July 11, 2015: Saturday ONAIRprep

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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150711

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I have to do a good job today – just to be safe. I saw in the hallway that the boss brought his pellet gun again.

 

My boss at the radio station said no to giving me a raise. Gotta find another source of income. How much earwax would I have to save before opening up my own candle store?

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions.”  –Mark 11:25

 

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. — Ephesians 3:20-21

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

In him [Jesus our Lord] and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence. — Ephesians 3:12

 

Thought: In Christ we are given so many freedoms — freedom from law, sin, death, etc. But one of the greatest freedoms we have is to boldly come before the Creator of the universe, the God of all time and creation, and speak openly and confidently with him. Incredibly, we mortals can enter God’s world with our problems and be confident that he hears us and cares about our concerns.

 

Prayer: Almighty and most holy God, I know that without your grace and attentive care my requests to you would go unheeded. But I also am confident that because I am your child, my requests matter to you. Thank you for hearing my prayers each day. Thank you for caring about my concerns. Thank you for being patient with my impatience and tender with my frustrations. Most of all, Father, thank you for the freedom to do what I have no right or power to do — to invade your world with my concerns and be welcomed by you there. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Matthew 7:11 NIV = If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

 

 

TODAY IS SATURDAY – JULY 11, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 168 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Not only is today the 11th day of the 7th month, but it also happens to be 7-ELEVEN DAY.  ***MARLAR: Celebrate by sharing a Super Slurpee with someone you love.

 

Today is READING GUILT DAY. We’re supposed to take this day and actually start reading an entire book.  ***MARLAR: My choice is “Green Eggs and Ham”… hey, I’ve never read it.

 

Today is NATIONAL CHEER UP THE LONELY DAY.  ***MARLAR: And our phone number is (555-5555).

 

I would also like to remind you that this is MAN WATCHERS’ COMPLIMENT WEEK. ***MARLAR: And I have yet to receive any compliments.  And our phone number is (555-5555).

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Bowdler’s Day

Cheer Up The Lonely Day

Day of the Five Billion

National Rainier Cherries Day

Slurpee Day (7-Eleven Day)

World Population Day

Bald Is In Day

Carver Day

Grange Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SUNDAY, JULY 12

Grange Day

Night of Nights

Simplicity Day

 

SUNDAY, JULY 13

Ann Hutchinson Memorial Day

Embrace Your Geekness Day

Gruntled Workers Day

National French Fries Day

 

MONDAY, JULY 14

International Nude Day

International Town Criers Day ***MARLAR: Let’s just hope they are not also celebrating International Nude Day!

Shark Awareness Day

 

TUESDAY, JULY 15

Be a Dork Day (Be a Dork and be proud.  Wear goofy clothing, don’t brush your teeth, eat yucky food, and fall off a swing set.)

Gummi Worm Day

National Pet Fire Safety Day

Saint Swithin’s Day

Take Your Poet To Work Week

 

WEDNESDAY, JULY 16

Get To Know Your Customers Day

Hot Dog Night

World Snake Day

 

THURSDAY, JULY 17

Wrong Way Corrigan Day

Yellow Pig Day

 

FRIDAY, JULY 18

Celebration of The Horse Day

National Hot Dog Day

Nelson Mandela International Day

National Caviar Day

Toss Away the “Could Haves” and “Should Haves” Day

Woodie Wagon Day

 

SATURDAY, JULY 19

Anne Hutchinson Memorial Day

National Ice Cream Day

Flitch Day

Lake Superior Day

 

SUNDAY, JULY 20

Global Hug your Kid Day

Moon Day

Space Exploration Day

National Lollipop Day

World Jump Day

International Cake Day

National Get Out Of The Doghouse Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1798: The U.S. Marine Corps was formally re-established by a congressional act that also created the U.S. Marine Band.

 

1914: Babe Ruth made his major-league debut with the Boston Red Sox at an annual rookie salary of $2,900. Six years later he signed with the Yankees for $125,000.

 

1933: All schoolteachers in Germany were ordered to read Adolph Hitler’s Mein Kampf and to become thoroughly familiar with the Nazi creed.

 

1967: Singer Kenny Rogers formed the group The First Edition. Their biggest hit was “Just Dropped In to See What Condition My Condition Was In” in 1968, followed by “Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love to Town” in 1969.

 

1971: The U.S. Department of Agri­culture was allocated $19,520 to deter­mine if a woman’s place was in the home.

 

1985: Nolan Ryan of the Houston Astros became the first pitcher in Major League Baseball to strike out 4,000 batters, fanning Danny Heep of the New York Mets.

 

1987: Comedian Ellen Degeneres starred on the first HBO “Women of the Night” TV special.

 

1988: South Korean police arrested 15,617 demonstrators in one day. They were concerned about security at the Olympic Games in Seoul.

 

1992: A Japanese rancher told Tokyo reporters he outfitted his cattle with pocket pagers. He said it took the cows about a week to learn that the beep means it‘s time to eat. He just dials the beeper number and they come running.

 

1994: Shawn Eckardt was sentenced in Portland, Oregon, to 18 months in prison for his role in the attack on skater Nancy Kerrigan.

 

1996: Hung Chen-chih and Wang Mei-yun were married in Taipei, Taiwan, while sitting on ostriches. They had beat out 42 other couples for the honor by riding the ostriches for longer than two minutes.

 

1998: Air Force Lt. Michael Blassie, a casualty of the Vietnam War, was buried near his Missouri home, after the positive identification of his remains, which had been enshrined at the Tomb of the Unknowns in Arlington, Virginia.

 

2000: Tim McCarthy delivered his daughter in the passenger seat of his 1986 Firebird, parked at the Mini-Mart. Tim and wife Melissa were headed for the hospital, but a healthy 7-pound 10 ounce Melissa Marie couldn’t wait. Tim said he was really glad he had watched the doctor deliver the couple’s first child and “sort of remembered” what to do.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1533: Pope Clement VII excommunicates England’s King Henry VIII for remarrying after his divorce.

 

1656: Barbados expatriates Ann Austin and Mary Fisher becomes the first Quakers to arrive in America. Officials promptly arrested them and deported them back to England five weeks later.

 

1681: Oliver Plunkett, Archbishop of Armagh, is executed, having been found guilty of treason. He was the last Catholic to die for his faith in England and the first Irish martyr to be beatified.

 

1886: Protestant missionary Horace Underwood secretly baptizes Mr. Toh Sa No in Korea—the first recorded Protestant baptism in that country. However, an underground church was probably already active in Korea, begun by Korean workmen who had heard the gospel in China.

 

1955: Congress puts “In God We Trust” on all U.S. currency.

 

1980: Pope John Paul II speaks in Brazil on one of the overseas trips that made him the most traveled pope ever

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“Zoe, Duncan, Jack & Jane”, “Smallville”) Michael Rosenbaum 43 (
    )
  • TV personality (“Talk Soup”) John Henson, 48
  • Actress (“Home Improvement’s” Tool Time girl) Debbie Dunning, 49 (
    )
  • Actress (“Melrose Place”) Lisa Rinna, 50 (
    )
  • Actress (The Day After Tomorrow, The Fugitive, “House”, “CSI:NY”) Sela Ward, 59 (
    )
  • Actress (Frau Farbissina in the Austin Powers films) Mindy Sterling, 62
  • Actor (Cinderella Man, Collateral) Bruce McGill, 65

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1930 : Thurston Harris

1931 : Tab Hunter

1944 : Bobby G. Rice

1947 : Jeff Hanna (Nitty Gritty Dirt Band)

1950 : Bonnie Pointer (The Pointer Sisters)

1953 : Peter Brown

1954 : Benny DiFranco (The DeFranco Family)

1959 : Richie Sambora (Bon Jovi)

1959 : Suzanne Vega

1965 : Scott Shriner (Weezer)

1975 : Lil’ Kim

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do we say that someone who is really wrong or out of line is “off base?”

Obviously this one comes the wonderful world of baseball right? (Unless you live in Chicago where the seasons aren’t always that wonderful.)  But that’s what you’re thinking, right? It must be describing a runner who is on base, has taken too big a lead away from the base, and is about to be picked off because he’s too far off base. Right? Well… no. Actually, the “base” in this case is your foundation, mooring, and anchor. Your sense of direction. You need it to function. It could be your common sense, sense of values, family, or just familiar surroundings. If you’re detached from it you go wrong, drift, lose you’re bearings — are off base. If you still don’t get it, imagine a head that’s grown tired of being attached to it’s neck and has decided to go off on its own (no comments from the women about us men here, okay?). That detached head is likely to be wrong about most things… and it’s certainly out of line. So, it’s off base… not to mention a really freaky thing to see.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Another groaner from Citizen Way: Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibit? Because it was cultured.

 

Jonny Diaz says his daughter is a tough crowd. He tweeted: Just played Charlie Grace a song that I wrote for her. She listened and then spit up everywhere. Not sure how to take that.

 

Switchfoot’s Jon Foreman says his song Your Love Is Enough is a song that talks my lifelong struggles with doubt, fear, loneliness, and the contradictions within me. But Jon says the chorus is reminds him of the hope that he has. It says: “Your love is enough. You’re my harbor in this lonely storm. Your love is enough.”

 

TobyMac says he and his crew always have five food items on the tour bus. They are: Coffee, cereal, water, chips, and salsa.

 

Fans are inspired by more than just Newsboys drummer Duncan Phillips on stage performance. One fan named Meagan tweeted: your inspiring quotes and healthy living quotes have helped me. I am now 80 lbs lighter. Thank you!

 

Newsboys member Duncan Phillips is an American transplant but that doesn’t diminish his pride in the American flag. The native Australian shared a picture of the flag this week along with the tweet: Love walking into a truck stop and seeing this proudly displayed on the dining room wall!

 

Tenth Avenue North’s Ruben Juarez: I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge

 

Sidewalk Prophets member Ben McDonald says his new cat is having an identity crises. The guitarist for the band tweeted a picture of their new kitten fast asleep on his shoulder with the caption: I thought we were getting a kitten not a parrot.

 

Advice from Britt Nicole: Healthy is the new skinny! Be the best you, not who magazines say you should be.

 

A confession from Kutless member James Mead: I literally suck at taking selfies.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

Error in golden ratio at exhibit? Museum now says it’s right    photo
BOSTON (AP) — A Boston science museum that praised a teenager for catching a mistake in the golden ratio at a decades-old exhibit now says it wasn’t an error after all. The Museum of Science released a statement Tuesday afternoon saying the equation in the 34-year-old “Mathematica exhibit”…

 

Drunken man seeking ride home calls 911 to report fake crash
HACKETTSTOWN, N.J. (AP) — Police in New Jersey say a drunken man twice called 911 to report a fake accident because he wanted officers to give him a ride home. Hackettstown police say the initial call from the 38-year-old man came in Tuesday night around the same time the department received…
Double deer: Officials say man kept 2 in captivity at home
HUNTINGTON, W.Va. (AP) — Officials say a West Virginia man had been keeping two deer in captivity at his home for at least a year. State Division of Natural Resources officer Joshua Addesa says authorities discovered the two white-tailed bucks when they visited the Cabell County man’s home…
Police: Man breaks into Berlin restaurant, drinks Tabasco
BERLIN (AP) — A man is in hot water after allegedly stealing a bicycle, pitching it through a Berlin restaurant window, then entering and quaffing half a bottle of Tabasco sauce — telling authorities he was thirsty. Police spokesman Jens Berger said Tuesday the 34-year-old was…
About 60 pounds of pot found in sewer line near border
TUCSON, Ariz. (AP) — Authorities have found about 50 to 60 pounds of marijuana they believe smugglers tried to get into Arizona via a sewer pipe that runs through the U.S. and Mexico. The four bundles caused the sewer line to back up and spill into a Nogales, Arizona, home. They believe…
Broadway theatergoer tries to recharge phone in onstage plug    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — There’s loud talking, snoring and, of course, phones ringing. But theater etiquette might have taken a turn for the bizarre on Broadway last week with a dead cellphone. A patron at the Tony Award-nominated play “Hand to God” on July 2 climbed onstage just before the show began…
Split-colored lobster caught off Maine, 1 in 50 million find    photo
SCARBOROUGH, Maine (AP) — A rare orange-brown split-colored lobster has turned up off the coast of Maine. HASH(0x13dcd00) According to research by the Lobster Institute, the chance of finding a split-colored lobster is one in 50 million. The institute reports that only the albino lobster is…
Police seek help after nut theft, post mug shot of squirrel
SHELBY TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) — Police in suburban Detroit are having a little fun while asking for help from the public in figuring out who swiped roughly 28,000 pounds of packaged nuts. The Shelby Township Police Department says a truck and trailer packed with 18 pallets of walnuts and other…
Rain makes annual Detroit-area Mud Day for kids even muddier    photo
WESTLAND, Mich. (AP) — A steady downpour made this one of the muddiest Mud Days yet. Rain before and during the 27th annual event Tuesday in suburban Detroit that is open to kids 12 and younger created conditions that were conducive for maximum filthiness. Aidan Ruggiero, who quickly got…
Drug bundles block pipe near border, send sewage into home
TUCSON, Ariz. (AP) — Authorities in the border city of Nogales, Arizona, believe smugglers were using an international sewage line to transport drugs into the U.S. from Mexico when the pipe became clogged, sending gallons of waste through an illegal tunnel and into a house and local…
Woman arrested after calling 911 with Chinese food complaint
ALLIANCE, Ohio (AP) — An Ohio woman has been arrested after calling 911 to complain about an order of Chinese food. Police say the 44-year-old Alliance woman called the emergency number late Monday afternoon to say the Chinese food she’d ordered from a local restaurant was “not up to par for…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Medicare to cover end-of-life counseling
WASHINGTON (AP) — Medicare said Wednesday it plans to pay doctors to counsel patients about end-of-life care, the same idea that sparked accusations of “death panels” and fanned a political furor around President Barack Obama’s health care law six years ago. The policy change, to take effect…

 

Suicide attempts most common in newer soldiers, study found    photo
CHICAGO (AP) — War-time suicide attempts in the Army are most common in newer enlisted soldiers who have not been deployed, while officers are less likely to try to end their lives. At both levels, attempts are more common among women and those without a high school diploma, according to a…
Right-to-die advocates call California loss a brief setback    photo
SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) — California dealt the national right-to-die movement a huge blow when legislation allowing doctors to prescribe life-ending drugs stalled, but advocates aren’t conceding defeat. The movement was reinvigorated by the nationally publicized story of Brittany Maynard, a…
Expert testifies against cancer doctor at sentencing hearing    photo
DETROIT (AP) — An expert who looked at the files of 100 patients of a Detroit-area cancer doctor facing prison for unnecessary treatments testified Wednesday that the records were disturbing. Dr. David Steensma of Harvard Medical School said some patients received hundreds of unnecessary…
Report: Number of US heroin users rose 300,000 over a decade
NEW YORK (AP) — The number of U.S. heroin users has grown by nearly 300,000 over a decade, with the bulk of the increase among whites, according to a new government report. Experts think the increase was driven by people switching from opioid painkillers to cheaper heroin. The Centers for…
At least 5 kids got wrong immunizations at New Jersey clinic
SALEM, N.J. (AP) — At least five children were given the wrong immunizations at a health clinic for the uninsured, including a 2-year-old boy who got an “excessive dose” of a cervical cancer prevention vaccine, authorities said. The Salem County-run “Shots for Tots” program has been shuttered…
The battle for control of the growing breast milk industry    photo
TRENTON, N.J. (AP) — It could trade for 400 times more than the price of crude oil and 2,000 times more than iron ore. If sold off the shelf, it could cost more than 150 times the price of a gallon of cow’s milk and 15 times more than coffee. Going for as much as $4 per ounce, breast milk is…
Panel: Politics among reasons for botched UN Ebola response    photo
LONDON (AP) — The Ebola outbreak exposed the U.N. health agency’s organizational failings, a panel reported Tuesday — but it didn’t blame any individuals at the World Health Organization for its bungled response last year to the deadly crisis. The report instead criticized WHO’s…
Missouri law allows tax exemption for stillbirths
JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. (AP) — Missouri is joining at least one other state in offering a tax exemption for stillbirths, after Democratic Gov. Jay Nixon signed a law allowing it starting this year. The measure will allow a one-time exemption of $1,200 from a parent’s income — the same…
WHO says too few countries taxing tobacco products enough
MANILA, Philippines (AP) — Taxing cigarettes up to 75 percent of their retail price is among the most effective ways to reduce tobacco use, but too few governments levy high enough taxes, according to a World Health Organization global report released Tuesday. The WHO’s 2015 report on the…
Q&A: As Obama health law survives, GOP split over next move    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Having lost their latest war against President Barack Obama’s health care overhaul, Republicans must decide how to wage battles that could fan the issue for the 2016 elections. Last month’s Supreme Court decision upholding the statute’s federal subsidies, which help millions…

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Fog Horns”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Ken Davis, “Telemarketers”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Gruffy Bear built a toll booth on his property – right on the main path through the jungle. 35-cents a pass. But Gruffy let Nozzles get past with just 30-cents, with an I.O.U. of five cents, and he let Hermie the bug through for free! Fortunately, most all the animals had the money, and paid the toll without incident…

 

CLOSE: So now we have a toll free road, built to avoid the toll road in front of Gruffy’s house – but now Gruffy had removed his toll booth. So now we have two toll-free roads! That’s gotta be good, right? I know… that sounds too easy, doesn’t it? We’ll so how the animals react next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JULY 11/12, 2015
OPEN: Last time on As the Jungle Turns, Marvy Snuffleson was tired of work. School, homework, chores, cleaning his room… but now he’s on Razzleflabbin Island, where the weekly calendar clock tells them Sunday is for attending church, weekdays are for work, and Saturday is for rest and relaxation. And on Razzleflabbin Island – it’s now Saturday… and Marvy Snuffleson is loving it!

 

CLOSE: Bread and water to eat – but also no work! What will Marvy decide to do? Tune in again next time to find out, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

A bad haircut is no excuse for a bad temper.

A 26-year-old man faces five charges after losing his temper over an unsatisfactory haircut at a Winnipeg (Canada) shopping center. The man got his hair cut at a salon in the mall on Friday. Unhappy with it, he returned the next day, asking for a refund. The hairdresser tried to fix the haircut, but the man was even more displeased with the second cut. He demanded a refund, and when the salon employee refused, he allegedly threatened him. Mall security officers tried to escort the man out, but he punched one of them in the face and kicked the other. While waiting for police to arrive, the man allegedly knocked over several display stands, causing more than $1,000 in damage. He has been charged.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WAYS TO NEEDLESSLY ANNOY PEOPLE

 

  1. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

 

  1. Practice making fax and modem noises.

 

  1. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

 

  1. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant.

 

  1. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a “spider person”.

 

  1. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”

 

  1. Wear a special hip holster for your TV remote control.

 

  1. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

 

  1. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.

 

  1. To really annoy people, stand on a street corner, pointing a hair drier at passing traffic, and watch it slow down.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Today’s files of Law & Disorder take us on a very unusual cab ride!

 

FILE #1: St. Petersburg, Florida – Daniel Bryarly robbed a residence and then used a cab as his getaway car. This in itself is not new, dumb criminals have done this many times before, despite the stupidity of such an action. But he makes it to the files of Law & Disorder for what he brought with him for this getaway cab ride. The driver thought it was a bit suspicious when Daniel brought along four snakes, a sword, two mobile phones and a purse he’d taken from the house. The cabbie called the cops after Danny-boy was dropped off at his residence. Lucky for him, his next ride was free, courtesy of the police department.

 

FILE #2: We don’t know who just yet, but someone out there has to be the absolute dumbest car thief in all of America. It’s the person that stole Mr. Anderson’s car in Savannah, Georgia. Mr. “Pro-Life” Anderson that is. Yep, his first name used to be Charles but he had it legally changed to Pro-Life back in 1987. That ought to give you a little clue as to what this 74-year-old activist is all about. His 1980 Buick LeSabre is a true testament to his politics. It is literally covered with bumper stickers proclaiming slogans like, “God is pro-life” and “Real Men Love Jesus.” He’s even got his name, Pro-Life Anderson, painted in big bold letters on each door. Pro-Life says, “It would be funny, if it wasn’t so tragic. They would be foolish to be driving with a car that says ‘Hey, look at me.'” Unfortunately it wasn’t insured because Pro-Life never thought it would ever be stolen. In the meantime, Pro-Life says he will continue his pro-life work in his backup car — a much smaller, much more subtle Nissan.

 

FILE #3: Michael McCormick of Tavares, Florida, was fined $180 for saving five people from an alligator. He saw the alligator crossing a road toward a woman holding two babies and with two children at her side. He pulled over, got out his rope, lassoed the alligator, dragged it off the road and kept it corralled until police arrived, then set it free unharmed. Police reported him to the Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, which fined him for being in possession of an alligator. They said he should have concentrated on removing the women and children instead of the alligator. McCormick hasn’t decided whether to fight the ticket, but he said he’d do the same thing again.

 

STRANGE LAW: In California, selling a gold piece without tooth marks in it is considered forgery.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

William Vines rushed into a New York police station and told the officer on duty that two men in a BMW had tried to cut him off in traffic and had waved a gun at him. And, in fact, he thought they were still waiting for him outside. When the officer went to check on the situation he found two men trying to break into the trunk of William’s Malibu, right there in front of the police station. After arresting them, the officer decided to take a little look in the trunk to see what the guys were after. Perhaps William shouldn’t have informed the police… in his trunk was almost a half a million dollars worth of cocaine. Busted!

 

 

PHONER PHUN

What’s the biggest pet peeve of your spouse about you, that you don’t see as that big of a deal? My wife hates it when I don’t put dirty dishes directly into the dishwasher – I place them in the sink. Sure, I’m lazy – but her reaction seems a bit over the top sometimes. What do you do that YOU don’t think is a big deal, but really annoys your SPOUSE?

 

Start it on Facebook then take it to the phones: Has something ever happened TO you, or IN FRONT of you where you think, “I thought this only happened in movies?”

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What type of bird did Noah first send forth from the Ark?
ANSWER: A raven (Genesis 8:6,7)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Buick introduced turn signals as standard equipment on cars in what year?

ANSWER: 1939…And people still don’t know how to use them.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. The average woman’s purse is 22 pounds. (False, 7)

 

  1. Tom Hanks sings and plays the piano for the theme song of “Frasier.” (False, Kelsey Grammar)

 

  1. Sheryl Crow wrote the theme songs for “The Facts of Life” and “Different Strokes.” (False, they were written by Alan Thicke, the father in the TV show “Growing Pains”)

 

  1. Paul Reiser plays the piano on the “Mad About You” theme. (True)

 

  1. The “pound” key on your keyboard (#) is called an octotroph. (True)

 

  1. The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat. (True)

 

  1. The “dot” over the letter “i” is called a tittle. (True)

 

  1. Coke originally contained pepsin. (False, Pepsi did – thus the name.)

 

  1. The original story from “Tales of 1001 Arabian Nights” begins, “Aladdin was a little Chinese boy.” (True)

 

  1. Nutmeg is poisonous. (True – extremely poisonous… if injected intravenously.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Man Arrested for Faxing _______ from Kinkos!”  (Death Threat)


In Milwaukee, 46-year-old John J. Miller, was arrested after he faxed hand-written and signed letters from a Kinko’s — letters threatening to kill a federal judge and to blow up a courthouse on the city’s east side. John had filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy back in 2004 but apparently has a long running dispute with Judge Susan Kelley who dismissed the case after he failed to make payments. He later sued officials in U.S. district court and lost. He then appealed to the 7th Circuit Court of Appeals and lost again. His big mistake was leaving the evidence behind. Employees at the Kinko’s found the threatening letter that included Miller’s name and phone number. He had faxed the letter to four area codes and then left it on a copy machine. An employee called Milwaukee police, who contacted the FBI. (Milwaukee Journal Sentinel) 

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

“Hey you! Pull over!” shouted the traffic cop.

The lady complied, and the judge next day fined her twenty-five dollars.

She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, “One pullover, $25.”

 

JOKE #2

A couple of hours into a visit with my mother, she noticed I hadn’t once lit up a cigarette. “Are you trying to kick the habit?” she asked.

“No,” I replied. “I have a cold, and I don’t smoke when I’m not feeling well.”

“You know,” she observed, “you’d probably live longer if you were sick more often.”

 

JOKE #3

A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number. 
”I’ve had mine for twenty years,” she pleaded. “Couldn’t you change yours?” 
The company refused, so she said, “Fine. From now on, I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full.” 
The company got a new number the next day.

 

 

USELESS FACTS

In Australia, scientists came across a toad the size of a small dog.  ***MARLAR: Instead of turning into a prince when you kiss it, it turns into Prince, then the artist formerly known as Prince, and then back into Prince.

 

According to a new study, “definitely” is the most misspelled word in English. Also on the list were broccoli, phlegm, bureaucracy, indict, consensus, unnecessary, sacrilegious and prejudice.  ***MARLAR: At least I think those are the words… I wasn’t really sure how to spell them when I wrote them all down.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

UNUSUAL

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Ben got up to read his. “Papa fell in the well last week – “he began.

“Good heavens,” shrieked Mrs. Krup, the teacher. “Is he all right now?”

“He must be,” said little Ben. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

YOU’RE PRESCRIBING WHAT?!?

Can cigarettes be healthy? Their ads used to say they were!

…If you’re under the age of 55, you may find it hard to believe that these were once prominent cigarette advertising slogans:

  • “Just what the doctor ordered.” – L & M cigarettes
  • “More doctors smoke Camels than any other Cigarette.” – Camels cigarettes

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

Today, when I awoke, I suddenly realized that this is the best day of my life, ever! There were times when I wondered if I would make it to today; but I did! And because I did I’m going to celebrate!
Today, I’m going to celebrate what an unbelievable life I have had so far: the accomplishments, the many blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because they have served to make me stronger. I will go through this day with my head held high, and a happy heart. I will marvel at God’s seemingly simple gifts: the morning dew, the sun, the clouds, the trees, the flowers, the birds. Today, none of these miraculous creations will escape my notice.
Today, I will share my excitement for life with other people. I’ll make someone smile. I’ll go out of my way to perform an unexpected act of kindness for someone I don’t even know. Today, I’ll give a sincere compliment to someone who seems down. I’ll tell a child how special he is, and I’ll tell someone I love just how deeply I care for her and how much she means to me.
Today is the day I quit worrying about what I don’t have and start being grateful for all the wonderful things God has already given me. I’ll remember that to worry is just a waste of time because my faith in God and his Divine Plan ensures everything will be just fine. And tonight, before I go to bed, I’ll go outside and raise my eyes to the heavens. I will stand in awe at the beauty of the stars and the moon, and I will praise God for these magnificent treasures.
As the day ends and I lay my head down on my pillow, I will thank the Almighty for the best day of my life. And I will sleep the sleep of a contented child, excited with expectation because I know tomorrow is going to be the best day of my life, ever!

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

SPIRITUAL CHECKUP

READ: Proverbs 4:20-27

Examine me, O Lord. —Psalm 26:2

Given a choice, I’d probably not voluntarily visit my doctor for a physical exam. I’m inclined to assume that everything is okay and not bother my doctor about it. But since my wife is a nurse, I don’t have a choice. I go in for regular exams.

And given a choice, many of us are a little afraid of spiritual checkups as well. After all, if we check our spirit too closely, we might have to change a habit or two. We might need something like an “attitude-ectomy.”

I suggest that we get over our reluctance. With God’s guidance, let’s undergo a spiritual checkup, using Proverbs 4:20-27 as a checklist.

Ears (v.20): Are we hearing God’s Word clearly and with understanding? Are we doing what those words tell us?

Eyes (vv.21,25): Are we keeping our eyes on the teachings that will guide us toward righteousness?

Heart (v.23): Are we protecting our heart from evil?

Tongue (v.24): Is our mouth clean and pure?

Feet (v.26): Are we walking straight toward God’s truth without wavering?

How did you do on your examination? Are there areas where you need to take action? Regular checkups will help to restore your spiritual vitality. —Dave Branon

 

Create in me a clean heart, O God,
Show me the way that Jesus has trod;
Then I will tell of Your saving grace,
Until the day when I see Your face.  —Hess

 

A spiritual checkup is the key to spiritual health.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

HISTORY IS HISTORY

Are we getting way too politically correct? Manchester’s Stockport College, as part of their “equal opportunity awareness” program is educating their staff on words they shouldn’t use because they could be offensive to some people. The list includes:

  • “Ladies” and “gentlemen”, because of their associations with social class.
  • “Mad,” “crazy” and “manic” have been ruled out as derogatory to people with mental health problems.
  • “Manmade” and “man in the street” were ruled potentially sexist.
  • “History”, because “his” – “story” is sexist.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

THINGS A GROWN MAN SHOULD NEVER HAVE

We found this cool list at MensHealth.com.

  • A black eye. Unless the rim hits your face mid-dunk, your peepers should remain unblemished. You’re smart enough to talk your way out of any fight you’re going to lose.
  • A witty e-mail signature. Quotes and song lyrics should be heard during toasts and karaoke performances, respectively. Don’t let your electronic correspondence become the digital version of a motivational poster.
  • PlayStation thumb. When they’re relaxing, grown men can behave like children. But if you devolve long enough to cause calluses or button-shaped bruises, you’re assuredly missing out on life.
  • A key chain with a bottle opener.
  • A lucky shirt. Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he’ll be.
  • An unstamped passport.
  • Less than $20 in his wallet.  A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.
  • The need to quote movies like The Big Lebowski, Caddyshack, Superbad, etc. Reciting someone else’s lines reminds people that you haven’t the wit to write your own.
  • Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything.
  • A Nerf hoop in his living room. Keep the adolescent accoutrements where they belong: in the rec room or above the wastebasket in someone else’s office.
  • A secret handshake.
  • Drinking glasses with logos. Especially those kitschy McDonald’s Hamburglar ones.
  • A recent story with the phrase “So I said to the cop… “

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

FROG IN MY THROAT

A couple of months after undergoing knee surgery, a Michigan woman complained to her doctor and told him that she was having trouble swallowing. A year later, 80-year-old Alice Hoppe complained to her doctor that she had been choking on her food. 4 months later, the doctor discovered the problem. According to reports, her lower denture was caught in her throat, apparently having lodged there during the knee operation. Looking back, Hoppe told her doctor that someone had lost her dentures when she was in the hospital, which he noted in his chart but did nothing about. ***MARLAR: How does her lower denture get lodged in her throat during a knee operation?  Are they reaching down to the knee cap from the esophagus?

 

 

FUN LIST

MURPHY’S RELATIVES?

Okay, you’ve heard of Murphy’s famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. There are many other related Laws, as well. Here are some:

  • After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. –Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical Repair
  • Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner. –Anthony’s Law of the Workshop
  • Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. –Tussman’s Law
  • If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. –Lowery’s Law
  • The solution to a problem changes the problem. –Peer’s Law
  • The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. –Ehrlich’s Law
  • Thinly sliced cabbage. –Cole’s Law

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

PARENTS CLEVER ABOUT SNEAKING GOODS FOODS INTO KIDS’ DIETS

Parents are getting clever about sneaking nutritious foods into their kids’ diets, and there’s an entire collection of books, websites, and forums dedicated to the pursuit. Popular tricks include baking low-sugar carrot bread, using spiral cutters to turn zucchini into long, pasta-like strands, and replacing mashed potatoes with pureed cauliflower.  For more tips there’s a website that’s a good source of ideas: TheSneakyChef.com.

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Wednesdays only; The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(None On The Weekends)

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Early to bed and early to rise, makes you an old fuddy-duddy like Benjamin Franklin.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

JULY 10, 2015…

 

Self/Less—Here is a science fiction film about taking someone’s consciousness and putting into another’s person’s brain. As if we hadn’t seen this before, but this movie stars Sir Ben Kingsley and Ryan Reynolds. Does all go as it should?  What do you think? “Self/Less” is rated R. No rating.

 

*The Bronze is now due to open in October 2015.

 

Minions—At last, the animated story comes to the screen and the Minions (“Despicable Me”) are here. This film shows the beginning of the group through three of the guys, Kevin, Stuart and Bob, and a search for someone evil  to serve. Their first boss is Overkill (voice of Sandra Bullock). Voices of Jon Harrim and Michael Keaton. “Minions” is rated PG and a rating of 3 for fans.

 

Jimmy’s Hall (opening in select cities) —This is based on a true story in Europe and set in the mid 1930’s about a deportation without a trial. Directed by Ken Leech and stars Barry Ward. “Jimmy’s Hall” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

The Gallows—Horror film time and this one is about a person who dies in a school play and then strange things begin to happen. Again? The movie also had the previous titles of “Stage Fright” and “Superstition.” Stars Cassidy Gifford (daughter of Kathie Lee Gifford), Ryan Skoos and Reese Mishler. “The Gallows” is rated R. No rating.

 

JULY 17, 2015…

 

Mr. Holmes is a take on Sherlock Holmes in which he is an old man with failing memory who takes on a case. Stars Ian McKellen.

 

TrainWreck is a comedy with Amy Schumer as a writer and Bill Hader as a doctor.

 

Ant Man is the action film with Paul Rudd as the miniaturized man. Watch where you walk. Also in the cast is Michael Douglas.

 

Irrational Man stars Joaquin Phoenix as a man in a mid-life crisis. A Woody Allen film.

 

 

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Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.