS THAT SUMMER IS ALMOST OVER

  • Your lawnmower quit working (okay, it’s just out of gas but why bother filling it up?).
  • You’ve now seen that one rerun of “2-1/2 Men” four times.
  • The sandal tan lines on your feet are starting to fade.
  • Every day on the Dr. Phil show, he spends the entire hour trying to cheer up teachers.
  • Wal-Mart has the Christmas stuff out.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

If being in love has ever made you do something silly or stupid, there could be scientific reasoning behind that…

…A study at the University of London shows love often makes people forget facts and lose their concentration. Brain scans on volunteers showed the areas responsible for memory and concentration became less active when they were shown pictures of their loved ones. ***MARLAR: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways… 1… 2… 3…, uh, 3… uh… I’m sorry, what was your name again?

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

A girl in Cumberland, Maine, got the surprise of a lifetime when she heard from a fisherman in Spain who had found her message in a bottle that she tossed into the Atlantic Ocean three years ago. According to Yahoo News, Terra Gallo, now 14, was visiting her aunt who lives on the secluded Monhegan Island in June 2013 when they decided to release about 10 bottles with messages enclosed into the water to see where they’d turn up. Years had passed and the family had forgotten about their bottles until an unfamiliar letter arrived in the mail this past weekend. The bottle had traveled about more than 3,200 miles before being found by the fisherman in Spain.  http://abcn.ws/289xTRZ

 

In an act of kindness, students at a Virginia school received buzz cuts last month in support of a 7-year-old peer battling cancer. According to ABC News, Noah Cross is a second-grader at St. Edward-Epiphany Catholic School in Richmond, Virginia. He was diagnosed with leukemia on May 11. In response the school set it up so Noah would have a teacher visit his home daily, so long as he felt up to it. In addition, the school created “Buzz Cuts for Noah” — a fundraiser that had Noah’s teachers and peers gather to shave their heads to raise donations for his medical bills. The event raised $2,500 for Noah. A total of 37 students, from second-to-eighth grade, received buzz cuts.  http://abcn.ws/1XX26il

 

Do you and your spouse need a quick getaway?  There are six signs that you do indeed – and Mark Merrill has some suggestions on how to fix it!

  1. Your dates, or any snippets of time alone, are more like family business meetings.
  2. You can’t remember the last time you did anything spontaneous together.
  3. You can’t remember the last time you woke up next to your spouse with no kids around.
  4. You haven’t spent time alone, in each other’s presence, with nothing to do but just chill out.
  5. You have a sense of lost purpose in your marriage.
  6. You keep waiting for the ideal getaway circumstances to emerge in your schedule, and it never does.

Get some helpful getaway tips for your marriage at http://bit.ly/20TBsWT

 

Is your life out of control? You might want to check out the latest blog from Focus on the Family President Jim Daly. It’s titled: Finding Rest When Life Gets Too Busy. If you just thought; “I’m to busy to read a blog” then it’s probably written just for you. http://ow.ly/pufG3012JSh

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

And now, fair maids and maidens, tis the boding moment of farewelling. Pray thee push thou my tune-in button on the morrow, or a crone with a wart on her nose will cast a spell on your Ultra Slim Fast.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

JULY 08, 2016…

 

Captain Fantastic—The story is set in a wilderness where Viggio Mortensen has settled to raise a family. When there is a dramatic event, he has to pull the family together and go for help. Another reason not to live miles and miles from a road.  “Captain Fantastic” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

The Secret Life Of Pets—So, you think your pet sleeps all day when you aren’t there?  Ha!  Think again. In this animated film, the pets of a certain household live together well, until the owner rescues another dog and then things go awry fast.  Voices of Lake Bell, Louis C. K., Bobby Moynihan, Eric Stonestreet and Kevin Hart. I remember two Pekes who had memorable lives when their owners weren’t home. “The Secret Life Of Pets” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for pet fans.

 

Mike And Dave Need Wedding Dates—Mike and David (actually Zac Efron and Adam Devine) are brothers who need dates for their sister’s wedding.  To find girls, they put an ad on the Internet.  They find two girls alright, but the girls are wild party-types who proceed to destroy most everything around. Not such a bright idea. “Mike And Dave Need Wedding Dates” is rated R. No rating.

 

Zero Days (documentary)—This is a film about the making and use of the Malware Worm Stuxnet, that was used against Iranian defense. Supposedly made in the U.S.? Director is Alex Gibney. “Zero Days” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

JULY 15, 2016…

 

Equals is set in a society where emotions are not allowed. Stars Kirsten Stewart.

 

Ghostbusters renews itself with a female cast as they proceed to hunt evil spirits in the Big City. Stars Melissa McCarthy and Kristen Wiig. Who actually needed a remake?

 

The Infiltrator has Bryan Cranston (in a true story) playing someone who is trying to go into the Escobar family and find the drug money trail.

 

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WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.