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PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION: 20150720
WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
Hello and welcome to (THE JOCK SHOW). Remember, four out of five dentists agree that listening to this show is cheaper than laughing gas.
105-degree heat index, the radio station has the A/C blowing at 68-degrees. How’s a human being to dress for that scenario?
After eleven hours of sleep, I have determined that I will always require “just another twenty minutes”.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE DAY
“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.” –Ephesians 3:20-21
God exalted him [Jesus] to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every other name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. — Philippians 2:9-11
HEARTLIGHT VERSE & THOUGHT
Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. — 1 Timothy 5:1
Thought: There is an eagerness, passion, and a clear sense of purpose that can go with being young — headstrong, untested, and rash is how some who are older might describe it. There is a surety with age because of tried and true methods proven over time — staid, predictable, and unmovable is how some who are younger might describe it. These differences can cause tension and conflict; yet both have something to be learned from the other. No matter how mistaken an older Christian may be, he or she should be treated with the respect that comes from a life proven in faith. But older Christians must also be willing to receive correction from a younger one, especially if it is done prayerfully by a young believer who has demonstrated his humility, love, and respect toward those who are older.
Prayer: O Eternal Father, God of my ancestors’ history and the assurance of my future, please help me be a person of integrity, especially when I deal with those who are not of my age group. May I be respectful and careful with my tone as I speak with those who are older. May I be pliable and open to change when confronted with my errors by those who are younger. Most of all, Father, please lead those people into my life who will love me enough to forgive my errors and also love me enough to point them out to me and to help me grow beyond them. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
“BIRTH VERSE” OF THE DAY
The chapter and verse corresponds to the month and the day!
Ecclesiastes 7:20 NIV
There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins.
TODAY IS MONDAY – JULY 20, 2015
(NOTE: Some holidays may be duplicated due to various calendars reporting conflicting dates)
WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS!
THERE ARE ONLY 159 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Today is NATIONAL LOLLIPOP DAY.
Today is MOON DAY, marking man’s first landing on the moon on this date in 1969 when Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed their lunar module Eagle. ***MARLAR: It was one small step for man, one giant waste of tax dollars for mankind because we didn’t find any cheese.
Today is CLEAT DANCING DAY, a day to see how much fun it is, if any, to tap dance while wearing baseball cleats. ***MARLAR: It might also be Lawsuit Day if you try this stunt on the hotel ballroom’s dance floor.
TODAY IS ALSO. . .
Global Hug your Kid Day
Space Exploration Day
National Lollipop Day
National Get Out Of The Doghouse Day
COMING UP NEXT
TUESDAY, JULY 21
Legal Drinking Age Day
No Pet Store Puppies Day
WEDNESDAY, JULY 22
Casual Pi Day (22/7)
Fragile X Awareness Day
THURSDAY, JULY 23
Gorgeous Grandma Day
Hot Enough For Ya Day
FRIDAY, JULY 24
National Drive-Thru Day
National Tequila Day
Tell An Old Joke Day
SATURDAY, JULY 25
Carousel Day (Merry-Go-Round Day)
SUNDAY, JULY 26
Paddle for Perthes Disease Awareness Day
MONDAY, JULY 27
National Korean War Veterans Armistice Day
Take Your Houseplant For a Walk Day
Walk on Stilts Day
ON THIS DAY
1940: Billboard magazine published its first “Music Popularity Chart.” The first #1 single was Tommy Dorsey’s “I’ll Never Smile Again,” featuring vocalist Frank Sinatra.
1949: The Hollywood Reporter said that American teenagers were calling their local drive-in movie theater “the passion pit.”
1963: Trombonist Ray Conniff was awarded two gold records, for the albums “Concert in Rhythm” and “Memories are Made of This” on Columbia Records.
1969: Astronaut Neil Armstrong became the first man to walk on the moon. First words transmitted from the moon; “Houston, Tranquility Base here, the Eagle has landed.”
1974: A Dallas narcotics suspect surrendered after police had served a warrant at his “incredibly filthy” apartment two days earlier while he wasn’t home. Officers made his bed, washed his dishes, vacuumed, tossed out all the beer cans and trash, and left fresh flowers on his coffee table with a note saying they’d taken his drugs.
1983: Nightly ABC News anchor Frank Reynolds died at age 59. He was replaced by ABC News correspondent, Peter Jennings.
1987: Overnight, a 160-foot iron bridge, spanning the Santa Lucua Chico River in Florida, Uruguay, completely disappeared. Police believe thieves dismantled it and hauled it away.
1993: In Philadelphia, an animal rights protester, dressed like a cow, was arrested after she hit Ronald McDonald in the face with a pie.
1994: O.J. Simpson offered a $500,000 reward for the capture of his wife’s “real” killer.
1996: “Blue,” the first album by 13-year-old LeAnn Rimes, debuted at number one on “Billboard’s” country album chart and number four on the pop album chart. The title song was written by Fort Worth all-night deejay, The Midnight Cowboy, Bill Mack.
2000: Seven skydivers set a world record for unassisted human flight by gliding from a Dutch island to the nearby town of Den Helder. From a height of 16,000 feet, they glided 2½ miles, the first time such a distance had been bridged by pure human flight. The skydivers wore special suits that gave them a longer glide path than normal. They opened their parachutes at 1,000 feet before touching down on the mainland.
2001: A 42-year-old Bucharest cleaning lady stopped an armed robber in his tracks by hitting him with her mop because he walked on her wet floor. The thief shot at Florica Dumitru but missed because “he had soap in his eyes.”
2003: A prison guard in Betim, Brazil, went to a bar close to his jail and bumped into three inmates who had sneaked out for a drink. The owner said they were regulars who often popped in. The men said they weren’t running away, they were only having a beer. The prisoners were returned to jail and an investigation was launched into security.
2006: U.S. President Bush received a kind reception and applause from the NAACP in his first address to the nation’s oldest civil rights organization as president. He had turned down five previous invitations to speak.
TODAY IN CHRISTIAN HISTORY
1054: Patriarch of Constantinople Michael Cerularius, having been excommunicated from the Roman church four days earlier, excommunicates Pope Leo IX and his followers. This precipitates the Great Schism.
1910: The Christian Endeavor Society of Missouri begins a campaign to ban all motion pictures that depicted kissing between nonrelatives.
HOLLYWOOD, SPORTS AND CELEBRITY FIGURE BIRTHDAYS
- actress (“According to Jim”) Billi Bruno 19 (
- Actor (Det. Mike Kellerman on “Homicide: Life on the Street”) Reed Diamond, 48 (
- Actress (“Crocodile Hunter”) Terri Irwin, 51 (
- Actress/model (“Bosom Buddies”, wife of Dan Aykroyd) Donna Dixon, 58 (
(Music Artist Birthdays From SongFacts.com)
1933 : Buddy Knox
1943 : John Lodge (The Moody Blues)
1944 : T.G. Sheppard
1946 : Kim Carnes
1946 : John Almond (The Johnny Almond Music Machine)
1947 : Tony Thorpe (The Rubettes)
1947 : Carlos Santana (Santana)
1955 : Marisa DeFranco (The DeFranco Family)
1956 : Paul Cook (The Sex Pistols)
1958 : Mick McNeil (Simple Minds)
1966 : Stone Gossard (Pearl Jam)
1972 : Vitamin C
1978 : Elliott Yamin
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Do dandelions have anything at all to do with lions?
In England this flower was originally called a lion’s tooth. But as early as the 16th century people were already coming to look upon anything with a French name as having been culturally bumped up a notch. So the lion’s tooth became the dent de lion, eventually dandelion, which freely translated means–surprise!–“lion’s tooth.” But why was it a “lion’s tooth” in the first place? Because the leaves that accompany the flower are said to resemble teeth.
CHRISTIAN ARTIST NEWS
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A bit of trivia about the band NeedToBreathe; the members of the band told Golf Digest that they always make sure there’s a spot on the tour bus for their golf clubs.
Jenny Simmons says she is an off tempo cicada. She and her husband were in bed when Jenny woke Ryan to complain that, while two of the cicadas out side the couples window were in perfect tempo, one sounded like he was, in her words, “hopped up on snow cones and smores and singing a circus tune.” Ryans response: I am married to that cicada. After a horrified silence Jenny admitted: “I am an off tempo cicada.” She said: This is nearly thirteen years of marriage. Yep. Feels about right.
Matt Maher says he had the best opening act ever last week. Matt was playing at the Delaware county fair in Iowa and tweeted that his opening act was a cowboy who throws knives at his wife. He added: She’s also gonna be spinning on a wheel while said knives are being thrown.
Lauren Daigle was reminded again of how vital adventure is for the soul’s survival. She shared a picture as she was on a roller coaster in the Smokey Mountains and encouraged her social media followers: DO SOMETHING ADVENTUROUS TODAY!!! Lauren even provided some suggestions. She said: Love on a stranger with encouraging words. Dress up for dinner at home. Eat some foreign food. Explore a new neighborhood. Book those long overdue plane tickets. Whatever it is, get out of your routine. Get out of your comfort zone and EXPERIENCE.
Casting Crowns Mark Hall was sharing what he called “a little Daddy Whine Time” last week. He shared on Instagram that he was helping his daughter Reagan paint her closet. But Mark clearly didn’t see the need, pointing out that no one ever would even see the closet. However, Regan put him in his place. She reminded him that, by videoing the project, everyone was actually “seeing it”.
Passion Worship Leader Brett Younker asked the followers of the organization if they would rather he shared live video clips through the social media sites SnapChat or Periscope. However, Passion Pastor Louie Giglio suggested he might also want to consider something a little more old school. He asked: how about a land line?
Kari Jobe tweeted last week: Adding a member to the band in February 2016. But it may be awhile before the newest member can actually perform on stage. Kari also shared a sonogram, announcing that she and her husband Cody Carnes are expecting.
We’ve all had one of those mornings. Kutless member James Mead tweeted that he had just realized that he woke up two hours earlier then his alarm was set for. The frustrating part was that he had showered and shaved and gotten completely ready before he realized his mistake.
Rush of Fools member Kevin Huguley was scoring some major “cool dad” points recently. He went back to the beach after dark to find and dig up his daughters doll.
Jenny Simmons was having a tough travel day earlier this week. She tweeted: 3 cancelled flights, 4 times through security and 4 shuttle rides at La Guardia, also described by Jenny as the testing ground for whether you are a decent human.
WEIRD & WACKY
|Just a kangaroo in the vineyard during Australian snowstorm photo
SYDNEY (AP) — Kangaroos are a common sight for Australian vineyard owner Bill Shrapnel. But a winter storm this week was the first time he’d seen a ‘roo in the snow. Shrapnel guesses about 30 of the “timid” and “watchful” creatures live on his 77-acre Colmar Estate vineyard in Orange, New…
|Spanish town’s summer advice: don’t skip your siesta
MADRID (AP) — The heat is on, and a Spanish town is taking its afternoon siesta seriously. Every summer day in Ador, a small farming town in eastern Spain, a policeman reads out a town hall proclamation recommending that locals observe the traditional siesta period between 2 p.m. and 5 p.m….
|Police: Stuffed toy cushions Colorado girl’s 3-story fall
COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. (AP) — Police in Colorado say a stuffed toy helped save a 5-year-old girl’s life after she fell out of a third-story apartment window. The girl broke her arm, but Colorado Springs police say she held on to the toy and it cushioned her fall Thursday night. Police said…
|Man scales fences, runs onto San Diego airport runway
SAN DIEGO (AP) — Police arrested a shirtless man believed to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol after he scaled two fences and ran onto a runway at San Diego International Airport, briefly interrupting flights. Airport authority spokesman Jonathan Heller says all incoming and outgoing…
|Police: Man sees robbery video of himself, turns himself in
TRENTON, N.J. (AP) — Police say a man shown in a surveillance video trying to rob a New Jersey business later watched the recording online and turned himself in. Trenton police Lt. Stephen Varn tells NJ.com (http://bit.ly/1Kblz72) that Dwaine Whitaker appeared on surveillance video trying to…
|Los Angeles burglar records video selfie with victim’s phone photo
LOS ANGELES (AP) — Authorities in Los Angeles are looking for a burglar who accidentally made a selfie with his victim’s iPhone. Police say the thief entered a home in the Venice area through an unlocked door Saturday and grabbed the phone, but he accidentally activated a video app. The crook…
|China reprimands online companies for spread of sex video photo
BEIJING (AP) — Sex may sell, but a steamy video purportedly taken inside a Uniqlo fitting room in Beijing is giving the clothing retailer some uncomfortable attention. Online searches for the Japanese clothing brand soared this week after the viral spread of the video apparently showing a…
|Police: Man uninjured after being run over by freight train
SCHAGHTICOKE, N.Y. (AP) — State police say a man escaped injury after being run over by a freight train while sleeping in the middle of railroad tracks in an upstate New York town. Troopers say 38-year-old Aaron Collins of Stillwater was highly intoxicated when he went to sleep Wednesday…
|Owner says breast milk jewelry business isn’t scam
PROVIDENCE, R.I. (AP) — A Rhode Island woman who makes jewelry out of mothers’ breast milk is hitting back at claims that her business is a scam. HASH(0x13ebd20) State Attorney General Peter Kilmartin says his office has received two new complaints against MommyMilk since Wednesday. The…
|Patrol investigating how Ohio inmate got prison passwords
COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — Ohio authorities are investigating how an inmate obtained a list of prison administrators’ usernames and passwords. Prisons spokeswoman JoEllen Smith says the list was discovered during a random search at Lebanon Correctional Institution on July 10. Smith said Thursday…
|60-pound dead fish found in suburban Kansas drainage ditch photo
OLATHE, Kan. (AP) — A suburban Kansas City animal control officer says she was skeptical when a man called to report a 4-foot-long carp in a drainage ditch. But Jamie Schmidt, a school resource officer with the Olathe, Kansas, Police Department, soon found herself wrapping up the 60-pound…
HEALTH & FITNESS
|Liberia says 4 remaining Ebola patients have recovered
MONROVIA, Liberia (AP) — The four remaining patients infected during Liberia’s recent string of Ebola cases have recovered, meaning there are currently no confirmed cases in the country though more than 100 people are still under surveillance, a health official said Friday. “There are no…
|Could Martha’s Vineyard, Nantucket miss out on medical pot? photo
BOSTON (AP) — Massachusetts has a cannabis conundrum. State law requires every county to have a dispensary for medical marijuana, but federal regulations forbid the drug from being transported across U.S. waters. That leaves the tourist havens of Martha’s Vineyard and Nantucket potless unless…
|Democrats decry undercover probe of HealthCare.gov
WASHINGTON (AP) — Senior Democrats pushed back Thursday against an undercover government probe of President Barack Obama’s health care law, saying it didn’t uncover any real fraud. Investigators for the nonpartisan Government Accountability Office signed up 11 bogus beneficiaries for 2014…
|Major cyberattack targets UCLA hospital system
LOS ANGELES (AP) — A months-long cyberattack on the University of California, Los Angeles, hospital system put at risk the personal information for up to 4.5 million people, officials said Friday. UCLA Health said in a statement that while there’s no evidence hackers acquired personal or…
|Senator: Compensate residents near site of atomic bomb test photo
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. (AP) — People who lived near the site of the first atomic bomb test in the New Mexico desert and later developed cancer and other health problems need to be compensated, a U.S. senator said Thursday. The federal government neglected residents of the historic Hispanic village…
|Pot-pioneering Colorado rejects marijuana as PTSD treatment photo
DENVER (AP) — Colorado is known for pushing boundaries on marijuana, but health officials’ decision to reject pot as a treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder shows the issue is far from settled. Voters have made marijuana legal for both medical and recreational use, but government…
|Liberia confirms 2nd Ebola death in resurgent outbreak photo
MONROVIA, Liberia (AP) — A second person in Liberia has died from Ebola in the latest resurgence of the deadly disease in the West African nation, an official said Wednesday. The woman in her early 20s who died on July 12 was linked to the 17-year-old boy who died last month, Deputy Health…
|Study show high-risk areas for Lyme disease growing photo
NEW YORK (AP) — The geographic areas where Lyme disease is a bigger danger have grown dramatically, according to a new government study published Wednesday U.S. cases remain concentrated in the Northeast and upper Midwest. But now more areas in those regions are considered high risk. “The…
|House panel wants to interview Planned Parenthood official
WASHINGTON (AP) — A Republican-led House committee asked Friday for a briefing from the Planned Parenthood official whose secretly recorded discussion of how her organization obtains tissue from aborted fetuses for research has ignited a new GOP political offensive on abortion. The letter to…
|Study: Early clue to why some children may have reading woes photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — New research suggests it may be possible to predict which preschoolers will struggle to read — and it has to do with how the brain deciphers speech when it’s noisy. Scientists are looking for ways to tell, as young as possible, when children are at risk for later…
|Congressional panels will probe Planned Parenthood video photo
WASHINGTON (AP) — The searing political conflict over abortion flared anew Wednesday as three Republican-led congressional committees said they will investigate whether Planned Parenthood is selling organs from aborted fetuses. House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, criticized the group and said…
(None on the weekends)
NEW NEWS KICKERS…
Around 880 tons of smuggled frozen meat have been seized by Chinese authorities, including one batch dating from the 1970s. The meat was bound for restaurants, retailers and supermarkets. *** Too bad – aged cheese and wine is always more valuable – imagine what a 40 year old cheeseburger might’ve been worth!
After spending 14 hours on top of a 9-story-high crane at a construction site, a homeless man in San Jose was coaxed down from the cab he was perched in after he was promised a burrito. *** Maybe that’s the solution to all of the out-of-control violence in America – we’re just not offering up enough free Mexican food.
Twenty-one-year-old Loxahatchee, Florida resident Tyler Butler has been arrested on charges of arson and using an explosive device after cops say he tried to prevent a bank from selling his foreclosed home by attempting to blow up the place with a bowling ball bomb. The bomb included a gunpowder-filled center and a rope fuse. *** Which he apparently bought from the ACME EXPLOSIVES COMPANY located in TOONLAND!
In Mexico, a Donald Trump piñata is currently a popular item. *** The idea of hitting the Donald with a stick is so appealing that Hillary has ordered twelve of them.
NEWS KICKER EVERGREENS…
Eat fiber and live longer. That’s the conclusion from the largest study yet on fiber and longevity. Fiber fights heart disease and certain cancers, and protects us from lung ailments like pneumonia and the flu. If you’re like most Americans, you probably are not eating enough fiber. On average, we eat only about 15 grams a day, but the recommended daily amount is 25 grams for women and 38 grams for men. ***MARLAR: Upside of eating fiber – you live longer. Downside – you spend that extra amount of life in the bathroom.
Only a 10 percent chance of showers today, but a 70 percent chance of flu next month. That’s the kind of forecasting health scientists are trying to move toward, as they increasingly include weather data in their attempts to predict disease outbreaks. In one recent study, two scientists reported they could predict — more than seven weeks in advance — when flu season was going to peak in New York City. Theirs was just the latest in a growing wave of computer models that factor in rainfall, temperature, or other weather conditions to forecast disease. Health officials are excited by this kind of work and the idea that it could be used to fine-tune vaccination campaigns or other disease prevention efforts. At the same time, experts note that outbreaks are influenced as much, or more, by human behavior and other factors as by the weather. ***MARLAR: So when they report a high pressure system moving in, they might simply be referring to the pressure of the flu-shot needle in your arm.
Can losing your cool be good for you? According to a German study, people who express their anger live two years longer, on average, than those who bottle up their rage. After analyzing 6,000 patients, researchers found that those who internalized their angry feelings ran the risk of an elevated pulse, high blood pressure, and other serious ailments. Dr. Janet Taylor, a psychiatrist who specializes in stress management, says “It’s really how to express appropriate anger,” she said. “And people who keep it in, the hostility … people who get depressed … certainly have a higher risk for having cardiovascular disease, like heart attacks and even sudden death.” ***MARLAR: My wife is going to outlive me by decades.
Want to live to be 100 or older? Your odds are better if you are a woman. Statistics from the U.S. Census Bureau revealed that for every 100 women that make it to at least 100, there are only 20.7 men who do the same. But, the statistics also revealed that getting to 100 isn’t an easy feat. Fewer than two people out of 10,000 will make it to that ripe old age.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… “Low Walmart Prices”
DAILY COMEDY CLIP
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD TODAY’S EPISODE… Joey I.L.O., “Dad Compliments”
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – WEEKDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD MONDAY’S EPISODE
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! When last we left the jungle, Racquet the Skunk was excited about being asked to draw a picture of the Rabbit Family using his brand new crayons. Unfortunately, before he could begin the portrait, he lost every single one of his crayons through a hole in his backpack!
CLOSE: Swimming? How can all of the animals think of swimming while their friend Racquet is in torment because he can’t find his crayons? Perhaps friendship in the jungle only goes crayon-deep? We’ll find out next time, as FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you another exciting episode of As the Jungle Turns!
AS THE JUNGLE TURNS – SATURDAY/SUNDAY VERSION
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE EPISODE FOR THE WEEKEND OF JULY 25/26, 2015
OPEN: And now, FancyMonkey.com, (Show Name), and (Station Call Letters) bring you As the Jungle Turns! Last time, Marvy Snuffelson, in order to avoid having to work, nailed the Razzleflabbins’ calendar clock hands so they’d stay on Saturday. But now it’s been Saturday for several days… and there’s nothing left to eat on the entire jungle except bread and water!
CLOSE: Will Marvy ever fess up to the truth that it’s actually HIS fault? Tune in again next time, As the Jungle Turns!
***You may simulcast “As the Jungle Turns” on the Internet stream of your live broadcast only. Any other Internet use of As the Jungle Turns in whole or part including podcasting of your live broadcast is a violation of copyright law. Thank you for your cooperation on this vitally important issue. If you have any questions, please e-mail us.
MOMENT OF DUH
Getting out of taxes is not just illegal – it could be a big Moment of Duh!
A Whitehorse, Yukon, Canada man who tried to get away with paying no taxes was fined $3,000 by the government. Cliff Hanna attempted to persuade a judge that he is a free man who owes the government nothing. In a sworn affidavit, he declared that the name “James Clifford Hanna” was put on his birth certificate many years ago without his permission. He disclaimed responsibility for debts or obligations the government assigns to that name. And said there is no record anywhere that he ever accepted the Hanna name. As far as he is concerned, the name James Clifford Hanna is “hearsay.” The judge didn’t buy it.
TOP TEN STEPS IN PHOTOGRAPHING A NEW PUPPY
- Remove film from box and load camera.
- Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
- Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
- Choose a suitable background for photo.
- Mount camera on tripod and focus.
- Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
- Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
- Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
- Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
- Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
Can’t handle your seven-year-old? Have the police arrest him!
FILE #1: A woman in Bismarck North Dakota apparently cannot handle her role as a parent. Instead of handling it herself, the woman decided to call the police to have them arrest her 7-year-old boy – who took $6 from the kitchen counter without permission. (Like this is what we’re paying the police to do.) Amazingly the police did indeed arrest the boy whose fate will now be determined by the Police Youth Bureau.
FILE #2: Floyd Stagner stole a pickup truck and got only a short distance down the interstate before the truck ran out of gas. Realizing how far it can be between gas stations on the interstate and not wanting to leave his newly stolen pickup behind, Floyd decided to use his cell phone to call for assistance. Did he call one of his friends for help? Nope. His mother? Of course not. He called 911 and asked if the cops could come by and help him out. You bet they could! They helped him out of the truck and into their squad car! They gave him some really shiny new bracelets too!
FILE #3: A dozen inmates who escaped from Colombia’s mountain prison of Caloto returned to the front gates of the compound, asking to be readmitted. “Why would they do this?” you might ask. Good question… and the answer is this: the prisoners said they had opted to take advantage of a Colombian amnesty law that forgives and forgets prison breaks if fugitives return voluntarily within 72 hours. They were right too… according to a spokesman at the state-run National Penitentiary, as long as the prisoner were back by 10pm Thursday night, they would NOT be penalized! ***MARLAR: That’s not prison… that’s a job!
STRANGE LAW: You may not catch a fish in Pennsylvania using any body part except the mouth (I assume they mean the fish’s mouth, not yours.)
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
Drinking and driving is dumb. So is playing with matches.
Police in upstate New York accuse student Christopher Chianese of going through a lot of trouble to avoid a DWI court date. Now he’s in a lot more trouble. He’s charged with torching the new municipal offices in Seneca Falls that housed the court. He allegedly set fire to the building just hours before he was to answer a felony charge of driving while intoxicated. Now he faces a charge of third-degree arson and was ordered held on 200-thousand dollars cash bail. If convicted, he could get up to 15 years in prison.
Are kids too spoiled these days? My niece’s bedroom has a television, VCR, DVD player, X-Box, telephone, cell phone, stereo and her own bathroom. She even has a mini-fridge! There’s no reason for her to ever leave her room. Is this too much for a teenager to have? How do you punish a kid who has all of these things? You can’t send her to her room without any supper because she can just crank open the fridge and pop in a movie.
BIBLE BRAIN BUSTER!
QUESTION: Who was Hosea’s second son?
ANSWER: Lo-ammi (Hosea 1:8-9)
QUESTION: In the comic strip “Peanuts”, how many home runs did Charlie Brown ever hit?
ANSWER: Charlie Brown hits a game-winning home run on March 30, his first (and only) in 43 years. (Unfortunately – he never did get to kick that football Lucy was holding for him.)
TRUE OR FALSE
Pay attention! If our next player doesn’t answer all ten T/F questions correctly we start all over from question #1! First person to answer question #10 correctly is our winner!
- The visiting team must provide the referee with 24 footballs for each National Football League game. (False – the home team must supply them)
- The maximum weight for a golf ball is 2.01 ounces. (False – 1.62 oz)
- A flea expert is a pullicologist. (True)
- A bear has 78 teeth. (False – 42 teeth)
- M&M’s stands for the last names of Forrest Mars, Sr., the candymaker, and his associate Bruce Murrie. (True)
- Duddley DoRight’s Horse’s name was “Horse.” (True)
- On Sesame Street, Bert’s goldfish were named Lyle and Talbot. (True, presumably after the actor Lyle Talbot)
- The word “hangnail” refers to the gallows. (False – it comes from Middle English: ang- [painful] + nail. It has nothing to do with hanging.)
- Louis IV of France had a stomach the size of three regular stomachs. (False – but still big. His stomach was the size of TWO human stomaches.)
- Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain smoked four cigars a day for the last years of his life. (False – he smoked forty a day!)
TABLOID MATCH GAME
You have to match the blank in the tabloid headline with the word or phrase that has been removed!
SUPER ________S FOUND! (EARTHS)
Three Super Earths, capable of supporting life, were discovered by scientists.
Astronomers believe they are close to our galaxy and that all three “earths” can sustain human life.
Super Earths mean they have between one and 10 times the mass of the Earth.
Previous studies had identified three planets orbiting the star, including one in the habitable zone.
Lead scientist Dr Gino Angelo, from the University of Rome, said: ‘We identified three strong signals in the star before, but it was possible that smaller planets were hidden in the data.
Angelo said that the planets seem to be identical in make-up to Earth and that “you can almost seen the oceans on each of the planets.” Angelo also picked ups signals coming from the Super Earths. He thinks that “humans” on the Super Earths are also looking for us.
The Chinese want to take the “lead” on travel to the new Super Earths and stated that they will launch a space ship in the next ten years to go to each of the planets.
President Obama also hailed the discovery and plans to send a Republican delegation to the planets as soon as possible.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
A dog walks into Western Union and asks the clerk to send a telegram.
He fills out a form on which he writes down the telegram he wishes to send: “Bow wow wow, Bow wow wow.”
The clerk says, “You can add another ‘Bow wow’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog says, “wouldn’t that sound a little silly?”
At my friends’ wedding reception, the groom stood to say a few words. He turned to his bride’s mother. “You’ve given me a gift,” he began, “a gift that…”
Here he paused, a pause that grew in length. ”That you can’t return!” his mother-in-law completed.
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, “Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine.”
Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight member said, “I eat moderately and I exercise frequently.”
“Hmm?” said the manager. “And are you sure you having nothing else to add?”
“Well, yes,” said the member. “I lie extensively.”
There’s a radio station in Gifu, Japan that broadcasts nothing but a human heartbeat 24 hours a day. Listeners say that hearing it helps them relax. ***MARLAR: The format is called Arrhythmia and Blues.
Two Australian scientists claim they have invented a real thinking cap that can actually improve the thinking skills and IQ of people who wear it. ***MARLAR: If you think you look stupid while wearing the thinking cap, that’s just evidence that it’s working.
A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some “real” musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says “I’ll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion.”
The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies “OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator’s got to stay”.
IT MUST BE TRUE BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
NEED A FAMOUS FACE TO GRACE YOUR NEXT EVENT?
Odds are, you can’t afford them. How about a has-been celebrity? You probably can’t afford THEM either! Here’s what a few of the stars of yesterday are charging to give speeches.
- Howie Mandel $70,000
- Suzanne Somers $62,000
- Louie Anderson $44,000
- LeVar Burton $30,000
- Bob Eubanks $10,000
***MARLAR: Heck – I’ll come out to your event for gas money and a love offering… and maybe a Doctor Pepper 10.
SIGNS SEEN ON CHURCH MARQUEES
- “Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins”
- “Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!”
- “Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons — come hear one!”
- “God so loved the world that He did not send a committee”
- “When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right”
- “Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday”
- “Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world”
DRIVE TIME DEVOTIONAL
LIVING UP TO THE NAME
Read: Ephesians 2:1-10
[God] made us alive together with Christ. –Ephesians 2:5
A new Christian was reading through the Gospels. After she finished, she told a friend she wanted to read a book on church history. When her friend asked why, the woman replied, “I’m curious. I’ve been wondering when Christians started to become so unlike Christ.”
We can understand why this new convert was perplexed. There is a great disparity between the life of Christ and the lives of many who bear His name. In fact, some believers are even imitating the world instead of trying to live like Jesus.
Almost 2,000 years have passed since followers of Jesus were first called Christians (Acts 11:26). Today, we who have placed our trust in the Savior still bear that name and march under the same banner as those early believers.
The Bible says that we are God’s “workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them” (Eph. 2:10). When we call ourselves Christians, we are saying to the world that Christ is our Savior and that we are following Him.
Christians have a glorious name. It is a great privilege to be identified with Christ–and a great obligation to live up to His name!
WHAT’S IN A NAME?
Ever thought about changing your name for any reason? A five-year-old boy has done it!
A five-year-old boy has changed his name because it was too long for him to write down. Josef Michael William Duncan-Williamson decided he’d had enough after coming home from school crying. Hey, with a name like that, you’d get hand cramps before even beginning to write your book report! His mother Gail took out a newspaper ad to announce the change to simply Josef William Duncan. Now the little boy is writing his name all over the place. ***MARLAR: I guess he doesn’t mind writing after all!
LIFE… LIVE IT
THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING CEREAL BOX
Have you noticed a few less snaps, crackles and pops in your cereal lately?
…That’s because cereal boxes – and the amount of cereal inside – are shrinking. Last June, Kellogg slimmed down its cereal boxes. Froot Loops, Cocoa Krispies, Corn Pops, Apple Jacks and Honey Smacks all decreased by about 2.4 ounces. Meanwhile, Unilever recently shrank bottles of Hellman’s Real Mayonnaise, Breyer’s Ice Cream and Skippy, among other items. And while a bag that holds potato chips may not be shrinking, what’s inside is. But consumers are noticing: 75% of those surveyed by Consumer Reports in July said they noticed packages are shrinking and 71% believed the main reason for downsizing was to hide price hikes from consumers. Yet, half of those surveyed said they’d prefer that manufacturers keep the old package and raise the price. Unfortunately, many manufacturers are shrinking the contents and its packaging AND raising prices.
JUST FOR FUN
Being robbed in your home while fast asleep is one thing, but being carjacked while asleep at the wheel – now that story is totally bizarre!
A Seattle man is doing well after sleeping through a carjacking. That’s right… he slept through the carjacking! Police say four men forced four people out of their Honda Passport and went for joyride. But they didn’t get very far after realizing that a fifth person was still sleeping in the backseat. When discovered, the carjackers apparently panicked and the Honda ran into a parked car a short distance later. The four men inside fled and police were able to catch up with one of the suspects, but the other three are still on the loose. No one was injured.
SIGNS YOU’RE NOT SUPERMAN
- People recognize you even without your glasses.
- A speeding bullet kicked your butt on the 200-meter dash.
- Your application to the Justice League was rejected.
- Your X-Ray vision only enables you to see through glass.
- You look pretty dorky in a cape.
- Your home planet is still habitable, but your father sent you here anyway.
- Instead of “It’s a bird, it’s a plane…” people say, “What IS that ugly thing?”
- The armor piercing bullets rip through your flesh like a hot knife through butter.
- When your therapist says “Lex,” you say “-us”
- Evil supervillains don’t know your girlfriend or where she lives.
- Exposure to Kryptonite only gives you a ringing in the ears.
- The only way you got the pickle jar open was by smashing it with a hammer.
MORE SHOW PREP STUFF…
OUR BRITISH FRIENDS LOVE THE UFOS
Maybe David Duchovny should move to Great Britain. According to Britain’s Ministry of Defense, the number of UFO sightings in the country rose by about 40 percent over last year. There were 135 reports of UFO sightings — up from 97 sightings recorded the year before. One report says that a camper lost his dog when it was abducted by an alien ship in Cardiff. Another report claims that there was a sighting of two mile-wide objects over Guernsey. Another witness in Rotherham claimed seeing “a bright triangular object in the sky,” which was stationary at first and then moved. (BBC News)
OTHER STUFF I WANT TO CRAM INTO TODAY’S PREP
(None On The Weekends)
Rich Wilcock, aided by his Cocker Spaniel Leia, rescued a beached baby dolphin while fishing on an isolated beach in the U.K. Leia was the first to notice the calf and run over. Upon seeing the little dolphin struggling on the rocky coast, Rich managed to rescue the sea creature one while filming.
What would you do with $400? Two men, Mike Lewis with Jesus Painter Ministries and Rob Westerman with SNC Norwood Church used the money to help others by paying for their groceries and they are impacting millions. Their gifts at a local grocery store were video taped and placed on YouTube and, at last report, 8 million people had fived their generosity.
Most people take using GPS for granted but not Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper. He announced a statewide effort to say thank you by declaring Friday “GPS Day” in honor of 20 years with the service. According to the Denver Post, the Global Positioning System was declared fully operational by the U.S. Air Force July 17, 1995. Since then it has been operated by the 2nd Space Operations Squadron at Schriever Air Force Base in Colorado Springs and provided to the world for free. Data from the Metro Denver Economic Development Corporation shows there are 4 billion GPS-enabled devices worldwide.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
Well, I’ve got to run. My fan club is meeting tonight and I promised I’d play checkers with the guy.
THE WAY WE WORK
(Updated as it comes available. The Way WE Work is written by Mark Elfstrand from 1160Hope.com in Chicago.)
Do “working moms” make for better moms? I may be meddlin’ here.
An article posted on the website Quartz claims mothers who work outside the home have “more successful daughters and more caring sons.” The story is based on some new Harvard “research” that should certainly help reduce the guilt that many “working moms” might have. http://qz.com/434056/working-moms-have-more-successful-daughters-and-more-caring-sons-harvard-business-school-study-says/
If you do a little more Internet research you find quite a mixed bag on this topic. There are many stories of women who leave professional careers to be at home. Others explaining how they are able to maintain the balance of work and family.
One of the more statistically deceiving set of numbers comes from a 2014 Pew Research study. It was titled, “7 Key Findings About Stay-at-Home Moms.” Point #5 claims the share of these stay-at-homes in poverty has doubled since 1970! But pay close attention to the fact that the overwhelming increase comes from married mothers with non-working husbands, cohabiting mothers, and single mothers. Actual poverty level of married mothers with working husbands increased by 15%.
The Harvard study leaves me questioning their value system for mothering. They seem to value more money and managerial jobs for the grown up young women, and more chores and home responsibilities for boys.
The final paragraph from this article really got me. It includes a quote from Professor Kathleen McGinn at the Harvard Business School and the lead author of the study. Here goes:
“Her message for working mothers is that being employed has long-lasting, positive effects on children. ‘When you go to work, you are helping your children understand that there are lots of opportunities for them,’ says McGinn.”
Hmmm. Wait. I have questions.
Let’s say a couple with children at home approached me as a faith leader at church and asked for my counsel on whether it’s best to have a stay-at-home mom. She has a nice offer from a company.
I would first ask why the mom is considering this decision. Various answers could result. Financial reasons are, indeed, usually first. Wanting to use education or professional skills would be up there. Needing greater “challenge” or purpose might come up. Each reason has its own justifications.
Next, I would ask the couple where “being the primary influencers” in the development of their children ranks. The influencer role applies to more than one category. Foremost, the moral and spiritual foundations. Next, the social skills and the vital learning of navigating difficult situations. Then, having a keen awareness of the uniqueness of the children and how to help them pursue the person God created them to be. And, of course, engaging them in meaningful conversations daily about their world.
The answers to those questions would be of significant value in offering counsel. Parents who put financial interests and personal advancement as priorities will likely go for the working mom. But common sense should tell us less time and attention with children means less influence.
I’ve yet to meet a grown up child who says, “I wish my mom worked more outside of the home.” Kids learn to take pride in their parents regardless of status. The praise I’ve witnessed most from grown up children are about the sacrifices their moms made for them. Rarely are those sacrifices derived from spending less time with them. Or earning more money.
There are situations where moms must have a paying job. However in this age, we need more moms being present and available to guide and grow their children. A stable home environment is the greatest predictor of future family well being. PLENTY of research on that.
Proverbs 6:20-23 helps here: “Good friend, follow your father’s good advice; don’t wander off from your mother’s teachings. Wrap yourself in them from head to foot; wear them like a scarf around your neck. Wherever you walk, they’ll guide you; whenever you rest, they’ll guard you; when you wake up, they’ll tell you what’s next. For sound advice is a beacon, good teaching is a light, moral discipline is a life path.” (The Message)
That instruction comes from the home. Mothers nurture children best. Why yield that privilege of child development up to someone else? Just asking.
Now…are the cookies and milk ready? Just kidding!
That’s The Way WE Work.
THE TICKET Movie Reviews with MARIE ASNER
Marie Asner has been reviewing films for over 30 years. Her outlets include radio, print and Internet. For more in-depth movie reviews of the following films, visit www.Tollbooth.org. Ratings from 1 (Low) to 5 (High).
JULY 17, 2015…
Ant Man—Marvel Comic Books does it again. Here comes “Ant Man’ and played by Paul Rudd. Instead of gigantic creatures, such as Godzilla, we have someone the size of an ant. Be careful where you step. The ant may be a science experiment in your neighborhood. This particular story has Rudd volunteering for a special suit by scientist Pym (Michael Douglas) and you can figure out the rest. There is a villain, Yellow Jacket (Corey Stoll) and at the size of an ant, just about everything can be a villain. Also in the cast is Evangeline Lilly. “Ant Man” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.
TrainWreck—Amy Schumer is a writer who doesn’t believe in romance. It just doesn’t work out. However, when her next assignment is sports doc Bill Hader, she begins to change her mind. Also in the cast are Tilda Swinton and Brie Larson. ”TrainWreck” is rated R. No rating.
Mr. Holmes—Ian McKellen takes on the role of Sherlock Holmes, aging and with failing memory, as he does one last case. Also in the cast are Laura Linney and Milo Parker. “Mr. Holmes” is rated PG 13. Rating of 3 for fans.
Irrational Man—Joaquin Phoenix is a college teacher in the middle of a mid-life crisis. He finds it helps him to work with others, even strangers. This is a Woody Allen film and also in the cast is Jamie Blakeley. “Irrational Man” is rated PG 13. No rating.
JULY 24, 2015…
Paper Towns is a romantic comedy starring Cara Delevingne and Nat Wolff.
Pixels is an partly-animated movie about an alien invasion with the voices of Adam Sandler and Kevin James.
Pan is a fantasy and adventure film starring Hugh Jackman and a different type of “Peter Pan” story.
Southpaw stars Jake Gyllenhaal in a story about sports.
# # # # #
The Best Films and Worst Film—First Six Months of 2015 (January 15 – July 1), compiled by Marie Asner
BEST FILMS: Alphabetical Order
Dior And Me (documentary—R for language) Backstage at world famous Paris fashion house with new head designer and six weeks to go before the first show.
Inside Out (animated—PG) Story of five emotions in a young girl’s mind and how they help her cope with life
Jupiter Ascending (science fiction/fantasy—PG 13) Creative look a space royalty hierarchy and how it affects Earth
Mad Max: Fury Road (fantasy—R) Remake of the “Mad Max” series in post Apocalyptic world of Australia
Max (PG) Story of military dog who grieves loss of his handler in Afghanistan (bring hankie)
Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (PG 13) Continuation of first film story and this time involves planning a wedding
Seymour: An Introduction (documentary—not rated) Actor Ethan Hawke’s homage to a favorite music teacher.
Terminator Genisys (R) Clever restart of the “Terminator” franchise and Arnold Schwarzenegger steals the film.
Woman in Gold (based on true story—PG 13) Helen Mirren searches for stolen family painting from WWII and how to retrieve it.
San Andreas (PG 13)—cheesy special effects and enough rescues by Dwayne Johnson for five films.
WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet or email (including stuff you read here) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Darren Marlar, Marlar House Entertainment, OnAirPrep.com, or any company or organization affiliated with aforementioned. (Regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there – nyah!)
Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions. Darren can be reached via his website at www.DarrenMarlar.com.