July 18 2015: Saturday ONAIRprep

***RADIO ISN’T DEAD – From RadioIsntDead.com

***DAILY DOSE OF WEIRD NEWS – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

***CREATION MOMENTS MINUTE – FREE TO AIR! (Contact me to sign up!)

PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150718

 

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!

I’m just beginning to realize that probably every day somewhere my voice is in a sleek, red, Italian sports car. My voice is poolside in the most beautiful backyards in town. My voice is heard in banks and soda shops and cafes. My voice is having more fun than I am.

 

 

BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY

“However many years a man may live, let him enjoy them all.”  –Ecclesiastes 11:8

 

I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes. — Romans 1:16

 

 

HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT

Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old. — Proverbs 23:22

 

Thought: “Honor your father and mother.” This is basic to God’s plan for our lives. When families are built within God’s covenant of grace, respect and obedience by children toward their parents is a blessing to the children! As adults, we preserve the dignity of our parents and teach our children important life-lessons when we honor and respect them appropriately. Let’s not get swept up in our era of parent-bashing. Let’s bless our parents in ways that honor God. (If your parents were ungodly or abusive, find older folks in your church family for your emotional and spiritual support, while in as many ways as is possible treat your physical parents with honesty, respect, and integrity.)

 

Prayer: Loving Father and eternal God, thank you for my parents — physical and/or spiritual. Bless them with what they most need to find their way home to you. Give me wisdom to know how best to show my love and respect to them. Most of all, Father, please help them to see that my love and character come from you. In Jesus’ name pray. Amen.

 

The Thoughts and Prayers for Today’s Verse are written by Phil Ware. You can email questions or comments to phil@heartlight.org.

 

 

BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY

The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!

John 7:18 NIV
He who speaks on his own does so to gain honor for himself, but he who works for the honor of the one who sent him is a man of truth; there is nothing false about him.

 

 

TODAY IS SATURDAY – JULY 18, 2015

(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 161 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.  

 

Today is MAKE A LIST OF THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE DAY. Keep it handy, so you can add to it. ***MARLAR: I’m in there somewhere, aren’t I?

 

Today is SIDEWALK FRYING DAY, a good time to fry something on the sidewalk.  ***MARLAR: Anyone actually done this – fried something on the sidewalk?

 

Today is NATIONAL CAVIAR DAY. ***MARLAR: I got so grossed out when I first heard that caviar is fish eggs. That’s just gross. I almost couldn’t finish my omelet.

 

Today is PERFECT FAMILY DAY. ***MARLAR: Not that anyone could celebrate it.

 

In Spain today it’s NATIONAL UPRISING DAY. ***MARLAR: Although you have to wonder if it’s such a good idea to give the government notice like this. “Hey, everybody – remember now, we’re uprising July 18th, don’t forget!”

 

Today is PRESIDENTIAL SUCCESSION ACT DAY.  On this day, July 18, in 1947, the Presidential Succession Act was signed, stating that in case of temporary incapacitation or death of the president, the vice president is next in succession, followed by the Speaker of the House, and President Pro Tem of the Senate.  MARLAR: Followed by the most available Clinton, the most available Bush, and then most recent winner of “America’s Got Talent”.

 

 

TODAY IS ALSO. . .

Celebration of The Horse Day

National Hot Dog Day

Nelson Mandela International Day

National Caviar Day

Toss Away the “Could Haves” and “Should Haves” Day

Woodie Wagon Day

 

 

COMING UP NEXT

SUNDAY, JULY 19

Anne Hutchinson Memorial Day

National Ice Cream Day

Flitch Day

Lake Superior Day

 

MONDAY, JULY 20

Global Hug your Kid Day

Moon Day

Space Exploration Day

National Lollipop Day

World Jump Day

International Cake Day

National Get Out Of The Doghouse Day

 

TUESDAY, JULY 21

Legal Drinking Age Day

No Pet Store Puppies Day

 

WEDNESDAY, JULY 22

Casual Pi Day (22/7)

Fragile X Awareness Day

National Penuche Fudge Day

Rat-catchers Day

Spoonerisms Day

 

THURSDAY, JULY 23

Gorgeous Grandma Day

Hot Enough For Ya Day

Lumberjack Day

 

FRIDAY, JULY 24

Cousins Day

National Drive-Thru Day

National Tequila Day

Tell An Old Joke Day

 

SATURDAY, JULY 25

Carousel Day (Merry-Go-Round Day)

National Dance Day

National Day of the Cowboy

Thread The Needle Day

Video Games Day

 

SUNDAY, JULY 26

Aunties Day

One Voice

Paddle for Perthes Disease Awareness Day

Parents’ Day

 

MONDAY, JULY 27

Barbie-in-a-Blender Day

National Korean War Veterans Armistice Day

Take Your Houseplant For a Walk Day

Walk on Stilts Day

 

 

ON THIS DAY

AD 64: The Great Fire of Rome began.

 

1927: Baseball’s Ty Cobb hit safely for the 4,000th time in his career.

 

1953: 18-year-old Elvis Presley recorded “My Happiness” at the Memphis Recording Service in Tennessee as a gift for his mother.

 

1974: Though doctors at Royal Victoria Hospital in Barrie, Ontario, had ordered that 54-year-old patient Max Matetich was to undergo “no stress whatsoever,” they decided to tell him anyway when he won the $1-million Olympic Canada lottery. He handled the stress just fine.

 

1976: In Montreal, 14-year-old Romanian gymnast Nadia Comaneci collected the first perfect “10” ever recorded at the Olympic Games. At the ‘76 Games, she would get six more perfect scores, three gold medals, and a silver and a bronze.

 

1989: The U.S. issued patent #4,849,742 to Blake Warrington of Dublin, California, for his toilet seat alarm system, a device that sounds an alarm whenever a toilet seat is not lowered after the toilet is flushed. *** I never understood why men were always at fault on this. Why can’t we ask the women to raise the seat every time they’re done? Same difference, right?

 

1989: Nicholas Rodgers of Perkinsfield, Ontario, patented the flashing athletic shoe, a shoe with battery-powered lights that flash whenever the shoe moves (U.S. patent #4,848,009).

 

1994: Cleveland Indian Albert Belle was suspended for ten days for corking his bat.

 

1997: The owner of the mayor of Guffey, Colorado, said the mayor was totally unaffected by her appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Bruce Buffington said Guffey elected his golden retriever Shanda after Whiffey the cat left town. Two other cats, Smidge and Paisley, also had been mayor. Guffey’s 35 residents prefer pets to politicians.

 

1998: South African President 80-year-old Nelson Mandela married Graca Machel in Johannesburg. Reportedly, he paid her family 60 cows for the honor.

 

1999: While looking for drugs in the trunk of a car in Lawrence, Kansas, police found Joe Staudt’s brain. A high school teacher in Coffeyville, Staudt had kept his brain in a large jar in his science classroom. It had disappeared a year earlier. *** Anyone stealing a brain is obviously in desperate need of one.

 

1999: David Cone of the New York Yankees pitched a perfect game against the Montreal Expos. The Yanks won 6-0.

 

2001: Near Toronto, a teenage girl crashed into six cars and injured one person as she attempted to park after almost successfully completing her driver’s test. The girl panicked while trying to park and hit the gas pedal instead of the brake. Her car first struck four other cars, then spun around and hit two more cars, injuring the leg of a woman standing between two of the cars.

 

2003: Basketball star Kobe Bryant was charged with sexually assaulting a 19-year-old woman at a Colorado spa; Bryant denied the charge. During the trial, the judge dropped the case when the prosecution said the defendant could no longer participate because her name and medical history had been released by mistake.

 

 

TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY

180: Seven men and five women who had been captured carrying “the sacred books, and the letters of Paul” are tried before Roman proconsul Saturninus. Since none would renounce their Christian faith, all 12 were beheaded.

 

1505: Martin Luther enters the Augustinian monastic order at Erfurt, Germany, at age 21.

 

1674: Isaac Watts, author of about 600 hymns, is born in Southampton, England.

 

1688: John Bunyan, Baptist pastor and author of Pilgrim’s Progress, preaches his last sermon, in London.

 

1750: Johann Sebastian Bach regains the eyesight which he had temporarily lost.

 

1870: The Vatican I Council votes 533 to 2 in favor of “papal infallibility” as defined that “the Roman Pontiff, when he speaks ex cathedra, that is, when in discharge of the office of pastor and teacher of all Christians, by virtue of his supreme apostolic authority he defines a doctrine regarding faith or morals to be held by the universal Church . . . is possessed of that infallibility with which the divine Redeemer willed that his church should be endowed.

 

1917: American Baptist radio evangelist Charles E. Fuller accepts Christ as his savior. Fuller was ordained in 1925 and in 1937 began the pioneer program The Old Fashioned Revival Hour. He also helped found Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, California.

 

 

HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS

  • actor (XXX, The Pacifier, The Chronicles of Riddick, The Fast & The Furious) Vin Diesel 47
  • actress (Afton Cooper on “Dallas”, A Chorus Line) Audrey Landers 55 (
    )
  • actor (Colonel William Keating in Rambo 4, Governor Robert Ritchie on “The West Wing”, 1979’s The Amityville Horror, Westworld) James Brolin 74 (
    )
  • astronaut John Glenn III 93

 

 

BEE-BOP BIRTHDAYS

(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)

1909 : Harriet Nelson

1910 : Joe “Fingers” Carr

1929 : Screamin’ Jay Hawkins

1931 : “Papa” Dee Allen (War)

1935 : Johnny Funches (The Dells)

1938 : Ian Stewart

1939 : Dion DiMucci

1939 : Brian Auger (Steampacket)

1941 : Martha Reeves

1941 : Lonnie Mack

1943 : Robin McDonald (Billy J. Kramer w/ the Dakotas)
1945 : Danny McCullock (The Animals)

1946 : Tim Lynch (The Flamin’ Groovies)

1948 : Phil Harris (Ace)

1949 : Wally Bryson (The Raspberries)

1950 : Cesar Zuiderwyk (Golden Earring)

1950 : Glenn Hughes (Village People)

1954 : Ricky Skaggs

1955 : Terry Chambers (XTC)

1957 : Keith Levene (The Clash)

1958 : Nigel Twist (The Alarm)

1962 : Jack Irons (Pearl Jam)

1975 : Daron Malakian (System Of A Down)

1978 : Tony Fagenson (Eve 6)

1982 : Ryan Cabrera

 

 

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE

How electric are electric eels?

Electrophorus electrcus, the electric eel, is nature’s own EE battery. You would only want to meet it in the abstract, in print, rather than in its native habitat, the Amazon River Basin in South America. That’s because it can deliver up to 600 volts of electricity when disturbed–one heck of a hissy fit. This fish is not really an eel, a technicality that would mean little to you if you made contact with it. The electric eel generates its charge by the difference in electrical potential between the solutions inside and outside the nerve cells in its tail, which makes up 4/5 of its length. That charge is applied to thousands of tiny cells at its nerve endings along the tail. The creature controls the strength of the charge by timing its nerve impulses. Touch it at the wrong time and it will turn your lights off.

 

 

CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS

Do you like the Christian Artist News you see below? It’s just a tiny sample of the 5-6 pages of material you could be receive every weekday… and it’s FREE! Become one of their subscribers at ChristianRadioShowPrepServices.com!

 

Audio Adrenaline is going Hip Hop, at least for one song. Members of the band this week shared that they were working on a song collaboration with Christian Hip Hop artist The Real Young Noah. They say: can’t wait for you guys to hear it!

 

Casting Crowns Juan DeVevo recent went to his first political rally ever. After the meeting he gave his official endorsement, sharing: I can say the candidate is worthy of your vote. However, it might be a little difficult for most of us to follow Juan’s example. He was at a rally for a City Council candidate in McDonough, Georgia.

 

Ellie Holcomb tweeted: My 2 year old wanted to take a picture of herself with my point and shoot today, and said this: “I want to take a MYselfie!”

 

Chris from Love and The Outcome was at the movies watching Jurassic World this week and his wife and fellow member of the group, Jodi, was taking advantage of the alone time. She tweeted that she had been in the store Forever 21 for two hours.

 

Matt Maher was preparing this week for his son’s birthday. No, he wasn’t baking a cake. He tweeted that he was watching Star Wars. It should be pretty simple to guess the theme of the upcoming party.

 

Mercyme recently sat down to talk about their latest album and their life on their road. The members of the band even gave some advice to up and coming artists. And front man Bart Millard shared that he is joining several other member of the band in working out. In fact, he says he just hired a personal trainer to help in his workout efforts. https://t.co/jAxOZZNiFS

 

A bit of baseball humor this week from Mercyme’s Bart Millard: What are the odds Pete Rose would be at the all star game? See what I did there? Betting Joke.

 

Skillet is back in Billboard’s Fan Army face off. After a fantastic response from their fans, called Panheads, last year, members of the band are asking their followers to step up again this year. Skillet has already make it through round one. They defeated Hillsong United in the balloting that wrapped up on July 15.  http://t.co/UEAoVZuvA5

 

The group 4Him is celebrating 25 years of music and 25 No. 1 hits. The band is Reuniting later this year for the 25 Years 4Him Tour, featuring many of the song that have inspired multiple generations and countless believers. 4Him member Mark Harris shared: “The four of us are so excited about getting back together this fall for the 25 Years 4Him Tour. It’s hard to believe that it has been that long since we first headed out on the road.”  http://t.co/ycDPAUzpf4

 

Mercyme’s Bart Millard and Chris Huffman from Casting Crowns were getting in the spirit during this years All Star Game. Bart tweeted: if I were a Major League Baseball player, my walk up music would be either Levert’s “Casa Nova” or Aladdin’s “A Whole New World.” Chris replied: my walk up song would be “Homerun” by Geoff Moore and The Distance or “Strike Back” by the band We As Human.

 

 

WEIRD & WACKY

 

Police: Man uninjured after being run over by freight train
SCHAGHTICOKE, N.Y. (AP) — State police say a man escaped injury after being run over by a freight train while sleeping in the middle of railroad tracks in an upstate New York town. Troopers say 38-year-old Aaron Collins of Stillwater was highly intoxicated when he went to sleep Wednesday…
60-pound dead fish found in suburban Kansas drainage ditch    photo
OLATHE, Kan. (AP) — A suburban Kansas City animal control officer says she was skeptical when a man called to report a 4-foot-long carp in a drainage ditch. But Jamie Schmidt, a school resource officer with the Olathe, Kansas, Police Department, soon found herself wrapping up the 60-pound…
Summer hail prompts use of snowplows in South Dakota city    photo
RAPID CITY, S.D. (AP) — A brief but intense hailstorm that dropped as much as 4 inches of slippery pellets in a South Dakota city prompted officials to call out snowplows in the middle of summer. HASH(0x13fe8b0) The National Weather Service says pea-size hail pelted the highway for about 15…
Video shows plane making emergency landing on Jersey highway
STAFFORD TOWNSHIP, N.J. (AP) — Police have released a video of a small plane carrying students from a skydiving school making an emergency landing on a New Jersey highway. No one aboard the single-engine plane or on the ground was injured when the plane touched down Sunday morning in Stafford…
Netanyahu gets yearbook from his Pennsylvania high school    photo
CHELTENHAM, Pa. (AP) — Some suburban Philadelphia high school alumni say they’ve sent a 1960s yearbook to one of their most famous classmates, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu (neh-ten-YAH’-hoo). HASH(0x13f5800) Netanyahu left school around the time of the Six-Day War in June 1967…
Scientists in Oregon develop bacon-flavored seaweed
PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) — What grows quickly, is packed with protein, has twice the nutritional value of kale and tastes like bacon? The answer, according to scientists at Oregon State University, is a new strain of seaweed they recently patented. Dulse is a form of edible seaweed that grows wild…
AP Top News At 11:20 a.m. EDT
Vegas weddings decline; officials consider more advertising
LAS VEGAS (AP) — At its peak, Las Vegas was home to one out of every 20 weddings in the United States. That number, however, has been dropping. HASH(0x140c620) The city’s multimillion-dollar industry for providing easy, quick marriages has noticed increased competition as the numbers…
‘I just like pigs’: Cops say nude man found drinking in barn
MILLERSVILLE, Pa. (AP) — Police have charged a man with trespassing, public drunkenness and indecent exposure after he was caught on a neighbor’s Pennsylvania farm in the nude, drinking beer among pigs. Police in Manor Township, Lancaster County, say 64-year-old Larry Henry told them, “I just…
Boston’s tower of filthy snow finally melts away    photo
BOSTON (AP) — The last of Boston’s winter nightmare has finally melted away. Mayor Martin Walsh announced Tuesday that Boston’s once-massive pile of filthy snow has officially dwindled to nothing. The pile accumulated into a 75-foot tower of snow after a record-breaking winter that dumped…

 

 

HEALTH & FITNESS

Could Martha’s Vineyard, Nantucket miss out on medical pot?    photo
BOSTON (AP) — Massachusetts has a cannabis conundrum. State law requires every county to have a dispensary for medical marijuana, but federal regulations forbid the drug from being transported across U.S. waters. That leaves the tourist havens of Martha’s Vineyard and Nantucket potless unless…

 

70 years after atomic bomb test, residents seek compensation    photo
LOS ALAMOS, N.M. (AP) — When a flash of light beamed from the arid New Mexico desert early on July 16, 1945, residents of the historic Hispanic village of Tularosa felt windows shake and heard dishes fall. Some in the largely Catholic town fell to their knees and prayed. The end of the world…
Probe: Bogus enrollees kept getting ‘Obamacare’    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Phony applicants that investigators signed up last year under President Barack Obama’s health care law got automatically re-enrolled for 2015. Some were rewarded with even bigger taxpayer subsidies for their insurance premiums, a congressional probe has found. The…
Liberia confirms 2nd Ebola death in resurgent outbreak    photo
MONROVIA, Liberia (AP) — A second person in Liberia has died from Ebola in the latest resurgence of the deadly disease in the West African nation, an official said Wednesday. The woman in her early 20s who died on July 12 was linked to the 17-year-old boy who died last month, Deputy Health…
Study show high-risk areas for Lyme disease growing    photo
NEW YORK (AP) — The geographic areas where Lyme disease is a bigger danger have grown dramatically, according to a new government study published Wednesday U.S. cases remain concentrated in the Northeast and upper Midwest. But now more areas in those regions are considered high risk. “The…
Congressional panels will probe Planned Parenthood video    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The searing political conflict over abortion flared anew Wednesday as three Republican-led congressional committees said they will investigate whether Planned Parenthood is selling organs from aborted fetuses. House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, criticized the group and said…
Study: Early clue to why some children may have reading woes    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — New research suggests it may be possible to predict which preschoolers will struggle to read — and it has to do with how the brain deciphers speech when it’s noisy. Scientists are looking for ways to tell, as young as possible, when children are at risk for later…
11 ex-Pirelli managers convicted in Italian asbestos trial
MILAN (AP) — A Milan court has convicted 11 former Pirelli managers, including two former CEOs, on charges of manslaughter and gave them prison sentences for the deaths of about 20 workers who developed tumors or lung disease after being exposed to asbestos. The news agency ANSA said…
Military announces plan to lift transgender ban    photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — Defense Secretary Ash Carter has ordered a six-month study aimed at formally ending one of the last gender- or sexuality-based barriers to military service, saying the Pentagon’s current regulations banning transgender individuals from serving in the military need to be…
VA says it may shut down hospitals to close $2.5B budget gap
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Department of Veterans Affairs may have to shut down some hospitals next month if Congress does not address a $2.5 billion shortfall for the current budget year, VA officials warned Monday. The VA told Congress that it needs to cover shortfalls caused by an increased…
Colorado rejects PTSD as ailment eligible for medical pot    photo
DENVER (AP) — Citing scant research, Colorado health officials voted Wednesday against adding post-traumatic stress disorder to the list of ailments eligible for treatment with medical marijuana. The 6-2 vote came despite a recommendation from Colorado’s chief medical officer and a panel of…

 

 

NEWS KICKERS

(None on the weekends)

 

NEW NEWS KICKERS…

 

 

NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…

 

 

WONDER WOMAN

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Low Walmart Prices”

 

 

DAILY COMEDY CLIP

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Joey I.L.O., “Dad Compliments”

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Racquet the Skunk was excited about being asked to draw a picture of the Rabbit Family using his brand new crayons. Unfortunately, before he could begin the portrait, he lost every single one of his crayons through a hole in his backpack!

 

CLOSE: Swimming? How can all of the animals think of swimming while their friend Racquet is in torment because he can’t find his crayons? Perhaps friendship in the jungle only goes crayon-deep? We’ll find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!

 

 

AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JULY 18/19, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Marvy Snuffleson decided to nail the hands of the clock in place on the Razzleflabbin’s calendar clock tower so that they’d always read “Saturday”. But yesterday was Saturday – and now it’s Saturday again… and there’s only bread and water to drink!

 

CLOSE: Marvy would still rather have bread and water every single day at every meal rather than work? How long will he let the calendar clock read Saturday? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!

 

***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.

 

 

MOMENT OF DUH

Imagine offering teenagers assault rifles as prizes!

An Oklahoma church had planned to give away a semiautomatic assault rifle at a weekend retreat for teens, but canceled it after one of the event organizers was unable to attend. The shooting competition has been canceled and the church says they’ll give the $800 gun away next year.  The church said the gun giveaway was to encourage teens to show up.  ***MARLAR: Do you really want to give semiautomatic rifles to teens – especially teens that are anxious to get a semiautomatic rifle?

 

 

TOP TEN

TOP TEN OF THE WORLD’S LONGEST LISTS

 

  1. Reporters who consider themselves experts on the Iraq war.

 

  1. Irritating Volvo drivers.

 

  1. Unsolicited advice given by Mothers-in-Law

 

  1. Women who like chocolate.

 

  1. Apologies Husbands Make for Something They Said

 

  1. Apologies Husbands Make for Something They Didn’t Say

 

  1. Things I will do when I retire or win the lottery

 

  1. Campaign promises never met

 

  1. People who think gas prices are too high.

 

  1. Stuff Bill Gates can buy

 

 

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER

Two criminals drive themselves to prison!

 

FILE #1: Two men escaped in a car after robbing a convenience store. Police were soon in pursuit, but had some difficulty catching up with the high speeding suspects. However, they were able to keep the suspects in sight. The chase lasted about 10 minutes and, then suddenly, it was all over. The suspects had turned down a one way street and crashed their car into a set of gates on a dead end road. Bizarre as it may seem, and very unfortunate for these wrong way dead end robbers, they had crashed into the gate of the STATE PRISON!  The two men were apprehended and later charged with armed robbery and numerous other charges related to the chase and crash. Each man is now serving a prison term in the very same state prison they crashed into.

 

FILE #2: A bungling armed raider threatened a bank teller with a pistol in Bordeaux, France, and demanded $13,700. When the teller said he didn’t have nearly that much, the bandit lowered his demand to $6,800. When the clerk again refused, the robber asked to withdraw a small amount of cash from his own account. The teller asked for his identity card. Police captured the suspect at his home.

 

FILE #3: In Modesto, CA, A man was arrested for trying to hold up a bank without a weapon. He used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

 

STRANGE LAW: In Louisiana it’s against the law to gargle in public.

 

 

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

It’s amazing what someone might decide to steal when their brain is on drugs.

In Flagstaff, Arizona, 37-year-old Christopher Billie is facing burglary charges after he allegedly climbed into a hearse during a funeral and began STEALING THE FLOWERS PILED INSIDE! Police were called to Our Lady of Guadalupe Church by a funeral director who watched as Billie opened the hearse door, climbed inside and began grabbing flower vases. Not surprisingly, he was reportedly intoxicated at the time.

 

 

PHONER PHUN

Today is SIDEWALK FRYING DAY, a good time to fry something on the sidewalk.  ***MARLAR: Anyone actually done this – fried something on the sidewalk?

 

 

BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!

QUESTION: Who had a vision of two women with stork wings?

ANSWER: Zechariah (Zech. 5:9)

 

 

QUESTION IMPOSSIBLE

QUESTION: What mammal can starve to death, despite a plentiful supply of food, if there are too many cool, cloudy days in a row?

ANSWER: The sloth, which has to sun itself daily to raise its body temperature so the bacteria in its stomach is warm enough to break down the leaves it eats. It often takes up to 100 hours to digest a stomach full of food.

 

 

TRUE OR FALSE

Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!

 

  1. The first six American Idol winners were crowned at The Kodak Theatre. (True)

 

  1. Eddie Murphy legally adopted Hercules as his middle name. (False, Elton John did)

 

  1. According to Direct mail experts, Maria is the most misspelled name in America. (False, Marilyn)

 

  1. The state drink of Maine is Moxie. (True)

 

  1. If you bring a raccoon’s head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.20 from the town. (False – ten cents)

 

  1. New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner and the late M*A*S*H star McLean Stevenson were both once assistant football coaches at Kansas State University. (False – Northwestern University)

 

  1. The letter W is the only letter in the alphabet that has more than one syllable. (True)

 

  1. All swans in England are property of the Queen. (True, as are all of the sturgeons. Messing with them is a serious offense.)

 

  1. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th. (True – John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 year later.)

 

  1. October 4, 1957 is a historic date to be remembered in both America and Russia. (True, it is the day both “Leave it to Beaver” and the Russian satellite Sputnik 1 were launched.)

 

 

TABLOID MATCH GAME

You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!

“Fight Breaks Out Between Moms at _________!”  (Chuck E. Cheese)


In Natick, Massachusetts, a fight broke out at a child’s birthday party at a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant between two mothers! Police said the mom of the 9-year-old birthday boy lost it because the other woman’s son was “hogging” an arcade game. Both moms were arrested.

 

 

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY

 

JOKE #1

A Kentucky phone company was going to hire a team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two rednecks and a team of two Irish guys.

So the boss met with both teams and said: “Here’s what we’ll do. Each team will install poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job.”

Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed.

They said that it was tough going, but they’d put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Geoff and Darnell, the rednecks came back and they were totally exhausted.

The boss asked, “Well, how many poles did you guys install?”

Geoff, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, “Darnell and me, we got three in.”

The boss gasped, “Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!”

“Yeah,” said Geoff, “yeah, but you should see how much they left stickin’ out of the ground though!”

 

JOKE #2

Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a modern marriage – equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed.  Jill wasn’t impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, “Poached? I wanted scrambled!”
Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg.  Jill wasn’t having any of it. “Do you think I don’t like variety? I wanted poached this morning!”
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, “third time’s a charm” and brought her two eggs — one scrambled and one poached.  “Here, my love, enjoy!”
Jill looks at the plate and says, “You scrambled the wrong egg.”

 

JOKE #3

A man traveling in southern Indiana was headed for the Kentucky border…when he saw a large sign:  “LAST CHANCE FOR $3.55 GAS!”  He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he’d better take advantage of this 0pportunity to fill-up his tank at $3.55.

As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, “How much is gas in Kentucky?”  The attendant replied, “$3.10.”

 

 

USELESS FACTS

More than age, marital status, blood pressure and smoking, anxiety is the top cause of heart attacks, according to a study from the Lown Cardiovascular Research Foundation of Massachusetts.  ***MARLAR: Unfortunately, the top cause of anxiety is marriage.

 

A new study says results from many studies take almost two years to be released.  ***MARLAR: Which means this study on studies is at least two years old.

 

 

FEATURED FUNNIES

Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke?

 

Joke.

Joke.

Joooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkke.

 

 

IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!

THAT STINKS, MRS. CLEAVER

Jerry Mathers as “the Beaver”, and Shaun Mathers as “the Skunk”. Beaver Cleaver’s little brother also has an animal attached to his career – a skunk!

Cops have found the answer to crime right under their noses. The Los Angeles Police Department has a special unit that drives drug dealers and other lowlifes out of abandoned buildings by smearing the rooms with blobs of horrid-smelling goop. The name of the new urban heroes — The Skunk Squad. Their weapon, called Skunk Shot, sends criminals running for fresh air while gagging and holding their noses. And the odor keeps them away for days. “Skunk Shot has been able to do what fences, gates, barbed wire and multiple arrests have been unable to do,” says Lt Shaun Mathers, the younger brother of “Leave It To Beaver” star Jerry Mathers. Mathers and Gage surfed the web and discovered Skunk Shot, a synthetic repellant gel invented in New Zealand. Each $12 tube holds enough to smear about five locations.

 

 

INSPIRATIONAL INSPIRATION

LESS GOING, MORE KNOWING

Wherever you go this summer, remember to pack your compassion.

By Alan Cohen

As many of us prepare for summer travels, we may get caught up in the details of planning, to the point of losing our peace. How ironic that setting up something fun should distract us from fun! Yet even as you head toward your destination you can find joy right where you stand.

Dee and I were in a business supply store we regularly visit, where a kind and knowledgeable salesman often helps us. This man has a certain back difficulty that causes him to hunch somewhat. After we spoke with him about some products, Dee noted to me, “Gosh, that fellow seems more bent over than the last time we saw him.” Her comment shifted me out of my purchasing mode and into my heart. Yes, the man stood less straight than we remembered him. I realized that even as he served in his salesman role, he had a life. He had feelings, a family, and probably health concerns. There was so much more to him than the surface role we knew him in. I remembered a quote: “Be gentle with everyone, for everyone is fighting their own inner battle.”

Passion is important, but so is compassion. The purpose of life is not just to get stuff done, but to connect with each other. He who dies with the most toys does not win. He who lives with the most joys, does.

I remember people in my life who rose above the illusion of busyness to connect with me. Like the time I arrived at the Miami airport after flying overnight. I was quite tired, did not feel so great, and headed for a snack bar for a bite. When the Hispanic waitress asked me for my order, I asked for some orange juice. The waitress looked at me kindly and asked, “Is that all you are going to have? Why don’t you eat something, honey?” I swear she was channeling my mother! In the midst of a hectic and chaotic environment, I felt loved and cared for. “Alright, I’ll have a bagel and cream cheese,” I told her. “That’s better,” she replied with a smile and went to get me some sustenance. Funny, many years later I remember her very clearly. God sends people to help you when you need them.

Sometimes you are the person giving the help and sometimes you are the one receiving it; both roles are important. The operative word here is “person.” It’s about people, not things. Knowing, more than doing. Being, more than getting.

Do set out on your vacation and do have a great time. Just be sure to have a great time before you leave and along the way. Often the lessons we discover outshine the events we seek. Martin Buber noted, “All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.” You think you are going for one reason, but life has a bigger reason. When you recognize the deeper reason, the trip takes on far greater meaning and value.

When we go to the office supply store now, I take a few more moments with our favorite salesman. I ask him how he is, I look him in the eye, and I let him know I appreciate him and his services. I see his bent back, but even more important I see his spirit, which cannot be bent. Neither can yours, or mine, or anyone’s, as we recognize that the real journey is the one home.

 

 

DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL

A TIME FOR COMPASSION

READ: Luke 23:26-34

Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.” —Luke 23:34

In 2002, I was in Jakarta, Indonesia, to teach a 2-night Bible conference. The first night, I went early to the host church, and the pastor asked if he could show me around the building. It was impressive in its beauty.

Then the pastor took me to the lower assembly hall. At the front of the hall was a pulpit and a communion table. Behind it was a plain concrete wall on which hung a wooden cross. Below it were some words in the national language of Indonesia. I asked him what the inscription said, and he surprised me by quoting Christ’s words from the cross:

“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.”

I asked if it was there for a particular reason, and he said that several years earlier there had been serious rioting in the city, and 21 churches were burned to the ground in one day. That wall was all that remained of their former facility—the first of the churches to be torched.

The wall and the verse formed a reminder of the compassion of Christ which He showed on the cross, and that became the church’s message to their city. Revenge and bitterness will never be healing responses to the hatred and rage of a lost world. But the compassion of Christ is, just as it was 2,000 years ago. — Bill Crowder

 

Give me a heart sympathetic and tender;
Jesus, like Thine, Jesus, like Thine,
Touched by the needs that are surging around me,
And filled with compassion divine. —Anon.

 

Compassion is needed to heal the hurts and hearts of others.

 

 

LEFTOVERS

A KING KONG LOVE STORY

Apes don’t usually carry off human females, but when it happens, it’s terrifying. One of the most shocking incidents happened in 1914 when the President of France’s wife was carried off by an escaped orangutan while she was sunning herself in a Paris garden. The crazed ape hauled the beautiful woman to the top of a tall tree and held her captive there for three hours. The French First Lady was rescued, but the incident was kept a closely guarded national secret for more than 40 years.

 

 

LIFE… LIVE IT

There could be some good news for those who have gone from bad hair days to no hair days.

Scientists say they’ve had success by cloning human hair. The way it works is that they take some healthy hair follicles from the back of the head and clone them. They then inject the cloned hair into the bald areas. The British team conducting the experiments says it can take up to 1,000 injections, and while that sounds like a lot, it’s still easier than current transplant methods. They say the technique increases hair count in at least two thirds of the patients after six months, and four out of five if the scalp is stimulated beforehand through gentle abrasions that encourage hair growth. If all continues to go well, the procedure could become available within five years, but there’s no word on what it will cost. ***MARLAR: I’m sure the price will turn your hair white.

 

 

JUST FOR FUN

Free coffins! Get your free coffins here!

The government of Ukraine is so broke it hasn’t been able to send the elderly their pension checks for nearly a year, so officials are offering to send them free coffins instead of the money. Many of the angry retirees say they’re not dead yet… what they really need is a loaf of bread!  ***MARLAR: Experts say the situation is beginning to get grave.

 

 

FUN LIST

IMPOSSIBLE INVENTIONS THAT NOW EXIST

Here are some examples of inventions and ideas that some people said “couldn’t be done” or “shouldn’t be done.”

  • The first successful cast-iron plow, invented in the United States in1797, was rejected by New Jersey farmers under the theory that cast iron poisoned the land and stimulated the growth of weeds.
  • An eloquent authority in the United States declared that the introduction of the railroad would require the building of many insane asylums, since people would be driven mad with terror at the sight of locomotives rushing across the country.
  • In Germany it was proved by “experts” that if trains went at the frightful speed of 15 miles an hour, blood would spurt from the travelers’ noses and passengers would suffocate when going through tunnels.
  • Commodore Vanderbilt dismissed Westinghouse and his new air brakes for trains, stating, “I have no time to waste on fools.”
  • Those who loaned Robert Fulton money for his steamboat project stipulated that their names be withheld for fear of ridicule were it known they supported anything so “foolhardy.”
  • In 1881, when the New York YWCA announced typing lessons for women, vigorous protests were made on the grounds that the female constitution would break down under the strain.
  • Men insisted that iron ships would not float, that they would damage more easily than wooden ships when grounding, that it would be difficult to preserve the iron bottom from rust, and that iron would deflect the compass.
  • Joshua Coppersmith was arrested in Boston for trying to sell stock in the telephone. “All well-informed people know that it is impossible to transmit the human voice over a wire.”
  • The editor of the Springfield Republican refused an invitation to ride in an early automobile, claiming that it was incompatible with the dignity of his position.

 

 

MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…

A POEM FOR PARENTS 
(Author Unknown)

Now I lay me down to sleep, 
I pray my sanity to keep. 
For if some peace I do not find, 
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet 
Far from the daily family riot 
May I lie back–not have to think 
about what they’re stuffing down the sink, 
or who they’re with, or where they’re at 
and what they’re doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself 
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed 
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake 
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean– 
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep, 
I pray my wits about me keep, 
But as I look around I know– 
I must have lost them long ago!

 

 

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

(Mondays Only)

 

 

OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP

(None On The Weekends)

Sixteen-year-old Autumn Veatch is alive today thanks to a “miracle.” Autumn was riding in a small plane along with her step-grandparents from Montana to Washington. For reasons unknown thus far, the plane crashed in the wilderness. Autumn survived the crash but then had to hike for two days through dense woods to find help. Following a stream, the teen made it to HWY 20 and was picked up by a motorist. She was released from the hospital earlier this week. Her father, David, described her survival as a miracle from God, in answer to hundreds of prayers. http://goo.gl/GxkMu1

 

Family Life Today will be hosting a I Still Do marriage-changing simulcast for couples on October 17. By exploring God’s design for marriage, couples will have a chance to reaffirm that their marriage matters – to their children and to the rest of society. Members of the organization say there are three ways you can help couples in your community. They include hosting a simulcast, taking a group to the live event, or purchasing tickets for the simulcast. http://istilldo.com/

 

The Word of God is under attack in Columbia Heights, Montana— literally. A billboard park dedicated to displays centered on the Ten Commandments has been the victim of a recent spree of vandalism. Seventeen of the 21 billboards at the God’s Ten Commandments Park were seriously damaged by an unknown party earlier this week. http://bit.ly/1Df4WCr

 

 

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

Today’s (JOCK SHOW) was made possible by a flaw in the system.

 

 

THE WAY WE WORK

(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)

The Working Mom Question

Do “working moms” make for better moms? I may be meddlin’ here.

An article posted on the website Quartz claims mothers who work outside the home have “more successful daughters and more caring sons.” The story is based on some new Harvard “research” that should certainly help reduce the guilt that many “working moms” might have. http://qz.com/434056/working-moms-have-more-successful-daughters-and-more-caring-sons-harvard-business-school-study-says/

If you do a little more Internet research you find quite a mixed bag on this topic. There are many stories of women who leave professional careers to be at home. Others explaining how they are able to maintain the balance of work and family.

One of the more statistically deceiving set of numbers comes from a 2014 Pew Research study. It was titled, “7 Key Findings About Stay-at-Home Moms.” Point #5 claims the share of these stay-at-homes in poverty has doubled since 1970! But pay close attention to the fact that the overwhelming increase comes from married mothers with non-working husbands, cohabiting mothers, and single mothers. Actual poverty level of married mothers with working husbands increased by 15%.

The Harvard study leaves me questioning their value system for mothering. They seem to value more money and managerial jobs for the grown up young women, and more chores and home responsibilities for boys.

The final paragraph from this article really got me. It includes a quote from Professor Kathleen McGinn at the Harvard Business School and the lead author of the study. Here goes:

“Her message for working mothers is that being employed has long-lasting, positive effects on children. ‘When you go to work, you are helping your children understand that there are lots of opportunities for them,’ says McGinn.”

Hmmm. Wait. I have questions.

Let’s say a couple with children at home approached me as a faith leader at church and asked for my counsel on whether it’s best to have a stay-at-home mom. She has a nice offer from a company.

I would first ask why the mom is considering this decision. Various answers could result. Financial reasons are, indeed, usually first. Wanting to use education or professional skills would be up there. Needing greater “challenge” or purpose might come up. Each reason has its own justifications.

Next, I would ask the couple where “being the primary influencers” in the development of their children ranks. The influencer role applies to more than one category. Foremost, the moral and spiritual foundations. Next, the social skills and the vital learning of navigating difficult situations. Then, having a keen awareness of the uniqueness of the children and how to help them pursue the person God created them to be. And, of course, engaging them in meaningful conversations daily about their world.

The answers to those questions would be of significant value in offering counsel. Parents who put financial interests and personal advancement as priorities will likely go for the working mom. But common sense should tell us less time and attention with children means less influence.

I’ve yet to meet a grown up child who says, “I wish my mom worked more outside of the home.” Kids learn to take pride in their parents regardless of status. The praise I’ve witnessed most from grown up children are about the sacrifices their moms made for them. Rarely are those sacrifices derived from spending less time with them. Or earning more money.

There are situations where moms must have a paying job. However in this age, we need more moms being present and available to guide and grow their children. A stable home environment is the greatest predictor of future family well being. PLENTY of research on that.

Proverbs 6:20-23 helps here: “Good friend, follow your father’s good advice; don’t wander off from your mother’s teachings. Wrap yourself in them from head to foot; wear them like a scarf around your neck. Wherever you walk, they’ll guide you; whenever you rest, they’ll guard you; when you wake up, they’ll tell you what’s next. For sound advice is a beacon,  good teaching is a light, moral discipline is a life path.” (The Message)

That instruction comes from the home. Mothers nurture children best. Why yield that privilege of child development up to someone else? Just asking.

Now…are the cookies and milk ready? Just kidding!

That’s The Way WE Work.

 

 

THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER

Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).

 

JULY 17, 2015…

 

Ant Man—Marvel Comic Books does it again.  Here comes “Ant Man’ and played by Paul Rudd. Instead of gigantic creatures, such as Godzilla, we have someone the size of an ant. Be careful where you step. The ant may be a science experiment in your neighborhood. This particular story has Rudd volunteering for a special suit by scientist Pym (Michael Douglas) and you can figure out the rest. There is a villain, Yellow Jacket (Corey Stoll) and at the size of an ant, just about everything can be a villain.  Also in the cast is Evangeline Lilly. “Ant Man” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

TrainWreck—Amy Schumer is a writer who doesn’t believe in romance. It just doesn’t work out. However, when her next assignment is sports doc Bill Hader, she begins to change her mind. Also in the cast are Tilda Swinton and Brie Larson.  ”TrainWreck” is rated R. No rating.

 

Mr. Holmes—Ian McKellen takes on the role of Sherlock Holmes, aging and with failing memory, as he does one last case. Also in the cast are Laura Linney and Milo Parker. “Mr. Holmes” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.

 

Irrational Man—Joaquin Phoenix is a college teacher in the middle of a mid-life crisis.  He finds it helps him to work with others, even strangers. This is a Woody Allen film and also in the cast is Jamie Blakeley.  “Irrational Man” is rated PG 13. No rating.

 

JULY 24, 2015…

 

Paper Towns is a romantic comedy starring Cara Delevingne and Nat Wolff.

 

Pixels is an partly-animated movie about an alien invasion with the voices of Adam Sandler and Kevin James.

 

Pan is a fantasy and adventure film starring Hugh Jackman and a different type of “Peter Pan” story.

 

Southpaw stars Jake Gyllenhaal in a story about sports.

 

# # # # #

 

The Best Films and Worst Film—First Six Months of 2015 (January 15 – July 1), compiled by Marie Asner

 

BEST FILMS: Alphabetical Order

 

Dior And Me (documentary—R for language) Backstage at world famous Paris fashion house with new head designer and six weeks to go before the first show.

 

Inside Out (animated—PG) Story of five emotions in a young girl’s mind and how they help her cope with life

 

Jupiter Ascending (science fiction/fantasy—PG 13) Creative look a space royalty hierarchy and how it affects Earth

 

Mad Max: Fury Road (fantasy—R) Remake of the “Mad Max” series in post Apocalyptic world of Australia

 

Max (PG) Story of military dog who grieves loss of his handler in Afghanistan  (bring hankie)

 

Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (PG 13) Continuation of first film story and this time involves planning a wedding

 

Seymour: An Introduction (documentary—not rated) Actor Ethan Hawke’s homage to a favorite music teacher.

 

Terminator Genisys (R) Clever restart of the “Terminator” franchise and Arnold Schwarzenegger steals the film.

    

Woman in Gold (based on true story—PG 13) Helen Mirren searches for stolen family painting from WWII and how to retrieve it.

 

WORST FILM:

 

San Andreas (PG 13)—cheesy special effects and enough rescues by Dwayne Johnson for five films.

 

#####

 

 

WARNING:  Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)

Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.