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AND NOW… ON WITH THE SHOW!
PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20160718
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
I’m just beginning to realize that probably every day somewhere my voice is in a sleek, red, Italian sports car. My voice is poolside in the most beautiful backyards in town. My voice is heard in banks and soda shops and cafes. My voice is having more fun than I am.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“However many years a man may live, let him enjoy them all.” –Ecclesiastes 11:8
I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes. — Romans 1:16
Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old. — Proverbs 23:22
HEARTLIGHT DAILY VERSE, PRAYER & THOUGHT
In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. — Romans 6:11
Thought: Just as Jesus died to sin, we also died to sin. But, simply putting aside sin isn’t going to keep sin away from us. We must embrace Jesus’ new life for us every day, with our hearts open to the Lord’s exciting will for us. Let’s let what is dead remain buried and in the past. Let’s live passionately for God with our eyes focused on Jesus and his future for us.
Prayer: Sovereign Lord and Loving Father, I want the past life of sin to remain buried and dead. Please empower me to vibrant life that is full of your Spirit and always open to your leading. Please make your presence and your will plain to me. In Jesus’ name I ask it. Amen.
“BIRTHDAY VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
John 7:18 NIV
He who speaks on his own does so to gain honor for himself, but he who works for the honor of the one who sent him is a man of truth; there is nothing false about him.
TODAY IS MONDAY – JULY 18, 2016
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 159 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is MAKE A LIST OF THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE DAY. Keep it handy, so you can add to it. ***MARLAR: I’m in there somewhere, aren’t I? Well… aren’t I? Hmmm?
Today is SIDEWALK FRYING DAY, a good time to fry something on the sidewalk. ***MARLAR: Anyone actually done this – fried something on the sidewalk?
Today is NATIONAL CAVIAR DAY. ***MARLAR: I got so grossed out when I first heard that caviar is fish eggs. That’s just gross. I almost couldn’t finish my omelet.
Today is PERFECT FAMILY DAY. ***MARLAR: Not that anyone could celebrate it.
In Spain today it’s NATIONAL UPRISING DAY. ***MARLAR: Although you have to wonder if it’s such a good idea to give the government notice like this. “Hey, everybody – remember now, we’re uprising July 18th, don’t forget!”
Today is PRESIDENTIAL SUCCESSION ACT DAY. On this day, July 18, in 1947, the Presidential Succession Act was signed, stating that in case of temporary incapacitation or death of the president, the vice president is next in succession, followed by the Speaker of the House, and President Pro Tem of the Senate. MARLAR: Followed by the most available Clinton, the most available Bush, and then most recent winner of “America’s Got Talent”.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Global Hug Your Kid Day
National Get Out Of The Doghouse Day
COMING UP NEXT
TUESDAY, JULY 19
Anne Hutchinson Memorial Day
WEDNESDAY, JULY 20
Space Exploration Day
National Lollipop Day
Take Your Poet To Work Week
World Jump Day
THURSDAY, JULY 21
Get to Know Your Customers Day
Legal Drinking Age Day
No Pet Store Puppies Day
FRIDAY, JULY 22
Casual Pi Day
Fragile X Awareness Day
Rat Catchers Day
SATURDAY, JULY 23
Gorgeous Grandma Day
Hot Enough For Ya Day
SUNDAY, JULY 24
National Drive-Thru Day
National Tequila Day
Tell An Old Joke Day
MONDAY, JULY 25
Carousel Day or Merry-Go-Round Day
ON THIS DAY
AD 64: The Great Fire of Rome began.
1927: Baseball’s Ty Cobb hit safely for the 4,000th time in his career.
1953: 18-year-old Elvis Presley recorded “My Happiness” at the Memphis Recording Service in Tennessee as a gift for his mother.
1974: Though doctors at Royal Victoria Hospital in Barrie, Ontario, had ordered that 54-year-old patient Max Matetich was to undergo “no stress whatsoever,” they decided to tell him anyway when he won the $1-million Olympic Canada lottery. He handled the stress just fine.
1976: In Montreal, 14-year-old Romanian gymnast Nadia Comaneci collected the first perfect “10” ever recorded at the Olympic Games. At the ‘76 Games, she would get six more perfect scores, three gold medals, and a silver and a bronze.
1989: The U.S. issued patent #4,849,742 to Blake Warrington of Dublin, California, for his toilet seat alarm system, a device that sounds an alarm whenever a toilet seat is not lowered after the toilet is flushed. *** I never understood why men were always at fault on this. Why can’t we ask the women to raise the seat every time they’re done? Same difference, right?
1989: Nicholas Rodgers of Perkinsfield, Ontario, patented the flashing athletic shoe, a shoe with battery-powered lights that flash whenever the shoe moves (U.S. patent #4,848,009).
1994: Cleveland Indian Albert Belle was suspended for ten days for corking his bat.
1997: The owner of the mayor of Guffey, Colorado, said the mayor was totally unaffected by her appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Bruce Buffington said Guffey elected his golden retriever Shanda after Whiffey the cat left town. Two other cats, Smidge and Paisley, also had been mayor. Guffey’s 35 residents prefer pets to politicians.
1998: South African President 80-year-old Nelson Mandela married Graca Machel in Johannesburg. Reportedly, he paid her family 60 cows for the honor.
1999: While looking for drugs in the trunk of a car in Lawrence, Kansas, police found Joe Staudt’s brain. A high school teacher in Coffeyville, Staudt had kept his brain in a large jar in his science classroom. It had disappeared a year earlier. *** Anyone stealing a brain is obviously in desperate need of one.
1999: David Cone of the New York Yankees pitched a perfect game against the Montreal Expos. The Yanks won 6-0.
2001: Near Toronto, a teenage girl crashed into six cars and injured one person as she attempted to park after almost successfully completing her driver’s test. The girl panicked while trying to park and hit the gas pedal instead of the brake. Her car first struck four other cars, then spun around and hit two more cars, injuring the leg of a woman standing between two of the cars.
2003: Basketball star Kobe Bryant was charged with sexually assaulting a 19-year-old woman at a Colorado spa; Bryant denied the charge. During the trial, the judge dropped the case when the prosecution said the defendant could no longer participate because her name and medical history had been released by mistake.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
180: Seven men and five women who had been captured carrying “the sacred books, and the letters of Paul” are tried before Roman proconsul Saturninus. Since none would renounce their Christian faith, all 12 were beheaded.
1505: Martin Luther enters the Augustinian monastic order at Erfurt, Germany, at age 21.
1674: Isaac Watts, author of about 600 hymns, is born in Southampton, England.
1688: John Bunyan, Baptist pastor and author of Pilgrim’s Progress, preaches his last sermon, in London.
1750: Johann Sebastian Bach regains the eyesight which he had temporarily lost.
1870: The Vatican I Council votes 533 to 2 in favor of “papal infallibility” as defined that “the Roman Pontiff, when he speaks ex cathedra, that is, when in discharge of the office of pastor and teacher of all Christians, by virtue of his supreme apostolic authority he defines a doctrine regarding faith or morals to be held by the universal Church . . . is possessed of that infallibility with which the divine Redeemer willed that his church should be endowed.
1917: American Baptist radio evangelist Charles E. Fuller accepts Christ as his savior. Fuller was ordained in 1925 and in 1937 began the pioneer program The Old Fashioned Revival Hour. He also helped found Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, California.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actor (XXX, The Pacifier, The Chronicles of Riddick, The Fast & The Furious) Vin Diesel 48
- actress (Afton Cooper on “Dallas”, A Chorus Line) Audrey Landers 56 (
- actor (Colonel William Keating in Rambo 4, Governor Robert Ritchie on “The West Wing”, 1979’s The Amityville Horror, Westworld) James Brolin 75 (
- astronaut John Glenn III 94
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1909 : Harriet Nelson
1910 : Joe “Fingers” Carr
1929 : Screamin’ Jay Hawkins
1931 : “Papa” Dee Allen (War)
1935 : Johnny Funches (The Dells)
1938 : Ian Stewart
1939 : Dion DiMucci
1939 : Brian Auger (Steampacket)
1941 : Martha Reeves
1941 : Lonnie Mack
1946 : Tim Lynch (The Flamin’ Groovies)
1948 : Phil Harris (Ace)
1949 : Wally Bryson (The Raspberries)
1950 : Cesar Zuiderwyk (Golden Earring)
1950 : Glenn Hughes (Village People)
1954 : Ricky Skaggs
1955 : Terry Chambers (XTC)
1957 : Keith Levene (The Clash)
1958 : Nigel Twist (The Alarm)
1962 : Jack Irons (Pearl Jam)
1975 : Daron Malakian (System Of A Down)
1978 : Tony Fagenson (Eve 6)
1982 : Ryan Cabrera
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
How electric are electric eels?
Electrophorus electrcus, the electric eel, is nature’s own EE battery. You would only want to meet it in the abstract, in print, rather than in its native habitat, the Amazon River Basin in South America. That’s because it can deliver up to 600 volts of electricity when disturbed–one heck of a hissy fit. This fish is not really an eel, a technicality that would mean little to you if you made contact with it. The electric eel generates its charge by the difference in electrical potential between the solutions inside and outside the nerve cells in its tail, which makes up 4/5 of its length. That charge is applied to thousands of tiny cells at its nerve endings along the tail. The creature controls the strength of the charge by timing its nerve impulses. Touch it at the wrong time and it will turn your lights off.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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Matt Redman says he has loved leading worship and telling stories inspired by his worship song 10,000 Reasons. Now those stories will be available in book form. Matt says the book 10,000 Reasons will be available in early August. http://twitter.com/matt_redman/status/753134865206415360/photo/1
It was five years ago when Steven Curtis Chapman debuted his “Songs & Stories” Tour. According to Merge PR, the event became one of his most successful tours ever with sold-out crowds across the country. This week Stephen announced that, this fall, he will take the show back on out the road for its third run and will be joined by Mac Powell from THIRD DAY and Brandon Heath. The 20-city “Songs & Stories” 2016 tour will kick off on September 15 in Philadelphia and wrap October 16 in Jacksonville, FL. Each evening of the tour, Chapman, Powell and Heath will perform some of their favorite songs, along with fan favorites, in a unique songwriting atmosphere. They will also share many of the powerful stories that have come as a result of these songs. http://tinyurl.com/zrfvoez
The members of 7eventh Time Down were playing at a fair in Indiana this week and took some time off to check out a local petting zoo and all of the other animals at the fair. However, they pointed out that not all the animals at the petting zoo were suitable for petting. The animals on display included a tiger and a timber wolf.
Good news from Big Daddy Weave member Jason Weaver. His wife posted late this week: The surgeon said his ankles are looking better! They removed the staples from his left ankle and half from the right ankle. His right ankle still has a way to go but nothing but positive comments. Jason had to have both feet amputated in June to stop a serious infection. He’s now back home and into the recovery process. He was even able to join the family for his first excursion last week, a Jordan Feliz concert in their area.
Jamie Grace is reporting an amazing four days with a lovely group of girls. Jamie and her sister Morgan just completed their very first Good Camp on Thursday. The sold out camp was described as a four day Creative Artist’s Mentorship Program for Christian girls and young women who desire to be leaders in their communities as singers, songwriters, writers, bloggers and speakers. Thursday evening after the camp wrapped up Jamie shared with the 37 girls who attended: you have inspired and encouraged Morgan, Mama Harper & myself. Thank you for listening to all we were so privileged to share with you. Jamie added: I’m overwhelmed with joy to say we’ll be doing it again in 2017. https://www.instagram.com/p/BH23wLWhJHr/
Mandisa was celebrating this week. Several years ago Mandisa wrote and recorded a song called Dear John. It was written for her brother John, encouraging him to accept Christ as his savior. This week Mandisa posted a video announcing that, on Wednesday, July 13, at 9:30pm, she prayed the prayer of salvation with John. http://twitter.com/mandisaofficial/status/753635323725217793/video/1
Chris August is experiencing a feeling of accomplishment. He posted a picture of a used up tube of lip balm and said: I actually made it to the end of a tube without losing it. http://twitter.com/ChrisAugust/status/753616018896019456/photo/1
Hawk Nelson frontman Jon Steingard recently shared some thoughts on marriage. He posted: Spent the day in Coronado with my love. Biking, walking, and talking. It’s often difficult for us to get days off together with our schedules, so we’ve found we have to make the time. One thing I’ve learned in our 9 years married is to never let your spouse get the leftovers of your time and energy. Nobody will prioritize your marriage for you… You have to do it yourself.
The members of Mercyme are finding that bearing your heart on facebook can be a dangerous thing. They shared a follow up post this week after writing late last week: “Our hearts are broken for Dallas. Jesus come quickly.” The members of the band followed it up by saying: “I’m sincerely sorry for upsetting some people with my post about my heart aching for what took place in Dallas. Of course my heart hurts for the families in Louisiana and Minnesota, and we absolutely should be praying for them. My Facebook post had no agenda. I grew up in the Dallas/ Forth Worth area, and my heart broke for my home. That is all.”
Jeremy Camp shared his thoughts this week after taking some time to process the events of last week in Minnesota, Louisiana, and Dallas.: I’ve been at a loss for words about all this for days…I’m deeply disturbed and my heart is so heavy. I’m NOT okay with it… We desperately need to see our need for Jesus and return to Him. We need to ask Him to give us HIS heart for others and to walk the way He walked!
(No news on the weekends. As on ONAIRprep subscriber, you can get a fully-produced, customized version of the Daily Dose of Weird News FREE with a station or show specific tag! Email firstname.lastname@example.org for details!)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
In an audacious marketing stunt for its green tea, the Te-A-Me Tea company in India has sent 6,000 tea bags to Republican nominee Donald Trump to help him “cleanse” himself and make him “smarter”. ***In that case, distribute to the tea to all of the American voters so we’ll be smart enough not to vote for Trump or Hillary!
The McDonald’s corporation is filtering their public Wi-Fi. The Internet safety organization Enough Is Enough is praising McDonald’s decision to block pornography and child pornography. ***Isn’t that a no-brainer – especially when you have a kids’ play area and toy-filled Happy Meals as part of your business? Yay! Let’s praise McDonald’s for doing the blatantly obvious!
In Mexico 10 inmates escaped from a prison in the vacation resort of Cancun. ***They were easily recaptured when police followed the trail of drool left from the men seeing all the women in bathing suits.
A billboard company in Cleveland, where the Republican Party will hold its convention next week, has rejected a giant ad promoting the release of “God’s Not Dead 2” for being “too incendiary.” ***Too incendiary? Your main guy is Donald Trump and you’re worried about a BILLBOARD being too incendiary?
A large number of GOP senators are skipping next week’s convention in Cleveland where Donald Trump is scheduled to accept the Republican Party presidential nomination. And the no-shows are offering up some unique excuses. Sen. Steve Daines of Montana says he will be fly-fishing with his wife. Sen. Jeff Flake of Arizona said he has to mow his lawn. Sen. Lisa Murkowski of Alaska will be traveling her state by bush plane. And Sen. John McCain of Arizona will be visiting the Grand Canyon. *** We can expect many more senators to skip the convention as well now that they have something more exciting to do like track down Pokemons.
The Pokemon Go website is careful to warn players not to get distracted, saying, “For safety’s sake, never play Pokemon Go when you’re on your bike, driving a car, riding a hoverboard or anything else where you should be paying attention.” *** They’re not kidding! I almost ran into two teenage girls with my car last night as they had their heads stuck in their phones apparently looking for Pokémon. Zombies. Brainless zombies staring into their phones while walking in search of imaginary characters. These morons are lucky I looked up in time from texting while eating my double cheeseburger to stop the car before I hit them.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
Ben and Jerry or Haagen-Dazs might help you get pregnant, but not in the usual way. A study suggests a diet rich in ice cream and other high-fat dairy foods may lower the risk of one type of infertility. But some doctors say it sounds too good to be true and probably is. ***MARLAR: Whew! That’s good… for a second there I thought I’d have to give up my Chunky Monkey!
A recent study says that New York city produces 1% of the country’s greenhouse gas emissions — as much as the entire countries or Ireland or Portugal. ***MARLAR: Legislation is now being drafted to ban New Yorkers from breathing.
Japanese researchers have discovered the perfect way to eat a hamburger. Three “experts in fluid mechanics, engineering, and density” say thumbs and pinkies on the bottom, middle three fingers on top. The uniformly spread fingers help keep the burger together at all times, thus keeping the contents from mushing out preemptively. ***MARLAR: Well, what do you know – I was actually doing something right in my life for a change.
A recent survey (by cable.co.uk) shows one in three people would rather lose a finger than their broadband connection. *** But not their thumb though – they need that for the remote control.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Nations In Debt”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Charles Marshall, “Altoids”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle island of Razzleflabbin, Katie Snuffleson has boarded the cloud tram and was off on her way to Candyland – despite the warnings from Olaf and Karl that it could be dangerous if she eats too much candy – as she might fall from the sky! But Katie doesn’t seem all that concerned… at least not yet.
CLOSE: Oh boy – too much candy has made Katie too heavy for the clouds to support her any longer! Karl and Olaf warned her this could happen – but did she listen? No. Will Katie survive? Find out next time, As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JULY 23/24
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffleson had met new friends – the Razzleflabbins, on Razzleflabbin Island. He told them why he’d been sent to his room – because he wouldn’t get to know the new kid in his neighborhood, and they told Marvy they understood, but that it’s important to get to know people – especially those who are different than you!
CLOSE: Uh oh… what’s so weird about this other Razzleflabbin that they have to have a scout spying at all times to keep an eye out on him? Well… he’s on his way, so we’ll likely find out why’s he so different (and why the Razzleflabbins are frightened of him) next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of “As the Jungle Turns” in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us and ask about “Jungle Jam & Friends the Radio Show” usage.
MOMENT OF DUH
Imagine offering teenagers assault rifles as prizes!
An Oklahoma church had planned to give away a semiautomatic assault rifle at a weekend retreat for teens, but canceled it after one of the event organizers was unable to attend. The shooting competition has been canceled and the church says they’ll give the $800 gun away next year. The church said the gun giveaway was to encourage teens to show up. ***MARLAR: Do you really want to give semiautomatic rifles to teens – especially teens that are anxious to get a semiautomatic rifle?
TOP TEN OF THE WORLD’S LONGEST LISTS
- Reporters who consider themselves experts on the Iraq war.
- Irritating Volvo drivers.
- Unsolicited advice given by Mothers-in-Law
- Women who like chocolate.
- Apologies Husbands Make for Something They Said
- Apologies Husbands Make for Something They Didn’t Say
- Things I will do when I retire or win the lottery
- Campaign promises never met
- People who think gas prices are too high.
- Stuff Bill Gates can buy
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Two criminals drive themselves to prison!
FILE #1: Two men escaped in a car after robbing a convenience store. Police were soon in pursuit, but had some difficulty catching up with the high speeding suspects. However, they were able to keep the suspects in sight. The chase lasted about 10 minutes and, then suddenly, it was all over. The suspects had turned down a one way street and crashed their car into a set of gates on a dead end road. Bizarre as it may seem, and very unfortunate for these wrong way dead end robbers, they had crashed into the gate of the STATE PRISON! The two men were apprehended and later charged with armed robbery and numerous other charges related to the chase and crash. Each man is now serving a prison term in the very same state prison they crashed into.
FILE #2: A bungling armed raider threatened a bank teller with a pistol in Bordeaux, France, and demanded $13,700. When the teller said he didn’t have nearly that much, the bandit lowered his demand to $6,800. When the clerk again refused, the robber asked to withdraw a small amount of cash from his own account. The teller asked for his identity card. Police captured the suspect at his home.
FILE #3: In Modesto, CA, A man was arrested for trying to hold up a bank without a weapon. He used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
STRANGE LAW: In Louisiana it’s against the law to gargle in public.
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
It’s amazing what someone might decide to steal when their brain is on drugs.
In Flagstaff, Arizona, 37-year-old Christopher Billie is facing burglary charges after he allegedly climbed into a hearse during a funeral and began STEALING THE FLOWERS PILED INSIDE! Police were called to Our Lady of Guadalupe Church by a funeral director who watched as Billie opened the hearse door, climbed inside and began grabbing flower vases. Not surprisingly, he was reportedly intoxicated at the time.
Today is SIDEWALK FRYING DAY, a good time to fry something on the sidewalk. ***MARLAR: Anyone actually done this – fried something on the sidewalk?
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who had a vision of two women with stork wings?
ANSWER: Zechariah (Zech. 5:9)
QUESTION: What mammal can starve to death, despite a plentiful supply of food, if there are too many cool, cloudy days in a row?
ANSWER: The sloth, which has to sun itself daily to raise its body temperature so the bacteria in its stomach is warm enough to break down the leaves it eats. It often takes up to 100 hours to digest a stomach full of food.
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- The first six American Idol winners were crowned at The Kodak Theatre. (True)
- Eddie Murphy legally adopted Hercules as his middle name. (False, Elton John did)
- According to Direct mail experts, Maria is the most misspelled name in America. (False, Marilyn)
- The state drink of Maine is Moxie. (True)
- If you bring a raccoon’s head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.20 from the town. (False – ten cents)
- New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner and the late M*A*S*H star McLean Stevenson were both once assistant football coaches at Kansas State University. (False – Northwestern University)
- The letter W is the only letter in the alphabet that has more than one syllable. (True)
- All swans in England are property of the Queen. (True, as are all of the sturgeons. Messing with them is a serious offense.)
- Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th. (True – John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 year later.)
- October 4, 1957 is a historic date to be remembered in both America and Russia. (True, it is the day both “Leave it to Beaver” and the Russian satellite Sputnik 1 were launched.)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
“Fight Breaks Out Between Moms at _________!” (Chuck E. Cheese)
In Natick, Massachusetts, a fight broke out at a child’s birthday party at a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant between two mothers! Police said the mom of the 9-year-old birthday boy lost it because the other woman’s son was “hogging” an arcade game. Both moms were arrested.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A Kentucky phone company was going to hire a team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two rednecks and a team of two Irish guys.
So the boss met with both teams and said: “Here’s what we’ll do. Each team will install poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job.”
Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed.
They said that it was tough going, but they’d put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later, Geoff and Darnell, the rednecks came back and they were totally exhausted.
The boss asked, “Well, how many poles did you guys install?”
Geoff, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, “Darnell and me, we got three in.”
The boss gasped, “Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!”
“Yeah,” said Geoff, “yeah, but you should see how much they left stickin’ out of the ground though!”
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a modern marriage – equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn’t impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, “Poached? I wanted scrambled!” Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn’t having any of it. “Do you think I don’t like variety? I wanted poached this morning!” Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, “third time’s a charm” and brought her two eggs — one scrambled and one poached. “Here, my love, enjoy!” Jill looks at the plate and says, “You scrambled the wrong egg.”
A man traveling in southern Indiana was headed for the Kentucky border…when he saw a large sign: “LAST CHANCE FOR $3.55 GAS!” He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he’d better take advantage of this 0pportunity to fill-up his tank at $3.55.
As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, “How much is gas in Kentucky?” The attendant replied, “$3.10.”
More than age, marital status, blood pressure and smoking, anxiety is the top cause of heart attacks, according to a study from the Lown Cardiovascular Research Foundation of Massachusetts. ***MARLAR: Unfortunately, the top cause of anxiety is marriage.
A new study says results from many studies take almost two years to be released. ***MARLAR: Which means this study on studies is at least two years old.
Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke?
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
THAT STINKS, MRS. CLEAVER
Jerry Mathers as “the Beaver”, and Shaun Mathers as “the Skunk”. Beaver Cleaver’s little brother also has an animal attached to his career – a skunk!
Cops have found the answer to crime right under their noses. The Los Angeles Police Department has a special unit that drives drug dealers and other lowlifes out of abandoned buildings by smearing the rooms with blobs of horrid-smelling goop. The name of the new urban heroes — The Skunk Squad. Their weapon, called Skunk Shot, sends criminals running for fresh air while gagging and holding their noses. And the odor keeps them away for days. “Skunk Shot has been able to do what fences, gates, barbed wire and multiple arrests have been unable to do,” says Lt Shaun Mathers, the younger brother of “Leave It To Beaver” star Jerry Mathers. Mathers and Gage surfed the web and discovered Skunk Shot, a synthetic repellant gel invented in New Zealand. Each $12 tube holds enough to smear about five locations.
LESS GOING, MORE KNOWING
Wherever you go this summer, remember to pack your compassion.
By Alan Cohen
As many of us prepare for summer travels, we may get caught up in the details of planning, to the point of losing our peace. How ironic that setting up something fun should distract us from fun! Yet even as you head toward your destination you can find joy right where you stand.
Dee and I were in a business supply store we regularly visit, where a kind and knowledgeable salesman often helps us. This man has a certain back difficulty that causes him to hunch somewhat. After we spoke with him about some products, Dee noted to me, “Gosh, that fellow seems more bent over than the last time we saw him.” Her comment shifted me out of my purchasing mode and into my heart. Yes, the man stood less straight than we remembered him. I realized that even as he served in his salesman role, he had a life. He had feelings, a family, and probably health concerns. There was so much more to him than the surface role we knew him in. I remembered a quote: “Be gentle with everyone, for everyone is fighting their own inner battle.”
Passion is important, but so is compassion. The purpose of life is not just to get stuff done, but to connect with each other. He who dies with the most toys does not win. He who lives with the most joys, does.
I remember people in my life who rose above the illusion of busyness to connect with me. Like the time I arrived at the Miami airport after flying overnight. I was quite tired, did not feel so great, and headed for a snack bar for a bite. When the Hispanic waitress asked me for my order, I asked for some orange juice. The waitress looked at me kindly and asked, “Is that all you are going to have? Why don’t you eat something, honey?” I swear she was channeling my mother! In the midst of a hectic and chaotic environment, I felt loved and cared for. “Alright, I’ll have a bagel and cream cheese,” I told her. “That’s better,” she replied with a smile and went to get me some sustenance. Funny, many years later I remember her very clearly. God sends people to help you when you need them.
Sometimes you are the person giving the help and sometimes you are the one receiving it; both roles are important. The operative word here is “person.” It’s about people, not things. Knowing, more than doing. Being, more than getting.
Do set out on your vacation and do have a great time. Just be sure to have a great time before you leave and along the way. Often the lessons we discover outshine the events we seek. Martin Buber noted, “All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.” You think you are going for one reason, but life has a bigger reason. When you recognize the deeper reason, the trip takes on far greater meaning and value.
When we go to the office supply store now, I take a few more moments with our favorite salesman. I ask him how he is, I look him in the eye, and I let him know I appreciate him and his services. I see his bent back, but even more important I see his spirit, which cannot be bent. Neither can yours, or mine, or anyone’s, as we recognize that the real journey is the one home.
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
A TIME FOR COMPASSION
READ: Luke 23:26-34
Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.” —Luke 23:34
In 2002, I was in Jakarta, Indonesia, to teach a 2-night Bible conference. The first night, I went early to the host church, and the pastor asked if he could show me around the building. It was impressive in its beauty.
Then the pastor took me to the lower assembly hall. At the front of the hall was a pulpit and a communion table. Behind it was a plain concrete wall on which hung a wooden cross. Below it were some words in the national language of Indonesia. I asked him what the inscription said, and he surprised me by quoting Christ’s words from the cross:
“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.”
I asked if it was there for a particular reason, and he said that several years earlier there had been serious rioting in the city, and 21 churches were burned to the ground in one day. That wall was all that remained of their former facility—the first of the churches to be torched.
The wall and the verse formed a reminder of the compassion of Christ which He showed on the cross, and that became the church’s message to their city. Revenge and bitterness will never be healing responses to the hatred and rage of a lost world. But the compassion of Christ is, just as it was 2,000 years ago. — Bill Crowder
Give me a heart sympathetic and tender;
Jesus, like Thine, Jesus, like Thine,
Touched by the needs that are surging around me,
And filled with compassion divine. —Anon.
Compassion is needed to heal the hurts and hearts of others.
A KING KONG LOVE STORY
Apes don’t usually carry off human females, but when it happens, it’s terrifying. One of the most shocking incidents happened in 1914 when the President of France’s wife was carried off by an escaped orangutan while she was sunning herself in a Paris garden. The crazed ape hauled the beautiful woman to the top of a tall tree and held her captive there for three hours. The French First Lady was rescued, but the incident was kept a closely guarded national secret for more than 40 years.
LIFE… LIVE IT
There could be some good news for those who have gone from bad hair days to no hair days.
Scientists say they’ve had success by cloning human hair. The way it works is that they take some healthy hair follicles from the back of the head and clone them. They then inject the cloned hair into the bald areas. The British team conducting the experiments says it can take up to 1,000 injections, and while that sounds like a lot, it’s still easier than current transplant methods. They say the technique increases hair count in at least two thirds of the patients after six months, and four out of five if the scalp is stimulated beforehand through gentle abrasions that encourage hair growth. If all continues to go well, the procedure could become available within five years, but there’s no word on what it will cost. ***MARLAR: I’m sure the price will turn your hair white.
JUST FOR FUN
Free coffins! Get your free coffins here!
The government of Ukraine is so broke it hasn’t been able to send the elderly their pension checks for nearly a year, so officials are offering to send them free coffins instead of the money. Many of the angry retirees say they’re not dead yet… what they really need is a loaf of bread! ***MARLAR: Experts say the situation is beginning to get grave.
IMPOSSIBLE INVENTIONS THAT NOW EXIST
Here are some examples of inventions and ideas that some people said “couldn’t be done” or “shouldn’t be done.”
- The first successful cast-iron plow, invented in the United States in1797, was rejected by New Jersey farmers under the theory that cast iron poisoned the land and stimulated the growth of weeds.
- An eloquent authority in the United States declared that the introduction of the railroad would require the building of many insane asylums, since people would be driven mad with terror at the sight of locomotives rushing across the country.
- In Germany it was proved by “experts” that if trains went at the frightful speed of 15 miles an hour, blood would spurt from the travelers’ noses and passengers would suffocate when going through tunnels.
- Commodore Vanderbilt dismissed Westinghouse and his new air brakes for trains, stating, “I have no time to waste on fools.”
- Those who loaned Robert Fulton money for his steamboat project stipulated that their names be withheld for fear of ridicule were it known they supported anything so “foolhardy.”
- In 1881, when the New York YWCA announced typing lessons for women, vigorous protests were made on the grounds that the female constitution would break down under the strain.
- Men insisted that iron ships would not float, that they would damage more easily than wooden ships when grounding, that it would be difficult to preserve the iron bottom from rust, and that iron would deflect the compass.
- Joshua Coppersmith was arrested in Boston for trying to sell stock in the telephone. “All well-informed people know that it is impossible to transmit the human voice over a wire.”
- The editor of the Springfield Republican refused an invitation to ride in an early automobile, claiming that it was incompatible with the dignity of his position.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
A POEM FOR PARENTS (Author Unknown)
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my sanity to keep. For if some peace I do not find, I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet Far from the daily family riot May I lie back–not have to think about what they’re stuffing down the sink, or who they’re with, or where they’re at and what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself (did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed (Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake (Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean– (well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my wits about me keep, But as I look around I know– I must have lost them long ago!
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
Protestants and Catholics are split on who should be our next President. According to a Pew Release Survey, Hillary Clinton is way ahead of Donald Trump among Catholics in the US. Her lead, according to the survey, is thanks largely to a huge majority of support among Hispanic voters. The poll results found that the Democrat holds a 17-point lead over the Republican among registered Catholic voters. Among Latino Catholics however, the margin is 77-16 per cent in favour of Clinton. Meanwhile, the new poll finds that 78 percent of white evangelical voters say they would vote for Trump if the election were held today, and a third of them say they “strongly” back him.
When the computer code for the Apollo moon missions was uploaded in its entirety to GitHub, a popular open source website for developers, it was revealed that the original MIT programmers who authored it had a healthy sense of humor. It was quickly discovered that the programmers inserted Easter eggs — or hidden messages — into the lines of the Apollo Guidance Code. The files are full of tongue-in-cheek sayings and a few quotes from Shakespeare’s play, “Henry V.” Hear the details in a short 4min podcast at http://wny.cc/21sW3028CUM.
Jellytelly, the maker of What’s in the Bible, is out with a list of 5 Things Parents Should Know about Pokémon Go
- PRO: Pokémon Go Gets Kids Up and Moving!
- PRO: Pokemon Go Is a GREAT Way to Spend Time Together!
- CON: You Have to Watch Where You Walk!
- CON: Potential Phone Security Issues
- PRO: Family Fun!
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Today’s (JOCK SHOW) was made possible by a flaw in the system.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
JULY 15, 2016…
Equals—In this society, there is not supposed to be any emotion, but that doesn’t always work. Kirsten Stewart and Nicholas Hoult find out how dangerous it can be when love impedes the state progressing. “Equals” is rated PG 13. No rating.
Ghostwriters—Redoing “Ghostbusters” with a different cast has been tossed around Hollywood for a long time and now it happened…with a female cast. The operatives are Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig, Leslie Jones and Kate McKinnon. They go after evil spirits in the Big City. Plus, there is green goop everywhere. Sigh. “Ghostbusters” is rated PG 13. No rating.
The Infiltrator—Just how far and how deep underground does money laundering go? Bryan Cranston wants to find out in this story based on a true incident, where someone goes undercover to find out about the dangerous Escobar drug cartel family. “The Infiltrator” is rated R. No rating.
JULY 22, 2016…
Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie follows the adventures of Edina (Jennifer Saunders) and Patsy (Joanna Lumley). This was a British hit TV comedy series.
Ice Age: Collision Course is another in the animated series of the animals of long ago, and this time their habitat is in danger. Voices of Ray Ramano and John Luguizamo.
Lights Out is another what-is-haunting-us-now film and stars Teresa Palmer.
Star Trek Beyond and this is the 50th anniversary of this science fiction franchise. Justin Lin is at the directorial helm as Chris Pine (as Captain James T. Kirk) and crew go into the great beyond with fans right behind them. Sign me up. The late Anton Yelchin is one of the stars of this film.
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