July 17, 2017: Monday ONAIRprep

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WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

Before we begin I’d just like to say, if this doesn’t work out, we’ll all meet at Burger King, stick French fries in our ears, and take pictures.

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. — Ephesians 4:32

In Christ, all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority. — Colossians 2:9-10

HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT

(From VerseOfTheDay.com)

Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, “The LORD has done great things for them.” — Psalm 126:2

Thought: So many of us are so richly blessed — if not by physical and financial blessings, then most definitely by God’s gracious spiritual blessings. The Lord has done great things for us! Let’s praise him with songs of praise and lives full of laughter and joy!

Prayer: Generous and gracious Father, thank you so much for the many ways you have blessed me. Your gift of salvation through your Son Jesus is so incredible and gives me hope and confidence for the future. May all the physical and financial blessings you’ve shared with me bring glory to you, not me! In Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY (The chapter and verse correspond to the month and day!)

1 Corinthians 7:17 NIV = Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him . . .

TODAY IS MONDAY – JULY 17, 2017

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY
161 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Today is NATIONAL GET OUT OF THE DOGHOUSE DAY.  ***A popular day with married men.

Today is WRONG WAY CORRIGAN DAY. It was on this day in 1938 that Douglas “Wrong Way” Corrigan left New York for LA, but wound up in Ireland. ***“Gee, the Mississippi River is a lot wider than I thought it would be…”

Today is DISNEYLAND DAY. America’s first theme park opened on this date in 1955 at Anaheim, California.  ***I’ve never been.  I never really cared for amusement parks.  Hamburgers the price of two gallons of gas, the sun frying me to a crisp, and standing in line for an hour and a half in order to ride a roller-coaster for sixty seconds.  No thanks.

This is CAPTIVE NATIONS WEEK.  ***The ironic thing is that, if you happen to be in a captive nation, you probably will never know your nation is a captive nation and won’t be celebrating Captive Nations Week because, well, you’re in a captive nation and they’d never admit to being a captive nation.

Today is WEAR CRAZY SOCKS TO WORK DAY.  ***I used to love crazy socks – but I don’t own any now.  I’d like to think it’s because I’ve matured a bit, but the truth is that Robin threw all of my Looney Tunes socks into the trash when she found out I wore Daffy Duck socks during our wedding ceremony.  No, I’m not kidding – I really did that.

CRAZY SOCKS…

Today is “Wear Crazy Socks To Work Day.”
Immediately I feel it’s something I should get behind and promote on the show, but I realize that I myself am not able to celebrate such a glorious holiday. It’s not that we have rules at the radio station against crazy clothing or anything – heck, if that were the case we’d have to lynch half the sales staff for showing up in those blinding ties. No, it has nothing to do with any kind of dress code.
The fact of the matter is that I have no crazy socks. I guess I could show up with NO socks, but that doesn’t really fit the spirit of the occasion. I used to have crazy socks though… but that was years ago.
Back in March of 1995, to be precise. I know exactly when my crazy socks disappeared because it coincided with an important event in my life. My wedding day.
My job for the wedding was simple. Show up on time, and be sure to wear black socks. Now, while I did hold to the letter of the law that was passed down to me from my bride-to-be, I did not follow the spirit of said law.
Just before the wedding my bride asked me to lift my pant legs so she could be sure I was wearing the black socks. I did, she saw that I had followed her decree, and she was happy.
Three minutes later when she left the room before the wedding ceremony, I peeled off my top layer of black socks to reveal the black Daffy Duck socks underneath… all with video camera recording so when forced to watch our wedding ceremony again later that evening (which I knew was going to happen – and I was dreading it) at least we’d have something to laugh about.
Fast forward six hours to the hotel room. The wine has been poured, the whirlpool bath is whirling, the lights are down low, and using the remote control in her hands, Robin selects “PLAY” on the VCR. (Yes, we’ve been married for just six hours and already she has control over the remote… my manhood is gone.)
My Daffy Duck socks disappeared the next day. As did my Yosemite Sam socks, my Daffy Duck socks, and my Marvin the Martian socks.
Oh well, I had to mature eventually.

TODAY IS ALSO…

Disneyland Day
National Get Out of the Doghouse Day
Global Hug Your Kid Day
Victims of Baton Rouge, Louisiana Attack Day
World Emoji Day
Wrong Way Corrigan Day
Yellow Pig Day

COMING UP NEXT (Just a list, we are not endorsing the holidays posted below. Find more holidays and link to their websites at BrownieLocks.com)

TUESDAY, JULY 18

National Caviar Day
National Sour Candy Day
Nelson Mandela International Day

WEDNESDAY, JULY 19

Flitch Day
National Hot Dog Day
Take Your Poet To Work Week

THURSDAY, JULY 20

Get to Know Your Customers Day
International Cake Day
Moon Day
Space Exploration Day
National Lollipop Day
World Jump Day

FRIDAY, JULY 21

Legal Drinking Age Day
No Pet Store Puppies Day

SATURDAY, JULY 22

Casual Pi Day
Fragile X Awareness Day
National Day of the Cowboy
National Penuche Fudge Day
Rat-catchers Day
Spooners (Spoonerism) Day

SUNDAY, JULY 23

Aunties Day
Gorgeous Grandma Day
Hot Enough For Ya Day
Parents’ Day

MONDAY, JULY 24

Cousins Day
National Drive-Thru Day
National Tequila Day
National Thermal Engineers Day
Tell An Old Joke Day

ON THIS DAY

1821: Spain ceded Florida to the United States.

1861: Congress authorized paper money. ***And thanks to Presidents Bush & Obama, the printing presses at the National Mint are running night and day!

1913: Keystone studios released the movie A Noise From the Deep in U.S. theaters. The film featured a Hollywood first when actress Mabel Normand hit “Fatty” Arbuckle in the face with a pie.

1938: Douglas “Wrong Way” Corrigan left New York for LA, but wound up in Ireland. ***“Gee, the MISSISSIPPI RIVER is a lot WIDER than I thought it would be…”

1939: Charlie Barnet and his orchestra, featuring Billy May’s trumpet, recorded “Cherokee” for Bluebird Records.

1941: Yankee Joe DiMaggio went 0-3 in Cleveland, ending his record 56-game hitting streak.

1955: Disneyland opened in Anaheim, California. ***“It’s A Small World After All” has been playing continuously since, and miraculously none of the Disneyland employees have gone berserk and taken hostages.

1961: Ty Cobb, believed by many to be the greatest baseball player of all time, died of cancer at age 74. Born Tyrus Raymond, Cobb was nicknamed “The Georgia Peach.”

1962: 18-year-old Peter Fechter, shot atop the Berlin Wall while try to flee to the West, fell back into East Berlin and lay for over an hour while both East German and U.S. troops watched him die.

1982: 52-year-old Don Bennett of Seattle became the first one-legged mountain climber to hop to the top of 14,408-foot Mount Rainier on crutches. Before losing a leg in a boating accident, he had climbed the mountain 12 years earlier with two legs.

1990: At Boston’s Fenway Park, the Minnesota Twins became the first major-league team in history to get two triple plays in one game.

1990: The U.S. issued a patent (#4,942,044) to Nicholas Ruggieri of Rochester, New York, for his Spaghetti Sipper, a container that allows you to eat spaghetti through a straw while strolling at fairs and malls. ***To make it, you boiled it and then threw the container against the wall to see if it would stick.

1995: Forbes magazine listed Microsoft CEO Bill Gates as the world’s richest person. Net worth: $12.9-billion.

1995: Two goats jumped into a 5-foot deep lake in Inner Mongolia and drowned. Then, 206 goats and 43 other animals followed the first two to their death. Herders were able to keep 281 sheep from following suit.

1997: Woolworth closed its last 400 stores. The five and dime chain lasted 117 years.

1998: Pola Brown of London discovered why her new Mercedes SLK 230, capable of 140 miles an hour, would go only 30 miles an hour. A hoarding squirrel had disabled the $60-thousand sports car by hiding five pounds of nuts in the air filter.

1999: A suspected drug trafficker was arrested in Astoria, Oregon, when the cocaine he had stashed down his pants was burning his crotch so bad he had to ask police to remove it. Police were questioning the suspect while he sat in his car.

2004: California Governor. Arnold Schwarzenegger mocked Democrats with the term ”girlie men,” claiming they were delaying the state budget by catering to special interests.

2006: An earthquake under the Indian Ocean triggered a tsunami that struck the Indonesian island of Java, killing close to 700 people. Around 200 were reported missing and thousands were rendered homeless. A second quake hit the area two days later.

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

180: Seven men and five women who had been captured carrying “the sacred books, and the letters of Paul” are tried before Roman proconsul Saturninus. Since none would renounce their Christian faith, all 12 were beheaded.

431: The Council of Ephesus ajourns, having rejected Nestorianism (the idea that Christ had two persons, not two natures) and condemned Pelagianism.(a doctrine refuting human depravity)

1274: The Council of Lyons II ends. An attempt was made to reunite the eastern and western churches, but although accord seemed to be reached, nothing came of it.

1505: Martin Luther enters the Augustinian monastery at Erfurt.

1674: Isaac Watts, author of about 600 hymns, is born in Southampton, England.

1798: Issac Watts preaches first sermon.

1917: Charles Fuller is converted under the preaching of Paul Radar, a former boxer and wrestler. Unable to muster the courage to go forward in the meeting, he drives to a nearby park and gives his life to Christ under the shade of a eucalyptus tree. He goes on become a minister and a widely heard preacher on the Old Fashioned Bible Hour.

1942: Paul W. Fleming organizes New Tribes Mission which becomes one of the largest Fundamentalist missions in the world, dedicated especially to training Christian workers, translating the Bible and reaching tribes with the gospel.

HOLLYWOOD AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (Click, “Baywatch”, “America’s Got Talent”, “Knight Rider”) David Hasselhoff 65 (audio clip)

  • actress (The Jazz Singer, “The Lucie Arnaz Show”, daughter to Lucille Ball & Desi Arnaz – brother to Desi Arnaz, Jr.) Lucie Arnaz 66

  • actress (Ida Grayson on “Lonesome Dove: The Series”, Marion Gilbert on “A Different World”) Diahann Carroll 82 (audio clip)

  • actor (Space Cowboys, M*A*S*H the movie, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, The Italian Job, Animal House, “Commander In Chief”, “Crossing Lines”) Donald Sutherland 82 (audio clip)

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1932 : Vince Guaraldi

1933 : Mimi Hines

1939 : Spencer Davis (The Spencer Davis Group)

1942 : Gale Garnett

1947 : Mick Tucker (Sweet)

1947 : Wolfgang Flur (Kraftwerk)

1948 : Ron Asheton (The Stooges)

1949 : Terence “Geezer” Butler (Black Sabbath)

1949 : Mike Vale (Tommy James and The Shondells)

1952 : Nicolette Larson

1952 : Phoebe Snow

1952 : Chet McCracken (The Doobie Brothers)

1963 : Regina Belle

1971 : JC (PM Dawn)

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE (Answering questions that have plagued mankind for minutes!)

What was the first computer virus, and who can we blame for starting the hobby of creating computer viruses? We’ll find out, coming up next… assuming my computer doesn’t crash between now and then.

What was the first computer virus? We can trace the “germ” of the idea to John von Neumann, the father of the computer program. In the late 40s, he came up with the notion of a program that could reproduce itself. In the 60s, when time-sharing on large computers was still common, two programmers at the Bell Labs invented a routine that could steal time on the machine from other programmers. By the early 80s, several harmless programs that we would recognize as computer viruses had been demonstrated on Apple computers. With self-replication and the potential ability to cause mischief in place, the stage was set for real digital deviance. In 1985, the EGABTR virus, disguised as a graphics program, was spread via email. It wiped out everything on a hard disk, leaving only the message, “Arf, arf, Gotcha!” Now that’s just doggoned clever.

NEWS KICKERS

(No news on the weekends. Want a customized audio version, FREE? Email me for more information! )

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

Snortable chocolate powder is now available in the U.S.  ***Why?  Your guess is as good as mine.

An MIT researcher was arrested on federal charges of insider trading. Prosecutors say the man googled “how sec detect unusual trade” before he bought numerous stocks and options that netted him around $120,000 in illicit profits. The man also searched for phrases such as “insider trading in an international account.”  ***If you’re doing something illegal, you might want to erase your browser history.

A British study conducted by researchers at Warwick University shows that receiving a promotion may pad your wallet, but it also could be bad for your mental health, leading to more stress, anxiety and depression that you’re too busy to properly treat.  ****Yeah, maybe… but I’m willing to risk it.

A giant iceberg about the size of Delaware that had been under scientists’ watch has broken off from an ice shelf on the Antarctica Peninsula and is now adrift in the Weddell Sea. ***Everybody – time to panic!  It’ll float here in about 80 years at which point it will have already melted and no longer be newsworthy – everybody run!!!!

Researchers in Scotland say that when dogs listen to music, they seem happiest when listening to reggae or soft rock. ***That’s strange. I would’ve guessed they would like “Who Let The Dogs Out”.

During his recent arrest for public drunkenness, Shia LaBeouf told a black police officer that he’s going to hell because of his skin color. ***Aaaaand thus ends the career of Shia LaBeouf.

Some places (maybe your state?) have taxed sugary drinks like soda and sports drinks. In France it’s now illegal to sell unlimited soft drinks at a fixed price or offer them unlimited for free.  ***Fine – sell the soft drink, and then all refills are only a penny each.  There you go, problem solved.

Macy’s is going to try “Black Fridays in July” to boost sales. ***Which sounds crazy – until you realize that’s about the time Walmart starts putting out the Christmas decorations.

If you’ve been feeling a little under-the-weather lately but can’t figure out what’s wrong, maybe you just need an old woman to lick your eyeball. Yep! Over in Bosina, 80-year-old Hava Celebic, or “Nana Hava” as she is known to locals in her village, has supposedly cured 5,000 people using the unusual technique and claims to be the only person in the world who possess the ability to heal with her tongue. She charges 10 euros, or about $11 bucks, for the procedure in which uses her tongue to remove pieces of lead, iron, coal, sawdust and glass from eyeballs after sterilizing her mouth with alcohol.  ***You know, it sounds to me like maybe she like to sterilize her mouth with alcohol even when by herself.  A lot.

MSNBC host Joe Scarborough has announced he is leaving the Republican Party.  ***To which the entire world responded, “Wait – MSNBC hired a Republican?”

Love doing things on Facebook? Well, guess what? In reality, it is making you blue. A Harvard University study found that the Internet networking site and other social media “are major contributors to career anxiety.” In fact, the researchers declare: “It is actually making us miserable.” Ironically, Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook while attending Harvard, but the Boston university’s researchers say the web site “creates an online culture of competition and comparison,” steals away our time and prevents us from forming close relationships. And a comparable study at Stanford University reveals that many users have more negative experiences on social sites and overestimate exactly how much fun other people who use them are actually having. “Facebook is making us unhappy by making everyone else look really, really happy,” says Harvard study spearhead Daniel Gulati. How can you avoid the Facebook traps? Experts advice setting a designated time to go online, instead of checking in on your personal page throughout the day. And to build closer and more rewarding relationships, meet with your real world friends for a meal or drinks, instead of just posting messages online.   ***If you want to read this story for yourself or share it with a friend, I’ve posted it to my Facebook page.

That makes five times that Nancy Pelosi has called President Trump “President Bush.”  ***Is there not a time during Alzheimer’s where you just need to get out of the public eye?

A Washington State man is being charged with sending a bomb along with one of his fingers to the IRS. ***Yeah, this guy definitely needs to be locked up – but you have to admit, we’ve all wanted to give the IRS one of our fingers.

A report says the super-rich are buying nuclear safe bunkers in Kansas to survive an apocalyptic event. ***Unless you’re planning on moving to Kansas, how does this help you?  If you’re one of the ultra-rich in Los Angeles and nuclear war breaks out, you ain’t gonna be able to make your way to bread basket of the country. You’ll likely be charred remains while complete strangers already living in Kansas will take comfort in knowing that you unknowingly built them a nuclear safe bunker.

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

Employers watch out – your workers can’t wait to quit.  According to a survey by job-placement firm Manpower, 84% of employees plan to look for a new position in the next year. That’s up from just 60% last year.  ***Tell me about it.  I can’t wait to get away from my boss… oh wait, is this microphone on?!?!  Uh oh…

A rolled up newspaper can be an effective training tool for your pet when used properly.  For instance, use the rolled-up newspaper if your dog chews up something inappropriate or has a housebreaking accident.  ***Bring the dog over to the destroyed object (or mess), then take the rolled-up newspaper… and hit yourself over the head as you repeat the phrase: “I FORGOT TO WATCH MY DOG, I FORGOT TO WATCH MY DOG!”

Gone are the days when men relied on their mothers to fill their Christmas stockings with new undies, replacing old holey ones. Apparently guys are increasingly shopping for colorful, tight-fitting underwear in the same way that women hunt for the latest sexy bras. Retail experts say designs are getting bolder, and men are becoming more body conscious about their underwear.  ***I can tell you that I am VERY body conscious about my underwear.  In fact, I look for underwear that will cover as much of my body as possible.

Cursive is slowly being phased out in most schools. ***Which is a good thing – I mean really, school kids shouldn’t be using language like that.

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE

OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, all of the jungle animals tried to make friends with a giant gorilla who’d been leaving footprints around the jungle – but that didn’t work. And they were so scared they didn’t know what to do… until finally, they stopped and prayed and asked God for help. Suddenly they heard… music!

CLOSE: And all the animals foxtrotted happily ever after. Well, at least until sundown. Tune in next time as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another inspiringly inspiring inspirational story in the never-ending deep-jungle soap-opera saga that is As the Jungle Turns!

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.

MOMENT OF DUH

Rocket scientists get lost – in their own neighborhood!

Two dozen Caltech students were rescued after getting stranded on the Mount Wilson Toll Road.  In case you don’t know, Caltech, A.K.A. the California Institute of Technology, is the academic home of NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory.  Caltech faculty and alumni have received 32 Nobel Prizes for their achievements in science and engineering.  The annual Mount Wilson Night, when freshmen are initiated into the Page House dormitory at Caltech, started off as planned. The group had a large dinner and the young men and women were then taken to the Mount Wilson Observatory for the planned 10-mile descent down the road.  A quarter-mile from the bottom, the group got stranded in Eaton Canyon where the landslide blocked their path. Rescuers were called in at about 3 a.m.  The students didn’t have flashlights, warm clothes or other important supplies.  “Going up those trails in the middle of the night without any safety equipment and no lighting is pretty stupid,” said Deputy Greg Gabriel, who leads the Altadena Search and Rescue team.  Yes it was stupid.  Did I mention yet that these soon-to-be-scientist students were wearing Superman capes, tutus and other odd attire as part of a hazing stunt?  “You’ve got to remember that common sense is not factored into the intelligence quotient,” said Deputy Gabriel.  Come on, Caltech, this isn’t rocket science!  Oops!  Wait a minute… yes it is.

TOP TEN

TOP TEN SIGNS THAT THE MODELING BUSINESS IS NOT FOR YOU

10. You have a strikingly similar resemblance to Michael Jackson, play-doh nose and all.

9. You have to use your acting skill to adopt that “blank” look.

8. You have Michael Moore’s body, Don King’s hair, and Al Gore’s stage presence.

7. You took your painted Middle Earth figures with you to showcase your talent for Claudia Schiffer’s open auditions.

6. You aspire to be the person who single-handedly brings back “acid washed.”

5. You can’t put Vaseline on your teeth because you don’t have any.

4. Your previous experience in front of the lens mostly includes photos taken from security video cameras and mugshots.

3. Your fashion sense consists of one question: “Are those pants stretchy?”

2. Gerald Ford took grace lessons from you.

1. In the waiting room at the agency, you sneezed and blew all the other applicants out the window.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Why on earth would people want to steal manhole covers?

FILE #1: Officials in Flint, Michigan, have had to replace hundreds of manhole covers and grates that were likely stolen and sold for scrap. According to the Flint Journal newspaper, nearly 400 cast iron covers and grates have been stolen in the past year. A cover can fetch $20 from a scrap yard but can cost the city more than $200 to replace. Officials in neighboring Burton have lost about 200 covers and grates in the last year.

FILE #2: A Belleville, Illinois, man who has been jailed several times for stealing women’s socks has been arrested again. James Dowdy was charged with a felony count of residential burglary after he allegedly entered a basement through a window and stole a pair of socks early Monday morning. His bail is set at $100,000. Dowdy was sentenced to prison in 2004, 1997 and 1994 for burglary-related charges tied to his sock fetish. His mother says she wants a court to order her son committed to a mental-health hospital.

FILE #3: Not returning overdue library books is costing a Denver man a lot more than just late fees. Thomas Pilaar has been sentenced to 10 years in prison for trying to sell hundreds of books and DVDs he checked out from Denver-area public libraries. Prosecutors say he had taken about 1,400 books and movies. Only about a third have been recovered. The borrowing bandit was also ordered to pay the libraries more than $53,000.

STRANGE LAW: In Texas, the entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

A man blames his gambling problem on prescription medication… that he’s not prescribed to!

A former Wall Street banker who said he lost $3 million from compulsive gambling is blaming the prescription medication Mirapex, a popular drug used to treat Parkinson’s disease. Randolph Simens is suing German drugmaker Boehringer Ingelheim, Pfizer and Pharmacia & Upjohn, claiming that when he took the drug from 2002 to 2007, he developed an insatiable appetite for gambling. A rep for Pfizer said the company has not made Mirapex since 2005, when medical studies first linked the drug to compulsive behaviors, including gambling.  So he must be using the drug illegally.

PHONER PHUN

This is NATIONAL GET OUT OF THE DOGHOUSE DAY. Hey men, what usually works with your wife in order to get you out of the doghouse? Dinner? Flowers? Love poem? Nothing? Give us the info and possible save some other men from frustration and misery!

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: What bird does the lover in the Song of Solomon compare his beloved’s eyes to?
ANSWER: The dove (Song of Solomon 1:15)

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: How long of a line can you write with one #2 lead pencil?

ANSWER: The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long.

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

1. Actor Christian Bale did a commercial at age 9 for Pacman Cereal. (True)

2. Elvis weighed 230 pounds at the time of his death. (True)

3. Vincent Van Gogh sold one painting during his entire life. (True)

4. The 80s song “Rosanna” from the Eighties was written about Rosanna Arquette. (True)

5. Mae West was the first actress to appear on the cover of Life magazine. (False, Jean Harlow)

6. Christopher Columbus invented the scissors. (False, Leonardo Da Vinci)

7. Cell phones are responsible for at least 2500 emergency room visits every year. (True)

8. Actress Shirley MacLaine made her debut in the Alfred Hitchcock film “Psycho.” (False, “The Trouble with Harry”)

9. Walmart was initially known as Children’s Bargain Town. (False, that’s Toys R Us)

10. Christian Bale’s Grandmother is Barbara Bush. (False, Gloria Steinem)

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Man Assaults Another Man With His ______________ Homework!”  (Anger Management)

27-year-old Justin Boudin of St. Paul, Minnesota was actually on his way to an anger management class when he got into an argument with a 59-year-old woman at a bus stop. When she took out her cell phone to call police he allegedly hit her in the face. When a 63-year-old man tried to stop him, Justin started hitting him with a blue folder containing his anger management class homework!

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY 

JOKE #1

The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, “What kinds of ice cream do you have?”
Apparently having lost her voice, the girl behind the counter replied, “Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry.”

“Do you have laryngitis?” the man asked.
“Nope,” he girl whispered, “just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.”

JOKE #2

When their family moved cross-country, Barry and his wife decided to drive both their cars. Nathan, their eight-year-old, worriedly asked, “How will we keep from getting separated?”

“We’ll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other,” Barry reassured him.

“Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?” he persisted.

“Well, then I guess we’ll never see each other again,” Barry quipped.

“Okay,” he said. “I’m riding with Mom.”

JOKE #3

Jim frequently receives calls from pollsters asking him to participate in telephone surveys.  One woman began with a barrage of questions.  “Wait a moment,” Jim said.  “Who are you and whom do you represent?”
She told him and immediately continued asking questions.
”What’s the purpose of this survey?” Jim asked.

“Sir,” she replied irritably, “I don’t have time to answer your questions.”  Then she hung up.

USELESS FACTS

Some doctors believe that if you want kids to develop healthy immune systems, they need to be exposed to germs, pet hair, peanut butter and intestinal worms before age three.  ***And people say my mother didn’t raise me right!

College students smoke three times as much as non-college students the same age.  ***Doesn’t that go against the idea of college students being smarter?

FEATURED FUNNIES

CAR ALARMS
Adam was with a friend in a cafe when a noisy car alarm interrupted their conversation. “What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?” Adam wondered aloud.

“Some are quite effective,” his friend corrected him. “Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time over at the neighbor’s house. Whenever I wanted him home, I’d go out to the driveway and jostle his car.”

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

If you find a $1,000 bill should you put it in the bank? Absolutely not!

Officials of the American Savings Bank in Munster, Indiana, say a woman deposited two crisp $1,000 bills. Bank president Michael Mellon says they called the customer to have her take the bills back – not because they were fake, but because they are worth a lot more than the face value. A rare coin dealer says the bills could be worth up to $4,500 each. The bills were issued in 1934 and have been out of circulation for decades. The woman said she got the bills from a relative a few years ago.

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

AN ACT OF KINDNESS FOR A BROKEN HEART

by Meladee McCarty

My husband, Hanoch, and I wrote a book Acts of Kindness: How to Create a Kindness Revolution, which has generated much interest across America. This story was shared with us by an anonymous caller during a radio talk show in Chicago.

“Hi, Mommy, what are you doing?” asked Susie.

“I’m making a casserole for Mrs. Smith next door,” said her mother.

“Why?” asked Susie, who was only six years old.

“Because Mrs. Smith is very sad; she lost her daughter and she has a broken heart. We need to take care of her for a little while.”

“Why, Mommy?”

“You see, Susie, when someone is very, very sad, they have trouble doing the little things like making dinner or other chores. Because we’re part of a community and Mrs. Smith is our neighbor, we need to do some things to help her. Mrs. Smith won’t ever be able to talk with her daughter or hug her or do all those wonderful things that mommies and daughters do together. You are a very smart girl, Susie; maybe you’ll think of some way to help take care of Mrs. Smith.”

Susie thought seriously about this challenge and how she could do her part in caring for Mrs. Smith. A few minutes later, Susie knocked on her door. After a few moments Mrs. Smith answered the knock with a “Hi, Susie.”

Susie noticed that Mrs. Smith didn’t have that familiar musical quality about her voice when she greeted someone.

Mrs. Smith also looked as though she might have been crying because her eyes were watery and swollen.”What can I do for you, Susie?” asked Mrs. Smith.

“My mommy says that you lost your daughter and you’re very, very sad with a broken heart.” Susie held her hand out shyly. In it was a Band-Aid. “This is for your broken heart.” Mrs. Smith gasped, choking back her tears. She knelt down and hugged Susie. Through her tears she said, “Thank you, darling girl, this will help a lot.”

Mrs. Smith accepted Susie’s act of kindness and took it one step further. She purchased a small key ring with a plexiglass picture frame — the ones designed to carry keys and proudly display a family portrait at the same time. Mrs. Smith placed Susie’s Band-Aid in the frame to remind herself to heal a little every time she sees it. She wisely knows that healing takes time and support. It has become her symbol for healing, while not forgetting the joy and love she experienced with her daughter.

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

SEIZE THE OPPORTUNITY

READ: Acts 8:26-38

As we have opportunity, let us do good to all. —Galatians 6:10

Heavy rain was falling outside as Marcia, the director of the Jamaican Christian School for the Deaf, spoke to our group. Thirty-four teenagers and several adults were visiting the school. But the rain or the children running around the room did not distract one of our students.

That teenager heard Marcia say, “My dream for these kids is to have a playground.” She took that sentence, and through the prompting of the Lord turned it into an idea. Later that day she told me, “We should come back and build them a playground.” An opportunity for service was born.

A little over 4 months later, on another rainy day in Jamaica, we held a celebration in that same room. We had just assembled a wooden playground—complete with slides, a ladder, climbing bars, swings, forts, and a trapeze. One student seized an opportunity, and a dream was fulfilled.

How often does God prompt us to take action to meet the needs of others and we let the opportunity go? How many times does the Spirit nudge us to say or do something in Jesus’ name and we shake off the nudging? Like Philip in Acts 8, let’s honor the Lord by responding with action. Let’s seize each opportunity God gives us to serve others in His name. —Dave Branon

Jesus said to one and all:
“Take your cross and follow Me.”
When you sense the Spirit’s call,
Seize the opportunity!  —Hess

When the Spirit prompts, take action.

LEFTOVERS

JOIN THE JUNK-MAIL CAMPAIGN!

I’ve been thinking about the problem with the Post Office not making any money – which is why they keep raising the postal rates on us. I think I’ve come up with a way to not only increase their business greatly, but also to get rid of some of that junk mail that keeps showing up in our mail boxes.

I’ve mentioned on the show before that the U.S. Post Office is having some problems with finances because so many people are using email nowadays instead of writing letters and sending greeting cards. But I think I may have a way to remedy that problem… as well as get rid of some junk mail in the process. I’d encourage you to tell all your friends about this one, as it’ll take all of our cooperation to make it work.  This idea came to me via email and it’s so ingenious that I think it just may work.  You know those pre-approved letters you receive in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that? Well most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right? Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes? Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Or a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn’t get anything else that day, then just send them their application back – don’t fill out the application, just return it in the postage-prepaid envelope.  Heck, you can send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep ’em guessing! In fact, let’s turn this whole thing into a huge campaign and get all of our family and friends involved! Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting all their junk back in the mail. Let’s let them know what it’s like to get junk mail, and best of all… THEY’RE paying for it! Twice! Let’s help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting into their business, and that’s why they need to increase postage again! (I absolutely LOVE this idea… we need to get everyone involved in this one!)

LIFE… LIVE IT

Men… we’ll reveal the secret to a happy marriage, but you may not like it.

Guys, if you want a happy marriage, the answer is simple: do whatever she says. Also, be sure to do it immediately and the way she wants it done. Forget about the modern psycho-babble about “active listening” and “validation.” Just do what she wants. That’s the official word from top psychologist John Gottman. He says his studies show that the majority of marriages that work are those where the husband has mastered the two most important words: “Yes, dear.”

JUST FOR FUN

FIRE DOWN BELOW

Try explaining this one to your insurance company!

Investigators say a man’s rear-end may have caused a fire at a gas station in Missouri. Experts think the energy built up when the driver slid from his seat and sparked out from their fingers. David Hymers, assistant fire chief in the town of Hannibal, said a pickup truck driver had been sitting in his truck because of the cold. The spark probably came from him sliding across the seat and started the fuel pumps on fire when he touched them. Nobody was hurt but two cars were burned. Static should be removed by touching the car’s bodywork before picking up the pump. ***MARLAR: They believe the man maybe be a “liar, liar”, because his “pants were on fire”!

FUN LIST

WILL YOU MARRY ME, YOU NERD?

Nerdie ways of proposing (from Switched.com):

  • Knowing your girlfriend’s favorite hobbies is a great start for planning a proposal. For Bernie Peng, that meant using the game ‘Bejeweled’ to ask Tammy Li to marry him. Peng, a financial software programmer, spent a month tweaking the game so when Li reached a certain score, a ring and the proposal popped up on the screen.

  • An NFL fan started a Web site to raise enough money for a Super Bowl ad where he’d ask for his girlfriend’s hand in front of 130 million viewers. He actually got $75,000 without her finding out, but was too late to buy the TV time, so instead the commercial aired, with advertiser’s backing, during her favorite show, ‘Veronica Mars.’

  • Rather than make a commercial from scratch, one geek decided to take a well known ad and personalize it for his future wife. The fake iPhone commercial ran through the same parts as the real spot, complete with the “this is your music, this is your photos” lines, but ends with “and this is a proposal.”

  • A guy was searching for an original proposal idea when he decided to make it happen through his work. With some help from the people at AskJeeves.com, the man concocted a plan in which his girlfriend would look for her name on the search engine using his office computer. When she did it, the “Smart Answer” at the top of the page was a picture of the couple next to the message “Honey, Will You Marry Me?”

  • One guy told his girlfriend, Jenny, that he wanted to show her something he’d been working on. He gave her his password – a previous point of contention for the couple – and she opened his computer to find a happy picture of the duo. Per his instructions, she pushed F12 and a picture of a wedding ring popped up with the proposal.

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

As the summer heats up, here are some sunning tips!

1). Use sunscreen every day, rain or shine.

2). Don’t skimp. The average-size body requires at least a shot glass worth to achieve maximum coverage.

3). Don’t dig to the bottom of your beach bag for last year’s sunscreen. Sun protection expires after 12 months.

4). While at the beach or other sun-drenched locations, re-applying your sunscreen at least every two hours is crucial to staying protected. Immediately re-apply after swimming or sweating.

5). Double up on safety by using a 20percent concentration of topical Vitamin C under your sunscreen to boost the immune defense of your skin cells against UV damage. It will also reduce the appearance of brown spots.

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

Monday through Friday are the most important days for your diet. Eating well during the week appears to be far more important than the occasional weekend splurge, according to Finnish and American researchers who examined how the seven-days-a-week human cycle impacts weight. They found that almost everyone loses weight during the week and gains weight on weekends. Those who were most likely to lose or maintain weight weighed the most on Sunday evening and the least on Friday morning, while those who gained weight had no such clear pattern. Why? It’s simple. On weekdays, we tend to have a regimen, a kind of pattern and rhythm, for our meals and snacks, while on the weekends, our schedules are more open-ended, giving us more food and alcohol temptations.

Think of “seasonal affective disorder” (SAD), and your mind goes to winter, but did you know there’s also a summer version? Both are caused by seasonal changes in this case, light and heat that can disrupt the internal clock responsible for your sleep and hormones. If light’s your issue, stay inside as much as you can, or try to force your body into a strict pattern: half hour of light each morning around 6:30am and a consistent bedtime. For heat, crank the AC and take cool baths. Since SAD is annual, see your doctor next spring to ask how to proactively treat your blues, according to Norman Rosenthal, M.D., author of Winter Blues and the psychiatrist who first researched SAD. (Women’s Health)

Now there’s a new reason to enjoy a snooze: An afternoon nap can make you smarter. Researchers gave memory tests to 39 adults at noon and then again at 6pm. Half took a 90 minute nap between the tests. Those who remained awake performed about 10 percent worse than those who napped. Most people’s ability to learn declines about 10 percent between noon and 6pm, but the nappers were able to overcome that decline, discovered researchers at the University of California, Berkeley. “Sleep is not just for the body,” says Dr. Matthew Walker. “It’s very much for the brain.”

For dog and cat owners, there is nothing more important than keeping their furry friends safe and healthy. That will be easier than ever as Paby has introduced its wireless smart pet tracker that monitors a pet’s location and activity to provide owners with peace of mind when it comes to their furry loved ones’ safety and wellness. It’s like a combination of a Fitbit and LoJack for pets. Equipped with a combination of advanced 3G GPS, LBS (Location Based Services) and Wi-Fi technologies, Paby provides real-time, accurate tracking information, no matter where their pets are. Paby, which works as a stand-alone device and requires a cellular network connection to properly track the owner’s pet, allows users to set “virtual fences” using their smartphones to receive real-time alerts when their pets leave the designated “zone.” Tthe activity tracker allows users to also monitor their pet’s number of steps, calories burned, sleep patterns and the intensity of their play time. http://ow.ly/Y5J030dEoXl

Playing a high school sport could be the key to success as an adult. Youth who participate in school sports not only are more likely to go to college, but also earn more money as working adults, whether they played on the football team or faced opponents one-on-one on the tennis court, according to a Harris Poll of 2,232 U.S. adults. Participating in sports appears to have long-lasting benefits well into adulthood. 64 percent of those who participated in youth sports went on to some form of higher education, compared with 45 percent of those who were not on a team. In addition, youth athletes are more likely to have capped off their education with a four-year college degree (20 percent vs. 14 percent), compared with those who didn’t participate and are also twice as likely to have some form of post-graduate education (12 percent vs. 6 percent). Participation in athletics is also associated with higher incomes. Fifteen percent of adults who participated in athletics have a personal income greater than $100,000, compared with just 9 percent of those who did not participate.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

“Deliver more than you are getting paid to do. The victory of success will be half won when you learn the secret of putting out more than is expected in all that you do. Make yourself so valuable in your work that eventually you will become indispensable.” –Og Mandino

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 35 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

JULY 14, 2017…

Wish Upon—Joey King is a teenager with a sad heart. Her mother has died. How to handle this? She discovers a music box, but it is no ordinary music box. It can grant wishes. Of course, there is always a price to pay. “Wish Upon” is rated PG 13. No rating.

To The Bone—Keanu Reeves has played many screen roles, and this time, he is a therapist who helps anorectic patients. In particular, Lily Collins, who definitely has a problem and ends up in his program. “To The Bone” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

War For The Planet Of The Apes—Caesar, the intelligent ape (played by Andy Serkis) is the leader of the group and they certainly are ready for battle against humans and especially, Woody Harrelson, as the leader of the humans. This film is set two years after “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.” Who to trust? New characters are a little human girl, Nova (Amiah Miller) and a teenage ape who is all trouble (Steve Zahn.) “War For The Planet Of The Apes” is rated PG 13. Rating of 2 for fans.

Lady Macbeth (opening in select cities) —This adaptation of a Shakespeare play goes the route of a novella from 1865 by Nikolai Leskov called “Lady Macbeth of The Mtsensk District.” Now, director William Oldroyd, has taken the story and set it in 19th century Great Britain. The plot centers on Katherine, played by  Florence Pugh (“The Falling“), who is in a dull and boring marriage without love. This is a lady could meet Hannibal Lector and calmly serve him a cup of tea. The word “scruples” is not in her vocabulary. Katherine is married to Alexander (Paul Hilton), and his father is Boris (Christopher Fairbank  from “Guardians of the Galaxy” and television’s “Wolf Hall’). This is a stern life, and Katherine begins to look favorably on the farm hand, Cosmo Jarvis, Hmm. This farm is a bed of intrigue. The household has a maid, too, Anna (Naomi Cukie.) A horror-style film does not have to have monsters crawling out of the woodwork. “Lady Macbeth” is rated R. An adult film. Rating of 2.

JULY 21, 2017…

Dunkirk is a war film about WWII and the evacuation of Dunkirk. Stars Tom Hardy.

Landline centers on two sisters who decide to spy on their father to see if he is having an affair. Stars Edie Falco.

First Kill concerns a robbery, a kidnapping and a witness to a crime. Stars Hayden Christiansen.

Girls Trip stars Jada Pinkett Smith, Queen Latifah, Regina Hall and Tiffany Haddish as friends who try to bond again.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets is directed by Luc Besson and a sci-fi film about life on a space station 18 miles across.

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WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.