July 11, 2016: Monday ONAIRprep

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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!

 

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160711

 

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I have to do a good job today – just to be safe.  I saw in the hallway that the boss brought his pellet gun again.

 

My boss at the radio station said no to giving me a raise.  Gotta find another source of income.  How much earwax would I have to save before opening up my own candle store?

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions.”  –Mark 11:25

 

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. — Ephesians 3:20-21

 

In him [Jesus our Lord] and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence. — Ephesians 3:12

 

 

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

O righteous God, who searches minds and hearts, bring to an end the violence of the wicked and make the righteous secure. — Psalm 7:9

 

Thought: In a world of organized crime, gangs, and predators, we have some real work cut out for us if we are going to influence the violent part of contemporary culture to change its ways. Maybe the place to start is down on our knees before the Father, asking him to use us to make a difference in our violent world!

 

Prayer: Loving Lord and Father of all peoples, please forgive us for anything we have done to condone or accept the violence that is entrenched in many parts of our world today. Please bring the evil and hostile trend towards violence to an end. Frustrate and defeat those who use violence. May your people be an example of productive, compassionate, and non-violent living. Please give strength and protection to all who face the threat of violence because of their faith. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

Matthew 7:11 NIV = If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

 

 

TODAY IS MONDAY – JULY 11, 2016

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 166 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.   

 

Not only is today the 11th day of the 7th month, but it also happens to be 7-ELEVEN DAY.  ***MARLAR: Celebrate by sharing a Super Slurpee with someone you love.

 

Today is READING GUILT DAY. We’re supposed to take this day and actually start reading an entire book.  ***MARLAR: My choice is “Green Eggs and Ham”… hey, I’ve never read it.

 

Today is NATIONAL CHEER UP THE LONELY DAY.  ***MARLAR: And our phone number is (555-5555).

 

I would also like to remind you that this is MAN WATCHERS’ COMPLIMENT WEEK. ***MARLAR: And I have yet to receive any compliments.  And our phone number is (555-5555).

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Bowdler’s Day

Day of The Five Billion

International Town Criers Day

National Rainier Cherries Day

Slurpee Day (7-11’s Birthday)

World Population Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

TUESDAY, JULY 12

Chick-fil-A’s Cow Appreciation Day

Night of Nights

Simplicity Day

 

WEDNESDAY, JULY 13

Embrace Your Geekness Day

Gruntled Workers Day

National French Fries Day

World Cup Soccer Day

 

THURSDAY, JULY 14

International Nude Day

National Macaroni and Cheese Day

Shark Awareness Week ***Because you didn’t get enough on the Discovery Channel.

 

FRIDAY, JULY 15

Be a Dork Day

Gummi Worm Day

National Give Something Away Day

National Pet Fire Safety Day

Saint Swithin’s Day

 

SATURDAY, JULY 16

Celebration of The Horse Day

Hot Dog Night

National Hot Dog Day

Strawberry Rhubarb Wine Day

Toss Away the “Could Haves” and “Should Haves” Day

Woodie Wagon Day

World Snake Day

 

SUNDAY, JULY 17

Disneyland Day

National Ice Cream Day

Lake Superior Day

Wrong Way Corrigan Day

Yellow Pig Day

 

MONDAY, JULY 18

Global Hug Your Kid Day

National Caviar Day

National Get Out Of The Doghouse Day

Nelson Mandela International Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

1798: The U.S. Marine Corps was formally re-established by a congressional act that also created the U.S. Marine Band.

 

1914: Babe Ruth made his major-league debut with the Boston Red Sox at an annual rookie salary of $2,900. Six years later he signed with the Yankees for $125,000.

 

1933: All schoolteachers in Germany were ordered to read Adolph Hitler’s Mein Kampf and to become thoroughly familiar with the Nazi creed.

 

1967: Singer Kenny Rogers formed the group The First Edition. Their biggest hit was “Just Dropped In to See What Condition My Condition Was In” in 1968, followed by “Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love to Town” in 1969.

 

1971: The U.S. Department of Agri­culture was allocated $19,520 to deter­mine if a woman’s place was in the home.

 

1985: Nolan Ryan of the Houston Astros became the first pitcher in Major League Baseball to strike out 4,000 batters, fanning Danny Heep of the New York Mets.

 

1987: Comedian Ellen Degeneres starred on the first HBO “Women of the Night” TV special.

 

1988: South Korean police arrested 15,617 demonstrators in one day. They were concerned about security at the Olympic Games in Seoul.

 

1992: A Japanese rancher told Tokyo reporters he outfitted his cattle with pocket pagers. He said it took the cows about a week to learn that the beep means it‘s time to eat. He just dials the beeper number and they come running.

 

1994: Shawn Eckardt was sentenced in Portland, Oregon, to 18 months in prison for his role in the attack on skater Nancy Kerrigan.

 

1996: Hung Chen-chih and Wang Mei-yun were married in Taipei, Taiwan, while sitting on ostriches. They had beat out 42 other couples for the honor by riding the ostriches for longer than two minutes.

 

1998: Air Force Lt. Michael Blassie, a casualty of the Vietnam War, was buried near his Missouri home, after the positive identification of his remains, which had been enshrined at the Tomb of the Unknowns in Arlington, Virginia.

 

2000: Tim McCarthy delivered his daughter in the passenger seat of his 1986 Firebird, parked at the Mini-Mart. Tim and wife Melissa were headed for the hospital, but a healthy 7-pound 10 ounce Melissa Marie couldn’t wait. Tim said he was really glad he had watched the doctor deliver the couple’s first child and “sort of remembered” what to do.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

1533: Pope Clement VII excommunicates England’s King Henry VIII for remarrying after his divorce.

 

1656: Barbados expatriates Ann Austin and Mary Fisher becomes the first Quakers to arrive in America. Officials promptly arrested them and deported them back to England five weeks later.

 

1681: Oliver Plunkett, Archbishop of Armagh, is executed, having been found guilty of treason. He was the last Catholic to die for his faith in England and the first Irish martyr to be beatified.

 

1886: Protestant missionary Horace Underwood secretly baptizes Mr. Toh Sa No in Korea—the first recorded Protestant baptism in that country. However, an underground church was probably already active in Korea, begun by Korean workmen who had heard the gospel in China.

 

1955: Congress puts “In God We Trust” on all U.S. currency.

 

1980: Pope John Paul II speaks in Brazil on one of the overseas trips that made him the most traveled pope ever

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (“Zoe, Duncan, Jack & Jane”, “Smallville”) Michael Rosenbaum 44 (
    )
  • TV personality (“Talk Soup”) John Henson, 49
  • Actress (“Home Improvement’s” Tool Time girl) Debbie Dunning, 50 (
    )
  • Actress (“Melrose Place”) Lisa Rinna, 51 (
    )
  • Actress (The Day After Tomorrow, The Fugitive, “House”, “CSI:NY”) Sela Ward, 60 (
    )
  • Actress (Frau Farbissina in the Austin Powers films) Mindy Sterling, 63
  • Actor (Cinderella Man, Collateral) Bruce McGill, 66

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1930 : Thurston Harris

1931 : Tab Hunter

1944 : Bobby G. Rice

1947 : Jeff Hanna (Nitty Gritty Dirt Band)

1950 : Bonnie Pointer (The Pointer Sisters)

1953 : Peter Brown

1954 : Benny DiFranco (The DeFranco Family)

1959 : Richie Sambora (Bon Jovi)

1959 : Suzanne Vega

1965 : Scott Shriner (Weezer)

1975 : Lil’ Kim

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

Why do we say that someone who is really wrong or out of line is “off base?”

Obviously this one comes the wonderful world of baseball right? (Unless you live in Chicago where the seasons aren’t always that wonderful.)  But that’s what you’re thinking, right? It must be describing a runner who is on base, has taken too big a lead away from the base, and is about to be picked off because he’s too far off base. Right? Well… no. Actually, the “base” in this case is your foundation, mooring, and anchor. Your sense of direction. You need it to function. It could be your common sense, sense of values, family, or just familiar surroundings. If you’re detached from it you go wrong, drift, lose you’re bearings — are off base. If you still don’t get it, imagine a head that’s grown tired of being attached to it’s neck and has decided to go off on its own (no comments from the women about us men here, okay?). That detached head is likely to be wrong about most things… and it’s certainly out of line. So, it’s off base… not to mention a really freaky thing to see.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE!  Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

Casting Crowns Mark Hall says the struggle is real. He posted: Love when the lights automatically go out when I’m in the restroom. Waving my arms never seems to turn them back on.

 

Question of the day from Jamie Grace: Where do clothes go? Sometimes I see pictures of myself from like 5 years ago and wonder, “Where is that blazer?!”

 

Matt Maher recently shared the following quote from his son Conor: “Dad! We look the same! Except our shirts don’t match, or our pants and we don’t look alike. But we are both human!”

 

Question of the day from Kutless: What did you connect with the most at church yesterday (Sunday)?

 

Advice from Britt Nicole: Love God. Love people.

 

Question of the day from Kutless: What are three things that you are grateful for today?

 

A thought from Jonny Diaz: I don’t understand why Olympic swimming has different strokes. Imagine if they did this for running. “Nice 100m dash… now do it backwards.”

 

Want to time travel? Join Moriah Peters, her band, and the members of for King and Country as they time travel from Nashville to Arizona and back in less than 60 seconds via a time lapse video.

http://instagram.com/p/BHIsbwbAmRV/

 

Mac Powell says he gets nothing but the best snacks for the band when they are recording a new album. Attached was a picture featuring a wide variety of pop, m&m’s Cheez-its and chips.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BHNh9_Uj-jC/

 

A bit of trivia about Kutless member James Mead. he posted this week: For some of you, this will blow your mind: I do not have AC in my house. However, keep in mind that James lives in Oregon.

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends.)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

According to a study, children who learn with no shoes on are more likely to behave better and get good grades than fellow students in footwear.  ***Especially if there are shards of broken glass sprinkled on the floor and they can’t get their shoes back ‘til they answer a bunch of multiple-choice questions.

 

Japanese police called in a bomb squad to test the suspicious box left on the counter of their own police station. After bringing in the experts, the box was carefully examined and then opened. Inside they found… a six pack of canned beer now believed to be a thank-you present from a citizen.  *** I can understand the confusion.  When thanking police officers you should deliver coffee and donuts.

 

Don’t drink and tip. That’s the moral of a story after a man left his waiter a $1,000 tip for a memorable meal at Denver’s Thailicious restaurant. The waiter immediately took the plus-sized tip to the owners who held on to the tip just in case. It was a smart move. The next morning the man came back with hat in hand and asked for the money back.  *** And let’s face it – no matter how good the service is, Thai food is never worth a tip of $1,000.  I think ten dollars might be a stretch.

http://ti.me/1ZRHTK7

 

More older Americans are currently employed than ever, and 12% say they’ll never retire.  ***And with the current economy and apparent future of Social Security and other benefits, I can’t say that I blame them.

 

Despite evidence showing we gain less weight and save and average of $9 per meal when we cook for ourselves at home… Americans are eating less at home. The latest data shows Americans are spending more at bars and restaurants (almost $55 billion) than they are than they are on groceries ($52.5 billion). It’s the first time it’s happened in recorded history.  ***Take THAT, Michelle Obama!

 

The two remaining presidential candidates are busy preparing for their party conventions — and trying to decide who will be their running mates. Sen. Bob Corker of Tennessee — who removed himself from the VP running on Wednesday — suggested that Donald Trump pick his daughter Ivanka as his running mate. Corker told NBC News: “His best running mate by the way would be Ivanka. I know that wouldn’t pass muster probably but I don’t know if I’ve met a more composed, brilliant, beautiful-in-every-way person.”  ***Sounds like someone has a crush.

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Britain’s National Health Service is using typists in India to transcribe information from doctors, and it’s getting lost in translation. A diagnosis of “phlebitis, left leg” was typed out as “flea bite his left leg.” “Eustachian tube malfunction” became “Euston station tube malfunction.” And “below knee amputation” became “baloney amputation.” A spokesman for a medical secretaries’ association said it seems funny, until they mistake 15 mg of your drug for 50 mg.  ***MARLAR: It’s hard enough reading a doctor’s handwriting when you DO know English.

 

A British company said tests carried out on ATMs and public toilets found they contain many of the same illness-causing bacteria. BioCote microbiologist Richard Hastings said, “We were surprised by our results because the ATM machines were shown to be heavily contaminated with bacteria; to the same level as nearby public toilets.  In addition the bacteria we detected on ATMs were similar to those from the toilet.”  ***MARLAR: Some people will resort to using anything if they run out of toilet paper.

 

According to a report sponsored by the Uhlich Children’s Home in Chicago, teenagers feel that adults do a pretty good job at helping them with career counseling, and they concede that adults are fun, but ultimately they feel they’re lousy listeners. ***MARLAR: At least, that’s what they said when they finally popped out their ear buds.

 

Medical researchers from New York and New Jersey universities, including Rutgers, did MRI scans on people who were freshly in love. They found that in its effects on the brain, new love could easily be mistaken for mental illness. In its neural profile, romantic love resembles drives such as cocaine cravings. It appears as a blend of mania, dementia and obsession, causing behavior such as compulsive phone calling, serenading, yelling from rooftops, and showing up at the gym every day because the loved one is there.  ***MARLAR: By the sound of it, falling in love and getting married should require pre-martial counseling and a psychiatric evaluation!

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “X-Ray Vision”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Chonda Pierce, “Security”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY EPISODE  
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  Last time, Gruffy Bear was never satisfied with a picnic place.  After passing up several beautiful picnic spots, the jungle animals had enough – and Millard rallied the animals together to overthrow Gruffy!  They tied him up, tossed him into the river, and then headed back to one of the picnic spots to have their picnic!

 

CLOSE: Well, this can’t bode well for the animals’ perfect picnic… but the story is not over yet!  Tune in again next time to find out what happens, As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JULY 16/17

 

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns!  When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffelson had washed ashore after being sent to his room for not playing with a new kid in the neighborhood.  He’s already met some strange birds – Beach Birds – on the island, and he’s just met some giant hairy creatures, called Razzleflabbins!

 

CLOSE: Okay – so we know why Marvy was sent to his room, and we know that the Razzleflabbins are friendly and want to make friend with everyone, but how does ANY of this help Marvy get back to his room?  Tune in next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

A bad haircut is no excuse for a bad temper.

A 26-year-old man faces five charges after losing his temper over an unsatisfactory haircut at a Winnipeg (Canada) shopping center. The man got his hair cut at a salon in the mall on Friday. Unhappy with it, he returned the next day, asking for a refund. The hairdresser tried to fix the haircut, but the man was even more displeased with the second cut. He demanded a refund, and when the salon employee refused, he allegedly threatened him. Mall security officers tried to escort the man out, but he punched one of them in the face and kicked the other. While waiting for police to arrive, the man allegedly knocked over several display stands, causing more than $1,000 in damage. He has been charged.

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN WAYS TO NEEDLESSLY ANNOY PEOPLE

 

  1. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

 

  1. Practice making fax and modem noises.

 

  1. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

 

  1. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant.

 

  1. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a “spider person”.

 

  1. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”

 

  1. Wear a special hip holster for your TV remote control.

 

  1. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

 

  1. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.

 

  1. To really annoy people, stand on a street corner, pointing a hair drier at passing traffic, and watch it slow down.

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Today’s files of Law & Disorder take us on a very unusual cab ride!

 

FILE #1: St. Petersburg, Florida – Daniel Bryarly robbed a residence and then used a cab as his getaway car. This in itself is not new, dumb criminals have done this many times before, despite the stupidity of such an action. But he makes it to the files of Law & Disorder for what he brought with him for this getaway cab ride. The driver thought it was a bit suspicious when Daniel brought along four snakes, a sword, two mobile phones and a purse he’d taken from the house. The cabbie called the cops after Danny-boy was dropped off at his residence. Lucky for him, his next ride was free, courtesy of the police department.

 

FILE #2: We don’t know who just yet, but someone out there has to be the absolute dumbest car thief in all of America. It’s the person that stole Mr. Anderson’s car in Savannah, Georgia. Mr. “Pro-Life” Anderson that is. Yep, his first name used to be Charles but he had it legally changed to Pro-Life back in 1987. That ought to give you a little clue as to what this 74-year-old activist is all about. His 1980 Buick LeSabre is a true testament to his politics. It is literally covered with bumper stickers proclaiming slogans like, “God is pro-life” and “Real Men Love Jesus.” He’s even got his name, Pro-Life Anderson, painted in big bold letters on each door. Pro-Life says, “It would be funny, if it wasn’t so tragic. They would be foolish to be driving with a car that says ‘Hey, look at me.'” Unfortunately it wasn’t insured because Pro-Life never thought it would ever be stolen. In the meantime, Pro-Life says he will continue his pro-life work in his backup car — a much smaller, much more subtle Nissan.

 

FILE #3: Michael McCormick of Tavares, Florida, was fined $180 for saving five people from an alligator. He saw the alligator crossing a road toward a woman holding two babies and with two children at her side. He pulled over, got out his rope, lassoed the alligator, dragged it off the road and kept it corralled until police arrived, then set it free unharmed. Police reported him to the Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, which fined him for being in possession of an alligator. They said he should have concentrated on removing the women and children instead of the alligator. McCormick hasn’t decided whether to fight the ticket, but he said he’d do the same thing again.

 

STRANGE LAW: In California, selling a gold piece without tooth marks in it is considered forgery.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

William Vines rushed into a New York police station and told the officer on duty that two men in a BMW had tried to cut him off in traffic and had waved a gun at him. And, in fact, he thought they were still waiting for him outside. When the officer went to check on the situation he found two men trying to break into the trunk of William’s Malibu, right there in front of the police station. After arresting them, the officer decided to take a little look in the trunk to see what the guys were after. Perhaps William shouldn’t have informed the police… in his trunk was almost a half a million dollars worth of cocaine. Busted!

 

 

PHONER PHUN

What’s the biggest pet peeve of your spouse about you, that you don’t see as that big of a deal?  My wife hates it when I don’t put dirty dishes directly into the dishwasher – I place them in the sink.  Sure, I’m lazy – but her reaction seems a bit over the top sometimes.  What do you do that YOU don’t think is a big deal, but really annoys your SPOUSE?

 

Start it on Facebook then take it to the  phones: Has something ever happened TO you, or IN FRONT of you where you think, “I thought this only happened in movies?”

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What type of bird did Noah first send forth from the Ark?
ANSWER: A raven (Genesis 8:6,7)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: Buick introduced turn signals as standard equipment on cars in what year?

ANSWER: 1939…And people still don’t know how to use them.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention!  If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1!  First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. The average woman’s purse is 22 pounds. (False, 7)

 

  1. Tom Hanks sings and plays the piano for the theme song of “Frasier.” (False, Kelsey Grammar)

 

  1. Sheryl Crow wrote the theme songs for “The Facts of Life” and “Different Strokes.” (False, they were written by Alan Thicke, the father in the TV show “Growing Pains”)

 

  1. Paul Reiser plays the piano on the “Mad About You” theme. (True)

 

  1. The “pound” key on your keyboard (#) is called an octotroph. (True)

 

  1. The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat. (True)

 

  1. The “dot” over the letter “i” is called a tittle. (True)

 

  1. Coke originally contained pepsin. (False, Pepsi did – thus the name.)

 

  1. The original story from “Tales of 1001 Arabian Nights” begins, “Aladdin was a little Chinese boy.” (True)

 

  1. Nutmeg is poisonous. (True – extremely poisonous… if injected intravenously.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Man Arrested for Faxing _______ from Kinkos!”  (Death Threat)


In Milwaukee, 46-year-old John J. Miller, was arrested after he faxed hand-written and signed letters from a Kinko’s — letters threatening to kill a federal judge and to blow up a courthouse on the city’s east side. John had filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy back in 2004 but apparently has a long running dispute with Judge Susan Kelley who dismissed the case after he failed to make payments. He later sued officials in U.S. district court and lost. He then appealed to the 7th Circuit Court of Appeals and lost again. His big mistake was leaving the evidence behind. Employees at the Kinko’s found the threatening letter that included Miller’s name and phone number. He had faxed the letter to four area codes and then left it on a copy machine. An employee called Milwaukee police, who contacted the FBI. (Milwaukee Journal Sentinel) 

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

JOKE #1

“Hey you! Pull over!” shouted the traffic cop.

The lady complied, and the judge next day fined her twenty-five dollars.

She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, “One pullover, $25.”

 

JOKE #2

A couple of hours into a visit with my mother, she noticed I hadn’t once lit up a cigarette. “Are you trying to kick the habit?” she asked.

“No,” I replied. “I have a cold, and I don’t smoke when I’m not feeling well.”

“You know,” she observed, “you’d probably live longer if you were sick more often.”

 

JOKE #3

A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number. 
”I’ve had mine for twenty years,” she pleaded. “Couldn’t you change yours?” 
The company refused, so she said, “Fine. From now on, I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full.” 
The company got a new number the next day.

 

 

USELESS FACTS

In Australia, scientists came across a toad the size of a small dog.  ***MARLAR: Instead of turning into a prince when you kiss it, it turns into Prince, then the artist formerly known as Prince, and then back into Prince.

 

According to a new study, “definitely” is the most misspelled word in English. Also on the list were broccoli, phlegm, bureaucracy, indict, consensus, unnecessary, sacrilegious and prejudice.  ***MARLAR: At least I think those are the words… I wasn’t really sure how to spell them when I wrote them all down.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

UNUSUAL

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Ben got up to read his. “Papa fell in the well last week – “he began.

“Good heavens,” shrieked Mrs. Krup, the teacher. “Is he all right now?”

“He must be,” said little Ben. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday.”

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

YOU’RE PRESCRIBING WHAT?!?

Can cigarettes be healthy? Their ads used to say they were!

…If you’re under the age of 55, you may find it hard to believe that these were once prominent cigarette advertising slogans:

  • “Just what the doctor ordered.” – L & M cigarettes
  • “More doctors smoke Camels than any other Cigarette.” – Camels cigarettes

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

Today, when I awoke, I suddenly realized that this is the best day of my life, ever! There were times when I wondered if I would make it to today; but I did! And because I did I’m going to celebrate!
Today, I’m going to celebrate what an unbelievable life I have had so far: the accomplishments, the many blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because they have served to make me stronger. I will go through this day with my head held high, and a happy heart. I will marvel at God’s seemingly simple gifts: the morning dew, the sun, the clouds, the trees, the flowers, the birds. Today, none of these miraculous creations will escape my notice.
Today, I will share my excitement for life with other people. I’ll make someone smile. I’ll go out of my way to perform an unexpected act of kindness for someone I don’t even know. Today, I’ll give a sincere compliment to someone who seems down. I’ll tell a child how special he is, and I’ll tell someone I love just how deeply I care for her and how much she means to me.
Today is the day I quit worrying about what I don’t have and start being grateful for all the wonderful things God has already given me. I’ll remember that to worry is just a waste of time because my faith in God and his Divine Plan ensures everything will be just fine. And tonight, before I go to bed, I’ll go outside and raise my eyes to the heavens. I will stand in awe at the beauty of the stars and the moon, and I will praise God for these magnificent treasures.
As the day ends and I lay my head down on my pillow, I will thank the Almighty for the best day of my life. And I will sleep the sleep of a contented child, excited with expectation because I know tomorrow is going to be the best day of my life, ever!

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

SPIRITUAL CHECKUP

READ: Proverbs 4:20-27

Examine me, O Lord. —Psalm 26:2

Given a choice, I’d probably not voluntarily visit my doctor for a physical exam. I’m inclined to assume that everything is okay and not bother my doctor about it. But since my wife is a nurse, I don’t have a choice. I go in for regular exams.

And given a choice, many of us are a little afraid of spiritual checkups as well. After all, if we check our spirit too closely, we might have to change a habit or two. We might need something like an “attitude-ectomy.”

I suggest that we get over our reluctance. With God’s guidance, let’s undergo a spiritual checkup, using Proverbs 4:20-27 as a checklist.

Ears (v.20): Are we hearing God’s Word clearly and with understanding? Are we doing what those words tell us?

Eyes (vv.21,25): Are we keeping our eyes on the teachings that will guide us toward righteousness?

Heart (v.23): Are we protecting our heart from evil?

Tongue (v.24): Is our mouth clean and pure?

Feet (v.26): Are we walking straight toward God’s truth without wavering?

How did you do on your examination? Are there areas where you need to take action? Regular checkups will help to restore your spiritual vitality. —Dave Branon

 

Create in me a clean heart, O God,
Show me the way that Jesus has trod;
Then I will tell of Your saving grace,
Until the day when I see Your face.  —Hess

 

A spiritual checkup is the key to spiritual health.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

HISTORY IS HISTORY

Are we getting way too politically correct? Manchester’s Stockport College, as part of their “equal opportunity awareness” program is educating their staff on words they shouldn’t use because they could be offensive to some people. The list includes:

  • “Ladies” and “gentlemen”, because of their associations with social class.
  • “Mad,” “crazy” and “manic” have been ruled out as derogatory to people with mental health problems.
  • “Manmade” and “man in the street” were ruled potentially sexist.
  • “History”, because “his” – “story” is sexist.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

THINGS A GROWN MAN SHOULD NEVER HAVE

We found this cool list at MensHealth.com.

  • A black eye. Unless the rim hits your face mid-dunk, your peepers should remain unblemished. You’re smart enough to talk your way out of any fight you’re going to lose.
  • A witty e-mail signature. Quotes and song lyrics should be heard during toasts and karaoke performances, respectively. Don’t let your electronic correspondence become the digital version of a motivational poster.
  • PlayStation thumb. When they’re relaxing, grown men can behave like children. But if you devolve long enough to cause calluses or button-shaped bruises, you’re assuredly missing out on life.
  • A key chain with a bottle opener.
  • A lucky shirt. Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he’ll be.
  • An unstamped passport.
  • Less than $20 in his wallet.  A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.
  • The need to quote movies like The Big Lebowski, Caddyshack, Superbad, etc. Reciting someone else’s lines reminds people that you haven’t the wit to write your own.
  • Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything.
  • A Nerf hoop in his living room. Keep the adolescent accoutrements where they belong: in the rec room or above the wastebasket in someone else’s office.
  • A secret handshake.
  • Drinking glasses with logos. Especially those kitschy McDonald’s Hamburglar ones.
  • A recent story with the phrase “So I said to the cop… “

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

FROG IN MY THROAT

A couple of months after undergoing knee surgery, a Michigan woman complained to her doctor and told him that she was having trouble swallowing. A year later, 80-year-old Alice Hoppe complained to her doctor that she had been choking on her food. 4 months later, the doctor discovered the problem. According to reports, her lower denture was caught in her throat, apparently having lodged there during the knee operation. Looking back, Hoppe told her doctor that someone had lost her dentures when she was in the hospital, which he noted in his chart but did nothing about. ***MARLAR: How does her lower denture get lodged in her throat during a knee operation?  Are they reaching down to the knee cap from the esophagus?

 

 

FUN LIST

MURPHY’S RELATIVES?

Okay, you’ve heard of Murphy’s famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. There are many other related Laws, as well. Here are some:

  • After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. –Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical Repair
  • Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner. –Anthony’s Law of the Workshop
  • Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. –Tussman’s Law
  • If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. –Lowery’s Law
  • The solution to a problem changes the problem. –Peer’s Law
  • The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. –Ehrlich’s Law
  • Thinly sliced cabbage. –Cole’s Law

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

PARENTS CLEVER ABOUT SNEAKING GOODS FOODS INTO KIDS’ DIETS

Parents are getting clever about sneaking nutritious foods into their kids’ diets, and there’s an entire collection of books, websites, and forums dedicated to the pursuit. Popular tricks include baking low-sugar carrot bread, using spiral cutters to turn zucchini into long, pasta-like strands, and replacing mashed potatoes with pureed cauliflower.  For more tips there’s a website that’s a good source of ideas: TheSneakyChef.com.

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

If you’re heading out soon to get some sun, you probably know to pack sunblock. But a new study finds that consumers don’t always choose the most effective sunscreens. According to ABC News, many sunscreens that consumers give high marks to do not adhere to the guidelines set by the American Academy of Dermatology. Researchers from multiple institutions looked at the top-rated one percent of sunscreens on Amazon to see whether people are picking the sunscreens that provide the best protection. They found that about 40 percent did not fully adhere to criteria set out by the AAD. Researchers also found that consumers were most apt to cite “cosmetic elegance” –- how the product feels, smells or its color — in their reviews as a positive feature of a sunscreen.  http://abcn.ws/29laBj3

 

An orphaned elk just wants to be friends — with everyone, it seems. According to Yahoo News, Buttons has been showing up in a small community Washington State since she was little. So when firefighters from Kittitas County Fire District No. 7 showed up to fight a hill side fire earlier this month, Buttones wanted to be a part of the effort. Firefighters said the elk just wandered into their command post with about 10 people there. They said: She doesn’t leave you alone either. She’s pretty insistent that she wants to be part of the group.”  http://abcn.ws/29vmmWO

 

Last week, “The Ark Encounter,” a 510-foot replica of Noah’s Ark as it is described in the Old Testament, opened in Kentucky. According to Relevant magazine, the ark includes a variety of different kinds of animals and Bible exhibits. The giant vessel is made almost entirely out of actual wood. The $100 million attraction was built by the organization Answers in Genesis, the same organization behind the nearby Creation Museum.  http://relm.ag/5cdHjUO

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Early to bed and early to rise, makes you an old fuddy-duddy like Benjamin Franklin.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet.  For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org.  Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

JULY 08, 2016…

 

Captain Fantastic—The story is set in a wilderness where Viggio Mortensen has settled to raise a family. When there is a dramatic event, he has to pull the family together and go for help. Another reason not to live miles and miles from a road.  “Captain Fantastic” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

The Secret Life Of Pets—So, you think your pet sleeps all day when you aren’t there?  Ha!  Think again. In this animated film, the pets of a certain household live together well, until the owner rescues another dog and then things go awry fast.  Voices of Lake Bell, Louis C. K., Bobby Moynihan, Eric Stonestreet and Kevin Hart. I remember two Pekes who had memorable lives when their owners weren’t home. “The Secret Life Of Pets” is rated PG. Rating of 3 for pet fans.

 

Mike And Dave Need Wedding Dates—Mike and David (actually Zac Efron and Adam Devine) are brothers who need dates for their sister’s wedding.  To find girls, they put an ad on the Internet.  They find two girls alright, but the girls are wild party-types who proceed to destroy most everything around. Not such a bright idea. “Mike And Dave Need Wedding Dates” is rated R. No rating.

 

Zero Days (documentary)—This is a film about the making and use of the Malware Worm Stuxnet, that was used against Iranian defense. Supposedly made in the U.S.? Director is Alex Gibney. “Zero Days” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

JULY 15, 2016…

 

Equals is set in a society where emotions are not allowed. Stars Kirsten Stewart.

 

Ghostbusters renews itself with a female cast as they proceed to hunt evil spirits in the Big City. Stars Melissa McCarthy and Kristen Wiig. Who actually needed a remake?

 

The Infiltrator has Bryan Cranston (in a true story) playing someone who is trying to go into the Escobar family and find the drug money trail.

 

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WARNING:    Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned.  (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are.  So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.  Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.